- 5/9/2025
Frasier Season 4 Episode 16 The Unnatural
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01My eight-year-old son is visiting me this week, and he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex.
00:08I was wondering what your policy is on.
00:11I'm sorry to hear that.
00:14You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you?
00:22I'm sorry to hear that.
00:23Well, um, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace.
00:33It's a radio station!
00:36Oh, forget it.
00:38I've even been close, that would be one thing, but I beat that tag by a mile!
00:43A mile!
00:43Calm down, slugger, it's all right.
00:45A mile!
00:46I take it you lost the game.
00:47No, we won the game, but Roz got kicked out for arguing with the yump.
00:50She kicked it on his shoes, chest butted him, almost took a bite out of his finger when he stuck it in her face.
00:58You can't coach that kind of thing.
01:02All right, there's a guy on second, one guy's out, I drive one to the gap.
01:08The throw to the cutoff man is late, our guys save it home, and I try to stretch it to a double.
01:12I make a beautiful hook slide right under the tag.
01:15How can I be out?
01:17I'm still trying to understand why you drove to the gap in the middle of the game.
01:20Listen, I'm going to go work on the lineup for Saturday's game.
01:27You know, I love being in charge.
01:29Oh, can I play second base?
01:31Uh, no, sorry, Liz Budner's playing second.
01:33Liz Budner?
01:35Why?
01:35What can she do that I can't?
01:37That's what she will do with it, you won't.
01:39Oh, cause, uh, listen, didn't you used to date some executive at Microsoft?
01:48Oh, Scott Blankman.
01:51Oh, talk about your messy breakups.
01:54Even after I dumped the guy, he kept calling me.
01:58At first he'd make excuses.
01:59Oh, sorry, I hit the wrong button on my speed dial, and then he just gave up the pretense and there'd be sobbing on the other end of the line.
02:07I finally said, Scott, I never, ever want to talk to you again.
02:12Why do you ask?
02:13I'd like you to give him a call.
02:16What?
02:16Well, I, Frederick's coming to visit me this week.
02:18The only thing he asked for was a tour of Microsoft, and I sort of already promised that I could arrange it.
02:25Oh, Frazier, you're asking me to call a man who camped outside my apartment building and held a big sign-up that said Roz Doyle is afraid to love.
02:34Oh, okay, I understand, okay.
02:37Just thought you'd be more sympathetic, that's all.
02:39I can't.
02:41You recall a story you told me not long ago about a young girl living in Wisconsin
02:47who wanted desperately for her mother to drive her to Chicago to see Bobby Sherman open a shopping mall.
02:54But her mother was just too busy.
02:58So did that little girl do that night?
02:59She cried herself to sleep on her little Bobby Sherman pillow.
03:04I hate you.
03:17Good morning, Frazier.
03:18Is Frederick up yet?
03:19Oh, actually, he went out with his grandfather for an early morning walk.
03:22I went through some of my old albums this morning and found a few photos of us when we were Frederick's age.
03:28I thought he might find them amusing.
03:30There we are, all dressed up, ready for our first Cub Scout hike.
03:36Then the last.
03:38Yes, well.
03:38We didn't exactly endear ourselves to the pack.
03:42All the other kids had those knapsacks.
03:44We showed up with those monogrammed train cases.
03:49Now, let's refresh my memory.
03:50Mm-hmm.
03:50Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?
03:55Oh, you've forgotten that Halloween we went as the Bay of Pigs.
03:58Ah!
04:02As I recall, nobody got it.
04:04Finally had to take to tell him that we were Swine Lake.
04:09Didn't get that either.
04:12That was a long evening.
04:14So, what do you have in store for Frederick this visit?
04:19Well, we're going to go whale watching, the planetarium, and Ros has helped me arrange a tour of Microsoft.
04:25It's the one thing that Freddie specifically requested.
04:27Someone's making a run for Dad of the Year.
04:30Well, you know how it is.
04:32Don't get to see him as often as I'd like.
04:34Memories of this trip will have to last him until the next one.
04:38Can you blame me for wanting it to be perfect?
04:40No.
04:41Hi, Dad.
04:42Oh, hello, Freddie.
04:44Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
04:50No.
04:51Did you tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner, and a SWAT team?
04:57They got there later.
04:59Hello, Uncle Niles.
05:01Hello, Frederick.
05:02My, aren't you getting big?
05:06I'm the same exact size I was the last time you saw me.
05:09Well, your mother's cooking will do that for a growing boy.
05:14Are we going to Microsoft today?
05:17Well, actually, Freddie, I thought we'd go by the radio station.
05:21I thought I could show you where I work.
05:22That'll be fun, won't it?
05:24Yes.
05:25When are we going to Microsoft?
05:26Well, Saturday.
05:29Excellent.
05:30Hey, good morning, Dr. Crane.
05:32Good morning, Daphne.
05:34Hi, Daphne.
05:38Hello, Frederick.
05:39Hey, Freddie, tell your dad what you saw in the park with that.
05:42Hi, Daphne.
05:47Frederick's my boyfriend.
05:49Oh, really?
05:50I've got a present for you.
05:52Wait here.
05:54He's so cute.
05:56He's got a crush on you.
05:57Yes, you should have seen him last night.
05:59He spent the entire evening sitting on Daphne's lap watching TV.
06:04Really?
06:04And this morning, I heard this soft little knocking at my door,
06:12and it was Frederick asking if he could climb into bed with me.
06:17Really?
06:22It's for you.
06:23Oh, wow.
06:24Isn't this lovely?
06:26Look, here's Frederick, and here I am.
06:30And what are we doing?
06:31Getting married.
06:33Ah.
06:35Really?
06:38Well, come on, Frederick.
06:40Let's go hang this on the fridge.
06:42Okay.
06:44Frasier, do you really think it's healthy for a little boy
06:46to be so obsessed with a woman he can't possibly have?
06:50Yes, have you actually sunk so low?
06:53Someone has to be jealous of him?
06:55No, I'm not jealous.
06:56I'm just a bit...
06:57No.
06:59Maybe envious.
07:01It's ridiculous.
07:03What have you got to be envious of?
07:04Hold on!
07:05Whee!
07:12Whee!
07:12Whee!
07:13Whee!
07:13Whee!
07:13Whee!
07:13Whee!
07:14Whee!
07:14Whee!
07:14Whee!
07:14Whee!
07:15Whee!
07:15Whee!
07:16Whee!
07:16Whee!
07:16Whee!
07:16Whee!
07:17Whee!
07:17Whee!
07:18Whee!
07:18Whee!
07:19Whee!
07:20Whee!
07:21Whee!
07:22Whee!
07:23Whee!
07:23And this is the booth.
07:25Well, it all happens.
07:26Very impressive.
07:28Well, this is the talkback button here if I want to talk to Roz.
07:34And this is the cough button if I want to mute the mic.
07:36Oh, and this button here is very special.
07:38Well, it sends a death ray shooting from the phone of any caller who annoys me.
07:43You wish.
07:46Yes, I do.
07:48Well, okay, Roz.
07:50What have we done to ourselves today?
07:52Well, we went out last night to celebrate our big win.
07:55Ah.
07:55Had a few margaritas.
07:56Had a few margaritas.
07:57Someone started a conga line.
07:59I wasn't going to get in it, but then Gary, our shortstop, got on the end of the line.
08:04And that man has a butt that makes you want to reach out with both hands and give Freddie
08:09a great big Seattle up.
08:11Yeah.
08:12Yeah.
08:13Save, Roz.
08:15Freddie, I don't believe you've met Bulldog.
08:16Hey, kid.
08:17Why do you call Bulldog?
08:20Uh, people just always call me that.
08:22But why?
08:26I don't know.
08:27Well, all right, Bulldog.
08:28Uh, Roz, I have a show to prepare for.
08:29No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:31Wait a minute.
08:32This is important.
08:33Why do people call me Bulldog?
08:35There has to be a reason.
08:37No.
08:40This is going to drive me nuts.
08:41What?
08:43So who's going to sub for me in the game on Saturday?
08:45We got to have a ninth body out there.
08:47We forfeit.
08:48All right.
08:49Uh, how about Mindy Guthrie?
08:51Eight months pregnant.
08:53July, August, September, October, November.
09:03Anyway, you better find somebody else.
09:05And speaking of bad news, Frazier, I finally got a call from Scott Blankman.
09:08Oh, Roz.
09:09Uh, Frederick, why don't you talk with Bulldog for a minute?
09:11I have to discuss something with Roz.
09:13Okay.
09:14Oh, yeah.
09:15No problem.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:21Hey, hey.
09:22In a little while, I'm going to bring it in my car and you can hit the gong.
09:25Why?
09:28It's loud.
09:29I make a lot of loud noises to my show.
09:31Why?
09:32I don't know.
09:33Why?
09:34I don't know.
09:35Boy, I'm starting to get a headache.
09:36What?
09:37If you need a softball player, why don't you use my dad?
09:41Oh, yeah.
09:42Right.
09:44Isn't he good?
09:47Oh, yeah.
09:48Yeah.
09:49He's great.
09:50He is the best.
09:51I wish he could play, but I think your dad's busy Saturday.
09:55He's taking me to Microsoft.
09:57Yeah, right.
09:58Oh, man.
10:00I wish he could play because if he were playing, we went for sure.
10:04I'm sorry, Frazier.
10:05That's all I can do.
10:06Scott quit Microsoft right after we broke up.
10:10Well, I don't look forward to telling Frederick.
10:12You'd be so disappointed.
10:15Well, you know, if he wants a tour of a seminary, I've got an in there now.
10:24I don't know.
10:25I give up.
10:26Abraham Lincoln.
10:28What school did you go to?
10:33Frederick.
10:35Dad, I don't want to go to Microsoft anymore.
10:39You don't?
10:41Don't.
10:42Oh, hey.
10:43Yes, he does.
10:44Wait a minute.
10:45Wait a minute.
10:46Hey, what kind of boy wouldn't want to spend a day at Microsoft?
10:47Stay out of this.
10:48Now, listen.
10:49Frederick.
10:50You know, this is your vacation.
10:53You are the boss.
10:54Whatever you say goes.
10:55Great.
10:56I want to see you playing the softball game.
10:59What?
11:01You could take Roz's place.
11:03Well, I...
11:04You know, as much as I love to play softball, I really don't think the Bulldog wants me to.
11:08Yes, he does.
11:09Right?
11:11That's what I said.
11:15Thank you, Bulldog.
11:17So you'll play?
11:19Well, I'll see how I can refuse.
11:21Great.
11:22I can't wait to tell Daphne.
11:23Oh, yes.
11:24Well, speaking of Daphne, while you're waiting for Daphne, why don't you go on out and get
11:28yourself a candy bar out of the machine.
11:30Mother says candy bar's choosing him.
11:32Yes, well, chew on the side of your mouth.
11:34Rot your baby teeth.
11:37Bulldog, what the hell do you think you're doing telling him I'm a good softball player?
11:40Hey, I was trying to be nice.
11:42You want me to tell him you're a big lame-o?
11:44No, I don't.
11:46Hey, look.
11:47I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out your dad's not as great as you thought.
11:53Look, I was about Frederick's age when...
11:58Well, I came home.
11:59My mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
12:03Oh, Bulldog.
12:06I'm sorry.
12:07No, no.
12:08No, wait.
12:09You haven't heard the bad part yet.
12:12She was ugly, Doc.
12:15I mean, coyote ugly.
12:19My own dad.
12:20And the best excuse he could come up with was, uh,
12:23hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire.
12:26Hey!
12:31I just got that!
12:41I just keep thinking back to that time when dad made us try Little League.
12:45I'll never forget the humiliation of getting up to bat for the first time in my life.
12:49You and the other team all cry out,
12:53Move in, everybody!
12:55Crane's up!
12:58Yes, but they moved right back out again after you took your first swing.
13:01Only because the bat flew out of my hands.
13:06You worry too much.
13:09Your co-workers aren't expecting you to play brilliantly.
13:12No, I can live a thing badly in front of my co-workers.
13:15It's Frederick I'm worried about.
13:16He's still at that age where he thinks his father can do anything.
13:21Every child at some point must discover that his father is not a superhero.
13:26I know.
13:27It's a healthy part of the developmental process.
13:30I know, I know.
13:31Some days I'm going to have to learn that I'm not perfect.
13:33It's just...
13:35I was hoping it might be something less humiliating,
13:36like seeing a fast dance at a family wedding.
13:42You'll consider that less humiliating?
13:45Hello!
13:47Who's here?
13:48Oh!
13:49You two have fun while I was at work?
13:50Yes.
13:52Oh, yes.
13:53Went to the amusement park.
13:54We had a lovely time.
13:57Only I think the Ferris wheel scared him a bit.
14:00Spent the whole ride hugging me for dear life.
14:03Really?
14:04Her hair smells like strawberry.
14:10Mmm.
14:11It smells like peach blossoms, lavender and vanilla.
14:17From over here at least.
14:18Oh?
14:21Uncle Niles, are you coming to watch my dad play in the softball game?
14:25He's the best one on the team.
14:26Of course I am, Freddie.
14:28I'll be there, sitting right between you and Daphne.
14:33Well, good along, Frederick. Let's go and get some hot chocolate.
14:36Okay.
14:38So, you see the problem?
14:39I certainly do.
14:41No, that's your problem.
14:45The problem is that I promised Frederick I would play on Saturday.
14:48Guess I left with only one choice.
14:51You gonna fake an injury?
14:52No, of course not.
14:53I've got to learn how to play softball.
14:55In two days?
14:56Well, back in college when Stu Oberfeld got sick,
14:59I learned the role of Mercutio in just a day and a half.
15:01I was brilliant.
15:03God, even the dueling scene.
15:04The audience is on the edge of their seats.
15:06Yes, and they were under them when the sword flew out of your hands.
15:18Gee, Dad, I want to thank you for helping me out with this.
15:21Ah, don't mention it.
15:22We're going to whip you right into shape.
15:26See, it must have been kind of disappointing for you.
15:28I never took any interest in this sort of thing as a kid.
15:31Well, I understand.
15:33Guess this little complex I must have developed when I was growing up.
15:38You know, the doorbell would ring, I'd run to answer it.
15:40And then there'd be the neighborhood kids with baseball gloves and their bats looking for somebody else to join their game.
15:50It's the hate when your dad come out and play.
15:53Well, never mind that.
15:55You know, it's kind of fun to finally be out here.
15:59Well, at the risk of sounding like Stanley cornering Blanche DuBois in the streetcar,
16:04we've had this date with each other from the very beginning.
16:09I knew you'd ruin it.
16:10All right, come on, put your helmet on.
16:14Ow.
16:15Gee, wow, it's kind of tight.
16:17Yeah, well, it's supposed to.
16:18Stop you from getting hurt.
16:19Ow!
16:20Okay.
16:22All right.
16:23There you go.
16:25Now, take your bat, get into the stance, just like I told you.
16:30I'm going to turn the machine on.
16:33You know, the good thing about these balls is that they're all at the same level,
16:38so you can work on your form and your timing, all right?
16:42Okay, now, here we go.
16:45Ow!
16:47What is that, a pitching machine or a particle accelerator?
16:52All right, all right, I'll crank it down to a lower setting.
16:55Okay, now, just remember, left elbow in, right elbow up, knees bent,
17:03ball the weight on the balls of your feet, okay?
17:06Now, just step into the pitch.
17:11Oh, yeah, and swing the bat.
17:14Yeah, can't you just slow it down a little bit?
17:18All right, all right, but if any of the other fathers come back here,
17:21I'm taking it off the pee-wee setting.
17:23Okay, all right, now, from the hips.
17:27Nice and easy.
17:28Don't try to kill it, just try to make contact, okay?
17:31You ready?
17:34Ready!
17:37What are you looking at?
17:43Dad, you're looking at me!
17:45Get out of here!
17:46Go on, buzz off!
17:53Did you hear that?
17:54Did you hear that?
17:55I touched it that time, I did!
17:56No, I didn't.
17:57That was my knee cracking.
17:58Hey, you're doing a lot better, though.
17:59That's six in a row without hitting yourself in the kidney on your follow-through.
18:00Oh, my kid, this is hopeless.
18:02Oh, well, that's all right.
18:03Why don't we just try changing bats all day, please?
18:06I couldn't hit that ball if I had a sofa cushion.
18:07All right, sir.
18:08Softball's not your game.
18:09It's no big deal.
18:10Now, Freddy will understand that.
18:11Oh, I suppose in time he will...
18:13Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
18:17Ow.
18:18Oh.
18:19No boy ever forgets the first time he learns that his death is a criminal.
18:21Oh, I don't know.
18:22That's all right, so...
18:24Uh-oh.
18:25Oh.
18:26Oh.
18:27Oh, my kid, this is hopeless.
18:28Oh, well, that's all right.
18:30Why don't we just try changing bats all day, please?
18:32I couldn't hit that ball if I had a sofa cushion.
18:34All right, sir.
18:35Softball's not your game.
18:37It's no big deal.
18:38Now, Freddy will understand that.
18:39first time he learns that his dad isn't perfect. That's not what I wanted him to take away with
18:46him on this trip. Anyway, thanks for your help. Oh, I don't mention that. So, uh, Frazier,
18:53uh, what was it for you? Huh? Well, you know, I mean, uh, when you first found out that I was less
19:04than perfect. I don't know. Well, I thought you said a kid never forgets the first time. Well,
19:10maybe it was no one time. Oh, so it was a lot of times? Well, no, I just, I'm not very comfortable
19:17talking about it right now. Hey, you're not going to hurt my feelings. I'm just curious. All right.
19:22All right. Back in third grade, you took me and some of the boys from the math club out for pizza.
19:34When the check came, you couldn't figure out the tip in your head.
19:43I can't do math in my head. That's your big disappointment. Well, it wasn't the time.
19:49Wow. I wonder if I can calculate in my head how many hits you got today. Let me think.
19:54Oh, zero. Fine. Fine, dad. Get defensive. I was eight years old.
19:59Eight. Uh, that's the one shaped like the snowman, right?
20:02I'm sorry. I haven't even brought it up. God.
20:08I guess we're just going to have to bite the bullets, sit Frederick down on Saturday before
20:12the game and tell him the truth. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to, but I should prepare
20:21him for the fact that his daddy's not going to be hitting any grand slams on Saturday.
20:27Well, anyway, I suppose one consolation is, you know, it's as important as I was with you after the pizza
20:45incident. Yeah, here we are. All these years later, out in a batting cage.
20:50Yeah, that's right. Fine. I'll get us a couple of beers.
20:54Thanks, dad.
20:55And, uh, how many of these shiny things...
20:59Oh, shut up.
21:00Hello, man.
21:08Fraser, you look like an authentic jock. I'm half tempted to hand over my lunch money.
21:15Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
21:19Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.
21:30So, uh, how'd your little talk go with Frederick?
21:34Well, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.
21:38I guess, Mr. Father, you go to any lengths to avoid looking foolish in front of yourself.
21:43You look what Mrs. Storgerson was throwing out.
21:46Boy, the guys in my guineas are going to love this.
21:48Well, anywho...
21:58Frederick, what have I told you about running in the house?
22:03You told me to never run the house.
22:05What have I told you about splitting infinitives, Fraser?
22:09Let the boy be a boy.
22:11Don't run away. I saw you.
22:14Your son just walked right in on me in the shower.
22:17Frederick.
22:18Dad, all I really saw was...
22:19I am very disappointed in you, young man.
22:22Let the boy finish.
22:32All I really saw was a lot of steam.
22:36I'm sorry, Daphne.
22:37Daphne, I didn't know you were in the shower.
22:40Now you hate me.
22:41I don't hate you.
22:43You just have to promise to not before you enter a room, okay?
22:46Sorry, Dad.
22:52That's okay, son.
22:54So, why don't we go into the game?
22:57In a bit.
22:59First, we have to have a little conversation, the two of us.
23:03Uncle Niles, do you think you could give us a moment alone?
23:05Oh, of course.
23:06I'll freshen up for the game.
23:08You can fool them, but you can't fool me.
23:17I'm on to you, little man.
23:28Come on, Freddy.
23:30Come and have a seat here.
23:35Okay.
23:35Okay.
23:38You're going to see me play some softball today.
23:43Man, I'm not going to play very well.
23:47You see, I'm not a good softball player.
23:49But Bulldog said you were the best.
23:51Yes, I know.
23:52He was just lying in order to be nice.
23:57Truth is, I stink.
24:00Can't catch, can't throw, I can't hit.
24:03Oh.
24:03So, it must be pretty disappointing, here for the first time, that your dad's not perfect, huh?
24:11It's not the first time.
24:16You couldn't fix my computer.
24:19You thought Venus was the North Star.
24:21And, I've seen you run.
24:30Oh, why didn't you mention any of these things to me before?
24:34I thought it might hurt your self-esteem.
24:36Well, actually, Frederick, I'm really okay with those things.
24:43I am.
24:43I just want you to know that it's okay for you to feel bad about them.
24:48See, when I was about your age, I felt real bad about learning that your grandpa can't do math in his head.
24:54And, I learned later, of course, that everybody wasn't very important, because he can do so many other things so well.
25:00Grandpa can't do math in his head?
25:03Yes, we'll see.
25:07That's not really the issue.
25:08Why don't you go and tell him that?
25:10Well, I'm going to get a point.
25:12You mean you can't do it at all?
25:15Well, yeah, sure I can, Freddie.
25:17I knew you could.
25:19What's seven times fifteen?
25:22You could do it, Grandpa.
25:24A hundred and fifteen?
25:28Oh, Grandpa.
25:29Well, thanks a lot, Fraser.
25:30Why, why, for God's sake?
25:32Ready for the game?
25:34Yeah.
25:36Don't sound too excited.
25:38I just found out Dad's bad at softball and Grandpa can't do math in his head.
25:44Those things aren't important.
25:47What can I do to make you feel better?
25:49Maybe a hug?
25:50Oh, come here.
25:52Oh, there you go.
25:57Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
25:59Hey, baby, I hear the blues a call in, toss salads and scrambled eggs.
26:18Mercy.
26:18And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:23Yeah, maybe.
26:24But I got you pegged
26:25But I don't know what to do
26:30With those tossed salads
26:31And scrambled eggs
26:34They're calling again
26:38Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:43What is a boy to do?
26:48Good night, Seattle, we love you!
26:54Good night, Seattle!
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25:49
23:05
23:05
23:05
20:48
28:51
26:27