00:00Hi Chuck. Hey, it's quite a coincidence bumping into you.
00:06I'm sorry I didn't call you back. I was away last week. I planned to.
00:09That's okay.
00:10I meant to because things are going really well now, and I wanted to let you know.
00:14Oh, well that's great. I mean, I'm really anxious to see something.
00:16But listen, you should sit down because I'm here with Susan right now.
00:19And she's dying to meet you, so it's so funny bumping into you.
00:22Susan Orlean is here?
00:23Yeah, she's here in town for reading or something. Anyway, she's just on the phone.
00:29Sit down. Have a seat. She's dying to meet you.
00:32Oh, well, I should probably go because, well, I'd love to meet her too.
00:39But I don't want to be beholden.
00:42And well, because once you meet somebody that you've already been writing about,
00:45it becomes very hard to separate.
00:47So, well, okay, I'll speak to you soon. And I'm almost done.
00:51I'm almost done. And please tell Susan that I would love to meet with her on a future day.
00:55As she sees fit.
00:56Okay.
00:59Who am I kidding? This is not Susan Orlean's story. I have no connection with her.
01:03I can't even meet her. I can't meet anyone.
01:05I have no understanding of anything outside of my own panic and self-loathing
01:08and pathetic little existence.
01:10It's like the only thing I'm actually qualified to write about is myself and my own self.
01:14We open up Charlie Kaufman, fat, old, bald, repulsive, sitting in a Hollywood restaurant across from Valerie Thomas, a lovely statuesque film executive.
01:25Kaufman, trying to get a writing assignment. Wanting to impress her. Sweats profusely.
01:31Fat, bald, Kaufman paces furiously in his bedroom. He speaks into his handheld tape recorder and he says,
01:44Charlie Kaufman, fat, bald, repulsive, old, sits in a Hollywood restaurant with Valerie Thomas.
01:51Kaufman, repugnant, ridiculous. Jerks off to the book jacket photo of Susan Orlean.
01:55Clark, what do you want?
01:57I've finished my script. I'm done.
02:04So would you show it to your agent?
02:07It's called the three.
02:14Thanks.
02:15I also want to thank you for your idea. It was very helpful.
02:18I changed it a little.
02:19Now the killer cuts off body pieces and makes his victims eat them.
02:22It's kind of like...
02:23Caroline has this great tattoo of a snake swallowing its own tail.
02:26Uroboros.
02:27I don't know what that means.
02:29The snake. It's called Uroboros.
02:31I don't think so.
02:32But anyway, it's cool for my killer to have this modus operandi
02:35because at the end when he forces the woman who's really him to eat herself,
02:38he's also eating himself to death.
02:40I'm insane.
02:42I'm Uroboros.
02:43I don't know what that word means.
02:45I've written myself into my screenplay.
02:47That's kind of weird, huh?
02:49It's self-indulgent.
02:51It's narcissistic.
02:52It's solipsistic.
02:53It's pathetic.
02:54I'm pathetic.
02:56I'm fat and pathetic.
02:57I'm sure you had good reasons, Charles.
02:59You're an artist.
03:01The reason is because I'm too timid to speak to the woman who wrote the book.
03:04Because I'm pathetic.
03:06Because I have no idea how to write.
03:08Because I can't make flowers fascinating.
03:11Because I suck.
03:13Am I in the script?
03:14I'm going to New York.
03:15I'll meet her.
03:17That's it.
03:18That's what I have to do.
03:19Don't get mad at me for saying this, Charles.
03:21But Bob's having a seminar in New York this weekend.
03:24So if you're stuck...
03:26I just said, oh, LaRoche is such a fun character.
03:30No shit, I'm a fun character.
03:33Who's going to play me?
03:34Oh, well, I've got to write the book first, John.
03:37And then, you know, if they get somebody to write the screenplay.
03:40Hey, I think I should play me.
03:42Most people yearn for something exceptional, something so inspiring that they'd want to risk everything for that passion, but few would act on it.
03:52It was very powerful and intoxicating to be around someone so alive.
04:01Come on, just follow me.
04:02They're right nearby.
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