WATCH: Tika Sumpter on Apologizing as a Parent and Raising a Biracial Daughter

essencemagazine

The actress talks about her first children&#039;s book, &#039;I Got It From My Mama,&#039; and lessons she&#039;s teaching her child.

Transcript

00:00I've added the lesson or the narrative of apologizing and adoration to my new children's

00:06book. I got it from my mama because it's actually from my own experience. While we, you know,

00:12have adoration for our parents or whether you grew up with a single mom or a single dad or

00:17whoever that was, there was also points in time where, like you said, apologies were not there.

00:24And I literally wrote from my own experience and I wanted to kind of change the narrative of my life

00:31with my child. And I wanted to give her a voice, right? Like to let her know that her voice does

00:37matter. And I really do believe that if you don't give your, give the opportunity for your child to

00:44have a voice as a child, that child becomes an adult without the same voice. So that was really

00:50important for me. And I want it to be, it to be like a co-readership thing where, you know,

00:55sometimes we get those books and we're like, please don't pick up that book again. Please don't pick

00:59up that book again. I wanted parents to really have a good time reading and maybe having a conversation

01:07with their kid or a future conversation with their kid. Some of the traits I received from my mom

01:14is I think the great traits are grit, determination, not giving up. I really got those things from my

01:22mom and just seeing her, whether it was her struggle or her make it out of the struggle or,

01:27you know, different variations of where she was in life, just seeing her keep getting up

01:31after falling. That's something that I'm able to do and also pivot. And I think the challenging or

01:38the colorful things that I received from my mom, sometimes I think she just doesn't listen.

01:44And I don't listen sometimes. I'm very strong at it. You know, I, I guess as a kid, I wasn't,

01:52I don't feel like my mom's like, you were so quiet as a kid. You were very observant as a kid,

01:56but I'm such a strong willed person that I'm like the person you probably don't want to argue with

02:03because I'll argue with you for a while until you really, I feel like you understand what I'm saying.

02:08You don't have to agree with what I'm saying, but just can you understand me? Yeah.

02:11My upbringing informs the type of mother I am, but I feel like I'm half, half old school,

02:19half new school, modern, because while, you know, while I think a lot of parents think,

02:24oh, apology, that means giving apologies actually mean that they lose some kind of power over their

02:31child when I think it's just potential. And I think it's the opposite. You're giving them power

02:36to help them because I, like I said, I'm, I'm half old school, half new school, uh, old school.

02:42There's still boundaries set. I'm the parent, you know, there's still the look like girl, you know,

02:47you know, you know, but I think the new school is me asking questions and me actually listening to

02:56what, what the answers to those questions are. Raising a little girl who is biracial.

03:02I think she hasn't really totally grasped the whole black, white thing. She does say,

03:10wow, I'm glad you guys got together to make me, right? She's like, wow, you're black and he's white

03:15and you guys made me. This is great. You know? So she sees it as a great thing, which I think is

03:22awesome because I think she's going to pull different variations of things from each of us. Um,

03:27um, yeah, I, I, I'm just raising her to really just be a kind human being who can take responsibility

03:33in the world, apologize in the world and hopefully connect with other people who are like-minded and

03:41wanting things to be better. Right. And so, um, what I like about Ella, my daughter is she,

03:48she does ask a lot of questions about you as a human, you know, she wants to, she recently,

03:56what happened was we were with a bunch of friends and the friend was my, my husband's friend was so

04:01taken back by how much she was interested in like her, you know, she's like, I've never had an

04:07eight year old ask me, I haven't even had a 28 year old ask me questions. I think she's really,

04:12I think kids are into who are you? Not what can you do for me? Not who you are, but who are you?

04:19And I think that's just going to make a better world. So we haven't gotten there yet where,

04:22but she does, you know, we watched Martin, we watched things about Martin Luther King and she

04:27knows it. She doesn't, she does not understand how people were like the way they were. She's like,

04:32it does, it just baffles her. She's like, why? You know? And she does say, well, mom,

04:37would you have been treated differently? And I'm like, yeah, I would have been, you know? And she's

04:41like, how could they, you know, you know? So yeah, from the mouths of babes, you know,

04:46it's just the innocence of it all. Yeah. In the book, the mom does lose it, right? That's the real

04:53part of the book. And I think that's what moms are going to be like, yes, yes, I lose it. I'm not

04:58perfect. Okay. Um, so that's one thing I like, I love about this, but the way I use, you know, I,

05:06I take care of myself or self care per se. I, I tell my husband, I tell my daughter when I need a

05:14minute, like I can't have you talk to me anymore. Like I am overstimulated. I can't, I don't want,

05:20don't touch me right now. Like I say it nicely, but I'm like, I just need a moment and I need it to

05:26be quiet. Like literally I take a step back and say that and they get it. They rather me be that way

05:32than I'm snapping. And they're like, what's wrong with you? You know? And they don't understand that,

05:38but they understand when I am overwhelmed with just the environment at the moment. And then we

05:44move on. Once I I'll come back to them, they know I'm going to come back to them. And then, yeah,

05:49it's all good. You know, as a person who has an array of life things going on, whether it's career,

06:00mom, wife, all the things, I think something's always not balanced. Honestly, I don't know if I

06:06balance it perfectly. I balance it the best way that I can. And I try to give time to each thing,

06:13but there's always something, whether I, if I'm putting a bunch in my career, my husband probably

06:19wants more time, right? Like, or I'm putting, you know, more into my daughter. It's like, this thing

06:24needs to be emailed right now, you know? And it's, there's always something. So I think it's,

06:29it's, it's, it's a perfect imbalance of, of trying to balance everything, right? I don't think

06:37anybody does it perfectly, you know, and you obviously get help, you know, with different

06:43things. And my husband's definitely a great help to me when I need to have something done or take

06:48Ella or do those things. But I'm trying to get better at, you know, cutting off work at a certain

06:54time. And then, you know, just, this is family, like, this is it, you know? But when you're an

07:00entrepreneur, it's like, you know, it's a constant push and pull. I think it's kind of like an array

07:08of things for Essence for me. The black women in Hollywood is probably one of the most important

07:13ones for me. Just seeing a lot of women get their flowers per se, right? Whether, you know,

07:23or, or just seeing like your favorite humans that are there who you look at, like Cheryl Lee Ralph,

07:27you know, like seeing her, like just seeing all these people together. Ava, like I sat next to Ava

07:33DuVernay this year and it was, it was just like, you know, I've, I've, it's just like a beautiful

07:39moment of people who you look up to coming together. And, and, uh, I think Richard actually

07:44sat next to me too. Um, uh, yeah, there's just so many different people that you see and you're

07:50just like, but I also love the, um, the festival. I went to the festival before when Get On Up was

07:56coming out with Chadwick Boseman and, uh, and I was part of that. And just the way, first of all,

08:02I just think the way you guys create community with just the everyday people, I love that the most,

08:08like getting out there and feeling and touching and hugging and being like, girl, it felt like a

08:12real family reunion. You know, people feel like they know, you know, you and they're like, and

08:16you're like, girl, girl, you know what I mean? And I think you guys create, whether it's your

08:21magazine, whether it's, you know, the brands that you guys connect with to bring community together,

08:27whether it's the, uh, black women in Hollywood event, I think the thing you guys do amazing is

08:32bringing community together, whether they're in Hollywood or not. And I really enjoy that space of,

08:38like, just feeling, there's like a comfortability in it. And, and I, and there's a love that you

08:42leave with every time of like, gosh, I'm glad I went. You know what I mean? I also want to say happy

08:4855th Essence. You look amazing. I think, um, I'm just grateful for the support that I've been getting

08:54for the book and, uh, just touching on modern parenting. I always tell parents that you don't

09:01need to be perfect. You just need to be present and, uh, you need to, and hopefully look your kid

09:06in the eye. And even when you are tired, tell them you're tired. Cause when you tell them,

09:11they know you're not just snapping at them. I feel like the more vulnerable you can be,

09:16and I'm not telling you like cry and be like, Oh my God, you know what I mean? I'm telling you to

09:21communicate with your child because they will, they will understand how to deal with that rather

09:25than you just snapping at them. And we're going to all keep making mistakes, but they're like the

09:30little mirrors to help us be better people. And they really are mirrors to us. And we're like,

09:35it's like you either look in the mirror or you don't either way, a human's coming out of that

09:39household. So you might as well look in the mirror to be better. So my new book, my new children's book,

09:46I got it for my mama is available everywhere now at Target, Barnes and Nobles, Amazon. Um,

09:52yeah, all the places. So just check it out. You can also find me on Instagram at Tika Sumter and

09:58yeah, I hope you love the book as much as I do. Love you guys.

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