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00:00so here's to q4 sales figures well done you it wasn't that hard things have really picked up
00:10since that temp left remember that idiot with a cycling helmet brendan something brian brian
00:17weaver wonder what happened to him where am i mumti shut it
00:30oh somehow i've moved into a parallel universe it's rare but it does happen
00:41soon you will be standing in front of a mighty army that's the guy that kicked me
00:52what
01:00help where am i i'm upside down no you're not brian
01:10i am actually i think you'll find i'm the one who's upside down
01:21now one of you weirdos kicked the ambassador for flint in the shell and we want to know who caused the
01:29major diplomatic incident took three days to get the slime off the streets and they polished off
01:36mount his entire cabbage crop you know what the protector's favorite vegetable is asparagus cabbage
01:43well i don't know what you're talking about that's it brian stay strong yeah don't let them know it was
01:48you how all right you start talking it was an accident i thought the shell was a football
01:57foot ball do you want me to hit him release those two you wizard and you professional
02:04don't know what else do you stay us get out well we can't leave without brian the elf stays here there it is we tried
02:11and you my friend are going to see the judge chestnut really miss rights
02:22you have no rights i'm free i'm free i can still hear you sorry mate
02:33it's all my fault it was my prophecy i mean brian was standing in front of a mighty army but they
02:48were coming to attack him and now he's locked up reminds me of the time when one of my men was
02:53locked in a cell what are we going to do we calm down barbara the law will protect brian
03:00it'll be fine it will won't it it'll be fine i know what'll cheer you up today's special is it
03:06fish pie it is explains why this place smells like the cesspit at the end of bung lane yeah here it is
03:13courthouse in session 2pm today today don't tell me you've actually got a soothsaying appointment
03:19no in fact announcement i'm giving up soothsaying why i was never any good at it
03:29truly so what are you gonna do i'm going to become a blacksmith what i've got an apprenticeship
03:37with jones the anvil apparently i've got potential i'm having my first training session this afternoon
03:42so i'll just meet you at the courthouse i've always fancied going into the law lawyers just a bunch of
03:48leeches and parasites feeding off the misery of the people elitist scum the lot of them yeah but the
03:54perks are amazing food wine robes all on expenses and you get to travel everywhere on a luxury sedan
04:02here
04:03morning herman large glass of squealish fighting wine please oh and some of your fish absolutely
04:12how do you like it done raw it's for a cat i'm not eating it it stinks you're getting a cat how exciting
04:18i am offering a unique new service proper magical cat location and retrieving what you find missing
04:26cats hmm well sometimes i do have to encourage the cat to get lost hence the fish in fact i do have a
04:35sneaking suspicion that later on this evening dear old mrs henderson's moggy colin is gonna go walkies
04:40oh it breaks my heart that cat is all she lives for i reckon she'll pay a good few softs to have him
04:48found a new low
04:54squealish
04:55that's a trick with horseshoes plenty of energy yes go on harder yes harder yes come on work up a sweat
05:16what's hot isn't it isn't it hot i'm fine yes you are okay then let's see what you have got
05:30you are a natural now i've got a special uniform that i like all my apprentices to wear
05:49be ready for you tomorrow but in the meantime let's crank up the bellows right and work up a sweat
05:55mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm should get a good seat i haven't been here since that weirdo threw
06:08up over the statue of olap for bending that was you wasn't it yes hey here we go all right break
06:16all right brain all right brain shut it you lot my client is now a free man release him oh well done
06:24what was he accused of eating a man right not guilty over in five minutes that judge will believe
06:31anything you tell her right you're next come on go on break yeah god right i better file my expenses
06:41bring round the sedan chair
06:42hey boy boy boy leave it look leave it
06:54have i missed anything nah how's the blacksmith training i'm a natural i'm even getting a special
07:09uniform nice pickled beef
07:21call brian weaver gets in there
07:26where is your legal representation i don't have any
07:29sorry i'm late your honor who are you stick stickson
07:38hmm brian weaver's advocate
07:43after advocate advocate advocate stick what are you doing you're not a lawyer
07:51nice it's all instinct prosecution state the case
07:57he did it excellent and the defense
08:08people of the court
08:12that's my wine
08:13oh sorry
08:17as i was saying my client has been charged with assaulting the ambassador for flint this is what
08:24i think of those charges
08:31defiling the charge sheet is a criminal offense yes yes yes it is
08:35damage of court robes is also a criminal offense
08:47you see before you a man an innocent man
08:55a guileless fool steady on a man no more sophisticated than a farmer from struth
09:02my husband is a farmer from struth
09:08i didn't mean to say that your husband was stupid i mean he might be uh but he's not but if he was
09:12not to say that he is but but anyway um steg
09:17what i'm trying to say is that uh um secondly do you have anything else to say
09:25if i finish now do i still get the free dinner no no oh thank you
09:38secondly uh thirdly thirdly who is really on trial here is it this man or is it justice itself
09:55i have heard enough yes it's almost as if the advocate had no legal training whatsoever oh
10:06thank you i hereby find the defendant
10:10guilty you are sentenced to 12 months hard labor in the gas mines of brevet
10:23thanks steg i'll see you in 12 months or 10 minutes in combat with radnock
10:27um who's your chance brian 10 minutes with that old goat i can't fight look at him he can barely
10:38hold the spear up i don't know oh come on it's only 10 minutes i mean you can run around for 10 minutes
10:43i choose to face rednock in combat
11:10that'd be rednock then
11:13wait a minute there's hang on whoa wait a minute i don't want to die i don't want to
11:20fight radnock afternoon i'm kevlar and you are brian
11:30yeah i think i'm just gonna go over there huh good idea we'll come with you we yeah my family there's me
11:38my brother my wife my ex-wife that's awkward hello everyone hey elf you're allowed one message by
11:48arrow what you want to say well what sort of thing whatever you want but no sexy stuff okay uh please
11:56help i'm from another universe oh that's good from another universe i'm in terrible danger
12:06brian weaver munty brian weaver munty all right who's it going to well i don't know who's the most
12:15important person here me someone outside of the prison protector well isn't he the one that had me
12:21locked up yeah isn't there some sort of organization that helps innocent people that are in trouble
12:27ah i'll ask my wife she's got these sort of things
12:32would you believe it she's in the bath hurry up i needed to go to somebody important who can help me
12:38right and that'll work will it i doubt it well i mean probably don't off it goes hang on
12:54relax brian you've got nothing to worry about yeah why's that oh you'll be dead in a few hours
12:59this is just absolutely totally awful i know that luxury sedan chair was mine for the taking
13:10it really does remind me about the time one of my men was just not now
13:15an arrow it's from brian
13:21steak rope repair bill nah it's nothing i put it on expenses
13:29it's from brian
13:33how old mrs henderson's lost her cat isn't that right colin
13:40i'm in business home and one large purple slurple please have you on the cheese
13:46there must be something we can do to help brian don't worry barbara
13:51i'm confident this time tomorrow brian will be a free man
13:54and i will be monty's most famous advocate
13:59advocate
14:04i think we need a backup plan that's four sovs plus one for the cheese
14:08ah i'll get this oh that's very kind now how well what's the backup plan
14:15i have to cut steaks steaks and i'll be taking the chair now
14:28uh won a case have you well get away from the sedent chair now
14:41oh brian it's so good to see you
14:44who's this uh kevlar uh just ignore me and my brother and my wife and my ex-wife don't get me
14:53started and my auntie susan who's visiting from pockhall i can't get rid of her the nightmare
14:58yeah do you think you could just give us some space oh absolutely actually it's a bit of a row
15:04kicking off upstairs oh that was a vase better go and calm things down
15:14anyway uh barbara thanks for coming i've been thinking about you all day
15:20can you do me a reading i need to know what's going to happen to me
15:23actually i don't do soothsaying anymore i've retrained as a blacksmith
15:31i get it a blacksmith so you just happen to be carrying a chisel for work
15:40no a file no lockpick crowbar pliers what was the one before pliers a crowbar no
15:48so you've brought nothing i have brought something thank god sorry i'm just a bit jumpy
15:56what is it a cake
16:00oh i see brilliant what's inside the cake
16:07jam right oh god i'm gonna die barbara brian don't worry howell has got a plan
16:18i just need ow what was that for oh it's just something to remember you by
16:27at midnight howell will use this hair to cast a simple summoning spell that will instantly
16:33transport you from here to the pub it's totally foolproof thank you all right that's enough you get
16:40this out i've got the hair now remember midnight
16:54cake well i would prime but it's the wife she's on a diet
16:59hurry up howell it's nearly midnight
17:07bride's hair
17:09pop it
17:13down there barbara
17:15whose hair
17:18here
17:20oh barbara
17:21oh crumpt i must have given you the wrong hair
17:28it's this one
17:29yes midnight
17:32clear it down brian my wife's got a migraine
17:35it's all right my mate's a wizard he's summoning me out of here
17:40cheers nah he's trying to escape
17:43what what are you doing he said you were so stupid you wouldn't notice
17:47did he why'd you do that that's what happens when you float with my wife
17:52here we go
17:56who's hair
17:58here
18:00hello
18:03barbara
18:04is that my special uniform
18:07yeah yeah it's nearly finished i've just got to finish tightening the nipple screws
18:12i'll see you in the morning
18:18see ya
18:20i quit
18:23oh look there it is
18:26i had it on me all the time
18:28look peanut peanut walnut whatever you've had it i'm coming in there and i'm gonna mash your face
18:35no no i didn't mean you i meant someone else oh come on hell
18:40summon
18:43is over there away thanks
18:46so
18:48don't i'm lucky who's here
18:53here
18:55connie
18:56connie come here come here boy
18:58look is there anything i can say to stop you from hurting me
19:07peanut
19:12oh brian i feel so helpless you know this really does remind me of the time when
19:17as i was saying oh yeah one time i rescued a mate from a prison cell
19:27we lured away the guards with a pie and smashed our way in with a hammer
19:34yep that's the story well that's how we rescue brian all we need is a delicious pie and a heavy hammer
19:47my
19:48my
20:14Colin. Colin, I've got some fish for you.
20:18Oh, thanks very much.
20:20Is your name Colin?
20:21Yeah.
20:23Really?
20:24Yeah.
20:27Fair enough.
20:35What took you so wrong?
20:37This is heavy.
20:40Right. First thing.
20:42Get rid of the fairies.
20:44Oh, psst.
20:46Do you want a pie?
20:48Oh, thanks very much.
20:50I just held him till he couldn't breathe.
20:56Something smells good.
20:58Ooh.
20:59Let's just buy us a few minutes.
21:09What do you hope?
21:14Ten.
21:17Ten.
21:18Nine.
21:19We haven't got time, Barbara.
21:20Just start at five.
21:21Sorry.
21:22Five.
21:23Four.
21:24Quicker, get to three.
21:25Three.
21:26Two.
21:27Look out, the fairies are coming back.
21:29Two.
21:29Two.
21:30Five.
21:30Six.
21:31Five.
21:32Six.
21:32Six.
21:33Six.
21:34Six.
21:35Brian!
21:35Run!
21:44That was a close one.
21:45Who are you?
21:46Kevlar.
21:47Where's Brian?
21:48They moved into the hospital wing.
21:49Oh, no.
21:50Don't worry.
21:51It'll be fine for the fight tomorrow.
21:52Anyway, thanks so much for getting us all out.
21:57Oh, no.
21:58I left Aunty Susan behind.
22:02Bring forth the accused.
22:12Keep the accused!
22:13Go on, Ren.
22:14No!
22:15It's in, Mark.
22:17Big much, innit?
22:18Big much, innit?
22:19Big luxa look sharp.
22:22Don't make me feel a bita get dark.
22:24Hear the banks, hear the smoke.
22:27Don't try and leg dodge a...
22:29Calm down.
22:31Your honor, I would like to issue an appeal.
22:35Appeal denied.
22:36What?
22:37The appeal has been denied.
22:39You can no longer claim expenses or legal privileges.
22:41privileges. You are dismissed. Well you haven't heard the last of me. Choose your weapon.
23:03Good choice.
23:03I didn't know you could pick more than one. Can I pick another one?
23:26No. Prepare for battle. I'm not ready. Use your speed, Bray. Watch out for the weapons.
23:34Let the combat break. Oh, there is an extra penalty for insulting your prison guard.
23:42Tricky. I can't do that. Let the combat go away.
23:59There is a further penalty for your involvement in a breakout resulting in damage to prison brickwork.
24:04Oh, there is an extra penalty for your prison guard.
24:17Soda hogar.
24:24Ready? No. You still take him, Bray?
24:28Let combat begin!
24:34Drought your sword. Ha, ha. That's not funny.
24:38Go on, Bray.
24:39He's got to get me. He's got to get me.
24:41He's got to get me.
24:42Go on, Bray.
24:43Go on, Bray.
24:44Go on, Bray.
24:47Go on, Bray.
24:48Come on, Bray. Only another nine in three quarter minutes.
24:51This is Mrs. Henderson's cat.
24:54Colin. Colin. Colin.
24:58Colin, Bray.
24:59Colin.
25:00Who's that?
25:14That's Mrs. Henderson's.
25:24Radnock is dead, which means by law the defendant is freed.
25:28Springleaf, release him.
25:33I've got circumstances.
25:35Shall we say half the fee?
25:39It's on the house.
25:40We won!
25:42Brian!
25:43Brian!
25:58Well done, Stakeson. Here are your expenses.
26:04Yes. Thank you.
26:06And now for the perks. Bring on the golden sedan chair.
26:10Yes.
26:11Many congratulations.
26:17Is that paint on your hands?
26:20You're a natural, Clarice.
26:34I do have a special uniform that I like my apprentices to wear.
26:42I say, it's very hot in here, isn't it?
26:45Why don't you, er, lose a few buttons?
26:51Oi, Blacksmith.
26:53Is this your hammer?
26:54Where'd you find that?
26:56Exactly where you left it.
26:58Outside the prison, you're in very big trouble.
27:00Ah, you know what? It's good to be back.
27:15Home.
27:16Home.
27:16Yeah. Home.
27:17Absolutely.
27:19Who wants a fish pay?
27:22Brian, there is the small matter of the cost of the summoning spell,
27:26plus the subsequent loss of my cat retrieval business.
27:29And if you could settle the robe repair bill, it's just legal stuff.
27:34Although I'm probably going to take a step back from that, you know,
27:36fight against the system.
27:38Yeah.
27:38Yeah.
27:39Yeah, nothing to do with the fact that you can't say advocate then?
27:41Of course not, I can.
27:43I have to cut it.
27:49Actually, everyone, little announcement.
27:52I've decided to go back into soothsaying.
27:56I just think it's more me.
28:00Now, shall I do you a reading?
28:03Go on, then. What's next for me?
28:13That's odd. It's the lightning fork.
28:21Well, I suppose something terrible is going to happen to me.
28:31Scrape!
28:32Sir.
28:32I want you to go to Munty, find a man and bring him to me.
28:36Who is his man?
28:37His name is Breenan Wifter.
28:43Well, the very funny new and exclusive Zapped continues next Thursday at 9.40.
28:55And if you can't wait that long, you can watch the next episode now
28:58with Dave's on-demand service, UK TV Play.
29:01Next, it's classic Red Dwarf.
29:04I'll see you next time.
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