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According to Jim
  • 27/08/2024
Transcript
00:00Say what you will, the countryside is still the only place where I could settle down.
00:19Troubles there are so much rarer now.
00:27Spring starts to spring, the cuckoo starts to sing, a song to tell you where it's gone.
00:36And spring cleaning has a meaning out of town.
00:58Look out there, the sun is a big yellow star, rising the blue, blue sky.
01:09There he is, he's caught in the cluster, hanging on the breeze to dry.
01:17Up comes Foster in that box all day, he burrs the right-handed hooper and hooper.
01:20He's caught, I said, by gooch.
01:39Now, Mr. Meldrum, if you take one step to your left...
01:42Yes?
01:42You'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess.
01:44So what are you going to do, Mr. Meldrum?
01:47Smile!
01:50Out there, the sun is a big yellow duster, polishing the blue, blue sky.
02:00With light fluffy clouds in a cluster, hanging on the breeze to dry.
02:09Trees everywhere, blossom in their hair, and Mother Nature wears her newest gown.
02:18What I'd give once more to live right out on town.
02:28Which 1960s album was banned in many shops because the cover depicted nude women?
02:41Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix.
02:44Green, please.
02:45Which vegetable was the world's best-selling aphrodisiac?
02:48Asparagus.
02:51Three.
02:53Pink, please.
02:54What was the stage name of the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins?
02:57Can't wait to eat it.
02:59Two, two.
03:02Green.
03:03How many noses does an ant have?
03:05Nine.
03:10Orange.
03:13Which famous actor...
03:14Help!
03:15For God's sake, somebody help!
03:17The snow is in the middle of nowhere and we can't move!
03:21If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help!
03:33Athlete who won the 1952 Olympic marathon?
03:36Emil Zetterbeck.
03:37Correct.
03:39One green for a wedge, please.
03:42What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of?
03:45Bugs.
03:47Goodness sake!
03:49How the bloody hell do you know all these?
03:52Sorry, Mr Meldrum.
03:53Excrement of a gazelle.
03:54What do you do, go about sniffing it?
03:56How many noses can't we pretty's got?
03:5940 minutes have we been playing and no-one has answered the question yet!
04:04Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game.
04:06Don't know why you had to bring it.
04:19Let's all go out for a nice day in the country.
04:21Start off on the A143 and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now.
04:26Hours we've been marooned here.
04:28Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle when the river split into three back there, didn't we, Mr Meldrum?
04:32Funny how things turn out.
04:34Funny?
04:34Yes.
04:35It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread.
04:36I could sew up my sides where they split from laughing.
04:44Yes.
04:45Yes.
04:47Having yours left, it'll be a start.
04:49There was nothing wrong with that idea.
04:50That was a good idea, to try and punt our way back.
04:53It's not my fault they get stuck in the mud and left behind.
04:56We don't even know which way the way back is now.
04:58We're completely and utterly lost.
05:02Help!
05:03For God's sake, somebody out there!
05:06Help!
05:15I'm all tense again now.
05:19I'm going to have to have another gallium.
05:21Mind you, don't take half a dozen at once and put us all out of our misery.
05:25It's no good shouting. It only keeps making your nose bleed again.
05:34Bloody freezing now.
05:37And I'm dying to go to the toilet.
05:39I'm bladder like an ice bucket.
05:41I'm bladder like an ice bucket.
05:44Has anybody seen the lid to this?
05:46Yes, I think you'll find it's over there.
05:52Bloody thing.
06:02Please have a look at your two feet of water.
06:05I'm...
06:07Why the bloody hell did you tell us?
06:09For God's sake!
06:10Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here and...
06:14...play treble pursuit.
06:20God only knows how we'll get back to that boot house from here.
06:23And the Burma Railway at this rate.
06:27Mind your new dress and these swords, Mrs. Warboy, they're very sharp.
06:34Mind her new dress?
06:37What about my new dress? Thank you very much.
06:42No.
06:43Is that you as well?
06:45I said.
06:49I knew it was going to be one of these days.
06:52If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on, she'd have turned up wearing one.
06:57Ow!
07:05Oh, great!
07:08That's all we needed.
07:11Melger!
07:12Up here!
07:14Come and see.
07:15Oh, goody, what's he found this time?
07:18Some fresh stooge dung.
07:23Beard off the road or something and then couldn't get it going again.
07:26Now, he's locked the front door...
07:28...but there's a door in the back.
07:30He couldn't get it going again.
07:32Now, he's locked the front door...
07:34...but the back is still open.
07:37At least we can take cover until the rain eases off.
07:40What do you think?
08:01Oh!
08:17Hello!
08:18Great to have you here, everyone.
08:20It's quite nice out here now.
08:22I've just been watching two frogs having sex.
08:24Oh, thank you.
08:27Come on, let's get moving.
08:28You might be lucky enough to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble.
08:32Those toads are a cramp that's driving me bananas.
08:36Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well. I can hardly feel it.
08:39Well, you go first and I'll...
08:41Oh, my God!
08:43Oh, my God!
08:45Oh, my God!
08:47Oh, my God!
08:49Oh, my God!
08:51Oh, my God!
08:53Oh, my God!
08:55Oh, my God!
08:58Oh, my God!
09:00I wanted to sleep inside.
09:02Ok.
09:06God!
09:07How did these things happen?
09:09Look, it's all right. Don't panic. It's only a small bag of mortar.
09:13We'll soon get that off.
09:16Oh, God!
09:27Oh, this is a life, isn't it?
09:49I always think you've never lived.
09:52And he'd been forced to trudge for three miles up a dirt track with a sack of concrete in it.
09:58Hard that stuff sets.
10:00I felt for sure that tar lever would have managed to crack it open.
10:03Yes, but on the other hand, it was stunningly effective in breaking three of my toes.
10:07But, by a lucky coincidence, they're already all in plaster.
10:11So it couldn't have worked out.
10:22Right, that's it.
10:29I've put it off for as long as it's humanly possible.
10:31This is where I've got it.
10:33Hopefully, when I see it, I can't last another second.
10:37No, no, Mr. Benson, please.
10:41Victor, can't you bottle it up?
10:44If I had a bottle, yes, but filling it out, I'd just have to use this tree.
10:50Sorry, Mrs. Watt, but I just have to look the other way and put your fingers in your ears.
11:00How do men always have to do it up against something?
11:06I've never been able to fathom it out.
11:19Oh, God!
11:39How much further, Mr. Meldrew?
11:43We've been walking for two hours now.
11:46We must be close to some form of civilization by now.
12:03Let's see if I can wrap this cord around the top as a thing.
12:17I don't believe it.
12:21This isn't happening.
12:24Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle.
12:31I just...
12:36Look, it's a car.
12:39Oh, thank God!
13:04Can he get up?
13:06Oh, they were joyriding loads.
13:09Thank God for that.
13:11I thought I'd never see it again.
13:14Are your bones broken or anything?
13:16Oh, careful now, Mr. Meldrew.
13:19Careful, boys, be careful.
13:21Come on.
13:25It's getting darker by the second.
13:27We can't make Gene walk any further.
13:30Somebody is going to have to go and get help, and the rest of us are waiting in the van.
13:34If you want to, I'll go.
13:36It's the only sensible thing.
13:37I'll go myself.
13:39I'll be back as soon as I can.
13:41Oh, for goodness sake, be careful, Mr. Meldrew.
13:43You never know what's out there.
14:12Oh, my God!
14:41Oh, my God!
15:10Oh, my God!
15:39Oh, my God!
15:53Good evening.
15:54I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour, but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I have been horribly lost.
16:05Far from here.
16:06I wondered if I could use your phone to call the police this Sunday.
16:09You're all muddy and wet.
16:12You need a good hot bath.
16:16Thanks.
16:25This is the downstairs bathroom.
16:28There's two other ones upstairs.
16:31I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you.
16:35And so, you're going to phone the police for me, are you?
16:43Thanks very much, then.
17:00What are you doing out of bed at this time of night?
17:26Good night, Miss Landau.
17:28Good night, Rachel.
17:48Good night, Rachel.
18:07Good night, Rachel.
18:36Good night.
18:54You turn right at the end of this road, then fork left for 100 yards and you'll be right back at the boathouse.
19:00It's literally a ten-minute walk.
19:02Right, thanks.
19:04I've got the car keys.
19:05Yes.
19:06And I'm sorry about the...
19:08I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.
19:10I'm afraid Mr. Gorshin was a little on the hyperactive side.
19:13I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone.
19:16Thanks, bye.
19:25No.
19:26No.
19:27Don't marry me.
19:28Please.
19:29No.
19:30No.
19:31No.
19:32Please don't marry me.
19:34Please.
19:35These horrible dreams.
19:37They're horrible.
19:39Please don't make me go back to bed.
19:42I've tried the intravenous sedative, but it got down to my nerves.
19:49Get up, you stupid old fool.
19:51Get up off the floor.
19:52Did you hear?
19:54Get up.
19:55Get up.
19:56Get up.
19:57Get up.
19:58Get up.
19:59Get up.
20:00Get up.
20:01Get up.
20:02Get up.
20:03Get up.
20:04Get up.
20:05Get up.
20:06Get up.
20:07Get up.
20:08Get up.
20:09Get up.
20:10Get up.
20:11Get up.
20:12Get up.
20:13Get up.
20:14Get up.
20:15Get up.
20:16Get up.
20:17Get up.
20:18Get up.
20:19Get up.
20:20Get up.
20:21Get up.
20:22Get up.
20:23Get up.
20:24Get up.
20:25Get up.
20:26Get up.
20:27Get up.
20:28Get up.
20:29Get up.
20:30Get up.
20:31Get up.
20:32Get up.
20:33Get up.
20:34Get up.
20:35Get up.
20:36Get up.
20:37Get up.
20:38Get up.
20:39Get up.
20:40Get up.
20:41Get up.
20:42Get up.
20:43I don't think we'll have too much trouble from him tonight.
20:44We'll see if he can cool down a bit by tomorrow morning.
20:45Jadi...
20:48Oh
21:18I
21:48I
22:18I
22:48Oh
22:59I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom. Oh, right
23:10See it yeah
23:13Good night. Good night. Oh
23:15Sorry, I nearly forgot nearly forgot what I very nearly forgot to call you an evil loathsome bastard
23:25The way you treat these people I should be calling the social services department first thing in the morning
23:29To tell them about the sickening brutality that goes on around here in the name of geriatric care. I
23:35Have to look after the welfare of all my residents not just one or two
23:40You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work or the destructive behavior they're capable of I'm sorry
23:47What language are you talking in now? It appears to be bollocks
23:56I think you'll find they've all gone sleepy by
24:00half a dozen value each
24:02Yes, in fact, I should think you're ready for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you? I want you
24:09If anyone calls the authorities, it'll be me bringing the police to report an aged pervert who broke into my bathroom tonight and exposed
24:18Time are you?
24:39I
24:49Don't think you're very much over tonight, but keep the door locked I make sure there's someone around first thing
24:54I
25:08Mr. Mildred
25:12If you come from well, I managed to get the van started in the end bypass the ignition
25:16I just dropped the ladies off at the car. Then I came back to look for you
25:19What's been going on I'll tell you in a minute, do we have four more bags of cement in there of any chance
25:31No, there's certainly evidence of some shocking mistreatment no question about that
25:36Biggest question of all is what happened to the staff?
25:38Where did they all vanish to suddenly can't get any sense out of the residence for some story about a mystery man
25:44Who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the night like the lone ranger?
25:49I expect they all got the wind up. He's tried to make a run for it. Well, we got here
25:53I suppose that's it. Yes. Okay sergeant all yours for statements
26:18You

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