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Cracked
  • 8/21/2024
Quaker Oats is a company known for making tasteless goop with the mouthfeel of dead bugs. Since their founding 1877, they’ve marketed their slop with a campaign of morality aimed at parents who want their precious cherubs to grow up big and strong. But in the mid-20th century, they were serving up something much more sinister. Something that decidedly isn’t a part of this complete breakfast: MURDER.

CAST:
Mr. History: Brian Morabito https://www.instagram.com/morathanenough/

Directed by: Michael Strauss
Director of Photography: Rob Menzer
Editor: Rob Menzer
Colorist: Rob Menzer
Audio: Rob Menzer
Writer: Jesse Eisemann
Executive Producer: Gabrielle Williott

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Quaker Oats is a company known for making tasteless goop with the mouthfeel of dead bugs.
00:05Since their founding in 1877, they've marketed their slop with a campaign of morality
00:10aimed at parents who want their precious cherubs to grow up big and strong.
00:14But in the mid-20th century, they were serving up something much more sinister,
00:19something that decidedly isn't a part of this complete breakfast.
00:22Murder.
00:24Well, technically no one died, but with the help of Harvard and MIT,
00:27Quaker Oats force-fed radioactive cereal to children.
00:31This is the history.
00:32According to Cracked, I'm Brian Moraveda.
00:49Our story begins at this idyllic campus outside of Boston, built in 1888.
00:54The Massachusetts School for the Feeble-Minded, not a joke,
00:58was regarded as one of the nation's premier asylums for children.
01:02In 1925, they corrected their unfortunate moniker, naming it after the big-time eugenicist Walter E. Fernald,
01:09who called for the forced sterilization of mentally handicapped and the poor.
01:13The sprawling facilities of the newly named Fernald State School
01:16featured all the amenities you'd expect from a state-run institution headed by an X-Men villain.
01:21Squalor, rampant sexual abuse, a poorly-maintained nuclear power plant,
01:26and, of course, a honeypot scheme to entrap budding scientist nerds.
01:30The juvenile prisoner patients at the facility were the perfect lab rats
01:33for the gutless dorks from nearby Harvard and MIT.
01:36The children were forced to spend their days cramped together in small dormitories
01:40under the tutelage of a disgruntled state employee,
01:43making them the ideal candidates for nutritional studies.
01:46As one scientist put it,
01:48quote,
01:54Quaker Oats had funded somewhat less evil experiments here before,
01:57so when it was suggested that they pump kids full of radioactive isotopes
02:01on behalf of the Department of Energy, they were on board.
02:04But how to trick the children into eating the poison?
02:07Well, they baited them with, as one subject recalls,
02:11quote,
02:12Hope-along Cassidy mugs, boat rides, and outings to Boston Braves baseball games.
02:17And this was all under the guise of joining the Science Club.
02:21An MIT researcher later testified that they did that because, quote,
02:25they had to eat a meal, every little drop of it,
02:27because you want to be sure they got a hundred percent of the radioactivity.
02:31And therefore, quote,
02:35Now, I wanted to speak with one of the perpetrators of this carnival of horrors,
02:38so I sat down with the Quaker Oats guy to see what the fucking deal is.
02:42Welcome, Mr. Quaker Guy.
02:44Hey, thanks for having me here. The Quaker Oats guy.
02:47What's your fucking deal, man?
02:49Okay. Is this about the radiation thing?
02:52Yeah, what else would this be about?
02:55I got a glow-up in 2012? Sometimes people like to talk about that.
02:59No, this is about the time you fed radioactive waste to children.
03:03What could you possibly have hoped to gain from poisoning babies?
03:06Okay, let's get one thing straight.
03:08I was just the money guy, and it was never about the radiation.
03:12The government wanted to see how the human body could absorb a certain mineral,
03:15so we spiked the children's cereal with radioactive isotopes.
03:21You understand that that's not, like, better, right?
03:23Yeah, saying it out loud, I can see that you would think that.
03:26And I thank you for calling me in.
03:28I've got something here I'd like to show you.
03:32Oh, okay. Is this the permission slip?
03:34It is the permission slip that you had parents of your victim sign.
03:37It reads,
03:38Dear Parent,
03:39In previous years, we have done some examinations
03:42with the purposes of helping to improve the nutrition of our children.
03:46Now, do you feel that that accurately categorizes the amount of radiation
03:50that you intended to feed their children?
03:52Well, I guess it could have been a bit more forward.
03:56You assure them that they'll receive a, quote,
03:58special breakfast meal that will contain a certain amount of calcium.
04:03Not technically incorrect.
04:05Mm.
04:05Your son has agreed to volunteer because the boys who belong to the science club
04:09have many additional privileges.
04:11They get a quart of milk daily.
04:13During that time, they are taken to a baseball game and to the beach.
04:19Sometimes outside dinners, and they enjoy it greatly.
04:22Look, nobody turned into an X-Man.
04:25In fact, studies have shown the amount of radiation these children consumed wasn't harmful.
04:30I'd like to show you one last thing, just for fun.
04:33Why don't you go ahead and read that out loud?
04:35It should be a crime to give...
04:37Look into the camera when you do it, please.
04:43It should be a crime to give children meat three times a day.
04:46There it is.
04:47Meat is immoral, but 50 chest X-rays worth of radiation, that's totally fine.
04:51Well, it's about time to steel cut this oat, man.
04:54This has been another episode of...
04:56whatever we're calling this show.
04:58Thank you for watching The History According to Cracked.
05:00I'm Brian Morobito.
05:02Please, like and subscribe.
05:03Please, please, please.
05:05We'll bring the clock back, if you don't mind.

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