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00:01When we reach Monty, we find the man from another world and bring him back.
00:08I estimate.
00:11Another 17 leagues.
00:17How did you know?
00:20Assassin stuff.
00:30Monty, visit!
00:37Brian!
00:39Barbara?
00:40What are you doing here? I thought we said our goodbyes last night.
00:43I don't want to worry you, but I have consulted the tarot, and the cards say that you won't reach your final destination.
00:50I'll be fine, okay? I'll get to the city of a thousand hours before the solstice, and someone there will send me home.
00:56I just need to get my ticket.
01:00I just need, I need to get my ticket, Barbara.
01:03Get my ticket.
01:05Oh, erm, I have made you some sandwiches for your journey.
01:10They're your favourite.
01:11Cheese.
01:12Fish.
01:16As I say, I'd better get my ticket.
01:18Oh, erm, and I, I've written you something.
01:23Now, no, read it now. Read it on the coach.
01:26Not now!
01:30One ticket to the city of a thousand hours, please.
01:33Certainly, sir. Luxury or standard?
01:36What's the difference?
01:37Er, well, with the luxury class, you sit at the front of the coach, so you do arrive that fraction earlier.
01:42Standard's fine.
01:43Okay, and which month would you like to travel?
01:46Er, month? Well, now. Isn't there one today?
01:48Sold out. Lady before you bought all eight tickets.
01:51Eight tickets?
01:52Yes, she's travelling with seven dwarves.
01:54Well, couldn't they just...
01:55No.
01:58So there's no...
01:59No.
02:02Looks like I'm staying.
02:04I'll just take that, er, that letter.
02:06Okay.
02:12Tomorrow, for one night only, the Monty play, the greatest show in the Western marches.
02:17Villains?
02:18We got them.
02:20Princesses?
02:22Yes, please.
02:24Will true love prevail?
02:26And will the king save the day?
02:28Find out tomorrow. Thank you.
02:32Pathetic.
02:33Come to the play, sir?
02:37Not now, mate.
02:38It's one night only.
02:39What are you doing?
02:41I'm a theatre promoter.
02:42You're not, though, are you?
02:44You're one-up from a lamppost.
02:47Is that what you want to be?
02:48A lamppost?
02:50I did always want to be a woodcutter.
02:52Well, do that!
02:53You know, you don't want to be stuck in Monty, looking like a tit.
02:58Be free.
03:03Apparently there's a throck on the loose. Nasty, vicious things.
03:09Must be what went through my bins last night. Left a right mess everywhere.
03:13There's a reward for catching it. 20 sovs. Wanted. Dead or alive. Ideally, dead.
03:20I'm off. Keep a charge.
03:22Thanks.
03:23Hey, you never paid me!
03:24I need new customers.
03:31Anyone's welcome in my pub?
03:33Apart from Hawks.
03:35What can I get you?
03:36A pint of salt water, please, mate.
03:39What are you doing here?
03:41Drowning my sorrows.
03:43Getting away from the misery of it all.
03:45Working on that building site for the protector.
03:48Or this, the leisure centre.
03:49What?
03:50That's no leisure centre.
03:52Cheers.
03:54What is it, then? Sculpture pot?
03:55Not another pub, is it?
03:57Classified information.
03:59Well, no crunk knows why I shouldn't tell you.
04:00The way they treat us.
04:02You know, they think we're just great big lunks
04:04that go around drinking salt water and eating rocks.
04:06Another salt water?
04:07Oh, yeah. Please, I'm parched.
04:09You got any rocks? No.
04:11I'm steak, by the way.
04:12Maverick, rebel, agitator.
04:15I didn't catch your name.
04:17Cumbub.
04:20Right.
04:21Um, so, they treat you badly, do they?
04:24Cumbub, yeah.
04:25Yeah, I've got to work 18-hour days.
04:27And on top of that, we've got to use this levelling powder.
04:30Sounds dangerous.
04:31Yeah, too, right.
04:32Yeah, one of my men,
04:35Bitbock, got his horn blown off.
04:37Well, you should fight back.
04:39You, my friend, are being exploited.
04:42I think it's your round.
04:43Are you okay?
04:44Is that a vicious throck?
04:45Came at me with his beak.
04:46Caught me by surprise.
04:47Hmm.
04:48Hmm.
04:49Help me!
04:50Oh!
04:51Oh!
04:52Oh!
04:53Are you okay?
04:54Is that a vicious throck?
04:56Came at me with his beak.
04:57Caught me by surprise.
04:59Hmm.
05:00Help me!
05:01Oh!
05:02I must get back to the keep.
05:06Oh!
05:07Oh!
05:09Oh!
05:10I must get back to the keep.
05:11Oh!
05:13Ah!
05:15Ah!
05:17Ah!
05:18Um...
05:19Your wing's broken.
05:21Does this hurt?
05:22Ah!
05:24What about this bit?
05:26Ah!
05:27Ah!
05:28Ah!
05:29Ah!
05:30Yeah, just a bit.
05:31So I've got five days to get to the city of a thousand towns.
05:35It's tight, Brian.
05:36But there's still hope.
05:37Could I get there by horse?
05:39Too dangerous.
05:41What about by ship?
05:42Well, maybe.
05:43Must never be inside.
05:45Why not?
05:46It's inland.
05:47Across the desert.
05:49Well, that's it then.
05:50I'll never get home.
05:51Of course, there is one way you could be transported to another world.
05:54Go on.
05:56Using the magic...
05:58of the theatre.
06:01Oh, I've just met these idiots in the square.
06:03Awful people.
06:04But what they do is so clever.
06:06They pretend someone's being stabbed.
06:08Then in the end, they haven't been.
06:10Except for two years ago.
06:12Brutal business theatre.
06:14The last play I went to see was Hamlet when I was at school.
06:17Four hours long and my arse has never forgiven me.
06:19This is the famous Monty play.
06:22Especially written each year.
06:24They've performed all across the western marches.
06:26Hang on.
06:27It says here they're playing the city of a thousand towers.
06:30The solstice spectacular.
06:32That's how I get there.
06:34I'll go with them.
06:36I wonder where they are.
06:37You know what players are like.
06:38They'll head straight to the cheapest, shoddiest tavern in town.
06:42Greetings, landlord.
06:43Three large ales.
06:45Do you take credit?
06:47Allow me.
06:48Hello.
06:51Hi.
06:52Brian Weaver.
06:53Keep talking.
06:57I don't know what you're talking about.
06:58It wasn't me.
06:59You can't prove it anyway.
07:01What is this place?
07:03Just a shop.
07:04Full of lots of perfectly legal things.
07:06Owl.
07:07Look.
07:08It's his wing.
07:09It hurts here.
07:10Ah!
07:11And here.
07:12Ah!
07:13Very magic.
07:14It's very difficult.
07:15Oh, can you help?
07:16Oh, please.
07:17I'll give it a go.
07:18Wings.
07:19Heal.
07:20Wings.
07:21Men.
07:22Tricky.
07:23Wings.
07:24Fix.
07:25Crump.
07:26Wings.
07:27Back to how they were in the first place.
07:29Ha!
07:30There you go.
07:31There you go.
07:32Any better.
07:33Ah!
07:34Bloody nightmare.
07:35Tom has absolutely left us in the lurch.
07:37What's happened to him?
07:38What's happened to him?
07:39He's gone.
07:40He just left.
07:41To become a woodcutter.
07:42Said he was just a lamppost.
07:43Well, without Tom, we've got no one to hand out the leaflets.
07:46Or set up the theatre.
07:47Or cook.
07:48There you go.
07:49I think he was the only one who was a man who was a man who was a man who was a man who
07:50was a man who was a man who was a man who was a man who was a man who was a man who was a man.
07:51bloody nightmare tom has absolutely left us in the lurch what's happened to him he's gone
08:02he just left to become a woodcutter said he was just a lamp post well without tom we've got no one
08:09to hand out the leaflets or set up the theater or cook or clean or wash our clothes or hand out
08:15the refunds he didn't even pick up the play i could help out huge responsibility brian
08:25huge i could be the new tom i could come with you guys all the way to the city of a thousand towers
08:31well you'd have to muck out the horses and deal out the wigs sounds okay and of course you'd have
08:37to apply my antifungal cream yeah love to definitely i'm not sure you're up to it brian
08:48oh i love the theater sure love it and it would be a huge honor to work with you guys
08:54plus everyone around here says that you're the best actor in the whole area
09:01well i mean we're a collective but i think i can speak for all of us when i say welcome aboard brian
09:04welcome to the most important job in show business see the play tomorrow night
09:13one night only taking the place sir the brevet players are in town miss don't forget to see the
09:19play tomorrow night one night only play
09:24yes i'm here to pick up the play excellent come in
09:40here it is wait it's not finished yet i have been struggling with the ending for the last three
09:49months
09:53i have it
09:59the end there
10:06the saga of olaf the bendy is there only one copy of course do you think i'm made of arms
10:13you see the wild throok is attracted into the alley buying the cheese it then enters into the magical
10:25circle whereupon the petrifying spell is activated encasing said creature in a block of granite
10:35you're doing pest control now howl humane street management stick for money in that case you can pay
10:45how does he do that same again herman after all i am celebrating with my orc brethren yes thanks for
10:54my leadership a petition has been presented to the authorities as we speak
10:58those players gone yeah thank crunt i'm getting on my nerves i thought you wanted more customers
11:07actors or hawks everyone else is very welcome
11:19i'll take a large sherry and two halves of beer please what are you doing bringing a fairy in my pub his
11:25name's chestnut and he's my friend are you mad get him out of here that is very extremely rude herman
11:35come on chestnut we're leaving
11:51hello
11:51hello
11:54who's there
12:10sadness
12:14oh brian my boy did you get the text oh um
12:21no it's a slight problem what there's no play well it's not that important is it i mean there are
12:27loads of plays maybe you could just do last year's one again you can't repeat a play
12:33it's treason remember what happened to the pockle strollers
12:38so what why hasn't he written it he's written it he's written it he's written it he's just making sure
12:44that it's really good so he will definitely have it done by tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow we're on
12:50tomorrow morning tomorrow morning yeah we're rehearsing from 7am exactly that's when he'll do it
12:58that's when he will be here uh-huh yep
13:00oh a bit more leafleting then from you isn't it yep right
13:05oh
13:05off you pop yeah uh brian
13:11are these wigs gonna de-louse themselves
13:12no no no oh oh oh oh right yeah
13:20a bit quicker
13:24door
13:27pompous pompous how am i pompous oh
13:29all right
13:40all right brain no really no it's the play oh i can't wait the entire town will be there
13:47and the protector he never misses it well funny story um the play sort of got totally destroyed
13:53what but the entire town will be there and the protector he never misses it i know
13:59now i need to rewrite a whole new version by tomorrow morning or bang goes my lift to the city
14:04of a thousand towers do you know anything about the saga of olaf the bending oh i love that story
14:10it's a classic all right brian get this down now there's these three brothers who go off to get
14:18the fortune now olaf the eldest brother he goes up to this golden palace no it's not three brothers
14:24it's three palaces of course that's it yeah it's like the gold palace it's a dragon the silver
14:30one has a witch and in the third palace is a princess what was that made of i want to say
14:35biscuits anyway olaf tricks the dragon into eating the witch no no no the princess tricks the dragon
14:41so where does the frog come in the frog turns into a dragon he eats the biscuits no no no the princess
14:45eats the biscuits forget it no no it's not was the frog no i'll do it myself it's because the frog was
14:50watching and the dragon there we go oh what's the point if i can't fly my fairy days are over stay
15:03positive let me read your palm
15:13this is your lifeline there's a fork
15:17i see a big decision ahead oh i'm not sure what this line is it's a scar
15:29i've got it from punching someone well i'm sure you had your reasons no
15:33what's this one another scar this one that's a scratch but it'll probably become a scar
15:44well at least your heart line is strong
15:46too tight oh sorry sorry
16:05and now we wait
16:08and now we wait
16:11yonder lies the gold palace
16:17will i save the princess and be the hero
16:26to be or not to be that is the question
16:29oh
16:43crunt
16:54double crunt
16:59Oh, my God.
17:29Oh, a very interesting take on the saga of Oil Off the Bendy.
17:33Is it?
17:34Yeah.
17:35Pretty edgy stuff.
17:37Yeah, well, Fenton said that he wanted to give you guys something more challenging,
17:41as you were the best actors he's ever worked with.
17:44Those were his words.
17:45He's a bloody good writer.
17:47That's Fenton.
17:48I think it's time we got it on its feet and had some meat to the bones.
17:53I'll let you get on with it.
17:54Sure.
17:55Well, what about the fish magazine?
17:58Uh, what?
17:58What?
17:59Well, there's always a funny fishmonger scene.
18:02Oh, yeah.
18:03No, oh.
18:05Yeah, Fenton's dropping that this year, so.
18:10He's dropping the most popular part of the play, is he?
18:12No.
18:12No.
18:13No, not the most popular part.
18:14He's going to drop it off.
18:16Oh.
18:17Later.
18:17Oh.
18:18Yeah.
18:18Dropping it off.
18:19Yeah, yeah.
18:19He's working on it now.
18:20He's just going to make it really fun.
18:22It's going to be so funny.
18:23Great.
18:23It's a funny fishmonger.
18:24Yeah.
18:24Yeah.
18:25How can it not be?
18:26Exactly.
18:27Well.
18:29Excellent.
18:30Yeah.
18:30All right.
18:31Well, in that case, antifungal cream.
18:34And on we crack.
18:35I am absolutely furious.
18:45Last glass of salt water, please, mate.
18:46Extra salt.
18:48Everything all right?
18:50We all signed that petition, yeah?
18:52Me, Jim Bob, and the Thibbo Jam, and the...
18:58Skip the names.
18:58We came with the protector, and he threw it back in our faces.
19:03Guess how much he's cut our lava rations by?
19:05Half?
19:06More.
19:06A third?
19:07No, wait.
19:08That's less.
19:08No, all of it.
19:10No, no, we've got no rations, and we've got no brakes,
19:13and he's put us on half pay.
19:14I'll give up.
19:16No.
19:17You never give up.
19:18You've got to fight back.
19:20Show the protector he can't treat you that way.
19:22But how?
19:23You know that levelling powder?
19:28Yeah, I can't work without it.
19:30Ah, what if it accidentally disappeared?
19:38Oh.
19:39Yeah.
19:39I get you.
19:40Yeah.
19:41Yeah.
19:42Yeah.
19:43I'm going to do it.
19:44Yeah, yeah.
19:45Thanks, Dick.
19:46Yeah, my pleasure.
19:48Ken, Bob.
19:51Stupid name.
19:52Yep.
19:53Oh, chestnut.
19:56Oh, what a lovely big bunch of flowers.
19:58I know.
19:59I'm starving.
20:05Oh, look how much better your wing is.
20:07You'll be flying again in no time.
20:12Oi, chestnut.
20:14Where you been?
20:15His wing's broken.
20:16Fairy with a broken wing.
20:18You disgust me.
20:20Hand over your prisoner.
20:22She's not a prisoner.
20:23Her name's Barbara.
20:25And she's my...
20:27Friend.
20:28Friend?
20:30Punch her.
20:31Come along, Barbara.
20:33We don't have to listen to this.
20:36Mop them.
20:37Bad fairy.
20:38Why don't you fly away.
20:41Oh, I forgot you can't.
20:42Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:44Ha ha ha!
20:57Up!
20:58Get up!
21:00There you go. Steady.
21:02Steady.
21:07Sit.
21:08Yep, butt. And stop!
21:11Ha ha ha!
21:12Ha ha ha!
21:14Yes.
21:26I thought you were going to catch the throw.
21:28What, Mr. Play?
21:30Never.
21:32I put a spell of irresistibility on a piece of cheese.
21:35If the trap is triggered, this will go off.
21:42Ruler of the Western Marches.
21:50The gardener of all human happiness.
21:53His serene masterfulness.
21:56Bow your heads for the Lord Protector.
22:00Silence!
22:02Clap!
22:03Clap!
22:04Clap!
22:05Start a play!
22:06Now!
22:07Here you go.
22:09Clap!
22:10Start a play!
22:11Silence!
22:24Clap!
22:29Start the play!
22:31Now!
22:31Here you go.
22:33Break a leg.
22:34What?
22:35Break a leg.
22:36Why would you say that?
22:41Ah, Olaf, my son.
22:43It's time for you to go out into the world and seek your fortune.
22:45Yes, father.
22:47Yonder, there are three palaces made of gold, silver, and possibly biscuits.
22:52Inside these, you'll find some of the following.
22:55Witches, princesses, dragons, and frogs to look out for them.
22:59I will find...
23:00Good lad.
23:01To be or not to be, that is the question.
23:04Yes, that is the question.
23:06A very good question.
23:09Elementary, my dear Olaf.
23:11Once you have removed everything else, what's left has to be the answer.
23:15They do say that life is like a box of chocolates.
23:18You never know what you're going to get.
23:22Olaf, you must leave the gold palace before the Dark Lord arrives.
23:27So we meet again, young Olaf.
23:30I used to be like you.
23:32Now I'm your master.
23:36Produce your light stick.
23:37Whoa!
23:37Whoa!
23:38Whoa!
23:39Whoa!
23:39Whoa!
23:39Whoa!
23:39Whoa!
23:39Whoa!
23:40Whoa!
23:40Whoa!
23:40Whoa!
23:40Whoa!
23:41You murdered my father.
23:43No, Olaf.
23:44I am your father.
23:45Whoa!
23:45Whoa!
23:46Whoa!
23:46Whoa!
23:47Whoa!
23:47Whoa!
23:48Whoa!
23:49Whoa!
23:50So maybe you're going to be the one that saves me.
23:54But after all, you're my wonder wall.
23:57Whoa!
23:58Whoa!
23:59Whoa!
24:00Whoa!
24:01Whoa!
24:02Whoa!
24:03Whoa!
24:04Whoa!
24:05Whoa!
24:06Whoa!
24:07Whoa!
24:08Whoa!
24:09Whoa!
24:10Whoa!
24:11Whoa!
24:12Whoa!
24:13Whoa!
24:14Whoa!
24:15Whoa!
24:16Whoa!
24:17Whoa!
24:18Whoa!
24:19Whoa!
24:20Whoa!
24:21Whoa!
24:22Whoa!
24:23Whoa!
24:24Whoa!
24:25Whoa!
24:26Whoa!
24:27Whoa!
24:28Whoa!
24:29Whoa!
24:30Whoa!
24:31Whoa!
24:32Whoa!
24:33Whoa!
24:34Whoa!
24:35Whoa!
24:36Whoa!
24:37Whoa!
24:38Whoa!
24:39Whoa!
24:40There might be time to leave, man.
24:51Huh?
24:52Well, I've done what you suggested.
24:54I've stuck an old keg of leveling powder under the protector's chair.
24:57Boom!
24:58What?
25:08Look, it's healed.
25:10It doesn't matter.
25:14I'm never going back.
25:16I'm done being a fairy.
25:17I want to be with you, Barbara.
25:24Steve!
25:25What are you doing?
25:26Trying to find a way out.
25:28Why?
25:29You know, just do a bit of shopping.
25:31What?
25:32Perhaps there might be a bomb in the building.
25:34Might?
25:36Yes.
25:36Lovely jubbly.
25:41Olaf!
25:42You plonker!
25:44Listen!
25:45Listen, everyone.
25:47We've got to get out of here.
25:48There's a bomb in the theater.
25:49No one being serious.
25:53This place is going to blow sky high.
25:58We're all going to die.
25:59Boop, boom, boom, boom.
26:11Boop, boom, boom.
26:12what's that leveling powder at the theater that's a category one incident
26:27still nothing to do with me go chestnut they need you go and be a fairy
26:37i'll never forget you barbara
26:49bye
26:52the coach no matter but how are we supposed to get to the city of a thousand towers
27:00yeah but don't you see brian we don't need a coach we can go anywhere we like using the magic of
27:07theater fuck off somebody here has tried to assassinate the protector and therefore
27:17is guilty of treason i'm gonna find out who that is
27:21and by the time i'll finish with you all why is that noise it's me sorry
27:35got the throck it's a few swords coming shut it
27:41now i want to know who did this
27:43here's the guilty party i grabbed him as he was being attacked by this throck
27:50i knew you could do it chestnut shut it
27:55welcome back chestnut now don't let anyone out
27:58shall i scratch the throck what's eating my cheese
28:11gotta say you did a brilliant job on that play brian
28:16love the barman character what an idiot where'd you get your ideas from
28:21you cost me my reward money don't blame me blame barbara's boyfriend he's just a friend
28:26i'm down well i did get a reward from the protector for saving his life so
28:32drinks are on me you are all right brian i have always said so topping up
28:38what's this
28:41it's a petition look at their stupid old names
28:46people
28:49oh what's this drawing on the back
28:50that's the protector's building plans
29:00he's building a hinge
29:04capable of storing vast amounts of magic
29:08isn't a vast amount of magic exactly what i need to cross worlds a powerful blast of magical
29:14energy from the hinge coupled with the super solstice plus a large fee brian
29:18i think i can get you home
29:25the new and exclusive series of zapped continues next thursday at 9 40 and it's the final episode
29:30of the series so we get to see if brian will ever return home from his interdimensional adventures
29:35if you can't wait watch it now with dave's on demand service uk tv play but next up it's time for
29:41for more intergalactic adventures with our favorite smeg heads on red dwarf