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We’re not just here to bring you the best web dramas — we’re also part of a powerful wellness network for men that cares about your performance both on screen… and in the bedroom.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00you're not ticklish at all nothing there's shell in there you've got to go to stonehenge strong
00:12recommend where is she hurry up sue or i'll be late for the dentist oh all right rachel but i've
00:18got to put my dvds in the sheets oh my now paul i didn't rewind them but that's fine with dvds
00:25isn't this yes mum we've been through this oh look mum the under offer thing's gone from next
00:29doors for sale sign oh no does that mean it's no longer under offer i don't know it i mean it might
00:35have blown off have they pulled out well they can't have pulled out they won't have pulled out no way
00:42no way we can go via the estate agent and ask them as long as we leave right now oh paul i've dropped
00:48there's one rolling down the drive oh i'm coming okay what are they okay what do they look like
00:56he's very smart and her coat's very orange he's very smart and her coat's very orange i've only seen
01:02them from behind so dutch maybe what are you doing listen there are some potentially dutch people who
01:11have made an offer next door so we're just trying to scare them off spy on them a bit find out where
01:15they are right what oh my tooth hurts when i do that so we don't do that oh thank you thank you
01:21great advice we'll just go to a dentist what aren't you supposed to be at school no it's a study day
01:27well go and study then i am i'm doing film studies i have to make a 15 second horror film just film dad
01:32eating a donut oh yeah very funny amy lots of people suck the jam out first it's not that weird it is
01:38why have you got your suitcase oh are you moving back in what no of course not my granny said she'd
01:45do my ironing yeah i did which ones are the horror films against sammy is it like titanic it's like
01:51have you seen it what titanic no no it or the thing mum have you seen the thing what thing where did
01:57you put it oh just forget it maybe i'll get some for my film club with crude mess are you kidding
02:03you're not getting your bed sheets ironed like your kim jong-un yeah all right fine knickers i mean
02:08who gets knickers iron for goodness sake those are myers oh are they so cut them down i am i have
02:15i'm not touching my panties panties oh god never say panties yeah this is all myers actually i don't
02:21have anything that needs ironing i don't have a job and she's been doing overtime recently because
02:25we've got quite a few bills and you don't have a job yeah so i'm trying to find nice things that i can do
02:30for her do you mean paul should i iron your tabard it's a tactical vest mum not a tabard i'm a
02:36policeman not a blooming dinner lady lady what oh man dinner man yes no i don't want you to iron
02:44creases into my tactical vest please the other officers already think i'm a bit square doorbell
02:50you're the closest to the door mum yeah but i've got bad tooth you only have to answer it you don't
02:54have to eat your way through it yeah exactly oh my god can i invite maya to pizza night on wednesday
02:59why so you can have a free dinner no you should cheer up well both all right watch out for the
03:07bump please the lovely lady lump all right all bump coming through oh cheryl yeah it's a boy
03:14i can tell no you can't oh it feels like a whole bunch of boys to be honest though there is so much
03:19kicking i mean there really is it's like she's got the cast of river dance down there they're coming out
03:23again paul they're they're coming out oh we've got some dutch people moving in next door oh holland
03:30yes holland uh any reason you're here robin he wants sponsorship for his bungee jump bungee jump
03:36you're going bungee jumping yes i'm so sorry yes i am yes i want to do as much mad as i can before the
03:42baby slides out so if you'd care to sponsor me go on then robin i'll give you a pound of bounce oh it
03:48should only be one bounce ideally but thanks sue that's you doing a two channel is that a day
03:55i've just had my hair done exactly i mean and and you're heavily pregnant oh what heavily as in
04:02you know you're eight months pregnant you look fantastic on it now that is true yeah and the
04:08baby would probably come out when i'm buying back oh yeah that's true yeah the older umbilical cord
04:14nature's bungee rope can i film it i need stuff my horror film oh yeah just a bit spielberg so it's
04:1910 a.m saturday box and park hang on horror film but what why it's not it's not dangerous is it no no
04:27probably not i'll check i'll check on www.google.co.uk come with me and graham to the death metal gig on
04:35thursday if you want horror sam someone threw a dead pigeon on stage last time oh yes i'll have a
04:40bit of that i've never been to a death metal gig it's saying bungee jumps can make your eyes pop out
04:46what no no i do not want that for me i don't want to be married to popeye i won't get popeye i doubt
04:54i'll get popeye it's a health and safety nightmare oh god here we go pc gone mad reporting for duty oh
05:00that is i'm just saying it's dangerous amy i'm not being pc okay fine you're being boring i hardly
05:06think pointing out the potential risks of a leisure activity makes someone boring that's why the
05:11police hide you in the basement so no one has to talk to you they don't hide me thank you i am manning
05:17the evidence store all of the other boys picking on you oh no they're just just a bit angry with me
05:24you know what why i told one of the jamies about his leaving dude turns out it's supposed to be a
05:29surprise so i ruined it sadly oh one of the jamies yeah how many jamies are there there's four
05:37there's four jamies that's a lot of jamies it's so confusing yeah and they're all so like hunky and
05:42spunky and so i guess they consider me to be sort of older and boring stop saying boring i am not boring
05:51am i no i mean oh my god guys that was like five seconds you're not that boring paul that what do
06:05you mean that there's no need for the that mum you're not boring paul will do i mean i'm a former
06:13olympian for goodness sake some of the most boring people on the planet carry on you've you've got some
06:17funny stories are they uh the pizza one yeah yeah that's quite funny yeah the pizza one it's really
06:27funny okay i tell you what paulo join me on the bungee cord on saturday morning nothing boring about
06:32that mate problem solved it's not a problem oh my god rachel am i boring yeah it's susie joe the people
06:40by our next door do you remember susie and joe they don't sound very dutch no they're not dutch they had
06:44a son that went to school with amy but then he left to go to a different senior school so we lost
06:47touch what milo's parents milo yes exactly i always felt me and susie had a real connection
06:54i really felt that we were meant to be special friends susie and joe yeah oh didn't we do the
06:59school christmas yes yes do you remember yeah oh they were great can you imagine if they move in next
07:03door oh my god oh my god oh my god well you should go and invite them over oh my god really do you think so
07:07do you think so yeah yeah if they're gonna be our neighbors i mean you should go and invite them
07:11over one night this week okay i'm gonna bloody do it oh my god susie me and susie susie and rachel oh my
07:16god i'm so excited about this wow it's like jamming this time that yeah that's very dry
07:26yeah okay as quick as we can yes yes
07:28hello hi sorry um we were just after some information um oh okay hi uh hello hello good day
07:41okay uh hi hello hi we're just here to ask about the house on pinot court 37 pinot yes yep no problem
07:50what's your name oh no no we're not stopping i've got i'm late for a dead disappointment yeah is it is it
07:54back on the market yeah only the under offer strip's been removed from the sign so we just
07:58wanted to know what was going on yeah yeah no problem if you just give me an email address we
08:02can start your property search for you we're not searching for a property that's not why we're
08:07no we are the next door neighbors in pinot court and we just need to know if number 37 is is is under
08:12offer or not yeah that's literally all we need to no problem so four bedroom houses with outside
08:17space id is it oh my god no no no no we're just literally asking about this house exactly so if you
08:23could just tell us is 37 pinot court still under offer that's the only reason we're here yeah
08:30please tell us no problem so what should i put down for budget oh my gosh 100 million pounds well
08:37that's nuts what really yeah okay yeah i'm a cash buyer i'd like to buy uh 37 pinot court for 100
08:44million pounds well yeah can you just please tell us up front if it's under offer or not
08:50no problem at all so let's start with your email start it feels like we've been talking for
08:56honestly 15 years gonna be late now for my dentist appointment yeah so we is it under offer why did
09:02the strip come down please just tell us is it under offer paul.jonathan.jessup at proton.me
09:11buyers pulled out a couple of days ago right thank you did they say why
09:15i think we know why it might not definitely be me rage i don't understand it you know i've been
09:23telling everyone at the station about my bungee jump and i'm getting nothing nobody cares well you
09:29know you can't force it oh who is it it's a dentist bastard okay oh i missed my appointment with him
09:37yesterday what you've been waiting ages for that yeah why is the dentist a bastard well because he puts
09:43metal things in my mouth and it hurts so because he's a dentist yes the bastard anyway i don't need
09:49to see him now why because uh it's gone away the pain gone away yeah i'm not sure that's how it works
09:54well no it's teeth i think it can i think i think they can heal i don't think they can mum no doorbell
10:00oh that'll be joe and susie no it's maria hi hi how are you doing hey yeah good good i'm just
10:09exhausted oh and there's some people snooping around the house next door by the way oh oh no no that's
10:15that susie and joe they're coming here for dinner paul they're here um how do i look it's just tense
10:21made an effort with the why are you so tense they know the people moving in next door so mum's excited
10:25they might finally have some friends we have friends thank you robin and cherry don't count
10:30oh no amy we have friends we've got each other oh no that's tragic we've got um i've got is that
10:36what is that noise oh it's prudence and your grandmother sorry sorry who's sarah no yeah let's
10:43bring it down please mum it's it whoa whoa what even is that the human centipede
10:52oh can you lower the volume please we've got guests coming no prue won't be able to hear it
10:59if it's lower than this really i won't is it a pirate dvd granny no it's a horror one no i mean
11:06sorry as in where'd you get them all from oh um you know ken the the chap who sells movies out the
11:13back of his car in the boat in lake car park okay well then they're definitely pirate dvds
11:19and that's a crime mom that's a crime mom stop committing crime i do not speak like that amy
11:26yes you do they're here they're here i'm not boring oh god no no no no don't answer the door straight
11:31away that's really susie hi hi hi hi hi oh we were just near the door we weren't waiting for you
11:38i just uh i forgot you were coming no i mean i didn't come on in yeah come on sorry we're so on
11:45time we're just having another look next door checking out our new house fingers crossed
11:54oh thank you thank you for shutting the door oh sorry i didn't mean to kiss your neck
12:01yeah this is um my partner yeah hi jackie i thought you were dutch and uh yeah when because
12:12no no rach take it away uh well amy you know uh from year six well she's growing a little bit now
12:21uh very tall very tall and my and her girlfriend also very tall like it's so tall these days i mean
12:29you know if if they i mean they might not be all of them i mean i mean very interested to see the
12:33stats i would be genuinely uh this is our youngest he has got a camera he's got adhd tends to film
12:39everything i hope that's okay that's cool come on through we ordered some pizzas oh god get the
12:45hell in there love pizza yeah thank you sorry about that just relax mum you were amazing joe at the music
12:59round i recall oh yeah well you know misspent youth yeah we were a good team actually oh we were we really
13:08uh oh we can do quizzes all the time now you're next door yeah well well the deal's not done yet
13:13but yeah barbecues i mean this will be us from now on a glass of wine at four o'clock one o'clock more
13:22we can pull this wall down and make it one big house well that wouldn't be structurally safe yeah
13:28we can put a door in and put a door in yeah so do you still do the archery then paul huh oh yeah
13:34yeah as in no no i do not compete now no but i am a policeman now so yeah hang on you must know jamie
13:45then do you um yeah my brother jamie's a cop yeah but he's quick next month to become a yoga teacher
13:52wow oh yeah dad ruined his surprise leaving well yeah not on purpose i didn't not deliberately i would
13:58never um but yeah i know jamie yeah i know jamie really great smile smells real good yeah huge yeah
14:06he's got me he's a big guy he's a big guy yeah he's uh yeah i mean yeah yeah yeah is that a diamond
14:12earring oh yeah yeah yeah yeah well just a midlife crisis you know in jewelry form yeah literally you
14:19know yeah yeah i'm i'm turning 45 next week so that's it's no age you don't you doing anything
14:25to celebrate no no wait no no these pizzas are delicious by the way yeah really nice thin
14:34ramana price yeah and um some olive verde uh if anyone likes green olives
14:41um italy yeah i um actually have a funny story about pizzas oh yeah good yeah yeah um yeah well yeah
14:54i mean uh well i once went to what we all did this uh this pizza place in hitchin all right
15:01about five years ago now we'd all been to the north hartfordshire museum yeah yeah it's great they've
15:06got some really interesting um displays about wool oh yeah about its value to the north hartfordshire
15:13economy yeah right back in um well through through the ages really yeah yeah well afterwards i really
15:21fancied a pizza well we all did so we went to this place nearby that from the outside looked perfectly
15:27nice yeah yeah but but um in on the inside oh no well no it was it was nice it was nice as well
15:33okay truth be told and this um yeah this waiter comes over is a nice kid young yeah uh not italian
15:40and i uh and i ordered my pizza well we all did and uh and everyone's pizza arrived and i was just sat
15:46waiting for mine oh god i mean it was fine it was probably like five minutes or so maybe even less
15:52three or four minutes and uh in fact sam's pizza arrived late as well so you know it wasn't
15:59an issue get to the funny yeah anyway i am anyway um uh uh so eventually and i still can't believe
16:09my pizza arrived the waiter brings it over we can smile on his face and it my pizza was square
16:19it was square oh right yeah
16:29was it meant to be square i don't know i don't think so no nobody else's was but mine was mine was square
16:39yeah
16:45what is that noise can you hear that oh what is that noise what is asleep oh oh my goodness
16:53mia mia oh yes yeah you you fell asleep during dad's anecdote oh should we sorry just sorry everyone
17:03pizza was square in the end square pizza square pizza yeah yeah she's working really long hours
17:09she really is that's why that's why yeah it is yeah uh anyone for an olive
17:16doing the bungee jump next week um i think jamie has mentioned you actually yeah oh yeah
17:23yeah yeah i have not in what way i think so thank you sorry is it ah oh i'm sorry okay are you all right
17:31okay no sorry the stones are still in the oh olives oh mom is that your tooth a lot susie's
17:39oh yes okay does that really hurt oh my god yeah it is oh no that's horrible your tooth your tooth
17:46oh my i'm i'm so sorry no no no it's fine it's fine it's oh god maybe if you should i get that yeah
17:53if you just grab it i think sorry yeah just grab it and then i oh unless you want extra topping
17:58no i really don't you should have done that sorry no i don't want to take it
18:03yeah don't film the sound oh god
18:11you and your bloody square pizza we don't know why they pulled out rachel okay
18:15we do we do and your tooth fell out of the dinner table that could happen to anyone people
18:20who don't go to the dentist mainly yeah that was funny that was a good bit losing a tooth was
18:25a good bit you didn't help sam filming them the whole time yeah oh well don't blame sammy
18:31okay i'll blame you then sue for showing them an absolutely disgusting horror film exactly i thought
18:38the human centipede would be more like the hungry caterpillar to be fair
18:42yeah hence returning them hey this this isn't the boat in lake car park no i know mom we're just
18:48dropping rachel off at the dentist and then i will take you to your pirate dvd man ken yeah right
18:55well i'll tell prue to meet me here then can i film you in the dentist mum what no why from a horror
19:01film death metal gig was useless um i haven't got joe's number no i we're not calling them rachel i need to
19:08get to get to susie i need to explain that we're meant to be friends just go and get your tooth
19:13okay that's what i'm doing it's yet another appointment is the door shut
19:19i think
19:25not being negative but i hate this it's awful i have to i have to go
19:31okay
19:35put your foot down pearl if ken has gone home we won't be able to return our dvd it's all right
19:45mum it's not my fault don't blame me we've been waiting ages for rachel it was that dentist bastard
19:52sue he numbed your jaw then did he rage he did much more than necessary yes oh bless you
19:59oh god have we seen saw two sue i saw saw two with you prue are you sure i thought we saw saw we did
20:07see saw then we saw saw two you saw saw two too prue did i see saw three though not with me no oh my god
20:15can we stop this please it's like being in the car with dr seuss right go on then you two go and get
20:23a refund on your pirate dvds as if that's ever happened is that the police hmm what the police oh
20:35it's one of the jamies oh my god ma'am come back come back you what come back why it's ken it's the
20:47police they're raiding him come on this is what happens when you dabble in pirate dvds they're
20:52horror dvds no as in just get rid of them i can hide them in my poof it's got a secret lid no you're
21:00not hiding them in the poof i'm dumping them in the lake the lake they're not dead bodies and they'll
21:06float oh all right find the bin come on i could get serious jobs if i get caught with these oh dad look
21:15it's joe and susie oh my god oh my god it's them it's them rich through the police no joe and susie
21:27they just walked past yes do something should we do something can we do anything do something um um
21:38what should we do
21:38this is really creepy well you have no way of contacting them sam and we're our friends yeah
21:46go and talk to them then well hang on no no no i can't do that i don't think we're following them
21:51you are following them we should just turn around now i need to know why they pulled out sam
21:56if they think i'm boring then they can jolly well say it to my face and why would that help because i
22:00are not boring they've stopped oh joe's making a call oh they're going separate ways what do we do
22:06let's stick with doozy okay yeah hang back hang back wow is that their house i don't know i don't know
22:13rachel this feels wrong but we shouldn't be here it's fine let's go quickly where's she going
22:23okay okay this is weird rachel this is really weird
22:26that you're following her in here i agree let's go i don't want to go i don't want to go look at it
22:38it's tasteful it's like being born it's fine it's not fine it's weird rachel we need to get away can
22:47you go in first what hello hello hello
23:05rachel what and paul do they so bye so what are you doing here um well i i don't have your number
23:15and i wanted to discuss the house purchase and whether that have you been drinking no i haven't
23:20been drinking god at all no no i've been to the dentist i've been to the dentist all right okay
23:25uh well sorry can we just reset everything reset everything and the lights please
23:31i'm so sorry i'm so sorry absolutely absolutely oh gosh
23:36challenge annika isn't it hey guys hey challenge annika hey hey sorry excuse me hey
23:45oh oh my god what's going on um i'm so sorry happy birthday um happy birthday
23:56no no no no no no no don't no we had a surprise thing planned but they um ruined it
24:05all right sorry about that hi hi paul hey mate paul oh hey jamie are you kidding
24:14he's done it again what is your problem why do you keep ruining people's surprise parties well i
24:19didn't know about this one you know and she said that they weren't planning anything for his birthday
24:25well that was because it was meant to be a surprise well yeah obviously that makes perfect sense i'm
24:28sorry we will get out of here i'm sorry i'm so sorry but um can i can i can i just take your number
24:35susie so that we can stay in touch because i haven't got it why would we stay in touch
24:38but i barely know you rachel that's that's why you weren't invited to this party yeah
24:47uh makes sense um okay uh well let's clear up the dvds
24:51we'll clear out the dvds come on let's get this um thank you damien genuine apologies let's just
24:58get all these out your way the texas chainsaw massacre what huh are these all pirate
25:04they're my mums they're my mummies she's got a film club with her friend pru yeah and they
25:10yeah leave it let's go let's go i'm so sorry come on sam coming um see you see you later have a good
25:15um sorry hang on just want to say i am not boring what i'm not a boring man so that pizza story
25:27was solid okay it's gone down very well in the past what story okay well basically um i went to the
25:34pizza restaurant in hitching what we all did a few years ago now don't do it um well you don't know it
25:38might work the pizza was square yeah is the ending thank you funny and look i don't want to say is
25:50that why you're not moving next door because i'm boring or is it or is it her tooth falling on your
25:59tooth what are you talking about no no there's japanese knotweed in the garden oh
26:05oh that explains it that's that's bad that's bad news oh is it i'd say
26:16it's the worst news ever i can't believe this japanese knotweed oh for god's sake japanese knotweed
26:23it's not great okay let's go i'm sure you'll sort it out sorry thank you happy birthday happy birthday
26:29do you come on japanese knotweed rach that's gonna take years oh i'm gonna have to apply a glyphosate
26:36based herbicide over several summers oh dealing with this is going to be so boring so you'll love
26:41it then won't you i probably will yeah i'm sorry your friends aren't moving in anymore no it's fine
26:47now we've got to know them i've realized they're horrible and i don't like them at all
26:52no good what a happy ending there oh oh oh no oh robin what's happened oh what's happened well
27:01whiplash isn't it yes too much headbanging the thick tip from the old death metal
27:06so you got into it then well musically it was a bit like r2 duty being run through a wood chipper but
27:11the people were lovely okay but hang on can you can you still jump probably shouldn't no so yeah sorry
27:17pal i think you're on your own mate yeah i wasn't going to do it anyway to be honest really i'm not
27:22a bungee jumper rach who am i trying to kid i'm a 46 year old man who enjoys watching only connect with
27:28a bottle of marston's pedigree and if the jamies think i'm boring well let them yeah let them yeah
27:35wait so no one's doing it we bought two jumps don't look at me no no no no no ladies come on
27:44come on what what do you mean it'll be fun fun no no way look at me i'm knackered that'll finish me
27:53or maybe help you bounce back yeah she's weakening yeah she's weakening here we go oh good luck
28:02thanks dad oh god i can't look i can't look up why did i represent this i don't know this is your
28:18fault if we die it's your fault all right okay here we go i can't say anything walk here girls three
28:25two one are you aware are you all weird oh my god you're all right amy
28:35oh my god yeah it's actually quite boring isn't it it's really boring yeah
28:49great great we fought against him
29:01oh
29:03The twist is fire, it starts the deed
29:07Hold your pride too tight
29:12We have shown up your power
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