- 6 days ago
A trio of geeks go to Hollywood to make a movie and are bored one night so they get some hookers to have some sex. Unfortunately, the hookers like to drink blood.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Vampires, fact or lurid dime novel fiction?
00:00:30Reality, or the stuff of twisted imaginations created by filmmakers seeking excuses to photograph women with breasts larger than their head?
00:00:47Hello, I'm Professor Somerset, and this is Vampire Central.
00:00:53Within these walls, the study of undead phenomenon isn't taken lightly. In fact, we're dead serious about it.
00:01:02Every day, hundreds of calls come in, reporting sightings and attacks.
00:01:09Desperate people with desperate problems, all looking to Vampire Central to help against this growing horror.
00:01:18Well, there's a call now.
00:01:23Vampire Central? Yes?
00:01:28No. No, listen. It's very easy. Pepperoni on its own side.
00:01:36Yes. Sausage and onion on its own side. Thank you.
00:01:47After years of painstaking research in the field of history, geography, genealogy, and mammography, the shocking truth has become clearly evident.
00:02:06Not only do vampires really exist, but currently, they represent a shadowy, worldwide scourge that makes the bubonic plague look like the hiccups.
00:02:21Here at the center, we're well equipped to track this problem and pinpoint the troublesome areas.
00:02:30Let's take a look.
00:02:33What's it like out there today, Sandra?
00:02:36Well, Professor, there's a heavy concentration of vampires moving in from Northern California,
00:02:42which should bring some pretty heavy scares to those people just east of Las Vegas, Nevada, by early tomorrow morning.
00:02:49That doesn't sound too good.
00:02:52No, it doesn't. And while that front moves across the state, we're expecting unusually high appetites and a lot of cloudiness.
00:03:00It's gonna be dark out there. Everyone should drive carefully.
00:03:04And remember, don't pick up any hitchhikers. It's gonna be raining blood for the next few days.
00:03:10You heard me. Cancel my gig at the Sahara. Gotta go now.
00:03:16Thanks for that report, Sandra.
00:03:19Anytime, Professor.
00:03:21You're probably asking yourself, how in the hell can something like this happen?
00:03:28Well, don't ask me. I'm just a man like any one of you.
00:03:31However, I think I can trace the problem right into your own living room.
00:03:38That's right, buddy. You're the problem. And don't sit there looking so smug either, you little wimp.
00:03:46It's you, all right. You're the troublemaker because you don't believe in him.
00:03:51That's right. That vampire's greatest strength is that people refuse to acknowledge their existence.
00:03:57The case you're about to see, taken word for word from the big book of vampires, is just such a story.
00:04:09In it you will see sex, blood, girls with huge melons, more blood, stupid naive kids, and a lot more blood.
00:04:21And in case you're wondering just what to look for when you're out vampire hunting, this is a good place to start.
00:04:34The big book of vampires, it's at your local library. Check it out.
00:04:41Find us.
00:04:43Find us out.
00:04:44In all this stuff here, Tony Lennon.
00:04:45Find us out, trust you know, can we use thisä¹… bar?
00:04:55Find us as wisdom and care and save us.
00:04:58And we love Jesus.
00:05:00Hold down a nice arm.
00:05:01But I don't like for ourselves today.
00:05:03Hold down a nice arm.
00:05:04Find us to find us and save us that our choir.
00:05:08that was incredible we aim to please officer you know you should be arrested for assaulting a police
00:05:24officer the deadly weapon well are you willing to let me off on a warning maybe we'll have to
00:05:31confiscate your weapons again afraid so well all right but this time we're going to do things my way
00:05:41you know you girls should be a little more subtle in your advertising this is beverly hills you know
00:05:49we should be hauling you down to the station right now i don't know how and explain this one to the
00:05:56chief back at the base well you'll have plenty of time to figure that out what what do you mean
00:06:05giddy up horsey giddy up let's ride
00:06:19here comes a hedge and another one oh come on horsey don't run out of steam now
00:06:30we're almost to the finish line when am i going to get a chance to be the rider
00:06:35all right after i brand you brand me where are you going to brand me how about right on your
00:06:47no oh no
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00:09:13there's one of the famous movie idols we've come to love ah there it is Grohman's Chinese
00:09:18theater and elvis he never did really die you know it was all a hoax look tom cruise reminds
00:09:22me of myself my younger days uh hollywood oh a physical reader there that's swell oh look
00:09:27there's a movie star hey eddie eddie i guess he didn't hear me tourist traps yeah club hollywood
00:09:35oh gee this is swell hollywood chape oh look ray rogers wow look at the zooms on that babe ah hollywood what a town where legends are born ah fredericks of hollywood home of the crotchless panties edible underwear oh muscles franksies oh the frolic room the sex shop pussy cat oh oh a veterinarian's place yeah i wonder where spectacular action pictures is
00:10:04oh
00:10:06oh here it is oh there's the address it's right up here come on fellas
00:10:11how many copies of the script did you bring three i told you three three three why three
00:10:21well it seemed like a doable number at the time one for him to read and a couple for his associates
00:10:25maybe we should have just brought a treatment treatment treatments don't mean in this town
00:10:29you need a script can't tell anything from a treatment for us can you bring the tapes
00:10:33yeah right here uh three quarter vhs beta i mean with all this stuff he's bound look at something
00:10:38great gee i wish we had more than just the local tv ads hey guys we have what we have
00:10:44i know it sounds a little deep for you fellas but that's what we're selling here his script and the three
00:10:48of us package deal you know this project's gonna be great i can see every cut every shot i can't wait
00:10:54i can't wait to shoot in 35 i mean the camera's lens is so much better than the super eight
00:10:59so you guys making a movie huh that's right that's nice nice no see your nails are nice movie's gonna be great
00:11:09okay don't get your underwear tied in a knot say are you an actress no i'm the ambassador to sweden
00:11:17what do you think i am hey hey hey don't tie your underwears up all the knots and stuff and
00:11:23don't wear any this is hollywood um excuse me what's your name sherry santa monica oh any relation to the street
00:11:36uh huh it's not my real name it's my nom de plumage something funny uh no no nothing see uh maybe you'd
00:11:48like to be in our movie i mean yes you have very well developed cheekbones so what's this epic about
00:11:57anyway oh i'll tell you all about it it's sort of a tender love story it's about the loss of innocence a
00:12:02a guy learning to take control of his life and learning values in the wake of personal loss you
00:12:06know that kind of thing any nudity nudity yeah nudity they don't exactly hire me to do anson
00:12:15checkoff you know well uh there's uh teller yeah that's okay i only do topless now anyway my hardcore days are
00:12:25behind me get behind me you guys are really clever you know yes sir okay you guys are really clever you know
00:12:33yes sir okay you can go in now mr pendleton is ready to see you oh thank you thank you
00:13:01was it good for you too big boy can i get you a band-aid
00:13:11what do you mean i can't get a product placement deal with lamborghini hey you know you're talking to
00:13:22aaron pendleton spectacular films listen if you guys don't like it i may just change the title to
00:13:27motorcycles how do you like that come on in come on yeah put in there pal hey
00:13:34hey brock brock i know you anywhere brock i'm brock brock i'd recognize you anywhere
00:13:40yeah it's been a long time how are you yeah i haven't seen you since you were about as small as a
00:13:46a grips paycheck huh paycheck little film mode oh right humor humor i got it we got it hey uh so
00:13:52these two are the other uh warner brothers all right this is russell penny camera man hi nice to
00:13:57meet you and this is kyle carpenter he wrote the script nice to make you carl hey that's kyle yeah sure
00:14:02hey a photographer a scriptwriter just what we need in hollywood we'll sit down sit down
00:14:08how about you brocco well i'm i'm a director a director i love this kid now your old man tells me
00:14:19that you're putting a project together right right you want to tell me about it one better than that
00:14:24we got a script script nobody reads scripts in this town you got a treatment uh treatment um let me have
00:14:32kyle tell you about it sure sure let the writer take a shot at it go ahead shoot carl
00:14:37uh that's kyle yeah sure go ahead uh well sir it's it's a kind of a love story yeah wait a minute
00:14:42kind of love story kind of a uh kind of a kind of an offbeat thing you know kind of a weird tale a
00:14:48twist well sort of geez i like it already so you got a love story what's the title it's called what
00:14:55now my love what now my love great title i remember it already now let's get this straight you got this love
00:15:02story um nance called what now my love and you want to direct it you want to write it and you want
00:15:09to shoot it right that's correct just like that just like that oh we got a reel well great great great
00:15:19great you mean that shows all the features that uh that you've directed and you've written and you've
00:15:23photographed ah well not exactly i mean it's mostly local tv spots we've done wonderful boys boys boys
00:15:34as much as i i love to encourage new talent you understand and and and to bring you along with
00:15:41fresh ideas i mean face it you don't just waltz into a a town like hollywood and just make a movie
00:15:48come on i see we thought you could help with the production you know studio equipment and everything
00:15:54no i'll tell you what i can do for you i can probably get you started out doing uh some crewing work
00:16:01on a couple of films maybe you know just to get your feet wet to help you learn a few things about the
00:16:06ropes and meanwhile i want you to keep working up on these great ideas okay and keep in the back of your head
00:16:12all the time who's going to be seeing my picture now here's a little something i'm developing right now
00:16:23sort of a desert epic you know like lawrence of arabia it's called motorcycle sluts in heat
00:16:31now there's a love story gonna take about five days to shoot it fred olin ray is dying to direct
00:16:39uh sir will you at least have a look at our script well sure sure go ahead and leave it and give us your
00:16:46reel too and meanwhile what i want you guys to do is to go out and just kind of have some fun you know
00:16:52see the sights go to disneyland try the uh the universal studios tour you'll learn a lot i know i did
00:16:58and uh i'll tell you what i do i'll have my girl call your girl in a couple days we'll do lunch kid
00:17:04all right right chop yeah get me uh get me fred olin ray on the phone yeah yeah i think it went okay
00:17:19yeah yeah some connection brock yeah we don't see the mgm line jumping over you think you'll at least read our script
00:17:25i don't know well he seemed pretty sincere yeah pretty sincere kept calling you carl what's wrong with that
00:17:31your name's kyle oh yeah yeah but he said it so sincerely motorcycle sluts in heat you know i could get into
00:17:38some motorcycle footage kind of an easy rider genre you ever see clint eastwood in the great escape
00:17:44don't show your ignorance that was sylvester stallone guys harvey corman come on let's get the stairs
00:17:50yes it is i balthazar
00:18:19enter
00:18:22oh balthazar what is it now you know i need my beauty sleep
00:18:36you instructed me to inform you when the gentleman from the police department left the premises
00:18:44oh yes did they get off okay i believe their visit was very satisfactory to all concerned good and maybe they'll stay off our backs for a while
00:19:01get it stay off our backs for a while good one eh
00:19:08yes madam very humorous
00:19:11oh balthazar why don't you lighten up a bit
00:19:14yes ma'am
00:19:17yes ma'am
00:19:19yes ma'am
00:19:20yes ma'am
00:19:22kyle
00:19:23oh i've been dying for you to call
00:19:26i miss you already
00:19:27yeah i miss you too babe how you doing
00:19:29i'm fine
00:19:31so how was the trip
00:19:32when did you get in
00:19:33oh it was okay it was a little long after a while but all in all it was okay
00:19:37yeah we got in this morning we went right to our first meeting
00:19:40you've already had a meeting
00:19:42oh that's all we do down here we have meetings
00:19:44yeah it was with brock's uncle he's a producer
00:19:46oh you told me about him
00:19:49well how'd it go
00:19:50oh well pretty good
00:19:51yeah he's gonna get back to us
00:19:53he's gotta read the script and everything
00:19:54yeah these things take time you know
00:19:56yeah he loved the concept though
00:19:58really
00:19:59and guess what he especially loved the title
00:20:01my title
00:20:03he loved my title
00:20:05i can't believe it
00:20:08yeah of course
00:20:09but you know as they say nothing's final till the checks in the mail
00:20:12yeah so let's not get too worked up about it
00:20:15oh i won't but it's it's so exciting
00:20:18yeah well hey it's hollywood babe take a walk on the wild side
00:20:21yeah well let's not get too wild down there
00:20:24i've heard about those starlets
00:20:26starlets starlets no honest i haven't seen a single starlet
00:20:30not in a whole hour
00:20:31kyle you stop it now
00:20:33i mean it you stay away from those
00:20:36those bimbos
00:20:38okay i promise after tonight no more bimbos
00:20:40tonight what do you mean tonight
00:20:43what's happening tonight
00:20:44look did i say tonight no no honest trust me
00:20:48i could just kill you
00:20:53hey look honey the guys are here i gotta go dinner's served
00:20:56hey kyle off the phone girls are here
00:20:58hey girls right in here over here girls
00:21:00do you mind i'm talking to somebody on the phone here
00:21:02oh god look at them have you ever seen girls like that before you never get those at home look at the tan lines
00:21:07come on hurry up your necks let's get it going
00:21:09kyle do you have girls in there
00:21:11yeah
00:21:12no molly it's only brock you know how brock is
00:21:19yeah i'll see you later honey i love you too bye
00:21:23adolescent neanderthal
00:21:24i was talking to somebody there on the phone
00:21:29easy easy
00:21:30she knew we were just kidding
00:21:31yeah well
00:21:32what are you two getting serious now
00:21:34well you know how it is
00:21:36listen do you know how long it took for me to get up enough courage to ask her out for the first time
00:21:39no go ahead and bore us with that one again
00:21:41tell us how long it took you to get it up
00:21:43wise guy
00:21:44guys i got something to take your mind off everything
00:21:46all right
00:21:47look at this
00:21:48holy cow
00:21:49what is this where'd you get it
00:21:50let me see this
00:21:51hey hey hey
00:21:5275 cents tied up in this
00:21:53give me my share
00:21:54okay i'll just one section
00:21:56you have to believe some of those ads
00:21:58oh man
00:21:59jesus this is like a damn sex menu
00:22:01is this hollywood or what
00:22:02oh my gosh
00:22:04uh oh look at this
00:22:06i'm for real
00:22:07submissive blonde seeks dominant men and couples
00:22:10spank me tease me please me
00:22:12i love it all
00:22:13plenty of b and d
00:22:15and tvs welcomes
00:22:17hey brock what's tvs
00:22:18transvestite idiot
00:22:20you know a guy who's not a girl but he
00:22:22he wants to be a girl
00:22:23actually he wear dresses but he
00:22:25he acts sort of like a
00:22:26it's a chick with balls kyle
00:22:28gee i never had one of them
00:22:30all right here's one
00:22:31i'll make you wet and make you sweat
00:22:33to see how freakish you can get
00:22:35oh
00:22:36that's it
00:22:37that's it
00:22:38we gotta call one
00:22:39get out of here
00:22:40no seriously
00:22:41i bought this just for the fun of it
00:22:42but how about it
00:22:43let's call one
00:22:44wait
00:22:4557
00:22:4636 26 36
00:22:4721 years
00:22:49125 pounds
00:22:51blonde
00:22:52blue light
00:22:53seductress
00:22:54sweet as a peach
00:22:55oh
00:22:56oh
00:22:57i'll make you feel like a man
00:22:58because i'm 100 percent woman
00:23:00that's angeline
00:23:01that's it
00:23:02i think i'm in love with angeline
00:23:03you see
00:23:04you see that face
00:23:05how come you banding a friend in need here
00:23:06huh
00:23:07no
00:23:08let's get organized
00:23:09okay we need a group thing going here
00:23:10look at the group thing
00:23:11you know what i mean
00:23:12oh oh like three of us and three of them
00:23:13or three of us and six of them
00:23:15or
00:23:16three of us and a big one of them
00:23:17or three of us two dogs and a pony
00:23:20rock rock you can count me out of this i already got a girlfriend
00:23:23who
00:23:24molly
00:23:25of course
00:23:26you guys are separated
00:23:27what do you mean separated
00:23:28well you're separated you're here and she's there
00:23:30that don't matter i love her
00:23:32all right
00:23:33here we go
00:23:34listen i really believe that if you care about somebody you should stay faithful to them
00:23:37hey hey hey this is hollywood fantasyland
00:23:39i've met molly very nice girl however i'm sure she wouldn't mind
00:23:43all right maybe i can just come along as an observer
00:23:46all right
00:23:47all right
00:23:48that's the spirit let's go
00:23:49all right
00:23:50hey hey hey listen
00:23:51these girls aren't gonna do this for free
00:23:53we gotta pay them with something don't we
00:23:55say no more
00:23:56charge card plastic for leather
00:23:58seems like a fair trade in my books huh
00:24:00a charge card how do you get hold of a charge card
00:24:02what saving for emergencies
00:24:04i can't think of a better one than three naked women
00:24:06besides it's my dad's guy's not gonna get the bill till next month
00:24:09i think i found it
00:24:10what
00:24:11i think i've
00:24:12you found what
00:24:13what do you got
00:24:14well okay check this out
00:24:15three little kittens have shaved their mittens
00:24:18any guys out there ready to keep us warm
00:24:20lovely sensuous hot ladies
00:24:22two's company
00:24:23three's delicious
00:24:24we don't bite unless you want us to
00:24:27let's do it
00:24:28let's call let's call
00:24:29what's the number
00:24:30okay
00:24:31oh get this
00:24:32five five five west
00:24:33okay
00:24:34look up another one
00:24:35case we're busy or something
00:24:36i'm looking i'm looking
00:24:37look up another one
00:24:38all right
00:24:39no animal stuff
00:24:40okay
00:24:41it's ringing
00:24:42it's ringing
00:24:43it's ringing
00:24:44okay shh shh
00:24:45hello
00:24:46hi
00:24:47did i dial right
00:24:48five five five w-e-t-t
00:24:51yeah we're looking for a lady in the ad
00:24:53oh
00:24:54it's the butler
00:24:55it's the butler
00:24:56it's the butler
00:24:57yeah we're looking for a little company
00:24:58with three of us
00:24:59right
00:25:00yeah
00:25:01uh-huh
00:25:02of course we're young healthy and very good looking
00:25:04uh we're young and healthy
00:25:06right
00:25:07eight o'clock
00:25:08uh come on can't you pick it a little sooner
00:25:11i don't know if we'll still be young at eight o'clock
00:25:13eight o'clock
00:25:15pencil pencil
00:25:16let me get the directions down here
00:25:18okay
00:25:19up the hill
00:25:20all right
00:25:22and left
00:25:23okay we'll see you at eight
00:25:24oh wait
00:25:25before you go
00:25:26what seat is this in
00:25:27oh my god
00:25:28i mean see you at eight
00:25:30right
00:25:31guys
00:25:32what these girls live in beverly hills
00:25:34holy cow beverly hills
00:25:35jeez
00:25:36we're going to beverly hills
00:25:37that's good
00:25:38that's good
00:25:39we're going to beverly hills
00:25:40yeah
00:25:49you know i don't think this is such a hot idea
00:25:51oh yeah
00:25:52i'm telling you money or no money these beautiful california babes will have nothing to do with guys like us
00:25:56yeah well you got molly and we got nothing so we're going and you're coming with us
00:25:59and besides
00:26:00when's the last time old ma put out for you huh
00:26:02well
00:26:03hey
00:26:04you know what we gotta do we gotta get the girls
00:26:05there's no girls in california so let's go pay for them
00:26:07yeah that's our only solution here i mean you know even if we found those beautiful beach babes what are we gonna do they're not even gonna look at us
00:26:15hey come on act cool guys we're in hollywood now i'll be back
00:26:32i'll be back
00:26:49wow
00:26:50nice tits
00:27:01are you gonna buy something
00:27:06yeah
00:27:07sure lots of things
00:27:09well then get on with it
00:27:11yes ma'am
00:27:12yeah some marshmallows would be good
00:27:26let's see
00:27:27cigars
00:27:28cigars
00:27:29huh
00:27:30what kind of rock one i don't guess these things i'll do in a pinch
00:27:40beer beer
00:27:42beer
00:27:50mmm
00:27:51i could go for some of this right now
00:27:53yeah
00:28:03well
00:28:04must be australians
00:28:05forget it
00:28:07all the gold
00:28:08you're gonna be here all night
00:28:23no ma'am i'm just about done
00:28:25i hope this doesn't become a habit with you
00:28:28no ma'am
00:28:29well there's only one other thing i need
00:28:33what is it
00:28:34i uh
00:28:35spit it out
00:28:36i
00:28:38i need some um
00:28:39protection
00:28:41they don't sell dogs here they don't sell guns here
00:28:45you're in the wrong store
00:28:47i don't think you understand
00:28:52i need prophylactics okay
00:28:55you know rubbers
00:28:57rubbers
00:28:58rubbers
00:28:59you want rubbers
00:29:02yeah lady
00:29:03what kind do you want big guy
00:29:06i don't know
00:29:07a plane wrap
00:29:09you cheap
00:29:10wait lady look i just want to buy these i just want to get the hell out of here okay my friends are waiting for me in the car
00:29:15i can't sell it to you casanova
00:29:17why's that
00:29:18why's that
00:29:19because i don't work here
00:29:20because i don't work here
00:29:27what do you expect me to help you
00:29:29take a look for you
00:29:31i will make today
00:29:32see you
00:29:33see you
00:29:35there
00:29:36anything
00:29:38i can
00:29:39get a look
00:29:40how's that
00:29:41today
00:29:42i can
00:29:43take a look
00:29:44i can
00:29:45take a look
00:29:46judic
00:29:47i can
00:29:48take a look
00:29:49i can
00:29:50go
00:29:51i can
00:29:52take a look
00:29:53i can
00:29:54take a look
00:29:55Boy, this isn't what I expected.
00:30:19You sure you got the right directions?
00:30:21Yeah, I got the directions right.
00:30:23You know what it is?
00:30:24It's kind of like leaving the beaver meets the exorcist, huh?
00:30:27I got a weird feeling about this.
00:30:29Yeah, well, most of the time, I got a weird feeling about you.
00:30:34Even a man who is pure in his heart and says his prayers by night.
00:30:39Will you knock that off?
00:30:41This place gives me the creeps.
00:30:42Yeah, creeps.
00:30:43Me too.
00:30:50Yes?
00:30:53Well, come, come now.
00:30:57Goodness knows I haven't got all evening.
00:31:01We're the guys that called early this afternoon.
00:31:03We got an appointment for 8 o'clock?
00:31:04Oh, I suppose so.
00:31:14Follow me.
00:31:16Is this place Hollywood or what?
00:31:17Come on.
00:31:29You boys wait here.
00:31:32Hey, Brock, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
00:31:43Right.
00:31:44Better idea is us three go back to the motel and take turns in the bathroom, huh?
00:31:47Bathroom?
00:31:48Come on.
00:31:49This is Hollywood.
00:31:50We're Hollywood.
00:31:51What is it without little decadence, huh?
00:31:52Biz without show.
00:31:53Lane without fast.
00:31:54Tinsel without town.
00:31:55Lost without Angelus.
00:31:57You're a wild man.
00:31:59Come on.
00:32:01Yeah, it's a real nice mansion.
00:32:13The wallpaper's real pretty, and the butler seems like a real friendly guy.
00:32:15Yeah, you can see the whole place is designed to heighten your excitement and expectations.
00:32:17Hi, Molly.
00:32:18Do you mind, butthead?
00:32:19I might use this in a script someday.
00:32:20Oh, butthead.
00:32:21That's real hip, Kyle.
00:32:22I don't know about this, Brock.
00:32:47I don't know about this, Brock.
00:32:51I don't know about this.
00:32:58Who?"
00:32:59I'm sorry.
00:33:01About this, Brock.
00:33:03We've had aaval.
00:33:06Now don't know about this.
00:33:08We've been stuck.
00:33:10We've had aaval.
00:33:13We know so many how cold we caught the camels of the night.
00:33:18God, you're gorgeous.
00:33:31Punch me. I must be dreaming.
00:33:34Pinch me.
00:33:36Hello, boys.
00:33:38How is it hanging?
00:33:41It's hanging good.
00:33:43I like you.
00:33:47Like.
00:33:49Like. I like, like.
00:33:52This is Jessica.
00:33:56This is Claudia.
00:33:59And I'm Christina.
00:34:01But we don't know your names.
00:34:05This is Russell.
00:34:06Nah, this is Brock.
00:34:08I'm Brock.
00:34:09What's your name?
00:34:11My name is, uh, uh, uh, uh, Kyle.
00:34:14My name is Kyle.
00:34:15Kyle?
00:34:16Well, you look delicious, Kyle.
00:34:21Girls, what do you say?
00:34:22We, uh, hit the sheets?
00:34:24Uh, now, now.
00:34:26Business before pleasure.
00:34:28Business?
00:34:29Is this on separate checks or all together?
00:34:33Oh, it's on my dad.
00:34:35I mean, I mean, it's on, I'm not me.
00:34:38Oh, how generous.
00:34:40I like your style.
00:34:43I have something very special in mind for you.
00:34:46I bet you do.
00:34:47You haven't seen the half of it yet.
00:34:52I have all sorts of hidden talents.
00:34:55Come on, boys.
00:34:57Right this way.
00:34:58I have all sorts of things you can do from that.
00:35:19You know, I had fantasies, but never like this.
00:35:34Do you like S&M?
00:35:36I like all the letters.
00:35:37So, how do you want me to pose?
00:35:51Uh, improvise.
00:35:53Oh, wait, how many shots do I get?
00:35:55Oh, as many as you need to get what you want.
00:35:57That's great.
00:36:01Here, wait.
00:36:02Okay.
00:36:04Oh, yeah.
00:36:05Ooh, that's hot.
00:36:07That's good.
00:36:12Okay.
00:36:16Oh, God.
00:36:17Yeah.
00:36:18Nice, nice arches.
00:36:19Nice arches.
00:36:20Oh, that's nice.
00:36:21Yeah.
00:36:27Okay.
00:36:36Ooh.
00:36:37That works for me.
00:36:55That works for me.
00:36:56So, you've been working here long?
00:37:16A very long time.
00:37:18Yeah, well, it must be very satisfying for you, working with the public and all.
00:37:21I don't often do it in public.
00:37:24Yeah, well, what I mean is it must be very satisfying for you to help people and everything.
00:37:27The name of the game is satisfaction.
00:37:31And I'm insatiable.
00:37:33Are you the man to quench my thirst?
00:37:36Well, you know, it's a funny thing.
00:37:37I've been thinking about that.
00:37:37Maybe I'm not the right guy.
00:37:38Maybe you should get hooked up with somebody else.
00:37:40Well, I didn't mean to say hooked.
00:37:41What I meant this day is that...
00:37:42I know.
00:37:43But I think you'll do just fine.
00:37:49Relax.
00:37:51Enjoy it.
00:37:51Oh, I'm really enjoying it.
00:37:52I'm having a swell time.
00:37:53I'm really excited, too.
00:37:54Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:37:56Listen, I've got to be moving.
00:37:56Don't forget to right.
00:37:57See you later.
00:37:57Oh, damn!
00:38:21Excuse me?
00:38:24You startled me.
00:38:25I didn't hear you.
00:38:27You shouldn't sneak up on a person like that, you naughty boy.
00:38:31Listen, I'm going to be leaving now, and I'm going to be taking the car.
00:38:33So when my friends come down, can you tell them to just grab a cab?
00:38:36Something displeases you?
00:38:37No, that's not it.
00:38:38It's just this place isn't exactly my cup of tea.
00:38:40Oh, I know what you mean.
00:38:44There's no reason the evening should be a total loss.
00:38:48Listen, I'm very liberal-minded.
00:38:50That's okay for you, and it's okay for me.
00:38:52No, I didn't mean...
00:38:52I mean, it's okay by me.
00:38:54No, no, I didn't mean to say bye.
00:38:55What I mean is bye-bye.
00:38:56I got to...
00:38:57Balthasar!
00:38:58Balthasar!
00:39:00Did I hear you say you were leaving?
00:39:24Well, look, it's nothing personal.
00:39:28It's like I was telling the young lady upstairs.
00:39:29See, back home I have this little girlfriend.
00:39:31Oh, a girlfriend.
00:39:33How cute.
00:39:35Yo, listen, I really had a fun time here, and I really appreciate everything you've done,
00:39:38but I...
00:39:38You must stay.
00:39:42Look, lady, let's not get our feathers rubled here.
00:39:43I don't mean any disrespect, but I...
00:39:45You must stay.
00:39:47Well, perhaps I could come back a little later, maybe, and...
00:39:50Stay.
00:39:52I must stay.
00:39:54Stay.
00:39:55Stay.
00:39:55Oh.
00:39:55Oh.
00:40:00Oh.
00:40:08Oh.
00:40:09Oh.
00:40:11Oh.
00:40:12Oh.
00:40:13Oh.
00:40:14Oh.
00:40:15That was fantastic.
00:40:17Oh.
00:40:17Did you like it?
00:40:20Like it?
00:40:20At one point, I thought we were going to have to call the fire department.
00:40:24Maybe next time we can try something a little more different.
00:40:29I didn't think there was anything left.
00:40:33Oh, I don't know.
00:40:34Maybe we could try something with a little more bite in it.
00:40:40Yeah?
00:40:41Like what?
00:40:45No!
00:40:46No!
00:40:47No!
00:40:47No!
00:40:49Yes!
00:40:50Yes!
00:40:52Yes!
00:40:54Oh, yes!
00:40:56Oh, yes!
00:40:59Yes!
00:41:00Yes!
00:41:01Yes!
00:41:02Boy, it sounds like they're really having a good time up there, doesn't it?
00:41:07We can have an even better time.
00:41:09Look, I thought I explained this to you.
00:41:11See, I got this little girl back home.
00:41:15Boy, you really mean business, don't you?
00:41:17Look, I gotta tell you, I'm from a small town in the Midwest.
00:41:19This big city stuff is all new to me.
00:41:21I can help you adapt.
00:41:23No, look, seriously, I really gotta be moving along.
00:41:26See, I'll write you later.
00:41:28I promise.
00:41:29I'll send you a letter.
00:41:29I'll send you a letter.
00:41:39I'm sorry.
00:41:43He was too skinny anyway.
00:41:46He'll be back.
00:41:47I wonder where the heck those guys are.
00:42:02Hey, maybe that's them.
00:42:05Maid service.
00:42:06Come to clean your room.
00:42:07Look, I'm not quite ready for you now.
00:42:08Can you come back in a few minutes?
00:42:10This isn't gonna be a habit with you, is it?
00:42:12No, ma'am.
00:42:13I've got a schedule to keep, you know.
00:42:15I've got 27 rooms to take care of.
00:42:17This isn't gonna be a habit with you, is it?
00:42:19Look, lady, if you just come back in a few minutes,
00:42:20I'll be all ready for you.
00:42:21Yeah, hello.
00:42:42My name is Kyle, and I...
00:42:43Oh, great.
00:42:44An answering service.
00:42:45Yeah, hi.
00:42:46My name is Kyle Carpenter, and I called this number last night.
00:42:49And see, a couple of my buddies came by there last night for a session, see,
00:42:52and they haven't shown up yet.
00:42:53And I was wondering if they came back there.
00:42:55Or when you do see them, could you call me back so I'll know
00:42:57so I can get in touch with them, okay?
00:42:58Yeah.
00:42:59My number's 555-1377, room 312.
00:43:04And if you could call me back, that'll be great.
00:43:07And yeah, it's 10 o'clock, 10.30 a.m. Tuesday.
00:43:11All right?
00:43:12Thanks.
00:43:12Thanks.
00:43:19Hello?
00:43:24Yes, yes, this is Kyle Carpenter.
00:43:26Hold.
00:43:27Okay.
00:43:30Maid service.
00:43:31Come to clean the room.
00:43:33You still here?
00:43:35Well, yes, I...
00:43:36I've already rearranged my schedule once.
00:43:38No, no, I know.
00:43:39I really appreciate it, but...
00:43:40Hello?
00:43:41Yeah, great.
00:43:41Look, I'm glad you got my message.
00:43:43What message?
00:43:44No, no, no.
00:43:44Please wait.
00:43:45No, no, not you.
00:43:46Look, I need to find out if my friends are at your place.
00:43:48This isn't going to be a habit.
00:43:50No, no, no, not you.
00:43:52Yes, yes, we all did come in early.
00:43:54Since when?
00:43:55Since last night.
00:43:58No, no, I'm not there.
00:43:59Now I'm here.
00:44:00I'll vouch for that.
00:44:01What do you mean you have no record of the call?
00:44:04Or the session?
00:44:05What, is this 555 wet?
00:44:07You can clean your own sheets.
00:44:09Yeah, but we were there.
00:44:10Three of us.
00:44:11It's a mansion-type place.
00:44:12The girl I was with was named Christina.
00:44:15Wait, I was...
00:44:18All right, you guys want to act paranoid, go right ahead.
00:44:22I was there, I know.
00:44:23I'm just going to have to retrace my steps.
00:44:25Okay, lady, you can have the room.
00:44:27It's all yours.
00:44:28I'm off duty now.
00:44:29I'm off duty now.
00:44:30Okay.
00:44:30All right, you guys.
00:44:33Thank you, everyone.
00:44:35You may be here to the room.
00:44:40You may be here to a room.
00:44:41Have a room.
00:44:42With a room.
00:44:44And before you go here, I can.
00:44:47You may be here to the room.
00:44:48And you go there to the room.
00:44:49It's all yours.
00:44:50You may have the room.
00:44:51I can see you.
00:44:52So let's do it.
00:44:53Let's do it.
00:44:54No, rules.
00:44:55What?
00:44:55I can see you.
00:44:57I can see you.
00:44:57It's all yours.
00:44:58So let's do it.
00:44:58But I can see you.
00:44:58may i help you sir hi remember me i can't say as i do sir it's me kyle kyle carpenter i was here
00:45:19last night with my two friends i'm not certain i know what you're talking about sir but but what
00:45:25about those two girls and the tall lady oh madam madam's vacationing in ibiza sir the house is not
00:45:32occupied except for myself and a few other servants oh i get it shorty you're starting up a little
00:45:39racket of your own huh while the cats away the mice will play trying to make a little de niro for
00:45:43yourself eh pardon me sir look all i ask is a minute just give me a minute maybe i'm totally
00:45:51mixed up but can i just have a little look around here very very well sir if it will satisfy you
00:45:57hey what kind of a gag is this what's going on around here
00:46:13as i said the house is not occupied yeah but it was last night
00:46:21hey you mind if i have a look upstairs i'd rather you didn't sir
00:46:26aha so there is something going on upstairs i'll be back in a flash
00:46:30you don't want me to check upstairs so that's just what i'm gonna do
00:46:36just how stupid do you think i am
00:46:38christina christina
00:46:49hey what's going on around here
00:46:54madam's little girl
00:46:58the room's been kept this way ever since she
00:47:02passed over passed away
00:47:06yeah it's quiet
00:47:07listen this is the same room i was in last night but it's not the same room i was in last night
00:47:12i sure don't know what's going on around here
00:47:15at the moment all is at rest
00:47:17listen are you sure you don't remember me and my pals
00:47:21i'm afraid not sir
00:47:24yeah well you're gonna remember us because i'm gonna go get the cops
00:47:26muy pronto
00:47:27oh oh oh oh oh that's smart
00:47:55yeah fill this out
00:47:57Then what?
00:47:59Then you wait 24 hours.
00:48:0124 hours? What are you talking about?
00:48:03I'm not taking a blood test here. I'm trying to find my friends.
00:48:05It's a procedure.
00:48:07You see, we can't act on a missing person's report for 24 hours till after it's made.
00:48:13Besides, your buddies are probably partying it up somewhere in some hot tub.
00:48:17They'll come back on their own.
00:48:19They wouldn't do that to me, Sarge.
00:48:22Look, can't you at least follow up on that call-go operation?
00:48:26That's vice. I'm missing persons.
00:48:29Besides, we'd have to have grounds, catch them in the act.
00:48:32Otherwise, it's called harassment.
00:48:34Yeah, but I went back to the mansion.
00:48:36Were your buddies there?
00:48:37No, they disappeared and everything was changed around. It was all different.
00:48:41There you go. Slippery little minx, aren't they?
00:48:44Look, I don't know the exact address, but I know it's somewhere out on Berman Drive.
00:48:48Berman Drive? That's Beverly Hills. This is Hollywood. Out of our jurisdiction.
00:48:53Oh, yeah? Well, I'll go to the Beverly Hills cops then.
00:48:56Yeah? Well, let me tell you something.
00:48:59Beverly Hills cops are real protective of the residents.
00:49:03And they're especially touchy about people coming from out of town.
00:49:07Oh, swell.
00:49:09Don't worry, kid. They'll show up sooner or later safe and sound.
00:49:13Think positive.
00:49:15No. Get out of my office.
00:49:26You went where?
00:49:28Look, Molly, relax. Nothing happened.
00:49:30And besides, it wasn't my idea anyway. It was just something to do, that's all.
00:49:33That's a fine something to do.
00:49:36Look, if you're gonna be that way, I better just hang up on you.
00:49:38You get a maid here at the hotel, they can give me that kind of grief.
00:49:41A maid?
00:49:42Oh, will you stop? Now, come on. This is serious.
00:49:45No, the only reason I called you is because I couldn't think of what to do next.
00:49:48Well, did you try going back to that place?
00:49:54Yeah, but it's all different somehow.
00:49:57This guy says he doesn't remember me or the other guys.
00:50:00And it doesn't look like the police are gonna be too much help either.
00:50:03Well, maybe the guys will show up.
00:50:07Maybe.
00:50:09Yeah, too much of this is too weird.
00:50:11I just have a bad feeling about this and it's getting worse all the time.
00:50:14Well, don't you know anybody out there who can help you?
00:50:17Hey, wait a minute. Aaron Pendleton. Brock's uncle.
00:50:21Of course. How can I be so stupid? What an idiot I am.
00:50:23Hey, Molly, I gotta run. I love you. I'll call you back later. Bye.
00:50:26But, Kyle?
00:50:29Kyle? Kyle?
00:50:36What would you do?
00:50:59You wanna go to Hollywood?
00:51:01Is Mr. Pendleton in?
00:51:06Yes, but he's in a very important casting meeting right now.
00:51:11Ah, casting's schmasting. I got no time for formalities.
00:51:15But you can't go in there. He'll kill you.
00:51:17Very nice reading, Miss Smith.
00:51:20Now, see here, young man. You can't just come barging in here like this. Do you remember me?
00:51:25Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yesterday. Well, I'm sorry, young man. You can't just come barging in here like this.
00:51:32Do you remember me? Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, yesterday. Well, I'm sorry, my reader hasn't gotten to your script just yet.
00:51:39Yeah, I can see that. Well, I mean, we're gonna be shooting motorcycle sluts in two more days.
00:51:44Mr. Pendleton. Brock is missing. Brock? Your nephew. Oh, Brock. Yeah, and Russell, the other guy I came in with?
00:51:48Missing, huh? Yeah, they disappeared. It's a long story.
00:51:51Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, yesterday.
00:51:54Well, I'm sorry, my reader hasn't gotten to your script just yet.
00:51:57Yeah, I can see that.
00:51:58Well, I mean, we're gonna be shooting motorcycle sluts in two more days.
00:52:02Mr. Pendleton, Brock is missing.
00:52:04Brock?
00:52:05Your nephew?
00:52:06Oh, Brock.
00:52:08Yeah, and Russell, the other guy I came in with?
00:52:10Missing, huh?
00:52:11Yeah, they disappeared. It's a long story.
00:52:14You see, we were kinda lonesome one night, and we bought one of these sex newspapers, see,
00:52:17and we were reading through it, and it more or less kinda...
00:52:19Boys, boys, boys, why didn't you tell me you wanted a little entertainment?
00:52:23You could've called me. I could've fixed you up.
00:52:25Well, I guess we weren't thinking too clearly.
00:52:27Oh, I know, I know. Little head doing the thinking for the big head, right?
00:52:31Ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:52:33Well, you see, the three of us went up to this mansion, see, way up there,
00:52:36and we met these three beautiful women, and then I kinda left.
00:52:39I chickened out, see, but those two guys stayed up there.
00:52:41Then I went back to look for them, and they were gone,
00:52:43and the people at the mansion won't help me, and I don't know how to get in touch with them.
00:52:46Well, they probably just extended the party, you know.
00:52:48They're probably out there somewhere now just enjoying a hot tub.
00:52:53Hot tubs? What is it with you people in your hot tubs?
00:52:55Listen, I know these guys. They wouldn't disappear on me like this.
00:52:57We had things planned for a day. We were all set.
00:53:00Well, did you think of calling the police?
00:53:03Police? Yeah, fat lot of help they are.
00:53:05You know, you can't do anything for 24 hours after you file a missing persons report.
00:53:08There's no way... Hey, wait a minute.
00:53:11Mr. Pendleton, I'm a nobody out here, but you, you're a big important Hollywood producer.
00:53:16Maybe you could use some of your influence and clout to help me out with the police.
00:53:20Police? No.
00:53:21No, I don't think we want to call the police.
00:53:24Don't want to, you know, call in too many favors all at once, you know.
00:53:27No, no, I think that we need to find another plan.
00:53:30Actually, I'll tell you the truth.
00:53:32I think that you may be just overreacting just a little.
00:53:35Overreacting? How can you say that?
00:53:40Call it intuition.
00:53:43What the hell's wrong with her?
00:53:46Oh.
00:53:48Brock! Are you okay?
00:53:50Fine. Actually, I'm not feeling so fine.
00:53:53You don't look too good, sport.
00:53:55Hi, Uncle Aaron. Listen, I hope you don't mind.
00:53:57Stopped by the hotel. The guys weren't there, so thought I'd come by to see you.
00:54:00I'm not feeling so well.
00:54:03What happened to you guys?
00:54:04Well, you know how it was. You were there.
00:54:06We got the sexual thing going, the physical thing,
00:54:09and all of a sudden, blacked out.
00:54:10Don't remember much after that.
00:54:12You look terrible.
00:54:13Thanks.
00:54:14You're so pale.
00:54:15Feel pale.
00:54:17Well, you know, it looks like you have no temperature.
00:54:21In fact, you're kind of clammy.
00:54:22Clammy?
00:54:23Uh-oh. Hold on. What is this right here?
00:54:26Look at that. That's real blood.
00:54:29Well, you know how it is.
00:54:30Well, you're hurt now.
00:54:31Girls kind of get carried away and all.
00:54:32Definitely hurt.
00:54:33Excuse me.
00:54:36Sorry.
00:54:37I had a little carried away myself.
00:54:39Do you know how we can get a raw steak around here, guys?
00:54:42Hey, you got one of them, uh, what do you call it? Compact?
00:54:54Your makeup's fine, honey.
00:54:56It's not for me. It's for my friend, Brock.
00:54:58Oh, in that case.
00:55:09Here you go.
00:55:11Thanks, baby.
00:55:12No problem.
00:55:17Pale, clammy.
00:55:19The bite marks in the neck.
00:55:21And no reflection in the mirror.
00:55:23Ow.
00:55:24Sorry.
00:55:25Brock, I hate to break the news to you, but I think you're a vampire.
00:55:28You think I'm a what?
00:55:29Those women.
00:55:30The only ones available at night.
00:55:32The call girl service.
00:55:34The mysterious instructions.
00:55:35What a perfect setup.
00:55:36I think the one you were with bit you in the neck and you became a vampire.
00:55:40You know, I hate it when that happens.
00:55:42No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You guys trying to pull a fast one on the old AP, huh?
00:55:49Is this your way of trying to get me to read that script of yours?
00:55:52No, sir. I'm deadly serious. And to be perfectly frank, I'm very scared.
00:55:57Well, how come if he's a vampire, he's still walking around in broad daylight, huh?
00:56:02I mean, aren't they supposed to shrivel up and die or something? Answer that one for me, smart guy.
00:56:07Well, I don't know. He just got bit last night. Maybe it hasn't taken full effect yet.
00:56:11Maybe he's just an apprentice vampire.
00:56:14You know, my parents said I'd never amount to anything. Look at this.
00:56:19What do we do now, Pendleton?
00:56:21Well, I might know somebody who can help us.
00:56:25Who's that?
00:56:26A priest.
00:56:27A priest?
00:56:28Yeah. Yeah. He was technical consultant on a movie I made called Teenage Exorcist.
00:56:34Now, if anybody knows anything about vampires, he's the man.
00:56:38Sherry!
00:56:41Yes, sir?
00:56:42Listen, sweetheart. I want you to keep an eye on our friend Brock here, all right?
00:56:47Don't worry. He won't bite.
00:56:49Let me rephrase that.
00:56:51I just want to know that someone will be here to take care of him if he wants anything.
00:56:55You know, I mean a drink. You have water or something.
00:56:59He's pretty weak. You'll be okay.
00:57:01Anything you say, Mr. Pendleton.
00:57:04All right. Let's go, pal. Yeah.
00:57:08Well, don't take any wooden stakes.
00:57:11I love this kid.
00:57:16Can I get you anything?
00:57:18Kyle?
00:57:19Kyle?
00:57:20Brock?
00:57:21Anybody?
00:57:23Why is she?
00:57:24This is so funny.
00:57:25Why did you do that?
00:57:26I don't know.
00:57:27Why are you?
00:57:28Why do you do that?
00:57:29I don't know.
00:57:30You're not.
00:57:31Why are you?
00:57:32I don't know.
00:57:33Kyle?
00:57:34Kyle?
00:57:35Kyle?
00:57:36Brock?
00:57:37Anybody?
00:57:38Kyle? Brock? Anybody?
00:57:48Spectacular action pictures.
00:58:08Oh, yeah.
00:58:37Oh, Aaron, how good to see you.
00:58:39Please be seated.
00:58:43Well, now, are you here for some more advice
00:58:45about fighting Satan?
00:58:47Begone, Satan!
00:58:50Uh, well, actually, I don't think that we're, uh,
00:58:52casting as Satan on this show.
00:58:54We were thinking more in terms of a, uh, vampire.
00:58:58Hmm.
00:58:59Wrong reading, eh?
00:59:02Begone, Count Yorga!
00:59:05Is that better?
00:59:06Yeah.
00:59:07Uh, but I don't think we're gonna be able to go for a Count Yorga either.
00:59:10What we really had in mind was more the, um,
00:59:13the garden-variety kind of vampire.
00:59:16Have you got a script yet, or what?
00:59:19Look, to tell you the truth, uh, Father, it's not really a movie.
00:59:25My young friend here thinks that he saw a real vampire.
00:59:30What do you mean, my young friend here?
00:59:32You saw it. Brock, you saw what happened.
00:59:34Who's Brock?
00:59:35He's my friend. He's the one the vampire's got.
00:59:38Oh, really?
00:59:39I'm telling you the truth, Father. I saw this guy.
00:59:41He's got two big holes in his neck. He's real pale.
00:59:43He's walking around in a stoopter.
00:59:45He looks like all the blood's been drained out of his body.
00:59:47And then we saw him bend over and lap blood up off the ground.
00:59:49Go ahead, tell him, Pendleton. Tell him!
00:59:51Well, yeah, really, right there.
00:59:53I'm surprised at you, Aaron.
00:59:55With all the films you've made with disgusting, stomach-churning, vomit-inducing makeup effects,
01:00:01you're trying to tell me you actually saw two real vampire bites.
01:00:05I wasn't reborn yesterday, you know.
01:00:08Yeah, I guess you're right. Come on, we were a little hasty.
01:00:11Hasty? What do you mean hasty? We're talking about Brock here.
01:00:14This is my pal. It's your nephew.
01:00:16The next thing you're going to tell me is that he cast no reflection in the mirror.
01:00:21That's exactly right, Father. There was no reflection in the mirror. I tested it.
01:00:24You saw this?
01:00:26Yeah.
01:00:27No.
01:00:28Well, no.
01:00:29Well, yes, but no.
01:00:30No, not exactly.
01:00:31I didn't see a reflection in the mirror, no.
01:00:34I saw the mirror there. There was a table, there was a chair, but no Brock.
01:00:39When did your friend become afflicted?
01:00:43Since last night.
01:00:45Well, then, the first 24 hours are nearly up. He's close to achieving full power.
01:00:52So you do believe me, right, Father?
01:00:54When you've encountered as many demons from hell as I have, you learn to take it seriously.
01:01:00Wow. You've actually fought the demons from hell? The vampires?
01:01:04Well, a vampire by any other name. Oh, they come in various forms, you know.
01:01:10There's mass murdering, religious cults, heavy metal bands, acupuncturists, television evangelists.
01:01:21Wow. No kidding.
01:01:25You'd be surprised. I once encountered a vampire who disguised himself as an IRS agent.
01:01:31Of course, nobody would believe that he was really a blood-sucking leech.
01:01:36So what do we do now, Father?
01:01:38Well, first you have to arm yourself with the proper weapons.
01:01:41You need, uh, sharp-pointed wooden stakes, crosses.
01:01:45I'll give you some holy water before you leave.
01:01:48Uh-huh. And what then?
01:01:50Now, your friend Brock, is he safe?
01:01:52Yeah, I guess so.
01:01:53As safe as anybody can be with my secretary.
01:01:56Well, nothing will occur to her. So he'll be safe there.
01:02:00Now, I suggest that you return to their lair, to the place where you first encountered them.
01:02:06That's the mansion.
01:02:07Exactly. Now, if you can find the head vampire...
01:02:11That's that tall lady I was telling you about.
01:02:14The woman? Oh, dear. They're the worst kind.
01:02:18Why is that, Father?
01:02:20Who do you think created feminism, dear boy?
01:02:23So what happens then?
01:02:25Well, when you meet this head vampire, the top dog, the big cheese, the super suck, as it were...
01:02:32Yeah, we, we, we, we get the point.
01:02:35Well, if you can confront that one, if you can dispatch it from this land of the living to the eternal damnation of the living dead, the rest will be a piece of cake.
01:02:46What about Brock?
01:02:47Oh, well, that's the idea. Then if you can confront this lady vampire in time, perhaps the spell will be broken.
01:02:54Then your friend will be left with nothing but a monstrous hickey.
01:02:58Russell!
01:02:59Where?
01:03:00I don't know. He's still at the mansion. I don't know what kind of condition he'll be in.
01:03:03Well, since one of your friends got away, the other one will probably be under double protection.
01:03:09Of course, if they're still feeding on him, it may be too late.
01:03:15Oh, Father, you mean I might have to...
01:03:18Exactly.
01:03:19But remember, my son, a man hath no greater friend than one who's willing to jam a wooden stake through his heart.
01:03:27Really.
01:03:28I'll try and remember that, Father.
01:03:31Yeah. Well, we'd better get going.
01:03:33Oh, Ellen, before you leave, I've finished another script.
01:03:38Oh, great.
01:03:39Yes, I want you to finish every page of it.
01:03:42It's time for your bath, Father.
01:03:46Oh, God bless you, my child.
01:04:03Yes?
01:04:05It is I, Belfazar.
01:04:08Enter.
01:04:19The chief of police called to ask of the whereabouts of his men.
01:04:24Oh, little Sammy. He misses his Madame Cassandra.
01:04:29Yes, ma'am.
01:04:31Have you scheduled him in for tonight?
01:04:34Yes, ma'am.
01:04:36You're having him for dinner.
01:04:39Mmm, good.
01:04:42Then maybe we'll settle our business once and for all between me and the Beverly Hills cops.
01:04:50Very good, madam.
01:05:01Hello?
01:05:10Hello?
01:05:13Is anybody here?
01:05:15Kyle?
01:05:16Kyle?
01:05:26Kyle?
01:05:30Hello?
01:05:43Molly!
01:05:44Oh, Brock!
01:05:45You scared the hell out of me!
01:05:46What are you doing here?
01:05:47Kyle called?
01:05:48You had disappeared or something?
01:05:49Don't worry about it.
01:05:50It was nothing.
01:05:51What happened to your teeth?
01:05:53Oh, these.
01:05:54Busted on a piece of corn.
01:05:56Temporary caps.
01:05:57Didn't have my size.
01:05:58I'll get them filed when I get home.
01:06:00Brock, look!
01:06:01Ah, special effects.
01:06:03You know, we're shooting a horror film here.
01:06:06Sherry!
01:06:07Yeah.
01:06:08She's good, huh?
01:06:09You know, Kyle's gonna be really happy to see you.
01:06:11I've been so worried.
01:06:12You know, I have too.
01:06:15It's dark out already.
01:06:16It's all right, it's all right.
01:06:17We're almost there.
01:06:18We're almost there.
01:06:19Oh.
01:06:20The forces of evil are no match for the power of good.
01:06:21Huh.
01:06:22Hey, wait a minute.
01:06:23Yeah, I think I paid good money for that line once.
01:06:24What?
01:06:25What?
01:06:26What?
01:06:27What?
01:06:28What?
01:06:29What?
01:06:30What?
01:06:31The forces of evil are no match for the power of good.
01:06:33Huh.
01:06:34What?
01:06:35Huh.
01:06:36Hey, wait a minute.
01:06:37Yeah, I think I paid good money for that line once.
01:06:41What's going on here?
01:06:42Hey, and you guys see my camera?
01:06:43What?
01:06:44What?
01:06:45What's going on here?
01:06:48Hey, and you guys see my camera?
01:06:49What?
01:06:50What's going on here?
01:07:04Hey, and you guys see my camera?
01:07:16Hey! Oh my God! Hey!
01:07:18Ow! Hey!
01:07:20Oh, wait, wait!
01:07:21Ow! Ow!
01:07:22Ah!
01:07:24Ah!
01:07:30We drink and be merry.
01:07:34Save some for me.
01:07:36Ow! Ah!
01:07:38Ah!
01:07:40Ah!
01:07:46Checklist ready?
01:07:50Oh, um...
01:07:52Yeah, shoot.
01:07:54Crucifix?
01:07:56Crucifix, uh...
01:07:58Yeah, check.
01:08:00Wow!
01:08:02What'd you...
01:08:04Sharpen wooden stake?
01:08:06Yeah, right here.
01:08:08Check.
01:08:10Holy water?
01:08:12Holy...
01:08:13Yeah, check.
01:08:15Okay, then. We're all set.
01:08:17Yeah, now just let some ancient vampire hooker try and pull a fast one on us, huh?
01:08:22Yeah, that's towing them.
01:08:34What are we gonna do?
01:08:35Kick butt!
01:08:36What kind of butt?
01:08:37Vampire butt!
01:08:38I can't hear you!
01:08:39Vampire butt!
01:08:40I can't hear you!
01:08:41Vampire butt!
01:08:42Shut up! They'll hear you!
01:08:43Ooh!
01:08:44All right, fine.
01:08:45Go and get them, tiger!
01:08:46Mmm!
01:08:55Give me the holy water.
01:08:57Yeah.
01:08:58You got it.
01:08:59Shrivel up and die, vermin from hell!
01:09:11Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!
01:09:14What'd I do wrong, Pendleton?
01:09:16Maybe he's not a real vampire.
01:09:18Hey, are you a real vampire?
01:09:20Only on Saturday nights.
01:09:21Out of the way, guardian in the underworld.
01:09:22That's telling him.
01:09:23Boys, boys, really?
01:09:24All right, where are they?
01:09:25Who?
01:09:26The hell-born fiends of the night.
01:09:27Who?
01:09:28The daughters of darkness.
01:09:29I got a good one.
01:09:30The soulless denizens from the pits of oblivion.
01:09:31Top that one.
01:09:32The undead bloodsuckers from the realms of corruption.
01:09:33You win.
01:09:34Well, thank you.
01:09:35Oh, them!
01:09:36Oh, out!
01:09:37Out!
01:09:38Out!
01:09:39Out!
01:09:40Yeah, out!
01:09:41And, God knows when they'll be back.
01:09:42They never think to telephone or anything.
01:09:44Pits of Oblivion. Top that one.
01:09:45The undead bloodsuckers from the realms of corruption.
01:09:48You win.
01:09:50Oh, them!
01:09:51Oh, out! Out. Out.
01:09:53Out.
01:09:54Out.
01:09:55And God knows when they'll be back.
01:09:58They never think to telephone of anything.
01:10:01Listen, Shorty, I've had just about enough out of you.
01:10:04Oh, really?
01:10:06Pendleton, can you do something with this guy?
01:10:08What do you have in mind?
01:10:10Use your imagination, sailor.
01:10:13Okay.
01:10:14Oh, that really was a pistol in your pocket.
01:10:21Where'd you get that?
01:10:22Prop department.
01:10:23I usually do my last flick.
01:10:25Hollywood chainsaw hookers.
01:10:26Look, it has silver bullets in it.
01:10:28Isn't that for werewolves?
01:10:29Yeah, but you never know.
01:10:30They might have pets.
01:10:31Besides, a speeding bullet has no conscience.
01:10:35How profound!
01:10:37Oh, that's early Superman, isn't it?
01:10:39What are you gonna do with him?
01:10:42Ah.
01:10:43Come on, get in there.
01:10:51I spent years trying to get out of the closet.
01:10:53There's not a straight man left.
01:10:56Now remember, you try to come out of there, and I'll fill you full of lead.
01:11:01Promises, promises!
01:11:03Back to take care of him.
01:11:05Come on, let's go find Russell.
01:11:10Listen, Carl.
01:11:12That holy water gag didn't work too well at the front door.
01:11:15Now, maybe we ought to call it Father Farrar.
01:11:17Maybe get a brush-up course on that bag of tricks you're packing, huh?
01:11:20Yeah.
01:11:20Good.
01:11:27Your time is running out, demonic banshees of the everlasting hellfire.
01:11:32Pretty good, huh, Carl?
01:11:34Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:11:38Father Farrar.
01:11:39Aaron Pendleton here.
01:11:43Well, no, actually, I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, Father.
01:11:46Well, I think you'll find it a highly inspirational and a uniquely uplifting piece that squarely addresses the moral issues of our troubled times with profound insight, imagination, and intelligence.
01:12:00It's been done.
01:12:01Not to mention a high body count, two car chases, and full frontal nudity.
01:12:11Well, now, that sounds interesting.
01:12:15Listen, Father, actually, the reason we called is to discuss that matter that my little buddy and I were talking about earlier.
01:12:20Well, we're actually in the mansion right now, you see, and I want to clarify some of the rules about kicking vampire, doing vampire business, right?
01:12:29Now, we're about to square off with the undead here, so this simple crucifix thing, are you sure that's an adequate defense against this sort of thing?
01:12:39Oh, most certainly, and a potent one at that.
01:12:44Oh, yeah, but will it work?
01:12:48But just looking at it makes them recoil in terror.
01:12:51Of course, the real trick is to make it come in contact with the flesh.
01:12:55Yes, that way they know you really be in business.
01:12:57Of course, if with a female, it works exceptionally well if you can just manage to slide it in between her bosoms and leave it there.
01:13:08Hmm.
01:13:09And the holy water.
01:13:12Oh, just a few drops is enough.
01:13:14But aim for her face.
01:13:16Yeah.
01:13:17Now, listen, about this stake in the heart routine, I mean, we don't have a hammer or anything.
01:13:23I mean, what do we do when we actually come up against one of these chicks?
01:13:26Well, just give it a good, solid thrust.
01:13:29Yes, put all your weight behind it.
01:13:32What if you may have to hold her down?
01:13:35Now, do we have to really use a sharpened stake or can we improvise?
01:13:40Well, in case of a rough situation, you may want to experiment with something that's long enough and hard enough to cause sufficient penetration.
01:13:50Providing you can ram it home with full force.
01:13:53Now, how deep does it really have to puncture to be lethal?
01:13:59Well, eight inches should satisfy.
01:14:00But remember, no matter how much she begs or screams, don't pull it out until she's completely disintegrated.
01:14:09Well, thanks, Father.
01:14:10Hey, will do lunch.
01:14:13May the Lord be with you, my son.
01:14:15Yes.
01:14:18It's time for your hot tub now, Father.
01:14:20Well, it looks like there's nobody here.
01:14:40Oh.
01:14:41Ah!
01:14:44Fire on me, minion of evil!
01:14:46Oh!
01:15:03Hey, kid, what'd you do to her?
01:15:05She's bleeding guacamole.
01:15:06Eat Crucifix, bitch!
01:15:23Wow!
01:15:25Thanks for all your help, Pendleton.
01:15:28I just wanted to see how you handled yourself, kid.
01:15:30Ah.
01:15:31That sounds like Russell.
01:15:35Come on, yellow belly.
01:15:36Let's go find him.
01:15:36Wait a minute.
01:15:37It might be some of those babes with terminal overbite.
01:15:39We're gonna have to locate the boss vampire if you want to save Brock.
01:15:42I've been thinking about that.
01:15:43Tell me something.
01:15:44How much do you really like Brock?
01:15:47Ah, come on.
01:15:55It's awful quiet in here.
01:15:57Maybe they left already.
01:15:58Oh, yeah.
01:15:59I think the worst is behind us now.
01:16:07Hey.
01:16:08Why don't you come with me if you want to, Mojo?
01:16:15I always wondered who you're gonna get off this movie.
01:16:18Then again, maybe they're still here.
01:16:29That's okay, because I'm ready for them.
01:16:43Oh, little boy.
01:16:44Hey.
01:16:48Don't be afraid.
01:16:52I'm not going to hurt you.
01:16:57I just want to bite your neck and drink your vital juices and make you my sex slave for all eternity.
01:17:09Hey, hey.
01:17:10Be careful.
01:17:11You're muscling up my hair.
01:17:13But I can make you feel like you've never felt before.
01:17:20Oh, I felt that before.
01:17:24Is that a stake in your pocket?
01:17:28Or are you just glad to see me?
01:17:30Ha-ha, it's a stake.
01:17:32Now die, bitch.
01:17:41My.
01:17:43That's a big one.
01:17:44Ah!
01:17:45Boy, what a waste.
01:17:58Russell, you poor little schnuck.
01:18:14Hey, look.
01:18:14I know what you're thinking.
01:18:16But it's not so bad.
01:18:17I mean, there are a lot of fringe benefits here, if you know what I mean.
01:18:20Stay back.
01:18:21I thought I was your friend.
01:18:23I mean, we go way back.
01:18:25Am I right?
01:18:26I mean, why not continue for centuries?
01:18:29I don't think so.
01:18:30We could be blood brothers.
01:18:32I'd rather just keep it casual.
01:18:35Ha.
01:18:36All you need is a little persuading, huh?
01:18:38Oh.
01:18:39Ah!
01:18:41Ah!
01:18:41Ah!
01:18:42Ah!
01:18:42Ah!
01:18:43And I lent you my roller skates.
01:18:46Oh, gee, Russell.
01:18:47I feel bad enough already.
01:18:48It's me.
01:18:58OK.
01:18:59Who's next?
01:19:03I'm locked in the closet here.
01:19:04And outside in the house, there's violence and death and bloodshed and horror.
01:19:12Rats, and I'm missing it all.
01:19:18What the hell is going on here?
01:19:22Can't you see I'm entertaining?
01:19:25I came then, your reign of terror once and for all.
01:19:28And I'd like to get my friend's gold card back, too, if that's OK.
01:19:30I know you, young man.
01:19:35You're the one that couldn't quite make it the other night.
01:19:39I already explained that to you.
01:19:41I got this girlfriend back home.
01:19:42I am so sick and tired of hearing about that little bitch.
01:19:47You resisted my affection last time.
01:19:49But now, you will belong to me.
01:20:06You don't impress me.
01:20:10Well, I'll have to just try harder.
01:20:14Ah, I figured you'd try something like this.
01:20:35Oh, no!
01:20:44I'll be right back.
01:20:45Oh, God!
01:21:05You're going to pay for this kid?
01:21:27Oh, yeah? You're the one that's going to pay.
01:21:30I'm going to grind you into a hamburger.
01:21:33Here you go, lady. Have some Pope Soda.
01:21:35Hey, this stuff is great.
01:22:03Kyle.
01:22:03Kyle?
01:22:07Kyle?
01:22:08Kyle, come on out.
01:22:10Are you here?
01:22:11Hey, Kyle.
01:22:16Molly, Brock.
01:22:19Molly, what are you doing here?
01:22:20I flew out after your last call. I was so worried. Are you all right?
01:22:25I'm fine. Brock, buddy, how you doing?
01:22:28I feel fantastic.
01:22:29All good. Father Ferraro told me if I kill the boss vampire, everything will be okay.
01:22:33Who's Father Ferraro?
01:22:34I'll take you out to breakfast. I'll explain everything to you there. Come on, let's go.
01:22:38Come on, let's go.
01:22:46Let's get him.
01:22:47Let's get him.
01:22:58Who would have thought I'd get the last shot in this movie?
01:23:01Who would have thought I'd get the last shot in this movie?
01:23:31This is a chat.
01:23:40You come on?
01:23:44Let's get this home.
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