Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 16 Hal Coaches
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00:00Better cry.
00:02Sorry doesn't cut it, young man.
00:04This was a good idea.
00:07Just wish you had told me earlier.
00:09I was hiding outside for 45 minutes before I came in.
00:12I saw you.
00:15Yes, no, maybe.
00:19I don't know.
00:22Can you repeat the question?
00:26You're not the boss of me now.
00:28You're not the boss of me now.
00:32You're not the boss of me now.
00:34And you're not so big.
00:37You're not the boss of me now.
00:40You're not the boss of me now.
00:43You're not the boss of me now.
00:45And you're not so big.
00:50Life is unfair.
00:58Boys, you know how you've been hounding us for years for your own computer
01:09while your mother and I have arranged a deal with our nice neighbor, Ed, to get you one?
01:13I'm giving you my old laptop.
01:19Is it inside that?
01:21Nope, that's it.
01:22And in exchange, you're going to help Ed set up his new computer.
01:25It shouldn't be hard for a smart kid like you.
01:28All you have to do is install the sound and graphics cards
01:30and set up a wireless network for my broadband connection, and I'm good to go.
01:34And, Reese, you're going to help him re-sod his lawn and build a gazebo.
01:38What? No!
01:40Come on, boys. Nothing in this life comes free.
01:44Oh, Hal, here are those foreigner albums.
01:47Pleasure doing business with you.
01:52Oh, just be glad you're getting a computer.
01:55Maybe I should get a dog or a rat.
01:58Some dumb animal that at least knows how to work for a living.
02:02Yes, ma'am.
02:03Damn idiots never learn how to do one damn thing right your entire lives!
02:09Yes, ma'am.
02:10And the blood from my knees was tracking behind where I had already scrubbed,
02:16so I had to keep going around and around until finally she let me put dish towels on my knees.
02:23So how was your day?
02:24Did you make a lot of snow globes?
02:25I don't care about that.
02:27My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes.
02:32Someone ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails.
02:38I love you, too.
02:43If you want me, I'll be under my bed.
02:45Oh, come on, Dewey.
02:46It wasn't that bad.
02:47It was terrible.
02:49I hate soccer.
02:51I stink.
02:52My team stinks.
02:5327 to nothing doesn't reflect how close the first five minutes of the game were.
03:00Hey, you guys won the coin toss.
03:02I want to quit.
03:03Well, you can't quit.
03:04People don't just quit because they lose a couple games.
03:07The coach quit?
03:09No.
03:10He had an emotional breakdown.
03:11That's not the same thing.
03:13The point is you're not quitting.
03:16In fact, you know what?
03:19I'm going to coach you.
03:21What?
03:21Well, sure.
03:22This will be great.
03:24It'll give us a chance to hang out, spend a little time together, kick the ball around.
03:29Who knows?
03:31Someday you might just look back and say, boy, I sure had some fun with my old man.
03:37What do you say?
03:38No.
03:39Dewey, you are not quitting the team.
03:42I am going to coach you, and we are going to create treasured father-son memories, whether you want to or not.
03:49So what's on the hard drive?
03:56Nothing.
03:58He erased everything.
03:58No, he just thinks he did.
04:01He may have deleted all the programs, but he didn't format the drive.
04:04They never do.
04:07There it is.
04:11Let's check out what he's got in here.
04:12Let's go through his emails.
04:14Why?
04:15It's Ed.
04:16What's he going to...
04:18Oh, my God.
04:21Eddie.
04:23Last night was amazing.
04:24You touched me places my husband never knew existed.
04:28T. Goodwin.
04:29That's Mrs. Goodwin from down the block.
04:32That's horrible.
04:33They're both married.
04:35And fat.
04:37Look at this one.
04:38Edward.
04:39Edward, just saying your name turns me to jelly.
04:43That's Mrs. Fisher.
04:46Mrs. Conlon.
04:47Mrs. Wilson.
04:49Mrs. Belt.
04:50He's even with half the women in this neighborhood.
04:53Here's one from old Mrs. Swanback.
04:55Open the picture.
04:58Attachment.
04:58All right, kids.
05:07Let's huddle up.
05:07Huddle up.
05:08Come on.
05:09Hello there.
05:10My name is Hal.
05:12I'm the new coach.
05:14Now, I don't claim to know a lot about soccer, but I do know about being a young boy.
05:21And growing up can be tough.
05:22I know what it's like to be the class spaz, the fat kid, the nose picker.
05:31Just wipe it on the grass, huh?
05:34But together, we are more than that.
05:37And today, we're going to find out what it's like to be a team.
05:41Can we just forfeit and get a burger before the line gets too long?
05:45No.
05:46What we're going to do is go out on that field, and we are going to have some fun.
05:50You kids make me sick.
05:53If you're not puking from exhaustion, you're not playing hard enough.
05:58It's a beautiful day.
06:00Let's go out and enjoy the sunshine and play some soccer.
06:05You ripped our heads off.
06:07Do you hear me?
06:09Now stop crying.
06:10Stop crying, you little baby.
06:13Hey, fella, why don't you just ease up?
06:16Come on, they're just kids.
06:17You hear that, man?
06:18That's what a loser sounds like.
06:24All right, what do you say?
06:26We go out and give it our best and have some fun!
06:32It was 48-0 before the half.
06:35I had to call it.
06:36Of course.
06:38Two, four, six, eight!
06:40Who did we annihilate?
06:41We annihilate the Tigers!
06:43The Tigers!
06:45We hail the Tigers!
06:47Yeah!
06:52Hey, Stevie.
06:54You were supposed to meet me at the library.
06:59Oh, yeah.
07:00Sorry.
07:01You know, I actually found something decent on Ed's computer.
07:05The Virts!
07:07Yeah.
07:08You create a virtual family, put them in different situations, and the computer plays out their lives.
07:13I'm putting in the characters right now.
07:15Is that...
07:17your mom?
07:19Not yet.
07:20Grease.
07:28Make sure you capture the blackness of his soul.
07:37Aggressiveness, 10.
07:40Hygiene, 0.
07:42Okay, now me.
07:45Appearance, 9.
07:47No, 10.
07:5010 for intelligence and social skills, 10.
07:55Too bad it doesn't go higher.
07:59I have social skills, jackass.
08:03Okay, it's dinner time.
08:13Where's Malcolm?
08:15Looking at himself.
08:18In the mirror.
08:23How you doing?
08:25I'm hot and I'm bored.
08:27What is this stuff?
08:28It smells awful.
08:31What are you doing?
08:33There's bear patches all over the place.
08:36Are you even paying attention to what you're doing?
08:39Hey, I get grunted plenty, Ed.
08:40I know how to do grunt work.
08:43So why don't you just go fix Mrs. Conlon's garage door and get off my back.
08:48What did you say?
08:49You heard me.
08:49Oh, my God.
08:51What do you know?
08:52Everything.
08:54You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer.
08:57Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, you are sick.
09:02Keep your voice down.
09:04Look, it's not my fault.
09:06I try to be faithful, but the women on this block are just so desperate and lonely.
09:13It's like I cast some kind of spell.
09:18I try to tell them no, but it always leads to a back rub.
09:22I know, Ed.
09:23I read all about it.
09:25Is that you, Ed?
09:26Uh, I'm a little busy right now, Martha.
09:35Look, you can't tell my wife.
09:38You can't tell anyone.
09:40Please.
09:42I'll do anything.
09:43I'll do anything you ask.
09:44Look, I can work with that.
09:49Damn these lockers.
09:51Don't you know somebody's got to clean up their caribou carcass?
09:55These antlers won't fit down the disposal.
09:58Oh, hey, Francis.
09:59Come away from there.
10:01You don't have to do that.
10:03You're much too valuable an employee to mess with that.
10:07But yesterday you said you'd seen tumors with hair that were smarter than me.
10:11Can't you tell good-natured ribbing?
10:13I got a more important job for you.
10:17Why don't you sit in that chair and check out the reception on the TV?
10:21It's been kind of spotty lately.
10:23Oh, and make sure these sodas haven't gone flat.
10:28That sounds doable.
10:32We got other people to do the grunt work.
10:35A newlywed like you shouldn't be tiring himself out before he even gets home.
10:40Your lovely young wife wouldn't like that, would she?
10:43What did you do?
10:49I don't know what you're talking about, honey.
10:52Lavernia is being nice to me.
10:54She's treating me like a human being.
10:56What did you do to her?
10:58Maybe she turned over a new leaf.
11:00Sometimes really big crappy jerks just realize they got a change in ways.
11:05This woman was terrified, and I've never seen her scared of anything.
11:09I don't know how you threatened her, but you must have said something.
11:12I wouldn't do that, Francis.
11:14You're the man.
11:15I'm not going to fight your battles for you.
11:17Obviously, that's not true.
11:20Now, damn it, you were going to tell me what you did.
11:23You know what?
11:24I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.
11:29And you might want to reconsider your tone of voice.
11:34Sometimes you can make me so mad.
11:37All right, look, today's practice was, well, let's focus on the positive.
11:51I think it's encouraging that so many of you found the right feel.
11:56And a special congratulations go to Billy for using the sidestep that we practiced to run away from the butterfly that almost landed near him.
12:07But we do need to work on your general unwillingness to kick the ball.
12:14It hurts.
12:16Boys, if we are going to get better, we're going to have to work together.
12:21We're going to have to start acting like a team.
12:23You know what it means to be on a team, don't you?
12:31Well, don't...
12:32Come on, think of a team.
12:36Like the X-Men?
12:37Yes!
12:38Yes!
12:40Yes!
12:41Like the X-Men.
12:42You boys are like the X-Men.
12:45And what do the X-Men do?
12:48Fight evil?
12:50Yes, they work together.
12:53To fight evil.
12:55And also to uphold the ideals of good sportsmanship and teamwork.
13:02And fight evil!
13:04Yes!
13:04Yes!
13:04Yes!
13:05Yes!
13:05Yes!
13:05Yes!
13:06Yes!
13:06Yes!
13:07Yes!
13:07Yes!
13:08Yes!
13:08Yes!
13:09Yes!
13:09Okay, okay, boys, come on, come on, come on, come on, huddle up, huddle up.
13:12I should not be telling you this, but the American Youth Soccer Federation has been infiltrated
13:21by evil forces, hell-bent on total domination of the Earth.
13:26Now, the infiltration goes all the way down to the lowest levels, I'm talking.
13:31The Blackhawks, the Bulldogs, the Eagles, every other team in our league has been lost
13:39to the forces of evil, and it's up to you boys to stop them.
13:45Now, boys, what do you say?
13:47Hmm?
13:47Who wants to be on the side of goodness and virtue, and who wants to rid the world of
13:53evil?
13:59Boys, boys, let's get out there and do some kinky drills!
14:03Let's go!
14:05Get up!
14:06Can you please start working?
14:18Just one more second.
14:20This is really interesting.
14:21I just made my mom quit her crappy job and go to law school.
14:25It's less money, but her happiness level went way up.
14:29I made my dad quit, too.
14:30All he's doing is working on neighbor's cars, but check out his happiness level.
14:36But I still think they could be happier.
14:41Let's send Reese to China.
14:44What are you changing about Malcolm?
14:49Nothing, he's fine.
14:50He's burning himself with a cigarette.
14:57Just a phase.
15:06Where were you?
15:07I've been waiting ten minutes for that lotion.
15:09Look at this.
15:10I'm starting to freckle.
15:11Look, Reese, my wife gets back soon.
15:14I'm going to have a hard time explaining why I'm catering to a 15-year-old boy.
15:19I'll explain to her if you want me to.
15:21It's okay.
15:22Forget I mentioned it.
15:23Fly.
15:24Where?
15:25Just a drill.
15:26Well, the oak seems to burn a few degrees hotter than the maple.
15:41Oh, this game is asinine.
15:44I thought you liked it.
15:47No, this is idiotic programming.
15:49My family has turned out horrible.
15:51My mom finished law school and became a Supreme Court Justice.
15:55Reese is the king of China.
15:57And my dad is a millionaire from his chain of auto body shops.
16:01Why is Malcolm sneaking scotch from the toilet tank?
16:06He won't stop drinking.
16:08That's his second bottle since breakfast.
16:10I am so done with this game.
16:15No.
16:16You know what?
16:17I'll move them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers.
16:19That ought to level out the playing field.
16:24Hi, honey.
16:25This is great.
16:26You're home early.
16:28And you don't come home so mad anymore.
16:31I think we may have to split up.
16:35What?
16:36I'm not sure this marriage is working.
16:39I mean, I love you, but I don't know you that well.
16:42Hell, I can't even pronounce your last name.
16:44Ta-na-na-ha-a-kna.
16:47And then with this whole Lavergna thing, I'm starting to think there's a side to...
16:51I don't understand.
16:53If someone does something because they love someone and it solves the problem, then...
16:57No!
16:59Marriage is supposed to be about trust and communication and not being terrified.
17:04We're supposed to be a team, I thought.
17:10Look, I'm going to ask you one last time for the sake of our marriage.
17:17What did you do?
17:20I took her parakeet.
17:22What?
17:23I took her parakeet.
17:26You stole the woman's pet?
17:29The woman's pet?
17:31You protect the people that you love.
17:34I figured you'd do the same for me.
17:36But I would tell you!
17:38If I was going to grab someone's parakeet and hold it hostage...
17:42Well, gee, I wouldn't do that.
17:45How long were you going to keep it for anyway?
17:48Till she behaved.
17:50And if she didn't, I guess I'd have killed it.
17:53See?
17:54That's where it gets alarming again.
17:57But putting aside the horrible nature of the act itself...
18:01What's really upsetting is that you made this unilateral decision.
18:05I said I was sorry!
18:07How many times do you want me to say it?
18:09You didn't say you were sorry!
18:10And what about you?
18:12You were going to break up with me!
18:14You think that makes me feel safe?
18:17You're right.
18:18I'm sorry.
18:23Wait!
18:24No!
18:25I'm not apologizing here!
18:27We need to bring this bird back...
18:28And if I do it, she's going to think I was involved.
18:31You made this mess without me.
18:33You cleaned it up without me!
18:35Or what?
18:38Or maybe I'll do it for you!
18:41And you!
18:44Have dinner ready when I get back!
18:47Look, Ed.
18:51School gets out at 3.
18:53It is 2.15.
18:54I've been waiting around for over an hour.
18:56Sorry, Reese.
18:58Excuse me!
19:01Damn!
19:01Hurry up!
19:02Get in the car!
19:03Hello, I'm Mrs. Abbott.
19:04Reese's guidance counselor.
19:06I've been trying to talk to you about your son for the past three weeks.
19:10Well, I'm here now.
19:16What can I do for you?
19:21You have to stop this!
19:24Stupid game!
19:25This is ridiculous!
19:27Everybody in my family is, like, perfect!
19:29My mom is president, Reese is married to six supermodels, and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extraterrestrials.
19:37Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever if I give them money, if I take it away, if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian.
19:48Everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me!
19:52Dewey just became Pope.
19:56And I weigh 500 pounds!
20:00That's it.
20:01I'm just gonna have to kill them.
20:03Go to counter.
20:05Get knife.
20:07Kill them.
20:09No!
20:10Don't make yourself a sandwich!
20:13Kill!
20:14Kill!
20:16No, not yourself!
20:17Don't kill!
20:19Don't kill!
20:21You stupid, fat bastard!
20:26Kill!
20:31Ugh!
20:44This means nothing!
20:49So, Dad, are you gonna ground me?
20:51Boy, your counselor was furious.
20:54So how about we head back to your place?
20:56You can set up your jacuzzi, and then you can throw something in the barbecue for me.
21:01I've got a better idea.
21:03I'll get in my jacuzzi, and you'll fix dinner for me.
21:07What are you talking about?
21:08With the information I just got on you, I can call your mother, and you won't see daylight for years.
21:14Oh, yeah?
21:16One word, and I'm telling your wife your little secret.
21:20I guess the question is, am I more scared of my wife?
21:26Or are you more scared of your mother?
21:27Then, get a dozen peach roses.
21:33They gotta be peach.
21:35And run them over to Mrs. Malone's.
21:38Laverna!
21:45I'm sorry.
21:47I just talked to my wife, and it turns out that this was all a big misunderstanding.
21:51She's sorry, too, and we just want you to have...
21:55I guess I should have put a blanket on this on the way over.
22:03I just want you to know that I...
22:07Okay, boys, look, we have come a long way, and today is the day we show what we're made of.
22:17Now, who are we?
22:20The Morgans of Goods!
22:22And who's evil?
22:24The Gophers!
22:26Yeah!
22:28We've got a schedule change, Coach.
22:31The Gophers didn't show up, so you're playing the Blackhawks again.
22:35Don't worry.
22:36I'll call before it gets too ugly.
22:39We're playing the Blackhawks again?
22:41Boys, boys, listen to me.
22:43You're forgetting your mission.
22:45You're here to fight evil, and the Blackhawks are the most evil of all.
22:50You know when the teacher remembers to give you homework right before you're leaving school at the end of the day?
22:56The Blackhawks are behind it.
22:58When your mother says you can't watch TV for no reason, the Blackhawks told her to say that!
23:05When you didn't get the Christmas presents that you wanted, do you know who got them?
23:10The Blackhawks.
23:11If it were up to them, we wouldn't even have a Christmas.
23:15I, for one, am glad that we have the chance to fight for what is right and good in this world!
23:23Now I ask you boys, who are we going to be?
23:26The Blackhawks!
23:28And what are they?
23:30Evil!
23:31Yeah!
23:32Teams, take the field!
23:33I love you, boys!
23:34I love you, boys!
23:39Ah, well, I've done all the coaching I could do.
23:42The rest is up to them.
23:43Yep.
23:51Ah!
23:57Ah!
24:02Oh, my God!
24:03Ah!
24:04He chocked people to her!
24:08Oh my God.
24:09No, we couldn't stop him if we wanted to.
24:20So you just left the truck there and ran all the way home?
24:24Hey, you didn't see the look on her face.
24:26I'm kind of scared of even going to work tomorrow.
24:30You know, she does have a turtle.
24:34I'm kind of scared of even going to work tomorrow.
25:04So I'm kind of scared of even going to work tomorrow.
25:07So we're out of here.
25:17We're in here.
25:18We're out of here.
25:18I love you.