The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Listen to the rhythm of Will Augsburg at his orchestra,
00:05the great song styles of Connie Haynes and Bob Matthews.
00:10And that Humpty Dumpty little daddy's boy,
00:12who when asked what he'd like to give his father next Sunday,
00:15quickly replied,
00:16Come on, lady.
00:33Costello, you've got the wackiest family I've ever saw.
00:37Yesterday, they were all walking around the house,
00:39all walking around the house carrying signs.
00:41Well, we've got to do that, Abbott.
00:42We're picketing the kitchen.
00:44Picketing the kitchen of four.
00:45Shorter hours between meals and longer spaghetti.
00:49And another thing, Costello,
00:51I noticed that you've got three police dogs sleeping in your parlor.
00:54When did you buy them?
00:55We didn't.
00:56Them police dogs, they don't belong, does it?
00:58Then what are they doing in your parlor?
00:59The finance company put them there to watch the furniture.
01:03Costello, how can you...
01:05All right, love, please.
01:06How can you have all your relatives living with you?
01:08We put bleachers in our guest room.
01:10Oh, please.
01:11What a bunch.
01:11I noticed your Uncle Artie Stebbins has a very bad cold.
01:14How does that happen?
01:14Well, you see, Uncle Artie sleeps with his pet skunk.
01:17And at two o'clock in the morning, the skunk got up and opened the window.
01:19No, that's ridiculous.
01:24Did you get it?
01:25Ah, yes, yes, yes.
01:26I get it.
01:27That's ridiculous.
01:28Tell me, Costello.
01:29Will you listen to me, please?
01:31Is your Uncle Mike still living with you?
01:33I beg your pardon?
01:33Is your Uncle Mike still living with you?
01:35Oh, my Uncle Mike.
01:36You know, I was lost for a second.
01:37Why, are you sure?
01:38Oh, God.
01:40Yeah, I'm a play.
01:41And he's very helpful around the house.
01:42He is?
01:43Last week, he connected the radio up to the washing machine.
01:45What good is that?
01:46Now, every time my mother washes Pop's Red Plano, Frank Sinatra sings,
01:50Super Sard, Super Sard.
01:52Lots of more, Super Sard.
01:53All right, will you please?
01:59What's the matter with you?
02:00Super Sard?
02:01Yeah, you said that.
02:02We'll get a case of Super Sard.
02:04All right.
02:04All right, we'll get it.
02:05But that's not the point.
02:06Your father should ask him to move.
02:08Oh, he will when he finds out that Uncle Mike hung the shower curtains in the living room.
02:12He hung the shower curtains in the living room?
02:14What happened?
02:15What happened?
02:15Well, my Aunt May went to take a bath.
02:17She slipped off her bathrobe, grabbed the soap, pulled back the shower curtains,
02:21and stepped right out on the front porch.
02:26And she sang Super Sard.
02:30Look, Costello, what became of your cousin Tilly?
02:34Doesn't she live at your house anymore?
02:35Oh, no.
02:35We had to get rid of Tilly Abbott.
02:37She was ruining our front hall.
02:39Tilly was ruining your front hall?
02:40Yeah, she's so bull-nicked, she scraped all the paper off the wall.
02:43Tell me, tell me, Costello.
02:45How did your cousin Tilly get so bullied?
02:47That was caused by the trip she took coming from Patterson to Hollywood.
02:49Oh, no, no, no.
02:50How could Tilly's trip from New Jersey to California make her bullying?
02:53She hitchhiked the ride on an oil truck.
02:59Costello, why did your family ever come to California in the first place?
03:02Well, my Uncle Mike came out here to sell his invention.
03:05He invented magnetized cheese for catching rats.
03:08Magnetized cheese for catching rats?
03:10Yes.
03:10And this cheese is so powerful that any rats will stick to it like glue.
03:14Well, why doesn't your Uncle Mike sell it?
03:16He can't get it out of his hands.
03:18Oh, that's preposterous.
03:21All your Uncle Mike does around here is go to the racetrack.
03:24I saw him out there on Saturday.
03:25He had to go to the racetrack, have you?
03:26To work on his new experiment.
03:28He's crossing a horse with a fish.
03:29Now, wait a minute, Costello.
03:31That's impossible.
03:32Nobody can cross a horse with a fish.
03:33Well, I heard him tell my aunt Maeve that he put a fin on a horse's nose.
03:37All right, look.
03:40Costello, you're a nimbus, though.
03:41Why do you continually insist on showing your ignorance?
03:44What's the good of having ignorance if you can't show it?
03:49You are even dumber than your Uncle Mike.
03:51Why did your aunt Mae ever marry him?
03:54She married Uncle Mike because she reminded her of her first seven husbands.
03:57Your Aunt Mae had seven husbands?
03:58And they were all like your Uncle Mike?
04:00What a gamble she took with love.
04:02Yeah, she finally hit the jerk pot.
04:03The jerk.
04:05Costello, I sympathize with your father, living with a bunch of parasites.
04:09What did you say?
04:09I said your relatives were parasites.
04:11That's a lie.
04:11They are not parasites.
04:13They're Americans just like you and me.
04:15Costello, why don't you do something to make your father happy with you?
04:18Look, why don't you go out and get a job?
04:20Oh, I couldn't do that, Abbott, because I promised my mother I would never hurt anybody's feelings.
04:23Your getting a job couldn't hurt anybody's feelings.
04:26It could hurt mine.
04:28Besides, I tried to get a job in the Air Force as a bombardier, but they turned me down.
04:32Yeah, I don't believe that.
04:33Okay, I'll read you this letter they sent me.
04:35Here it says, right here.
04:36Dear Lou Costello, we cannot use you in the Air Force as a bombardier.
04:40The general listened to your program last Thursday night, and he said Costello may be all right on the radio,
04:44but how do we know he can raise those eggs from 10,000 feet?
04:46Now, get them out of here.
04:48Get them out.
04:48Well, Costello, where's the taxi?
05:02Call them.
05:02Call the taxi?
05:03Yeah, call them.
05:03Oh, taxi, taxi!
05:04Hey, hey, Chevy!
05:05Are you engaged?
05:06No, but I'm going steady.
05:09Okay, okay.
05:10Hey, hop in!
05:11Hop in!
05:12I'll take you down to the department store so you can get a present for your father.
05:16How did you know we were going there?
05:18I got a script, too.
05:25If your father wasn't my landlord, I'd fire you off this show tonight, brother.
05:30Oh, yeah?
05:31Yeah, yeah.
05:32And if I wasn't bigger than you, I'd punch you right in the nose.
05:36It so happens that I am bigger than you.
05:38That's the better reason.
05:42Oh, come on, Costello.
05:43Let's go before the store closes.
05:55My goodness, Costello.
05:56This department store is certainly crowded.
05:58Oh, this is nothing.
05:59You should have been here with me Saturday.
06:00They had a sale on men's trousers.
06:02What a mod.
06:03How them women were grabbing the stuff.
06:04One little short woman in the back of me, Captain Hallon.
06:06I got to get some trousers for my husband.
06:08I got to get some trousers for my husband.
06:10Did you get them?
06:11He must have.
06:11I went home without my pants.
06:15I beg your pardon, fatty boy.
06:18Aren't you, Lucas Dillow?
06:20Yeah, that's me.
06:21Well, I've been following you all around the store.
06:25I got a very important message for you.
06:28It's a special deli...
06:29It's a special deli...
06:31It's a special deli...
06:33It's a special delivery?
06:34No, a telegraph.
06:41And it's 50 cents collect.
06:44Okay, here's the 50 cents.
06:46Oh, thanks.
06:47I'll sing it to you.
06:48Happy Father's Day to you.
06:51Happy Father's Day to you.
06:53Happy Father's Day to you.
06:56Lucas the Hill.
06:57Lucas the Hill.
06:59Lucas the Hill.
07:01Lucas the Hill.
07:02No, no, Bud Abbott.
07:07Well, who sent that telegraph?
07:09I did.
07:10You did.
07:11Well, in the first place, this isn't Father's Day.
07:13And in the second place, you don't even know me.
07:14Yeah, that's right.
07:15But can you think of a better way to make a half a buck?
07:20Oh, so long, you chubby little rascal.
07:22Well, that's what you get for talking to strangers, Gustavo.
07:34But come on.
07:36We've got to find a present for your father.
07:37Hey, wait a minute.
07:37Wait a minute.
07:38Wait a minute.
07:38There's the undies department, and I need some.
07:40Hey, clerk.
07:41What's on your mind, rough, round, and repulsive?
07:44I'd like to see some underwear that would fit me.
07:52Who wouldn't?
07:55They've got funnier lines than me!
08:00For your information, Chubby, this is the ladies' lingerie department, and I am a model C.
08:06A model C?
08:07Young man, be careful how you talk to that lady.
08:17She may be a woman.
08:20Boy, this show is suffering.
08:23This show is suffering from too much health.
08:26Hey, Abbott, fire that guy.
08:27Oh, we can't.
08:28The Manpower Commission throws him to this job.
08:30Yeah, well, remind me to defrost him in the morning.
08:33Hey, Cotillo, there's the notion counter over there.
08:35Maybe we could get something there, huh?
08:37Oh, look at that girl behind the counter.
08:39Isn't she beautiful?
08:41Woo!
08:43Gorgeous, have you got any notions?
08:46No, and if you all got any, you'd better get rid of them.
08:52My father is a store detective, and he's 65 inches tall.
08:56He weighs 270 pounds.
08:58And yesterday, a fresh guy like you flirted with me, and my daddy bashed his head in.
09:03Now, what do you want?
09:04Gloves, socks, or handkerchief?
09:05I'll take an aspirin.
09:07Hey, look, Cotillo.
09:09Now, there's something that would be very nice for your father.
09:11A nice, soft pillow.
09:13Filled up with downs.
09:14Up with downs?
09:16Certainly.
09:17You see that pillow up there?
09:18That's down.
09:19How can it be down if it's up there?
09:21You dummy, I'm not talking about where it is.
09:23I'm talking about what it is.
09:24The pillow is up, but it's down.
09:26It's up, but it's down?
09:27Abbott, are we both looking at the same pillow?
09:29Of course.
09:30Of course.
09:30That pillow up there.
09:31Then you admit that the pillow is up.
09:33Certainly it's up, but it's down.
09:34Look, I've been watching that pillow and it ain't moved yet.
09:37It's still up there.
09:38That's right.
09:39You just said it was down.
09:40How did it get down?
09:41It didn't get down.
09:42It is down.
09:43It's always been down.
09:44That pillow is down even when it's up.
09:46One of us is nuts, brother.
09:48That pillow is down, Costello.
09:50You get down off a duck's back.
09:52That's a lie.
09:53I never even got up on a duck's back.
09:56I didn't say you got up on a duck's back.
09:59I said you get down off a duck's back.
10:01How could I get down off a duck if I never got on a duck?
10:03Listen, please.
10:05You don't get off a duck's back if you don't get on.
10:06Now listen, you dummy.
10:07When I say the pillow is down, I don't mean down like in the direction down.
10:10I mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back.
10:13And that kind of down can be up or down and it's still down.
10:17Oh, when you say the pillow was down, you don't mean down like the direction down.
10:21You mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back.
10:24And that kind of down can be up or down and it's still down.
10:27Now you've got it.
10:28Now I've got it.
10:29I don't even know what I'm talking about.
10:30Get him out of here.
10:40Well, Costello, we've been all through the store and you still haven't bought your father's
10:43present.
10:44I don't know what to get him, Abbott.
10:45Every time I get him a present, he loses it.
10:47Last year, I bought him a watch.
10:48He lost it.
10:49You bought him a watch and he lost it?
10:50Yeah.
10:50How did he lose it?
10:51He couldn't keep up the payments.
10:52Right.
10:55Stop saying, Costello.
10:56Look, hey, there's your Aunt Eva in the sporting goods department.
11:00Now I wonder what she's shopping for.
11:02Oh, she's going to buy my Uncle Tom a shotgun.
11:05Did your Uncle Tom tell her what kind of a shotgun to get?
11:07No.
11:07He don't even know she's going to shoot him.
11:11And Eva's very mean to your Uncle Tom.
11:13She is not.
11:14Two years ago, she made him a sponge cake.
11:16A sponge cake?
11:17Yep.
11:17He still uses it every time he takes a bath.
11:20Well, now that's silly, Costello.
11:22Look, why don't you get your father a book or a game, something to amuse him?
11:25I couldn't do that, Abbott.
11:26Last Christmas, I got him an electric train to play with and he had a terrible accident.
11:29Oh, now, Tom, Tom.
11:30How did your father have an accident with a toy train?
11:33He was running it in the living room.
11:35And when the train went by, he thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it.
11:40All right.
11:41He thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it.
11:45He jumped for it.
11:46Well, I got to pick her off the second time.
11:48All right.
11:49Say it again, then.
11:50I don't care.
11:50He thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it.
11:54All right.
11:54All right.
11:57You know seats are tough to get.
11:59Yeah, all right.
12:00Look, wait a minute.
12:01I got an idea.
12:02Why don't you get him something to wear?
12:03How about, hey, how about a full dress suit?
12:05Oh, you know my father ain't a fancy dresser.
12:07Well, your mother should make him dress up.
12:09Dress up?
12:10Why, my mother has to sprinkle packs around the house to get him to wear shoes.
12:15Costello, there must be something that your father needs.
12:17I got it.
12:18I know exactly what you need.
12:20What is it?
12:20I'll get him a vest with rubber pockets.
12:22What does your father need a vest with rubber pockets for?
12:25Because when he eats out, he always likes to take home the wet pee bags.
12:33All right, all right.
12:34Stop it, Joker.
12:35Anything you get at, General.
12:38Go ahead.
12:38Buy him the vest.
12:39And now, Costello, if you're going to step out with your father, you should get yourself
12:43a new suit.
12:44All your clothes look terrible.
12:46I can't help it.
12:47I wish I had somebody to pick up my clothes for me.
12:50Now, you know, I'm glad you said that, Costello.
12:52Because right here in this store, they have the world's greatest authority on men's clothes.
12:56Ah, greetings, gentlemen.
12:58I am the world's greatest authority on men's styles, Professor Melonhead.
13:03Better known as Fashion Plate Melonhead.
13:07Fashion what, Melonhead?
13:08Fashion Plate.
13:09Plate.
13:10Plate.
13:10Your head looks more like a soup bowl.
13:13Hey, get away that shiny dome.
13:14I've seen more hair on a pencil toothbrush.
13:16Now, Costello, wherever I go, my head arouses admiration.
13:22Your head would arouse the mother instinct in an ostrich.
13:26And it would get results.
13:29Now, Costello, you should knock the professor's head.
13:32I've knocked better-looking things than bats with a croquet mouth.
13:36Hey, Melonhead, if you can get two more guys with heads like yours, I can do a steady job.
13:40Doing what?
13:41Hanging out in front of a pawn shop.
13:44With a cell like yours, I'll bet you don't get any girls.
13:46No, for your information, Costello, I get more girls than I can shake a stick at.
13:49Yeah, but who wants to go around shaking sticks at girls?
13:52Oh, come, come, Costello.
13:54We're wasting time.
13:55Professor Melonhead, do you think you could make a well-dressed man out of Costello?
13:58Have it?
13:58I could make two well-dressed men out of him and have enough left over to make an overstuffed midget.
14:05Now, Costello, the trouble with you, Mr. Lou Costello, is that you're out of the shape.
14:09Look at you.
14:10Instead of your shoulders being square, your stomach is square.
14:14Well, I can't help it, Melonhead.
14:16That's because I eat Wheaties.
14:18Whoa.
14:19Wheaties?
14:20Eating Wheaties makes your stomach square?
14:22I eat the boxes, too.
14:26Now, Costello, look.
14:28To correct the slope in your shoulders, I will have to pad them up.
14:32What are you going to pad them up with?
14:33Down.
14:34Up with down?
14:35Down and up, yes.
14:36Get off the back of the script!
14:37Now, wait a minute.
14:38No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.
14:41Who's out first?
14:42Who's out first?
14:42All right, never mind that.
14:43What's on second?
14:44I won't say anything of a crime.
14:45Shut up, Costello.
14:46The professor is only trying to help you.
14:48Of course, Mr. Abbott.
14:49Then I'm lost again.
14:50All right.
14:52Thank you, thank you, thank you.
14:54Go right ahead, professor.
15:01Go right ahead, professor.
15:02All right.
15:02All right.
15:03Who talks?
15:03I do.
15:04Mr. Abbott is right.
15:05Mr. Abbott is right, Costello.
15:12You look like an embryonic warp rest.
15:15Now, look.
15:15What's the idea of wearing...
15:16Find place to find my part.
15:18I'm going to find it on warp rest.
15:22Look how you're dressed.
15:23What's the idea of wearing that locket around your neck?
15:26You shouldn't have mentioned that, Melonhead.
15:27I wear this locket as a remembrance to my old girlfriend.
15:30Poor Ruby.
15:31In here is a lock of her hair.
15:33Oh, I'm sorry.
15:34Is Ruby gone?
15:36Nope.
15:36But her hair is...
15:37Oh, no.
15:38Why, you irritating imbecile.
15:39If I were your father, I'd give you a Mickey.
15:42Melonhead, if you was my father, I'd take it.
15:46Come, come, professor.
15:47Oh, this is not getting Costello dressed up now.
15:48You're right, Abbott.
15:49Costello, how about your clothes?
15:50Do you have flannel?
15:50Yes.
15:51Do you have gabardine?
15:51Yes.
15:52Do you have twill?
15:53What?
15:53I said, do you have twill?
15:55Only when I go out with germs.
15:59You're a twill.
16:00All right.
16:01Now, Costello, I will repair your entire sort-trial ensemble.
16:05First, I will put a zipper on your seersucker.
16:08I'll cut the frayed edges off your tashmere.
16:10I will twist your tweed, shorten your shit.
16:14I'll take a sharp needle, put a few stitches in your worsted, and then I will run a hot iron over your herringbone.
16:20You wouldn't dare.
16:26You haven't got the nerve.
16:27Cut, cut, Costello.
16:28Don't cut, cut me, Melonhead.
16:29This time you have gone too far.
16:31I didn't say nothing when you took me for a sucker with that zipper.
16:34I kept my mouth shut when you put twisted weed in my Chevrolet.
16:37I didn't squeal when you took that sharp needle and put stitches in that innocent cashier.
16:42When you took that hot iron and deliberately burned that poor herringbone, you not only impute on my good name, but you have cast aspersion on Hart, Scheffler, and Groucho Martin.
16:53You've been listening to the Abbott and Costello Show with Will Osborne and his orchestra, Ken Niles, and with songs by Bob Matthews and Connie Haines.
17:03You've been listening to the Abbott.