One Foot In The Grave S05 E03 - The Affair of the Hollow Lady - video Dailymotion

According to Jim

Watch One Foot In The Grave S05 E03 - The Affair of the Hollow Lady - According to Jim on Dailymotion

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00:30One hundred and ninety-two.

00:34What?

00:36Leaves in that lot.

00:41There was only one thousand five hundred and three when we came in.

00:47Don't talk such utter drivel.

00:49I'm telling you!

00:51It's artificial.

00:55Is it?

01:01Oh!

01:04How much longer is he going to keep us?

01:06My buttocks are turning into fossilised fuel.

01:12Of course, they're solicitors for you.

01:14The longer they keep each client up there, the more they can charge them.

01:17That's how they make their money.

01:19They'd break wind on the phone and send you a bill for it.

01:26I've a good mind just to pack it all in and go home.

01:30Yeah.

02:00LAUGHTER

02:30SIGHS

02:35Oh!

02:37Oh!

02:38What is it now?

02:39I've got one of my bits caught up.

02:43Right where it hurts, on the inside leg of my...

02:45Oh!

02:46Oh!

02:47There's agony when that happens.

02:48It just dropped out suddenly.

02:49And now the elastic's cutting it like...

02:53Like the string in a bacon dumpling.

02:57Do you have to make such an exhibition of yourself in a public place?

03:01It'll be fine in a second if I can just slide it back inside.

03:08Oh!

03:09That's good.

03:10Oh, that's got you, you little bugger.

03:14Can't you just be more careful how you sit down?

03:17Oh, yes, I'll put them in an egg box next time.

03:19That'll solve everything.

03:21It's one of those things, I'm afraid, as any man will tell you.

03:26LAUGHTER

03:49Damn it!

03:51Where it is!

03:56LAUGHTER

04:13I've got a spider in my place.

04:18Look at that, there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.

04:23Are you sure he's not struggling to get out?

04:27There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.

04:31I expect he'd be at home among the cobwebs.

04:42Money spider, look.

04:56LAUGHTER

05:02You just can't do it.

05:05What?

05:06You can't stay settled for one minute.

05:09It's completely beyond you.

05:11I can settle, don't you worry about that.

05:14I can settle any time I want to.

05:17LAUGHTER

05:19No!

05:24For God's sake!

05:26LAUGHTER

05:29Why don't you go for the easy option

05:31and use a giant wrecking ball

05:34and have the entire building razed to the ground in seconds?

05:38What sort of table's that anyway that's not joined on to the legs?

05:41Everybody will ask you for trouble, that is.

05:56LAUGHTER

06:21Ai-yah!

06:26LAUGHTER

06:37LAUGHTER

06:49LAUGHTER

06:56LAUGHTER

07:05LAUGHTER

07:13LAUGHTER

07:23LAUGHTER

07:26Just sit down.

07:41BELL RINGS

07:53LAUGHTER

07:57Do you have to?

07:58See that, how much dust there is in these cushions.

08:01Look at that.

08:03I'll come over there to see how much dust there is in your ears in a minute.

08:06Now just give it a rest.

08:11I wonder when this place will look good spring clean.

08:14VE Day.

08:18Still, not much point in dusting when you think about it.

08:22Only just settles again everywhere five minutes later.

08:25All you're ever doing is rearranging it in actual fact.

08:28Do you know what dust is?

08:30Yes.

08:31Old bits of human skin.

08:33Mostly.

08:34Just millions and millions of bits of all the people

08:38who waited in this waiting room.

08:40I mean, no saying who this is in my finger now.

08:45Sir Stafford Cripps?

08:48Incredible to think that, isn't it?

08:51BELL RINGS

09:11Oh...

09:12Oh...

09:13I don't believe it!

09:15LAUGHTER

09:16Just spare a second.

09:19Spare a...

09:20Look at that! That bird nest in the window.

09:23What about it?

09:24It's on the inside.

09:30I've got it all over my nose.

09:33It's a ruddy death trap, this place.

09:37Oh...

09:39Oh...

09:40What is it?

09:41LAUGHTER

09:49Just hold still a minute.

09:51Just leave it, leave it.

09:53Will you?

09:55How did that get there in the name of sanity?

09:58Any insight, if you please? I just give up.

10:01I don't know.

10:02A pigeon maybe flew in when the window was open.

10:05Will you keep still?

10:10Now...

10:13Any more?

10:14You sure you haven't got horse manure or anything?

10:17It's worse than taking a child out for the day.

10:20I don't know why I do. It puts you on reins.

10:31Oi!

10:32You!

10:35Yes, you!

10:36Excuse me!

10:39Just a minute.

10:40It happens to be my bloody car.

10:42When you finish allowing your dog to urinate

10:45when you finish allowing your dog to urinate all down the side of it...

10:50Anyway...

10:51I think you...

10:52You wouldn't say I didn't need a wash anyway.

10:56Where are those kicks?

11:00Bark, bark.

11:01Bark!

11:02Get out of there, you little bastard!

11:05I'm a good man to have you prosecuted for willful damage to property.

11:09See what you have to say about that.

11:11You don't have to say anything until you've consulted a solicitor.

11:14Who the hell asked you?

11:15You keep your nose out of this.

11:17Is this gentleman subjecting you to unreasonable public harassment, sir?

11:23In which case, my advice to you would be to seek professional representation without delay.

11:28Oh, would it indeed?

11:29Well, I'll be getting on to my solicitor too when I see him,

11:32so don't you worry a dance-floor, matey.

11:36And you can stick your nose in a lawnmower.

11:44All finished now?

11:47Bloody naked vandalism in the streets.

11:49No one gives a damn, Eddie!

12:44LAUGHTER

13:15SHUSHING

13:19SNIFFING

13:24SHUSHING

13:28SNIFFING

13:38LAUGHTER

13:44SNIFFING

13:57SNIFFING

14:03SNIFFING

14:15LAUGHTER

14:19SNIFFING

14:25SNIFFING

14:27SNIFFING

14:29LAUGHTER

14:31Mr Fotherham?

14:37LAUGHTER

14:44LAUGHTER

14:56KNOCKING

15:00KNOCKING

15:02Listen to that. How thin these walls are.

15:05KNOCKING

15:06Must be where they divided up the original room.

15:08KNOCKING

15:09Listen to that. That's wafer thin.

15:11Yes! I can hear. Thank you.

15:13Lean back suddenly. Someone could bit their head right through that.

15:16I'll bear that in mind.

15:17KNOCKING

15:30Fish fingers have thawed out now.

15:32LAUGHTER

15:43CRUNCHING

15:47LAUGHTER

16:01CLEARS THROAT

16:14CLEARS THROAT

16:16I can never look at one of these without thinking about...

16:18I know what you're going to say, so don't say it.

16:25I was just going to say about Mr...

16:27I know!

16:31About Mr Dibley, who lived down in Wingate Crescent.

16:35The top of the whole street, that was.

16:38Do you remember when his wife came back that day

16:41and found he'd stuck one of these little...

16:43Yes!

16:46Don't think I want to be reminded of the sordid details, thank you.

16:52Things people do for pleasure.

16:56Never forget the look on his face

16:58when they carried him out of the ambulance.

17:02As if he'd just been hypnotised.

17:05Gave a whole new meaning to the phrase

17:07putting a light bulb in.

17:11LAUGHTER

17:38LAUGHTER

17:42LAUGHTER

18:04LAUGHTER

18:11LAUGHTER

18:14LAUGHTER

18:18LAUGHTER

18:41LAUGHTER

18:55LAUGHTER

19:01COUGHS

19:05LAUGHTER

19:11COUGHS

19:21LAUGHTER

19:25COUGHS

19:32LAUGHTER

19:41LAUGHTER

19:46LAUGHTER

20:05Do you want to go? It's quite keen.

20:07LAUGHTER

20:11LAUGHTER

20:18Oh, sorry to have kept you both.

20:20Oh, thank you.

20:22LAUGHTER

20:24COUGHS

20:42Oh.

20:51Well, that's a relief, I'm still alive.

20:54LAUGHTER

20:56Hanging on by a thread.

20:58Why is it that everyone else who comes in here

21:00only has to wait for ten seconds, then they're in?

21:03Not us.

21:05We'd be surprised if he isn't up there any more.

21:08Probably left half an hour ago

21:10to go and play golf with various chief constables.

21:13Like that time I sat all afternoon

21:15waiting to see a throat specialist

21:17and found out he was at a cocktail party in Bury St Edmunds.

21:23Er, Mr Melgrove...

21:25Oh, God's sake, I'm about tired.

21:27Mr Latimer is not quite ready for you yet.

21:30His colleague, Mr Mangrove, asked me to give you this.

21:33Mr... What's this?

21:35PHONE RINGS

21:39Dear Mr Melgrove,

21:41just to confirm that I have today received instructions

21:44to act on behalf of Mr G.W. Skinner of 45 Ogden Street,

21:48who is filing a claim for damages

21:50in connection with an alleged assault carried out by yourself

21:53upon his pit bull, Terrier Horace, this afternoon

21:56with a Sainsbury's coconut meringue.

21:59An assault with a coconut meringue?!

22:03It wasn't even stale!

22:05Oh, I have never in all my life

22:07heard of anything so patently ludic...

22:09Well, I'm going straight up there.

22:11No, I'm not going to have this.

22:13Leave it for now, Victor, for God's sake.

22:16We'll mention it to ours when we go in.

22:18Just don't make things worse than they already are.

22:27Sorry, I came here this afternoon and I am straight.

22:30I mean, it's cheered me up quite a bit.

22:32I came here this afternoon and I am straight.

22:34I mean, it's cheered me up like I can't tell you.

22:36Sitting here afternoon waiting to make out a will.

22:42Can you only think of one thing worse than dying?

22:46And that's living forever.

22:51I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be

22:55if I was just always here...

22:59Forever and ever and ever.

23:05Yes.

23:11Don't know what it's all about when it comes down to it.

23:14Whether you're just here one minute and gone the next

23:17like God rearranging the dust.

23:20Got no way of knowing.

23:24Anyway, I don't see the point of wills.

23:27We've had a similar case, shared everything over all these years.

23:30It's purely a formality after all said and done.

23:3737 years ago, this week as it happens...

23:41Since what?

23:43Since the first time we shared something.

23:47What?

23:49Our bodies.

23:51You remember?

23:53Peggy Hawkesworth's engagement party in Glendale Gardens.

23:57I can still remember the first moment I walked into that room

24:00and saw this dashing, handsome young man

24:03standing over by the record player

24:05with a head of golden, wavy, thick hair.

24:10Couldn't look at anybody else all night.

24:13Spent the entire evening waiting to be introduced

24:16just smiling across the room like an idiot.

24:20And then just after midnight, you remember, there was a power cut.

24:23We'd all had far too much to drink.

24:26I just seized my chance.

24:28Dashed across the room, grabbed your hand

24:31and dragged you out into the garden.

24:35I remember it took you a hell of a time to get going.

24:40You had your hand in my blouse for half an hour

24:42twiddling a dead wasp.

24:45And then, eventually, we just both relaxed into it.

24:49And...

24:54And then we got up out of the loop-ins,

24:56dusted ourselves down and went back inside.

25:00And when the lights came back on again, I remember

25:03I just stood and looked at you.

25:06And when I looked at you, I remember

25:08I thought to myself,

25:11I just stood and looked at you

25:13and realised I'd grabbed hold of the wrong person.

25:22Jeremy Birchall, the one with the thick, wavy, golden hair,

25:24was just leaving with that girl who worked in the hat factory.

25:29Anyway, got us started off together, and that was that.

25:35Funny, though, isn't it?

25:37It's hardly ever your first choice that you eventually end up with.

25:42Or even your second or third.

25:45All the ones you think you fancy the most,

25:47none of them are right for you, probably, in the end.

25:52Yes.

25:55Oh, well, I mean,

25:57well, look at you, ending up with me.

26:00And there were girls like Olive Reynolds,

26:03Hazel Warner,

26:06Jennifer Davey, and that sister of hers.

26:09They were a pretty little pair.

26:13You were always my first choice.

26:18Was I?

26:23You've never said that before?

26:26No, well...

26:31I suppose there's lots of things you never say.

26:35But you think about saying,

26:37and something always crops up.

26:39Life goes on.

26:41Somehow you never quite get round to putting it into words.

One Foot In The Grave S05 E03 - The Affair of the Hollow Lady

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