Kevin James Doyle: Fool Proof 2025 Storytelling

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Kevin James Doyle: Fool Proof 2025 Storytelling  Title: Kevin James Doyle: Fool Proof  Release Year: 2025  Genre: Comedy, Storytelling  Runtime: 1 hour 8 minutes  Director: Jonathan Frey  Kevin James Doyle's "Fool Proof" is a live comedy special filmed at New York City's Soho Playhouse. The story revolves around themes of love, risk and reward, incorporating elements of theater history, motorcycles and green cards. Doyle weaves a jaw-dropping tale with an unforgettable conclusion.   Cast: Kevin James Doyle*: Comedian and storyteller  Michael Gorman: Part of the production team  #KevinJamesDoyle, #FoolProof, #ComedySpecial, #Storytelling, #LiveComedy, #NewComedy2025, #movies, #film, #movie, #cinema, #films, #hollywood, #actor, #s, #love, #art, #cinematography, #netflix, #horror, #actress, #moviescenes, #music, #filmmaking, #cinephile, #tv, #horrormovies, #bollywood, #comedy, #movienight, #photography, #cine, #instagood, #instagram, #director, #moviereview, #drama, #AdultMovies, #RomanceMovies, #SexMovies, #XXX, #XX,

Transcript

00:00:30So the beginning of comedy shows can be kind of weird sometimes because you don't know

00:00:43if it'll be funny.

00:00:44So, I mean, if it's not, it could just be weird and sad and tragic.

00:00:52Hopefully it's not, but...

00:00:54My friend, before his shows, he's a musician.

00:01:00He gathers the whole band and they pray.

00:01:03And I was backstage at one of his shows and I was just stealing granola bars for later.

00:01:08And then he looked at me and he's like, Kevin, will you lead us in prayer?

00:01:11And I was like, like now?

00:01:13He's like, yeah.

00:01:13I was like, uh, yeah, God, hey, I pray that the audience enjoys the show and the band

00:01:21does a good job and I pray that you have a good time.

00:01:25And my friend looked at me and he was like, you just prayed God would have a good time?

00:01:31Then he walked on stage and then I went out to watch the show and my parents were there.

00:01:35They're like, how's the band?

00:01:37And I was like, they made fun of my prayer.

00:01:40And I told my mom what I said.

00:01:42And moms always take their son's side.

00:01:43She's like, well, I think that it's nice that you were thinking about God's feelings.

00:01:50So, you know, in honor of that, I'm, you know, everyone bow their heads, please.

00:01:54Close your eyes.

00:01:56You know, God, I pray that the audience enjoys the show and finds it funny.

00:02:01You know, I pray that I'm funny.

00:02:03That's important for a comedy show, but more important than anything, you know, you got

00:02:08a lot of stuff on your plate, punishing people and rewarding people.

00:02:12Kick back, relax, and have a great time tonight, okay?

00:02:17Amen.

00:02:21Yeah.

00:02:22Is that the first comedy show you've been to that started with a prayer?

00:02:25I think, uh, yeah.

00:02:28Uh, did anybody get spanked growing up?

00:02:30Yeah, yeah.

00:02:32I, uh, I got spanked with a paddle growing up.

00:02:35That was our, that, that, and it's weird because I feel like in the 50s, they just beat the shit

00:02:40out of kids.

00:02:41They just, a belt, anything that was around, they'd be like, blah, shut up, right?

00:02:44And now, no one gets spanked.

00:02:47I lived in this transitional period where we were spanked with a paddle that had a cute little

00:02:52name.

00:02:54Ours was called the Attitude Adjuster.

00:02:56If we got in trouble, my dad would be like, we're going to get the Attitude Adjuster, and

00:03:00I've talked to other people, and they had paddles with names as well.

00:03:04Uh, one person I talked to said theirs was called the Board of Education.

00:03:07And then I talked to another person, and they had a paddle called, swear to God, Mommy's

00:03:15Hand.

00:03:16It was in the shape of a hand, and it said Mommy's Hand on it, and then their mom would

00:03:22take it and spank them.

00:03:23I'm like, she has a hand.

00:03:24That's a hat on a hat.

00:03:26Just use Mommy's regular hand.

00:03:28Okay?

00:03:28And now, none of those paddles are used to hit kids now.

00:03:32Now they're all sold in BDSM shops to spank adults with.

00:03:37All right?

00:03:37So if there's any kids that are still getting spanked out there, this is how it will be

00:03:41the last time you ever get spanked.

00:03:43All right?

00:03:43If you do something wrong, your dad's like, I'm going to get the Attitude Adjuster.

00:03:47It's going to hurt, but you just focus.

00:03:48You fight through the pain.

00:03:49And when your dad spanks you, you just look back and say, oh, have I been a naughty boy,

00:03:54daddy?

00:03:54He'll be like, whoa, never doing that again.

00:03:56Wow.

00:03:58This family will use diplomacy henceforth for punishment.

00:04:04I was always annoyed because I don't know what happened when my parents did something wrong.

00:04:11They didn't get in trouble.

00:04:13I caught my mom in a lie one time.

00:04:15This is what happened.

00:04:15I was on the baseball team, and I was like, I don't want to play on the team anymore.

00:04:20And she's like, all right, I'll call the coach.

00:04:22So I quit the team, and the next day at school, I walked in, and this one kid who was

00:04:26on the team was like, hey, man, hope your shoulder's better.

00:04:29Everybody's praying for you.

00:04:31So I went home and asked my mom.

00:04:32I'm like, what'd you tell the coach?

00:04:34She's like, well, I told him that you injured your shoulder.

00:04:36And I was like, why?

00:04:37That's a lie.

00:04:38And she said, well, it was the only way I could get the $75 fee back.

00:04:42And I was like, so you lied?

00:04:46That's wrong.

00:04:47You're not supposed to lie.

00:04:49And my mom, she was like, Kevin, there are bad lies.

00:04:53And there aren't many, but there are some good lies.

00:04:56I'm like, mom, a good lie is like, no, officer, there are no Jews in our basement.

00:05:02Not my son injured his shoulder, so can we have $75 back?

00:05:06Yeah, I went to school for musical theater.

00:05:12Are there any theater majors in the building?

00:05:13Anybody?

00:05:14Ow!

00:05:14Got a few, right?

00:05:16See, I wanted to study theater, serious acting.

00:05:19And then they were like, we will give you a scholarship if you study musical theater instead

00:05:24of just regular theater.

00:05:26And I was like, all right.

00:05:28So I went to school for musical theater, all right?

00:05:30So I went to school for musical theater, all right?

00:05:37Because they said, we will pay you $15,000 a year if you do musical theater.

00:05:42So I was like, what does that mean?

00:05:44And they're like, you take all the regular theater classes, and then on top of that, you

00:05:47have to take dance classes and singing lessons.

00:05:51And I was like, all right.

00:05:52So I still get to take all the regular theater classes.

00:05:55They're like, yeah.

00:05:55I had to take dance classes.

00:05:56I don't know if there's anyone in the room who is not a dancer, who has had to get in

00:06:01front of groups of people and dance.

00:06:03It's very vulnerable and very embarrassing, okay?

00:06:07I was in this one class, jazz dance, with Jody Welch.

00:06:12She was a very strict teacher.

00:06:14And I had to get a beat or else I didn't pass and then move on to the next year of school.

00:06:18So I'm like practicing choreography.

00:06:20And then I have to get up in front of 25 people and do it alone.

00:06:23So I'm just like, all right, step, ball, change, step, ball, change, pirouette, shimmy.

00:06:29Step, ball, change, practice.

00:06:31And watch this.

00:06:31Look, look, I can do a pirouette.

00:06:33Ready?

00:06:38Yeah.

00:06:39I learned that in college, right?

00:06:41So I had the pirouette down.

00:06:42I had the step, ball, change.

00:06:44And then I got to the shimmy.

00:06:45And it's at the very end, right?

00:06:46So I do the whole thing.

00:06:47Da, da, da, pirouette, shimmy.

00:06:49And this is my shimmy.

00:06:50I just go up and I'm like.

00:06:50Nailing it.

00:06:55And my dance teacher just starts laughing, like maniacally.

00:06:59And I was like, what are you laughing at?

00:07:00She's like, Kevin, a shimmy is this.

00:07:02It's just shoulders.

00:07:04Just relax.

00:07:05It's just shoulders.

00:07:06There's no arms.

00:07:07Just shoulders.

00:07:08I was like, all right.

00:07:08She's like, do it one more time.

00:07:10And she's like, had her grade book out.

00:07:12And then I went.

00:07:12And I was like, step, ball, change, step, ball, change, pirouette, shimmy.

00:07:18I was like, am I doing it?

00:07:19And she's like, you're not doing it.

00:07:20And I was like, she's just laughing.

00:07:22The whole class is laughing.

00:07:23I'm like, I never asked for this.

00:07:25I want to go to school for regular theater.

00:07:33This is my favorite class.

00:07:34My favorite class was the history of modern drama.

00:07:39Because we got to study all the great plays throughout history.

00:07:42It was awesome.

00:07:43Starting like 3,000 years ago.

00:07:45All the great tragedies.

00:07:46All the great comedies.

00:07:48It was wonderful.

00:07:49I'm going to take a sip of water.

00:07:50I shimmied too hard.

00:07:53I shimmied too close to the sun, people.

00:07:59One more.

00:07:59So, we read this book by Plato, the philosopher.

00:08:08And it was.

00:08:10What?

00:08:13Is that funny?

00:08:15He's a philosopher, right?

00:08:17Okay.

00:08:18So, in drama school.

00:08:21In drama school, we read Plato, the philosopher.

00:08:24And he talked about Plato.

00:08:27Am I saying Play-Doh instead?

00:08:29Is that funny?

00:08:29Okay.

00:08:30So, in it, he talks about the origins of comedy.

00:08:343,000 years ago, Plato said this about comedy.

00:08:37Comedy was developed in Athens at the Phallus Festivals.

00:08:42These are festivals where men got up and made jokes about their penis.

00:08:463,000.

00:08:47Dude, stand-up is usually just guys on stage talking about their dick.

00:08:503,000 years, no development in comedy.

00:08:53Still the same old shit, okay?

00:08:56Then, he spends the rest of the book talking about tragedy.

00:09:00And where tragedy came from and the nature of it.

00:09:02So, we were reading that.

00:09:03We were talking about it.

00:09:03And then, we read all of Shakespeare's tragedies.

00:09:07Right?

00:09:08And I don't want to spoil anything, but do you guys know how tragedies end?

00:09:13Everybody dies.

00:09:14Every time, everybody dies.

00:09:16And like Elizabeth, in times they're like,

00:09:18I wonder what's going to happen to King Lear.

00:09:19And they're like, I fucking know already, right?

00:09:21So, but they don't die for just random reasons.

00:09:25No, they die because the lead character has a tragic flaw.

00:09:29Something that leads to their demise and the demise of everyone around them.

00:09:33For example, Macbeth.

00:09:35He wants to be king.

00:09:36He's very ambitious.

00:09:37And he is so ambitious because he wants to be king so bad that what happens?

00:09:43He dies and everyone else dies.

00:09:45And then, you leave the theater.

00:09:46You're like, not going to be so ambitious, you know?

00:09:49Got to watch out.

00:09:51Othello.

00:09:52Othello is jealous.

00:09:54He loves Desdemona so much.

00:09:56But then, he gets jealous.

00:09:57And what happens to Desdemona?

00:09:58Desdemona, she dies and he dies and everyone else dies.

00:10:03So, better not be so jealous, you know?

00:10:07Hamlet.

00:10:08The greatest play ever written.

00:10:10Shakespeare's greatest tragedy.

00:10:12What is Hamlet's tragic flaw?

00:10:13Does anyone know?

00:10:15This is in our textbook.

00:10:18Hamlet's tragic flaw was procrastination.

00:10:22Procrastination.

00:10:26Oh, yes.

00:10:27The great tragic flaws.

00:10:29Ambition.

00:10:30Jealousy.

00:10:31And waiting a little bit.

00:10:35That's it?

00:10:37Procrastination?

00:10:38This is how my mind thinks.

00:10:40Literally, I read that play and then we talked about that.

00:10:42And any time, like, I wake up in the morning and I hit the snooze button, I'm like,

00:10:45I'm going back.

00:10:46It's a little Hamlet-y of you.

00:10:48Huh?

00:10:48I don't know.

00:10:51This is what happens.

00:10:52Uh, Hamlet's uncle kills his dad and then Hamlet is supposed to take revenge and kill

00:11:00his uncle.

00:11:00But instead, he's like, to be or not to be, that is the question.

00:11:04And they're like, come on, stop with this beautiful language.

00:11:07You're supposed to be murdering your uncle right now.

00:11:10And then what happens to Hamlet?

00:11:12He dies and everyone else dies.

00:11:13But guess what?

00:11:14Macbeth was a shitty dude.

00:11:16Hamlet was a good guy.

00:11:19Isn't that fucked up?

00:11:20That made me so mad.

00:11:23All right.

00:11:23Here's some real tragedies in real life.

00:11:27These people didn't deserve what happened.

00:11:29Okay.

00:11:29This really happened.

00:11:30There's this guy who saw a Picasso painting when he was young.

00:11:35And he said, I want to own that painting one day.

00:11:37And so he became a billionaire.

00:11:38And then he purchased the painting.

00:11:41And not only that, but he made the most expensive show in Las Vegas history all about this painting

00:11:46that he loved called Le Reve, the dream.

00:11:48And then someone came up to him and said, I want to buy this painting off you for $150 million,

00:11:54the most expensive private art sale in the history of humankind.

00:11:56So he gets the painting out for one last time to look at it and observe it.

00:12:01He brings up some of his friends and he says, here is my painting.

00:12:05And then he turns around and he puts his elbow through the painting.

00:12:11Yeah.

00:12:13Now, what was his tragic flaw?

00:12:16Maybe.

00:12:17Ooh.

00:12:17Maybe he was drinking.

00:12:19Maybe if it was a play, you'd see him drinking the whole time and he'd be like,

00:12:21this is going to come back to bite you in the butt, guy.

00:12:23And then he's drunk and he puts his arm through.

00:12:26That would be pretty good, right?

00:12:27No, he wasn't drunk.

00:12:29He was completely sober.

00:12:30His tragic flaw is that he was blind.

00:12:37He had a degenerative eye disease called retinosa pigmentosis.

00:12:41And he lost his sight over the course of his life.

00:12:44And so he couldn't see anymore.

00:12:47And then he destroyed the painting that he loved.

00:12:49That is, that's so tragic, it's funny.

00:12:54You know what I mean?

00:12:55That's funny.

00:12:56And if that seems mean, don't worry.

00:12:58He's not going to see this, okay?

00:13:00Even if he buys a ticket and sits in the front row, he's not going to see this, okay?

00:13:08This is way more sad.

00:13:09If you think that's sad, this one, next one, way more sad.

00:13:13I came home from school.

00:13:14I'm watching Dr. Phil.

00:13:18I'm watching Dr. Phil give some of his classic tough love.

00:13:21Hey, man, you got to get your life together.

00:13:23Come on, right?

00:13:24And then this couple is on.

00:13:26And this couple is happily married.

00:13:28They love each other very much.

00:13:29But then they got some information that made them, is affecting their marriage.

00:13:33And they don't know what to do with it.

00:13:34So they go on Dr. Phil, and they start describing that they looked into their family history,

00:13:39and they found out that they were separated at birth, and they were actually brother and sister.

00:13:47Yeah.

00:13:49That's just sad.

00:13:52That's so tragic.

00:13:55The only thing that's funny about that

00:13:57is that they chose to go on Dr. Phil.

00:14:02for advice.

00:14:05Like, what is Dr. Phil

00:14:07going to tell them

00:14:08that's going to change that?

00:14:10It was just like,

00:14:11Hey, man, come on.

00:14:12You got to communicate with your wife.

00:14:14I mean,

00:14:15your sister.

00:14:16What the fuck is going on right now?

00:14:18Why are you guys on national television?

00:14:20You divorce quietly.

00:14:22You don't tell a soul.

00:14:24And you live

00:14:25with the fact that this is a

00:14:27broken, fallen, sad world

00:14:30that we live in.

00:14:32We're going to go to commercial.

00:14:35We'll see you later.

00:14:35Okay.

00:14:39Incest.

00:14:42Accidental incest.

00:14:44It's happened to the best of us,

00:14:45you know?

00:14:47It's really the second worst type of incest.

00:14:51Accidental incest.

00:14:52Number one being purposeful incest,

00:14:55but it's a close second.

00:14:59That's what,

00:15:00that's what,

00:15:01Oh, does this offend you?

00:15:03No, I'm kidding.

00:15:03She's like,

00:15:07Hey, I'm married to my brother

00:15:08and everything's perfect.

00:15:09I'm just kidding.

00:15:10I'm just joking.

00:15:10All right.

00:15:13So does anyone know

00:15:14the very first great tragedy?

00:15:16Anybody?

00:15:18It has,

00:15:18I'll give you a hint.

00:15:19It has to do with incest.

00:15:21Oedipus.

00:15:22Oedipus.

00:15:22You got it.

00:15:23Oedipus.

00:15:23Written by Sophocles.

00:15:25Yes.

00:15:26Now here's the plot of Oedipus.

00:15:27It was written 3,000 years ago,

00:15:29a long time ago.

00:15:30And Oedipus is the king.

00:15:33And this oracle comes out

00:15:34and he's just like,

00:15:35Hey, Oedipus,

00:15:36you are going to kill your father

00:15:39and marry your mother.

00:15:41And he's like,

00:15:41What?

00:15:42I don't want to do that.

00:15:43And so he goes to a new town

00:15:45and then he grows up.

00:15:46And then as he's an adult,

00:15:47he goes to another town.

00:15:49He's walking down the street

00:15:50and this guy gets in a fight

00:15:51and then he kills the guy by accident,

00:15:54but he kills him, right?

00:15:55Then he gets to a new town

00:15:56and he's like,

00:15:57This girl's cute.

00:15:58And they get married

00:15:58and then the oracle pops out.

00:15:59It's like,

00:16:00Ha ha!

00:16:01That was your father.

00:16:02And this is your mother.

00:16:04And he's like,

00:16:05Ah, I did it!

00:16:07Shit!

00:16:10This is not part of the show,

00:16:12but this is him stabbing his eyes out,

00:16:14not jerking off two dicks

00:16:16and coming all over himself.

00:16:17Ha ha!

00:16:21Did anybody think that besides me?

00:16:23Oh, yeah.

00:16:24Okay, thank God.

00:16:25I just...

00:16:26Woo!

00:16:26I'm sorry, Jeremy.

00:16:29Jeremy, my cinematographer,

00:16:30was like,

00:16:30I love that this show

00:16:31doesn't have any dick jokes.

00:16:32That was not on purpose.

00:16:35Okay, so,

00:16:36we're focused.

00:16:37We're focused.

00:16:38We're focused!

00:16:39Okay, so,

00:16:40he stabs his eyes out, right?

00:16:42But here's the thing.

00:16:43What better reason is there

00:16:45to go to a different town

00:16:46and avoid your fate

00:16:47than if someone was like,

00:16:48You're gonna kill your father

00:16:49and marry your mother.

00:16:49He's like,

00:16:50I gotta do something about this.

00:16:51I gotta take action.

00:16:52So he takes action

00:16:53and by taking action,

00:16:55he sets his fate into motion.

00:16:57Right?

00:16:57And what is his tragic flaw?

00:17:01Pride.

00:17:02That's what they say.

00:17:03It's pride.

00:17:04The pride to think

00:17:05that you can outrun the fate

00:17:08which was given to you

00:17:09by the gods.

00:17:11That's fucked up!

00:17:12Do you know what Oedipus

00:17:13needed to do?

00:17:15Procrastinate.

00:17:17If only he would've

00:17:18procrastinated,

00:17:19this would've never happened.

00:17:21They're like,

00:17:21You're gonna kill your father.

00:17:22He's like,

00:17:22I gotta get out of this town.

00:17:23But I don't know,

00:17:24I have to find a new apartment.

00:17:25This girl's so cute.

00:17:28We relate on so many

00:17:29different levels.

00:17:30I should ask her out.

00:17:31I'll do it tomorrow.

00:17:32He would've been saved!

00:17:35So if you procrastinate

00:17:36and don't do anything,

00:17:37you're fucked.

00:17:39If you take action

00:17:39and do stuff,

00:17:40you're fucked.

00:17:40You gotta find

00:17:41the perfect middle.

00:17:42Right in the middle.

00:17:43That's where life is sweet.

00:17:45Okay?

00:17:47But Oedipus' plot

00:17:48is so weird

00:17:50that if you take out

00:17:52the violence,

00:17:52it almost just feels

00:17:53like a 90s sitcom.

00:17:55It's like,

00:17:55the one where Joey

00:17:57marries his mom!

00:17:59Jerry!

00:18:01Jerry!

00:18:02She's very perfect!

00:18:04I love her very much!

00:18:06It's just one problem!

00:18:07What's the problem?

00:18:08Is it a big problem?

00:18:10Very big!

00:18:12Very big problem!

00:18:15How I Met Your Mother?

00:18:16How I Met Your Mother?

00:18:23I was talking to someone.

00:18:26Someone said

00:18:27that I was pretentious.

00:18:28Okay?

00:18:29Could you have told

00:18:31from the past

00:18:31ten minutes

00:18:32of my comedy?

00:18:34Yeah, they said

00:18:35I was pretentious

00:18:35because this was

00:18:36the question.

00:18:36We were just at a bar

00:18:37and he was like,

00:18:38what is

00:18:39your favorite thing

00:18:41in all of art?

00:18:42Anything ever?

00:18:43I was like,

00:18:44I don't get the question.

00:18:44He's like,

00:18:44like mine?

00:18:45Mine is

00:18:46key changes.

00:18:47In a song,

00:18:48there's a key change.

00:18:50That's my favorite thing.

00:18:51Then the other person

00:18:52is like,

00:18:52my favorite thing,

00:18:53I gotta say it,

00:18:54it's, you know,

00:18:55it's car chases.

00:18:56An action movie

00:18:57with car chases,

00:18:57that's like

00:18:58what gets my soul singing.

00:19:00Okay?

00:19:01Mine,

00:19:01I said,

00:19:02you know,

00:19:02I gotta be honest,

00:19:03I think mine is

00:19:04when they say

00:19:05the name of a play

00:19:06in the play.

00:19:10They were like,

00:19:10that's the most

00:19:11pretentious thing

00:19:12I've ever heard.

00:19:13And I was like,

00:19:13but it's true!

00:19:14I love it!

00:19:15When it happens,

00:19:16I get so happy.

00:19:18Okay,

00:19:18like,

00:19:18here's one.

00:19:19All My Sons,

00:19:20it's an Arthur Miller play,

00:19:21okay?

00:19:22And it's called

00:19:22All My Sons,

00:19:23and it's about this guy

00:19:24who cuts a bunch of corners

00:19:25in this factory

00:19:26with the plane parts.

00:19:28And then the plane parts

00:19:28go into these planes,

00:19:29and then

00:19:30a bunch of planes

00:19:32go down

00:19:33with these young pilots

00:19:34in them,

00:19:34and all the kids die.

00:19:36Okay?

00:19:36And then,

00:19:37over the course of the play,

00:19:39the lead character

00:19:39realizes and reckons

00:19:41with the fact

00:19:41that it was his

00:19:42cutting corners

00:19:44in the factory

00:19:44that led to their deaths.

00:19:46And he just looks out

00:19:47and he says,

00:19:48those boys,

00:19:48they were all

00:19:50My Sons.

00:19:52And I'm like,

00:19:54that's the name

00:19:56of the play!

00:19:58That's fucking awesome!

00:20:02Streetcar Named Desire?

00:20:03In Streetcar Named Desire,

00:20:05Tennessee Williams play,

00:20:06Blanche Dubois

00:20:07moved from a different town

00:20:09down to New Orleans,

00:20:10okay?

00:20:10And then her first line

00:20:12in the play,

00:20:12they're like,

00:20:13how'd you get down here?

00:20:14And she just says

00:20:14the real directions

00:20:15to how she would have

00:20:16gotten down there

00:20:16even in real life.

00:20:18She just says,

00:20:18I took the Streetcar Named Desire,

00:20:20got off on Cemetery,

00:20:22got off at Elysian Fields.

00:20:25You're like,

00:20:25huh, that's funny,

00:20:26that's the name of the play.

00:20:27It must be important.

00:20:29And then later,

00:20:29you realize,

00:20:31Streetcar Named Desire,

00:20:33Cemetery,

00:20:33Elysian Fields.

00:20:35She's gonna die!

00:20:36This is gonna lead

00:20:37to her death!

00:20:38And then,

00:20:38guess what?

00:20:39It's a tragic ending!

00:20:40And you're like,

00:20:40that was fucking awesome!

00:20:42Yes!

00:20:43He told me right up top!

00:20:45That's two layers!

00:20:47Two layers!

00:20:48Have you guys ever

00:20:49tried to write something

00:20:49with two layers?

00:20:51Have you ever written

00:20:52an email and, like,

00:20:53you can't even get it out?

00:20:54You're just like,

00:20:54hi, Brian,

00:20:55I wanted to inquire about,

00:20:57uh, how are you doing?

00:20:58Hope that,

00:20:58that's one layer!

00:20:59I can't even write an email

00:21:00with one layer

00:21:01half the time!

00:21:03I want to write something

00:21:03with two layers!

00:21:05Have you ever seen

00:21:06someone so excited

00:21:07about metaphors?

00:21:08I'm just like,

00:21:08yes!

00:21:09I love a simile

00:21:10but a metaphor!

00:21:12Get the like and the as!

00:21:13Out!

00:21:14I want it all!

00:21:17Alright,

00:21:18this is the triple lutz

00:21:19of theater.

00:21:20It's very hard to do.

00:21:21It could only be done

00:21:22maybe by one person.

00:21:23Eugene O'Neill.

00:21:25Okay?

00:21:25That is when you say

00:21:26the name of the play

00:21:27as the last line

00:21:30of the play.

00:21:32Slow fade to black.

00:21:34Very difficult.

00:21:36Okay?

00:21:36But Eugene O'Neill

00:21:37died.

00:21:38He left a script

00:21:38in his will and testament

00:21:40and it said

00:21:41it's dedicated to his wife.

00:21:43It was too painful

00:21:43for him to see

00:21:44during his lifetime

00:21:45because it's about

00:21:46his mother's morphine addiction

00:21:47and it's about

00:21:47his brother's alcoholism

00:21:49and a strained relationship

00:21:50with his father

00:21:51and it's four and a half

00:21:53hours long

00:21:53and they put it up

00:21:54and it became

00:21:55his masterpiece.

00:21:57And at the end

00:21:57of the play

00:21:58his mother's

00:21:58at the edge

00:21:59of the stage

00:21:59and she says

00:22:00surely this was

00:22:02a long day's journey

00:22:05into night.

00:22:20That's not how the play ends

00:22:21actually.

00:22:21They actually never say

00:22:22long day's journey

00:22:23into night

00:22:24in long day's journey

00:22:25into night

00:22:25so I misled you.

00:22:27I apologize.

00:22:29I just needed

00:22:29a third thing

00:22:30to end that joke

00:22:31so I made it up.

00:22:35But this is true.

00:22:36This is true.

00:22:37I'm just saying

00:22:38like I want to do

00:22:38serious,

00:22:39serious stuff.

00:22:40The whole first half

00:22:41that's all comedy

00:22:42and everything

00:22:42but I want to do

00:22:43tragedy,

00:22:45serious theater

00:22:46but

00:22:47got to do comedy.

00:22:49you know

00:22:49that's what I do.

00:22:54I got a motorcycle

00:22:55a few years ago.

00:22:58I made this decision

00:22:59the way I make

00:22:59a lot of decisions

00:23:00just very quickly

00:23:02and without thinking.

00:23:03I just walked past

00:23:04some people

00:23:04that had motorcycles

00:23:06and I was like

00:23:07I'm getting a fucking

00:23:08motorcycle!

00:23:09So I went home

00:23:10I got on

00:23:11Facebook Marketplace

00:23:12and then I got it

00:23:12and then the next day

00:23:13I borrowed my friend's car

00:23:14and he drove out with me

00:23:15and we bought the motorcycle

00:23:16with cash

00:23:17and then he rode it back

00:23:18because he knows

00:23:18how to ride it

00:23:19and we go right

00:23:20to Red Hook, Brooklyn

00:23:20and then I'm in shorts

00:23:23and I don't have

00:23:23a helmet yet

00:23:24but I just want to

00:23:24feel what it feels like

00:23:26to get on.

00:23:27I sat on there

00:23:28and I was like

00:23:28I got a motorcycle.

00:23:31You know?

00:23:33And then he showed me

00:23:33the clutch

00:23:34and he showed me

00:23:34the brake

00:23:35and the throttle

00:23:36and how to put it

00:23:37into gear

00:23:38and then by accident

00:23:39I put it into first gear

00:23:40and it just jerked forward

00:23:41and I was like

00:23:42ah!

00:23:42Ah!

00:23:43And I almost fell over

00:23:44and my friend ran up

00:23:44and he's like

00:23:44you're okay?

00:23:45And I was like

00:23:45I own a fucking motorcycle!

00:23:48Why did I buy

00:23:48a motorcycle?

00:23:50This is not good!

00:23:51Why do I own this?

00:23:52And he's like

00:23:53okay, okay, okay.

00:23:54You need to take this class

00:23:55in Long Island

00:23:56okay?

00:23:57And they're gonna teach you

00:23:58how to ride

00:23:58and it's five days long

00:24:01it's ten hours a day

00:24:02and by the end

00:24:02you're gonna feel good on it.

00:24:03So, that next week

00:24:04I drove out to Long Island

00:24:06to this class

00:24:08that was taught

00:24:09by these five

00:24:10very mean lesbians.

00:24:15Now

00:24:16you could just look at them

00:24:18and know

00:24:18that they did not like men

00:24:20okay?

00:24:22And they never wanted

00:24:23to see men again

00:24:24in their life

00:24:25and then they started

00:24:26this motorcycle

00:24:27school

00:24:28and then they realized

00:24:30that the only people

00:24:32they're ever gonna teach

00:24:33are men

00:24:33twenty-five

00:24:34to age thirty-nine

00:24:36that are trying

00:24:36to impress girls

00:24:37okay?

00:24:39So, first day of class

00:24:40lady's like

00:24:41alright guys

00:24:41so

00:24:43you wanna impress

00:24:45some girls?

00:24:47Well, I got a question

00:24:48for you

00:24:48how impressive is it

00:24:50to be dead?

00:24:53We're like

00:24:53what?

00:24:54She's like

00:24:54answer me

00:24:55how impressive

00:24:55is it

00:24:56to be dead?

00:24:59I was like

00:24:59not very impressive?

00:25:01Not very impressive

00:25:02is it?

00:25:04Actually

00:25:04a lot of

00:25:05girls

00:25:06are looking for

00:25:07guys

00:25:08that are breathing

00:25:09so you all

00:25:12need to be

00:25:13at gap

00:25:13like

00:25:15what are you

00:25:16talking about?

00:25:17She's like

00:25:17at gap

00:25:18do you have

00:25:18something in your throat?

00:25:19She's like

00:25:19all the gear

00:25:21all the time

00:25:22you all need

00:25:23to be wearing

00:25:24all the gear

00:25:25all the time

00:25:26you're wearing shorts

00:25:27you're an idiot

00:25:28alright

00:25:30we're going inside

00:25:31class day

00:25:32everything is written

00:25:33okay

00:25:34so we went inside

00:25:34we just did a bunch

00:25:36of answers on that

00:25:37then

00:25:37after class is done

00:25:38I go straight

00:25:39to the motorcycle shop

00:25:40to get

00:25:40all of this gear

00:25:42right?

00:25:42and I get these jeans

00:25:43that are made of Kevlar

00:25:44Kevlar jeans

00:25:45with big padding

00:25:46they got a big jacket

00:25:47and I got leather gloves

00:25:48with big knuckle protectors

00:25:50on them

00:25:50and I got a MIPS helmet

00:25:51I didn't know

00:25:52what that meant

00:25:52they're like

00:25:53would you like a MIPS helmet?

00:25:54and I was like

00:25:54what's that mean?

00:25:54they're like

00:25:55multi-directional

00:25:56impact protection system

00:25:57I was like

00:25:58give me MIPS

00:25:58next day

00:26:02I went to class

00:26:04I was wearing

00:26:05all my gear

00:26:05right

00:26:06I was the only

00:26:07one there

00:26:08that had gotten

00:26:09any other gear

00:26:10all the rest of the guys

00:26:11are just like

00:26:11alright let's move

00:26:12things along

00:26:13and I was sitting there

00:26:13I was like

00:26:14I don't want to impress a girl

00:26:15I want to be safe

00:26:16that's the most impressive thing

00:26:19I would like to breathe

00:26:20for a girl one day

00:26:21so the rest of the time

00:26:25we do all of these exercises

00:26:27to learn how to turn

00:26:28to learn how to shift

00:26:29to learn how to

00:26:30weave in and out

00:26:32of traffic safely

00:26:33if you feel in danger

00:26:34and by the end of the week

00:26:35it was true

00:26:35I felt so safe

00:26:37and the woman who taught the class

00:26:39she said

00:26:39you know what

00:26:39she said

00:26:40the safer that you feel

00:26:41on this bike

00:26:42the more fun it is

00:26:43okay

00:26:43and then

00:26:44at the end of class

00:26:45you could tell

00:26:46she still hated everybody else

00:26:47because I was that guy

00:26:48she liked me

00:26:49everyone else was leaving

00:26:51she was like

00:26:51bye bye

00:26:52then she got to me

00:26:53and she put her hand out

00:26:54she said

00:26:54Kevin

00:26:56welcome to the road

00:26:58I was like

00:27:04I'll see you out there

00:27:05so then

00:27:07I had to get insurance

00:27:09for my motorcycle

00:27:10and for my safety

00:27:11and I've lived in New York

00:27:13for 14 years

00:27:13so I've never had insurance

00:27:15for anything

00:27:16I don't own a car

00:27:17so I didn't know

00:27:18like what to do

00:27:19and then you're just going

00:27:20through your Rolodex

00:27:21of commercials

00:27:21you're just like

00:27:22okay

00:27:22like

00:27:23do I go with the Aflac duck

00:27:24Aflac

00:27:26or

00:27:26you're like

00:27:27Allstate

00:27:27they're like

00:27:28Allstate

00:27:29you're in good hands

00:27:30or like

00:27:31we'll protect you from mayhem

00:27:32or

00:27:33like a good neighbor

00:27:35State Farm is there

00:27:38musical theater

00:27:40so

00:27:40I went with Geico

00:27:43okay

00:27:44I went with Geico

00:27:45because I just remembered

00:27:46the gecko

00:27:47I was like

00:27:49the Geico gecko

00:27:50I'll go with Geico

00:27:51I always thought

00:27:54that the gecko

00:27:54was weird

00:27:55because he's from

00:27:55East London

00:27:56they're not native

00:27:58to that part

00:27:59of the world

00:28:01he's just like

00:28:02oh

00:28:02I'm a gecko

00:28:04you know

00:28:04from East London

00:28:06right

00:28:06you got 15% off

00:28:08could save

00:28:08save you more

00:28:09on your car insurance

00:28:10right

00:28:10but

00:28:11he has that accent

00:28:12that just makes me

00:28:13think he's going to say

00:28:14the C word

00:28:14because in East London

00:28:17they just

00:28:17they say cunt

00:28:18all the time

00:28:19they just say the C word

00:28:20all the time

00:28:21right

00:28:21so I just imagined

00:28:22in a Geico commercial

00:28:24and be like

00:28:24oh you should get insurance

00:28:25you daft cunt

00:28:26all right

00:28:27come on over

00:28:28save 15% or more off

00:28:30you daft cunt

00:28:31right

00:28:32because in America

00:28:33the C word

00:28:34is just the worst thing

00:28:35that you can call

00:28:36a woman

00:28:37but in England

00:28:38it's like calling someone

00:28:39a silly goose

00:28:40right

00:28:40all right

00:28:42so I call up

00:28:43the people at Geico

00:28:44and this lady

00:28:45is very very nice

00:28:46and she helps me

00:28:47with everything

00:28:47she's like

00:28:48I'm going to make sure

00:28:48that you are fully covered

00:28:50and she walks me through

00:28:51step by step

00:28:52and then she was like

00:28:52I have a question Kevin

00:28:54do you happen to have

00:28:56a MIPS helmet

00:28:57and I was like

00:28:57in fact I do

00:28:59she's like

00:29:00have you taken any classes

00:29:01that would help

00:29:02with motorcycle safety

00:29:03and I was like

00:29:03in fact I have

00:29:05she's like

00:29:05well

00:29:06you were fully covered

00:29:07and I've actually gotten

00:29:08a few percentage points

00:29:09off

00:29:09your total rate

00:29:11because

00:29:12you've taken these

00:29:13safety measures

00:29:14and I was like

00:29:14thank you very much

00:29:15then she told me

00:29:16the amount

00:29:16and it was so cheap

00:29:18I was like

00:29:18this is way cheaper

00:29:19than I thought it'd be

00:29:21I was like

00:29:22why is motorcycle insurance

00:29:23so cheap

00:29:24this is like

00:29:24very affordable

00:29:25and she said

00:29:25well

00:29:26a lot of times

00:29:27with motorcycle policies

00:29:28we don't have to pay out

00:29:29for medical expenses

00:29:31I was like

00:29:39that's crazy

00:29:39I would think

00:29:40that if you got

00:29:40in a motorcycle accident

00:29:41there'd be a lot

00:29:42of medical expenses

00:29:43and she said

00:29:43in fact

00:29:45a lot of times

00:29:45if you're in a motorcycle accident

00:29:47there are

00:29:47no medical expenses

00:29:49and I was like

00:29:51what

00:29:51and then it dawned on me

00:29:53and I was like

00:29:55even if you're at Gat

00:30:03she's like

00:30:05even if you're at Gat

00:30:08so that worried me

00:30:11a little bit

00:30:12but she told me

00:30:13I'm fully covered

00:30:13and I took all the necessary steps

00:30:16to be safe

00:30:16and so

00:30:17I went off

00:30:19what about riding my motorcycle

00:30:20the first thing I did

00:30:21when I got my motorcycle

00:30:22I took a picture with it

00:30:23and what I do with the picture

00:30:24I put it on a dating profile

00:30:28come on

00:30:29why'd I get this thing

00:30:31to impress girls

00:30:32so I put on my dating profile

00:30:35and a few days later

00:30:36I get a like

00:30:37from a girl that's like

00:30:39pretty cool motorcycle

00:30:39and I was like

00:30:40thank you

00:30:40so then I looked through her profile

00:30:43to be able to respond

00:30:44because you don't want to just say

00:30:45like thanks

00:30:45what's up

00:30:46you look at something in their profile

00:30:48to respond to

00:30:49so I looked through hers

00:30:51come on dude

00:30:52this is my fucking art dude

00:30:54no I'm kidding

00:30:54I'm totally kidding

00:30:56I'm totally kidding

00:30:58can we answer it?

00:31:01yeah

00:31:01I think that's ample punishment

00:31:03who is it?

00:31:04hey what's up Mario

00:31:11hey I'm sorry to bother you

00:31:14I wanted to know

00:31:15if the representative

00:31:17I thought that you

00:31:18just replaced

00:31:18whatever

00:31:19is

00:31:22what's your name?

00:31:24is Toby a good employee?

00:31:29I'm not his boss

00:31:31I'm a comedian

00:31:37I'm on stage

00:31:38at a comedy show

00:31:39and his cell phone went off

00:31:40and so

00:31:40I

00:31:41answered the phone

00:31:42so you can say

00:31:44whatever you want about it

00:31:45and there's like

00:31:4650 people in a room

00:31:47that will hear it

00:31:47what do you want to tell us

00:31:48about Toby?

00:31:51I was really just calling him

00:31:53because he's my

00:31:54he's

00:31:55he's my spirits

00:31:57representative

00:31:58and I think

00:31:59I answered from him

00:32:00about

00:32:00a tasting

00:32:02that we had here tonight

00:32:03Toby would you like

00:32:07to answer the question?

00:32:10one more time

00:32:11real quick

00:32:12you want me to ask

00:32:15the question?

00:32:16no

00:32:16actually I gotta go

00:32:17I have like other

00:32:18I have stuff in the show

00:32:19I have to cover

00:32:20do you

00:32:22wait I have a question

00:32:23do you think

00:32:24motorcycles are cool?

00:32:26I love motorcycles

00:32:27yeah they're cool

00:32:28hell yeah

00:32:30looks like

00:32:38I'm going on a date

00:32:39with Mario

00:32:41see I'm glad it went on

00:32:53that was more fun

00:32:54that was more fun

00:32:54that was awesome

00:33:03alright so

00:33:04I

00:33:05I'm looking through

00:33:07this girl's profile

00:33:08okay

00:33:08and

00:33:09and

00:33:10I need something

00:33:11to respond to

00:33:12and she had

00:33:13in her profile

00:33:14things that she liked

00:33:15she said

00:33:16I like guys with a sense

00:33:18of humor

00:33:18and the band

00:33:23The National

00:33:24okay

00:33:25I was like

00:33:27I'm a comedian

00:33:28and I'm a 37 year old

00:33:31bearded hipster

00:33:32who lives in Brooklyn

00:33:32New York

00:33:33oh you know

00:33:34I like The National

00:33:35they're just like

00:33:40the saddest

00:33:40hipster band ever

00:33:42and they've always

00:33:42been my favorite band

00:33:43so I'm like

00:33:43hey

00:33:43I

00:33:44I'm a comedian

00:33:46and also

00:33:46I love The National

00:33:47have you heard this song

00:33:48I sent her this song

00:33:49okay

00:33:50it's not on any

00:33:51of their albums

00:33:52it's on this obscure EP

00:33:53and then she responded

00:33:55she was like

00:33:56I've never even heard

00:33:57this song

00:33:57this is amazing

00:33:58then we banter

00:33:59back and forth

00:34:00we set up a time

00:34:01to go on a date

00:34:02now

00:34:03I'm excited about this date

00:34:04because the banter's so good

00:34:05there's just one thing

00:34:06is that

00:34:07there are no pictures

00:34:08of her face

00:34:10in her profile

00:34:11yeah

00:34:13so like

00:34:15a lot of people

00:34:17have deal breakers

00:34:18my deal breaker

00:34:19is I would like

00:34:20the girl

00:34:20to have a face

00:34:22you know

00:34:23I'd prefer to vet it

00:34:28but we're just starting

00:34:29bare minimum

00:34:30that you got one

00:34:31you know

00:34:31but this is how good

00:34:34the banter

00:34:34the banter was so good

00:34:35that I was like

00:34:36you know what

00:34:36Wednesday next week

00:34:38I'm free

00:34:38we'll see what happens

00:34:40right

00:34:41so we set up the date

00:34:42I am walking

00:34:44towards the bar

00:34:44and there's this girl

00:34:45that's standing out front

00:34:46that first thought

00:34:47I'm like

00:34:47she looks like Amelie

00:34:48the movie Amelie

00:34:50do you remember Amelie

00:34:50yeah

00:34:51so I saw Amelie

00:34:52when I was in

00:34:53high school

00:34:54and I remember

00:34:55before I even thought

00:34:56I like this movie

00:34:57I was like

00:34:57I like Amelie

00:34:58one day

00:34:59I would like to go

00:35:01out with Amelie

00:35:01all right

00:35:02and then I was like

00:35:03I was like

00:35:04there's Amelie outside

00:35:05and then I hope my date

00:35:06looks as good as Amelie does

00:35:08because it sounds very cute

00:35:09and then she was like

00:35:10Kevin

00:35:10I was like

00:35:13this is my date

00:35:14she has an accent

00:35:15I couldn't place it

00:35:17but she was like

00:35:17it's so great to meet you

00:35:19in person

00:35:19I was like

00:35:19oh hi

00:35:20Kevin

00:35:21great to meet you

00:35:23and I was like

00:35:23it's like

00:35:23Middle Eastern Amelie

00:35:25or something

00:35:26so we walk inside

00:35:28we get a drink

00:35:29and then we go

00:35:30sit down

00:35:31and she was like

00:35:34so you're a comedian

00:35:35how's that going

00:35:36I was like

00:35:36it's going great

00:35:37she was like

00:35:38a lot of comedians

00:35:39have podcasts

00:35:39do you have a podcast

00:35:40I was like

00:35:40I've never even heard

00:35:41of a podcast

00:35:42and I was like

00:35:45do you have any

00:35:45favorite comedians

00:35:47and she said

00:35:47oh

00:35:47there's my favorite comedian

00:35:49that I found

00:35:50on YouTube

00:35:51was named

00:35:52Norm MacDonald

00:35:53and I was like

00:35:55she looks like Amelie

00:35:57she's got an accent

00:35:57and she has good taste

00:35:58God

00:35:59she has good taste

00:36:00I was like

00:36:01oh

00:36:02I just need to get

00:36:02to a second date

00:36:03that's what I'm focused

00:36:04on the whole time

00:36:05just get to a second date

00:36:06okay

00:36:06bobbing and weaving

00:36:07in the questions

00:36:08we're just chatting

00:36:09good conversation

00:36:10she's like

00:36:10Kevin

00:36:10it's almost Christmas

00:36:12in New York

00:36:13we should do

00:36:14some Christmassy things

00:36:15and I was like

00:36:15oh I know

00:36:16Christmassy things

00:36:17there's this neighborhood

00:36:18in Brooklyn

00:36:19called Ditmas Park

00:36:20and they had these mansions

00:36:22and they covered them

00:36:22all in Christmas lights

00:36:23we should go there

00:36:24she said

00:36:24that sounds wonderful

00:36:25so the next week

00:36:26we met up

00:36:27and they had

00:36:28hot chocolate trucks

00:36:29we got hot chocolate

00:36:30and they were walking around

00:36:31looking at all the Christmas lights

00:36:33and I'm in my head

00:36:34I'm just like

00:36:34I am in a fucking

00:36:36Nora Ephron film right now

00:36:38this is act one

00:36:40of a Nora Ephron film

00:36:41this is awesome

00:36:42and then

00:36:43at the end of the day

00:36:43she was like

00:36:44Kevin we should go

00:36:45to the cinema

00:36:46and I was like

00:36:47she calls it the cinema

00:36:48so we went

00:36:52and saw a movie

00:36:53the movie's great

00:36:54it's a romantic film

00:36:55and then

00:36:56we walk out

00:36:56and what is it doing

00:36:57in Manhattan

00:36:58it's snowing

00:37:00come on

00:37:02what do I do

00:37:05I kiss her

00:37:07we go to a bar

00:37:13after we have a drink

00:37:14we're talking

00:37:15the conversation's wonderful

00:37:16and then

00:37:17we just make out

00:37:18in the corner bar

00:37:18the entire night

00:37:19it's wonderful

00:37:20okay

00:37:20we were that

00:37:21we were that couple

00:37:21that night

00:37:22and it was fine

00:37:22and then

00:37:23I was like

00:37:23my parents are getting

00:37:24into town

00:37:25so we should

00:37:26make plans for

00:37:28after they leave

00:37:29but I won't see you

00:37:30for about a week

00:37:31and she's like

00:37:31okay that's fine

00:37:32and I was like

00:37:33I know

00:37:36shut up

00:37:37I just said

00:37:41I said listen

00:37:41my parents are very cool people

00:37:43if you want

00:37:45you are welcome

00:37:46to like

00:37:46come hang out with

00:37:48them

00:37:49if you'd like

00:37:50and she's like

00:37:51that is a little much

00:37:52but you know

00:37:53of course

00:37:53I was like

00:37:53I know

00:37:54I'm just throwing it out there

00:37:55okay

00:37:55so then I'm with my parents

00:37:56at Rockefeller Center

00:37:57and we're taking pictures

00:37:59in front of the Christmas tree

00:38:00and then I get a text

00:38:00and I look at the text

00:38:01and I said

00:38:02hey Kevin

00:38:02I don't know really

00:38:04anyone else in New York

00:38:05and I'm kind of lonely

00:38:07and if the offer's still

00:38:09on the table

00:38:09I would love to have dinner

00:38:10with you

00:38:11and your parents

00:38:12and I was like

00:38:13come on over

00:38:14she came to Rockefeller Center

00:38:16Christmas tree

00:38:16met us there

00:38:17met my parents

00:38:18and then we were about

00:38:19to go to dinner

00:38:20and my mom was just like

00:38:21you guys should get pictures

00:38:22in front of the Christmas tree

00:38:23I'm like shut up

00:38:23shut up

00:38:24this is already weird

00:38:26it's already

00:38:26she's like

00:38:30let's take a picture

00:38:30so we took a picture

00:38:31and then we went over to dinner

00:38:32and at dinner

00:38:34we were all having

00:38:34a wonderful conversation

00:38:35she was telling my parents

00:38:36about the country

00:38:37that she's from

00:38:38and my parents

00:38:39were asking questions

00:38:40and it was just a lovely

00:38:41lovely evening

00:38:42at the end

00:38:43my parents picked up the bill

00:38:44and she was like

00:38:44so like

00:38:46over the touch

00:38:47she was like

00:38:47no no no no

00:38:48I would love

00:38:49we were like

00:38:49don't worry about it

00:38:50you know

00:38:50we have a great night

00:38:53my parents pick up the bill

00:38:54and then

00:38:54my parents leave

00:38:55a few days later

00:38:56it's Christmas Eve

00:38:57and I'm getting dressed

00:38:59because I'm going to go to church

00:39:00okay

00:39:01on Christmas Eve

00:39:01and I get a text from her

00:39:03that says

00:39:04what are you doing

00:39:05on Christmas Eve

00:39:07and I was like

00:39:07I'm going to church

00:39:08and she was like

00:39:09I've never been to church before

00:39:11may I come

00:39:12and I was like

00:39:13it's this beautiful church

00:39:14from like 1850

00:39:15we're doing candlelight

00:39:16put a dress on

00:39:18let's go

00:39:18so we meet at church

00:39:19we have beautiful service

00:39:21afterwards we go get dinner

00:39:22and at the end

00:39:23we have a really nice dinner

00:39:24she's like

00:39:24I would like to pay

00:39:25because your parents

00:39:26were so kind

00:39:26and I was like

00:39:27that's

00:39:28you don't have to

00:39:29but thanks

00:39:30she's like of course

00:39:30she puts her card down

00:39:31then the waiter comes back

00:39:33and was like

00:39:33I'm very sorry

00:39:34your card has been declined

00:39:36I was like

00:39:37not a big deal

00:39:38and she was like

00:39:39I'm so sorry

00:39:40she was like devastated

00:39:41she was like

00:39:41I would like to pay you back

00:39:42I'm so sorry

00:39:43I was like

00:39:44don't worry about it

00:39:45pay the bill

00:39:46and then she's like

00:39:47what are you doing now

00:39:47I was like

00:39:48I'm going back

00:39:48to my apartment

00:39:49she's like

00:39:49may I come with you

00:39:51and I was like

00:39:51yes

00:39:52you may

00:39:55and we got back

00:39:58to my apartment

00:39:58and I had a small little

00:40:00Charlie Brown looking

00:40:01Christmas tree

00:40:02and under it

00:40:02I had some gifts

00:40:03from some friends

00:40:04and some other people

00:40:05and I had a gift for her

00:40:08I know

00:40:10it was very

00:40:11I was like

00:40:12nothing too crazy

00:40:13okay

00:40:13it was socks and a candle

00:40:15very functional

00:40:16you know

00:40:17I was like

00:40:18these aren't romantic

00:40:18this just smells nice

00:40:20and everybody needs

00:40:20a good pair of socks

00:40:21you mean nothing more to me

00:40:23you're just another person

00:40:24that I would like to

00:40:25have nice socks

00:40:26alright pleasure

00:40:26and then she

00:40:30after she opened it

00:40:33she was like

00:40:33I got a gift for you as well

00:40:34and I was like

00:40:35really

00:40:35she handed it to me

00:40:36and she got me

00:40:37a watch

00:40:38I was like

00:40:40thank you so much

00:40:41she was like

00:40:42I noticed that you wear

00:40:43these different watches

00:40:44and I wanted you to have

00:40:45another one for me

00:40:46and I was like

00:40:46I was taken aback

00:40:48and then

00:40:50clock struck midnight

00:40:53so it's Christmas day

00:40:54and we celebrated

00:40:55Christmas together

00:40:57by having

00:40:58so much sex

00:41:00it was

00:41:01my stamina

00:41:04that evening

00:41:04was truly

00:41:05a Christmas miracle

00:41:06it was

00:41:07a gift from

00:41:08the almighty

00:41:09who was born that day

00:41:10it was

00:41:11we woke up

00:41:14the next day

00:41:14and then

00:41:15she was like

00:41:16can I use your computer

00:41:17I was like

00:41:18yeah of course

00:41:18she got on her computer

00:41:19and she went to this website

00:41:20that looked like

00:41:21it was made in 1989

00:41:22it was like

00:41:23the oldest website

00:41:24I've ever seen

00:41:25and she was like

00:41:26she was like

00:41:26I want to pay you back

00:41:27for dinner

00:41:27so this is my bank

00:41:29and I'm going to

00:41:30transfer it in

00:41:31and so she

00:41:33was like

00:41:34I need your

00:41:34banking account number

00:41:37and your routing number

00:41:37and so I gave it to her

00:41:38and then she

00:41:39transferred like

00:41:40$150

00:41:41into my bank account

00:41:42and

00:41:43yeah

00:41:45went in within like a day

00:41:46now it's New Year's

00:41:47and

00:41:48I'm going to be gone

00:41:49for like a week and a half

00:41:50so I tell her

00:41:50I was like

00:41:51I'm going to be gone

00:41:51I can't wait to see you

00:41:52in the new year

00:41:53we leave

00:41:54and then the new year comes

00:41:55and we're going to get lunch

00:41:56we're at lunch

00:41:57and she seems kind of down

00:41:58and

00:42:00I was like

00:42:01is everything okay

00:42:02and she's like

00:42:02well I found out

00:42:03that my visa

00:42:04didn't go through

00:42:05so I'm going to have to

00:42:06leave the country

00:42:07in the next like week

00:42:07unless I can figure out

00:42:09a way to get a green card

00:42:11and I was like

00:42:13babe I can get you

00:42:15a green card

00:42:16I mean I

00:42:18I can get you

00:42:20a green card

00:42:20if you need a

00:42:21I know that's great

00:42:22I'm just saying

00:42:23I want a green card

00:42:23and she's like

00:42:24no no no

00:42:24not that

00:42:25not that

00:42:25I know some people

00:42:27in my country

00:42:27and I know other people

00:42:29who have done this

00:42:29and they will find you

00:42:31a husband

00:42:31and you don't have to

00:42:32live with a husband

00:42:33you just have to

00:42:34get a cell phone plan

00:42:35with them

00:42:35and every month

00:42:36you have to take pictures

00:42:37doing different things

00:42:39around the city

00:42:40and with different families

00:42:41to show that you have

00:42:42a life together

00:42:42and you do that

00:42:43every month

00:42:44for a few years

00:42:45and then

00:42:46you have an

00:42:47interview with

00:42:49the immigration officer

00:42:50and then after that

00:42:51you don't have to

00:42:51talk to them ever again

00:42:52and I was like

00:42:53well why don't you do it

00:42:54is it safe

00:42:54she's like

00:42:54it's totally safe

00:42:55the only thing

00:42:56is it costs

00:42:57$15,000

00:42:58and my bank account

00:43:01is really messed up

00:43:02so I can't get access

00:43:03to my money

00:43:04and so could I

00:43:06borrow

00:43:09$15,000

00:43:11and I was like

00:43:14um

00:43:14all of a sudden

00:43:17like

00:43:17Middle Eastern Amelie

00:43:19was looking

00:43:20suspiciously

00:43:21like a Nigerian prince

00:43:23from my email

00:43:23piecing the things

00:43:30together

00:43:31and then I was like

00:43:33um

00:43:33I was like

00:43:35I just need to

00:43:36ask like

00:43:37how do I know

00:43:38I'm going to get it back

00:43:39and she's like

00:43:39I know it's crazy

00:43:40but you can trust me

00:43:42I'll get it back to you

00:43:43and I was like

00:43:43okay

00:43:44um

00:43:44the only problem is

00:43:46I don't have

00:43:47$15,000

00:43:48I probably should have

00:43:50said that first

00:43:51before getting your hopes up

00:43:52but uh

00:43:52but I do have

00:43:55$9,000

00:43:56and my parents

00:43:59have $6,000

00:44:00and so

00:44:03I got on the phone

00:44:05with my mom

00:44:06and I said

00:44:07do you remember

00:44:08that girl

00:44:09from two weeks ago

00:44:10at dinner

00:44:11and she said

00:44:12yeah she was lovely

00:44:12how's she doing

00:44:13I was like

00:44:13she's doing great

00:44:14she needs $15,000

00:44:16and I would like

00:44:18to borrow

00:44:18$6,000 from you

00:44:20and my mom said

00:44:21Kevin

00:44:22this does not sound

00:44:23like the wisest decision

00:44:25and I was like

00:44:26oh I assure you

00:44:28it is not the wisest decision

00:44:29but I think I'm going to do it

00:44:32and she was like

00:44:34um

00:44:34okay

00:44:36well

00:44:37under two conditions

00:44:39and I was like

00:44:40what are they

00:44:40she said

00:44:41first

00:44:41you

00:44:42have to pay us back

00:44:45no matter what happens

00:44:46if you don't get this money back

00:44:47you have to pay us back

00:44:48$6,000

00:44:49I was like

00:44:49okay

00:44:50I get that

00:44:50that's of course

00:44:51of course

00:44:51she said

00:44:52and number two

00:44:53you are not to tell your father

00:44:55about this

00:44:56so she transfers

00:44:59$6,000

00:45:01into my bank account

00:45:02and I go to Chase Bank

00:45:03and I get up $15,000

00:45:04now I don't know

00:45:05if you've ever gotten

00:45:06$15,000

00:45:07out of a bank

00:45:08but the bank teller

00:45:09looks at you

00:45:10like

00:45:11what

00:45:12the fuck

00:45:13are you

00:45:15up to

00:45:16because I know

00:45:17it's nothing good

00:45:18or legal

00:45:18they don't say that

00:45:20with words

00:45:21they say it

00:45:21with their eyes

00:45:22as they're counting

00:45:23all the money

00:45:24and then she gives me

00:45:26the money

00:45:26and I put it

00:45:26in my jacket

00:45:27and I don't know

00:45:27if you've ever

00:45:28walked around the city

00:45:29with $15,000

00:45:30in your pocket

00:45:31but the life

00:45:32becomes an action film

00:45:34you're just walking out

00:45:35just being like

00:45:35all of a sudden

00:45:40you're in the

00:45:40born identity

00:45:41okay

00:45:41and then

00:45:42I have to go

00:45:43to a ring shop

00:45:44because I have to

00:45:45purchase

00:45:45two of the cheapest

00:45:46wedding bands

00:45:47they have

00:45:47they have steel

00:45:48wedding bands

00:45:48for $25 a piece

00:45:49I buy those

00:45:50then a few days later

00:45:51I wake up

00:45:52at 7 in the morning

00:45:53and I go pick her up

00:45:54at a corner

00:45:55in Manhattan

00:45:56and we go over

00:45:57to New Jersey

00:45:58right on the water

00:46:00and we pull up

00:46:01and there's like

00:46:01seven people there

00:46:03okay

00:46:03there's like a lawyer

00:46:04big guy

00:46:05there's like

00:46:05three men

00:46:06I can only think

00:46:08to describe them

00:46:09as a henchman

00:46:10and

00:46:11there is

00:46:13a driver

00:46:14and there is

00:46:15the wedding officiant

00:46:16and there is

00:46:16the husband

00:46:17and we pull up

00:46:18and we walk out

00:46:19and everybody

00:46:20is playing their part

00:46:21like everybody

00:46:21is in character

00:46:23when I get out

00:46:24the lawyer is like

00:46:25what a wonderful time

00:46:27to have a wedding

00:46:288.30

00:46:29in the morning

00:46:31on a Monday

00:46:31and then

00:46:34they go over

00:46:36and the wedding officiant

00:46:37is saying

00:46:38all of their vows

00:46:39and they say

00:46:40I do

00:46:41and then they have

00:46:42a very awkward

00:46:43friendly looking kiss

00:46:44and they pull back

00:46:46and for those of you

00:46:47that know me

00:46:48and are keeping track

00:46:49of my career

00:46:50yes

00:46:52this is the second wedding

00:46:53that I have paid for

00:46:54that does not end

00:46:55in me getting married

00:46:56so then

00:47:00she comes up

00:47:00and she's like

00:47:01can I have the money

00:47:01and she takes

00:47:02all of the money

00:47:03and she gives

00:47:04$5,000 to the lawyer

00:47:05and $1,000 to the three henchmen

00:47:07$1,000 to the driver

00:47:09and $1,000 to the wedding

00:47:11and the rest to the husband

00:47:12and then the lawyer

00:47:13who seems to be

00:47:14the boss of everything

00:47:15is like

00:47:15we all know

00:47:16what time it is now

00:47:17time for the reception

00:47:19and then we all pile in a car

00:47:22and we go to a diner

00:47:23in New Jersey

00:47:23and have cold omelets

00:47:25and bad coffee

00:47:26we just sit there

00:47:27and then we're talking

00:47:29and they're taking pictures

00:47:30and saying

00:47:31it's so lovely

00:47:32you get to stay

00:47:33in this country now

00:47:34and you have

00:47:35a beautiful marriage

00:47:35and then

00:47:36she pays the bill

00:47:37with the rest of my money

00:47:39and then she's like

00:47:41thank you so much

00:47:42she's like

00:47:43I have to do some more

00:47:43paperwork with them

00:47:44so you can go back

00:47:46to the city

00:47:46and I'll talk to you later

00:47:47and I get in the car

00:47:48and I drive through Manhattan

00:47:49and back to Brooklyn

00:47:51and I get back to my apartment

00:47:52and I'm like

00:47:52what the fuck

00:47:54did you just do?

00:47:58What did you just do

00:48:00on Monday

00:48:01from 7 in the morning

00:48:03until 11 o'clock?

00:48:05That was crazy

00:48:06and then I got a text

00:48:08from her that just said

00:48:09thank you so much

00:48:09I don't think

00:48:10I could have got through today

00:48:11without you there

00:48:12and I was like

00:48:12okay cool

00:48:13so the next day

00:48:14I text her

00:48:15and I was like

00:48:15hey do you want to get together

00:48:17how'd everything go?

00:48:18she said everything went fine

00:48:19I'm really busy

00:48:19the next few days

00:48:20and I was like

00:48:21alright

00:48:21then a few days go by

00:48:24and I check in

00:48:25because I want to play it cool

00:48:26you know

00:48:27and I'm just like

00:48:28hey how's everything going?

00:48:29do you want to do something?

00:48:30you know

00:48:30and she was like

00:48:31I'm still really busy

00:48:32like maybe later next week

00:48:34we could get together

00:48:35and I was like

00:48:35okay

00:48:36then a few days went by

00:48:38and I'm playing it cool

00:48:39but inside

00:48:40my heart is like

00:48:41racing day to day

00:48:42wondering what my next move

00:48:43should be

00:48:44you know

00:48:44and so I just text her

00:48:46and I'm like

00:48:46what are you up to?

00:48:47and she's like

00:48:47would you like to go to a movie?

00:48:49and I was like

00:48:50yes

00:48:50let's do it

00:48:52and she's like

00:48:52well the cinema is playing

00:48:53this musical

00:48:55it's by The National

00:48:57I was like

00:49:01that makes no sense

00:49:02the band The National

00:49:02is just a sad indie band

00:49:04and they wouldn't ever write a musical

00:49:07but I was like

00:49:09sure

00:49:09yes

00:49:09I'd love to

00:49:10I would love to

00:49:11and then we show up

00:49:12and we go see this movie

00:49:13it's a musical version

00:49:14of Cyrano de Bergerac

00:49:15and we're watching the whole movie

00:49:16and I'm like

00:49:17oh my gosh

00:49:17we studied this play

00:49:19when I was in college

00:49:21in that class

00:49:22that I told you about earlier

00:49:22we studied Cyrano de Bergerac

00:49:25and what's interesting

00:49:26about Cyrano de Bergerac

00:49:27is that

00:49:28they can't really classify it

00:49:29as a comedy or a tragedy

00:49:31they actually classify it

00:49:32as a romantic tragedy

00:49:34or a heroic comedy

00:49:36because it has elements of both

00:49:38and I'm watching it

00:49:40and in it

00:49:41Cyrano de Bergerac

00:49:42does not end up with a girl

00:49:43actually he aids another guy

00:49:47in getting married to a girl

00:49:49I was watching it

00:49:52just being like

00:49:52this is insane

00:49:54I'm working on getting better

00:49:58at just

00:49:59people after shows

00:50:00are just like

00:50:00well how much of this is real

00:50:02this is real

00:50:03the National

00:50:05wrote a musical

00:50:07of Cyrano de Bergerac

00:50:09and she invited me

00:50:11to go see it

00:50:12and it's about

00:50:13that

00:50:14so after it's done

00:50:19I was like

00:50:19do you want to come over

00:50:20and she was like

00:50:21let's get a drink

00:50:22so we went and got a drink

00:50:23and we talked about the movie

00:50:24and we both really enjoyed it

00:50:26it was odd

00:50:26and interesting

00:50:27but ultimately really good

00:50:29and I was like

00:50:29do you want to come over

00:50:30to my place

00:50:30and she's like

00:50:31I'm very stressed

00:50:31I'd like to go home

00:50:33so she went home

00:50:34and then

00:50:34I'm on the subway ride home

00:50:35and then I get off

00:50:36a stop early

00:50:37and I go to my motorcycle garage

00:50:38because it's January

00:50:39and it's a little bit

00:50:40you know

00:50:41it's not too chilly out

00:50:42so

00:50:43I get on all my gear

00:50:45I get on my bike

00:50:45and I'm riding around

00:50:46the city

00:50:47just thinking about

00:50:48the situation that I'm in

00:50:49and then

00:50:50it just dawns on me

00:50:51I'm like

00:50:51you know what

00:50:52I

00:50:53am never going to talk

00:50:55to this girl again

00:50:56you want to know

00:50:58how I knew

00:50:59because at the end

00:51:00of Cyrano de Bergerac

00:51:02he spends the whole play

00:51:03helping another character

00:51:05he's in love

00:51:06with this woman

00:51:06he helps another character

00:51:08fall in love

00:51:10and get married to her

00:51:11and he doesn't end up

00:51:12with her

00:51:12that's why it's so tragic

00:51:14and then what happens

00:51:15to him at the end

00:51:16he dies

00:51:18it's a tragedy

00:51:18but it's a funny tragedy

00:51:21I'm like

00:51:23there's no way

00:51:24I'm never going to talk

00:51:25to this girl again

00:51:25I need to

00:51:26I need to talk to her

00:51:27and just figure out

00:51:28what is going on tomorrow

00:51:29that's the first thing

00:51:30ask about the money

00:51:31ask why it's weird lately

00:51:32and I was like

00:51:33I don't want to go back

00:51:33to my garage

00:51:34I go and I park my bike

00:51:35right in front of my apartment

00:51:36and I go upstairs

00:51:38and I crash

00:51:38and the next day

00:51:39I wake up

00:51:40to go back downstairs

00:51:40and take my bike

00:51:41back to my garage

00:51:42and my bike

00:51:43is not there

00:51:45so I go across the street

00:51:48to the restaurant

00:51:48and I was like

00:51:49you have security footage

00:51:50of this

00:51:52and they're like

00:51:53yeah yeah of course

00:51:53and I looked

00:51:54and two hours

00:51:55after I parked my bike

00:51:56four guys in black hoodies

00:51:57came up

00:51:58and they lifted up the bike

00:51:59they unlocked the wheel lock

00:52:00and they pushed it away

00:52:01onto a truck

00:52:02and it drove away

00:52:03so my bike was stolen

00:52:06so I called up the NYPD

00:52:08and I was like

00:52:10my bike is stolen

00:52:11I showed them the video

00:52:12I was like

00:52:12I have the video

00:52:13and they're like

00:52:14yeah yeah

00:52:14it was stolen

00:52:15I was like

00:52:16am I going to get it back

00:52:20and they're like

00:52:20yeah probably not

00:52:22I was like

00:52:24is there anything I can do

00:52:26he's like

00:52:26listen

00:52:26I will fill out

00:52:28your report

00:52:28and we will do

00:52:29everything that we can

00:52:30but I just have

00:52:31to be honest with you

00:52:32the only motorcycle

00:52:33we've had recovered

00:52:34in the past two years

00:52:36was a guy

00:52:38who stole a motorcycle

00:52:39and he drove away

00:52:41and a mile later

00:52:41he got into an accident

00:52:42and he died

00:52:43and we recovered the bike

00:52:45and I was like

00:52:47well the guy

00:52:48should have been at Gat

00:52:49I mean come on

00:52:49so I was like

00:52:53alright

00:52:53he's like

00:52:54this is what we can do

00:52:55I fill this out

00:52:55and I give you

00:52:56all the information

00:52:57you need

00:52:57in order to

00:52:58in order to file

00:53:00your claim

00:53:01with your insurance company

00:53:02I was like

00:53:02alright

00:53:02then he looked at me

00:53:03and he said

00:53:04now you know

00:53:05what I know

00:53:06this town

00:53:07has gone to shit

00:53:08and walked away

00:53:11so I got on the phone

00:53:15with Geico

00:53:15and I was like

00:53:16hi

00:53:17my motorcycle

00:53:17was stolen

00:53:18and I needed

00:53:19to file a claim

00:53:20and the person

00:53:21was so nice

00:53:21she's like

00:53:22I can tell

00:53:22how sad you are

00:53:24that is very frustrating

00:53:25whenever something's

00:53:26stolen from you

00:53:26you feel like

00:53:27violated

00:53:28and so

00:53:28thanks for calling

00:53:29we're going to get

00:53:30everything taken care of

00:53:31so we can get

00:53:32money in your pocket

00:53:33so you can get

00:53:33another motorcycle

00:53:34and I was like

00:53:34alright

00:53:34thank you very much

00:53:35and she's like

00:53:36what's your policy number

00:53:37and I was like

00:53:38it's 614-497-8863

00:53:41and she said

00:53:41well Kevin

00:53:42I'm so happy

00:53:43that I can be here

00:53:44to help you

00:53:44in this time

00:53:47Mr. Doyle

00:53:48says that you

00:53:49have full coverage

00:53:51and I was like

00:53:52yeah

00:53:52she's like

00:53:54well within the bounds

00:53:55of New York City

00:53:56theft

00:53:57is not

00:53:59covered

00:54:00under full coverage

00:54:01I was like

00:54:04what do you

00:54:05what's that mean

00:54:06she's like

00:54:07it means that

00:54:07we can't pay you out

00:54:08for the motorcycle

00:54:09because theft

00:54:09isn't covered

00:54:10I was like

00:54:10what

00:54:10what does it do

00:54:13what is coverage

00:54:13she's like

00:54:14well you know

00:54:14liability

00:54:15and any medical

00:54:18expenses

00:54:19and I was like

00:54:20well we already

00:54:20covered

00:54:21that is nothing

00:54:22what you just said

00:54:23means nothing

00:54:24okay

00:54:25so what

00:54:26should I have done

00:54:27what do I do

00:54:27at this point

00:54:28she's like

00:54:28well at this point

00:54:29we can't do anything

00:54:29because the

00:54:30activity already

00:54:31took place

00:54:32you have to be

00:54:32insured before

00:54:33the activity

00:54:34takes place

00:54:35what you needed

00:54:35you should have

00:54:36told the person

00:54:36you needed

00:54:37comprehensive coverage

00:54:38and I was like

00:54:40what is that

00:54:40she's like

00:54:41full coverage

00:54:41doesn't cover

00:54:42everything

00:54:42but comprehensive

00:54:43coverage

00:54:44within the

00:54:44balance of

00:54:44New York

00:54:44covers theft

00:54:45as well

00:54:45and as she

00:54:46was saying

00:54:47that

00:54:47I looked up

00:54:48the definition

00:54:48of full

00:54:49on Google

00:54:49and comprehensive

00:54:51and I was like

00:54:51ma'am

00:54:51I'm reading

00:54:53this verbatim

00:54:54okay

00:54:54from Webster's

00:54:55it says

00:54:55full

00:54:56the definition

00:54:56of full

00:54:57is including

00:54:58all elements

00:55:00of something

00:55:02and I'm reading

00:55:03the definition

00:55:04of comprehensive

00:55:05right now

00:55:06to you

00:55:06over the line

00:55:07and it says

00:55:08including all

00:55:09or

00:55:10nearly all

00:55:11elements

00:55:12of something

00:55:13so if anything

00:55:15full

00:55:17should cover

00:55:18more

00:55:19than comprehensive

00:55:21so why is that

00:55:22not the case

00:55:23and she said

00:55:23sir I'm not

00:55:24talking about

00:55:25the definitions

00:55:26of words

00:55:26I'm talking about

00:55:27these policies

00:55:28and I think

00:55:28what else

00:55:29could definitions

00:55:31of words

00:55:32be for

00:55:33except to

00:55:34explain

00:55:35the policies

00:55:37she said

00:55:40sir

00:55:40you're raising

00:55:41her voice

00:55:42and it's not

00:55:42very appropriate

00:55:42I was like

00:55:43no no

00:55:43no

00:55:44you explain

00:55:44to me

00:55:45how is an

00:55:46insurance company

00:55:47any different

00:55:47from a Ponzi scheme

00:55:48you give a bunch

00:55:49of money

00:55:50and then when

00:55:50people come

00:55:51and need the money

00:55:51then you say

00:55:53oh it's not

00:55:53there

00:55:54you're fucked

00:55:54how are you

00:55:55any different

00:55:56than Bernie Madoff

00:55:57and she's like

00:55:57sir

00:55:57that's very

00:55:58insulting

00:55:59I'm just

00:55:59talking to you

00:56:00on the phone

00:56:01and following orders

00:56:02I was like

00:56:02you're following orders

00:56:03you're following orders

00:56:05you're a Nazi

00:56:06you are no different

00:56:08than a Nazi

00:56:09that's what

00:56:09the Nazis said

00:56:11as they killed the Jews

00:56:12we're just following orders

00:56:13she's like

00:56:14sir

00:56:14I will hang up the phone

00:56:16if you keep talking like this

00:56:17I was like

00:56:17you know what

00:56:18I won't keep talking like this

00:56:19because you're not Bernie Madoff

00:56:20and you're not a Nazi

00:56:22you m'lady

00:56:23are a daft

00:56:25fucking

00:56:25cunt

00:56:26and I sat down

00:56:37on my stoop

00:56:38and I got my phone out

00:56:40and I texted the girl

00:56:42and I was like

00:56:43my motorcycle just got stolen

00:56:44and you owe me $15,000

00:56:46and it doesn't seem like

00:56:48you want to hang out anymore

00:56:49so you need to explain to me

00:56:51everything that's going on

00:56:52in your head right now

00:56:53pretty please

00:56:54thank you

00:56:54and I sent it

00:56:55and then

00:56:56I saw the bubbles

00:56:58the bubbles popped up

00:57:00right

00:57:01it's the most dramatic thing

00:57:02we have in modern life

00:57:04those bubbles

00:57:05and then the bubbles went away

00:57:09and then the bubbles came back

00:57:14and she said

00:57:16dear Kevin

00:57:17it was so lovely meeting you

00:57:18I will never forget you

00:57:22and your family

00:57:23I don't know why

00:57:23you were all so nice to me

00:57:25I was lonely and scared

00:57:26in New York

00:57:27and I just wanted to go on

00:57:28some fun dates

00:57:28and hook up with someone

00:57:30and then I got caught up

00:57:31with all the romance

00:57:32of Christmas in New York

00:57:33with a wonderful person

00:57:34but for me

00:57:35it was always temporary

00:57:36from the beginning

00:57:37I could have been

00:57:39more clear about that

00:57:40you don't say

00:57:42I'm very sorry

00:57:45thank you for everything

00:57:46and

00:57:48for anything that I put you through

00:57:50and then

00:57:51there was a single tear emoji

00:57:53at the end

00:57:54so I sent her back

00:57:57a thumbs up emoji

00:57:59but things were not feeling thumbs up

00:58:02then I said

00:58:05I'd like to move on to

00:58:07the business related matters

00:58:08when am I going to get the money back

00:58:12and she said

00:58:12you can trust me

00:58:13you'll get the money back

00:58:14my bank account is still really messed up

00:58:16I'm really sorry

00:58:17I was like okay

00:58:18so

00:58:19a few days went by

00:58:21and I texted her

00:58:22and I said

00:58:23question mark

00:58:23any update on the money

00:58:25no response

00:58:26and a few days later

00:58:28two question marks

00:58:29and I sent it

00:58:30and

00:58:31it was green

00:58:33and there was a little exclamation point

00:58:37that said

00:58:38not delivered

00:58:38which means

00:58:39she disconnected her phone line

00:58:41yeah

00:58:43and right about that time

00:58:46my mom texted me

00:58:48and said

00:58:50hey Kev

00:58:51I was just praying

00:58:53and I thought about you

00:58:54how are you doing

00:58:56how is everything

00:58:58with the girl

00:58:59and I was like

00:59:00oh you were praying

00:59:01huh

00:59:02well

00:59:02why don't you ask him

00:59:04if this is entertaining

00:59:06huh

00:59:06are you having a good time buddy

00:59:10how's it going up there

00:59:12she said

00:59:14have you got the money back

00:59:15yet

00:59:16and I said

00:59:16no

00:59:17but things are going really well

00:59:19with the girl

00:59:20we actually have plans next week

00:59:21and

00:59:22and yeah

00:59:23I'll definitely get it to you soon

00:59:24she said

00:59:25okay

00:59:25love you

00:59:26and then

00:59:27I walked around

00:59:29for two weeks

00:59:30without talking to anybody

00:59:32about this

00:59:33just figuring out

00:59:34in my head

00:59:34what my next move was

00:59:36what I was going to do

00:59:37and I thought to myself

00:59:37I said

00:59:38you know what

00:59:38I'm going to pay

00:59:39my parents back

00:59:41and then

00:59:42after that

00:59:43you know

00:59:44I'm going to

00:59:46start taking public transportation

00:59:47that's fine

00:59:48you know

00:59:48and I'm going to

00:59:50I'm definitely going to put

00:59:5115%

00:59:52of all of my money

00:59:53into a retirement account

00:59:55after this

00:59:56going forward

00:59:56and I'm going to be

00:59:57responsible with that

00:59:58and

00:59:58I'm going to go to the dentist

01:00:00every six months

01:00:01every six months

01:00:03you go to the dentist

01:00:03and you get a good cleaning

01:00:05and

01:00:06you never miss a yearly physical

01:00:07because you know

01:00:08that on your mom's side

01:00:09cancer runs in the family

01:00:11and early detection

01:00:12is the best way

01:00:13and it's better than any cure they have

01:00:15that's a lot to carry around

01:00:21for a few weeks

01:00:22with just myself

01:00:23and I was thinking

01:00:26you know what

01:00:27never too much

01:00:29never too little

01:00:30just going to be right

01:00:31in the middle

01:00:32from now on

01:00:33okay

01:00:33and I went home

01:00:34and I got on my computer

01:00:36and I had an email

01:00:37and the email

01:00:39was from a language

01:00:39that I didn't understand

01:00:40and didn't recognize

01:00:43and I opened it up

01:00:44and there was an email

01:00:45from the girl

01:00:46and she said

01:00:47I'm really sorry

01:00:48my phone was disconnected

01:00:50I don't know

01:00:51if you texted me

01:00:52but I had to

01:00:54disconnect the line

01:00:56and reconnect

01:00:56with my new husband

01:00:58who I love very much

01:01:01crying laughing emoji

01:01:02crying laughing emoji

01:01:03crying laughing emoji

01:01:04haha

01:01:06we should all be square now

01:01:08exactly

01:01:12oh yeah

01:01:14you owed me a text back

01:01:16that's what it was

01:01:17I was in the city at the time

01:01:20and I walked past an ATM machine

01:01:21and I went to my ATM machine

01:01:24and I looked

01:01:25and there was

01:01:26$15,000

01:01:27in my account

01:01:29and I was like

01:01:31what is

01:01:32is that a miracle

01:01:33like what

01:01:34how

01:01:34and then I thought about it

01:01:36and she had my account number

01:01:38and my routing number

01:01:39from Christmas

01:01:41that I gave it to her

01:01:42and she just used that

01:01:43and transferred me

01:01:44all the money

01:01:45you get your bike back?

01:01:54thanks for bringing up

01:01:55hard times sir

01:01:56this is almost happy

01:01:58a few months later

01:02:02I was having dinner

01:02:03with my parents

01:02:05and my dad was just like

01:02:06hey whatever happened

01:02:07to that nice girl

01:02:08that we had dinner with

01:02:09at Christmas

01:02:09and I was like

01:02:10I loaned her $15,000

01:02:12and I only had nine

01:02:14so mom actually

01:02:15gave me $6,000

01:02:16and then we loaned it to her

01:02:18and then I really

01:02:19haven't talked to her again

01:02:20and my dad looked at my mom

01:02:21and he said

01:02:22you told me

01:02:23that the bank

01:02:24made a mistake

01:02:25and that you were

01:02:26on the phone with Chase

01:02:27and you were angry

01:02:28because they weren't fixing it

01:02:29my mom looked at my dad

01:02:32and she said

01:02:32listen

01:02:32your son and I

01:02:33helped a nice poor immigrant

01:02:35get into this wonderful country

01:02:37if anything

01:02:37that is a good lie

01:02:39now

01:02:48I was still very sad

01:02:51because I really liked that girl

01:02:53and so you know

01:02:56I went to Paris

01:02:57for a few months

01:02:58I subloved my apartment

01:02:59I went to Paris

01:02:59for a few months

01:03:00because I'm very pretentious

01:03:02I was like

01:03:02I'm going to go to Paris

01:03:03and be a writer

01:03:04and I got to do it

01:03:06you know

01:03:06because listen

01:03:08if you want good bratwurst

01:03:10you go to Germany

01:03:11and if you want good paella

01:03:12you go to Spain

01:03:13and if you want to find Amelie

01:03:15you go to France

01:03:18you know what I'm saying

01:03:19but while I was there

01:03:22I wrote a play

01:03:24and in order to finish this show

01:03:26I want to just perform

01:03:27the last scene of this play

01:03:29and so

01:03:30so we can get out of here

01:03:31are there any actors

01:03:32that would help me perform this play

01:03:34that I wrote

01:03:34anybody

01:03:35is there anybody

01:03:37you sir

01:03:38what's your name

01:03:39Michael

01:03:40okay

01:03:41and you're an actor

01:03:42yeah

01:03:42because this isn't comedy dude

01:03:43this is like serious stuff

01:03:45okay

01:03:45alright come on up

01:03:46give Michael a round of applause

01:03:48thank you so much

01:03:50thank you

01:03:51okay so

01:03:52here's the script

01:03:53so my character

01:03:55is named Kyle Doverman

01:03:57okay

01:03:58and

01:03:59you'll learn about him

01:04:01you're going to be playing

01:04:02the role of

01:04:02reformed pedophile

01:04:04no I'm just kidding

01:04:09it's pretty self-explanatory

01:04:10go ahead and start there

01:04:11and then we'll go through

01:04:13sound good

01:04:13great

01:04:14alright

01:04:14sorry to do this

01:04:15but I have to go

01:04:17get into costume

01:04:18so just start

01:04:18when I say action

01:04:19okay

01:04:20alright one second

01:04:23Michael

01:04:23are you ready

01:04:25yes

01:04:25okay

01:04:26action

01:04:27hey Kyle

01:04:29get out here

01:04:30where are you Kyle

01:04:33you gotta come out here

01:04:37it's time

01:04:39god damn it

01:04:42come on out here now

01:04:43I need to have a word

01:04:44I need to have a word with you son

01:04:45look at you

01:04:53you're still wearing all that mess

01:04:56you still haven't taken any of that off in I don't know how long

01:05:01Kyle

01:05:02you don't even own the damn motorcycle anymore

01:05:04it's gone and it ain't coming back

01:05:07so why the hell

01:05:09so why the hell are you wearing all that

01:05:10I guess you're going to have to have it on your whole damn life

01:05:16I guess to the day you die

01:05:19you're going to be wearing all the gear all the time

01:05:22you'll always be at gat

01:05:26the end

01:05:29Kevin

01:05:42Kevin

01:05:45you okay

01:05:47let me tell you something son

01:05:52at some point

01:05:53you gotta take it off

01:05:54that's not living

01:05:56what are you scared

01:05:58you think somebody's gonna hurt you

01:06:00of course they will

01:06:02hell

01:06:03you are going to die

01:06:06everyone will

01:06:07when their time comes

01:06:08but living in fear

01:06:10that's not life

01:06:12you know what will kill you

01:06:15pride

01:06:16jealousy

01:06:18ambition

01:06:20they will all kill you slow

01:06:24but you know what will really kill you

01:06:25life

01:06:26life will kill you

01:06:29so while you're here

01:06:31you need to live it

01:06:33take chances

01:06:37but each one of those chances

01:06:39fill them with faith

01:06:40with hope

01:06:41with love

01:06:42oh and there are no guarantees

01:06:44that's not part of the deal

01:06:47life

01:06:49life

01:06:49is all you get

01:06:50there are a whole

01:06:53mess of ways

01:06:53that you can live life

01:06:54but I will tell you

01:06:56it ain't

01:06:56like

01:06:57this

01:06:58take that off

01:07:01oh you think you can control life

01:07:07good luck with that

01:07:09you're a fool

01:07:10to try

01:07:11that's not how life works

01:07:13Kevin

01:07:14life ain't foolproof

01:07:17hi how you doing

01:07:28this is Austin McGrone

01:07:29from the 90th Precinct

01:07:30I'm calling you

01:07:31in regards to your bike

01:07:32that was stolen

01:07:33a couple months ago

01:07:34we have it recovered

01:07:35here at the 90th Precinct

01:07:36at 211 Union Avenue

01:07:38in Williamsburg, Brooklyn

01:07:39if you want

01:07:40give us a call

01:07:41at 718-963-5311

01:07:44I'll put more details

01:07:45in regards

01:07:45thank you

01:07:46applause

01:07:48applause

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