Alien News Desk Episode 1 | Ungrateful Wads of Protein | Full Episode - video Dailymotion

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🛸 Earth is under alien observation — and the news isn't flattering!   From the creators of *Saturday Night Live* comes **Alien News Desk**, a bold and hilarious animated satire.  📡 **Episode 1 – “Ungrateful Wads of Protein”**:   Zybar and Drexx, two alien news anchors, report on the chaos of Earth’s human behavior, culture, politics, and more... all with otherworldly sarcasm.  🎙️ Featuring voice talents from *SNL*, this show delivers animated news like you’ve never seen before – sharp, weird, and laugh-out-loud funny.  ⚠️ This animated series contains mature humor. Viewer discretion is advised.  🎬 Full Episode | Animated Comedy | Satirical News | SNL Animation | Adult Cartoon #AlienNewsDesk #SNLAnimated #AdultAnimation #UngratefulWadsOfProtein   #FullEpisode #ComedyCartoon #Satire #EarthFromAliens #CartoonNews   #LateNightAnimation #SciFiComedy #AnimatedNews #CartoonLTV #ZybarAndDrexx   #ComedyCentralStyle

Transcript

00:00tonight incoming stories from planet earth in uncertain times more Americans are hiding their

00:15valuables in the body cavities of dead birds now that the earth has eaten a few houses

00:20scientists are worried it's developed a taste for human architecture the celebrity nip slip

00:26accidental exposure of a milk duct on a famous mammary gland yet if this is so embarrassing why

00:31did human actor Hugh Jackman do it twice I'm Jack Strudlow the truth has its tongue down my ear

00:39I'm Tuva Van Boyd I'm programmed with next-generation deception technology but I promise never to use

00:46it wink live from galactic syndicate studio ship integritas equipped with the hypercosmo video

00:54comulator 9000 constantly receiving a totally random assortment of footage from across the

00:59universe it's the only trustworthy source for news on the strangest aliens in the galaxy the humans of

01:05planet earth this is alien news desk greetings galactic news hounds and welcome to our inaugural

01:14broadcast above the semi-functional rock known as earth from here we can closely monitor the

01:19universe's most mystifying sentient species humans from their bizarre customs to their bewildering culture

01:27to the confounding tentacle scratching dung heap they call politics it won't be easy but I'm a journaloid

01:35I say let's rip the lid off these perplexing pseudo intelligent mostly shaved apes let's start

01:42with the basics what you ask is a human a human is a carbon-based mammalian tetrapod that grows to

01:49a maximum height of 7.8 core knots and a maximum weight which could not be established at press time it's

01:57improbably high let's just say that humans maintain tribal alliances and antagonisms that are complex and

02:04little understood complex also describes their flavor with a medium firm flesh oily and rich when stewed

02:11but it's musky qualities tracks are you giving out cooking tips did you eat a human a human no tuva

02:18I ate several hundred humans prepared in a variety of ways that is not our assignment I beg your pardon

02:24we were supposed to hover near earth and sample a wide variety of humanity and I did I had the french

02:31fried mongolians barbecued and some swede's meatballs drex we are supposed to learn from the

02:38humans well that's ridiculous I know come on what are we supposed to learn from these space monkeys

02:44how to get sick of masturbating no no I know because from my brief observation seems like 80 percent of

02:50their lives is spent in joyless masturbation drex if you don't want this job you didn't have to take it

02:56no I literally did I'm extremely difficult to work with and have pretty much run myself out of the

03:01business with my explosive temper oh I'm sorry drex that's a tough spot to be in hey what's that

03:07supposed to mean you mechanical fuck face you think you're better than me okay and my sensors are

03:13indicating we've fulfilled our banter requirement let's move on to tonight's superior stories they

03:19are delicious though I'm afraid I've acquired a taste just read the next thing for our new viewers

03:26let me address the giant Ella flark in the room why are we so focused on this earth after all this

03:32galaxy has thousands of inhabited planets so why does this one backwater outpost have our thought

03:38glands sopping wet with curiosity the answer it's dominant species humans who are on track to set a new

03:46record for fastest self-destruction by a sentient race which means earth will soon be on the market

03:53but is it a good investment we'll take you inside this would-be conqueror's paradise in our segment

03:59invade it or avoid it

04:01earth is a quaint spheroid style planet located in the rapidly gentrifying milky way district whether

04:16you like it hot cold or devoid of any notable characteristics whatsoever earth has plenty

04:23of variety thanks to frequent rotations and plenty of natural sunlight this planet doesn't look a day over

04:29four point five billion full disclosure earth once had a bit of a pest problem but after some

04:35routine fumigation it's been looking pretty clear for the past 65 million years except for this one

04:41lake in Scotland for eons earth was sadly stuck in grayscale but late in the last century humans

04:48finally transitioned to dazzling color we believe this was achieved when multi chromatic pellets were

04:54distributed giving all humans the ability to experience the rainbow's taste in recent times

05:00humans have taken it upon themselves to renovate they've been freshening up the air making their

05:05rainforest more open concept and even sprucing up the place with a sleek black paint job a decent

05:12attempt at a last-minute flip but will it be enough what do you say Drax invade it or avoid it

05:17Tuva I think earth is a perfect starter planet for all your sub-celestial occupation needs I say invade

05:26it agreed this planet is only going to skyrocket in value which means investing in earth will have

05:33your zelurian flesh coins screaming in thanks I also say invade it we're both agreed happy pillaging

05:41everyone next time on invaded or avoid it this thick gassy freak later in our broadcast we'll check

05:51in with Hollywood star Dwayne Johnson on his latest career move becoming uglier salt production is on the

05:58rise thanks to the human tear induction therapy known as this is us in other news humans apparently

06:05think we look like shit more on that as it develops in earth sector Hollywood some hundred and fifty

06:13lucky humans were selected for a coveted arrogance enhancement totem it was a glitzy ceremony attended

06:20by some of the most arrogant beings in the galaxy the totems have different names but they all boil down to

06:26most in need of self-esteem supplicants arrived in resplendent clothing we presume to hide their

06:33fundamental lack of character the fiendish spectacle began with a gathering on a blood-red drop cloth

06:39participants were asked who are you wearing indicating that they had murdered their compatriots

06:44and donned their hides they then shamelessly named their innocent victims who are you wearing this evening

06:51Vivian Westwood later the audience cheered as the chosen received their totems and were instantly

06:57transformed into shrieking narcissists they spoke at length on topics of dubious interest inside a

07:04literal echo chamber flattering their like-minded audience who unanimously agreed that the work they

07:10do is quote more important now than ever the totem itself is shaped like an arrogant nude who seems to

07:17have as the humans say big dick energy despite being notably dickless it's made of a material that reacts

07:24with the human brain to increase feelings of self-importance the totem often goes to those who subject

07:31themselves to extreme weight fluctuation and common ugliness abetted by makeup simulating a lack of makeup

07:38but just as often it goes to the holocaust movie later on alien news desk we'll show you how to harvest

07:46crystal methamphetamine from your automobile's viewing glass

07:54for more it's time for this week's innovation report

08:07for years vain humans have injected botox poison into their skin to improve their complexion this

08:13monumental achievement has now inspired a similar procedure for the earth's skin the ground it's called

08:19fracking in fracking a massive syringe is used to inject poison into the earth in order to bring

08:25precious oils to the surface and just as botox yield smooth paralyzed muscles and tissue necrosis

08:31fracking promotes regenerative earthquakes and stimulating tap water fires due to its innovative

08:37method of destroying the land beneath towns if you hear your windows shattering that means it's working

08:44like botox fracking smooths out the surface of the land by removing signs of aging such as family farms

08:51and post-industrial waterfronts this solves a nagging problem for usa its cities are rarely bombed so its

08:58citizens don't get the satisfaction of rebuilding civilization from scratch fracking provides rubble

09:04clearing and grave digging opportunities normally enjoyed by non-americans like puerto ricans congratulations

09:11earth thanks to fracking you look 4.5 billion years young in other news new aggression in the ongoing war

09:22against the sky and in a hilarious switcheroo a fish is extracted from water and placed on land

09:31holly ho governor pip pip cheerio sport of tea isn't it these are the inane utterings of a brainwashed

09:39people brainwashed by a coterie of sorcerers known as the royal family a new study claims that these

09:46sorcerers have tricked their country known as ook into an annual allowance of 500 million pounds

09:52their current leader is this wretched warlock queen elizabeth ii seen here with her legion of hellhounds

10:00she is believed to be somewhere between 90 and 90 thousand years old the secret to her longevity

10:07she appears to have split her soul into thousands of pieces and deposited them in wallets throughout

10:12the commonwealth rendering her unkillable for centuries the people of ook have lived under the pale

10:18mottled thumb of queen ai ai and her inbred progenitors they use their fearsome talismans to conquer the

10:25world colonizing entire peoples and forcing them to play games for their amusement such as incorrect football

10:32and wrong golf but they soon found themselves helpless to stem the tide of democracy if they

10:38were to maintain power a new plan would be needed so the royal family retreated to their giant palace

10:44to think of ways to be relatable and relevant and at last they found a way to give back to the community

10:51they started an outreach program finding humans with highly malignant brain tumors and offering them

10:56employment as palace guards but is this enough to justify the massive public expense recent polls

11:03have shown disapproval of the royal family to be at an all-time high but much like a cancerous

11:09growth upon the skull of a mutated sentinel this family can never truly be removed move over video

11:17games more earth children are spending their leisure time sewing clothes all day long

11:22and it's music festival season again where humans gather for remedial clapping practice

11:29how do humans survive in a city encased in noxious mist easy by paying exorbitant prices

11:37we turn now to our semi-irregular look at the feeble graspings of younger human minds

11:42it's time for another edition of eye on education

11:46in forced silence mandatory quad sitting compulsory merrymaking these are hallmarks of the four-year

11:55prisons known as universities children as young as 18 are stripped from their parents and locked

12:02into camps where they spend their days attending brainwashing seminars and nights receiving beer

12:07torture this begs the question is there no alternative to this form of penance thankfully just as children

12:14on planet blarks can choose death over the minds there is another option for earth learners universities

12:20designated as online rather than travel thousands of miles humans can complete their university

12:27sentence at home in a highly desired educational uniform called the pajama to simulate the effects of

12:34in-person torture online students can complete their forced labor beneath a thick fog of feline dander

12:40to qualify students must be a single mother or be capable of producing a feel-good story about

12:46overcoming the odds at all costs once entry has been acquired they can take their exams online from

12:52the outside it appears to be a perfect system of digital torture but according to research this comes

12:58at a price firstly humans who attend school online are not able to undergo a crucial networking ritual

13:05known as fraternity hazing in addition they do not gain the 15 pounds of fresh man's fat necessary to

13:13store their memories in nor can they use that fat to seduce and then fornicate with their professors for

13:20extra credit yes online universities are no match for real college where you mortgage your future to live

13:27in some crumbling gothic atrocity in western massachusetts and soak it in your barf well sign me up

13:34after this commercial stasis more earthlings are carrying around cardboard boxes full of raw

13:40vegetation and eating them alone in tiny ceilingless rooms we'll explain why this is considered healthy

13:46and not evidence of mental illness

13:54welcome back according to our calculations humans recently completed construction on the 44

14:00thousandth iteration of an unusual building known as an airport at buildings like these record numbers

14:06of humans are queuing up for hours to be barked at by gunmen while their stuff is rifled through some

14:13are stripped and subjected to humiliating body cavity searches while the lucky ones are merely pummeled with

14:19radiation as images of their naked bodies are evaluated by suspicious guards and why do they endure all this

14:27to purchase cigarettes humans simply love smoking in which deadly fumes are funneled into the lungs

14:34through a flaming tube all for the smooth toasted flavor of turkish and domestic tobacco truly cigarettes

14:41are alive with pleasure but officials attempting to deter smoking carefully regulate the number of people

14:47permitted to buy cigarettes in gargantuan quantities insult labels help break down smokers psychologically to

14:54prepare them for the next step of their demeaning cigarette buying journey they are crowded into tubes and

15:00taunted by strangers in colorful uniforms who show them blinking images of cigarettes but warn they cannot

15:06have them or they'll be shackled in prison bizarre videos are shown in which dancing theater majors forbid them

15:13from smoking while instructing them on how to restrain themselves threatening censors loom everywhere and rumors

15:20are spread of government assassins disguised as regular people ready to shoot and kill rule breakers

15:27we've concluded these flying machines are actually powered by the sheer teeth grinding frustration of

15:32many addicts at once if the energy runs low the addiction is stoked with subpar katherine heigl movies

15:40after their tense journey the smokers are deposited in another nearly identical cigarette shop but their

15:46belongings are routed nearly a mile away from them it's confusing as hell this all costs taxpayers billions

15:52a year a profligate scheme complete with earmarks for seemingly corrupt businesses such as auntie ann's

16:00which despite operating hundreds of locations appear to have never sold a single pretzel nor closed a

16:07single shop as far as i can tell these dystopian cigarette selling compounds serve no other purpose

16:13except as a sanctuary for morning drinkers now this is gonna sound harsh but i have to say it

16:20i think that morning drinkers are worse than terrorists you've never been invited to a brunch

16:25and that's why oh don't say that i get invited to brunches all the time and you know it no let me go

16:31i'll show you my desk i have a drawer just for all the invitations go check out my drawer all right

16:37don't good uh don't go in there now in other news we'll take you inside the fascinating cult devoted to

16:45swallowing bugs land ho horny bows can't stay away from these king-sized navigational penises

16:55in agricultural news we take you now to footage of this year's harvest of clown noses

17:00but could it be the last demand is at a historic low for the proto cyborgs known as clowns

17:06we assume these freakish creatures are assembled from earth's crops which are then crossbred with

17:12the corpses of various oafs and buffoons designed to make children afraid of the outside world clowns

17:18have been largely rendered obsolete by technologies that bring earth's horrors directly to children

17:24free of charge now clowns have little use to most humans except for lusty italians who pulp and juice

17:31their noses for their tabletop circulatory systems we'll see how much longer old-fashioned clown crafting

17:37can hang on a grease-based poultry dish native to southern usa and the b-robed sorcerer who commands

17:45a vast legion of earth's faithful what do these two things have in common nothing but try telling the

17:51humans that they have constructed a vast network of facilities dedicated to the consumption of a greasy

17:57fried bird and total compliance with the pope of vatican city don't believe me here's the proof

18:04pope yes pope yes pope yes pope yes pope yes listen the humans can agree with that elderly witch

18:12doctor all they want but can they please separate their weird dietary customs from drex it's not pope

18:18yes it most certainly is it's popeyes it's not a house of worship that serves food no it's a poultry

18:26restaurant named for an imaginary sailor man well is this fictional seafaring functionary a practicing

18:33catholic uh his religious beliefs are never stated in the literature is he known for a love of consuming

18:39chicken boiled in oil no he consumes mainly spinach which this restaurant must feature for purchase it does not

18:48oh i get it this is like the nine eyes fried gracklon chain exactly a restaurant named for a sailor who

18:56has nothing to do with the product oh okay never mind still need an apostrophe though popeyes i'm from

19:03outer damn space and i know that we'll be back after these messages you know if you don't have that

19:09apostrophe in there it reads as pope yes yeah but you added a space in the actual word that uh uh no

19:17for a limited time the nine eyes fried tentacle platter comes with a free volume of liquid coolant

19:22and an extruded plastic amusement for your yarn get a crispy bucket of these creatures before it becomes

19:28illegally cracklons just because they're college educated

19:39in earth sporting news a bunch of gullible humans paid good currency to watch fake centaur races

19:51i mean come on look at that you're not even trying you two hey top guy i can see your legs

19:57but at least the victims of this bizarre fake centaur scam got to see something in exchange for their

20:02currency not so for the poor humans in earth settlement las vegas who come from great distances

20:09to throw their currency directly into the waste incinerator vacationers continue to flock to earth

20:15settlement las vegas a glass and concrete hive of facilities called casinos where humans pay a

20:22relentless series of fines if they're unable to predict simple chaos theory or memorize the sequence of 52

20:29small quadrilaterals these casinos are designed for maximum sensory discomfort so all the poor

20:34humans handing over their wealth must suffer from the humans who pay large sum fines according to the

20:40brutal whims of a random number generator to the poor souls who must numbly feed a toll collection box

20:46one coin at a time yes earth settlement las vegas is more evidence of the incandescently creative

20:54cruelty of the human species incandescent fun word to say incandescent incandescent it is fun

21:04okay that's enough that's it for now here's a look at several news fetuses still gestating

21:11human chefs have discovered a new way to marinate waterfowl and let me tell you it looks petroly yummy

21:18and this is human actress ashley olsen but who is this maniac fan who got extensive surgery to look

21:26exactly like her thousands panic as earth ejaculates all over itself i'm tuva van voyd and i'm drex

21:36rudlar this broadcast has been terminated

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Alien News Desk Episode 1 | Ungrateful Wads of Protein | Full Episode

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