- 5/10/2025
LOL Network's Stand-Up series presents some of the hottest up-and-coming comics in the industry. Welcome to the stage, Jay Phillips.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00All the way from Washington DC, you've seen him on semi-pro and classics like Deaf Comedy Jam, make some noise for Jay Phillips!
00:13What's up Atlanta? That is not everybody. What's up Atlanta?
00:19Much better. First of all, shout out to Kevin Hart for the opportunity, man. This is a beautiful thing. Absolutely.
00:25We're gonna jump right into it, because apparently y'all ready to start. Y'all niggas... Yeah, y'all just hit me with the two-clap stare when I walked out here.
00:41I do want us to realize this, y'all. We are going through an epic time in our lifetime right now.
00:46We just witnessed the first black president be the president of the United States. Two goddamn times. That's epic.
00:55And not only was that the first black president, but that's probably the only black president that we're gonna see.
01:01It's not that black people ain't qualified no more, it's that after we see what they did to Obama, niggas don't want that job no more.
01:07You can't tell no little kid right now, like, you know you can be the president? Like, yeah, fuck that, I'm gonna play basketball.
01:13They be checking niggas' emails.
01:16I think people like Obama so much because he's so relatable, right? He's a really relatable dude.
01:24Every little situation that he went through, we all felt like we've been through that type of situation before, especially these black people.
01:29Like right now, you know what I mean? Like, everybody in this room remembers a time in their life that you knew your exact last day at work.
01:37You remember the swag you had those last couple days at the job? You walking around like, yeah, you know what, man? Fuck these papers. I ain't doing all that shit.
01:49Take me to Thursday to do all that. My last day is Wednesday. That's stupid.
01:55I don't like the fact that they treat him different. They treat him different. Like, they heckle the president. Who does that? I ain't never heard nobody heckle the president.
02:04They better cut that shit out. This is last couple days at the office. You bet, you, everybody know, you wish they would. There's always somebody you wish they would say something them last couple days at your job.
02:14Like, I beat your ass in this break room. They better stop heckling him. He gonna straighten that shit right out. You don't know what he went through that day.
02:23He'd be out there at this podium trying to stand. Now the president of the United States and somebody, hey, what's going on with that bullshit healthcare plan?
02:32Oh, now, first of all, fuck you. I'll jump down off this stage, come over there and beat your ass myself.
02:41No, no, don't worry about him. I got him. He's just a little bitch.
02:46Now, is there anybody else out there got anything they need to say? That's what the fuck I thought.
02:55They walk off with that cool ass walk he got. That nigga walk cool and shit and he's like, yeah, bitch. His walk is almost too cool to be the president.
03:06I keep thinking he gonna slip up and grab his balls in the middle of his dress. I got him that time. Didn't mean to.
03:13Had to adjust the head of the state.
03:15Obama is, hands down, one of the greatest public speakers to ever grace the stage. That dude is incredible.
03:25Here's what he does for me. He makes me feel like I ain't quite smart enough.
03:32Cause he used a lot of big words and he don't slow down for none of them.
03:35You know, like we all use big words, but we slow down when we use a big word.
03:39So everybody around us know we just dropped a gem in a sense.
03:42Like I'm from the East Coast, but now I live on the West Coast. I like it out there cause out there there's a lot less precipitation.
03:49I could have said rain, but I dropped precipitation on y'all niggas. So y'all know I'm smart.
03:59Obama hit this word the other day. I'm listening to him in the car. He was on a speech and he dropped this word ain't never heard in my life.
04:06He was going at it too. He's like, ah, now, now we as a people, we're, we're, we're going through some pretty tough times.
04:12Now I'd like to ask you this, no matter how difficult things may become, no matter how inextricable things may seem, we must stretch forward.
04:25Don't none of y'all look at me like y'all know what inextricable means. I had to look it up.
04:30You ever looked up something you don't know how to spell and have Google disrespect you?
04:35You're like inextricable. Did you mean exercise? Fuck you Google. You know what I mean?
04:40I said inextricable. You must've been extraterrestrial, bitch. I'ma use Bing. You don't keep fucking with me.
04:52I'm raising sons. I got all sons. I'm a proud parent. Um, got an 18 year old son. Okay.
04:58Got an 18 year old son. He asking me for advice on dating. He's dating now. Right. I don't know what kind of advice I can get him.
05:06We grew up in two different areas. I can't give you no advice on no damn dating. Dating for me was different. Right.
05:11When I was coming up, you had to run up on a perfect stranger in the mall, try to get her to open up her purse and rip up an envelope, write her number down on the corner.
05:18You had to go home and call her on Thursday between six and eight. Look at all the young people. Why didn't you just call her cell phone?
05:25Wasn't no goddamn cell phone. You had to wait till this bitch went home.
05:32They got the internet now. You know, the internet's different. Anybody here on the internet date?
05:37Nobody likes to admit that they on no internet date. I don't see nothing wrong with the internet date.
05:42Ain't nothing wrong with the internet date. It ain't. Cause you can, you can kind of pick out what you want. Right.
05:47Anything you want, you can pick it out. You ever felt like dating somebody? Put that shit in the computer. You can date them.
05:52You can date them. Always want to date an Asian. Put that shit in the computer. Boom. There she go.
05:57They got filters. You can filter people out your life.
06:02You imagine looking at somebody in your face and be like, you know what?
06:04I would have never met you if my filter game was right, bitch.
06:08You don't qualify. You can pick out anything you want. You ever wanted a good girl?
06:11They got their own website. Right. Christian Mingle. Go get you one.
06:15I ain't never thought about fucking a farmer until I saw that commercial come on TV.
06:21You don't have to be lonely. I'm like, look at this bitch on the pool table.
06:27She is cold.
06:31Black people don't act like we ain't got one. We got one too.
06:35Black people meet. You got damn right. I heard you out there.
06:37I'm just glad we spelled it with two E's instead of an E and an A.
06:40That would have been a whole different website.
06:43Like, come over here and get some of these black people meet.
06:46You know, white girls blowing their goddamn computers up.
06:50Oh, my God. I'm registered. I want my black people meet.
06:54Deliver it today.
06:55Deliver it today.
07:02I know why people don't like saying today on the internet date. I know why.
07:05It's the marketing. Right.
07:07I think Match.com came out with some real aggressive commercials one time.
07:11Like, when they first started.
07:12Match.com, that dude walked around that county.
07:14He's like, we're going to ask you 350 questions to make sure we pair you with your perfect soulmate.
07:19350 questions.
07:21I'm a college educated man.
07:22I have never taken a test with 350 goddamn questions.
07:26And I am not going to do it to get some ass.
07:29There is a better way.
07:31I got my own set of questions.
07:34Number two question on my test.
07:35Do you give head?
07:37Because the rest of that shit might not matter.
07:41Who gives a damn what your favorite color is if you got number two wrong?
07:46We will not be exchanging gifts.
07:48Don't y'all look at me like I'm the only one that like head either.
07:54Head is spectacular.
07:56Goddamn right.
07:57Head will change your day.
08:00If you don't like head, you haven't had any.
08:04There's no way.
08:06Head is amazing.
08:07You can go to work on a Friday.
08:09Get fired before you get your check.
08:11Walk outside.
08:12Watch your car get repossessed.
08:13Jump on the bus.
08:14Get home same time as regular.
08:16Your girl be like, surprise blowjob day.
08:19Waka waka waka waka waka.
08:21So how was your day baby?
08:23It was alright.
08:24I'm gonna need a ride Monday to go get my check though.
08:29I'll explain after this nap.
08:32So he got me answering like relationship advice right now.
08:39Relationship advice.
08:40First of all, I hate when people give relationship advice.
08:42Cause ain't nobody got that shit matter.
08:44Ain't nobody got a mask.
08:46There's no way to do it.
08:48Right?
08:49Cause first of all, women are, you can't figure women out.
08:52There's no way.
08:53As soon as you think you figured out a woman, she'll look you right in the face and say,
08:56so you think you know a bitch.
08:59You can't figure women out.
09:01So here's the thing that I got told my son to look out for.
09:03There's two things to look out for.
09:04First of all is this.
09:05Men, we like to lie.
09:07Women, y'all love to argue.
09:09Boom.
09:10That's it right there.
09:12That's all of it.
09:13Men like to lie.
09:14Women, y'all love to argue.
09:15Keep it real.
09:16Women, y'all love to argue, don't you?
09:18Yes, you do.
09:19Keep it real.
09:20Women, y'all love to argue, don't you?
09:21Listen at you.
09:22Y'all arguing now.
09:27Got your ass.
09:28There you do.
09:29Women like to argue so much that at the end of the argument, they call their girlfriends
09:33up and reenact the whole goddamn argument.
09:36And then she said, and then I was like, and then he said, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun.
09:40It's like SportsCenter on the phone.
09:4230 minutes to the last fucked up hour of your life.
09:48Men, we lie.
09:49Yep, we do.
09:50So what though?
09:51We don't be lying about shit.
09:52We just be lying.
09:57We just lying.
09:58I don't know why y'all get so mad.
09:59We just lying.
10:00It's like a hip-hop lie.
10:01You know they lying in hip-hop.
10:02You don't get mad at them.
10:03Like, I got two planes, two chains in a Bentley when I get off the plane.
10:08Like, you ain't got all that shit.
10:09Like, I know.
10:10I'm just lying.
10:13We don't be lying about shit.
10:15Ladies, y'all get mad when we lie to y'all, though.
10:17Y'all don't like that.
10:18Y'all like, why you lie to me?
10:20Y'all want to know why men lie to women?
10:22I'll let you know why men lie.
10:24First of all, it's really simple.
10:26Most of the time, men lie to women because the truth just ain't good enough.
10:32Mmm.
10:34Oh, that's profound.
10:35I hear y'all mumbling.
10:37I'll repeat it.
10:38Look at the dudes like, hell yeah.
10:41Most of the time, men lie to women because the truth just ain't good enough.
10:45Ladies, sometimes the truth is, I did go to the club with my homeboys.
10:49We ain't do nothing wrong.
10:50We sat in the back and laughed at people and drank all night.
10:52Sometimes, ladies, the truth is, after that club, we sit in the parking lot, smoke a blunt,
10:57hang out with our friends for a few minutes.
10:59Sometimes, ladies, the truth is, after that, we get hungry, we stop at Denny's on the way home,
11:04get something to eat.
11:06And sometimes, the truth is, that don't stop you from being mad as a motherfucker
11:10when we walk in at 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock in the morning, and we ain't did nothing wrong.
11:15Y'all standing in the living room in the dark, staring at the doorknob,
11:18waiting for that bitch to dribble, and you in an argument stand,
11:21sitting there waiting on a nigga like this.
11:26Soon as we open that door, where the fuck you been all night?
11:29We hear all that aggression, we start to lie.
11:31We can't help it.
11:32Like, babe, they were shooting at the club.
11:35I dropped my phone to VIP.
11:36I went back to get it, came back home.
11:38There was a sobriety check.
11:39I passed it, got a C+.
11:41I'm just so happy I got home.
11:43She was like, oh, my God, you made it home.
11:44You want some breakfast?
11:46See that?
11:47You tell a little lie, you can get some breakfast.
11:49Tell the truth, you're up until 8 in the morning arguing all goddamn night.
11:52Y'all be home testing the shit out of us, too, so let me get this straight.
11:58You went to the club with Marvin.
12:00And then after the club, you went outside and smoked a blunt.
12:03And then after that blunt, you went to IHOP.
12:06IHOP.
12:07Denny's.
12:08Just checking, nigga.
12:09I'm like, god.
12:11Damn, my bad.
12:12Some of y'all got some of them first 48 relationships.
12:15I see y'all out there.
12:19To me, that gave you three opportunities to call me and tell me where the hell you were all night.
12:25Yeah, look at y'all clapping.
12:26Whatever.
12:27Whatever.
12:28No, whatever.
12:29Which I don't realize, ladies, that when men are out having a man's night,
12:32we out with the homeboys, there's an unsaid rule.
12:35You cannot be the first dude to pick your phone up and talk to your girl.
12:38to your girl you can't do it you will let your phone blow up in your pocket before you goddamn
12:42answer that phone you'll be walking around like ain't should happen you better get that phone
12:53nigga i'm good i'm good two minutes later
13:02she calling back like i'm all right man i'm good
13:11as soon as you pick your phone up
13:18got a 12 year old son too he going through his little change
13:22going through his little change right now i recognize the change you got to recognize the
13:26change because sometimes you can't watch certain tv programs around your little boy if he's going
13:31through his change you know you can watch showtime with him some titties come on the screen you look
13:35at your little boy he might still be on his phone like all right cool we still good one of these days
13:40there's gonna be some titties on the screen you're gonna look down at him he's gonna be looking at
13:43the screen talking about yo look at them titties those ain't mama's titties that's when you got
13:50stopping from watching showtime you know what i'm saying sometimes it's not even the tv shows
13:56that get you in trouble it's the it's the commercials that come on in the middle of the shows
14:00that spark up all these goddamn questions right like i'm watching i'm watching the football game
14:04with my son the other day two viagra commercials came on back to back now the viagra commercial ain't
14:10that bad it's just those side effects at the end to spark up all these goddamn questions
14:14effects that last side effect is a doozy boy he come in and if you have an erection lasting for
14:19more than four hours call your doctor immediately my son was like
14:27then the game came back on i was like whoa ain't got to talk about that today that's what's up
14:31they call a timeout went right back to the same commercial my son he was all in this time he was
14:36like and if you have an erection lasting for more than four hours call your doctor immediately
14:40my son hey dad what's an erection i mean oh hell here we go uh erection all right cool gotta talk to
14:52you about it erection erection okay um cool erection all right here we go erection all right son
15:00an erection all right here we go an erection god damn it um an erection is when the asian
15:10select their next president who looked the game back on man fuck that you ain't messing up my playoffs
15:22some of y'all ain't get it look to the motherfucker laughing next to you
15:27there's a misconception that men have a talk with their sons about sex in the first place
15:32men don't have no real talk with their sons like we have a talk but we don't say
15:36shit i remember my dad talking to me like it was yesterday he was like hey heard you had a girlfriend
15:45yeah dad got a girlfriend
15:55all right now
15:58like dad i'm good i'm just saying all right now
16:01dad i don't know what you want to tell you i'm just you all right yeah dad i'm all right
16:10all right
16:12now my mom you you you talk to him yeah i talked to him he said he all right
16:19ladies y'all have a full-blown goddamn talk don't you yeah i hear y'all y'all get charts and
16:24fucking flood it's a whiteboard first of all the penis is the men ain't we ain't got that type of
16:31responsibility we ain't into this shit especially if you got a daughter men that got daughters that's
16:35a whole different talk like hey look don't fuck that's it good talk get out of here don't you ever
16:42fuck you hear me get out of here go because having sons is different than having daughters having a son
16:49as a man that's like being an offensive coordinator and if you got a daughter that's like being a
16:53defensive coordinator if you know what i'm saying you gotta stop the penetration
17:00this is the game he trying to give you right here he's gonna try to
17:02fuck you with this move don't let it happen same move i used on your mama
17:1512 year old son and we all lie i don't know why people get so mad at it we started lying early too
17:22real young everybody started lying young like it started with santa claus
17:26you know you remember the time you had to tell your kids about santa claus
17:30my goddamn son was mad as shit at me you understand me he was pissed yeah you ever had a little kid
17:35mad at you and be right i couldn't even correct myself he was right he came home to school he was
17:41like second grade mad as shit at me he was like hey dad can i speak with you for a second
17:46i was like what's wrong man i was at school today i was telling everybody what i got for christmas i was
17:50like i got an xbox one and santa claus hooked it up for me and everything everybody started laughing at
17:55me and stuff hey dad um they said it ain't no santa claus if it ain't no santa claus then who bought
18:00me all that stuff i was like you know what man i bought you that stuff he's like oh
18:05so why ain't you just say so touche so dad you was just lying i said i wasn't looking at it like
18:15a lie he's like oh it's not a lie because everybody was doing it
18:22yeah my older son saw me struggling he came in he said don't get mad at dad he helped you buy
18:28he bought all this stuff he was like don't don't i ain't trying to listen to you you sat down at that
18:32table and helped me write that list this little dude was mad at me forever too
18:41week later had my friends over we watching the game he gonna come up and try to embarrass me in
18:45front of all my friends you're gonna stand in front of the tv time oh hey dad so you just got me
18:50staying sitting on random people's laps down at the mall taking pictures
18:54who were those men dad i'm like you know what i'm beat your ass in here
19:05gotta teach this different people that you're gonna run into
19:08different people you're gonna run into like like i'll ask you this anybody in the room tonight stutter
19:12anybody stutter give them a second
19:18might be trying to answer me because it's two different kind of stuttering people the first kind
19:23to just give up and go into something else you know what i'm talking about to get too excited hey
19:30what's up you weren't gonna say that
19:36that's why i don't trust you you ain't say what you was gonna say in the first place say that
19:44then you got the other kind don't give a damn what you got to do for the rest of the day he gonna get
19:47this goddamn sentence out he go through every technique he ever learned in his life
19:53usually the only thing he got to do is breathe and his whole train of thought to come back he
19:57come in the room going to work though hey y'all uh i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm come on
20:03man you can do it i know i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm
20:16i'm about to go down to the store y'all want something like this nigga here you should have
20:30breathed 10 minutes ago could have been on your way back god damn it no i don't want nothing
20:43you ever met somebody with tourettes you should be required by law to wear a t-shirt every day to
20:50say i have tourettes you shouldn't be able to run up on nobody with that goddamn disease
20:55i'm at a mall one day in ohio and this dude ran i saw this dude walk by with a nike bag i was like
21:01my man where you get that where's the nike store at he's like oh ain't nothing all you got to do is
21:04walk back past that you walk past that food court there's a gap there's a yeah
21:13so the food court the guys say hey who you yelling at like that that's what i need to know
21:27i'm sorry brother i got tourettes that make oh that makes me happy no no no did you just watch the
21:32throne me a nigga what are you so what you do is what hey man fuck you and that store i ain't going in
21:38there for having me walking around sounding like that i'm gonna give me some pumas nigga hey
21:49it's fun giving my son advice giving him advice on women that's pretty cool
21:55because there ain't no real advice women are the masters of the mixed signal
22:00a woman a mac mixed signal your ass to death i'll prove it to you round of applause ladies if you mind
22:06when a man looks at your butt look at all the dudes in the room and why y'all get so mad when
22:15y'all see somebody looking i had this lady get mad at me one day she's gonna turn around try to
22:19embarrass me in front of everybody she's like uh-uh excuse me i just caught you you was looking in my
22:24ass i said ma'am you didn't catch me i'm looking you got on some metallic stretch pants i'm looking at
22:31that disco ball on your back stop trying to argue and walk away so i can see it again
22:38there's nothing wrong with a big old ass y'all ladies getting mad when y'all see somebody i don't
22:42know why y'all get so mad y'all don't buy no jeans without without your ass looking good in them jeans
22:47you'll be that's the last thing you look at in the mirror before you leave the house ain't it
22:50you're like yeah this is nice i'm gonna kill him with a bam i'm gonna get him bitch on this ass
22:57nobody better look at it either
23:04it's a cool time to grow up in man i know the i know the cops is all over the place doing
23:08shit cops always been scary to black people there's some new shit now because of social media i guess
23:13but cops have already always been scary to black people we never really been i ain't never been happy
23:19to see the police never not one time i know they here to serve and protect but i can't remember one
23:23time i was like yo police what up nine i got happy to see the fire department before but
23:29and then i got mad because they brought the police i was like why you bring your boy
23:36i think the police got something in their siren to with your nervous system especially black people
23:41like there's something in that siren to make you feel like you're gonna
23:43shit on yourself for a couple seconds then it just go not that regular siren that attack siren i got
23:48that boop boop boop boop boop boop
23:53the fuck was that then it just go away you know what i'm talking about
23:56it get everybody in the car too boop boop ah you too yeah what was that little baby in the back
24:01i hate when cops use that noise
24:15and i don't even mind the police i just think they're getting too sneaky
24:18niggas be hiding behind shit you on you're going down the highway them niggas gonna pop out from
24:23behind the bush talking about why you speeding niggas because you was hiding i didn't know
24:26i'd slow down if i know you was over there chilling i wouldn't have disrespected you like that
24:35i got offered to do a show for the lapd this year los angeles police department absolutely they
24:41wanted me to do their christmas party i was like uh no i ain't gonna do it i hung up that felt good
24:48i was like i ain't with y'all like that yeah they called me back they were like come on man we
24:54really want you to do it i was like nah man i'm good that sound like a setup nope
25:00not gonna do it
25:06it's a really good time though man i feel good as a parent right now because as a goal for most
25:11parents you want to raise your kids in a better environment that you grew up in yourself right
25:15that's pretty much the goal everybody all right so i feel good about being able to do that for my kids
25:19all right but the problem with that is my kids ain't gonna never understand the value of a good crack
25:25head i don't want y'all to judge me but i got my first flat screen tv ever from a crack head matter
25:32of fact i got a flat screen tv a blu-ray player and training day which was in the blu-ray player
25:39forty dollars this nigga hooked it up for me and everything i don't know he hid the wires brand new
25:45brackets i don't know what he did before crack but he may have worked at best buy this was amazing
25:51i moved to baltimore there was a guy in baltimore a dude named junior he lived in my neighborhood
25:56straight crack head had crack voice everything what's happening baby that was in
26:02he'd do anything in the world for you anything like i pulled up to the house one day he get mad
26:07when you don't need nothing like come on baby everybody needs something
26:10i'm like like all right give me some laker tickets i mean i got you
26:16i was his motto i got you this nigga walk fast as shit i don't know if you ever seen a crack
26:21head with something to do but these niggas quick
26:28here's the thing about crack heads crack heads know what you need before you know you need it
26:33i pulled up to the house one day junior sitting on my porch he jumped up he was like oh
26:37shit what's happening baby boy your tire's low
26:45you're right i appreciate that junior i'm gonna get that fixed in the morning that's what's up
26:49i got you i said that's right ten dollars i'm gonna get that fixed be in and out the gas station in no
26:54time he's like ten dollars shit for forty dollars i get you four brand new tires
27:00i was like my nigga you come back here with four brand new tires i'm gonna give you forty dollars
27:17i ain't know where he went but all i know is i looked out my window 20 minutes later he was coming
27:21down the street i was like what i'm gonna do with these four loose tires you're gonna put them all
27:34for me i got you he ain't had no tools or nothing he put them shits on with his strong ass cracked on
27:41you ever tried to blow up a car tire with your mouth 32 pounds of pressure you gotta put your
28:00tongue down on that little piece so the air go in
28:02the only problem with having a crackhead help you out around the house is that he know where
28:10you live yeah somebody broke up my house and stole all my shit out two days later and mysteriously i
28:17ain't see junior nowhere i ran into him at the gas station one day i was like hey junior come here
28:23dog come here junior he's like what's happening i say hey man you know somebody broke up my house
28:27stole all my shit out he was like what so you wouldn't happen to know who did it did you he was
28:34like nah baby i don't even know i said well there's a ten dollar reward if you can help me find out who
28:39did it i'm like ten dollars she and i got i was all cool you gonna help me find out who did it he was
28:47like nah i got you it was me for ten dollars this nigga snitched on himself he was like for forty
28:56dollars i'll bring it all back i bought it again i put in twenty more dollars he put some bars up so
29:04he can keep his own ass out my name is jay phillips y'all i appreciate your time
29:18so
29:23so
29:33so
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