For many years, these lovers pretended to be cousins to live in the same apartment. Today, they have their own home. Filmmaker Apurva Asrani and music curator partner Siddhant Pillai told Brut what it means to be a gay couple in India.
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00:00So, we are not good planners at all, but in a way it was calculated and then we were sure
00:08that this was the place where we wanted to, you know, we wanted to call home.
00:16The impression people have of gay men and stuff is that they're not with one person.
00:21They will be with several other people, you know, and not stick with one person.
00:26So, people keep looking at us, why there are two guys here, and then we have to say,
00:30he's my cousin, he's here for the exam.
00:33So, how did we meet? Sid, you say how we met.
00:38We met on a friend's Orkut warm, actually.
00:42Remember Orkut, before Facebook, we were all meeting on Orkut, yeah.
00:46It was Valentine's Day, okay, and I was so cheesy that I decided, what to do,
00:54I'm not a filmy guy at all, you know, so I decided to basically propose, see, in our
01:01world, propose is what, you know, it's just that, will you move in with me?
01:05Correct?
01:06No.
01:07I mean, what else?
01:08Like, there's no concept of engagement and marriage and all those things, right?
01:12Yeah.
01:13Yeah.
01:14Okay.
01:15We'll get to that later.
01:16So, the propose meant like, you know, you want to move in together, you know, and so
01:22I picked, like a complete filmy, I picked Valentine's Day, 14th Feb, and there's this
01:28beautiful venue and whatever, okay, and during dinner and whatever, I asked him that, you
01:35know, will you move in with me and whatever, and he said, yes.
01:43We took a nice long walk and we discussed how, and he was like, my parents are not going
01:49to want me to move in.
01:50How do I tell my mother?
01:51And his mother used to call him every time he was out, are you coming home?
01:54I'm waiting for you.
01:55Yeah.
01:56Like my mom had a rule, like basically no matter how late it got, you just have to get
02:00back home.
02:01So, I would be out like till 2-3 in the morning and then come what may, I had to like peel
02:07myself out of whatever situation I was in and go back home.
02:10And which often meant that, like, I'm just waiting for Apu to fall asleep and then I
02:16would like creep out of the room without making a noise because he's a light sleeper.
02:21Yeah.
02:22I never wanted him to leave.
02:246-8 months and then I moved in with him.
02:27Yeah.
02:28Yeah.
02:29Six months later, he moved in with his poor parents.
02:31They were so horrified.
02:32Why?
02:33What will I tell people?
02:34Why do you have to leave the house?
02:35Go stay there.
02:36Sometimes I'd come back and whatever.
02:38Because I don't think he had come out to his parents then.
02:41No, I hadn't come out, but I had given all the signs.
02:44I don't think I left any, you know, like unsolved clue in their head about me being gay.
02:51But as long as you don't say the words I'm saying to your parents.
02:54Parents are like that.
02:55They will deny it.
02:57You can be wearing a pink flamingo dress and dancing on heels and doing a ballet in front
03:03of them.
03:04Okay.
03:05And listening to George Michael and Elton John and whatever.
03:09They will not know at all.
03:11They will not.
03:12You have to say it literally.
03:14And then also, you know, if you don't say it loud enough, they'll pretend.
03:17Yeah.
03:18They'll still try to change your mind and question it and what not.
03:21Yeah.
03:22But yeah, so that's how we got together finally.
03:25But in between, we took like two, three holidays to test the relationship, to see if we can
03:30spend three days together, one week together.
03:33So we did all these dry runs also.
03:35So 2008, we moved in together.
03:40Then we moved to a couple of houses in Bombay.
03:43We eventually found ourselves in Bangalore.
03:45And then my parents were going to come to stay with us.
03:48And we had a 3BHK apartment in Bangalore.
03:50So initially we decided that, okay, so you take one bedroom, I'll take one bedroom.
03:55Parents will have the guest bedroom.
03:56We will pretend to be flatmates.
03:58And that's it.
03:59Done.
04:00We had done the full planning and set.
04:02And we were used to doing that, you know.
04:04The places we were renting also, you know, we could not tell them we are partners.
04:08You know, obviously not.
04:09Okay.
04:10And then second thing is, you know, in the big city, especially in Bombay, I don't know
04:13about so many other places, you know, where there's so much demand for the apartments.
04:18So the people there are, they don't like to give it to bachelors.
04:21They don't like to give it to single people.
04:23They only want to give it to family.
04:25So we had to tell lies.
04:27Like the agent used to tell us to tell lies.
04:30And then mummy had to come for the meeting, you know, and say,
04:36I'll come to stay with them for a few days.
04:38Him, him, no them.
04:40There was no them in the meeting, society meeting.
04:42Only one person.
04:43Okay.
04:44And then while moving in, he would be moving in and then people would keep looking at us.
04:48Why are there two guys here?
04:50And then we had to say,
04:54He's come to stay for some time, you know, and then he'll go and whatever.
04:58And gradually just hope that people will warm up to us.
05:01But yes, we had to keep our curtains drawn.
05:04At least we were told that by the agents, you know, for some time,
05:08we had to even fake it with the house helps who used to come.
05:15You know, why is this happening?
05:17You know, so, so we were kind of used to that kind of a life.
05:22So when his parents were coming, we thought,
05:25When they come, we'll act like that for some time.
05:27You stay in this room.
05:28I'll stay in that room.
05:29One night we couldn't do it.
05:31Yeah.
05:32And then like, it was like, yeah, this is your chance.
05:34Look for it.
05:35And I was like, I picked up my phone and I called my mom and I told my mom,
05:38you know how you and dad are.
05:40That's how
05:46my mom was like, you know, you can't, you can Indian mothers know everything.
05:51She said, there's no point in hiding anything from your mother.
05:55I know.
05:56And it's okay.
05:58Or something like that.
05:59Like I had a very anti-dramatic coming out story.
06:03Like I was like, Oh, that's it.
06:04His mom came out and she's laughing such a big deal.
06:07What is the big deal?
06:08I have no problem.
06:09What's the, what's the problem?
06:10And then she said to me, I have only one request.
06:13She said, I said, what did you know?
06:15The impression people have of gay men and stuff is that they're not with one
06:20person.
06:21They will be with several other people, you know,
06:24and not stick with one person and, you know,
06:26and be lonely when they are older.
06:28So just promise me you guys will stick with each other.
06:31You know, I was like, cool.
06:34That was easy.
06:35And then his parents, they were so amazing.
06:39They looked at our kitchen and they said, Oh,
06:42what your rice is getting over your atta is getting over.
06:46Chini is getting over.
06:48So they said, you're by only one, one kilo.
06:51He said, yeah, we buy one, one kilo.
06:52He said, no, this is not how you shop for a house.
06:54They took us to the supermarket.
06:56They pushed the trolley.
07:07So your big boxes, only there you can store.
07:10They shop, they bought all this for us.
07:12And they set our house and they set our kitchen up.
07:14So 10 years ago when I came out to my parents,
07:16it's a very different world.
07:17There was no, there was no, in the media and stuff,
07:21there's no positive representations.
07:23You know, only this lovely film,
07:25My Brother Nikhil was not made, fire was not made.
07:28You know, there was no discourse, no dialogue at all.
07:31So they had this very negative impression of it.
07:34So my parents were like, what is this?
07:36They were so shocked about it.
07:37You know, it took a lot of time for them to come around.
07:39But by the time I met Siddharth, my parents fell in love with him.
07:42It's not difficult.
07:43I don't know if you can see his two dimples,
07:45show your two dimples.
07:46Hey, you have to smile.
07:47Other one, other one also.
07:49Okay.
07:50How can you not dislike this fellow?
07:53So when the lot changed, 2018,
07:56we were in our new home in Goa,
07:58not the home that we bought,
08:00in a rented home.
08:02And somehow in Goa, we never faced this discrimination.
08:07I think at least the people we encountered,
08:12the Goans we encountered were very open-minded.
08:16And for them, I don't know, does it matter?
08:20I think, you know, when you move to a village,
08:25I think people generally just kind of try to judge you as
08:28whether you're a nice person or not a nice person.
08:31And then everything else comes later.
08:33And I think that was kind of true for us when we moved to Goa,
08:38and our landlord,
08:40we basically had like a level of respect that was maintained right from the beginning,
08:46that we are equals and that's how we dealt with each other.
08:50And as far as being gay is concerned,
08:53it's not something that we go around telling people,
08:56but we didn't make a special attempt to hide it either.
09:00Actually, I remember this.
09:02We didn't say cousins,
09:04personally.
09:05Okay.
09:06That was a thing.
09:07But we said close friends.
09:09And I told him, I said, you know,
09:11Sid and I have been living together for a long time.
09:16And he didn't seem to mind it at all.
09:21And they are very simple village people.
09:22How will they respond to that?
09:25Then I remember Sid and I went for a foreign holiday.
09:29We were in New York.
09:32Okay.
09:34And, you know,
09:35and we were holding each other,
09:36taking pictures.
09:38There was one picture one friend took while we were kissing each other.
09:42You know, like just a very friendly peck,
09:45but it was on the lips.
09:47Okay.
09:48And that picture,
09:49I said,
09:50I'll post it on Instagram.
09:52You know,
09:53not because I'm a lawyer or something like that.
09:55I just feel like,
09:56why is it okay that you can see a heterosexual couple kissing each other?
10:01If you can see a heterosexual couple,
10:03then it's so normalized.
10:04How will this become normalized until you see it?
10:07And who better than a couple that's been together for more than a decade?
10:10You know,
10:11why not?
10:13So I put that picture and got a lot of love and whatever.
10:16Okay.
10:17Mine is a close profile.
10:20It's a private profile.
10:24And I came to Bombay.
10:25Okay.
10:26And we met our landlord and the wife,
10:29and they were so happy to see us back.
10:30We came to Goa.
10:33And we met our landlord and his wife and children were so happy to see us.
10:37We brought them gifts and all that,
10:39everything.
10:40And they said,
10:41Oh,
10:42we loved your New York pictures.
10:44They were so nice,
10:45especially there in Central Park and all of them.
10:47And I saw you on Instagram.
10:49So I said,
10:50you're on Instagram.
10:52So yeah,
10:53you accepted my request.
10:54And I didn't realize that I had some other name,
10:56which I didn't know.
10:57And I had taken it or whatever.
10:58And I think that was the icebreaker.
11:00Yeah.
11:01You know,
11:02for us,
11:03there was a great sense of satisfaction and relief.
11:06Both.
11:07I think at the same time,
11:08and a sense of accomplishment also,
11:10because we waited for a long time for this to happen.
11:13And then it happened all of a sudden when it was most uncertain also.
11:19But,
11:20but we were very sure.
11:22And we took our time in Goa.
11:24We spent two years here.
11:26So we did,
11:27we,
11:28it was in a way calculated,
11:29even though we are not good planners at all,
11:31but in a way it was calculated.
11:34And then we were sure that this was the place where we wanted to,
11:37you know,
11:38we wanted to call home because it's been very nice to us.
11:42It has been lovely to our dog.
11:44We've found great friends.
11:47And I thought like we both felt like Goa accepted us like very wholeheartedly.
11:52Yeah.
11:53Yeah.
11:54And without any conditions.
11:55We made friends from all age groups,
11:58all kinds of friends here.
12:00And people are just,
12:02they treat us like a couple and they don't treat us like a gay couple.
12:07They treat us like a couple.
12:09It's not been a terrible struggle being gay.
12:13I know that's not what a lot of people want to hear,
12:16you know,
12:17but I want to say this,
12:18you know,
12:19it's a struggle.
12:20It's dark.
12:21If you allow it to be dark.
12:23Yes,
12:24there was opposition from some of our parents,
12:26you know,
12:27yes,
12:28there was discrimination from housing societies.
12:30Yes.
12:31At the workplace,
12:32there was a lot of discrimination in many ways.
12:34You know,
12:35we have no support structures as,
12:37as a couple,
12:38like a heterosexual couple would have with the marriage certificate and
12:42families intervening and helping them sort out their troubles.
12:45Sid and I didn't,
12:46didn't never have that.
12:47But in spite of that,
12:50Indian society is one of the most loving societies in the world
12:55where ultimately people respond with their hearts.
12:59Yes.
13:00In our minds,
13:01there is fear.
13:02There is,
13:03there can be ignorance.
13:04There is fear of something we don't understand.
13:06There's a lot of British Victorian values that were left with like 377 and,
13:10you know,
13:11with the 200 year rule,
13:12which confused people about what things are,
13:14but in our ethos,
13:15right down in our culture,
13:17homosexuality,
13:18you know,
13:19transsexuals,
13:20you know,
13:21there is place for everyone in our culture and there is love for everyone.
13:28So there has never been that kind of a violent homophobia.
13:32You know,
13:33people are like,
13:34what is this?
13:35They probably laugh.
13:36They'll probably be confused.
13:37But ultimately,
13:38you know,
13:39when you respond with love,
13:40mostly people have responded with love and we've had a very good 13 year
13:45run.
13:46You know,
13:47we're very proud of what India has given us and how it's been here.