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00:00Do Do Do Do
00:30Do Do Do Do Do
00:59Stupid said you can't get an elephant in a cage. I think he makes the joke
01:07What sort of a bird is it a cock of three
01:12Big pun a cock of three cock of three. Hey, you're one cockatoo many
01:20It's a cockley too
01:22Cockatoo. Oh, you mean you just told him a parrot. That's right. Yeah. Oh, what are you gonna call this parrot then?
01:28Polly at original
01:31It's just who we want to see oh, well, if it's tea on tick you're after forget it
01:36No, no, no, no look we just bought the bird and we want to leave it with you. How do you want it cooking?
01:44It's our new pet. Oh, well, I was like to know he believes anything these days
01:49No, we just want you to look after it until we finish class. Okay. Yes. All right. Put it behind the counter
01:58Thank you your ladyship
02:04Evening Sidney hello, mr. Brown have a good weekend lousy got the mother-in-law staying with us
02:10Oh, how'd you get on well with her then? She's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter and I've never forgiven her for letting me
02:16Do you know last night was only one thing to stop me putting my head in the gas oven? What was that? We're all electric
02:22Oh
02:24Cheer up Sid remember when you feel things can't be worse. They can only get better. That's true true. I suppose she has got a pop off sometime
02:31Ha
02:43Good evening, yeah
02:45Ah, bonsoir, monsieur brown. You're just the man I'm wanting me. Yes. Can you help me? I do my best
02:51I have the big problems. Yeah, well, I'm afraid I can't do much about those
02:57Oh, sorry
02:59My life she's a mess up is she I mean is it what sort of a mess up? I tell you last month I met this boy
03:05Ah an affair of the heart this boy Pierre he keeps writing to me. Yeah, he's a foreigner. Oh, he's French
03:12Oh
03:14He has found the letters. Oh, the plot thickens. I not like a jealous man. Yeah, no. Oh, Henry
03:22Marcel, he works with all he has a consular. I'm sorry. I'm a bit confused. Who is Marcel jealous of Pierre or Henri? Emile
03:29I shouldn't have asked
03:32There's another thing he keeps telephoning me who Pierre Henri Marcel or Amy? Jean-Paul
03:36Jean-Paul
03:38I've heard of safety in numbers, but this is ridiculous
03:40They're all after the one thing my buddy. That's all they're after
03:45Yeah, well, you must just try and discourage them. Oh, no
03:49I like it
03:51I see Pierre Monday
03:53Henri Tuesday Marcel Wednesdays
03:57Emile Thursdays and Jean-Paul on Fridays
03:59That is my problem
04:01What is?
04:02My Saturdays and Sundays they are so dull
04:05Good evening, Anna
04:08Good evening, Anna
04:09You're busy?
04:10No, no, no
04:12Just finished
04:13Good
04:14I have an grosse problem
04:15Oh, not another one
04:16Who is it? Hans, Karl, Wilhelm or Adolf?
04:19No
04:20It is my homework
04:22Oh, sorry
04:23Your question is asking what is correct address for a member of parliament?
04:27Yes
04:28I do not know where any members of parliament are living
04:30No, the question means how do you address them? What do you call an MP?
04:33Ah
04:34I don't know that either
04:36Right honourable
04:37Jawohl
04:38Where you want me to write it? On the blackboard?
04:40No, not W-R-I-T-E, R-I-G-H-T, right
04:43Right?
04:44Right
04:45Right
04:46Right
04:47Well, if you want to unlock it, I will
04:48I have been warning you
04:50Now I am coming in
04:51Ahhhh
04:52Ahhhh
04:53Ahhhh
04:54Ahhhh
04:55Ahhhh
04:56Ranjit, what is the meaning of this?
04:57The meaning is
04:58The meaning is
05:29Some damn fool is opening the door just as I am charging it
05:33Mr. Brown opens the door
05:36Thousand apologies
05:38Right, come over here, Ali
05:39Now, what is all this about?
05:41That barbarian is calling me a hairy goat
05:45Is this true, Ali?
05:47Yes, please
05:48But this infidel is calling me the son of a cross-eyed camel
05:52That is not true
05:53I am calling him an illegitimate son of a cross-eyed camel
05:58Yeah, well, it's not good enough
06:00Ahhhh
06:02You want me to be calling him something worse?
06:06I don't want anybody calling anybody anything
06:09Whatever your differences are, kindly leave them outside the classroom
06:12Now, sit down, the pair of you
06:13Come on
06:15Ah, tarot
06:19Arsehole
06:21Did you have a good weekend?
06:26Spend the weekend reading Booko by Charles Dickens
06:31Oh, which Booko were you reading?
06:33Which Booko were you reading?
06:36Only one
06:38Twister
06:39Really?
06:40Do you understand most of the words?
06:42I understand all words
06:44What, even the Old English?
06:45No Old English words in my booko
06:48Ah, must have been a revised edition
06:50No, no
06:51Japanese edition
06:53I thought it was too good to be true
06:56Good happening, Master D
06:58Still knitting away?
07:00Oh, no
07:02I am be knit cardigan
07:05Yeah, what I meant was
07:07You misunderstood what I was saying
07:09And you are be misunderstood what I am be knit
07:12Why don't we just forget the whole thing?
07:14Good evening, Sue Lee
07:16Not good for me
07:17Oh dear, what's the matter?
07:19I have lost my little dead book
07:21Oh, good
07:22I mean, bad luck
07:23I look everywhere, but not find it
07:25Does this mean you won't be treating us to any of the Honourable Chairman's quotations?
07:29Oh, no
07:30No quotations by heart
07:32Chairman Mao, he say
07:33In every process
07:34Oh, yes
07:35Thank you, Sue
07:36We know the whole thing
07:37We know the whole thing
07:38Ciao, everybody
07:39Hello, boss
07:40Only just made it
07:41Sorry, boss
07:42We had things to do
07:43That's right
07:44We just got a fantastic bird
07:46Really?
07:47Does this bird have a name?
07:48Sure
07:49Polly
07:50In the future
07:51Kindly refer to her as Polly and not as a bird
07:54Okey-cokey
07:55She's going to be very good company for us at night
08:01Us?
08:02What do you mean us?
08:03Well, we're going to share her
08:05One night she sleeps with me
08:07Another night she sleeps with Max
08:09I don't think I want to hear anymore
08:11Why?
08:12You not like birds?
08:14Well, let's just say I don't like sharing them
08:17Hey, I fixed something for you
08:18You give me a fiver, we go get you a bird
08:21Sure
08:22What colour you want?
08:25What colour is yours?
08:27Mostly red
08:28With a blue neck
08:29And a green dress
08:30Ah, the penny's dropped
08:32Where?
08:35Polly is a parrot
08:36Oh, that's right
08:37What do you think she is?
08:38An elephant?
08:39It doesn't matter
08:40Sit down
08:41What about the penny?
08:42Ignore the penny
08:43Buenas tardes
08:44Juan, you're late
08:46Por favor
08:47Never mind, por favor
08:48You should have been here five minutes ago
08:50Why?
08:51What happened?
08:53Quiet
08:54Quiet
08:55Silencio
08:57Thank you
08:58It's alright
08:59Why are you late?
09:00Eh, I tell you
09:01My boss where I work
09:03He tell me about a horse
09:05Who's going to win the big race tomorrow
09:07Very clever horse
09:08Talking horse
09:10Juan, horses don't talk
09:11Si, senor
09:12Si, senor
09:13He told me he get the tip straight from the horse's mouth
09:17That's just a racing term
09:19Alright
09:20Then he tell me to put my shed on horse
09:22You didn't?
09:23Nah
09:24Oh, thank goodness for that
09:25My shed wouldn't fit the horse
09:27Silence
09:29I bet ten pounds to win on the horse
09:31Oh, and ten pounds is a lot of money
09:33You could lose
09:34No, lose
09:35Tomorrow
09:36I'll be plenty rich
09:37Muchas pesetas
09:38Look, there's no such thing as a certainty
09:41Si, senor
09:42My horse is sure to win
09:44And you know
09:45Ah, easy
09:46I tell you
09:47Big race starts at two o'clock
09:49Is alright?
09:50Yes
09:51Bookmaker
09:52He tell me
09:53My horse starts at ten to one
10:01Those are the odds
10:02Your horse will start at two o'clock just like all the rest
10:05He tried to cheat me
10:06Look
10:07I go punch his face in
10:08You'll do nice things
10:09Sit down
10:10It's time we all started work
10:11Now just take the register to Miss Courtney
10:13And then we'll have a look at your homework
10:14Alright?
10:15Ah
10:16Yeah
10:23Ah, Miss Courtney, I brought the register
10:28Two absentees tonight, Ingrid and Zoltan
10:31Oh, well I've had a letter from your Hungarian student
10:33Oh, has he gone sick?
10:34No, he's gone back to Hungary
10:36Oh
10:37Enter
10:42Excuse me, Miss Courtney?
10:44Yes
10:45What do you want?
10:47I'm Sheikh El Hamid
10:49And I'm interested in your English classes
10:51Oh, well, if you don't mind me saying so
10:53Your English is fairly good
10:55Thank you
10:56It is comforting to know that my years at Oxford were not wasted
11:03I would like my personal chauffeur to join your class
11:06Oh, I'm afraid that is quite impossible
11:08It is midterm and students are not permitted to join halfway through a course
11:13Rules are rules
11:15I'm sure you could make an exception for a little donation of, er, 2,000 pounds
11:22This isn't the Dorchester Hotelian
11:25This is an educational establishment
11:27You can't expect us to bend the rules just because you plonked too grand on the table
11:31Can he, Miss Courtney?
11:32Well, of course he can
11:37Where is your chauffeur now?
11:39Outside
11:40Will you come in now?
11:49But he's white
11:51People usually are from Glasgow
11:56Scots
11:57But of course
11:58Well, why do you want us to teach him English?
12:00Because I can't understand a word of what he says
12:04Right, John?
12:05I don't mean now
12:06But I don't understand how you don't know what I'm going to put in here
12:09But
12:10You won't stop saying it, John, mate, eh?
12:12Yeah
12:34Hello
12:35Can I help you?
12:36No
12:37No, don't smell his car, mate
12:38I can tell you he's going to hang about here at Rush Old Burner
12:40Ten fudges
12:41Save it when I do
12:46I'm sorry, Miss Courtney
12:47But I think the whole idea is ridiculous
12:49I am supposed to teach English to foreign students
12:51He sounds like a foreign student
12:53Oh, look
12:54Wouldn't it be far simpler for you to just get another chauffeur?
12:57No, I couldn't do that
12:58You see, Jock's father gave his life defending my father during the war
13:03I feel I owe him a living
13:04Yeah, well, in that case, why don't you make him very happy
13:06And give him a job in your harem or something
13:08Don't be stupid, Mr Brown
13:11Oh, I wonder if you'd mind waiting outside for a moment
13:13While Mr Brown and I discuss this matter privately
13:16Not at all
13:20The door, Mr Brown
13:22Now listen to me, Mr Brown
13:23You are a teacher of English and it is your job to teach English no matter who or what your students may happen to be
13:39Well, actually, as I try to tell you
13:40Don't interrupt
13:41Now remember that the Arabs are extremely wealthy
13:45Who knows what other benefits they may bestow upon us
13:48Only the other day I was reading in the paper about an Arab who was so pleased with the service at his hotel
13:53That he presented the manager with a Rolls Royce
13:56Yeah, well, we are not running a hotel, Miss Courtney
13:58Money isn't a be-all and end
14:00A Rolls Royce
14:01Yes
14:04Well, I suppose I could give it a try
14:06Good
14:07Look upon it as a challenge
14:09I'll do my best
14:15I wonder if you would care to join me in a cup of tea in the office
14:18And then later on I'll show you round the school
14:20How very kind of you
14:22Oh, what am I doing?
14:23Go away, do you want to hang about here or what?
14:34I'd like you to hang about
14:35I'm going to try and teach you to speak English
14:37Oh, don't it's all that option
14:39See me no part
14:40Well, I'm not exactly jumping for joy myself
14:43Huh?
14:44Come on, it's the Tower of Babel
14:52Can't you think of anything better to do than chatter to each other?
14:55Sure
14:56Hey, we go for a cup of tea
14:57That's a good idea
14:59Do no such thing
15:00Sit down, be quiet and pay attention
15:02Right, you'd better sit next to Anna
15:04OK
15:05Hello hen, how's it going?
15:09What is your name?
15:10Hamish Hector Dougal
15:13Donald Stuart McGregor
15:17Well, I'll put you down as a jock
15:18Oh, we liked him
15:19Well, as you can see, we have a new student
15:22Ah, yes, they're all very lucky for helping me as one of you, you know what I mean?
15:25Or as you say yourself
15:26Och, I renew and all that haggis-bashing nonsense
15:31Oh, blimey
15:32What language is he speaking?
15:35Believe it or not, it's English
15:36Aye, he's right enough, you know he's right enough
15:38If that is English, what language is it that we are learning?
15:42Mr. McGregor is speaking in dialect
15:45I thought you said he was speaking English
15:48What? English, but with a dialect
15:51Hey, I know all about them dialects
15:57You do?
15:58Sure, I've seen them on television
16:00Doctor Who and the dialects
16:02No, that's dialects
16:03No, that's dialects
16:05Ah, okie-kokie
16:08A dialect is a form of speech peculiar to certain areas
16:12Tell them where you're from
16:13I am a jock
16:15What is jock?
16:17What is jock?
16:18Oh, Master G, please
16:20I am the know what is jock
16:21Good
16:22Would you like to tell us all?
16:23A jock is be a funny story
16:26Oh, good joke
16:30Don't you, Miller? That's a joke
16:32Mr. McGregor is from Scotland
16:34Which is part of Great Britain
16:36Great Britain is comprised of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales
16:42No
16:45What do you mean, no?
16:46Not Wales in England
16:47Wales in the sea
16:52I'm talking about Wales the country
16:55At the end of the M4
16:56Ah, sorry
16:57Wrong number
16:59I'm not quite sure what to do with you for the moment
17:01Oh, well, let's just say I snuck the team
17:03That case will just gang a war
17:05You're not going anywhere
17:06Just sit down
17:07For a start
17:08You can concentrate on your diction
17:09Well, I don't have a talk of this here
17:11Well, for example, repeat after me
17:13The fat black cat sat on the mat
17:16The fat black cat sat on the mat
17:18No, no, no, no
17:20Let's take each word separately
17:22Alright?
17:23The
17:24The
17:25Fat
17:26The
17:27No, not fat
17:28Fat
17:29Fat
17:30Fat
17:31Black
17:32Black
17:33Cat
17:34Cat
17:35Sat
17:36Shatter
17:37On
17:38The
17:39Matter
17:40Matt
17:41Good
17:42Good
17:43Now try the whole thing
17:44The fat black cat sat on the mat
17:46Now, well, you better just sit there and listen while I get on with the rest of the lesson
17:51Alright, Dave, whatever please yourself, son, you're alright, alright
17:53What are you doing?
17:58Having a dram
17:59Having a dram
18:00Oh, you fancy a touch of stag's breath yourself, why around?
18:02Certainly not
18:03And I don't allow drinking in the classroom
18:05Oh, see, well, help yourself to smoke if you feel like
18:07No drinking and no smoking
18:11God, it's worse than being in a kirk
18:13That's right, sir
18:14Right, now, if you recall, I asked you each to write a brief essay on your various beliefs
18:18I hope you've all done, sir
18:19Sue Lee, would you like to read us out your essay?
18:21What I breathe
18:23Firstly, I not breathe in the region
18:26Excuse me, Sue Lee, the subject was what you believe, not what you don't believe
18:29Firstly, it is necessary to make platform on which intellectual thought can stand
18:33When building house, it is necessary to make firm foundation
18:37Excuse me, please
18:38I'm not understanding something
18:40Yes, Ali, what is it you're not understanding?
18:42I'm not understanding a word what she's talking about
18:45I quite agree, Ali, Sue Lee does rather tend to be dialectically verbose
18:50Oh, blimey
18:51Now I'm not understanding what you are saying
18:55Point taken
18:56Right, sit down, Ali, thank you
18:58Carry on, Sue Lee, and this time stick to the point
19:01I breathe everyone is equal in eyes of state
19:04I breathe in chairman mouth
19:06I breathe in dictatorship of proletariat and supplesion of capitalism
19:10Ah, rubbish
19:11Blubbish
19:12Blubbish
19:13Western world collapse and evil
19:15Ah, away here and paddle in your paddy field
19:18I'm reporting to laicid relations
19:21Ah, shut your goblin
19:23You do it, Mark
19:24Kindly keep your remarks to yourself
19:27Excuse, please
19:29Yes, Terrell
19:35Not polite, though
19:36To your sort lady
19:38Please
19:39Apologise
19:40Get notted
19:42Get notted
19:44Put up your fistle
19:46Aye
19:47Yeah
19:48Okay, Harry, Keery
19:49If it's a fight you want, you'll get one
19:51You ready?
19:52Hiyaa
19:53Oh, sit down, won't you?
19:56Honour
19:57Must have been satisfied all
19:59Yeah, well, you can satisfy it after class
20:01Sit down, Terrell
20:02And as for you, I'd be obliged if you would keep quiet
20:13Thank you, Sully, I'll read your essay later
20:15Um, Juan
20:16Si, senor
20:17Would you like to read us your essay?
20:18So right
20:19So right
20:20What I believe by Juan Cervantes
20:25So far so good, eh?
20:29Yes, come on, get on with it
20:32So right, so right
20:33That's right
20:34I believe in one God
20:37And I believe in Jesus Christ
20:40Spiritus Arturo
20:42Now, Jesus Christ
20:46Spiritus Arturo
20:48Was the first Roman Catholic
20:52Oh, what are you on about your big chantier ass last?
20:58Por favor
20:59He was Jewish
21:01Por favor
21:02Jock is trying to make the point that Christ was Jewish
21:05No, he was a Roman Catholic
21:08No, he wasn't, he was a Jewish
21:10I'll punch you in your head
21:12I'll kick you up at the back side
21:14And I'll kick you up at the front side
21:16As for you, if I have any more interruptions from you
21:31Out you go
21:32All right, all right
21:33Not a word
21:34Stoom
21:35Good
21:38I go on, so right?
21:39No, Juan, your beliefs are just as controversial as Sully's
21:41Por favor
21:42No, it doesn't matter, sit down
21:43Yeah
21:44Come on
21:45Yeah
21:46We'll try you, Ranjit
21:50I am believing that all men are being born equal
21:54Oh, no
21:57Jock, I have warned you
21:59Oh, come on, Jimmy
22:00I can't be expected to sit here
22:02And listen to Charlie Chapati claiming his body
22:06Well, if you're wanting nothing, Ranjit
22:08He's calling you Charlie Chapati
22:11Oh, well, the same goes for you takeaway Tommy
22:19Aye, give me a bunch of fibre
22:22Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on
22:26Come on, come on ma jam
22:28You can all go to T-brit
22:29Go on, go on Alan
22:30T-brit
22:31And as for you, you can just kind of, just go.
22:37Where is everybody going?
22:39Tea, Blake.
22:40Well, do it quietly.
22:42Ah, Miss Courtney, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do it.
22:44Can't do what?
22:45Put up with our Scottish friend.
22:46He's a disruptive influence on the rest of the class.
22:48Mr. Brown, I am afraid that you must.
22:51I have invited the Sheikh to meet the Board of Governors.
22:53He has promised to give us a new school hall.
22:56I don't care if he's promised to give you the Albert Hall.
22:58Forgive me, I couldn't help overhearing.
23:01Is there some sort of problem?
23:02No.
23:03Yes, I'm afraid I cannot put up any longer with this chauffeur of yours.
23:06He's rude, self-opinionated and extremely unpleasant.
23:09And you can keep your Rolls-Royce.
23:12What an extraordinary man.
23:14Hey, you better wait in the car.
23:16OK, Gaffard, just hang a bit and say the motor now, eh?
23:18Right.
23:20That is a pity.
23:22I was quite looking forward to meeting your Board of Governors.
23:24And so you shall.
23:26But now that circumstances have changed.
23:28Well, circumstances may have changed,
23:29but the object of the exercise remains the same.
23:32Now, forgive me if I'm wrong,
23:34but as far as I understand it,
23:36you wish to be able to converse with your Scottish chauffeur.
23:40Yes, but I fail to see how that can be achieved now.
23:43Well, every problem has its solution.
23:46And that is?
23:46He does as I tell him, or he gets the sack.
23:50I shall be taking you for the rest of the lesson,
24:03and I won't stand for any nonsense.
24:05What has happened to Mr. Brown?
24:07Mr. Brown is in my office doing some private tuition.
24:10Repeat after me.
24:11It's a braw-brick-to-moon-licked-nicked-the-nicked.
24:15It's a braw-brick-to-moon-nicked-nicked-the-nicked.
24:19Very good.
24:19I'm trying to find you.