Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The End
00:30Oh, Mr. Brad, is this some more jumble for our school face?
01:00Yes, just a few things my students brought in.
01:02What are these?
01:05Sikh underwear from Ranjeet.
01:08Oh, well, I suppose we can always ask the needlework class to sew up the flies
01:11and take a bit off the legs and put them in as a pair of football shorts.
01:16Thoughts of Chairman Mao. No need to ask where that came from.
01:21Daniel?
01:22Max.
01:25I beg your pardon.
01:26He swears he found it in his pocket. There's no idea how it got there.
01:30Likely story.
01:32Well, you better bring this along to my office later
01:33and we'll lock it up with all the rest of the staff until Saturday.
01:36Very well.
01:37By the way, we've got one.
01:39One what?
01:40Don't you ever read the notice board?
01:41I don't get a look.
01:42Obviously not.
01:43There has been a notice on the board for the past two weeks to the effect that we were hoping
01:47to get a celebrity to open our school fates.
01:50Oh, yes, I remember now.
01:51Who have you got?
01:52Robert Dougal.
01:54You remember?
01:55He used to read the news.
01:56You?
01:57I've got the art class making stickers with his name on to put across the posters.
02:00Buenas noches, senora.
02:05Oh, good evening, Mr. Cervantes.
02:07How's your English?
02:08Por favor.
02:09Your English?
02:11Your English.
02:13Mi Spanish.
02:13Sorry, I asked.
02:21Where are the others?
02:23Everybody's coming pronto.
02:24Oh, good.
02:24I come first to talk how you say, uh, ombre to ombre.
02:29Man to man?
02:30Eh, so right.
02:31I have met a beautiful senorita.
02:34No, no, no.
02:35I have met a beautiful girl.
02:37Eh, just like me.
02:39What's her name?
02:40No, no, no.
02:41I haven't met anyone.
02:42I was merely correcting your English.
02:43Eh, Spanish.
02:44Yep.
02:45Why?
02:45It's all right, it's all right.
02:47Well, I want to take Rita, that's her name, away for the weekend holiday.
02:52But she lives with her mother and she thinks maybe her mother not let her come away with me.
02:57What can I do?
02:58Well, why don't you ask her mother?
02:59I don't want to go away with her mother.
03:02Rita's mother if you can go away with her on holiday.
03:05You think she say yes?
03:06I have no idea.
03:07What are your intentions?
03:08Por favor.
03:10I'll be blunt.
03:11Are you hoping to get Rita into your room?
03:13No.
03:14Good.
03:15No, my room.
03:16Her room.
03:17Only one room.
03:19Yeah, well, in that case, I can't help you.
03:20You just have to make your own decision.
03:23Eh, sort of.
03:24Yes.
03:28Squisples.
03:29I'm buying you a cup of tea.
03:30Oh.
03:31Thank you, Ali.
03:32I am buying you a chocolate biscuit.
03:35Oh, thank you, Ranjit.
03:37Unfortunately, while I'm coming from the canteen, I am eating it.
03:43Well, never mind.
03:44It's the thought that counts.
03:45Cheers.
03:47That's funny.
03:48What is it?
03:49This tea tastes like coffee.
03:51Excuse, please.
03:51It is tasting like coffee.
04:04Oh, blimey.
04:05That is explaining it.
04:07Explaining what?
04:08All the time I'm being in the canteen, I'm thinking my coffee is tasting like tea.
04:14Well, never mind.
04:15I don't think I'll bother.
04:15Sit down, everybody.
04:17Right, we've still got a lot to do tonight.
04:20Um, Max.
04:22Would you put that cigar out, please?
04:26Sorry, Bosch.
04:27Right, now, before we go any further, I want to talk to you about the school fete.
04:30We are looking forward to it.
04:32Has he got someone famous to open it?
04:34Yes, Robert Dougal.
04:36Never heard of him.
04:38I am to see him on television, Master G.
04:41Dougal, Florence, Anne, Seppardine.
04:46That's a doggy sort of Dougal.
04:48This is Robert Dougal, who used to be a newsreader.
04:51Only he's retired now.
04:53Oh, that's no good.
04:55It's much better we get somebody who reads the news now.
04:58Like at that Angela Ripoff.
05:02Ripon.
05:03Scusi.
05:04I am liking the other one better.
05:06Annie Minnie.
05:09Annie Minnie?
05:11She's reading the news on ITV.
05:13Anna Ford.
05:15Ronka.
05:18Miss Courtney should have asked me.
05:20What for?
05:22You're not famous.
05:23No, but I'm a big friend of famous man on television.
05:26Another one of your fairy's tales.
05:29It's true.
05:30He's a big star of Celebrity Square Eyes.
05:33Eh, it's not Bob Monkey House.
05:36No, Willie Rushington.
05:39No.
05:40A cockney man.
05:41What, Arthur Mullard?
05:42Yeah, that's him.
05:44You know him well.
05:45Like a brother.
05:46He would have been very happy to come and hope on the fate.
05:49Ah, well, it's too late now.
05:50We've already got Mr. Dougal.
05:51Now, what I would really like to know is what each of you are doing to help the fate to raise money.
05:55As you know, whatever we take goes to charity, so we obviously want to make as much as we can.
05:59With what we think of, we make a fortune.
06:02Good.
06:02Tell me what you're doing, Anna.
06:04Jamila and me, we bring some bathroom scales and we charge two pee for one weighing.
06:09Oh, that's an excellent idea.
06:11Ali, what are you doing?
06:12Oh, Ranjit and I are having a very good game.
06:16We are putting empty tins on a piece of wood.
06:19And for only five pee, you can be throwing three bollies to be knocking them down.
06:23Are there any prizes?
06:26Oh, yes, please.
06:27If you are knocking three tins down, you are winning one pound.
06:30I don't want to worry you, Ali, but you could lose money on that.
06:33Oh, no.
06:34You are being mistaken.
06:36Nobody's knocking down your one tint.
06:38Well, why not?
06:39We are nailing the tins to the piece of wood.
06:43Very ingenious.
06:45What are you doing?
06:46Ah, I make plenty money with Danielle.
06:49Doing what?
06:50Selling kisses.
06:51Oh, so we have plenty fun.
06:53How much are you selling your kisses for?
06:56Five pee, ten pee, and fifteen pee.
06:59Oh, what's the difference?
07:00Eh, I show you.
07:05For five pee, you kiss on one cheek.
07:09Mwah.
07:10For ten pee, you kiss on the both cheek.
07:14Mwah.
07:15Mwah.
07:15And for fifteen pee...
07:17Oh, man!
07:18I buy one of them fifteen pee kissers.
07:26I don't kiss you.
07:27Not to you, Danielle, you great Spanish paella.
07:31Eh, you don't speak to me like that, you macaroni face.
07:35Right, what'll do, sit down and behave you.
07:37Come on, let's go.
07:39That means you.
07:40All right.
07:40Sure.
07:41Right, um, Max, what have you in mind for Saturday?
07:45I tell you.
07:47The boss asked me to tell him.
07:49We both tell him.
07:51Okay.
07:51We got a great idea.
07:55We got a great idea.
07:56Jammer jars.
07:57Jammer jars.
07:58Jammer jars?
07:59That's right.
08:00That's right.
08:01You're beginning to sound like an echo, Max.
08:03Do you have to repeat everything Giovanni says?
08:05Sorry, boss.
08:06First, we get the jam jars.
08:08First, we get the jam jars.
08:09You start.
08:11Excuse me.
08:11We put the jam jars on the floor.
08:14And people try to throw ten pee into a jam jar.
08:17If they miss, we keep the ten pee.
08:20And if they get one in?
08:21They win five pee.
08:22We can't believe this.
08:24Clever, eh?
08:24Yeah, I don't think you'll get too many tapers.
08:27Tarot?
08:28Ah, sir.
08:28Yeah.
08:30Are you doing anything?
08:32Yes, sir.
08:33Swap-o.
08:34Shop-o.
08:34Swap-o-what-o?
08:35Oh, swap-shop.
08:36Oh, yes.
08:37Mr Brown, Mr Courtney asked me to remind you to take the jamboline.
08:41Oh, thank you, Sid.
08:42I'll be there straight away.
08:43Right up.
08:44Right, I shan't be a minute.
08:45In the meantime, would you turn to page 130 and study the chapter on clause analysis?
08:49Uh, Max, would you clean the board?
08:52Hot care, boys.
08:52Oh, no.
08:57Well, how awful.
08:59Are you sure?
09:01Oh, dear.
09:04Yes, well, thank you very much for telling me.
09:06Goodbye.
09:08Bad news?
09:10Extremely.
09:11Mr Dougal has flu.
09:13He is confined to bed.
09:14Oh, great.
09:15There goes our celebrity.
09:16Well, now what are we going to do?
09:18We've got no one to open the fates.
09:20Just a minute.
09:21Max.
09:21Max?
09:23The Greek?
09:25Well, he's not a celebrity.
09:27No, no, no, no.
09:28But apparently he knows Arthur Mallard.
09:29You know that TV chappy?
09:31Oh, yes.
09:32I think I know the one you mean.
09:33Speaks a bit like Sidney.
09:35That's him.
09:36Oh, well, I suppose beggars can't be choosers.
09:39You think Mr Papandrias could get this, Mr Mallard?
09:42Mallard?
09:43Yeah, Mallard, yes.
09:44Why don't we go and ask him?
09:46What a good idea, Mr Brown.
09:51Right, Max, I'm on the word with you.
09:56I was telling Miss Courtney that you know Arthur Mollard.
10:01Well, you are, don't you?
10:04Well, come on, speak up.
10:07Max, how many times do I have to tell you?
10:12Smoking is not allowed.
10:13Well, never mind about that now, Mr Brown.
10:15You know this Mr Mallard really well, do you?
10:18We are just like that.
10:19He'd do anything for me.
10:21And you say he'd be happy to open our fate?
10:22Sure he would.
10:23Oh, I expect he's far too busy.
10:25For me, he'd drop anything.
10:28Good.
10:29Then you can ask him to open our fate on Saturday.
10:32Okay, I ask him to...
10:33What?
10:36Tell him to be there by 12 o'clock.
10:37We'll pay his expenses, of course.
10:39Oh, thank you, Mr Papadrias, you have saved the day.
10:42Now, come along, Mr Brown, you've got to be a great day.
10:47Hey, what's the matter with you?
10:50You don't look very happy.
10:52I'm not very happy.
10:54Oh, blimey, I'm thinking he's dropping clinker.
11:01Fairest tales, Max.
11:03I did meet him once.
11:06When?
11:08Two years ago.
11:09I shot next to him on a bus.
11:11Hello, Greg.
11:34Here, have you heard the news?
11:35Eh?
11:36They've got Arthur Mallard.
11:38Why, what's she done?
11:39To the fate.
11:42He's going to open the fate.
11:43Oh, yeah?
11:44Yeah, I think he's lovely.
11:46He's down at the Red Line over the weekend,
11:48pushing down a pile of pennies.
11:50Here.
11:50Do you think I can get his autograph?
11:52You'd fit to get somebody who could speak a bit better than him,
11:54wouldn't you?
11:55Well, what's the matter with the way he speaks?
11:57Speaks just like you.
11:59Yeah, nah, he don't speak nothing like me.
12:01He's common.
12:01What are you going to do, Max?
12:06What about?
12:07About your great big celebrity friend that you do not know.
12:11Nothing?
12:12Eh, you've got to do something, Max.
12:15Don't worry.
12:16I fix everything.
12:18After class, I go to the pub and telephone Miss Courtney.
12:21I tell her I just spoke to my good friend Arthur
12:25and he will be delighted to come and hope in the fate.
12:28Unfortunately, he's already engaged.
12:31Why don't you tell the truth?
12:33I don't think he knows what truth means.
12:35Have you all been studying clause analysis?
12:41Yes.
12:42Good.
12:42Right.
12:42Books away, please.
12:44Right.
12:44Ali, what is an adverbial clause?
12:47Oh, blimey.
12:49Anybody?
12:50Nah.
12:51Right.
12:52Well, then I suggest for your homework,
12:53you all write out the chapter on clause analysis.
12:56Ah.
12:57Right.
12:57It's time to go now.
12:59See you all at the fate on Saturday.
13:04Uh, Max?
13:05Yes, Bosch?
13:06When will you know about Arthur Mullard?
13:07Uh, I go to phone him from pub now.
13:09Right.
13:11Oh, listen, Max.
13:13Uh, use Miss Courtney's phone.
13:14I'm sure she won't mind.
13:15It's okay, Bosch.
13:15Uh, much better I phone from pub.
13:17Yeah, well, will you let, uh,
13:18Miss Courtney and me know as soon as you've spoken to him?
13:20We'll be here for a while, yes.
13:21Okay.
13:23What do you think of that, then, eh, then?
13:24That's very nice, Sid.
13:26Ha, ha.
13:26Going in for modelling, Sid?
13:28No, just trying on the jacket.
13:29Miss Courtney said everything on the row was a fiver.
13:31And very reasonable.
13:33Can I pay you now,
13:33because I won't be at the fate that day
13:35is not until after the pub's shut?
13:37I don't see why not.
13:37If we can't have first choice, who can?
13:39Ah, well, there's my fiver.
13:41Right, I'll see Miss Courtney gets it later.
13:42No, no, no.
13:43Will you be going to the fate, Gladys?
13:44Oh, I wouldn't miss Arthur Mullard for anything.
13:48Steady now, Arthur.
13:50We don't want it knocked down before Sunday.
13:52No, that wouldn't do, would it, Lil?
13:54Are you ready for another pint?
13:56Yes.
13:57I'll be back in a minute.
13:58I'm just going to the what's-it.
14:05What you having?
14:07Half a pint.
14:08Hockey-cokey, two halves, please, miss.
14:10And I'll have a pint of pig's ear.
14:13I thought you couldn't hear very well, eh?
14:16He, yes, not the monster.
14:18Two halves and some pink's ears, please.
14:22Hey, you'd better go phone Miss Courtney, huh?
14:24Hockey.
14:25Shid, you got Miss Courtney's number?
14:27Yeah.
14:27Well, what do you want it for?
14:28I got a phone-er about Arthur Mullard.
14:30Oh, oh, him?
14:31Yeah.
14:31Hey, do you know Gladys should I speak like what he does?
14:34Yeah, that...
14:35Hey, wait a minute.
14:36What?
14:37I got an idea.
14:38Yes, come over here.
14:40Bring the drinks to you, Vanny.
14:41Hockey-cockets.
14:42Will you, uh, make me a favour, Shid?
14:45What sort of a...
14:46What sort of a favour?
14:52It's worth a quid.
14:53Yeah?
14:55Who do you want locking up?
14:56I'm nothing.
14:57No, no.
14:58I want you to telephone Miss Courtney
14:59and tell her that you're Arthur Mullard
15:01and that you won't be able to come and open the feet.
15:04I thought you were supposed to have fixed all that.
15:06He's a not-fixed-nothing.
15:08He doesn't even notice Arthur Mullard.
15:10Been opening your North and South again, have you?
15:12Will you do it?
15:14I'll go.
15:14For a quid, I'll do anyway.
15:28Hello?
15:33Hello?
15:34Miss Courtney.
15:35Maximilian Papandreau here.
15:37I got Mr Mullard to speak with you.
15:44Hello?
15:47Oh, good evening, Mr Mullard.
15:49It is kind of you to open our fate on Saturday.
15:52Yes.
15:53That's what I was phoning you about.
15:54We can't pay you a fee, but we will pay your expenses, of course.
15:59Say, uh, £50.
16:01£50 quid?
16:04Cash?
16:06Oh, that's lovely.
16:07Uh, what time would you like me to be there?
16:09£2.
16:11£2.30?
16:12£2.30?
16:14All right.
16:15I'll see you there on Saturday, £2.30.
16:16Tell her, love.
16:19What are you doing?
16:20Are you crazy?
16:22She's offered me £50 in cash.
16:24Wrong.
16:25She's offered that to Arthur Mullard.
16:27Look, everybody thinks I speak like him.
16:29All I need is a bit of a disguise.
16:31And a big pair of stilts.
16:32It's not going to work, Sid.
16:35You're not the full nobodies.
16:37No.
16:38Well, at least I tried to help, didn't I?
16:40Cheers.
16:48I've got to get back.
16:56I'm up the creek without a paddle.
16:59You're up at the creek without even a boat.
17:02Blue, blue.
17:08Santa Maria.
17:11What's the matter?
17:15Without turning round,
17:18who does a man at the bar remind you of?
17:23How can I see without turning round?
17:27Just have it a quick look.
17:32No idea.
17:38Arthur Mullard.
17:40Nothing like him.
17:42Sure it is.
17:43I bet he fool a lot of people.
17:46Especially Miss Courtney.
17:47Hey, you might be right.
17:50Come on.
17:55Excuse me.
17:57Yes?
17:59Has anybody ever told you you look like Arthur Mullard?
18:04Arthur who?
18:05He's on television.
18:08I haven't got a television.
18:09I haven't got a television.
18:10Well, never mind.
18:11What are you doing Saturday afternoon?
18:15Why?
18:16We want you to impersonate Arthur Mullard.
18:19What for?
18:20It's just to open a fate.
18:22It's for a very good cause.
18:24Oh, I don't know.
18:25It's only for half an hour and you'll be paid.
18:28How much?
18:29£2.50.
18:32£2.50?
18:34Not bad, eh?
18:35£2.50 for only half an hour's work.
18:37Very generous.
18:39Is that the sort of money this Arthur Mullard gets?
18:42Well, maybe he gets a bit more.
18:45£3 maybe.
18:46But you're just impersonating him.
18:49Do you think I could do it?
18:51Sure.
18:52You look a bit like him.
18:54Just speak a bit rougher.
18:56Rougher?
18:56This Arthur Mullard, who is very rough.
19:01Is he?
19:02He speaks just like a slob.
19:04A slob?
19:06That's because he's dick.
19:08Right.
19:09I'll tell you something, Curly.
19:10What's that?
19:11I am Arthur Mullard.
19:14Oh, that's good.
19:15He's getting into the parts.
19:18Bill?
19:20Yes, Arthur?
19:21Tell these two books who I am.
19:24Arthur Mullard.
19:26He really is Arthur Mullard.
19:38Slob, you call me.
19:40He didn't mean it.
19:42Well, I'll tell you something that I mean.
19:44You're a loud-mouthed, ignorant, spaghetti-eating twit.
19:50And it's only my good nature that stops me from punching your head in.
19:54Mr Mullard?
19:58What?
19:59Does this mean you won't be coming to open our feet?
20:02You must be joking.
20:06Now, look what you've done.
20:07You and your big mouth.
20:09Yeah, my big mouth?
20:10What about your big mouth?
20:11You started it.
20:12I tell you something.
20:15Arthur is right.
20:16You are an ignorant, spaghetti-eating twit.
20:19Listen, Shorty.
20:20You get up off your knees and say that.
20:23Don't you speak to me like that.
20:24I'm down to you.
20:25Push on me like that.
20:27Ah, push off.
20:27Is it raining in the office, Mr Brown?
20:37Hmm?
20:37No.
20:39No, I'm just checking it.
20:40I'm thinking of buying this.
20:41You know that it is unlucky to put up an umbrella indoors?
20:44Well, it's a good job I'm not superstitious.
20:48How's that?
20:50Oh, very nice.
20:52Well, you can take those and hand them out.
20:54Right.
20:54Now, I think it's time for people all going home.
20:57Well, that's funny.
20:59What is?
21:00I don't seem to be able to find my clothes.
21:02Oh, I'll help you look.
21:04It's a sort of tweed mixture with fur around the cuffs.
21:07And fur on the collar?
21:08Yes.
21:09Oh, dear.
21:10What's the matter?
21:12I thought everything on this rail was for the jumble sale.
21:16What have you done with my clothes?
21:19I'm afraid I sold it to Gladys for five pounds.
21:21You haven't done that?
21:23What?
21:23Yeah, but don't worry.
21:23I'll get it back.
21:26Sid.
21:26What?
21:27Where's Gladys?
21:27She's gone.
21:28Oh, great.
21:29Where does she live?
21:3029 Cornwood Terrace.
21:31Right.
21:31But wait a minute.
21:32If I know her, she'll be in the boozer.
21:35Finished.
21:36Good.
21:37Now, you be more careful next time.
21:39Here are your drinks.
21:40Cheers.
21:41Cheers.
21:41Cheers.
21:41Oh, dear.
21:42Oh, dear.
21:44Here.
21:44Oi.
21:45I shall have to go.
21:48Tonight, I'll see you.
21:49See you.
21:49Hello, boys.
21:50Hello, Gladys.
21:51Hello, Gladys.
21:52Oh, Gladys.
21:53Mr Brown?
21:54Where is it?
21:55Where's what?
21:56The coat you bought.
21:57I need it back.
21:57It's Miss Courtney's.
21:58The coat?
21:59Yeah.
22:00Oh, well, I've sold it.
22:01Sold it?
22:02Oh, too.
22:03Yeah.
22:03Leo, behind the bar.
22:05Oh, excuse me.
22:07Yes, sir.
22:08What do you want?
22:09A lady's coat.
22:11This may come as a shock to you, sir, but this is a pub, not a boutique.
22:16No, no, I mean, the coat Gladys sold you.
22:18I must have it back.
22:20Bit kinky, are you?
22:23Pardon?
22:23I've heard about fellas like you dressing up in women's clothes.
22:27I don't wear it.
22:28It's our school principals.
22:29I sold it to Gladys by mistake.
22:32Oh.
22:32Oh, all right.
22:34I'll go and get it.
22:36Hello, Bosch.
22:38What are you doing?
22:39It's a long story.
22:41Here you are.
22:43Oh, thank you.
22:44And here's your, uh, five pounds.
22:46Ten.
22:48Pardon?
22:48I bought it for ten.
22:50Oh, great.
22:51Ten.
22:52Ta.
22:54Hey, you want a drink, Professor?
22:56No, thanks.
22:56No time.
22:57I've got to get this coat back to Miss Courtney.
22:58I'll kiss the most beautiful girl in France.
23:22Of five feet.
23:24A wire kid.
23:25A half feet.
23:27Two kids.
23:28About fifty feet.
23:31Ooh.
23:32Miss Watson on the jumping stand.
23:35Jolly good.
23:35And be quicko.
23:36Um, we might sell a few before the official opening.
23:39Hello, Bosch.
23:40Oh, Max, where's Arthur Mallard?
23:42Well, it's like this, Bush.
23:44Maybe he's had an accident.
23:46Tell him, Maxie.
23:47What's the hell, Mabel?
23:48Down in the basement, we have a gymnasium.
23:51Very nice.
23:52Oh, Mr Brown.
23:54This is Mr Brown, our English teacher.
23:57How do you do?
23:58And you know Max, of course.
24:00Yes.
24:00Very good of you to come.
24:02Well, it's all in a good cause,
24:04and I couldn't let a mate down, could I?
24:06I told you she was a friend of mine.
24:12Well, come along now.
24:13It's time we opened the fete.
24:15Oh, well, Mr Pappadress,
24:16I wondered if you'd be awfully kind and get my coat for me.
24:18I think it's hanging on a rail in the office.
24:21Oh, no.
24:22Now, what's the matter?
24:23It doesn't matter.
24:24See you at the fete.
24:25Hey!
24:26Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:27Hey!
24:28Hey!
24:28Hey!
24:28Hey!
24:29Hey!
24:29Hey!
24:30Hey!
24:30Hey!
24:31Hey!
24:31Hey!
24:31Hey!
24:32Hey!
24:32Hey!
24:32Hey!
24:33Hey!
24:33Hey!
24:33Hey!
24:33Hey!
24:34Hey!
24:34Hey!
24:35Hey!
24:35Hey!
24:36Hey!
24:37Hey!
24:38Hey!
24:39Hey!
24:40Hey!
24:41Hey!
24:42Hey!
24:43Hey!
24:44Hey!
24:45Hey!
24:46Hey!
24:47Hey!
24:48Hey!
24:49Hey!
24:50Hey!
24:51Hey!
24:52Hey!
24:53Hey!
24:54Hey!
24:55Hey!
24:56Hey!
24:57Hey!
24:58Hey!
24:59Hey!
25:00Hey!
25:01Hey!
25:02Hey!
25:03Hey!
25:04Hey!
25:05Hey!