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TVTranscript
00:00so as you may recall a little while back we had some volunteers at the school found out they were
00:19here for community service I wasn't tripping four days free labor and they were out of here
00:23but we were alerted to some additional footage if you will turns out these clowns were up to a lot
00:29more than we knew welcome to Abbott Elementary the best elementary school in the universe um
00:33what's the deal with all the cameras you have like a Vanderpump thing going on don't worry about
00:37it no no I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera thank you very much
00:41if Caucasian cultural exchange is over let's get to the free work maybe before we do that
00:51uh could my associates and I talk if you want to talk talk in private I mean away from the
00:58yeah that's an issue oh he's got a thing we could just not be yeah I'll need to take a second yeah
01:02Frank just go go yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll be right back yeah we'll be right back just to roam
01:07around your school I'm happy with the ducks and yeah just in a minute go go go go go close that
01:13door and lock it okay I got an idea Frank let's not make this a whole thing please yeah just quick
01:19in and out yeah the faster we get it done the better I see an opportunity here how's the school an
01:23opportunity it's not just the school it's a gold mine I can't believe these shitheads forgot they
01:30were miked
01:53I was a school of gold mine copper piping thousands and thousands of yards of it and this
01:59is an old building they use the thick kind I mean offensive pay a fortune for that straight
02:04Frank well we're not ripping copper piping out of a public school well why not the city's gonna
02:09make them do it anyway and they're gonna wind up paying for it we'd be doing them a favor okay
02:12stop stop we're not doing this all right we're just we're gonna get through the day okay and
02:16then we're gonna get the hell out of here because I can oh my god this coffee is sludge what's the
02:22story on the snacks are these free or what guys I'm with Dennis if I can just get this release sign
02:26that we could be out of here in a week all right look I don't want to get lice for one of these kids
02:30oh did you guys know that black people can't get lice Dean that's like crazy racist no no no that's
02:36just science it's the lice who are racist okay hold on you hear this conversation this is us digging a
02:42deeper hole let's please not do it I'm begging you all why is this door locked and who are you
02:47people oh hey we're your volunteers you're not supposed to be in there this is a teacher's lounge
02:51ah then where's the volunteers lounge uh yeah actually um question sorry are you in charge
02:55of cleaning the coffee pots because um they're really dirty and you're not doing a good job what
03:01is this quit eating that yeah quit eating that I'm not I thought it's free it's not free no get the
03:06hell out of here get the hell out of here I said I thought they were free get the hell out of
03:11here okay all right it's just a misunderstanding probably no guys are gonna be a problem take
03:16care of them I can't say I'm surprised by any of this I mean I liked Dee at first but things got
03:21awkward when she tried to steal you that was never gonna happen still safe to say I liked her less
03:25after that but it wasn't until I saw the extra footage that I was able to realize just how much of
03:30a hmm I need to say a bad word it's okay yeah yeah I'm gonna say it's real bad you talked about
03:37how much of a total fucking cunt she was I thought you was gonna call her a bitch no I didn't feel that
03:45was strong enough okay bitch can be a very fine dog that is not what this woman is class can I have
03:52your attention for one second you are being taught by a genius and class if I may you have a genius
03:59volunteer aiding you oh you you you know it's definitely you right now one two three you
04:08okay I notice you following that one around a bunch what is going on with that I'm not picking up star
04:19vibes from her she's a dud she's a giant dud but I have an idea you follow me around make me the star
04:24of whatever this is and I will make this shit pop right I'll steal her man I'll expose her for the
04:28dud she is what do you think let's work together huh hey we can't wait till you come back I can't
04:37wait to come back oh my god I mean what is she talking about the star of the thing I don't know
04:45she's crazy she really is crazy if anything Ava's the star maybe Barb could be me at this point
04:52but you know sure yeah sure you don't think I've gotten no I mean no absolutely no absolutely yeah
04:59you're just focused they kind of you are go through my yeah it's it's interpretation of it okay yeah okay
05:04well actually that's not what this is about no because it's about the kids exactly but the good
05:08news is she was never actually attracted to Gregory at all sorry she should have been no
05:18these dumbasses couldn't even pretend to volunteer for very long day one they tried to recruit
05:24athletes for their old high school yo hey dude this place is the worst man they're like totally like
05:33trying to teach me to read and stuff and I'm just like playing along being like oh you know you can
05:37help me but it's just like I'm trying to kill time you know like it's so boring yeah sure what do they
05:43got you doing uh well they don't really have me doing anything but I decided to do this oh what
05:48what is this uh well I uh I grabbed a bunch of stuff from the science class and I'm doing a little
05:53science experiment is it coffee it is coffee I could smell it it's the most amazing coffee you've ever
05:58had you wouldn't believe it dude I'm sick give me a cup like Walter White over here yeah absolutely I
06:02got one poured you go go go you would not believe the bozos they got as the stars of this thing
06:06stars of what thing yeah their reality show or whatever it is they got going oh oh shit I keep
06:13forgetting about these guys yeah yeah yeah but I'm gonna use it as a launching pad though I got an
06:17angle no no we're not doing angles yeah what smells good oh it's coffee you gotta try it make one
06:21yeah yeah you want you want one this is a coffee yeah come back a little slow so I'll make a small one
06:24raccoon on the loose what really yeah I brought a raccoon in to keep that janitor busy
06:31coffee me nice dude good move yeah no no Frank cameras what's up bitches have you guys seen the
06:37talent in this school no good no what are you doing we're just doing the one thing okay you guys are
06:41talking about five different things for Christ's sake you're all over the place sorry what talent
06:46what are you talking about yeah there's kids like that are taller than me I say we recruit one for
06:49the basketball team St. Joe's no no no no two great idea man they're just sucking ass we are just
06:54doing the one thing all right I want a straight line to Friday that's it okay all right all right
06:59we're gonna be some coffee yeah get him some coffee man make a coffee for Matt try a coffee
07:02yeah those coffees it's a really perfectly PA challenge I keep forgetting about the cameras
07:07forget about them every time dude yeah it is easy to forget about the cameras I keep cash on me to
07:15make things go away but they took it to the next level oh that's a good idea totally profit off a
07:23young basketball player like pull a blindside on him are you pissing in that locker oh it's a
07:29coffee I I tried so much calls right to you yeah let's do the blindside well yeah but I think
07:34we're not supposed to say blindside because it's like oh yeah it got frowned upon because it was
07:38like a white savior thing and I think white people aren't supposed to help black people oh no no no
07:42that's a misunderstanding okay good yeah you see St. Joe's is a predominantly white team so we're
07:46helping a white school so it's fine oh look at that one he's tall well don't say that one I know
07:51let's go get it oh I meant that blackhead okay let's go get it okay hey kid look at you wow oh man
08:00we saw you in the hall we liked everything we saw we did what's it gonna take to convince you to
08:05leave a place like this and come with us yeah we may have access to Alexis if you want to join
08:09like Joy Rodney whoa what is what is this what is going on here
08:13uh well he uh he left yeah okay you need to leave too okay what the poor Rodney he was really freaked
08:28out maybe it was Jacob interrupting them or maybe it was when they found out that Rodney is legally
08:32blind in one eye and can't shoot for shit don't think we didn't try he's trash a basketball recruit
08:38oh thank god my mind was going to terrible places anyway they got off that idea and bounced to the
08:47next one like one of those ADHD kids the only thing I will say is their coffee was fantastic
08:52okay uh I've got soy almond latte for Gregory there we go much a blast and uh Janine you have the uh it
09:01was a mocha grande half calf with a splash of a splash of vanilla okay I got you right here there we go
09:07enjoy thank you enjoy Katie I remember you super complicated order I gotta say guys this experience
09:16is not as bad as I thought it was yeah it's fine you know I mean for once laying low is maybe paying
09:20up for us no no no no screw laying low I'm making a play for dingbats guy and it's working I said no
09:26angles excuse me guys excuse me I'm volunteering so I have to come through here yeah yeah yeah they
09:31said that the volunteers had to come through because we wouldn't normally do that um we're
09:36good people but uh we had to so what guys I'm actually like really pissed at this school like
09:43they have no idea how to teach people you know like what you're not learning to read no it's not the
09:48reading I know how to read it's 9-11 man well what what about 9-11 yeah my kids don't know anything
09:53about it man they don't know what it is what I heard a couple of them joking and they were sharing
09:59funny like internet memes and they're like oh yeah oh that I know that internet joke thing no
10:04that's how they know it hold on a second well now I have to get involved because that's insane
10:08that's kids these days huh 9-11 is just one giant meme to them yeah it's a big joke it is
10:12yeah it's like Pearl Harbor I mean you know that happens everybody looks the other way
10:18now we're all buying Japanese cars I mean the Arabs are buying golf from us what golf is for sale
10:24dude sure sport in the history of humanity I mean what happened to never forget yeah we said we made an
10:30agreement to never forget we forget about these things trying to see someone at the camps and just
10:34buying whatever car we want I mean what the hell is this forgetting what happened this argument went
10:39on for way too long these people were passionate but dumb as shit because at some point they argue
11:01themselves right into conspiracy theories so so it had to be a hoax yeah I mean steel would not melt at
11:08that temperature I mean take fire to steel and see if it melts it won't absolutely you know what
11:13a missile sent by our own government is probably what it was there wasn't even a plane I'm starting
11:18to think there wasn't even towers dude I've never been anybody seen the towers with your own eyes not
11:22a picture exactly not a picture that the government is showing towers God they're changing the weather
11:27now do you know about this yeah they control the weather with frogs I saw it they control the weather
11:31yeah yeah wait frogs yeah they shoot the frogs they keep shooting frogs at they're throwing tornadoes
11:36at Florida yeah crop control crop control there's too many oranges I know it sounds crazy but I think
11:45at one point these people were trying to start a boy band all right remember to combine all three
11:49words here Darnell Lewis and Jordan Cox please report to the principal's office I thought it was kind
11:54odd when Ava had one of the volunteers making announcements now really think about oh actually
12:00wait yeah sorry go to the bathroom no no don't tell them to go to the bathroom Dennis the acoustics
12:04are better have them come to the music room yeah okay fine uh Darnell and Jordan please go to the music
12:09room or whatever thank you did you have that push the whole time you want keep keep doing your work
12:13I'll be I'll be right back so I had to go down there and check it out for myself I'll make love to you
12:21like you want me to and I'll hold you tight baby all through the night oh this is what we want yeah
12:32this is it yes good very good singer very nice my main concern is he's coming off like kind of a nerd
12:41you know we've already got our nerd we need a bad boy we do uh hey Steven would you say you're a bad boy
12:47I don't know you you don't know you don't know I feel like a bad boy would know if he was bad right
12:52yeah I think so yeah damn it I told Mac to get the detention list yeah because that's how we're
12:56gonna find out hey how we doing all right what's what's going on in here oh we're just having
13:01auditions yeah we're shopping for kids Ava said we could use the room and we got her real real quick
13:06just want to walk this back um Ava said that it was okay for you to pull kids out of class so they
13:11could sing for you yeah otherwise how are we gonna know it's kind of like a class in a way it's a music
13:15clay basically like we're just kind of like shopping for kids here and we got a pretty
13:19good collection you know we got a nerd and we got the boy next door we got the ugly one that
13:24people feel sorry for but yeah he's so ugly too like he's uglier than maybe too ugly yeah maybe now
13:29we found our bad boy yeah you should see the bad boy is the most important one though because the bad
13:34boy uh makes the sexual component less weird yeah I wouldn't have said that but that's not why
13:46that's not this was some crazy shit I didn't want to deal with it so I took it to Ava
13:51Ava what the others were right these volunteers have got to go no you were right they're amazing
14:00and they're staying I might frame them for another crime just to get their hours up
14:04did I ask you to stop steaming
14:07okay she was right between fighting teachers pissing the lockers and the boy band thing I should have
14:20booted their ass because that white woman was going in what do you mean you didn't get the fight
14:26on camera what is wrong with you I let that bitch kick my ass so that I could look like a victim
14:32you think I couldn't kick her ass she's tiny I could destroy her I'd rip her hair out I got old
14:39I'd rip this whole school bald if I wanted to oh but that would look like some kind of hate crime
14:44and the liberal media would oh wouldn't they just love that no I'm not doing it what's wrong with you
14:49you call yourself a camera crew oh my god get your head out of your ass now I've seen some shit
14:55but crazy white people hit different let me kick her ass
14:59no I am not a violent person but if I want to kick someone's ass I will just let me kick her ass
15:07she said that no no and you know what I'm not mad I'm not because I am totally over that woman
15:15um because I am a happy person so
15:18I'm so sorry I saw a mosquito
15:26yeah so at one point I was misled into believing they were shooting an educational video in the
15:34vein of Billy Joel's we didn't start the fire I don't know how the fuck they got on this
15:38bye see you knock knock knock I've got a uh piping hot uh caramel macchiato for a Melissa
15:45that's me oh there you are thank you Dennis no it's my pleasure absolutely hey go birds
15:51go birds hey listen um might I trouble you with a query on the subject of Billy Joel uh with the
15:56scale being one I can't stand his music to ten I think he's the single greatest musician in the
16:01history of sound where do you place the man negative five but you know who is a massive fan
16:07150 a million ten infinity amazing okay great yeah so we're actually looking to recruit teachers to
16:14help us with a little song by that point I should have known better but um I'm a sucker for anything
16:22Billy Joel related so this is really exciting guys okay so here's here's what we're gonna do
16:26um you our modern educators are going to sing the updated lyrics to Billy Joel's classic song
16:32and we will be reenacting the iconic historical moments on video at a later date oh my god can we
16:38be part of that as well I feel like it wouldn't be right if you weren't that's that's great let's
16:42get them involved yeah and uh as a matter of fact I'm gonna film the rehearsal yeah just shoot
16:46everything um okay I'm gonna stumble through one don't don't worry if you get it wrong let's just
16:51try it from the top okay uh okay when Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese Captain Sully hit some geese
17:00marijuana legalized the price of coppers on the rise Kaepernick takes a knee
17:06Ozemptic cures obesity Y2K was overblown they shut down Guantanamo
17:12actually they did start a fire it's not even wilted it's indestructible you're telling me that an
17:39entire building is gonna melt to the ground but we can't even melt the bench I don't think
17:43eventually the whole song thing fell apart when they discovered something that they did not like
17:50wow guys that was amazing yeah oh love it Charlie oh you guys look guys I'm so excited and I really
18:00can't wait to be a part of the reenactments just want to throw that out there again but I'm just
18:03curious like as to why you guys are doing it I just was wondering oh yeah that's a good question like so
18:09we realized that the kids don't know anything about 9-11 really it's like a joke or meme to them
18:13and like never forget you know instead never forget and they seem to have forgotten I love this I mean
18:18I love this human beings have been educating one another through the method of song for
18:23generations that predate even the most ancient of society absolutely yeah it's true this particular
18:29song was instrumental I would say in our educations and we just felt like it was due for an update right
18:34it's due for an update and I love that you guys did it almost better than fallout boy you know with
18:39the lyric change and everything well no this is Billy Joel song oh no no the band fallout boy they
18:45they they already did an update yeah like of this song changed all the lyrics and who's fallout boy
18:51it's an emo band that did a really good update it was really good okay yeah I thought that's why
18:57yeah will you excuse us for a moment we're gonna need a we're just gonna need a minute okay is it to
19:03go listen to their version no no okay apparently this fallout boy thing was a big deal to them
19:10I've got nothing for this in all my years of teaching primary school I have never seen a student
19:35of mine tantrum that long and these were full-grown adults with fully developed frontal lobes I thought
19:43they were done but then I found this video online it was titled fallout boy can't stop us
19:48I gotta hand it to these jabronis cuz I didn't really like the original cuz I felt like Billy Joel
20:14didn't even try to match the lyrics to the video but these guys they milked the school for every
20:19minute of content they could it reminded me of that verse on DMX is what you want there was Brenda
20:25Latisha Linda Felicia I wasn't mad at it it was a bop look at the end of the day did I like those
20:31people no I did not but I will admit that what they did before they left was pretty nice thank you
20:40all so much for coming here please enjoy a round of drinks on us oh Johnny Walker blue no spirits
20:46Chardonnay please yeah okay Heineken well no imports though yeah Jesus Christ uh how about an iced tea
20:57iced tea uh I think we have ice nope don't have ice already checked and yeah no we're off water
21:04all together I'm not doing water anymore in the bar it's a whole thing you know I am so sorry but
21:09um why are we here like what what what is this oh yes no fair um yeah well listen we just wanted
21:15to let you know that our experience with you really touched us you know you you blindsided us with your
21:21heart and your care for those children and while Frank is sorry that he couldn't be here today he did
21:27spring for this gift for your teachers lounge Mac a new espresso machine nice right yeah we don't even
21:37have one of these may you be as happy as you are caffeinated maybe they're kind of sweet that was kind
21:45sweet yeah yeah it wasn't that sweet come with me I think they learned us down in a bar so the old one
21:54can do this he must have ripped out about a hundred feet of copper but on the bright side the state
22:05was gonna make us move out some old pipes so actually he saved us a few grand in construction costs
22:09I'm gonna lose my job if anyone sees this so burn those tapes
22:39you
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