- 2 days ago
First broadcast 20th February 1973.
England are playing Bulgaria at football and Flint, whom the lads meet in the hairdressers, bets the pair they cannot get through the day without learning the result.
James Bolam - Terry Collier
Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris
Sheila Fearn - Audrey Collier
Brian Glover - Flint
Donald Gee - Vicar
Corbet Woodall - TV Announcer
Pamela Conway - Barmaid (as Lorna Wilde)
Bernard Douglas - Dallas
Brian Godfrey - Garry
Katy Allan - Rita
Drina Pavlovic - Sonia
England are playing Bulgaria at football and Flint, whom the lads meet in the hairdressers, bets the pair they cannot get through the day without learning the result.
James Bolam - Terry Collier
Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris
Sheila Fearn - Audrey Collier
Brian Glover - Flint
Donald Gee - Vicar
Corbet Woodall - TV Announcer
Pamela Conway - Barmaid (as Lorna Wilde)
Bernard Douglas - Dallas
Brian Godfrey - Garry
Katy Allan - Rita
Drina Pavlovic - Sonia
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, what happened to you? Whatever happened to me? And what became of the people we used to be?
00:16Tomorrow's almost over, the day went by so fast. It's the only thing to look forward to, the past.
00:30Oh, Gary. All right, then? Hi, Denny. Darnus. How's things, Bob? Oh, fine, fine.
00:43My God, this place hasn't half changed. Yes, well, everything's changed since you've been away, hasn't it?
00:48Yeah, but I mean, this used to be just a barber's. Hairdressers. Nobody's said barber since the Tony Curtis.
00:54You haven't yet caught, Bob? Oh, no, thanks, Rita. Just washed and blow-dried, Tar.
00:57Girls? Yes, girls. They work here. I've never had girls in a men's barbers.
01:03I shouldn't think anybody has. Um, Gary, this is Terry, a friend of mine. Can you fit him in?
01:09Sure, yeah. He needs, uh... Oh, yes, he does, doesn't he?
01:13I've been in the army for five years. Could you sort of restyle him, bring him into the 1970s?
01:18All right, well, let's see. Well, I don't know. I'll do what I can. Anyhow, take a seat and I'll get you washed in a minute.
01:24Great, Tar.
01:32Washed? Why do I want my hair washed?
01:34What?
01:35I don't want my hair washed. I only washed it Tuesday week.
01:39You have to have it washed. You have to have it washed and blow-dried.
01:43You didn't have to have it washed in the old days.
01:45And this was an honest-to-goodness barber's. When it was two bob hair cut, one and nine a trim, there was none of the shampoo nonsense.
01:50I suppose you preferred it in the old days, with its cracked mirrors and flypaper and hair all over the lino.
01:56I suppose you preferred Tommy Mossop, the terror of the tongs, with his clippers and his hair oil and his nudge-nudge, anything else you require.
02:08Well, he knew the horses did, Tommy. Gave me a good few tips, I can tell you.
02:12Not on IG, he didn't. He never had his fag out of his mouth or his ash out your scalp.
02:17And you sat there knee-deep in other people's dandruff.
02:21Do you want a manicure today, Bob?
02:23Can't preserve it.
02:24No, not today, thanks, Gary.
02:29At least you knew where you were with Tommy.
02:32What?
02:34Well.
02:35Well what?
02:36Well, I wouldn't like to be blow-dried by any of that lot.
02:41They're all puffs, are they?
02:43Shh!
02:43Collier's Law. And all fashion designers, and all window dressers, I suppose.
02:48It's a well-known fact.
02:49Yeah, another well-known fact.
02:50Anybody who's always putting queer people down and being aggressively masculine, like you, is only masking their own latent tendencies.
02:57Do you want me to stick one on you?
02:59You see, you see how aggressively masculine you're being.
03:01What do you expect me to do when somebody says something like that?
03:05Hit them with your handbag.
03:08Who do you fancy to win the game?
03:10Oh, England, I should think, Gary.
03:11It won't be easy, though, will it?
03:12Our team Bulgaria, and out there, on the box tonight, isn't it?
03:16Going to watch it?
03:17Oh, we're going to watch it.
03:18So true. Trouble is, the kick-off's not till lunchtime. I don't know how we're going to get through the day without learning the score.
03:23You'll never make it. There's the radio, evening papers, television news.
03:27We'll make it.
03:28I'd add to those Bulgarians. No walkover.
03:31Fancy a draw meself.
03:33What does he know about football?
03:36Quite a lot. Quite a lot. He had a trial for Burnley once.
03:39Him?
03:41Never.
03:41Still plays. Sunday League-like. So do Gary there and Denny.
03:46Really?
03:46You see, you shouldn't jump to... Shall I tell you something? Shall I?
03:49Gary there, before he came here, used to do the hair of half Newcastle United Football Club.
03:55Bob Monker. Malcolm MacDonald. Malcolm MacDonald uses the same conditioner as me.
04:02And do you think he's soft? Well, have you ever seen a homosexual striker?
04:07You next, Bob. And your friend.
04:11Relax, man. She's not going to pull your teeth out.
04:20Oh, the way.
04:25Do you want the beer, egg, or herbal tonic?
04:28Nothing to drink from me, thanks.
04:31The shampoos, you fool.
04:33Is your scalp dry or greasy?
04:35Well, I don't know, do I?
04:36What sort of shampoo do you normally use?
04:38He usually uses carbonic and wild wood.
04:40Oh, build up, will you?
04:43I'll use the beer.
04:44You should take a bit more care. The ends are breaking.
04:47I happen to have been in the forces.
04:48There wasn't always a backwash Andy in the jungle.
04:51Oh, heaven preservers. Here we go.
04:54Howdy, lads.
04:55Hello, Flint.
04:55All right, it's Flint.
04:57Hello, Bob.
04:58Hello, Flint.
04:59Good God, is that Collier?
05:01What are you doing here?
05:02What are you doing here?
05:04Oh, let's come here.
05:07You do French polishing here and all, do you?
05:10I like my hair this way.
05:11It suits you. One hair brush forward, the other two brush back.
05:14All right, she's stuffed, then.
05:16Oh, has that beer shampoo gone straight to his head?
05:18I won't be long, Flint.
05:20Who do you think will win the match, then?
05:22I'm here.
05:22Heard what?
05:23Well, the news from Bulgaria.
05:25Don't tell us!
05:26Don't tell us!
05:26We've got to watch you on the box tonight.
05:28You'll never last out till tonight.
05:30Let me put you out here.
05:31Don't tell us!
05:32Two-nil!
05:41I'll hammer that Flint.
05:43I'll kill him.
05:44That's typical of him.
05:45I was once standing in a queue to see Psycho,
05:47and he came out of the pictures and told me the ending.
05:49Yeah, typical.
05:51Two pints of special, Gloria, love.
05:53Is it raining out?
05:55No, why?
05:56Nothing.
05:57I wonder who scored.
06:00Well, it depends who got them, doesn't it?
06:02Them or us?
06:02Well, it must have been them.
06:03They're the own team.
06:04Two-nil, he said.
06:05Yeah, but people don't go around saying nil-two, do they?
06:08Not in ordinary speech, they don't.
06:09You don't say nil-two.
06:11You say we won two-nil or we lost two-nil.
06:13Yeah, well, he's still ruined it for tonight, hasn't he?
06:15I mean, whoever scores first on the box, well, that's it, will know.
06:18The game doesn't start till 10-20,
06:20and we haven't lasted out till five to one.
06:23Hang on.
06:23What?
06:24Hang on a minute.
06:25Hang on.
06:25Kick-off's at one o'clock, right?
06:26Our time.
06:27So they're only just now kicking off.
06:29Flint was having us on.
06:30What a rotten thing to do.
06:32Have you heard the news from Bulgaria?
06:37Where is Bulgaria?
06:39What?
06:41Well, it's your eastern block, isn't it?
06:43It's, er...
06:44Well, I mean, if you're going from Greece towards Russia,
06:48it's sort of second on your left.
06:51All right.
06:53Balkans.
06:54Pardon?
06:55It's your Balkans.
06:57Out there, where they've had all that terrible flooding.
06:59Tragic.
07:00Thousands homeless.
07:01Well, that's to our advantage, isn't it?
07:03Heavy pitch.
07:04What a terrible thing to say.
07:07What an inhuman attitude.
07:08Well, they know how to cope with floods and such like out there.
07:11They're used to that sort of thing.
07:13Catastrophes away a life to them.
07:14And what does that ridiculous remark mean?
07:17Well, all them countries over there,
07:18all them places like Persia and Bulgaria and the Middle East,
07:22they're all unstable.
07:24If they're not having floods, it's earthquakes.
07:26If it's not earthquakes, it's typhoons.
07:28That's what makes the people so unstable.
07:30That's why they're always so hysterical.
07:32Always leaping up and down and wanting a war or change a government or something.
07:36Are you seriously putting that forward as a theory of national character?
07:39Certainly, it's true.
07:41Now, you take Britain.
07:43We don't get earthquakes or tidal waves or anything, do we?
07:46I mean, we get to these bitter northeasterlies in February,
07:48but we don't have to pack our possessions and flee south.
07:51That's why the British character is so stable.
07:54That's why we're so dogged and relaxed and calm under crises.
08:00But according to you, we don't get any crises.
08:02We don't.
08:04But if we did, we would be calm under them.
08:08You know, I'm learning a lot about you today.
08:11I bet we could go right round the world and you'd have a pat response ready.
08:14Half-travelled, man.
08:15Half-seen a bit of the world now, you know.
08:17What do you think of Koreans, for instance?
08:21Not to be trusted.
08:22Cruel people.
08:22Much the same as all Orient.
08:25That's a third of the world's population, dismissed in a phrase.
08:29Russians?
08:30Sinister.
08:31Egyptians?
08:32Cowardly.
08:33Oh, I thought you might have saved that for Italians.
08:35No, no, no, no.
08:36They're greasy, aren't they?
08:37Not as greasy as the French, mind.
08:39Germans?
08:40Arrogant.
08:41Spaniards?
08:41Lazy.
08:44Danes?
08:46Pornographic.
08:51Well, that's just about everyone.
08:53Oh, Americans.
08:54Well, they're flush, aren't they?
08:55So it's just down to the British, is it?
08:58Well, I haven't got much time for the Irish or the Welsh.
09:01And the Scots are worse than the Koreans.
09:03And you never could stand Southerners.
09:08To tell you the truth, I don't like anybody much outside this town.
09:11There's a lot of families on our street I can't stand either.
09:13What do you think of it?
09:16I don't even like the people next door.
09:17Oh, I see.
09:19So, from the distant blue Pacific, through the barren wastes of Manchuria, to 127 Incomen Terrace, you can't abide anyone.
09:27How you came to marry a German girl, I'll never know.
09:30The failure of my marriage only goes to prove my point.
09:34Them and us don't mix.
09:36England should take heed of the failure of my entry into Europe.
09:40God didn't make this country an island by accident, you know.
09:44Oh, I see.
09:45So, to sum up, the British have come under a crisis, the rest of the world is unstable, and all hairdressers are fairies.
09:53Except Tommy Mossop.
09:54Oh, except Tommy Mossop.
09:57Hello, lads.
09:58Not raining, is it?
10:00Not at the latest score, then?
10:02Oh, shove off, will you, Flint?
10:04Only a joke, only a joke.
10:06People don't joke about that kind of thing.
10:08You could have screwed up our whole day.
10:09You'll never last all day.
10:11You've got to hear somehow before ten tonight.
10:14We can manage if we can.
10:44We can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we can manage if we
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