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Short Tales
  • 2 days ago
#ShowFilm98
Transcript
00:00I
00:18Don't find it slightly ironic that you of all people are making fun of somebody for changing their appearance
00:23So you can have frosted tips or a frosty personality. You can't have both at the same time
00:27Take your hat off. Let's see it again
00:30They're only supposed to frost the tips how am I supposed to know where the tip ends spoken like every college boyfriend ever
00:41Millie Thomas
00:44Wow, um
00:47You look like a young father Christmas. Yeah, yes
00:53Millie Tom and I would love to stay and make small talk
00:56But I think that technically counts as a hate crime
00:58So we're gonna go
01:00I want to pegged you for a grumpy guts
01:05You couldn't peg me if your life depended on it
01:09Hang on Millie have you been if you've been working in the dark?
01:13I've only just turned the lights on
01:15I came in early to get a head start on my list, but I couldn't find the light switch
01:17But then I was like
01:19Well me and Al and these kiwis aren't gonna move themselves
01:21Except the ones that did
01:23And I'm just realizing now
01:25Those might have been rats
01:27Yeah
01:29Listen, uh, Millie, um
01:31Liv and I are actually done here now
01:33So I was, um
01:35I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to join me in
01:37Getting a head start on reorganizing some of the breakfast cereals according to roughage content
01:39Oh, you've read my mind
01:41Yeah?
01:43Yeah, not really though
01:45I was thinking about micro pigs
01:47Micro pigs?
01:49Please tell me, tell me more
01:51Oh, really?
01:52Um, yeah, can we come in?
01:53Liv, sir
01:54So, micro pigs are the kindest animals to walk the planet
01:57No, yeah, go on, you go without me
01:59It's fine, I'll just, um
02:01I'll just stay here and swivel on a pair of barbecue tongs
02:03Okay, listen up everyone
02:19Thank you very much
02:21Uh, we have a big health and safety inspection coming up
02:24Now, call me crazy
02:26Uh, but I think we can improve on this number
02:29But only if we start taking health and safety more
02:33Seriously?
02:37Seriously
02:38Now, to that end
02:39I thought we could do a bit of role play
02:41Ooh
02:42So, let's imagine for a second
02:43You're at the deli counter cutting meat
02:45And a guy, a simple guy, nice guy
02:49Let's call him Simon
02:50Approaches to ask a very innocent question about
02:53Oh, I don't know, bin rotors
02:55In that situation, what shouldn't we do with a butcher's knife?
02:58What shouldn't we do with a butcher's knife?
03:02Beefy Linda?
03:04Simon
03:05Beefy Linda?
03:07Beefy Linda?
03:08Beefy Linda?
03:10Beefy
03:11Simon
03:12Yeah, beefy Linda
03:13Millie's got her hand up
03:16So she does, yeah
03:18Go on
03:19Don't panic or stab you in the eye
03:21Yeah
03:22Sorry
03:23Or stab me in the eye
03:24With a butcher's knife
03:25Is the correct answer
03:27Laura the jungle
03:28But it isn't a jungle, is it?
03:30It's a supermarket
03:31I doubt we'd be selling bloody fabric softener in the Amazon, would we?
03:36Well, not with that attitude, no
03:38What?
03:39Unbelievable
03:40Now
03:41God, that Millie
03:43Who is that excited to come to work?
03:45Willy Wonka isn't that excited to come to work?
03:47Shut up, I'm trying to listen
03:48I'm just saying
03:49There's something very odd about somebody who's that into this job
03:52So if you are sniffing around that particular bush, if I were you, I would leave that all well alive
03:56There's no bush sniffing, okay?
03:58Millie and I aren't a thing
04:00And even if we were
04:01The only reason you'd care is you'd be jealous I'd have a new friend to replace you
04:04Ha!
04:09I was just laughing at the thing you said
04:11About my friend's chemical burns
04:15Yep
04:18So, in the interest of health and safety
04:20Tonight we're all gonna undergo a mandatory health and safety refresher course
04:25Get in!
04:26I'll bring my elbow pads
04:28Not you Millie, I need you to count the loose crisps or something
04:31Who's gonna look after my deli counter?
04:33I refuse to let my meat go under the knife unless it's in the hands of a professional
04:38Now that I happen to agree with
04:40Well, some of you may know, some of you may not know
04:43But I started my career here at Pellock's on the deli counter
04:48Before I traded my apron in for a managerial power type
04:52I...I...I don't know what I'm telling you this
04:55But I met my wife on the deli counter too
04:57She...
04:59She came in looking for some port loin
05:01And, erm...
05:03She left mine ablaze
05:10Speaking of tiny fires
05:12Then yes, I do mean birthday candles
05:15I'd like to remind everyone that we have a very special staff birthday gathering
05:21In the shop at midnight
05:23Oh my god, shut up, Millie
05:24Nobody cares
05:25You know him
05:26You love him
05:27It's everyone's favourite assistant manager
05:30Thomas Rice!
05:32Woooo!
05:34Happy birthday, Thomas!
05:37Party!
05:38Get down
05:39Yeah
05:59You wanna come and sit here?
06:00And put that there for you?
06:02Okay
06:04Okay
06:05Um...right
06:06Can anyone tell me the first thing to do when you set up a food prep area?
06:12Hey! Yes! Beefy! Excellent!
06:14Black hunts and banging tunes?
06:15No, no
06:16No, that's...that's wrong I'm afraid
06:18Listening to music while working seriously impairs the senses
06:22It takes a truly skilled knifeman to rock out
06:25With his hock out
06:27Er...moving on
06:28I don't know if it's the Iron Match
06:30But I'm gonna be honest with you
06:31This is doing it for me
06:32Now, I wanna talk about blood-borne parasites
06:36No, still sexy
06:39Tom, you have to talk to me at some point
06:41It's not like I forgot an important birthday, is it?
06:43I'm thirty
06:44Thirty
06:46Well, not to split fanny hairs
06:48But my tits turned two last week
06:50Not so much as a card from you, my friend
06:51Not that I actually care
06:52Because, as I say
06:54Who remembers each other's birthdays anymore?
06:56It's actually very weird that Millie remembered yours
06:58Oh God, you...
06:59You don't think she's a bit...
07:02Er...
07:03Orcine A
07:05Bovine A
07:07Sorry, what is this mic?
07:08I completely forgot last time
07:09Millie's not crazy
07:10Trust me
07:11That psychopath is hiding something
07:13Olivia!
07:14There's like four of us
07:15I can hear every word you're saying
07:17Please, just...
07:18Can we concentrate?
07:19These health and safety inspectors
07:21They are bad mothers
07:22They take no shit
07:24Unless...
07:25Oh, hang on
07:26Well, unless they find a bit of shit
07:28If they find a little rat faeces or something
07:30Then they will take that
07:31They'll take it away to the lab to be tested
07:33Er...
07:34Er...
07:35And then shit gets real
07:38Look, I...
07:39I understand it's an unhelpful metaphor
07:41And I...
07:42I...
07:43I apologise for that
07:44But...
07:45Just get out there tonight, yeah?
07:46And remember
07:47Pellocks
07:48Wovswoop
07:51Hooray!
07:53God, what is he?
07:55Stay safe, people
07:56Yeah?
07:59Thanks, Pete
08:04You're selling it yourself!
08:18Oh, yes!
08:21Hello!
08:22Hi, what can I get you?
08:23Would you like some sirloin steak?
08:25We have some
08:26Just £12.99 per kilogram
08:27What would you like?
08:28Some lamb
08:29Lovely!
08:32Chicken?
08:33Yeah, I've got all the meats
08:34Including
08:35Simon's Big Bang
08:36Ha, ha, ha
08:37Oop
08:38Yes!
08:39Massage!
08:40Yeah!
08:41And you?
08:42Chicken thighs!
08:43Yeah, I've got packs of six
08:48Hey, hey, easy, back up
08:49Plenty of room for everyone
08:50Would you like a meatball?
08:51Huh?
08:52Would you like a meatball?
08:53Ah!
08:54Ah!
08:56My coxing!
09:03At ease!
09:04My salty comrades!
09:05So!
09:06How long have you and Tom been...?
09:07Getting married?
09:08Oh, that's adorable!
09:09Look, if you're trying to start a pissing contest with a transgender woman I think I know which one of us has better aim
09:21Tom is my friend, back the fuck down!
09:22I am so sorry if I've done something to offend you
09:23If this is about the time I snubbed you on aisle fifteen, I swear to god
09:24I thought you were a discount Halloween decoration
09:25You know what Millie, maybe you're right, maybe you really are just that nice
09:27Oh no!
09:28I seem to have knocked over one of your jars
09:29I thought you were a discount Halloween decoration
09:32You know what Millie, maybe you're right, maybe you really are just that nice
09:38Oh no!
09:39I seem to have knocked over one of your jars
09:42Oh!
09:43It's okay!
09:44It can happen to anyone, it's not like you did it on purpose
09:45Wow!
09:46What a sweet thing to say!
09:47And I promise Millie, it will never happen again
09:48Oh!
09:49Wow!
09:50Wow!
09:51Wow!
09:52Wow!
09:53Wow!
09:54Wow!
09:55Wow!
09:56Wow!
09:57Wow!
09:58Wow!
09:59Wow!
10:00Wow!
10:01Wow!
10:02Wow!
10:03Wow!
10:04Wow!
10:05Wow!
10:06Wow!
10:07Wow!
10:08Wow!
10:09Wow!
10:10Wow!
10:11Wow!
10:12Wow!
10:13Wow!
10:14Wow!
10:15Somebody is being a Butterfingers!
10:17Do these look buttery to you?
10:19Ooh!
10:20Simon!
10:21You need to buy a Millie!
10:24Don't ask me why!
10:25Just trust me, the woman's a fruitcake!
10:27Simon!
10:28I accidentally unplugged a deli freezer
10:33and now I've got loads of extra meat I need to get rid of
10:36Well, just like that, you and I have something in common
10:39Shut up, Olivia!
10:40I've been over my head, I can't run this place!
10:43I never wanted to be a manager
10:46It's just...
10:47It's so much responsibility, it's just so much stress
10:51I miss the man I was behind this counter
10:53Chopping loins and making coins
10:57Cleaning turkey necks
10:59Cashing dirty cheques
11:01We're not a care in the fucking world!
11:03Yeah
11:04My wife fell in love with the man I was behind this counter
11:08But now I don't know who I am anymore!
11:11How much of that is tears and how much is meat juice?
11:1480-20?
11:15Okay, well you've obviously got everything covered here
11:17If I could just get you to come fire Millie
11:19And then I'll leave you to your evening
11:21Fire Millie?
11:22I'm not firing my most hard working employee just because she gives you the creeps
11:27She does the work of four people, it's like 16U's
11:30Rude?
11:31No, for me to fire Millie she'd have to do something really bloody dangerous
11:35One of these days that bitch is gonna blow
11:38And then it's gonna be more than just meat juice on your hands
11:40Pull yourself together and be a bloody manager
11:43Hmm
11:45Hmm
11:46You don't see many crowbars these days
12:12They run out of old-timey dynamite sticks
12:14Look in here and tell me you do not see the behaviour of a psychopath
12:17Oh I see the behaviour of a psychopath
12:19You need Millie to be crazy otherwise it means you're a bad friend for forgetting my birthday
12:24Alright Carl Young
12:25Or should I say not so young anymore
12:27On account of your gradual decline towards the grave
12:29I've been on this planet 30 years now and the only meaningful relationship I have is with you
12:33Just get over yourself and leave Millie alone
12:35And you know what, sideshow knob
12:38Leave me alone too, I'm done
12:40Oh
12:42Oh
12:43Oh
12:44Oh
12:46Oh
12:48Oh
12:50Oh
12:52Oh no
12:54What are you um
12:56Oh
12:58Oh
13:00What's going on here?
13:02Oh nothing
13:04I spotted this gum in the ceiling, I'm thinking to myself, now that is neither healthy nor safe
13:08And then with this inspection coming up, why has nobody ever thought about scraping this gum off before?
13:14You know it's funny I did try once but it's impossible
13:16Oh
13:18Some things are just not meant for the mortal hands to grasp, consigned to the realms of gods and angels
13:20Yeah you're probably right, let's just leave it up there, judging us
13:24The one to do that was never to done
13:26Oh like a squishy white whale
13:28Yeah I'm just gonna pop this spatula on there, there we go
13:30Bye then
13:32Bye then
13:34Oh
13:36What's your name?
13:37Oh
13:38Oh
13:39Oh
13:40Oh
13:41Oh
13:42Oh
13:43Oh
13:44Oh
13:45Oh
13:46Oh
13:47Oh
13:49Oh
13:50Oh
13:51Oh
13:52Oh
13:53Oh
13:54Oh
13:55Oh
13:56Oh
13:57Oh
13:58Oh
13:59I'm coming for you, bitch
14:09Okay, so it turns out Millie, you remember Millie
14:13Millie is out there doing something incredibly unsafe
14:15Take a seat, Daddy Bear got meat to move
14:16So Toshy-san, yeah, I can offer you two dozen birds at cost price
14:19But if you want my meat, you're not a breast guy, you're not a thigh guy
14:22You're a whole bird bum to bugger kind of guy
14:25You are outstanding
14:27Hey, shh, listen, I should be thanking you
14:30That talk you gave me, that was the real boot and the beans I needed
14:33Excuse me, it's the zoo
14:35Caesar, hello, mate
14:36No, no, no, that's the deal, I'm afraid
14:38Let me spell it out to you
14:39Do you want Tongo to eat tonight
14:41Or do you want to have to paint black stripes on a big orange dog
14:44Yeah, exactly what I thought
14:46Bye-bye
14:47Simon, I am happy for you, I really am
14:49If you could just come out and fire Millie, I think we'd all feel a lot better about
14:52Quite a pound of your cheese, please
14:54Yeah, excuse me
14:55Here we go, I've got it ready for you, mate
14:58That's fine, let me take that
14:59Three, four and five as you change
15:01Thank you
15:02Totally normal
15:03As I was saying, if you could just come out and fire Millie, I think we'd all feel a lot
15:07Wasn't there something going on at midnight?
15:10It's cool
15:26Salutations, Thomas
15:30Did I hear someone say tax-deductible birthday banger?
15:33I'm vegan
15:34Yeah, it was good
15:36Great
15:37Thanks
15:38Where's Millie? What happened to the stepladder?
15:42She said it was slowing her down
15:43Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh
15:45Hey, come on
15:46I just want to say a few words
15:47Sorry, I know this is a party, but
15:48Permit me
15:50Um, I am so proud of this team
15:53We've gone an entire night without an incident
15:56And, uh, you know what?
15:57That gives me hope
15:58That there is someone up there
16:00Who still looks out for us
16:02Son of a bitch
16:03Ah! Millie!
16:05Millie!
16:06What are you doing up in the bloody ceiling?
16:08Oh no, am I missing the party?
16:10Happy birthday, Thomas
16:11Happy birthday
16:13Oh, Millie, now that is so incredibly unsafe
16:16Some might even say fireably unsafe
16:18Olivia, shut up!
16:19She could die
16:20Millie, it's Tom
16:21Please, I really think you should come down
16:22Oh, shit
16:30I'll be fine
16:32If I just stay here forever
16:34Just try and hold on
16:35Whatever you do
16:39Don't let your fingers incrementally slip off
16:41One by one like they do in the movies
16:43Okay
16:43No, one slipped off
16:46I'm so sorry
16:48Oh, that's another one
16:49That's twice as many as before
16:51Oh, there goes another one
16:53That's 60% of my grip compromise
16:55Millie, for the record
17:09I was trying to get you fired
17:10Not splattered on the floor
17:11Like a northern blancmange
17:13If I knew you'd pull a John McLean
17:14I might have thought twice about this
17:15Don't blame yourself
17:17I took the bait
17:18I care way too much what people think
17:20I guess we both do
17:21I feel like we've never spoken this openly before
17:24I know, right?
17:25What are you doing later?
17:26Do you fancy a game of pickleball?
17:27I have no fucking idea what that is
17:29Oh, you're going to love it
17:30I think Tom's choking
17:37Not today!
17:41Three, two, one
17:43Snapped him like a blonde twix
17:45Anyway, I can't believe I'm saying this
17:47But I'm having to draw an angry red face
17:50On your employment record, Millie
17:51Why do you have to make it look so much like me, Dad?
17:56It's just a coincidence
17:57Liv, always a pleasure
17:59If there's nothing else
18:00I have 40 pounds of ground beef to eat before sun-up
18:02So I will bid you adieu
18:04How's it feel to do something bad?
18:13Good
18:14How's it feel to do something good?
18:18Weird
18:18Speaking of which
18:20Consider this a peace offering
18:23Let me see her
18:25Watermelon
18:33I always knew in my heart
18:36It was watermelon
18:36Okay
18:37Sorry I forgot your birthday, Tom
18:40I don't care that you forgot my birthday
18:43I was just upset because
18:44Well, I was anxious that I was turning 30
18:47I needed a friend
18:48Not someone constantly screaming
18:50Eureka!
18:51My time machine works!
18:53Tom, man
18:54Everybody gets older
18:55Unless Millie's got some sort of
18:57Benjamin Button situation I don't know about
18:59Liv can't wait to get older
19:00All the women have beards
19:01And all the men have tits
19:02She's going to fit right in
19:03And that is what you call top shelf repartee
19:06Well, it's the first top shelf I've ever seen
19:08Yes, Millie, high five
19:09Dial it back, I'm still a person
19:10Okay
19:11Truth is, I actually feel pretty good
19:13This brush with death has, well
19:16Just made me realise I was being a bit stupid
19:18Life's short and I want to live it to the full
19:22With the people that I care about
19:24It's almost like somebody planned this entire thing
19:28To give you the birthday gift of a new perspective on life
19:31Yeah, right
19:32What, so you deliberately forgot my birthday
19:34You then teased me all day in order to stoke my insecurities
19:38You manipulated Millie up into the ceiling in order to pry off some chewing gum
19:42Knowing that at that exact moment I'd be stood underneath with my mouth open
19:46Bingo bango
19:47Chewing gum down my windpipe
19:49Yeah, right
19:51Give me a badge
19:55Off my tape
19:58GING
20:00TELL ME
20:12So
20:12That's not enough
20:13I'd appreciate it
20:15You bit
20:16You bit
20:16You bit
20:19You bit
20:22I got
20:24You bit
20:25I got