- 5/20/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Okay, so I want you to take a second and really imagine this scenario.
00:08You're with a bunch of friends.
00:09One of them dares you to eat not just one pubic hair,
00:12but the amount you'd find on a late 70s porn star.
00:16In other words, not just a carpet sample, the entire rug.
00:21What would you do at, what, $50?
00:23Then would you immortalize it and shame your family by posting it on the Internet?
00:27Well, would you?
00:30Oh, guys, that's a real fetish.
00:45You eat a lot of hair and then you poop it out.
00:47It's called caterpillaring.
00:48You guys never do that?
00:50You never do that?
00:51It's not...
00:52By the way, I want to underscore this.
00:55He did that for $50.
00:5750!
00:58Yeah, 50 bucks!
00:59I'm set for life!
01:04Uh, I don't think there is a word to describe the feeling of utter disgust that clip causes.
01:10Oh!
01:12That's the word!
01:14Thanks, goat!
01:16Uh, seriously, though, I'm not kidding.
01:17That might be the grossest thing we've ever shown on this program, and that is saying a lot.
01:21I'm going to need an extra-strong palate cleanser just to get that video out of my brain.
01:26How about, uh, I don't know, and I'm just spitballing stuff here.
01:28Uh, let's say a cat catching treats with its paws.
01:34Nah, it's adorable, but I'm still picturing that idiot with a mouthful of pubes.
01:38Uh...
01:38Quick!
01:40Give me the bagpipe cat!
01:49Now, all I see there is just an animal covered in pubes.
01:51It's not working!
01:53Crank up the cuteness to 11!
01:54What was I so upset about again?
02:20Thank you, preview window.
02:29All right, this is enough!
02:30It is time for the greatest web video ever this week!
02:41Tiny cars aren't just for Shriners anymore.
02:44Nowadays, sightings of children cruising around in miniature cars are as common as soup spinoffs.
02:48Unfortunately, every once in a while, a toddler will get behind the wheel after one too many juice boxes,
02:57and the results are tragically adorable.
02:59Take a mark there.
03:03Ha, ha, ha!
03:04Ha, ha, ha!
03:05Ha, ha, ha!
03:06Ha, ha, ha!
03:07Ha, ha, ha!
03:08Ha, ha, ha!
03:10Ha, ha, ha!
03:12Ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:14Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:17Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:21Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:36Good morning!
03:39Why would that little girl get in the car?
03:42I'm not gonna die just standing here!
03:44That kid's still gonna get pulled over
03:46You been drinking tonight, sir?
03:47No, officer, I just had a couple of breasts down at the mom
03:51I'm in tip-top shape
03:52I know, I know, it was very precious
03:55But it wasn't so cute when the Malibu police pulled him over
03:58That kid went on a nasty tirade
04:00Where he blamed the Jews for Brussels sprouts, bath time
04:03And controlling the banks
04:04All right, well, time for me to roll out of here
04:07I gotta hop on this freeway behind me
04:09Car's ready, Mr. Hardwick
04:10There's a sawbuck for you, Mitch
04:11Thanks for coming
04:11Thanks for watching
04:17You can follow us on Twitter
04:19We're at WebSoup, I'm Nerdist
04:20And also, we're on the podcast on iTunes
04:23Good night
04:23Look out!
04:33Today on WebSoup
04:35We introduce Grandma and Grandpa to the Internet
04:38Oh, you're terrific
04:39And engage in a little oversharing
04:42Plus, wieners on keyboards
04:47And wieners in traction
04:49Then, peel back your eyelids and wieners for
04:51Things you can't unsee
04:53Right here on WebSoup
04:55Hi, everybody
04:58Welcome to WebSoup
05:00If it's happening in the non-German pornography part of the Internet
05:03You'll find it here
05:04All right, the show has lost its keys
05:07And they always say to retrace your steps
05:09So, I'm gonna start back at the beginning with
05:11Firsties
05:13Women
05:16They're harder to read than Courtney Love's tweets
05:18I did say tweets, right?
05:21I said tweets?
05:22All right, cool
05:23Actually, I think Courtney Love was a dirty word in that phrase
05:25But don't worry, guys
05:28The women in this next viral can teach us a lesson in understanding the female mind
05:32You see, her husband once played a prank on her and posted it on the interwebs
05:35And if I'm not mistaken
05:36What she's trying to communicate to him here is that she did not appreciate that
05:40I'm not gonna give you guys any setup
05:42I'm not gonna do anything
05:44But you just better hold on to your nuts
05:48Because I'm gonna whack them
05:49He just used this a little while ago
05:52That's what you get, bitch
06:10Snap, bitch
06:15That guy's got the world's first known case of plumbers crack
06:19In the front
06:20But, uh, I have to say
06:23They do seem perfect for each other
06:24I mean, how do you do it, eHarmony?
06:26How do you do it?
06:30All right, quick quiz
06:31What would you rather abuse?
06:32Your ego or your cerebellum?
06:33If you answered,
06:34Aw, can't I do both?
06:36Then this segment is just for you
06:37In the olden days
06:45When you would try to smash a guitar over your head
06:47It would shatter into a million pieces
06:49And tinkle harmlessly to the floor
06:50But, in the newen days
06:52With modern wood technology
06:54Guitars are infinitely tougher
06:57Heads, however, are still quite soft
06:59Keep doing it again
07:01Do it again
07:03Now
07:04Now
07:06Do it
07:07Yeah
07:08Wait, wait, wait, wait
07:11I think it's working
07:19Yeah
07:22Says some other kid's face
07:29Just out of screen
07:30That you can't see
07:31I bet that kid's super psyched
07:32For the release of Activision's
07:33Guitard Hero
07:35Say, if you're ever riding a Goku
07:41And it suddenly turns into a stop cart
07:43Make sure you go completely limp
07:44Not that there's any inherent safety value there
07:47It just looks really awesome when you do
07:48I'm all right
08:07Oh, you said it wouldn't happen
08:10Shit
08:13You okay, I'm okay
08:16He was
08:18It was a perfect
08:18I don't know, though
08:19Did that okay
08:20Did I'm okay smack of genuine surprise?
08:23Like
08:23Yeah, normally when I do this trick
08:25I'm in an ICU for three weeks
08:26And I have to relearn how to use
08:27Oh, what do you call
08:29The food-stabbing dinglehopper?
08:33But this time
08:34I didn't go all brains dead
08:36Sweet
08:36Speaking of motor-assisted near suicide
08:42Our next segment is dedicated to the man who longs for the open road
08:45Who loved the feeling of the wind in his hair
08:47But who finds normal-sized motorcycles are a little scary
08:50This is Tiny Bikes Big Dreams
08:53What exactly do you call a daredevil on a pocket bike?
09:04A coward?
09:05A stunt chicken?
09:06A dare dildo?
09:07I'm not sure
09:07But here's a video of one boldly attempting to conquer a ramp
09:11That is nearly half as high as a standard mailbox
09:13I know, I know what you're thinking
09:28He failed miserably
09:30But I say not true
09:31The brakes on that particular model pocket bike
09:33Are actually located on the palms and base
09:35Now, one of the first rules of motorcycle safety is
09:40Always turn your lights on
09:41That way you can see if you're about to ride into a flaming wall
09:43All right, prepare, get the water
09:50Well, hey, that was fun
10:06Wait a minute
10:08What happened to that sidecar full of adorable kittens?
10:10Why is everything I love so flammable when I drive through a flaming wall of boxes?
10:22All right, and now we're going to let these advertisers have their way with you
10:25But when we come back, we get sloppy seconds
10:28Coming up on WebSoup
10:32I scream, you scream, we all scream for Primal Scream Therapy
10:36And later, all the crotch injuries that $300 can buy
10:40Hi, I'm Chris Arbuck and welcome back to WebSoup
10:48Each week I set aside a few hours to color code and alphabetize viral videos
10:53But some are so enigmatic, so strange, so completely swaddled in a blanket of
10:57That they defy any type of categorization
11:00Those strange orphans are then tossed into a burlap sack in my trunk labeled
11:04WTF
11:05Old people are wise
11:22Also, cranky, racist, and terrible at driving tractor trailers
11:25But wise
11:26And the great thing about the internet is how it can reveal the wisdom senior citizens have earned
11:31From a lifetime of rich, rewarding experiences
11:33Which, uh, somehow brings us to Professor Weirdo
11:37Hey, can I have a bite?
11:59Nooo!
12:01Oh, you tricked me!
12:02You think that's a trick?
12:03I'll show you a good one!
12:04What do you mean?
12:05What did you say?
12:06You look great!
12:07You know that?
12:08Oh, really?
12:09Yeah!
12:10Oh!
12:11Oh!
12:12Oh, my goodness!
12:13Oh, wow!
12:14Oh!
12:15Oh!
12:16Oh!
12:17Oh!
12:18Oh!
12:19Oh!
12:20Oh!
12:21Oh!
12:22Oh!
12:23Oh!
12:24Oh!
12:25Oh!
12:26Oh!
12:27Oh!
12:28Oh!
12:29So that's how you occupy your time
12:31Once your reproductive organs stop working
12:33Making cocoon fetish porn
12:39Primal scream therapy is about the process of acting out traumatic experiences from your past
12:51Well, get ready to reenact what you're about to see a few years down the road
12:55because this next viral video is kind of like that creepy uncle
12:58who waits until everyone else is taking a nap following Thanksgiving dinner,
13:01and then he's like,
13:01Don't tell anyone I'm going to put my hands on you, Chris Hardwick.
13:06No, I don't want to leave me alone.
13:08No, I don't want to leave me alone.
13:10What are you talking about?
13:11What is that smell?
13:12I can't believe you're going to say the word.
13:16Please don't go.
13:18No, please.
13:19Please don't leave, Mommy.
13:21Please don't go.
13:23No.
13:23Julie, I have to go with that.
13:25No.
13:28It all started.
13:33This whole thing began in the primal scream therapy group.
13:37At first, I felt completely inept.
13:39One woman was stalking me and screaming,
13:42I hate you.
13:43I hate men.
13:45And I miss you, Daddy, you bastard.
13:47I'm going to cut your off.
13:49And a man in the group would take this and run with it.
13:52I'm bad.
13:53I'm a man.
13:55I hate my penis.
14:01Yeah, no, you know, you laugh, but I'm the one who looks like an idiot,
14:04because that's exactly what my one-man show looked like.
14:061981.
14:07The young boy is trying to watch his favorite Sid and Marty Croft program.
14:18I told you to turn that off.
14:19I told you to turn that off.
14:21I know you.
14:22You're my father.
14:25Take that, insecurity.
14:28Can you see what's inside the pillow?
14:31Take that, loneliness.
14:32I'm having a boy.
14:34Take that, Michael Bay.
14:37Chup, chup.
14:38Chup, chup.
14:42Bag!
14:45Oh, penis.
14:47I hate you.
14:48You are the cause of so many women's orgasms.
14:53Stop struggling.
14:57Just let it happen.
15:00Why do I kill everything I love?
15:06No, Joel McHale.
15:07No, Joel McHale.
15:23No, Joel McHale.
15:35You're hosting a spin-off of my show.
15:48When WebSoup returns, we unleash the greatest web video ever.
15:52This week.
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