- 10/22/2024
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TVTranscript
00:00No!
00:03Oh...
00:10No!
00:11No!
00:14We slayed it!
00:15I hate it!
00:28Is this good television?
00:39Hello and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
00:41My name is Tom Gleeson
00:43and I am the Taskmaster.
00:49Tonight, five Australian comedians' collective self-worth
00:52will be poured into a blender
00:54and served up as a protein supplement
00:57for the depraved audience of you at home.
01:00What does the winner win?
01:01This, the official Taskmaster trophy,
01:04which is a gold sculpture that contains
01:06the most superior mind in this room.
01:08Mine.
01:10The five comedians who we pulled out of the gloop
01:14they call their lives are
01:32Last and yes, least,
01:34this is a guy whose favourite streaming service
01:37is the muddy puddles of water
01:39he spends hours staring at his own reflection in.
01:43It's Tom Cashman.
01:48G'day, Tom.
01:49I feel like you're building up a small fan base there.
01:51Oh, thank you.
01:53Speaking of small, do you like my tattoo?
01:56What, you've got a tattoo on your face?
01:58Yeah, I've got a face tattoo. Do you like it?
02:00It can be a career-limiting move.
02:03Because you know how some tough guys in prison,
02:05they get a tattoo of a teardrop
02:07to commemorate a time that they killed someone?
02:09Yeah.
02:10I've got a tattoo of a murder
02:11to commemorate a time that I cried.
02:18Alright, Lester Tom, let's rip.
02:20Are you happy with this staying here, the whole show?
02:23Yeah.
02:25Because I know in a meeting earlier
02:26you said you wanted to remove it.
02:31So, you know, if you turn up to work
02:33doing comedy with props, deal with it, buddy.
02:37But we agreed we'd remove it.
02:38No, no, no, you're staying.
02:41Now you can go, go and get your stupid tattoo off.
02:48Oh, man, he comes up with this dumb gag
02:50and then he's like, but I want it off.
02:55Alright, you happy now?
02:56Yeah.
02:58Well, let's rip into it.
02:59Well, we're starting off with a prize task
03:01and tonight our contestants have been asked
03:03to bring in the thing that you're most glad can't talk.
03:07Oh, OK.
03:08What have you brought in, Mel?
03:10I have brought in my Bachelor of Contemporary Performance
03:14not completed
03:17drama reflection journal.
03:24So I'm thinking you reading it would be quite painful
03:27but you're saying if it could say those thoughts
03:29it would be even worse.
03:30Yeah, it would be very bad
03:31if production had a photo of that open
03:33and everyone at home could see the words pertain to...
03:36Oh, no!
03:40What a disaster.
03:41Worst bit, I was starting to judge myself
03:43so I took a risk by putting the energy ball in my bum.
03:48Anyway, whatever, I didn't get a very good mark for that
03:50but no-one in my class is on Taskmaster, just me, so...
03:54APPLAUSE
03:58Alright, Rhys, what did you bring in
04:00that you wouldn't like to talk?
04:02I came up with this lady.
04:05Oh.
04:06Hello.
04:07This is my dog Hopkins
04:09and I'm glad she can't talk cos she has seen some shit.
04:15OK, like what?
04:17Well, I mean, sex is one of them.
04:20You know when your pet sees you having sex
04:23and you're like, oh, they don't know what we're doing?
04:25They 100% do.
04:27Every time those videos come out of the dog's pressing buttons
04:30that translate to things, I'm like, we can't show her that.
04:33She can't be like, help, help, leave, leave, danger, danger.
04:38Top, bottom, verse.
04:45Concetta, what did you bring in?
04:47I've brought in a really, really well-used specimen jar.
04:52Oh.
04:55What does well-used mean?
04:57It was used by you and some other people?
04:59Not me.
05:00Oh.
05:01The jar!
05:02Imagine if the jar could speak, you'd be like, oh, not this again.
05:05Oh.
05:06Oh, everyone's sick, it's sloppy, it's over the edges.
05:11So it's like really stressed.
05:14It's like, give me a break, I want to go on holiday.
05:17I can't.
05:18It keeps getting shattered.
05:20OK.
05:22Aaron, what did you bring in?
05:24Me, I've brought in a mime.
05:33I'm glad that mimes can't talk
05:35because first off, it would ruin their act.
05:39Because it's so funny what these guys do.
05:41They can just make a box and then go into it.
05:45Yeah.
05:46And you don't even need words and that's why it's funny.
05:50Hang on, you brought in Mr Bean's box set earlier, didn't you?
05:53Yeah.
05:54There's a theme emerging here.
05:57Because I feel like you're mocking their humour,
05:59but secretly you love it because it's a bit basic, isn't it, Aaron?
06:03Well, I just can understand it and...
06:07The second reason I'm glad mimes can't talk
06:10is that I've actually found out that they have some pretty bad opinions.
06:16Take a look.
06:19Women should not be allowed to vote.
06:25Wow.
06:30Alright, so finally, Peter, what did you bring in?
06:33So finally, Peter, what did you bring in?
06:35I brought in my gym clothes that I take on holiday.
06:42Because they would say,
06:44why do you f***ing bother?
06:48I get excited.
06:50You're going to the Gold Coast.
06:52We're there day one.
06:53You don't exercise.
06:54I'm like, OK, it's day one.
06:56Nobody exercises on day one.
06:57Maybe day two.
06:58Nothing on day two.
07:00By day four, day five,
07:02we know we're not coming out of the suitcase.
07:05Well, you know, we were on holidays recently together, Pete,
07:08and I can say I've never seen these clothes before in my life.
07:12So I can confirm that that is true.
07:14And I feel like you probably bought them just for this
07:17and maybe you don't own them at all.
07:20I've never seen these clothes in my life.
07:24Alright, well, I guess I should store this.
07:27I'm not worried about the specimen jar
07:29because it can be put in a dishwasher.
07:31And I feel like that would also erase its memory.
07:33So I'm going to give Conchita one.
07:35I'm going to give Rhys two.
07:37Well, I'm just worried that if I buy into the idea
07:39that everything your dog has seen is disgusting or anything like that,
07:42then I feel a bit homophobic and I'm not.
07:45Alright, I've read your blog.
07:49I'm going to give Mel three points.
07:52Just that small sample seemed horrific.
07:55And I'm going to give Aaron four points
07:57because I just don't like mimes as well.
08:01And I'm going to give Pete five points
08:03because I know the story's true.
08:05I'm going to give it to Pete for his exercise clothes
08:07that have never been used.
08:11Alright, let's get into our first task.
08:13Here's a task our contestants took to
08:15like ducks to thawed ice that's been frozen
08:17and then thawed again.
08:32Duck! Duck!
08:34Hello!
08:35Hey, Tom.
08:36Welcome to the dock.
08:37Hi, Tom.
08:38Hi, Rhys.
08:39I love ducks.
08:40You like ducks?
08:41Yeah.
08:42I think they're my spirit animal.
08:44You're a duck fan?
08:45Yeah.
08:46I have a tattoo on my arm of a duck.
08:48And also I love how they walk.
08:51Like that.
08:52Okay.
08:53What's this then?
08:54It's a task.
08:55I reckon it's duck related.
08:58Alright.
08:59Alright.
09:01Find the quack.
09:03One of these ducks has been giving out
09:05unsub...
09:06That's a tricky word.
09:07Thub...
09:08Thub...
09:09Unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:12What does that mean?
09:13Unsubstantiated medical advice?
09:15It's medical advice with no substance.
09:17The fastest to deliver the quack to Tom wins.
09:21Your time starts now.
09:23So one of these is quacking?
09:24No, one of these ducks is giving out
09:26unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:27I get it, like a quack, right?
09:29No, no, no.
09:30This duck is giving out
09:31unsubstantiated medical advice.
09:33I think I'm having an aneurysm.
09:40So who are we going to see first
09:41in this little duck hunt?
09:43It's time to send these good eggs
09:44off to the bad doctor.
09:45It's Mel and Reece.
09:47Alright, well I guess I'm going to get in there, right?
09:49Push me free.
09:50I love you, goodbye.
09:52You've never rode before?
09:53I've never rode before.
09:54You used to ride with school.
09:55Yes, I'm very good, thank you.
09:59I can hear something.
10:00I think I can hear something, Tom.
10:02What can you hear?
10:03Some talking.
10:04Is it unsubstantiated medical advice?
10:06If you shut up for a minute, maybe I'll know.
10:08Okay.
10:09I think it's this one.
10:10Let me just get him.
10:17Careful.
10:20It's you.
10:24That guy is absolutely spouting rubbish.
10:29I'm coming, Tom.
10:31Other than this being quite stressful,
10:33it's also quite lovely.
10:35That's not it.
10:36We've got a celebrity here.
10:44Where are you going?
10:45I'm off.
10:46Oh.
10:47Bye.
10:53Okay, so,
10:55Reece, can you give us a sense of what it was like there?
10:57Because I feel like it might have given the impression
10:59that it was actually quite easy to hear them,
11:01but the quacks were really loud.
11:03There was a lot of quacking.
11:04If you don't know what...
11:05You're quite stressed about the rowing,
11:07and then you're scared you're going to fall in,
11:09and then they...
11:10I should say they told us,
11:11do not get in the water, it is full of E. coli.
11:14So...
11:16It is not full of E. coli.
11:18It's E. coli levels are above safe levels of E. coli.
11:23Well, I would say, compared to no E. coli,
11:25that is up to pussy's bow with E. coli.
11:28I wasn't afraid of the water until I got into it,
11:31and then the next day I did 16 poos on set.
11:35I feel like you're at an advantage, Mel,
11:37because you are very good at rowing.
11:39We've seen that already.
11:41Did that help?
11:42No way. No.
11:43All of the ducks are making noise.
11:45He's like, yeah, all the information is in the task.
11:48It's actually not.
11:49If all the information you needed was in the task,
11:52the card would say,
11:53it's that brown duck over there on the right-hand side.
11:55So just quickly,
11:56what was the medical advice being handed out by the duck?
11:59I couldn't hear what Pete Evans was saying in the recording.
12:04I'm not sure.
12:05All right, can you give us some scores so far?
12:07I sure can.
12:08So Mel, our champion rower from high school,
12:10took 11 minutes and 50 seconds to find the quack.
12:13Under 12. We did it.
12:16Rhys, no experience with rowing previously,
12:18four minutes and 50 seconds.
12:21OK.
12:23It's time for an ad break.
12:24We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:37Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:38where five comedians are currently competing
12:40to win Rhys Nicholson's thousand-yard staring pet dog.
12:45Where are we up to, Lesser Tom?
12:46Our contestants are trying to find a duck
12:48that is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
12:50So far, Rhys and Mel have done very well
12:52to ignore the quacking to find the quack.
12:55Next up, it's two guys I tried to avoid being downstream from
12:58given their easy-come-easy-go attitude to aqua deposits.
13:02It's Aaron and Pete.
13:04Do I need that rope?
13:05Oh, it's up to you.
13:06Yeah, OK.
13:07So I got a...
13:11community duck door.
13:12What's going on?
13:13So it's the duck that looks like this one,
13:16which is that duck.
13:18Have you rowed before?
13:19Yeah, national champion.
13:21Oh.
13:24Am I supposed to row backwards?
13:26Little bit of forward momentum there.
13:27What?
13:28You're on your way.
13:29There we go, there we go.
13:31It's either that one or that one.
13:33I should be going exactly where the ducks are.
13:39Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:42I don't know what that means, Tom.
13:46Oh, I hear something.
13:47In the photo, it's got a brown body.
13:49Oh, right.
13:51This one, got it.
13:52Body got it.
13:56Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
13:59Yeah, it's giving bad, really dodgy advice.
14:01Like what?
14:02Saying that the vaccine is real.
14:03Oh, wow.
14:05Come on.
14:06Stand back.
14:07OK.
14:15It's right there.
14:16Right there.
14:17There.
14:18There you go, Tom.
14:19Get rid of that duck.
14:25What's that?
14:26It's a business card.
14:29We're eating that duck tonight.
14:30Oh, OK.
14:31You and me.
14:37So, Aaron, when you said that bad medical advice
14:39was saying the vaccine is real,
14:41was that a shout-out to all your freedom-loving fans?
14:44If you guys are out there, keep it up.
14:46We're going to win this fight.
14:53It works on so many levels,
14:54because I suspect they don't understand irony.
14:57So, people are like, yeah!
14:59Finally something.
15:00Yeah, so I'm winning with both.
15:01Like, the people who think it's irony,
15:03they're like, oh, he's being funny.
15:05And then the people who hate vaccines are like, yeah, my man.
15:10Yeah, you just said what I said, but it was a bit longer.
15:14It helps me understand what you're saying.
15:18Sometimes your act is just like you're explaining it to yourself, isn't it?
15:22And what you're saying is that, like, I talk to myself.
15:30So, Pete, for someone who looks like an old salty sea dog,
15:33you didn't seem that comfortable in a boat.
15:35Is that how it came across to you?
15:36Yeah.
15:37I'm surprised, because the audience would disagree,
15:40yet they're nodding their heads.
15:42Now, I can't just leave this unsaid.
15:43Everyone knows about your business card collection now.
15:47How did you feel about that business card disrespect?
15:49I don't know if I could ever forgive Pete
15:51for ripping up a business card in front of me like that.
15:54It was a business card of a dodgy doctor.
15:57Don't shoot the messenger, Pete.
16:00I would like to confirm that that was a clue.
16:01Then let's just say that clue was my idea.
16:05Can I just say that finding that clue,
16:08I thought, like, oh, I've won this.
16:11The clue did not seem to help you in the slide.
16:14All right, what are the stats?
16:16Aaron took 12 minutes and 4 seconds.
16:19And Pete, 7 minutes and 11 seconds in second place.
16:23OK.
16:25Well, I can't help but notice Conchetta has been singled out here.
16:28Any particular reason?
16:29I couldn't possibly say, but let's see.
16:31It's Conchetta Cristo.
16:33What am I supposed to do?
16:35Duckies!
16:38Oh, come on, mate.
16:40How do you even do this bullshit?
16:42Oh, f**k!
16:43Now I'm that way.
16:44No, go this way.
16:46Oh, no!
16:47No!
16:50Oh, s**t!
16:53Are any of them giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
16:56I can't hear you and I kind of like it that way.
16:58Yeah, fair enough.
17:00F**k you!
17:01Stupid piece of s**t.
17:02Can't hear s**t.
17:03Can't move for s**t.
17:04Is this a time pass song?
17:06Passes wins.
17:09I think I'm going to be doing this forever.
17:12Come on.
17:13Not this again.
17:15S**t.
17:18Are you meaning to spin round?
17:19Huh?
17:20No!
17:21Oh, brother.
17:24Oh, my God!
17:26I'm having the worst time!
17:28You stupid ducks.
17:30Now I'm going to hate ducks because of this.
17:33Which one of you stupid d**ks is speaking?
17:39I think I hear something.
17:41Why is this so hard?
17:45I can't hear it anymore.
17:46Oh.
18:05It's your f**king voice, isn't it?
18:08Yeah.
18:14It was next to me the whole time.
18:18Is there a rule about throwing it at you?
18:23I'm going away from you!
18:25Oh, no!
18:26Don't!
18:27Careful.
18:28Oh, God!
18:29Is this kind of all the evil things that I've done?
18:33What evil things have you done?
18:34I haven't.
18:35I'm not evil.
18:36Please don't log in on that.
18:39Oh.
18:41This is a bad dream.
18:50OK, I need to go.
18:51Thanks, Conchita.
18:52Thanks, Tom.
18:57I mean...
18:59Conchita, that's you doing what you do well,
19:01taking a very straightforward task
19:03and making it more complicated.
19:06Like, I truly...
19:08And you know this, Tom.
19:09I had a breakdown out there.
19:12I didn't know how to row.
19:14I couldn't hear Tom.
19:16I couldn't hear the duck.
19:17I was, like, freaking out.
19:19And then I threw it and it fell.
19:21And, like, even now I'm not being funny.
19:23I'm scared.
19:25OK.
19:26You briefly mentioned you've done a few evil things in your life.
19:29I feel like we need to know what they are.
19:31No, I regret that.
19:32I didn't mean it.
19:33I was hysterical.
19:35It's often in those moments that the truth comes out.
19:37Yeah.
19:38So can we have the truth?
19:41I started a war.
19:45Wow.
19:46I was inspired by Pol Pot.
19:50Wow.
19:52That is extreme.
19:54So how long did that take?
19:55I think we're dying to know.
19:57Conchita's time was 27 minutes and 47 seconds.
20:06So Conchita obviously gets one point.
20:07Then we've got Aaron with two, Mel with three,
20:09Pete with four,
20:10and Rhys, never rowed before Nicholson,
20:12takes five points!
20:13Whoa!
20:14OK.
20:16And what happens when we add those scores
20:18to the ones we had before?
20:20Well, Aaron, Mel, Rhys and Conchita are the trailers,
20:23but turn off your phone for Pete.
20:24He's the main movie on nine points!
20:27All right, Mr Tom, you got another task for us?
20:30I do.
20:31And don't worry, Tom,
20:32I wasn't agreeing to marry you when I said I do.
20:35I was just answering your work-related question.
20:39As agreed.
20:40Anyway, I wish I hadn't said any of that.
20:41Here's the task.
20:57Hello.
20:58Hi, Aaron.
20:59Ooh!
21:00What on earth's this contraption?
21:02I certainly don't recognise it from my childhood.
21:04Oh, a beater machine, is it?
21:06VCR?
21:07VCR, yeah.
21:15Hi, Conchita.
21:16Hi, Tom.
21:19Teach the taskmaster to do something he can't already do...
21:22With an instructional video.
21:24The instructional video that teaches the taskmaster most...
21:29...wins.
21:30You have 45 minutes.
21:31Your time starts now.
21:33He's actually reasonably good at life,
21:37and the infuriating thing is he knows it.
21:44So what are we looking at?
21:45We've got a lesson here for each of them,
21:47that they need to teach me something that I don't already know.
21:50That's right.
21:51Well, there's heaps I already know, so...
21:53This is an extremely difficult task.
21:55Here, with some handy hints for your next work-do, it's Mel Buttle.
21:59Do you know anything that he can't do?
22:01I cannot think of a single thing the taskmaster cannot do.
22:04I can.
22:05What?
22:06Attend a work event without drinking.
22:14Hello, my name's Virginia Hampenstall.
22:16I've got a Bachelor of Marketing, I'm a PE teacher,
22:19and also I teach people how to say no to having a wine at work functions.
22:24It's easier than you think.
22:26Here's a clue.
22:27You can always just say no, verbally.
22:30Would you like a wine?
22:31No!
22:32He doesn't want one.
22:33Maybe go non-verbal.
22:34Surprise me with a gesture.
22:35Can I give you a wine?
22:36Oh!
22:39He's milking cows on the way home and won't have time to be drunk.
22:42Perhaps you're somewhere swanky for work
22:44and you want to show that you've travelled around the world.
22:46Maybe say no in a different language.
22:48Can I get you a wine?
22:49Nein!
22:51Bitter Sherman.
22:52Perhaps make up an excuse.
22:54Would you like a wine?
22:55I have Hepatitis C.
22:57Ooh!
22:58One more tip that I like to impart with people
23:01who need to learn to not have a wine at a work function.
23:04Just get rid of the wine.
23:06Destroy it all.
23:07Tip it down the sink.
23:08Would you like to...
23:09Oh dear.
23:10Oh.
23:11He's done it.
23:13No more wine.
23:15Say no to wine.
23:17Would you like a wine?
23:19No!
23:22Sounds like he means it.
23:27Alright, Mel.
23:28We've been at a few work functions together
23:30and I would say we kept pace when we were drinking.
23:33In fact, many times I was following your lead, Mel.
23:37This video, Tom, and I thank you for the opportunity to make it,
23:41was a chance to say,
23:42hey, Mel, why don't you pull it back to a reasonable level
23:45where Tom drinks and just have 16 to 21 drinks at an event?
23:50Your techniques were to say no, say no non-verbally,
23:55say no in another language,
23:56and also just to tip it down the sink.
23:58Have you ever tried that technique at a function?
24:00I've tried it in my own home with my parents.
24:05Wow.
24:06How much trauma do we do on this show?
24:09I don't know.
24:10Keep the trauma at a level
24:12that we don't have to give out the lifeline number, OK?
24:15Everyone's just trying to enjoy themselves.
24:17Note taken, yep.
24:18OK, well, let's take a little break
24:20and maybe have a drinky-poo.
24:22We'll be back soon.
24:34Welcome back to Taskmaster.
24:35Put down the bottle, you've got a problem.
24:38Where are we, Tom?
24:39Our contestants are making instructional videos
24:41to teach you, the Taskmaster, something.
24:43Next up, it's Conchetta Caristo.
24:46Hi, Taskmaster, and welcome to my channel.
24:48Today, we're going to be doing the coolest, sickest look ever, me.
24:52Today, my model, his name is Tomothy Cashman.
24:55Tom, how are you feeling?
24:56I'm feeling good.
24:57Let's get this blank, dull-as-F canvas
25:00looking into a beautiful B face.
25:03We need to have, like, a base.
25:04Get the lightest colour and just put it on the base.
25:07You're trying to, like, get rid of the grease,
25:09which, let me tell you, Tom has a lot of.
25:11Also, it means the colours on top are going to freaking pop!
25:15And then all you want to do
25:16is you just want to get, like, a darker colour.
25:18You go to the corner of the eye.
25:19Yes, queen.
25:20And that just, like, elongates the eye.
25:22Next, now we want to beat the freaking face.
25:24Let's start with contour.
25:25Yes, keep pouting, honey, yes.
25:27Next, we want blush.
25:28This is, like, on the cheek.
25:29Oh, my God, you look so cute.
25:31Mascara.
25:32Literally, you never go anywhere without mascara
25:34because it's so, like, it's so slutty.
25:39Yes, that looks hot.
25:41OK, open.
25:44Whoa!
25:46The camera guys all just got hot at the same time.
25:50That means we're on the right track.
25:52In an ideal world,
25:53we would have exfoliated Tom's dry, crusty lips,
25:58but we don't have to.
26:01And there you have it.
26:02This is how you go from looking drab to fab
26:05in a really simple, easy makeup tutorial.
26:07Good luck. See you.
26:14Well, Conchetta, I think you've done well there
26:16because you certainly have taught me a lot.
26:18I did learn about Lesser Tom's crusty lips.
26:21I wasn't aware of that.
26:22Don't lick them, it makes it worse.
26:25It reminded me of those videos I scroll past on Instagram.
26:28Do you watch those videos?
26:30Mm-mm, yep.
26:31OK.
26:32That's the quintessential, like, YouTube girly,
26:34it's like a 20-minute video and, like, it's full of personality.
26:38And I tried to just keep it real and fun.
26:41OK.
26:42Well, it was all new to me, so that was good.
26:44And also, I'm really proud of the fact that I got away
26:46with saying that I was scrolling on Instagram,
26:48and I've not done that either.
26:51Can you imagine me?
26:52I'll look photos.
26:54I'll like.
26:55What?!
26:56Alright, which of these gurus am I going to be forced to hear from next?
27:00Here with some insights from the very important world of business,
27:03it's Aaron Chen.
27:04Hello.
27:05I'm playing you, Tom Gleeson, the Taskmaster.
27:09And I'm going to teach you how to negotiate in business
27:12and get to the next level with your finances.
27:15You're already doing pretty well,
27:17but I'm going to help you add a couple of zeroes
27:20to whatever you're making now.
27:22And the way to do it is through children's books.
27:25You don't have any of your own, but Peter Hellyer does.
27:28And we're going to teach you how to acquire the rights.
27:40So I'm teaching you how to negotiate.
27:43Always know the numbers.
27:45Never go beyond your asking price.
27:47You brought an entourage.
27:49Real classy, Pete.
27:51The whole cast of The Project Carry,
27:53Hamish McDonald, Sam Taunton.
27:55Now let's get into business.
27:56What have we got, Tom?
27:57We've got Frankie Fish, Herman Crabbe,
27:59tripping with kids.
28:00We want the whole suite.
28:01And we can give you four marshmallows.
28:06What do you mean?
28:08You're an arsehole.
28:09I can't believe it.
28:10Fine, Pete.
28:11Five marshmallows.
28:13That's my final offer.
28:14You can take that to Cancun
28:16and make it look like Waikiki on a day off,
28:18like the Gold Coast.
28:20Guess what?
28:22I'll give you six and a half,
28:24and that's the highest I'm going to go.
28:28Can you believe this guy?
28:29No.
28:30Give us a moment, Pete.
28:32What's our final offer?
28:34All right, Pete.
28:35We've talked to the accountants,
28:37and they've given us
28:39seven marshmallows.
28:41That's the final offer.
28:42We're walking.
28:45And that's how you negotiate.
28:47Remember, always be intimidating and rude
28:50and say things like the F word.
28:52Don't forget to learn the names of all the kids' books.
28:55And number three is to remember to negotiate hard.
29:00I think you did teach me something.
29:02You taught me how to lose a negotiation,
29:05not win it.
29:06No, because we started by low-balling Pete Hellyer.
29:10Like, he's got a great suite of books
29:13worth 20 to 30 marshmallows,
29:16but we got it from seven.
29:18But you start at four.
29:19You know this.
29:21I mean, you don't know this.
29:23And...
29:26Yeah, I feel like I wasn't learning from you.
29:28I think you accidentally taught me
29:30Pete's good negotiating technique,
29:31and that is say nothing, and the money just goes up.
29:35You're welcome.
29:38So, who's next?
29:39Here with some tips about staying alive,
29:41which, as our oldest contestant,
29:42he's something of an expert in,
29:43it's Peter Hellyer.
29:48Darn it.
29:49I can't believe it.
29:50I can't believe it.
29:53Taskmaster, it's PH here.
29:55I know you grew up on a farm,
29:57but occasionally you visit a city.
29:59I'm going to show you how to survive on the streets
30:02here in my hometown, New York City.
30:07This looks like I'm having a lot of fun, Taskmaster,
30:09but look what's about to happen.
30:11Hey, give me your skateboard, kid.
30:18That was close.
30:19That was close.
30:20I got away with it because of my street smarts.
30:22But the lesson is,
30:23don't take your flash new skateboard
30:25around the streets of New York City.
30:31Just because these hoodlums think they're tough
30:32doesn't mean they don't want to get caught.
30:34So I suggest always collecting some evidence
30:36when you're being attacked.
30:37Oi, give me your jewellery.
30:39Hey, smile.
30:41Oh, no.
30:42Please, please, delete them.
30:43Delete those photos.
30:44Only if you promise to give up your life of crime.
30:47Fine.
30:49Deal.
30:50But sometimes the odds just aren't in your favour,
30:52and as the kids say, you need to skedaddle.
30:55Give me your iPad.
30:57There's an iPad over there, look.
30:59Help, help, help.
31:02I'm in danger.
31:03Get in.
31:06You're safe now.
31:07Let's get out of here.
31:08Let's go.
31:12You're hot.
31:19That part of New York looked like where I live.
31:24It was upstate New York.
31:27There were no buildings whatsoever,
31:29and even when you turned up to rescue yourself,
31:31you were in a ute.
31:32And when you were in the ute,
31:33you looked like someone from the country.
31:35You had an ecuberon.
31:38I thought...
31:39You weren't going to see through it.
31:40I thought, well, who's that?
31:41I thought, you know, the transformation was amazing.
31:43The illusion didn't work.
31:44I mean, at first I thought, oh, wow, he's from New York.
31:46The illusion didn't work.
31:47I mean, at first I thought, oh, wow,
31:48he's jumped in a ute with his identical twin,
31:50and his twin doesn't know how to drive.
31:53Because did you get in the ute and then to drive off,
31:57you just revved the ute in neutral?
31:59It obviously feels like an off-air conversation.
32:05OK, I don't know about you,
32:06but I need a break to let all that learning sink in.
32:09We'll be back soon.
32:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:20Welcome back to Taskmaster,
32:22where our comedians are competing
32:24for the chance to win a rare and mythical object,
32:27Pete Hellyer's gym clothes.
32:29Tell me, Alyssa, Tom, what are we doing now?
32:32Our contestants are trying to teach you something
32:34via the medium of instructional videos.
32:36Get out your blank tapes, because last up we have a VCR.
32:39It's a very confident redhead, Rhys Nicholson.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:44I'm going to teach the Taskmaster how to tuck.
32:48Tuck? Oh, tuck.
32:50Tuck. Tuck.
32:52Hello, I'm comedian and publicly maligned drag judge,
32:56Rhys Nicholson,
32:57and today we're going to talk about tucking.
33:00What's tucking, you ask?
33:02What's tucking? Good question, Tom.
33:04Tucking is the multi-part process
33:06designed to create a flat appearance down there.
33:08Why would you want to do that, you ask?
33:10Well, to read to children.
33:12So we're going to start by grabbing the little fijoas,
33:16and we're just going to very simply pop them up into here.
33:20With me so far?
33:21Use tape or gaff to secure the little guys
33:24in place against the body.
33:26The tape is wrapped around the area,
33:28creating a flat appearance.
33:30Adjust for comfort.
33:36And that's how you tuck.
33:39Oh.
33:40How about we get a drink?
33:42Come on, toots.
33:50Just to be clear to the families who are watching,
33:52like whole families at home,
33:53we're just talking about hiding fruit in a skeleton.
33:56It's a fun game, they do it on PlaySchool.
33:59But I must say, it's like there was a bit more to it than I thought,
34:03and I have a bigger respect now.
34:05There's a lot of work and kind of pain involved in doing drag,
34:09not just the shoes, but, yeah, you've got to push it up there.
34:12Yeah, you've got to really suffer for your art.
34:14And some drag queens, there's a lot to tuck,
34:17and there's a lot of tape to be placed there
34:20and a lot of tucking to be done.
34:22And so what Rhys is trying to say is sometimes you have to try
34:25to hide a whole fruit shop inside a skeleton.
34:27Yeah, yeah.
34:28Alright, well, I have to score, don't I?
34:30Well, I've got to put Pete in one.
34:32OK.
34:33Because he taught me how to survive an urban area
34:35in a regional area, and I just...
34:37I know how to survive a regional area.
34:39You've just got to be racist.
34:41Anyway...
34:44I'm going to give two points to Mel
34:46because you were trying to make out that drinking's a problem
34:49and we know in Australia it's not.
34:52I'm going to give three points to Aaron
34:54because he taught me the great negotiating technique
34:56that Pete used through all those years of the project.
34:59And I'm going to give four points to Conchetta
35:01because I've never seen those videos before
35:03and I've learned all kinds of things about how to put on make-up,
35:06which I'll use later.
35:07But for five points, they're going to Rhys
35:10because I really did learn something from them.
35:14Genuine learning.
35:17Do you have one last task in the chamber for us tonight, Tom?
35:21Yes, we do, and I suck.
35:25Ha-ha-ha-ha!
35:27This next task involves insults
35:29and I didn't feel comfortable using anyone else as an example.
35:37INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
35:52Whoa!
35:53Your task's over there.
35:54Is it?
35:55What have we got here?
35:57Oh, there's a microphone here, Tom.
35:59Mm.
36:00To sting.
36:02Is it on?
36:03No.
36:04Here we go.
36:06Roast each character the quickest, so we're after speed.
36:12Bang, bang, bang.
36:13It's like quick fire.
36:14Your roast must be relevant to the character.
36:18I'm a good person.
36:19Really?
36:20No.
36:21Quickest average response time wins.
36:24It doesn't have to be best roast, it's relevant roast.
36:27Wow.
36:28Also, the best overall roaster will get two bonus points.
36:31Holy smokes.
36:33Tom will unveil the characters from left to right,
36:35beginning in one minute.
36:36Your time starts now.
36:37And you're allowed to go racial.
36:40I didn't say that,
36:41but there's also nothing in the rules to prevent that.
36:49Alright, chuck me some mint jelly, Lesser Tom,
36:51because I enjoy a good roast.
36:52Let's see what these guys have.
36:54These three must be thirsty toilets
36:55because they love taking the piss.
36:57It's Aaron, Mel and Peter.
36:59Are you ready?
37:00Yeah, sure, let's do it.
37:02I'm kind of nervous.
37:03Do you want to practice on me?
37:04Tom, you stink and you look like an idiot.
37:08You're green, blue suited, bloody whistle blowing.
37:11Get a clue.
37:13Okay, yeah, let's go, I'm ready.
37:17Is that a lamb?
37:19You look like a goat.
37:22If it was ugly.
37:24Baaa, boring.
37:28You know, I would actually go on a date with Tom Cruise
37:32before I'd go on a date with you.
37:33That's an old advertising reference in Australia.
37:37You little f***ing lamb.
37:42You creepy s***.
37:44Imagine a baby was so stupid that it had long hair.
37:49Um, wearing white?
37:51Okay, still a virgin.
37:52What a nerd.
37:54Ever done a root?
37:55I've done heaps.
37:56I've done four just this week, baby.
37:57How old are you?
37:58You're obviously some Benjamin Button type freak.
38:02I think you're a porcelain bitch.
38:07Is that Peter Hellier?
38:09Um, because I didn't recognise him.
38:12Because he's not famous anymore.
38:15Oh, well this is, you fat f***er, seriously.
38:19Do they make those shorts for men?
38:22Wow.
38:23What's with the spray tan?
38:24It's a bit dark for my liking, to be honest.
38:26I don't want to get you into trouble.
38:27And guess what, um, Pete?
38:29You smell...
38:32Yeah.
38:34Uh-oh.
38:35Baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, bald man.
38:40You can't even stay on your seat, you arsehole.
38:44Imagine breaking so easily.
38:47Guess what I've got?
38:48An actual working penis and a scrotum.
38:56How old are you?
38:57You're like a real version of that guy,
38:59but, um, even...
39:02even stinkier.
39:06Hello, loser.
39:07I'm sure you're a nice man,
39:09but your twin brother is a bit freaky, to be honest.
39:12Although he's better looking than you are.
39:14He's much better looking, he's younger.
39:16And to be honest, I don't think you have genitals either, mate.
39:18To be honest, looking down there, he's got a bigger bulge than you have.
39:20I'm getting a real left school at 14,
39:23I just dug myself a job out of the trenches kind of a vibe.
39:26What's your name?
39:27Joe.
39:28Joe? Get a longer name.
39:31I see that I've hurt your feelings,
39:33which is exactly, exactly my want.
39:35Nice to meet you, mate. I'm sure you're a very nice guy.
39:38Thanks, Mel.
39:42Goodnight, Boston.
39:48Now, Aaron, you were making fun of Pete for not being famous.
39:51Is that right? Is that the dig you were getting at there?
39:53I panicked cos I saw the picture and I didn't know who it was
39:56and then word association, recognise, famous,
40:00and then Pete's one of the most famous guys in the country.
40:04Yeah, so when you were having a go at his phone...
40:09You can't smooth over a roast.
40:11You can't take it back cos then the roast loses its sting.
40:14Pete sucks.
40:17Well, in fact, that happened to you, Pete.
40:19You were launching into the bald man at the end there
40:22and then at the end you actually seemed quite nice.
40:24You couldn't quite stick to...
40:26I'm not an insult comic. It's very uncomfortable for me.
40:29I actually took that guy home, I brought him dinner and I...
40:36And the disguise had worked.
40:41But it was genuinely an uncomfortable experience
40:44and then when I saw a human man there, that was kind of terrifying.
40:48That wasn't comfortable.
40:50Mel didn't flinch.
40:52You were just like, there's a f***head who looks like the mannequin
40:54and you were just straight in.
40:56A professional.
41:00Did you have a little moment of doubt before you ripped in there?
41:03No, I think I even implied he was a homosexual,
41:06even though I myself am.
41:08Still a burn on both of us, though.
41:11OK, we're actually looking for the most quick-witted.
41:13That's right. Who was the quickest?
41:15Your average response time was 13.8 seconds.
41:18Mel, 8.4 seconds.
41:20Aaron, 8.2 seconds.
41:24Oh, OK.
41:26It's time for some ads, but watch out.
41:28If you don't come back after the break, we'll be roasting you next.
41:31See you after this.
41:41Look, I know you're watching it now, but how about watching more later?
41:44Watch every moment of triumph and utter humiliation of Taskmaster Australia
41:47with full episodes at 10play.com.au or the 10play app.
41:57Welcome back to Taskmaster. What are we up to, Les and Tom?
42:00We're doing a roast race so far.
42:02Aaron, Mel and Pete have taken no prisoners,
42:05which is good because that wasn't the task and it would be illegal.
42:09Now it's time for Conchetta and Rhys.
42:11I'm a terrible roaster.
42:13Yep.
42:16You big idiot.
42:18The thing about lambs is that...
42:24Are you OK? No.
42:25And you have your one ear up and your one ear down.
42:27You're always listening for people to be bitching about you
42:30and we're bitching, all right?
42:32Lambs. Better eaten than alive.
42:36Is that a roast? Go to the next one.
42:43I'm having a full-blown mental breakdown, Tom.
42:45You bitch.
42:47You stupid little bitch.
42:50And you wear your pearls like,
42:52I'm Dame Judi Dench.
42:54We know you love to get f***ed.
43:01Where does she get her hair done?
43:03The bad wig store?
43:05Move on.
43:07Oh, my God.
43:09Mate, mullets are normal.
43:11It's not funny. Everyone has a mullet.
43:14This is the best photo of Peter Hellyer I've ever seen.
43:17Move on.
43:21Did you really have to get my ex out here?
43:24You know, it's horrible.
43:25This is what I look like without my wig on.
43:27How dare you wear that top that I bought for you?
43:30OK, you shouldn't be wearing that because that has memories
43:33and it makes me uncomfortable.
43:34And also, you're bad at sex.
43:37When I see him, I think of you,
43:39just completely nondescript and bringing nothing to the situation.
43:43That's a roast for both of you. Move on.
43:45Oh, no!
43:47Now I feel bad about what I said about that man.
43:51You f***. You f***.
43:54Dressing up like my ex.
43:56Let me start by saying, you look better than that one.
44:00But not much.
44:01You think you're really cute.
44:03You think, I'm one of the cute guys, I'm not one of the bad guys.
44:05You're one of the bad guys.
44:08WHISTLE BLOWS
44:09I've hated this, and I reckon this is the worst task that I've done.
44:13I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it.
44:15Her, I didn't mean to, but not him.
44:18Oh, God, I feel dirty.
44:20Bye, Tom. This has been real bad.
44:22And I look forward to being roasted in the studio for it.
44:32Wow, Conchetti.
44:33Wow, Conchetti.
44:34At one stage, you said, I'll quote,
44:36you bitch, you stupid little bitch.
44:39How did you come up with that witty wordplay?
44:44Just off the cuff.
44:46Really? Oh, you didn't prepare it earlier.
44:49I couldn't tell, because it was just so well written.
44:52Why are you being so nice to me?
44:59So, Rhys...
45:00Mmm.
45:01Why are you so averse to roasting?
45:03You're quite happily abusing everyone in the studio.
45:05It seems to come quite naturally.
45:07It was the only task, I think, out of the whole run,
45:10that at the end, Tom was quite genuine when he went,
45:13are you OK?
45:15Well, I've seen you stand up, and a lot of it's self-deprecating.
45:18So what you do is, when you're roasting,
45:20is you just take all that self-loathing
45:22and just put it on other people.
45:23Oh, that would kill them.
45:27I get a lot of anger and sadness, and I push it down,
45:30and it's either a diamond or a tumour.
45:36I feel like we need some final scores,
45:38because, again, it was about their average
45:40at how quick they were with coming up with a roast.
45:42Conchita's average response time was 12.4 seconds,
45:45putting her in third place currently.
45:47Rhys' average response time was 46.4 seconds.
45:51Oh, wow.
45:54LAUGHTER
45:56All right.
45:57So now we need you to assess the best overall roaster.
46:00It really was just pouring out of Mel Buddle, wasn't it?
46:03I mean, when the mannequin was there and a man with emotions,
46:07it made no difference.
46:09So I think the bonus points go to Mel.
46:11We've got Rhys with one point, Pete with two,
46:13Conchita with three, Aaron with five,
46:15but Mel takes six points.
46:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:19Now, before we send everyone upstairs for a live task,
46:22are we allowed to have a little peek at the scoreboard, please?
46:25Lesser Tom.
46:26So stuck on the ground floor is Conchita.
46:28At the moment in the elevator are Pete and Rhys,
46:30but living that penthouse lifestyle are Mel and Aaron,
46:33both with 14 points.
46:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:37All right, you lot, scram.
46:39It's time for your live task.
46:41Get upstairs!
46:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:46What am I looking at there, Lesser Tom?
46:48Conchita, could you please read the task?
46:50Reband your tennis balls off a ramp and stick them to your suits.
46:54A tennis ball stuck to a limb or body gets one point.
46:57A tennis ball stuck to a head gets three points.
47:00A tennis ball stuck to anyone else's suit gets five points.
47:04You must remain on your spots at all times.
47:07To count, the balls must bounce off a ramp.
47:11Most points win.
47:12You have two minutes from Tom's whistle.
47:14Are we ready? Yep. Yeah.
47:16WHISTLE BLOWS
47:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:23Nope. Ah!
47:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:27Ah! Ah!
47:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:35Oh, my head!
47:36What, does that count?
47:38Oh, you!
47:40No!
47:41OK, come on, Jack.
47:44This is...
47:46Oh!
47:49Oh!
47:52Oh, my...
47:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
48:06This is going so poorly!
48:10Oh!
48:11Oh!
48:21Oh!
48:23Shit!
48:30WHISTLE BLOWS
48:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
48:35All right, we've got to clean this shit up.
48:37We'll see you after the break.
48:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
48:50Welcome back to Taskmaster.
48:52We've consulted our primary school dictionary
48:54and assessed all the tennis ball peggings, sconnings,
48:57axings and falcons from our live tasks.
49:00Lesser Tom, what kind of scores are we looking at?
49:03In last place, with seven body shots, we have Mel.
49:07Pete, you had eight body shots.
49:09We had Rhys, you had two body shots, two head shots.
49:12Conchetta, you had four body shots and then also three head shots.
49:15So 13 points total.
49:16Aaron had ten body shots, one head shot
49:18and two balls on someone else, with 23 points.
49:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
49:24That means Mel gets one point, Pete with two,
49:27Rhys, three, Conchetta, four,
49:29and Aaron takes home the task with five points!
49:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
49:33And more importantly, who won tonight's episode?
49:36So in fifth to second, we have Conchetta, Pete, Mel and Rhys,
49:39but with his tear-away live task effort,
49:41Aaron is the winner with 19 points!
49:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
49:47Congratulations, Aaron, you are the winner.
49:50Please ascend to the stage and enjoy your prizes in silence!
49:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
49:59Alright, other Tom, let's have a little looky-look
50:02at our season scores.
50:03So now that we've completed five out of our ten episodes,
50:06we can officially say that on 81 points,
50:08Rhys has won the first half of Taskmaster.
50:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
50:14Alright, and just like that,
50:16we're at the end of another episode of Taskmaster.
50:18But what did we learn?
50:19We learnt that only 40% of Australian comedians
50:22know how to row a boat.
50:24We learnt that the world can be a very tough place
50:27for a little girl with lovely long hair.
50:31But most importantly,
50:32we learnt that Aaron is the winner of episode five!
50:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
50:37See you next week!
50:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
51:09Honestly.
51:10Ah!
51:11Oh, yes!
51:12Shut the f*** up!
51:13Sorry.
51:14Come on, banter!
51:15See, it's shit!
Recommended
49:18
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