- 2 days ago
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00:00Well, you managed to last all of 40 minutes in your latest job as a dog food taster.
00:28That's a new record.
00:29They wanted me to eat dog food.
00:31What? Yeah, you're a taster.
00:32How else do they want to know what it tastes like?
00:34Get dogs to taste it.
00:35Okay, Mandy, this is only the latest in a series of jobs that we found for you which you've not been able to hold down.
00:41Okay, so I'm afraid I'm only left with one option.
00:44Since you now qualify as long-term unemployed, I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you on a restart scheme.
00:48No, fucking hell no!
00:49Please.
00:51The scheme is aimed to break down the barriers that are holding you back from gainful employment.
00:55Okay, if you do not attend, it will affect your benefits.
00:58The only valid reason not to attend is a serious health issue, and you don't seem to have anything wrong with you.
01:04I mean, not physically, anyway.
01:06Look, look, I'll do anything rather than the restart scheme.
01:08I'll go back to the dog food place.
01:10No, they won't have you back.
01:11They say you stole 17 tins of gammon and tripe for senior dogs.
01:15Not denying that, then.
01:20Right, it's 9am on Monday morning, okay?
01:22I'll email you the details.
01:23Is your email address still mandyfarta2 at tesco.net?
01:29I couldn't get Carter who had taken.
01:31Someone else beat me to Mandy Farta 1.
01:33But you definitely wanted Farta?
01:35Yes.
01:35Yes.
01:37Okay, well, you might want to think about changing that to something a bit more professional, okay?
01:42And, in fact, while you're making changes, you might want to think about the image you project to prospective employers.
01:47Dress for the job you want, Mandy.
01:50I'll see you on Monday, Mandy.
01:51You're doing the restart scheme?
01:53I am.
01:53Oh, just when I thought my life could get any sodding worse.
01:56Dress for the job you want, Mandy.
02:04Dress for the job you want.
02:05Are you looking for anything in particular?
02:26Yeah, how much is this jacket?
02:29I'm not sure you'll be able to afford that.
02:32Do you know what I can afford?
02:33That jacket's £700.
02:36Can you afford that?
02:39No, I can't, no.
02:40No.
02:41You see, I didn't think you could, because of what you're currently wearing.
02:44This is our bargain bin.
02:46You might find something here, but we don't actually cater for prostitutes.
02:50I'm not prosy, you cheeky cow!
02:52Oh, sorry.
02:53I just assumed you were a prostitute.
02:55You nasty bitch!
02:57I'm going to spend thousands in here!
02:59OK, well, look, thank you to those of you who made...
03:23Oh, you're in here.
03:24Yeah.
03:25I'll sit here, shall I?
03:26Quick as you can, please.
03:35OK.
03:36Well, welcome, everyone.
03:39Thanks for coming along.
03:41So, my name is Jason.
03:42Jason!
03:44Who knew?
03:49I'll be helping you to navigate job hunting in the 21st century.
03:53First of all, let's all get to know each other a little bit.
03:55So, what I'd like you to do is introduce yourselves, tell us your name,
03:58and then tell us one interesting fact about yourself.
04:01Who'd like to go first?
04:01My name's Raymond, and, uh...
04:06And one interesting fact about yourself.
04:17Anything.
04:24Anything at all would be...
04:26You ever want anything?
04:29Nothing.
04:32No, I can't think.
04:33Nothing.
04:34Nothing.
04:35OK.
04:36Um, yep, next.
04:39My name is Leonard Cosgrave, and I just got divorced.
04:44OK, and one interesting fact about yourself.
04:48There was the interesting fact.
04:50The divorce.
04:51Next.
04:52Paul.
04:53Yep.
04:54I did eight years in the knit for killing my geography teacher.
04:58OK.
04:58Shanked him.
05:00In, twist, and out.
05:02Right.
05:03Never knew what hit him.
05:05Last time he banged on about Oxbow Lakes.
05:08Worth every year a chokie.
05:10And I'd do it again in a heartbeat if some jumped-up prick tried to tell me what to do with myself.
05:18Is that the sort of thing you're after?
05:20Yeah, that's perfect, Paul.
05:21Um, OK, who's next?
05:24Graham.
05:25Yep.
05:26I came up with the phrase, so near so spa for a spa supermarket.
05:30Oh.
05:30I didn't see a penny in royalties.
05:33Oh, that's a shame, Graham.
05:35But well done for coming up with that phrase.
05:36That can't have been easy, thinking of a phrase.
05:40Um, next.
05:40My name is Mei Suzuki, and I once met Lucian Vandross.
05:46Oh, yes.
05:47That's, now that is an interesting fact.
05:50I, he's great, isn't he?
05:51Never too much.
05:52He's probably my favourite if I had to pick one.
05:53Ha, ha.
05:56OK, uh, yes.
05:58Next.
05:58Well, we'll, OK, we'll come back, we'll come back to you.
06:13And, yep, last but not least.
06:16You know who I am.
06:17For the group, Mandy.
06:18My name's Mandy Carter, and I once unblocked a drain by myself.
06:21OK.
06:21Saved myself 200 quid.
06:23Right.
06:23Watched a load of YouTube videos on how to do it.
06:25Turns out you just need a really long stick and a cloth,
06:27soaked in thick bleach.
06:28Professional drain-on blockers don't want you to know this.
06:30OK, thank you, Mandy.
06:32So, um...
06:33Look, can't you just mark me down and I can clear off?
06:35No.
06:35Such a waste of time.
06:36You know that I can't, Mandy.
06:38The only valid excuse for not attending is a serious health issue.
06:43OK, so now we're all introduced a little bit, let's crack on.
06:46So, first up, we're going to be learning about preparing for a job interview,
06:49how to create a positive first impression.
06:53Now, what do you think I mean by...
06:55A.
06:55A.
06:55This is a bit like One Floor in the Cuckoo's Nest, isn't it?
06:58Wait, shh.
06:58Hey.
06:59Shh.
07:02Actually, do you know what, Mandy?
07:03Maybe you'd like to be first up for the role play.
07:05Role play?
07:06Oh, you mocky bugger.
07:08You're going to be Nurse Ratchet.
07:12Actually, Mandy, in the email inviting you here,
07:14you were asked to dress as though you were attending an important job interview.
07:19Yeah.
07:19You did receive that email.
07:22Yeah.
07:24So this is what you would wear to an important job interview, is it?
07:28Yeah.
07:28OK, so who can help me tell Mandy what she might be doing wrong,
07:32what kind of first impression she's creating?
07:34Um, she looked like a prostitute.
07:38Yeah.
07:38You fucking bitch!
07:39Hey, whoa, Mandy.
07:40Now, I know it can be quite exposing,
07:43hearing what we could do better,
07:45but it's also how we learn.
07:48So, prostitute.
07:50Very good.
07:51Anyone else?
07:52She looks cheap.
07:52Cheap.
07:53Yeah, excellent.
07:55Um, anyone else?
07:56Yeah.
07:56Well rough.
07:57Say again, sorry, Graham.
07:58Well rough.
07:59Well rough.
08:01Absolutely.
08:01Looks like she just isn't bothered.
08:04Yeah, absolutely right, but she hasn't bothered.
08:06Anyone else?
08:07It's respectful, isn't it?
08:08Yeah.
08:09To the company.
08:09Yep.
08:10And you know what they're going to do
08:11if they don't get the respect they deserve.
08:20No, no, but it is disrespectful, Paul, that's right.
08:22Um, it suggests that Mandy couldn't care less
08:25about the job interview,
08:26let alone her personal hygiene.
08:28Anyone else?
08:30Looks dirty.
08:31Yeah, I'll just put dirty, I think.
08:35But this is all really good stuff.
08:36Anyone else got any more to add
08:38on how Mandy looks?
08:39I'm just going to go to the loo.
08:48I don't really want things
08:49that look like a prostitute.
08:51A what?
08:52A prostitute.
08:53Oh, a prostitute.
08:55Dear, dear Mandy, don't worry.
08:58Some prostitutes are actually very beautiful.
09:01The high-class ones.
09:03Maybe they think you're one of those.
09:06Maybe.
09:08Of course they don't, Lola.
09:10I don't even look like a successful prostitute.
09:13Ah, dear, dear.
09:14Don't cry.
09:16If you were a prostitute,
09:17I'm sure you would be very successful.
09:19Yes, thanks, Lola.
09:21That makes me feel better.
09:24Hey.
09:25Is it going with the old injectables?
09:28Oh, fantastic.
09:30I'm fully booked up for the next couple of months.
09:32I am so happy I did that half-hour online course in Botox
09:35from the University of North Korea.
09:37It's really paid off, hasn't it?
09:39Actually, Mandy, you couldn't do me a favour?
09:42I need to pick up a new batch of injectables,
09:44but I don't want to leave the salon
09:45in case I miss new bookings.
09:47Please, can you mind the desk?
09:49I won't be long.
09:50Yeah, no worries.
09:51Thank you, Mandy.
09:52What a responsibility.
09:54I won't be long.
10:03I need 2,000 pallets of acrylic nails sent ASAP.
10:09Actually, make that 4,000
10:10and as much minty pig as you can carry.
10:15Hello.
10:15Oh, hello.
10:16I was just passing
10:17and I saw you do injectables.
10:19I was wondering if you could fit me in.
10:21Er, no, sorry.
10:23We're fully booked
10:23for the next couple of months.
10:25Oh, that's a shame.
10:27Just wanted to look a bit fresher.
10:28Right.
10:29I've got a wedding this weekend.
10:31You look dead familiar.
10:32Do we know each other?
10:38Mandy!
10:39Mandy Carter!
10:41Janice Brogan.
10:42Haven't seen you since secondary school.
10:44It's been a long time.
10:45What, you've been up to?
10:46Well,
10:48obviously I run a successful business now.
10:51It's yours?
10:52Yeah.
10:53Been here 20 years.
10:54Why is it called Lola's?
10:57Because the woman
10:58who owned it before me
11:00was called Lola
11:01and
11:01I haven't got round to changing the sign yet.
11:05Must have been very busy.
11:06Yes, I have.
11:07I have, actually.
11:09Well, I'm amazed.
11:11We always thought you were a right dickhead in school.
11:14Yeah, you made that very clear.
11:16You made my life a living hell.
11:17Oh, don't be ridiculous.
11:19It was just banter.
11:20I've got mental health because of you.
11:21Oh, shush.
11:22It was a long time ago.
11:24I mean, I can barely even remember it.
11:27What do you do now?
11:28Oh,
11:29I'm head
11:30of Apple UK.
11:32Never heard of them.
11:33Well, it's a shame you can't fit me in.
11:34I'm just going to...
11:35Oh, no, listen.
11:36Listen, as you're an old friend
11:37and I have got a few minutes
11:39before my next client,
11:41I could fit you in for some Botox.
11:43Take ten years off you.
11:44Oh, that's fantastic.
11:45Yeah?
11:46Mates rates, 300 quid.
11:48But my card machine's up the spout
11:49so it's cash only, I'm afraid.
11:51You're very lucky.
11:52I always carry some loose change with me.
11:56Take a seat over there.
12:17Oh!
12:18Right, just relax.
12:19Well, you might feel a bit of a prick.
12:22Ah!
12:25Is it meant to burn?
12:26Oh, yeah.
12:39Back again?
12:40Fuck off!
12:41Have you been saving up your pennies
12:43for that jacket?
12:44I've got the money.
12:45Don't you worry about that.
12:47I'd like these, please.
12:49That's £1,320.
12:55That's a lot.
12:57What if I want to bring something back?
12:58No refunds, I'm afraid.
13:00What?
13:00Not even if a button comes off?
13:02No refunds.
13:03That's our policy.
13:06Whoa!
13:07Hold your horses there a moment.
13:09Under the Consumer Rights Act 2015,
13:11if an item is faulty
13:12and it's returned within 30 days
13:13with valid proof of purchase,
13:15you legally have to give a full refund.
13:18I see.
13:20Well, can I take an email address for the receipt?
13:23Just give me a paper receipt,
13:25you dirty wet wipe.
13:26Yeah, just give her a paper receipt,
13:28you dirty wet wipe.
13:30Mandy Carter!
13:32You messed up my face with your Botox.
13:34I look like Dr. Fockin' Spock!
13:36No, calm down!
13:37You're a moron.
13:38I want that 300 quid back I gave you for the treatment.
13:40Well, you can't have it.
13:41I've just spent it.
13:42Oh, do you have a receipt?
13:43No!
13:44I paid cash!
13:45Without a receipt,
13:46it's going to be quite difficult for you
13:47to prove you've got any legitimate consumer rights.
13:49There's not much you can do.
13:50Well, there's one thing I can do, Martin.
13:56And that's why, Paul,
13:58it probably would be a setback
13:59to employment prospects
14:00if you took a knife into the interview,
14:02particularly a second interview.
14:04Except that goes for all of you.
14:09Ah, look who's back, Mandy Carter.
14:12Well, I'm glad you've returned
14:13because, as you know,
14:15the only valid excuse for non-attendance
14:16is, of course...
14:17Serious health issues.
14:19I'm not like a prozzie now, do I?
14:24I mean, she does look a bit like a prozzie.
14:27Pretty woman
14:28Walking down the street
14:31Pretty woman
14:32The kind I like to meet
14:35Pretty woman
14:36I don't believe you
14:39You're not the truth
14:40No one could look as good as you
14:45Mercy
14:48Pretty woman
14:54Won't you pardon me
14:56Pretty woman
14:57I couldn't help but see
15:00Pretty woman
15:01And you look lovely
15:04As can be
15:06Are you lonely
15:08Are you lonely
15:08Just like me
15:10Loving
15:13You're lonely
15:14What you're lonely
15:30Yes, that's true
15:31You're lonely
15:32I got a plot
15:33I wanna feel
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