- 4/12/2025
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00:00thank you so much Komal Simriti Ji joining us from Canada and you are PhD at the same time PCC
00:16and SP and you're into leadership and relation relationship coach which is like certainly a
00:25wonderful possibility and opportunity for our audience to have you on this platform so that
00:31we can you know see your perceptions and when you think about this important topic the topic is also
00:38very important and in fact we are very much glad because we are covering this topic for the very
00:43first time on the platform of Riesel the topic is the silent marriage crisis how concise parenting
00:50is saving or separating couples in 2025 which is like important because in our societal setups we
00:57see many marriages being broken apart and falling apart and multiple challenges and disconnects and
01:04different grounds but that's a different narrative altogether but the platform of Riesel is like
01:09stepping through the noise to cause your most relevant and reliable sociological interpretations
01:15and narratives to make a society a better possibility for human existence altogether collectively once
01:21again thank you so much ma'am joining us from Canada so I would like to sort of you know ask you my first
01:27question which is very important question says is parenting today breaking or building modern marriages
01:34thank you so much for connecting with me reaching out and before I answer this question it's really
01:44important to bring in what lens I'm coming from like you said that I'm a professional coach and I did my PhD in
01:51relationship management back in 2001 and personally both the topics of marriage and parenting are very
02:02very important for me I'm a mother I've been a full-time working professional and in person also I have gone
02:11through some challenges like you know how in marriage and while this question is very important where we
02:20are focusing and reflecting on both the relationship of marriage and relationship of parenting and how they
02:26kind of interact with each other but one thing I would say is that these days when we are seeing a kind of
02:35epidemic happening around marriages parenting becomes very very important however that's not the only reason
02:43why marriages are breaking down so my lens is that parenting can of course it definitely definitely poses a lot of
02:54challenges and demands on the marriages because if you look at today's society we are becoming more and more
03:02individuals we no longer are living in those group setups where we have the whole village around us to support us when we
03:12become parents and it's absolutely true that it takes a whole village to raise a child working on the couples mind these days
03:24these days there are a lot of aspirations and goals for their own life right they want to live a certain kind of life or
03:33certain standard of life which requires which poses you know additional challenges on marriage and another thing is a
03:43acute lack of learning mindset because I look at both marriage and and then
03:54eventually parenting as different schools of learning about life but somehow when we do not enter into these
04:03institutions with that mindset that it these will demand us to look within ourselves and change ourselves completely then it
04:13definitely pose such kind of challenge which makes us pray
04:18however if we have the right kind of mindset I think parenting can be a very very beautiful milestone in our lives and it can really be a very
04:30grounding force so if I bring in my own personal experience I believe and I know now by my experience if I wouldn't be a parent I would have
04:41I would have properly really wrecked my marriage long time back
04:48because having children and knowing that yes you are actually responsible for two lives who have come who've chosen to be your children in this life
05:04it can even bring out a lot of energy lot of it can give you a lot of anchoring
05:11anchoring instability this can help you not you know come in your own way or your own desires
05:19so I think it completely depends on the mindset the awareness and the beliefs and ideas of the people
05:27how do they actually look at the relationship of marriage and how do they look at parenting if parenting is only a
05:35yes it will be very exhausting
05:42but if we look at it from a different perspective and say okay what is it really it can really strengthen and harness our marriages as well
05:53because one thing which I could say my personal life journey is a little bit crazy for a lot of people to understand
06:02me and my husband we were married for 13 years when we decided to divorce and part ways
06:10being parents was definitely not one of the reasons there were a lot of other reasons and so we parted ways and after six years
06:21we again came together and got married again for the second time and there I would say in between that period of separation
06:34what really made us eventually come back together was the fact that both of us were parents both of us were responsible for our children
06:46and they were a glue in between us which eventually brought us back so I would say in my personal experience
06:55parenting eventually helped save the marriage instead of breaking it down
07:02however I'm absolutely aware that in a lot of people's life
07:07becoming a parent after being the couple can really really impose a lot of challenges
07:19but I would say we just need the right perspective
07:22thank you for letting us know on this important questions
07:26question how parenting is important and you've also thrown like like nowadays the life is happening more individual life
07:34it's not deep life and collectivism is missing
07:37which like in sociological terms like you may program has talked about one of the classical things
07:42or speaking about mechanical and organic solidarity quite similar and compatible
07:48would like to move on to my second question which is again one question says
07:53why do couples stop dating each other after kids
07:59this is a very interesting question and I would say
08:05dating as an idea not all the cultures might relate or connect to it
08:12so if I expand on this a little bit I would say maybe the question stands as in
08:18why do couples stop paying attention to each other or stop you know
08:24asking or craving for each other's presence after becoming parents
08:29and one of the reasons I think is very very biological as well
08:33because when especially for women more so that when a woman becomes a mother and she has children you know
08:43all of her in the care of the child right which eventually brings in a lot of internal hormonal changes in her
08:51where her interest is more and attention is more for the child and not really for the partner
09:00and so as it happens naturally with women it doesn't happen as naturally with men
09:06however with men it happens in a different way
09:08there are more social demands on them
09:11when the mother is in the care of the children of course the man or the father is required to kind of
09:20bear the burden of the additional responsibilities
09:24and how it changes men is that they are very future oriented they are very solution oriented
09:31they would like to create more safety around for their household
09:35so it is very very natural for both of them to not look at each look towards each other
09:44but to look at their own responsibilities
09:46and I think that is primarily the reason why
09:52dating or maybe just making time for each other
09:59actually requires a very intentional a very thought out time they need to carve out
10:08and then it also depends on what are the demands of life on them
10:13do they have that kind of time and energy available to them
10:18and so some people are able to do that and some are not able to do that
10:24and so for me I think that's the biggest reason because it's the nature of demand
10:33which takes you a little bit away from each other
10:37so that you can be in your duties or in your roles of being a parent
10:46and one interesting dynamic of it also I would say it's not necessarily that this thing is impacted by being parents
10:57a lot of people who go through love marriage and not the arranged marriages right
11:03would notice that after marriage after getting married they are not getting the same kind of attention from their partner
11:11as they were early in the courting period or when they were you know dating each other
11:18even that can happen without having any children in the mix
11:22and so that I would say is also something which happens very very naturally because your mindsets change
11:28because before getting married you are attracted to each other
11:32there's a lot of that biological attraction happening
11:36and then also your goal and your aim is to you know be with the other person
11:41but after marriage you have acquired that goal so what next?
11:47so it is natural to happen that change is going to happen
11:53so I would say that dating requires intention
11:59carving out intentional time and saying why it is still important for us to you know make time for each other
12:08Thank you so much for letting us know because our biological dynamics and our thought process will change once we have a different stage of journey
12:20well being a male or being a female our focus might differ to an extent
12:26uh responding to the second question that's important a good narrative a good theory and empirical support that you've given
12:33answering this question would like to move on to my third question again an important question says
12:40can love survive in the age of co-parenting and shared calendars
12:49it's a very very interesting question and
12:56it makes me take a pause and think
13:00that it eventually boils down to what is our idea of love
13:06how do we look at love and define it for ourselves
13:11if we just define it as an emotion of course it is fleeting
13:16and the more challenges they'll come in the way we'll feel like oh it's vanishing and it's going away from us
13:23it's no longer there
13:25however
13:27for me love is not a fleeting emotion
13:32it's a state of consciousness
13:35it's a state where that where we can operate from
13:39but till the time we have understood and that love is actually a state in which we can live and still continue to feel different ranges of emotions
13:54then nothing is really a challenge
14:01in my view
14:03co-parenting
14:06is possible only because people recognize the need of something bigger than you know themselves
14:13even after say your marriage is not working
14:20which means as husband and wife probably you are not working well with each other
14:24however you recognize your responsibility to your parents to your children
14:29and you say okay we will co-parent we will fulfill whatever our duties are
14:34it's just not possible without you being in that state of love
14:42it is a little philosophical but I think it is absolutely true
14:49because for me love is very simple
14:52your ability to look beyond yourself
14:56and consider other people
14:58and how you are connected with them
15:01and what are your responsibilities
15:04what are your duties towards them
15:09it is just not possible without love in the backdrop of your existence
15:16what we call as dharma in our Hindu traditions
15:20you know being aware of what your dharma is
15:23it happens it becomes possible only because of love
15:27so where does that question come from
15:30like does love survive or not
15:33maybe because in the form that we experience love
15:37which is actually not love
15:40which is probably attention
15:42which is probably attachment
15:45which is probably attraction
15:47so I think it is
15:50important for us to say that
15:52how we are seeing and experiencing love
15:56would make a difference
15:58if we just continue to experience love
16:02that oh my partner is paying attention to me
16:04they are bringing in gifts to me
16:05and this is how I experience love
16:08then yeah maybe there is a change in that
16:11but if love is like a backdrop
16:15under which all your life is existing
16:17then of course
16:19everything that you do is
16:21is full of love
16:23you making that time to just figure out
16:27how somebody's time is allocated
16:31and how much is available for you
16:34is also an act of love
16:36or an act of service for each other
16:38often because
16:42love surviving
16:44many people say that love only happens in the books
16:47maybe in theory
16:48it exists
16:50but the question then automatically crops up
16:52if it is existing in theory
16:55how can it be possible without empirical data
16:58because theoretically looking into it scientifically and academically
17:02that the theory can only happen when there is something existing in practical domain
17:06in a lay language
17:08like empirical possibility must happen before a theoretical possibility happens
17:13so yeah great and deep insight
17:16thanks a lot for that
17:18would like to move on to my fourth question
17:20the important question says
17:22who carries emotion weight in your relationship and why?
17:27the simplest answer to that question is
17:30whoever is emotionally sensitive but not intelligent
17:36is going to carry the weight of emotions
17:42because carrying the weight of emotions means that you are experiencing them
17:47you are, you know, sensing
17:51however, you are being driven by those emotions
17:55whether you are getting overburdened
18:00whether you are in fear
18:02or exhaustion
18:04or any kind of other emotions
18:07if you are not
18:09intelligent as to
18:11what exactly this emotion is
18:14and how is it impacting me
18:16and how can I take charge of it
18:19instead of getting swayed by this emotion
18:21then of course you are burdened
18:23then of course it is a weight on our shoulders
18:26however, if we are emotionally aware
18:30if we are expressive enough
18:33if we know that okay
18:35this emotion is telling me something important about me
18:39about the other person
18:41about how I am viewing them
18:43then it's not a weight anymore
18:44it gets very
18:49you know, sometimes people would
18:52blame the
18:54one partner to say
18:56oh you are not emotional at all
18:58or somebody said
18:59why are you so emotional
19:01I would say that
19:03whoever is human
19:05has emotions in them
19:07emotions are the very construct of us
19:09how
19:11what makes a difference is
19:12how much we are in touch with
19:16that emotion
19:18do we have an ability to identify
19:20those emotions within ourselves
19:22and then in other people
19:24so I think it definitely boils down to
19:26our emotional intelligence
19:30and so some people are more in charge
19:32or in command of their emotions
19:34which means doesn't mean that they are not
19:36feeling or they do not have the capacity
19:38to feel the emotions
19:39but they can really
19:42put them aside
19:44and still be present to the situation
19:47or to the demands
19:49whatever is required
19:51and the burden goes to the one
19:53who is not intelligent enough to say
19:55what to do with these emotions
19:57okay
19:59and so that's why I feel
20:01in marriage
20:03especially for parents
20:05learning a little bit more about
20:06emotions
20:08and being emotionally aware and intelligent
20:10is something very very key
20:12thank you for responding to this important question
20:15emotional weight
20:17weight in your relationship and why
20:19and it's tricky
20:21and people have to be
20:23have got to be emotionally intelligent
20:25otherwise they suffer
20:27so thanks a lot
20:29would like to move on to my fifth question
20:31which is a wrap-up question also
20:33final question
20:35but very important question
20:37are we raising children
20:39or sacrificing our relationship for them
20:42that's a very good question
20:47I would say the answer to this would depend on
20:53what do we mean by sacrifice
20:56and how and what do we think about sacrifice
20:59if we think about sacrifice
21:01if we think about sacrifice
21:03is something wrong
21:05that we are
21:07you know
21:09losing something from us
21:11or
21:13sacrifice is something
21:15that we recognize and realize
21:17the importance and significance of
21:19more important than where we are
21:22so I think it's very important to consider
21:25our own meaning of sacrifice in here
21:29because it definitely
21:31raising children
21:33require a lot of time
21:35attention energy
21:37presence
21:39which can definitely take away
21:41a lot of time attention and presence
21:43from your relationship
21:45that doesn't necessarily
21:47makes it go away
21:49maybe that makes it a little more stronger
21:52I'll give you another analogy to this
21:58see, the way human mind functions is that
22:03we become the creatures of habit
22:06and habit is simply what
22:08that we
22:10becomes so adapt and so good at something
22:13that we do not need to use the same amount of energy
22:17in order to achieve the same kind of results
22:20once some muscle gets stronger
22:23it needs less and less of our energy and attention
22:27so that energy is accessible to us
22:30to put somewhere else
22:32right?
22:33like you drive your car
22:35through one route every day
22:37you become so adapt
22:39you learn that route that
22:41eventually you are not paying very active attention to it
22:43it becomes your unconscious expertise
22:46I think same can happen with our relationships too
22:52if we have really
22:55developed strong, trusting, respectful relationships
23:01with our partners
23:03then when we are raising children
23:07we really do not even need that kind of a conscious energy
23:11to put in our relationship because
23:12that has already given us a solid platform
23:17so would we say that we have sacrificed it?
23:20or would we say that
23:22actually we have made it so strong that now
23:25it enables us to pay attention to something else
23:30however, if we haven't built that strong
23:34platform or foundation in our relationship
23:36then definitely it will feel like we are
23:41letting it go or we are sacrificing in that manner
23:47because our attention is elsewhere
23:53so I would say just recognizing that
23:56once you marry
23:58and when you both would want to have children
24:01then that is what will be demanded from you
24:05and so to pay more attention
24:08stabilize that foundation of marital relationship prior
24:13and then be okay with
24:16okay, yes
24:18and somewhere I think the resilience
24:20or the strength of a system
24:23or a relationship is tested in
24:26how less it needs to stay healthy
24:29to sustain
24:33if you have to
24:35your partner every day
24:37to make a sweet, healthy
24:39sweet relationship
24:41I would say maybe it's not that strong
24:43maybe it's not that healthy
24:45that if you have to prove to them every day
24:48whereas if you have cultivated that inner strength
24:52and inner resilience in your relationship
24:54you may do not even need to say that
24:56oh the food was very good today
24:59or you looked very good today
25:00because your partner knows
25:02they have reached that level of
25:05noticing those subtle hints that
25:08have you eaten something that's so much of satisfaction
25:10they can see and know that
25:12yeah, you liked it
25:14or you did not like it
25:16so I would say the strong relationships
25:19are the ones where
25:21you really do not need
25:23much to say
25:25to ask
25:27but your presence is sufficient
25:29because
25:31you have found that inner connection
25:33so thank you so much
25:35giving your thoughts and
25:37your perception on this important topic
25:39silent marriage crisis
25:41you've talked about parenting today
25:43breaking or building
25:45modern marriages
25:46why do couples stop dating
25:47after they have children
25:49can love survive
25:51and sort of speaking on this important topic
25:53it's really a wonderful topic
25:55silent marriage and crisis
25:57as you are already familiar
25:59that Riso is a platform where we
26:01try to step through the noise to cause you
26:03made you clear of inception of the video
26:05that giving you sociological interpretations
26:08and narratives touching different domains
26:10and perspectives
26:12which matter today in our society
26:14it's one of the topic which is a matter of great concern
26:16and thanks a lot of pairing on the platform of Riso
26:19and giving your comments
26:21and I'm sure that it's going to be a major chunk of benefit
26:23for our audience to listen and sort of you know
26:25have a look at your perceptions
26:27and it's going to be a record sociology
26:29we're going to be recording
26:31so once again thank you so much ma'am joining us from Canada
26:34Thank you so much Dr. Surinder
26:37it's been a pleasure
26:38for the sake of our audience
26:39and thank you very much
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26:50in this discussion
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