- 6/11/2025
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00Hey ya Bob!
00:15When the boo of the boo
00:18Of the boo boo boo boo of the boo boo
00:20Alright, alright, alright, alright, all right, a right, Castello
00:22Castello, Castello, Castello
00:24Castello
00:26Oh, please, please, please
00:29What's the idyllis noise?
00:30What do you think you're doing?
00:31Abbott, this is a great moment in history.
00:33What do you mean?
00:33You are listening to the new Bing Crosby.
00:35The new Bing Crosby?
00:36The new Bing Crosby.
00:37You dummy, do you realize that Crosby is famous all over the world as the groaner?
00:41I'm going to be famous all over the world, too.
00:43As the groaner?
00:43No, as the squealer.
00:45No.
00:46When the balloon...
00:47All right, all right.
00:48Yeah, yeah, Castello, please.
00:50All right, look, look, look, look.
00:51Will you cut that out?
00:52You'll never be able to sing like Crosby.
00:55His voice is unique.
00:56The doctor's found a wart on his vocal cord.
00:58So what?
00:59What do I care about a wart on his vocal cord?
01:01Look in my mouth, Abbott.
01:03Hey, what's that blue jade plaster doing in your throat?
01:07I got a bunion on my windpipe.
01:10Now, cut out that silly talk.
01:11You can't go around imitating Bing Crosby.
01:13People will say you're a mimic.
01:15A mimic?
01:15Yeah.
01:16No, they won't.
01:17I got as much blood as anybody.
01:18No, no, no, no.
01:19Never mind that, Castello.
01:20You still haven't told me why you came in here singing like Bing Crosby.
01:23Because I want to do a high-close...
01:25High-close?
01:25High-class.
01:26High-class, not high-close.
01:27That's wrong English.
01:28Well, it's got to be...
01:28I want to do a high-class...
01:29That's a bum reading, so what about it?
01:30All right.
01:31I want to do a...
01:31Can I help it?
01:32All right.
01:34Say what you want to say.
01:35Because I want to do a high-class program like his.
01:38No jokes, no comedy.
01:40Nothing but music and beautiful songs.
01:42Now, don't be silly, Castello.
01:43We can't get along without laughs.
01:45We've been doing all right up till now.
01:47Now, Castello, don't talk like an idiot.
01:50You can't compete with Bing Crosby.
01:52Look at his background.
01:53Look at his background?
01:54Yes, look at it.
01:55Get a load of mine!
01:57I've got the biggest background in Hollywood.
02:00On my background, I've got 35 orange trees and a large smudge pot overlooking my barbecue pit.
02:07Castello, look, I'm talking about Crosby's musical training.
02:10Do you realize he studied opera?
02:12Why, he spent 15 years on Faust.
02:14Crosby spent 15 years on Faust?
02:16Certainly.
02:17Then you've been lying to me, Abbott.
02:18What do you mean I've been lying to you?
02:20For 15 years, you've been telling me who is on Faust and what is on second.
02:25No, no, no.
02:27No, no.
02:27Every time I say what is on second, you would say what is on Faust.
02:32Not on Faust, no, you dummy.
02:34I don't mean he was on Faust.
02:36I mean he sings Faust.
02:37He does not.
02:38He doesn't sing Faust.
02:39No, he sings very slow.
02:41Like my Uncle Artie Stebbins.
02:43No.
02:45Yeah, all right, cut that out.
02:46Look, Costello, Faust is an opera.
02:48Has anybody got an aspirin?
02:48I'm asking you, please.
02:50Faust is an opera.
02:51Do you know any operas?
02:52Yes, Abbott, I know two operas.
02:53You know two operas?
02:54Yes, Carmen and Miranda.
02:56No, no.
02:57Not Carmen Miranda.
02:59You mean the opera Carmen.
03:00Did you ever hear the third movement from Carmen?
03:03No, but I saw the fourth movement from Miranda.
03:04Na, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
03:09Costello.
03:09Cut it, Rick.
03:10Please, please.
03:10What are you trying to do, get into?
03:12Please, now don't be silly.
03:14You don't know the first thing about music.
03:15You don't even know how many kinds of notes there are.
03:18Oh, I don't.
03:19No.
03:19Yes, I do.
03:20All right.
03:20Name the different notes.
03:21Well, there's wall notes, peanuts, coconuts, cashew notes.
03:24Will you cut that out?
03:34What's up, Costello?
03:36A bar is a measure of music, and every bar gives you a full measure.
03:39Say what?
03:40Every bar gives you a full measure.
03:42Not in Hollywood, they don't.
03:46This is the home of short beer.
03:48Oh, no, no.
03:49Never mind that, Costello.
03:50In order to be a singer, you must be able to read notes.
03:53Freddie Rich, please, hand me a sheet of music.
03:56Thank you very much.
03:57Yeah, thanks.
03:57Now, Costello, tell me.
03:59What do you see on that piece of paper there?
04:01I see a bunch of flies sitting on a fence.
04:03No.
04:04And some of them have tails.
04:08No, no.
04:10Look like the tails are broken off.
04:11No, no, no, no, no.
04:12Those aren't flies.
04:14Those are notes.
04:15Freddie Rich wrote this music.
04:17Did he write it in bars?
04:19Certainly.
04:20Freddie wrote this song in 32 bars.
04:23In 32 bars?
04:24That's right.
04:24No wonder his music is so staggering.
04:27No, no.
04:28Now, Costello, Costello, please.
04:30He should know better than to write music in bars.
04:32What do you mean?
04:33Why don't he do his cutting up at home like other musicians?
04:35Now, just a minute, Costello.
04:36Freddie Rich is a great songwriter.
04:38I was with Freddie last night when he wrote a song in Four Flats.
04:42In Four Flats?
04:42Certainly.
04:43You guys sure get around, don't you?
04:46No, no, no, you idiot.
04:47Four Flats is the key the song was written in.
04:50Freddie used the key of Four Flats.
04:51Freddie Rich has the key of Four Flats?
04:53That's right.
04:53Does his wife know about this?
04:56Look, Costello, when I say Freddie wrote a song in Four Flats, I don't mean the kind
05:00of flats you live in.
05:01I mean the kind of flats you play in.
05:03And the number of flats gives you the key.
05:05And Freddie's key is Four Flats or A flat.
05:08Oh, oh, oh.
05:09Now, you got it.
05:09Oh, that's a boy.
05:11You mean the flats that Freddie plays it in ain't the kind of flats he lives in?
05:15No.
05:15Of course, the key of the flats he plays in is Four Flats and the flat he lives in has
05:18nothing to do with the key of the other Four Flats.
05:20Now, you've got it.
05:21Now, I've got it.
05:22I don't even know what I'm talking about.
05:24Now, what's...
05:25My time is your time.
05:39My time is your time.
05:42Grew and watch time.
05:44Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
05:46All right, all right.
05:46Oh, Costello, will you cut that off?
05:48I'm not going to let you sing on our program.
05:50Oh, Abbott, you've got to.
05:52I'm sorry.
05:52You have to.
05:53I've always wanted to sing.
05:54Oh.
05:55Even as a little kid, I used to sing in a quartet in a fish market.
05:57A fish market quartet?
05:59Yeah, there was four of us.
06:00First tuna, second tuna, barracuda, and bass.
06:05Are you trying to tell me the fish market paid you to sing?
06:07No, we just sang for the halibut.
06:09Well, you can't sing on this program.
06:19This isn't a fish market.
06:20Oh, no?
06:20If this ain't a fish market, what are those four pickerel players doing in a band?
06:24Ah, pickerel players.
06:25That isn't pickerel.
06:26That word is piccolo.
06:27Oh, no, it ain't.
06:28Piccolo is what I had for lunch.
06:29You had piccolo for lunch?
06:30Yep.
06:30Hamburger with mustard piccolo.
06:31No, no, no, no.
06:33No, that's piccolilly.
06:34Piccolilly is a relish.
06:35That's what we've got growing in our garden.
06:37You've got relish growing in your garden?
06:38Yeah, horse relish.
06:39No, that's not relish.
06:41That's radish.
06:41Radish.
06:42Radish is what my girls got.
06:43Your girls got radish?
06:45Yeah, green eyes and radish hair.
06:46Look, please.
06:47Talk sense, Costello.
06:49This has nothing to do with your silly idea of singing on the program.
06:52Oh, wait a minute.
06:52What's the matter?
06:53I tell you, Abbott, I've got to sing.
06:54What do you mean you've got to sing?
06:55Everybody wants me to make good.
06:57Oh, I'm sorry.
06:57I've always been musically inclined.
06:59On the day I was born, my mother looked at me and said,
07:02little Louie is going to be a great musician.
07:04How could she tell?
07:05I was born with drums in my ears.
07:07All right, Costello.
07:10If you insist on singing, I might let you sing one number.
07:13But you can't sing Bing Crosby's theme song.
07:16You've got to get a song of your own.
07:17Okay, Abbott.
07:18I've got a beautiful number about a girl on a bicycle.
07:20How does it go?
07:21She pushes it with her feet.
07:22No, no, no.
07:23I don't mean that.
07:24Look, I've had enough of this nonsense.
07:25Look, Costello, if you want to sing on this program,
07:30you'll have to get a songwriter to write you a number.
07:33Now, here, come on with me, Costello.
07:34Where are we going?
07:35We're going over to Ned Blank's music company in Tin Pan Alley.
07:46Well, here we are, Costello.
07:48Well, this is the Ned Blank music company.
07:50Let's go in.
07:50Oh, wait, what's going on in Tin Pan Alley?
07:54I love you, Jimmy Pio.
07:58I love you.
08:00I love you.
08:03I love you.
08:06I love you.
08:08My, music is a beautiful thing.
08:20Yes, Costello, this is Tin Pan Alley,
08:23where all beautiful songs like that are written.
08:26Gee, Abbott, I wish I'd have brung along a needle and a thread.
08:28A needle and a thread?
08:29What for?
08:29To give to that poor girl that's always dancing with a hole in her stocking.
08:33Oh, be quiet.
08:34Look, we've got to find the head songwriter.
08:36Pardon me, sir.
08:37Are you the manager?
08:38No, I'm the janitor.
08:39Just call me.
08:40Ireland must be heaven because my mother came from Deb Buchowski.
08:43And speak to the secretary over there.
08:45Okay.
08:45Pardon me, Miss, uh, Miss, uh...
08:47Just call me.
08:48I, of course, replied.
08:49Smoke gets in your eyes.
08:50Honeysuckle rose.
08:51And who are you, young man?
08:52Well, you can just call me.
08:53Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
08:55Lula's back in town.
08:56Come down and get you the taxi, honey, Costello.
09:02Young lady, we came here to have a theme song written.
09:06Could you help us?
09:06Oh.
09:06Oh, well, here comes our head songwriter now.
09:09Aren't you, Grundy?
09:11At writing songs, I'm handy.
09:13Woo-hoo-hoo!
09:14Kitzel, don't tell me you're a songwriter
09:20Could be
09:22You know I'm the greatest musician in Tin Pan Alley
09:25And I can play any instrument
09:27You can play any instrument?
09:29Have you a fife?
09:30Yes, and a couple of keys
09:31No, no
09:32A fife is a long skinny thing
09:35Yeah, that's my serie
09:36No
09:37Hey Adam, why should we listen to this guy?
09:40I can play any instrument too, you know
09:42My favorite instrument is the flit
09:43The flit?
09:44Uh-huh
09:44You mean flute, flit is a spray
09:46That's me, when I play, I spray
09:47And he plays his spray
09:51Yeah
09:52Yeah
09:53Yeah, I don't like it
09:54Hey, look, Kitzel
09:56Costello's looking for an original song to sing on the program
09:59An original?
10:00Oh, who are you a fortunate fellow?
10:03I just wrote a song about a lady price fighter
10:06You wrote a song about a lady price fighter?
10:07Yeah, sure
10:08Punchy Annie
10:09Punchy Annie
10:11This guy's a phony
10:15No, no
10:16Yes, you are
10:16Before I give you a nickel
10:17I'm going to sing my own song
10:18It's the most beautiful ballad that was ever written
10:21Oh, Pish Pash
10:22Don't tell me that you wrote a ballad
10:24Did I write a ballad?
10:25What a song I wrote
10:26It's a song of mystery
10:28Yeah, what do you call your song?
10:30I call it
10:30Our Sweet Mystery Of
10:32Our Sweet Mystery Of?
10:35Of what?
10:35That's the mystery
10:36Oh, what kind of mystery
10:38All right, Abbott
10:43Get everybody off the stage
10:45Clear that joint out
10:46Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute
10:48Just a minute, Costello
10:49Please don't interrupt me, Abbott
10:50What do you mean?
10:51Tonight, ladies and gentlemen
10:52I wish to present my first musical program
10:56Starring Lou Costello
10:58Better known as The Squealer
11:00I will sing
11:02No, no
11:03Not that old or anything but that I can't say
11:06There's a coward in every audience
11:27That man is right, Costello
11:29You're not ready to sing yet
11:30Wait a minute
11:31What are you drinking out of that bottle?
11:33It's medicine for my throat
11:34It's to keep me from getting horse
11:36What is it?
11:36Horse liniment
11:37And now, if Freddie Rich and his orchestra is ready
11:41And the ushers will lock the doors
11:43I will sing my opening number
11:45The Flight of the Stumblebum
11:46By Ripsky Korsodoff
11:48Now, what's the matter, Freddie?
11:52Can't you handle it?
11:52Well, I just want to know how you want your music played
11:55Do you want it poco a poco
11:57Or P.U. Accelerando?
11:59Well, we'll just start out poco
12:01And we'll finish up P.U.
12:04And while I'm on the subject
12:05Was your script shaking?
12:07Now, wait a minute
12:08Wait a minute, Costello
12:11The band isn't ready to play for you yet
12:13They don't even know your range
12:15My what?
12:15Your range
12:16Every singer has a certain range
12:17Now, take little Connie Haynes
12:19Don't you like her range?
12:20Yes
12:20In fact, I like her whole kitchen
12:22And now, stop interrupting me, Abbott
12:27Come on, Freddie
12:28Start the music
12:28No, no, no, no, Costello
12:29I tell you
12:30You can't sing on this program
12:31Without some preparation
12:33Now, listen
12:34I've taken the liberty
12:34Of hiring you a vocal instructor
12:36Would you please step in here
12:39Madam Spumoni?
12:40I hear you calling me
12:43I came here to teach you how to sing
12:46How do you do?
12:47How do you do?
12:47How do you do?
12:47How do you do?
12:48How do you do?
12:48How do you do?
12:49How do you do?
12:52Get out of here
12:53Quiet, Costello
12:55Cut out the noise, lady
13:00Noise?
13:01How dare you, young man
13:02That was from Rigoletto
13:03That was from Rigoletto
13:05Now, Costello
13:08You can't talk that way
13:09To Madam Spumoni
13:10Madam Spumoni?
13:11Yes, she's a great opera singer
13:12Opera singer?
13:13Yes
13:14She don't even look like an opera singer
13:15Oh, you don't look like a chicken either
13:17But I've heard you lay plenty of eggs
13:19Now, let's not argue
13:21Please, I...
13:22Madam Spumoni
13:22Now, just a minute
13:23Here, please
13:23Creamy, ain't she?
13:24Now, look, look, Lou
13:25I brought...
13:26I brought Madam Spumoni over here
13:28To listen to your voice
13:29Costello, sing a few notes for her
13:30All right
13:31I'll sing my favorite song
13:32I am writing Caroline
13:33Oh, you mean I'm calling Caroline
13:35I mean I'm writing Caroline
13:37The company took my phone out
13:39Costello
13:41I don't think you'd better try to sing a song yet
13:43That's right, Mr. Costello
13:44First, I want to find out something
13:46Do you have an ear for music?
13:48Yes, ma'am
13:49But I sing better with my mouth
13:50Now, no, no, no
13:53Now, listen closely
13:54You'll do it
13:55Go ahead
13:56And tell me
13:57Tell me what note I'm singing
13:58Now, what is that?
14:02That's H
14:02That was G
14:03It sounded like H
14:05Costello, please
14:09Pay attention to Madam Spumoni, will you?
14:14Yes, Mr. Costello
14:14Now, I'd like to hear you sing the scale
14:16Go ahead
14:17Okay
14:17Do-ray
14:19Well, go ahead
14:21There's more?
14:23Of course there's more
14:24The next note is B
14:25Now, hit me
14:27I beg your pardon?
14:28I said hit me, hit me
14:30Abbott, this kid is asking for it
14:32No, no, no, no
14:33No, no, Costello
14:34Costello, put your foot down
14:37She didn't say to hit her
14:39She said hit me
14:40Now you're talking
14:40And wait till I get my coat off
14:41And I'll smack the boat
14:42Yeah, I'll listen
14:43Oh, my dear boy
14:46We don't want to fight with you
14:47We're trying to help you
14:49I want you to sing me
14:50The third note in the scale
14:51Now, sing it alone first
14:53And then we'll try a few bars together
14:55We'll try a few bars together?
14:59Certainly
14:59You don't even appeal to me
15:01Now, please
15:02Certainly
15:03I'll, uh
15:04I'll join you
15:05In the last four bars
15:07If you do
15:07You'll buy your own dreams
15:09Now, love
15:09Costello
15:12Madam Spumoni
15:13Merrily wants to hear you
15:15Sing a few notes
15:16Oh, well, that's different
15:17Get a load of this
15:18No, no, no
15:20Stop
15:21Stop
15:21When I say stop
15:22Costello, your voice
15:23Sounds very strained
15:25Yes, I know it
15:26I strained it
15:26Singing through a screen door
15:27No, try it again
15:30Mr. Costello
15:31Now, this time
15:32I want you to give me
15:33A nice, round, pear-shaped tone
15:35A what?
15:36A pear-shaped tone
15:38Every note must come out
15:39Of your mouth
15:40Shaped like a pear
15:41Which end first?
15:45Costello, please
15:46Madam Spumoni
15:47Madam Spumoni
15:49Simply means that
15:51You've got to
15:51Breathe properly to sing
15:53That is correct
15:54Get it right
15:54To control the tone
15:55You must sing from your diaphragm
15:57Do you know where your diaphragm is?
16:00No, I haven't worn one of those
16:01Since I was a baby
16:02No, no
16:04Now, Costello
16:05She's talking about the thing
16:07You breathe with
16:08What have you got
16:09Between your stomach
16:10And your chest?
16:11My belt
16:12I, no
16:12Gentlemen, gentlemen
16:17If I may call you gentlemen
16:18You're wasting my time
16:19Now, Mr. Costello
16:20I'm going to ask you
16:21To sing these two words
16:23After me
16:23Ready now?
16:24Fresh fish
16:25Fresh fish
16:27Fresh fish
16:28Fresh fish
16:29Kind of high
16:30Fresh fish
16:31That's enough
16:32That's fine
16:33That's wonderful
16:33Now, wait a minute
16:34What's the idea
16:34Of getting me to holler
16:35Fresh fish?
16:36Well, when I get through
16:37With you
16:37If you can't make money
16:38One way
16:38You can make it another
16:39How do you do?
16:42How do you do?
16:42How do you do?
16:43How do you do?
16:43How do you like that, Dame Abbott?
16:51I don't need her either, you know
16:52I don't need anybody
16:53To help me sing
16:54Oh, but Costello
16:55You can't sing without music
16:56I ain't going to sing without music
16:57My kid, brother Sebastian
16:58Is going to play for me
16:59Come on up here, Sebastian
17:01And play the piano
17:01Here I am, Louie
17:03Hello, Uncle Bud
17:04Well, how are all
17:05The old jokes going tonight?
17:07Now, never mind that, Sebastian
17:08Look here
17:09Costello, your kid brother
17:10Can't play in this program
17:11He doesn't know
17:12How to play the piano
17:12Oh, yes, I do, Uncle Bud
17:14I play the piano with my feet
17:15With your feet?
17:16What do you do with your hands?
17:17I hold them over my ears
17:19I can't stand it
17:20Oh, that's me
17:22Sebastian
17:23Sit down on the piano stool
17:25Sit down on the piano stool
17:27And play something for Uncle Bud
17:29Okay, Louie
17:30Ow!
17:31Ow!
17:32What's the matter, Sebastian?
17:34Who unscrewed the top
17:35Off this piano stool?
17:38Come, come
17:38Come, Sebastian
17:41Let's see you play something
17:42Okay
17:43There, Sebastian
17:46Sebastian
17:47What was that you played?
17:49Home, sweet home
17:51Now, that was terrible
17:52We have a terrible home
17:53Sebastian, I'm surprised at you
17:57You can play better than that
17:58I gave you 50 cents
17:59For a piano lesson yesterday
18:00I know it, Louie
18:01But I spent the money
18:02On my girlfriend
18:03I bought her a peppermint stick
18:05You've got a girlfriend
18:06At your age?
18:07Yep
18:08And yesterday was the first time
18:10I kissed her
18:10You kissed her?
18:12Yeah
18:12And we better finish the program fast
18:14I'm getting horser and horser
18:15Mm-hmm
18:16I kissed her yesterday
18:18Uncle Lappet
18:19But it was an accident
18:20We were both eating
18:22The same peppermint stick
18:23And I ate past my half
18:26Sebastian
18:29Here I was depending on you
18:30To play the piano for me tonight
18:31I was gonna make my debut
18:33As a singer
18:33And you deliberately
18:34Take the hard-earned money
18:36I gave you for piano lessons
18:37And spend it on a high
18:38Living and wild women
18:40You have impugned
18:42On my good name
18:43Why do you always do
18:45These things to me
18:45Sebastian?
18:46Oh
18:47I'm a bad boy
18:50Now hear about Abbott
18:56And Lou Costello
18:57With the final word
18:58Well Costello
19:00If you really want more music
19:01On our show next week
19:02I'll bring along my cousin
19:03Chuck Reisner
19:04But Abbott
19:05I didn't know your cousin
19:06Chuck Reisner was a singer
19:07Very few people knew that
19:09But Cousin Chuck
19:10Is a basso profondo
19:11I wish you hadn't
19:12Have said that Abbott
19:13What's wrong with me
19:14Saying that Chuck
19:15Is a basso profondo
19:16Because some of those
19:17Children turn out
19:18To be the best people
19:19Oh please don't talk
19:20About my cousin
19:21Chuck Reisner like that
19:22Good night folks
19:22Good night folks
19:23Good night everybody
19:24Good night everybody
19:24Good night
19:25Be sure to tune in next week
19:37For another great
19:38Abbott and Costello show
19:39And remember
19:40Try camels on your throat
19:41And your taste
19:42See for yourself
19:43How camels' mildness
19:45Coolness and flavor
19:46Click with you
19:47Oh wait
19:48Good night
19:51Click with you
19:51Oh wait
19:52You can see you
19:52How camels' mildness
19:53You can see you
19:54You can see you
19:54You can see you
19:55このパ septet
19:56You can see you
19:57You can see you
19:57You can see you
19:58You can see you
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