- 2 days ago
After missing out on a long-awaited mass suicide, an obnoxious cult member teams up with his former leader to gain a new following.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:12Why do you think you're ready to transcend?
00:00:16Why?
00:00:19Because I've listened to every word you've said I've
00:00:22Studied the scripts that you have wrote. I've listened to every speech I've
00:00:26I've catalogued every moment. I don't think there's a way that I'm not ready to transcend
00:00:35I
00:00:36Hunger for the next room
00:00:41Can't wait I mean because it sounds fucking sick honestly
00:00:47This tree that we're on is burning
00:00:50That's telling us to get off. It's too hot
00:00:54It's full of pain
00:00:56In my heart. I know that we're meant to be
00:01:00So much more
00:01:02I had a family before and I left them to come with you
00:01:06Because of your teachings I convinced the chinese lady with dementia. I was her son
00:01:12I don't even know how it happened, but just kind of channeling you
00:01:16I was like I and I got like thirteen thousand dollars out of her before she realized
00:01:20I didn't actually know how to speak mandarin. I was just kind of doing the sounds
00:01:25Any final thoughts?
00:01:28Just
00:01:30Thank you
00:01:32I feel too lucky to have met this family
00:01:36Me and you
00:01:39Fucking
00:01:39Getting slurped up
00:01:42God's watching
00:01:44Buddha will probably be there
00:01:46Let's all try to get along
00:01:48Marilyn Monroe
00:01:49Marilyn Monroe
00:01:50Oh, you're getting her from the back
00:01:53You know what I'm saying?
00:01:54Even if there's one person that we may not like
00:01:57Maybe Marlon Brando you ever see him when he was young?
00:02:00Piece of
00:02:01Piece of ass and in heaven being gay is not bad. It's actually cool
00:02:06Let's welcome him into our fold
00:02:09I can't wait to spend forever with you dog
00:02:13It's gonna be awesome
00:02:15Me and you forever
00:02:18Forever
00:02:25Worms
00:02:29That's all we are
00:02:32Wasting our days writhing in the mud
00:02:36Bound to vessels that suffocate our potential
00:02:42But for this family
00:02:43For those who know the truth
00:02:46Today
00:02:47We reject our earthly bondage
00:02:51And embrace our rightful destiny
00:02:55Today
00:02:56We grow legs
00:02:59Sprout wings
00:03:01And open eyes that see for the first time
00:03:07Today
00:03:09We return to Jalanzana
00:03:12To Jalanzana
00:03:18Hey
00:03:19Dude, check it out
00:03:21What?
00:03:22Look down dude, look
00:03:28Fuck you
00:03:29You're disgusting
00:03:30Do we have a rag I could wipe this with or honestly a whole new cup would be a lot better actually
00:03:42No
00:03:56Just drink it
00:03:57But Kathleen just rubbed her whole mouth on it right before me
00:04:00So what?
00:04:01So what?
00:04:02So I'm clean as a whistle
00:04:03I'm not trying to get herpes all over my thinking balls because you rubbed your dirty ass lips all over the fucking thing
00:04:06Chip
00:04:08Fine
00:04:09All right, that's it we're done
00:04:19What?
00:04:20Come on, it was just a practice run who cares?
00:04:22Punishment barn
00:04:23I've been in the punishment barn all month
00:04:27Fuck you Kathleen
00:04:30Fucking bitch
00:04:31Shut your mouth
00:04:53Shut your mouth
00:04:54Stupid raccoons ain't on my kettle corns and on the go desserts
00:05:19What's up?
00:05:23How we doing? What's up Gabe?
00:05:24Good morning
00:05:26Good morning
00:05:29Fuck you dude, I'm shouting fucking around
00:05:31Should I get some coffee or what dude?
00:05:32Morning family
00:05:33Good morning
00:05:39Thank you
00:05:41William
00:05:41Hello, good morning Will
00:05:43I was just wondering and you know how I hate bringing stuff up over and over again
00:05:47So I'm hoping we can just settle this right now
00:05:50I'm just wondering if I could have a gun
00:05:52Or a long sword
00:05:54Like longer than what I got now because the setup now dude is not snagging these raccoons
00:05:59And they are running buck wild on my various oats and approved crackers
00:06:04What's the question?
00:06:04May I have a gun?
00:06:06No
00:06:07Okay agenda B
00:06:09Is it possible to get the generator in the mix?
00:06:11Because it might not feel like it indoors but when you're sleeping outside it gets pretty cold at night
00:06:16And I would love to just plug in the space heater
00:06:18Are we hearing this?
00:06:20Somebody seems to forget
00:06:22After tonight he's gonna be kept plenty warm by the celestial bosom
00:06:25I know I'm sorry I'm fucking stupid it's gonna be awesome the bosom and I'm jacked for that shit so
00:06:34Rescinded request rescinded
00:06:36Uh everybody gather around
00:06:39So today is obviously a joyous day
00:06:43And we have so much to do
00:06:47But it is Tuesday
00:06:48So you know what that means
00:06:52It's Ice Cream Tuesday
00:06:56I thought that it couldn't possibly be Ice Cream Tuesday
00:06:58But it is Ice Cream Tuesday
00:07:00Yeah
00:07:01Yeah and I'm gonna win
00:07:03All right
00:07:20All right well Elizabeth and I are gonna get ready to go to town and when we get back
00:07:25I'm trusting all of you to have everything ready for our special night
00:07:28M'kay?
00:07:29M'kay
00:07:30M'kay
00:07:50Fuck
00:07:50Fuck
00:07:57Right
00:08:16Guys
00:08:17Guys
00:08:20What a meal.
00:08:23Oh, Gabriel and Jefferson, that's got to be in your top 10 stews.
00:08:29And the little birdie told me there might be a cake.
00:08:33Yeah, but I mean, the stew was so rich and good.
00:08:37I mean, cake on top of that, a little over the top, right?
00:08:40No, I don't think so.
00:08:42Well, time for cake.
00:08:43Yeah, no, I know.
00:08:44But I'm just saying, like, you know, we got the whole, we're transcending,
00:08:47and we got the whole ceremony.
00:08:49Who wants to be, like, bloated for that?
00:08:51Jefferson, would you mind going to get the cake?
00:08:54It would be my honor.
00:08:57Yeah, he should, he should get the cake, that's right.
00:09:01Only thing better than a stew and a cola is a stew and a cola and some cake.
00:09:05That's so true.
00:09:08You just, yeah, that's good.
00:09:19Huh.
00:09:20Well, personally, I would have made the cake a little bigger myself, but it is a beautiful
00:09:29message, guys.
00:09:30Whee!
00:09:31Right?
00:09:32We're on a rollercoaster.
00:09:34This life of ours, huh?
00:09:37Chip, did you eat the cake?
00:09:39For the last time, no!
00:09:41Outside.
00:09:42Now.
00:09:47I wasn't even that much of a fuck I'd tell a little bit.
00:09:52I wasn't even that much.
00:09:53I wasn't even that much.
00:09:54I wasn't even that much.
00:09:55I wasn't even that much.
00:09:56I wasn't even that much.
00:09:57Clearly punishments don't work.
00:09:59So, instead of punishing you, I'm going to empower you.
00:10:03I had a task I had planned to entrust to Jefferson, but obviously, now he has to bake a new cake.
00:10:10Yeah, whatever it is, I'll do it.
00:10:12I just need you to mail an envelope.
00:10:14Are we sending a bomb to City Hall?
00:10:16No, it's our tape.
00:10:18That we're sending to Newsline, to Georgian Jennings, to show the world what we've done here.
00:10:22Yes, that's a beautiful plan, and I will execute it to perfection for you.
00:10:25It's already stamped and addressed.
00:10:27All you have to do is put it in the mailbox outside the snack and go.
00:10:31Can I get a Mr. Slush?
00:10:33Once the envelope is in the mailbox, you may get a Mr. Slush.
00:10:36Yes!
00:10:37Thank you, William.
00:10:38Thank you so much.
00:10:39I'll hold my squad this opportunity.
00:10:45I love crackers.
00:10:47It would have been nice.
00:11:00Would you guys like to join me in the basement?
00:11:02I'd love to run something by you.
00:11:09Fuck!
00:11:10God damn it.
00:11:15Guys, bad news.
00:11:17Somebody tried to jump me.
00:11:18I fought him off, obviously, but he did pour his slush all over the envelope.
00:11:23We are gonna need a new one.
00:11:24We are gonna need a new one.
00:11:25Hello?
00:11:29What the fuck is everybody?
00:11:30What the fuck is everybody?
00:11:35What the fuck?
00:11:36What the fuck?
00:11:37What the fuck?
00:11:38What the fuck?
00:11:39What the fuck is everybody?
00:11:41What the fuck?
00:11:42What the fuck is everybody?
00:11:43What the fuck is everybody?
00:11:44What the fuck is everybody?
00:11:45I'm gonna need a new one.
00:11:51We run a little and wear it.
00:12:53Hey!
00:12:55How are you?
00:12:56My son's home.
00:12:57Look at you.
00:12:58Well, snap.
00:12:59What the hell happened to you?
00:13:00Stop eating off!
00:13:01It's time to go to work!
00:13:02You want me all backed up in the workplace, dumbass?
00:13:03You need to learn to come faster!
00:13:04All due respect, Ma, how about a fucking pancake every once in a while?
00:13:05Pancakes didn't get your father, brother, and me losing over three years ago.
00:13:06You need to learn to come faster!
00:13:10All due respect, Ma, how about a fucking pancake every once in a while?
00:13:11Pancakes didn't get your father, brother, and me losing over 300 pounds combined.
00:13:15Doesn't that motivate you?
00:13:16Make you want to make that number 600, maybe 700?
00:13:18700?
00:13:19How fucking fat do you think I am?
00:13:20How am I supposed to perform at work if I'm operating a caloric deficit all day?
00:13:21Ha!
00:13:22You mean clock in and play Minesweep for a while?
00:13:23You need to learn to come faster!
00:13:28All due respect, Ma, how about a fucking pancake every once in a while?
00:13:32Pancakes didn't get your father, brother, and me losing over 300 pounds combined.
00:13:37Doesn't that motivate you?
00:13:38Make you want to make that number 600, maybe 700?
00:13:41700?
00:13:42How fucking fat do you think I am?
00:13:46How am I supposed to perform at work if I'm operating a caloric deficit all day?
00:13:49Ha!
00:13:50You mean clock in and play Minesweep for eight hours?
00:13:51Is that what you're talking about?
00:13:52Work?
00:13:53Take a look around you, Chip.
00:13:54Look at this beautiful home with the clothes on your back.
00:13:57The certified pre-owned Ford Taurus in the driveway?
00:14:00You think your father could have given us all that if he'd been playing computer all day?
00:14:04The answer's no.
00:14:06It took determination and the ability to sell the shit out of some gravel.
00:14:10Ha!
00:14:11Your brother gets it.
00:14:12It's more than just piles of rocks.
00:14:14Chip, I'm sick of the excuses, kid.
00:14:17You either make a sale today or you start looking elsewhere for work.
00:14:20Elsewhere for work?
00:14:21How?
00:14:22I have no other skills.
00:14:23Well, maybe you shouldn't have spent five years being a sumo wrestler in China.
00:14:26For the last time, Mom, I was trained to be a karate champion in Tokyo.
00:14:29But the day before the big championship, my sensei betrayed me and stole my beautiful girlfriend, Akiko.
00:14:34I was too heartbroken to fight.
00:14:35And that's why I lost.
00:14:36Doesn't anybody fucking listen to me in this house?
00:14:38Enough!
00:14:39Make a sale today or you're fired.
00:14:45Hi, this is Chip Harper from Harper & Son Gravel.
00:14:50Now, it's your lucky day because we have some incredible new deals on some fresh hot rocks.
00:14:57Well, I don't know, would you consider sharing information with a friend a threat?
00:15:04So you're saying you've never had us out there for gravel maintenance?
00:15:07Your driveway must look like fucking shit.
00:15:10You know, people are talking.
00:15:11They're saying, if that's what the outside looks like, imagine how fucked up it is inside.
00:15:16Yeah.
00:15:17Your driveway's so fucked up, an officer of the law believes you got junkies in there shooting
00:15:21up, sucking and fucking all over your carpets.
00:15:24I need you to go into your mommy's purse, take out her credit card, and then just really
00:15:29slowly read me every num-
00:15:33It's five o'clock, idiot.
00:15:35You're fired.
00:15:36You're fired!
00:15:37What the fuck?
00:15:38I was gonna close that!
00:15:40Saboteur!
00:15:41Serpent!
00:15:42Fired!
00:15:43I'm gonna fucking kill you, Cody.
00:15:46The disgraced zoologist was eventually cleared of any inappropriate conduct with the chimpanzee.
00:15:51For Newsline, I'm George Ann Jennings.
00:15:54What the fuck even is this little round rice?
00:15:57It's called quinoa, and it is an ancient grain from the jungles of Peru.
00:16:02The people who grew it have never even seen civilization before.
00:16:05Our top story tonight, a grizzly discovery in an upstate cabin as the decomposed remains
00:16:10of five individuals have been found, the result of an apparent mass suicide.
00:16:15A group of local teens made the gruesome discovery after breaking into the abandoned cabin, possibly
00:16:22to explore one another's bodies.
00:16:25Authorities speculate that this was a doomsday cult and have released this photo found at the scene.
00:16:31Police asked for any information regarding the red-haired man in the center.
00:16:36Police are also searching for a potential seventh member of the cult
00:16:40as a mysterious obese hand can be seen at the very edge of the photo.
00:16:46Look at these bozos. We're a bunch of dopes.
00:16:50That's probably for the best.
00:16:52If I dressed like that, I'd kill myself too.
00:16:55That guy in the middle needs to cut that hair.
00:16:58Pumpkin-headed bitch.
00:17:00I bet they're all banging each other.
00:17:02I'm sure nobody else wants to.
00:17:05You know what? Five less freaks walking around if you ask me.
00:17:09What do you think, Chip?
00:17:13Chip.
00:17:14William, you fucking piece of shit!
00:17:22I'm coming to get you, motherfucker!
00:17:30Have you seen this guy?
00:17:32Nothing.
00:17:33Have you seen this person?
00:17:34Don't look at me like that.
00:17:36Shit.
00:17:37Ow! God!
00:17:38Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were this guy that ruined my life.
00:17:41Yeah, well, obviously I'm not. Jesus!
00:17:43Okay, relax. You're really milking this lady.
00:17:46Hey, where'd you get that?
00:17:47None of your business, you shit ass!
00:17:49God!
00:17:59Hey, hi there.
00:18:00Yeah, hi. Listen, you ever see this piece of shit?
00:18:02Yeah, I wish. I'd love to see a cartoon in real life.
00:18:08No, it's a real guy.
00:18:10You know, he looks like one of our old regulars.
00:18:12Yeah, bad guy. I don't think I can prove it.
00:18:16But I think he stole our birthday prize wheel.
00:18:20Yeah, I haven't seen him in months, though.
00:18:23Shit.
00:18:24You know what? I wouldn't be surprised if he was mixed up in that cult stuff in the news.
00:18:29But why do you ask? Are you a policeman?
00:18:31Yeah, I'm undercover.
00:18:34FBI.
00:18:35Listen, you happen to remember this freak's favorite flavor?
00:18:38Oh, sure, yeah. Strawberries. Yeah, I prefer vanilla myself, you know.
00:18:44Pal, listen, all due respect, I don't need your life story.
00:18:47I'm on an investigation, okay?
00:18:49So what I need you to do right now, get me two scoops of strawberry in a cone with sprinkles on the house.
00:18:55I gotta get in the mind of this freak.
00:18:57Can you help me scoop the ice cream?
00:19:00Can you scoop the ice cream?
00:19:18Oh, God damn it.
00:19:28What?
00:19:30Get the fuck out of here.
00:19:33Get the fuck out of here.
00:19:45It's so annoying!
00:19:46That won't for birthday prize!
00:19:47Oh, come on.
00:19:49Oh.
00:19:51Oh.
00:19:53Oh, come on.
00:19:55Oh, come on.
00:19:57Oh, you fucking asshole.
00:19:59You fucking asshole.
00:20:01I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you.
00:20:03Eat your fucking nose.
00:20:05How could you cut me out?
00:20:07I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Silly Billy.
00:20:09Well, you're Silly Billy, huh? Well, I was looking for my old pal, William.
00:20:11But I guess I'm gonna have to kill a fucking clown.
00:20:13It's me, William. Yes, it is.
00:20:15Why aren't you dead?
00:20:17And why aren't I dead either?
00:20:19I can talk. I just need you to get off me.
00:20:21I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.
00:20:23You were dead lying with the rest of them.
00:20:25The universe had another plan for me.
00:20:31Fuck this. I'm going to the cops.
00:20:41I did die, Chip.
00:20:45But I was sent back to get you.
00:20:47To get me? Why the fuck did you just take me with you in the first place?
00:20:51Believe me, I wanted to.
00:20:53But the others insisted we transcend without you.
00:20:55I was overruled.
00:20:56Bullshit.
00:20:57And I think, because they had so much hatred in their hearts for you,
00:21:01that they didn't return to Jalanzana at all.
00:21:03They went to Golgomorth.
00:21:05And because I had nothing but love in my heart for you, I was spared.
00:21:09No, fuck that.
00:21:11You're fucking lying.
00:21:13Didn't you see me there, dead?
00:21:15With your own eyes?
00:21:17Yeah.
00:21:27Why else would I be back from the dead?
00:21:29I'm not a magician.
00:21:31I don't know, maybe you had some, like, unfinished business or something?
00:21:34Right.
00:21:35Maybe you had to fix the biggest fuck up for your whole life.
00:21:39Exactly.
00:21:40You couldn't transcend without me.
00:21:42We need each other.
00:21:44That's right, we need each other.
00:21:46We have to start a new family.
00:21:49What's that?
00:21:50You said it yourself.
00:21:51The last one was full of snakes.
00:21:53They betrayed both of us.
00:21:54You weren't meant to die with them, and I wasn't meant to sell fucking gravel.
00:21:58They sent you back for me.
00:22:00We get another crack at this, dude.
00:22:01We're gonna do it right this time.
00:22:03With your knowledge and my power, we're unstoppable, right?
00:22:06That's what you're saying, right?
00:22:08More or less.
00:22:09And we're actually gonna transcend this time.
00:22:11Cause we'll both be leaders.
00:22:13Co-leaders.
00:22:15Oh.
00:22:17Or you could go to fucking jail.
00:22:31Why are you a clown, dude?
00:22:33Well, think about it.
00:22:37I've been living in the woods for a while.
00:22:40Eventually I ran out of food.
00:22:42I have to go out, so I figure nobody can tell who I am in this.
00:22:46So, I go out.
00:22:48I get work.
00:22:49I get money.
00:22:50I get food.
00:22:51I go back to the woods.
00:22:52Kind of an ideal situation given the circumstances.
00:22:56But now, the heat's probably off a little bit.
00:22:59I'm kinda looking forward to starting over.
00:23:02Dating.
00:23:03Who knows?
00:23:04Dating?
00:23:05Dude, they found the bodies yesterday.
00:23:08No, they didn't.
00:23:10They found the bodies months ago, because once Newsline got the tape, the police would've
00:23:14went to the house.
00:23:17Um...
00:23:19See, the thing about the tape actually is, due to circumstances that were not under my control,
00:23:25I wasn't able to mail the tape.
00:23:27You didn't mail the tape.
00:23:28So, where is it?
00:23:29Well...
00:23:30You think about me.
00:23:31You send me out on this important mission, and it gets fucked up.
00:23:36Not my fault.
00:23:37So, I'm running back to make sure everything goes according to your plan.
00:23:40And how am I rewarded?
00:23:42So, I'm pissed off.
00:23:43And I build a fire, and I take off all my stuff from the family.
00:23:46I take off my uniform.
00:23:47I throw that in there.
00:23:48My sandals.
00:23:49So, you burned the tape.
00:23:50Yeah.
00:23:51Yeah, I burned it.
00:23:52I burned it.
00:23:53I burned the tape.
00:23:54You saved my life.
00:23:55You know that?
00:23:56Really?
00:23:57Yeah.
00:23:58If they had that tape, I'd be in prison right now.
00:24:00Holy shit.
00:24:01This is really meant to be, isn't it?
00:24:02It is.
00:24:03Hey.
00:24:04I got something I gotta do, so I'll be right back in just a few hours, okay?
00:24:07No way, dude.
00:24:08From now on, we're going everywhere together.
00:24:09We're gonna be like that type of twin that's like two guys mashed into each other.
00:24:12We're sharing armpits and shit.
00:24:13Yeah.
00:24:14We're gonna be like that type of twin that's like two guys mashed into each other.
00:24:17We're sharing armpits and shit.
00:24:18That's gonna be us.
00:24:19I hear it's somebody's birthday!
00:24:20Well, kids, my name is Silly Billy, and this is my partner, Pancakes.
00:24:36But Pancakes is not allowed to speak because Pancakes is in training.
00:24:42So, how did you find these guys?
00:24:46Well, we had a Power Ranger boat, but apparently his house exploded.
00:24:52And the skinny one there, he's always giving me balloons in the park, so I felt bad for him.
00:24:57Pancakes fell off the horse.
00:24:59I have to give him CPR.
00:25:01I got a piss.
00:25:04All right.
00:25:05I need to touch the show.
00:25:06It's gonna happen.
00:25:08Well, actually, Pancakes needs to go inside right now, and we're going to go.
00:25:15I'm gonna go inside right now and do something else.
00:25:17So, he'll do that, and we'll see what we got in here.
00:25:22I need to get in shape.
00:25:23I guess I'll jump rope.
00:25:24Oh!
00:25:25Oh!
00:25:26Oh!
00:25:27Oh!
00:25:28Sorry about that!
00:25:29Oh!
00:25:30Oh, man.
00:25:31Mmm.
00:25:33What exactly are you up to down here, young man?
00:25:36Oh!
00:25:37Oh!
00:25:38Oh!
00:25:39It's blowing up, huh?
00:25:40Oh!
00:25:42What exactly are you up to down here, young man?
00:25:47Oh, let's blow one up, huh?
00:25:54Dude, I know. Homer fucking sucks, dude.
00:26:02I'm gonna wonder where Pancakes is.
00:26:04Where's Pancakes?
00:26:06Better hurry up and get back up here.
00:26:09And come back upstairs right now!
00:26:14Look at the hot dog!
00:26:16Now, dude, see, a lot of people think that.
00:26:18But the fighting is actually an easy part of karate.
00:26:21What's hard is the iron-low discipline.
00:26:24See, not a lot of people got the kind of discipline I do.
00:26:27But I think you got it in you, kid.
00:26:30Thanks, Pancakes.
00:26:32Faster!
00:26:33Take it easy, lady, I'm high.
00:26:35Your mind's so small!
00:26:37What's happening?
00:26:38This woman thinks I'm trying to fuck her son.
00:26:40I never said that.
00:26:41Good, because I wasn't.
00:26:43Okay, you perverts need to get the hell out.
00:26:45Now!
00:26:46We are so sorry, ma'am.
00:26:47We will just take our payment and be out of your hair.
00:26:49Payment?!
00:26:50This lunatic gave drugs to my son!
00:26:51Hey, he smoked me out!
00:26:53I can't!
00:26:54Are you mad at me?
00:26:57Yeah, I am.
00:26:58I guess we really needed that 80 bucks, huh?
00:27:01Are you mad at me?
00:27:03Yeah, I am.
00:27:05I guess we really needed that 80 bucks, huh?
00:27:09Yeah, we did. That was kind of the whole point.
00:27:11I guess we should probably just give up.
00:27:15Yeah, I think that's the play.
00:27:17Yeah, maybe it is.
00:27:19We're out.
00:27:21Maybe it fucking isn't, you fucking dummy!
00:27:23Look at this shit, huh?
00:27:25There's 200 bones in here!
00:27:27Serves that lady right,
00:27:29leaving her purse unattended in her own home.
00:27:31Hey, and that's not it.
00:27:33Huh? That's real gold.
00:27:35We came up like 600 bucks just now, William.
00:27:37Cheer up, you little fucker.
00:27:39Hey, if you're gonna do stuff like that, though,
00:27:41you gotta run it by me, okay?
00:27:43Okay, we're co-leaders now.
00:27:45You deserve... You know what?
00:27:47I should never go rogue ever again.
00:27:49Co-leaders always aligned.
00:27:51And from now on, I will run everything by you.
00:27:53Starting now.
00:27:55What do we do next?
00:27:57Co-leader?
00:27:59Okay, I have a place we can go,
00:28:01but we cannot show up like this.
00:28:03I could use a shower, too.
00:28:05Yeah, dude, uh, you're right about that.
00:28:07I don't wanna say anything, but you smell like an armpit
00:28:09took a shit in a lady's pussy.
00:28:11You smell stinky.
00:28:13I cannot wait to get some followers.
00:28:15I think we need like 10 or 15 to start.
00:28:19We can start with one,
00:28:21and we'll see how that goes.
00:28:23Okay.
00:28:25Whoa. That guy looks strong.
00:28:27Yeah, but he's not what we're looking for.
00:28:29Okay.
00:28:31Whoa. That guy looks strong.
00:28:33Yeah, but he's not what we're looking for.
00:28:35Okay.
00:28:37Oh, that guy looks strong and cool.
00:28:39Not our guy.
00:28:41Who exactly are we looking for here, man?
00:28:43Someone with a certain energy.
00:28:45That's our guy.
00:28:47Wow. Look at you go.
00:28:49Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
00:28:51Sorry about that.
00:28:53Oh, God.
00:28:55Oh, that guy looks strong and cool.
00:28:57Oh, that guy looks strong and cool.
00:28:59Not our guy.
00:29:01Who exactly are we looking for here, man?
00:29:03Someone with a certain energy.
00:29:05That's our guy.
00:29:09Wow. Look at you go.
00:29:11Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
00:29:13Sorry about that.
00:29:15Oh, gosh. The army sure is lucky to have you.
00:29:17Yeah, well,
00:29:19they actually decided to go in a different direction today.
00:29:21Oh, no.
00:29:23Why's that?
00:29:24They said I have something called celery bones,
00:29:26which is like where the bone is a horseshoe style,
00:29:30instead of round.
00:29:31So I can't do it.
00:29:32Somebody as strong as you?
00:29:34And you even have the outfit.
00:29:36They say dress for the job you want, right?
00:29:38They don't say how to dress when you don't get it.
00:29:40About how old are you?
00:29:42Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm Tyler.
00:29:44I'm 25. It's nice to meet you.
00:29:45Nice to meet you, too.
00:29:46Yeah.
00:29:47That's a great name, by the way.
00:29:48Tyler, I gotta tell you, if I was the army,
00:29:50I'd make you a five-star general.
00:29:52I appreciate that, sir, but you are not the real army,
00:29:56and they don't want me.
00:29:57Yeah, well, I do. I agree with William.
00:29:59I would make you like a eight-star general.
00:30:01He's William, by the way.
00:30:03I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.
00:30:04I'm Chip.
00:30:05Well, William and Chimp, it was nice to meet you guys.
00:30:08Chip.
00:30:09It was nice to meet you guys, but...
00:30:11I don't know.
00:30:12I just have to go figure out what I'm gonna do
00:30:13with the rest of my life, so...
00:30:15Adios, I guess.
00:30:16Maybe we could help you with that.
00:30:18Do you like bowling?
00:30:20Yes.
00:30:22I did.
00:30:31The balls are fucked here, dude.
00:30:33So you guys are like a family?
00:30:35We're not like a family.
00:30:37We are a family.
00:30:39Except we don't have the petty squabbles a family has
00:30:43because we've chosen one another.
00:30:45That's right.
00:30:46No asshole brothers barging on your privacy,
00:30:48Dad threatening to fire you.
00:30:50No Uncle Aaron stuffing you in a sleeping bag,
00:30:52not letting your ass out,
00:30:54swinging you around like a sack of wet meat,
00:30:57and you're like screaming like...
00:30:59Help me!
00:31:02Let me out!
00:31:04And yet he doesn't let you out,
00:31:06and you nearly sweat to death.
00:31:09Right. None of that shit, no.
00:31:12And we'll fuck your uncle up if you want.
00:31:14Oh, he was in chronic pain.
00:31:16He ended it.
00:31:17Oh, well.
00:31:18If he was alive, we'd fuck him up.
00:31:20Even if he was like old as shit,
00:31:22or in a wheelchair,
00:31:23or had one of those fucked up little hands.
00:31:25It's true.
00:31:26We would.
00:31:27Really?
00:31:28I appreciate that, guys.
00:31:29Gosh.
00:31:30Dude, you're gonna learn so much from us.
00:31:32It might be hard for you to imagine,
00:31:34but I wasn't always just good at leadership.
00:31:36William taught me.
00:31:37And together, we're both gonna teach you.
00:31:40That's right.
00:31:41Cool.
00:31:42We should hit the road,
00:31:43but maybe you wanna pick up a change of clothes?
00:31:45Perhaps anything else of value you might own?
00:31:48It's a beautiful thing.
00:31:49We share it all.
00:31:50I'm kinda in like a transitional phase right now,
00:31:53but I might have a couple things back in my place.
00:31:57I gotta say, I'm not really finding much here.
00:32:04Dude, speak for yourself.
00:32:06Look at this thing, huh?
00:32:07This will come in handy the next time
00:32:08we need to send a tape to the news, huh?
00:32:10Hey, Tyler, I had a question about this.
00:32:12Is this gold?
00:32:13Is this made of gold?
00:32:14Oh, chill, chill, chill.
00:32:15That's actually not mine to give away.
00:32:17Whose is it?
00:32:18I love you, Sheriff, by the way.
00:32:21No.
00:32:22No, no, no, no.
00:32:24Uh-oh.
00:32:25You said you were joining the army
00:32:27or going to Vietnam or whatever.
00:32:29You can't be in here with a bunch of homeless people.
00:32:32You play with my mind too much, baby.
00:32:34She's playing, guys.
00:32:35She's just kidding.
00:32:36William, Chip,
00:32:37this is my beautiful fiancee, Meredith.
00:32:39You can't call someone your fiancee
00:32:41if they say no.
00:32:44Hey, guys.
00:32:45My name is Bo.
00:32:46I hope I'm not intruding.
00:32:48Meredith and I just had a lovely steak dinner.
00:32:51However, despite the food being delicious,
00:32:54it could not even hold a candle to the conversation.
00:33:01Sounds awesome, man.
00:33:02I'm Tyler.
00:33:03Pleasure to meet you.
00:33:04Thank you for your service, sir.
00:33:05Meredith had a lovely night,
00:33:08but I think I'm going to go home.
00:33:09What?
00:33:10No.
00:33:11I'm not done with you yet.
00:33:13You're staying here tonight.
00:33:14Meredith, I think you should know I am leaving town
00:33:17to try and find myself.
00:33:19And God willing, if I come back,
00:33:21I pray I may become a better man.
00:33:24Perhaps the man of your dreams.
00:33:27Leave the keys.
00:33:28Come on.
00:33:34Jesus Christ, dude. Are you all right?
00:33:36I'm fine, dude. What are you talking about?
00:33:38I'm chilling with my new best friends.
00:33:40I'm having a good time.
00:33:42We should get going, though.
00:33:43It's about that time.
00:33:44Listen, we're about to go on an amazing journey, right?
00:33:47We're going to go see crazy stuff.
00:33:49Let me just give us one gift before we go.
00:33:52A gift of hospitality.
00:33:54Tonight, why don't we stay Casa Tyler style?
00:33:58Sleep over right here like we did when we were babies.
00:34:02Going crazy sounds awesome, but we do kind of need to get good.
00:34:06I'm not taking no for an answer, dude.
00:34:08We're staying here tonight, and we're going to have fun.
00:34:11And you're going to have some drinks out my fridge.
00:34:13We're going to play some games.
00:34:15We're going to have snacks.
00:34:17What kind of snacks?
00:34:18Dried fruit.
00:34:24You're really good at this game, dude.
00:34:26Thanks, man.
00:34:27Sight.
00:34:28I'm about to blast your little nuts.
00:34:35I've never played with someone else before.
00:34:36It was so much more fun.
00:34:38Here goes nothing.
00:34:40Oh, my God.
00:34:42Oh, yes.
00:34:44Here comes everything.
00:34:46Oh!
00:34:48You guys just remember, if anybody asks, we're here for the conference.
00:34:51Nobody ever asks.
00:34:52You know how many free hotel breakfast I've gotten in my fucking life?
00:35:01When you make a wish on a star, every dream in your heart might actually come true.
00:35:07What a joke.
00:35:08No, it's a song.
00:35:09It's from a movie about the wooden child.
00:35:12I can't remember the name right now.
00:35:14I can't remember the name of the movie, but he was a wooden boy, and he taught me so many things.
00:35:20He taught me that if you lie, guess what?
00:35:23Your nose will grow as long as a hot dog.
00:35:25Somebody ought to tell her that.
00:35:26She better watch her nose.
00:35:28Who, Judge Linda Booch?
00:35:29Yeah.
00:35:30Why?
00:35:31What'd she do?
00:35:32I was just trying to participate in the conference.
00:35:33No.
00:35:34You know?
00:35:35Yeah.
00:35:36And I asked her a really simple, straightforward question.
00:35:37Okay.
00:35:38And she refused to answer.
00:35:39Everybody embarrassed me.
00:35:41You see those women over there?
00:35:43They're in charge of this stupid event.
00:35:45They also screamed at me.
00:35:47What?
00:35:48And they made me leave the room.
00:35:49Well, that puts them on the naughty list.
00:35:51Yeah.
00:35:52I got a target on my back.
00:35:53I'm Tyler, by the way.
00:35:54It's nice to meet you.
00:35:55Hi.
00:35:56Hey.
00:35:57I'm Diane.
00:35:58Nice to meet you, Diane.
00:35:59Nice to meet you.
00:36:00Yeah.
00:36:01Why don't we tell Tyler about transcending?
00:36:02Because I said we'd do it now.
00:36:04Get him pumped off the rip.
00:36:05Not yet.
00:36:06It takes time.
00:36:07You have to build trust.
00:36:08All right.
00:36:09Well, can we tell him about the galactic palace of Namaham Bajar?
00:36:11No.
00:36:12The energy dolphin swimming through an ocean of cloud?
00:36:14Not yet.
00:36:15The seduction of Balnatham?
00:36:16The ceremony of endless beginnings?
00:36:18Why can't we tell him anything cool?
00:36:19Let me lay it out for you in a way you might understand.
00:36:22Would Colonel Sanders share his secret spice recipe with somebody he just met?
00:36:27Of course not.
00:36:28He's famously tight-lipped with regards to his chicken.
00:36:31And look how successful he is.
00:36:36Holy shit.
00:36:38Morning, ladies.
00:36:39You are all looking very lovely today for a bunch of snakes.
00:36:44Um, that's my friend right there.
00:36:46That's Diane.
00:36:47That's my new friend.
00:36:48And she was just telling me about your frankly disgusting conduct that you showed her this morning.
00:36:53Vile.
00:36:54You are all being vile to her.
00:36:56And that does not sit right with me, okay?
00:36:59So I'm asking you, I'm asking you as an American citizen to go apologize to her right now.
00:37:06No threat, not threatening you, but you must do it.
00:37:15Um, guys, this is Diane.
00:37:18And I feel like she might be exactly the kind of person we're looking for.
00:37:21Hi, guys.
00:37:22Hell yeah.
00:37:23Welcome, Diane.
00:37:24Um, well, hold on.
00:37:25The way you guys were talking, you said this group's all about community.
00:37:28It's all about helping kindred spirits or whatever.
00:37:30Yup.
00:37:31She's awesome.
00:37:32Right.
00:37:33It's just, you know, kind of a vetting process.
00:37:34And I'm sure you're a lovely person, but...
00:37:36Say no more.
00:37:37I totally get it.
00:37:38I don't want to be a burden on you.
00:37:40I've been a burden my whole life.
00:37:41Been pretty much a drain on everyone I've ever met.
00:37:43So, it's all good.
00:37:44It's all good.
00:37:45It was nice while it lasted.
00:37:46Bye, guys.
00:37:54Hold on.
00:37:55Um, you didn't let me finish.
00:37:57We were just about to leave, and we just realized that none of us know how to use a map.
00:38:03So, we could use someone to help us navigate, and we'd like you to join us.
00:38:08It's my idea.
00:38:09Oh.
00:38:10Hey, my goodness.
00:38:11Oh, good.
00:38:12Hell yeah.
00:38:13Awesome.
00:38:14She's awesome.
00:38:15I just have to do one thing really quick.
00:38:19Um, so, can I meet you in the parking lot in a couple minutes?
00:38:22Yeah.
00:38:23Yeah, for sure.
00:38:24Cool.
00:38:25Okay.
00:38:26I can't believe it.
00:38:28Diane!
00:38:29This is awesome.
00:38:30Yeah.
00:38:31Yeah.
00:38:32It's good.
00:38:33Cool.
00:38:35Dude, I saw what you were doing back there, but I'm actually awesome at maps.
00:38:39The thing you gotta do is follow the roads.
00:38:41That's a good trick.
00:38:42I know.
00:38:43I know.
00:38:44I hate you.
00:38:45You're gonna tell me who's a good mother, huh?
00:38:47You think you know everything about kids?
00:38:49Where did you get your frickin' law degree from the toilet university?
00:38:53Nothing, nothing, nothing!
00:38:56You don't know anything about kids!
00:38:59You think you're Barney?
00:39:00No, you're not even Mr. Rogers.
00:39:02You're just a dumb, old bitch!
00:39:04Let him down, look at me!
00:39:06Fuck you!
00:39:13So, uh, I was pretty fuckin' wild back there, huh?
00:39:20What was that about?
00:39:22I know.
00:39:23I'm really sorry.
00:39:24I guess I should explain.
00:39:26So that judge, that little bitch decided to ruin my life like out of nowhere?
00:39:32And she wouldn't even reconsider her insane ruling today.
00:39:35That's what I was doing there.
00:39:37Because of her, I'm not allowed to see my son anymore.
00:39:39What?
00:39:40Not really?
00:39:41And you know, I'm not even exactly sure why.
00:39:43I used to do this really fun thing with him where I would take him to abandoned houses,
00:39:47and I'd help him through the window, and he'd unlock the door for me,
00:39:51and then we would sneak in, and we would go exploring.
00:39:54He loved it.
00:39:55He really did.
00:39:56Wow.
00:39:57But then one day we went into this house that I really thought was abandoned
00:40:00because it looked like such shit, you know?
00:40:01It would be really, really bad, but it turns out that some guy was living in there.
00:40:05Oh.
00:40:06And they took him away for that?
00:40:08Basically.
00:40:09We set off some fireworks too, but I never would've done that
00:40:11if I knew that somebody was living in there, you know?
00:40:13Like, I'm not that kind of person anymore.
00:40:15I would never do that.
00:40:16Right.
00:40:17Plus, my ex, Sean's dad, made up some really bad shit about my work situation right now,
00:40:21and the judge took his side, even though I'm his mom.
00:40:24There's nothing like a mother's love.
00:40:26He needs you.
00:40:27I know that was a lot.
00:40:29So I understand if you guys want to pull over to the side of the highway and dump me off.
00:40:34No.
00:40:35You know what?
00:40:36I know it's hard, but I appreciate your understanding.
00:40:38We all do.
00:40:39No, I love the way you handled yourself back then.
00:40:44My family would never fight for me like that.
00:40:47I remember when I was a little kid.
00:40:49One time I was wrongfully accused of stealing six-backs of Reese's Pieces from the J&F market.
00:40:54My mom didn't take my side.
00:40:56She made me give back all her candy to the old ladies that saw me take it.
00:40:59I wish I had a mom that would destroy a Plymouth for me.
00:41:02Really?
00:41:03Me too.
00:41:04Yeah.
00:41:05Thanks, guys.
00:41:06You're really special.
00:41:09I guess my only thing is that you did assault that concierge that pulled you off of the judge's car.
00:41:17So I'm fairly certain that the police are looking for us.
00:41:22Okay, so they're probably looking for this car.
00:41:24We dump it and steal a new one.
00:41:26Easy.
00:41:27That's perfect.
00:41:28And we had Grand Theft Auto to the charges.
00:41:30Wait.
00:41:31I think I got it.
00:41:32I hate doing the ceiling.
00:41:33I mean, every painter knows.
00:41:34Like, doing a ceiling, painting the ceiling.
00:41:35Like, when it drips in your mouth and you get sick.
00:41:36Yeah.
00:41:37That's the worst.
00:41:38That's the worst.
00:41:39That's probably...
00:41:40That's gotta be my least favorite.
00:41:41I think every painter...
00:41:42If you're a painter, you know you hate doing the ceiling.
00:41:45Then you got that.
00:41:46You gotta take a week off and you're bedridden.
00:41:47Yeah.
00:41:48And then you're staring at the ceiling.
00:41:49You're looking at the ceiling.
00:41:50That made you sick.
00:41:51That's a great sort of irony.
00:41:52Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:41:53What the fuck are you guys doing?
00:41:54I don't know.
00:41:55I don't know.
00:41:56I don't know.
00:41:57I don't know.
00:41:58I don't know.
00:41:59I don't know.
00:42:00I don't know.
00:42:01I don't know.
00:42:02I don't know.
00:42:03I don't know.
00:42:04I don't know.
00:42:05I don't know.
00:42:06I don't know.
00:42:07I don't know.
00:42:08It's a sort of irony.
00:42:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:42:10What the fuck are you guys doing, huh?
00:42:11What are you doing?
00:42:12Oh, we were painting the garage.
00:42:13Yeah, no, shit, you're painting the garage.
00:42:14You're painting my garage.
00:42:15And I don't want my garage painted.
00:42:17Wait.
00:42:18Wait.
00:42:19When we were talking on the phone, you were, like,
00:42:22paint the garage.
00:42:23And you weren't as mad.
00:42:25No.
00:42:26What's the address?
00:42:27767...
00:42:28Maple Avenue.
00:42:29Yeah.
00:42:30It's yummy, like the syrup.
00:42:32It's yummy, that's how we remember it.
00:42:33That's how we remember it.
00:42:35This is Maple Lane, dickheads.
00:42:39Oh, fuck.
00:42:41Shit.
00:42:43Yeah, you fucked up big time.
00:42:45Am I sure? It's my fucking house.
00:42:47Get the fuck out of here. Go.
00:42:49Man, this has happened before.
00:42:51We're sorry about it.
00:42:53No, no, no. Put that down.
00:42:55You don't take your stuff.
00:42:57You get your stuff when you come back with white paint,
00:42:59and you paint my garage white the way it was.
00:43:01The way my beautiful wife designed it.
00:43:03Sorry about that. Sorry.
00:43:05Sorry to you and your wife.
00:43:07Don't apologize. She's gorgeous.
00:43:09She's an acclaimed Pilates instructor.
00:43:11Yeah, it's fucking cool.
00:43:13Now leave!
00:43:25We got the crew!
00:43:27Who's ready to become the most awesome version
00:43:29of themselves possible?
00:43:31Yeah, we might be looking at a couple scrubs right now,
00:43:33but when we get to William's, uh...
00:43:35William!
00:43:37William, tell Diane about this place, man.
00:43:39Uh, well, you know, it's big.
00:43:41It's on a lake. I own it.
00:43:43Um, it might just be
00:43:45the chrysalis from which we emerge
00:43:47our true selves.
00:43:49A little slice of paradise.
00:43:51Ah-ha-ha! Paradise, fuck yeah!
00:43:53Williams, paradise!
00:43:55Williams, paradise!
00:43:57Williams, paradise!
00:43:59The sun is shining
00:44:01All day long
00:44:03There'll be no more clouds in the sky
00:44:07Just the sun for you and I
00:44:11Sunshine
00:44:15Sunshine
00:44:19There's only sunshine
00:44:21There's only sunshine waiting for
00:44:25You and me
00:44:27Here's all the happiness we dreamed
00:44:31That it would bring
00:44:33There's only sunshine
00:44:35There'd be no more clouds in the sky
00:44:37No more wonder and white
00:44:41The sun-o-o-o-o-o-n-shine
00:44:47Oh, just, uh, had to, uh, help an injured moose across the road.
00:45:05Where are we? Why are you dressed like that?
00:45:07Well, we were all going pretty stir-crazy in the car.
00:45:10We figured, fuck it, let's stop and get some new threads.
00:45:13Went to a little camping store, got decked out.
00:45:15Don't worry, we got some for you, too.
00:45:18What?
00:45:19You wanted to drive through the whole night?
00:45:22Yeah.
00:45:23That's crazy. We need a little break.
00:45:25We deserve to kind of chill out, maybe have some dinner, huh?
00:45:29We stopped at a grocery store, and guess what?
00:45:31We're going to have a little barbecue. Camping style.
00:45:35Our friend Diane here called ahead, got us a great plot.
00:45:37She's a hell of a negotiator, this one.
00:45:39Why didn't you wake me up?
00:45:41Well, come on, dude. You were out cold. We tried.
00:45:43I don't want to go camping.
00:45:48So basically, I think my dream, if it were to come true,
00:45:53would be to finally guess the amount of jelly beans in the jar at my mall.
00:45:58That would be fucking awesome. That's a great fucking answer, dude.
00:46:00Thanks, man.
00:46:01Hell yeah.
00:46:02How about you, Diane? Wildest dreams.
00:46:05Wildest dreams.
00:46:08I would want to get a parrot.
00:46:09I would want to be one of those women by the shower and they're spritzing it and they go,
00:46:36just look at that shine. Like that.
00:46:40Wow.
00:46:41But I could never. I could never. Nobody would want me to do that.
00:46:43What do you mean you could never? You just did.
00:46:46Yeah.
00:46:46Yeah, I would buy $1,000 worth of cleaning supplies off that pitch alone.
00:46:51You're a natural.
00:46:52Yeah.
00:46:53For real.
00:46:53And if you're this good now, just imagine what it's going to be like when we transcend.
00:46:56What does transcend mean?
00:47:00I meant, I didn't say it. I said tan skin.
00:47:03When we tan skin at William's Paradise, there's going to be so much, by the lake, so much sun,
00:47:10and everybody likes a tan actor, right?
00:47:12Hey, Diane?
00:47:13Yeah.
00:47:13Diane, would you mind going to get us some sodas from the vending machine?
00:47:16Totally, yeah. I hope you have a great diet, baby.
00:47:24You like to tan skin, right, dude?
00:47:27I've never been able to. My skin is like paper.
00:47:36They should put beer in those, don't you think?
00:47:40Yeah, I guess so.
00:47:42I ain't never seen you stay here before. I'd know, because I'm always here.
00:47:46That's mine.
00:47:51You ever been in one of them before?
00:47:54Oh, man.
00:47:56It's like a big car with a bed.
00:48:01I didn't catch your name?
00:48:03Uh, it's Gertrude.
00:48:05Gertrude, I'm gonna stop beating around the bush.
00:48:08I ain't seen something as pretty as you in a long, long time,
00:48:12even though you got the name of a real old lady.
00:48:14I'd like to invite you onto my house and have sex with me.
00:48:21My wife is, uh, taking care of her sister this week.
00:48:28No, thank you. Bye.
00:48:31The door's always open.
00:48:38Thanks.
00:48:39Good to be in there.
00:48:40Love you.
00:48:43Just in time.
00:48:44A little soda to wash down these dogs.
00:48:48Hey, Tyler, you gotta double it up.
00:48:49What are you doing with a single dog?
00:48:51I don't even know.
00:48:52You're embarrassing yourself.
00:48:54Yeah.
00:48:54What's the most hot dogs you've ever had in a day?
00:48:59Mmm.
00:49:00Dude.
00:49:03Hey, look who it is.
00:49:04What's up?
00:49:05Yum.
00:49:06What's up, dude?
00:49:07What is this?
00:49:08Does somebody want to tell me what's happening?
00:49:09Who is this?
00:49:11I'm Jim Smith.
00:49:13I'm part of the family.
00:49:16Okay.
00:49:17It's time we come clean.
00:49:19Earlier, we weren't stopping to help a moose across the road.
00:49:22We were picking up Jim Smith.
00:49:24Yeah.
00:49:24The family grows stronger with another member.
00:49:27And listen, I know what you're gonna say.
00:49:29We vetted him.
00:49:31Don't worry.
00:49:31Yeah.
00:49:32It's all good.
00:49:33William's paradise.
00:49:35Sounds like a dream come true.
00:49:39Chip.
00:49:40Chip.
00:49:40What?
00:49:45Let's talk.
00:49:46I'm doing hot dogs.
00:49:47Now.
00:49:51Jimmy, why don't you take over for me, buddy?
00:50:01You like hot dogs?
00:50:05Mm-hmm.
00:50:07This is not working.
00:50:10What are you talking about?
00:50:12I gave you a chance.
00:50:13I gave you the keys.
00:50:15And you're just...
00:50:15And I'm doing a fucking great job.
00:50:17You're doing the opposite of a great job.
00:50:19You're doing everything I said we should not be doing.
00:50:22You're building too fast.
00:50:24You're telling them about transcending before they even know the teachings.
00:50:27You're spending all our money on camping gear.
00:50:29You picked up a hitchhiker who may well be a murderer.
00:50:32Jim Smith's cool.
00:50:33You're overreacting.
00:50:34I really don't think I am.
00:50:36And you're not gonna like this, but I've made a decision to demote you from the position
00:50:40of co-leader of this family.
00:50:42You can't demote me.
00:50:43No, we're co-leaders.
00:50:45You don't make that decision by yourself.
00:50:46I already have.
00:50:48No, fuck that.
00:50:49Because you forgot our arrangement.
00:50:51Either we do this together as co-leaders, or I'll take you to the cops.
00:50:54Oh, interesting.
00:50:55Okay.
00:50:55Yeah, call the police.
00:50:57And they'll come and they'll haul me away.
00:50:58And then, what do you think's gonna happen with all those people?
00:51:02When you have nowhere to take them, they're gonna leave, and you're gonna be alone.
00:51:06This is fucked up, dude.
00:51:08Hey.
00:51:10It's only temporary.
00:51:12We can reassess once we get to the lake house.
00:51:14How about that?
00:51:15I mean, maybe there was one or two things I could've run by you, but this is fucking extreme, dude.
00:51:19Look.
00:51:20One day, when we've transcended together, you'll understand.
00:51:28This is a song I used to know in another lifetime, so I apologize if I'm a little rusty.
00:51:58They woke up in the dark.
00:52:05They learned to walk in the dark.
00:52:15They sang their songs in the dark.
00:52:22They said, don't go, you'll be afraid.
00:52:42I smile, turn my eyes toward the sun.
00:52:57I smile, turn my eyes toward the sun.
00:53:02Mm-mm.
00:53:03Mm-mm.
00:53:13Mm-mm-mm.
00:53:14Mm-mm-mm.
00:53:16Mm-mm-mm.
00:53:17I don't know.
00:53:34That's crazy.
00:53:36I know.
00:53:37You go over it ever and ever.
00:53:38I know.
00:53:40You're cheating.
00:53:42You have to be a straighter.
00:53:43Yes.
00:53:47Morning, family.
00:53:49Morning, William.
00:53:51Got you a cup of coffee.
00:53:52I thought you might like some of that.
00:53:55Thank you, Tyler.
00:53:56You're welcome.
00:53:58I slept like a baby last night.
00:54:01That's great to hear.
00:54:02Diane, good morning.
00:54:03Good morning, William.
00:54:04Uh-oh.
00:54:06You have a little leaf in your ear.
00:54:08Uh-oh.
00:54:10Oh, it's so soft.
00:54:11It's like feathers.
00:54:12Uh, thank you.
00:54:14Good morning.
00:54:16I gotta say, you three are brimming with potential today.
00:54:19Oh, my God.
00:54:21I mean it.
00:54:23Ah, Chip.
00:54:26You decided to join us.
00:54:28Yeah.
00:54:29You missed a really wonderful discussion last night.
00:54:32Basically, we are all worms.
00:54:35Yeah, I know that one.
00:54:39All right, gang, I'm gonna hit the showers.
00:54:42Chip, why don't you go ahead and start breaking down the tents for us, okay?
00:54:45Okay?
00:54:46Hey, Chip, dude.
00:54:47Um, is everything okay, man?
00:54:49Yeah, dude.
00:54:50Everything's fucking awesome.
00:54:51Good.
00:54:52It's just, uh, you seem kind of down.
00:54:54What?
00:54:55Nah, dude.
00:54:56I was up all night thinking of all the chicks I slammed, actually.
00:54:58Oh, my God.
00:54:59Yeah.
00:55:00That's excellent.
00:55:01It was fucking sick.
00:55:02That's so sick.
00:55:03It's just, uh, I'm pretty sure I saw you crying last night at the fire.
00:55:04What the fuck, dude?
00:55:05Don't you ever fucking lie about me again.
00:55:06I don't cry, dude.
00:55:07If you saw anything and you didn't, probably what you saw was me being sad because William's
00:55:11song sucks so much dick.
00:55:12I thought the song was awesome at rock.
00:55:13Yeah, dude, you would think some shit like that.
00:55:14You're fucking weak-minded.
00:55:15I just want to let you know, man, like if you're hurting, trust me, I've been hurt before.
00:55:18I've been hurt in ways that are illegal.
00:55:19But if you are feeling bad, just let me know, man.
00:55:46I'm here for you.
00:55:47here for you we're a family now dude i don't need shit like that i'm at the top of this thing i'm
00:55:52i've been here longer than you you don't help me with stuff i help you with stuff okay i'm sorry
00:55:56i've stepped over a boundary and i thought i'm very sorry i'm sorry you fucked up dude okay i'm
00:56:01sorry bothering you dude you slow me down i'm sorry i have an important job were you assigned
00:56:05a job i don't know no because you're not trustworthy enough i'm sorry dude
00:56:17all yours ginger dick thanks holy shit holy fucking shit three balls billy
00:56:33how's that third nut oh you must be thinking of somebody else oh bullshit it's me it's robbie
00:56:39come on man how you been you still hanging out with all those busted theater girls follow you
00:56:45around call you a wizard different guy come on robbie you right i shit in your history book
00:56:52smushed it shut you've mistaken me for someone else no no no no i'm pretty sure it's you matter of fact
00:56:59i was just thinking about you saw a picture of a fucking guy on the news thought it was you but
00:57:04wasn't sure had a lady's haircut but seeing you here in person i think it was you what's going on man
00:57:10that wasn't me oh all right i get it hey i'd do the same thing too if they were looking for me
00:57:21well good seeing you bill
00:57:24okay everybody it's time to go time to go let's get in the car let's leave everything uh trust me
00:57:41tyler i'd love to invite you to drive for us today are you serious i am and diane our navigator we
00:57:49couldn't do it without you please resume your position okay leave everything let's go into the car
00:57:56we won't need tents where we're going
00:58:09and we'll all have our own bedrooms overlooking the lake i think it's going to be the perfect place for
00:58:15for us to become who we were always meant to be
00:58:29you know
00:58:47hello aunt bev it's billy
00:58:51sandra is that you
00:58:55not too hungover today to party girl but you can hang out if you want your bikini's in the bathroom
00:59:03aunt bev is that you who is that
00:59:08i'm billy my aunt here
00:59:10honey where you been where have i been i mean i've been a lot of places where's my aunt
00:59:25honey i i'm sorry to have to say this but your aunt bev passed about six months ago she was sick for a
00:59:32couple years
00:59:36i didn't know that but she cared for you a whole lot you know that
00:59:41yeah i mean she was my favorite aunt she was my only aunt
00:59:48and you didn't think to call in what six years
00:59:51yeah i should have called
00:59:57who are you
00:59:58i'm dorota
01:00:00did your aunt's hair for years or started getting friendly when she got sick i helped her out
01:00:05i miss her i do
01:00:07oh she's so kind to me she left me this place she didn't have to do that
01:00:14she always said she was going to leave me the house
01:00:16she wanted to
01:00:18it broke her heart honey how hard is it to pick up the phone
01:00:25probably the prettiest place i've ever been in my whole life
01:00:28i knew two boys that drowned in the light once
01:00:37sorry guys this is not my property it's my aunt's and she's dead and she left it to her hairdresser
01:00:45instead of me so this whole thing is over thanks for coming just wasn't meant to be
01:00:52wow that really sucks
01:01:02chip what are you doing chip
01:01:07hello ma'am i told you to leave who are you oh hi i'm chip i'm friends with william
01:01:17uh i'm not sure how much he told you but our group is really depending on this house
01:01:23group he didn't say anything about a group that little just came in here and threatened me with
01:01:28legal said he was gonna get me out of my house yeah no that sounds like him he could definitely be
01:01:32a dickhead sometimes the thing is though me and my friends just really don't have anywhere else to go
01:01:39whoa sick pinata is that beer smoking weed yeah made it myself keep a really nice home
01:01:47uh anyway it's just we've been on the road just trying to get here for days and everyone in the
01:01:52crew is so awesome you have tyler who's this tall strong physical specimen and diane she's beautiful
01:01:58and nice and just trying to get her son back and then there's jim smith who's a foreign man of some
01:02:04kind we'll do whatever it takes to stay here we'll do your laundry we'll cook for you we'll clean uh
01:02:10we'll secure the premises we just we just really need a place to become our best selves i'm sorry
01:02:14honey i don't think i can house a whole crew of people i don't know
01:02:19no i know you're right it's just i owed it to everybody to give it a shot um thank you for
01:02:27hearing me out it's a shame too this really is such an awesome place is that a vintage derota the
01:02:34destroyer poster god now you're just trying to butter me up what
01:02:49no way are you kidding me right now come on you know who i am do i know who you are i remember this
01:02:56exactly may 9 1981 the superdome you got fucked the ref turned his back and marvelous mabel hits you over
01:03:02the head with a steel chair pinned you she stole the championship from you you should have been the
01:03:06champ you got fucked god that thing was rigged i hate to break it to you kid they're all rigged
01:03:12you had such cool moves the dance of destruction thigh blaster come on are you kidding me
01:03:19that was a long time ago god but you're so electric what's going on why are you here
01:03:23you should be headlining main events right now yeah that was a lot of fun but nobody wants to watch
01:03:28an old lady parade around next to nothing crush a man's head with her thighs well speak for yourself
01:03:34sister
01:03:43what the hell is he doing
01:03:48oh my god that was one of the coolest ways i've ever busted
01:03:53oh my god i'm not even close to being done with you yet
01:04:07oh my god
01:04:08oh my god
01:04:10oh my god
01:04:12oh my god
01:04:14oh my god
01:04:16oh my god
01:04:18oh my god
01:04:20oh my god
01:04:22oh
01:04:37thy blasphemy
01:04:42like that little piggy yes prove it
01:04:45oink oink oink oink
01:04:48holy crap dude
01:05:00it's so cool that chip saved the day
01:05:08hey everybody
01:05:09i have something i'd like to say
01:05:10i've decided to step down from my position as a leader because i think we've all realized something
01:05:19actually i want to get this on camera
01:05:20i'd like to give a toast to chip
01:05:29he's the one true leader of this group and he always has been
01:05:32and he always has been
01:05:33to chip
01:05:34would you follow chip anywhere
01:05:38oh without hesitation
01:05:44chip is an awesome leader
01:05:46chip is an awesome leader
01:05:47he got us this beautiful new home he's the smartest man i ever met
01:05:51who wants it to brought you into this group
01:05:53chip all the way
01:05:58there you go buddy
01:05:59oh dude
01:06:00oh dude
01:06:18Dear Chip, this isn't an easy note to write, but last night it became clear to me that
01:06:41I shouldn't be here anymore.
01:06:44I've always feared I never had a real purpose here, and now I know for sure.
01:06:48I'm certain you will continue to be a powerful leader to everyone else, but I know that I'm
01:06:54not worthy to receive your leadership, and perhaps I'm not even worthy of this life.
01:07:01Goodbye, William.
01:07:12Today we lost an important man.
01:07:14He was wise, he was brilliant, he was smart, but perhaps his greatest attribute was understanding
01:07:20when he was no longer needed.
01:07:22Yes, his greatest masterstroke was knowing that to stand in the way of the supernova of leadership
01:07:28I've become would have been completely futile.
01:07:32To this family that William abandoned, I promised to take us to heights that he couldn't even imagine.
01:07:38And William, though you've now transcended and are likely experiencing pleasures we can't even comprehend,
01:07:45the festival of endless beginnings, likely seated at the table of Garnatham himself,
01:07:51gorging yourself on his fat berries and juices.
01:07:55We miss you.
01:07:56One day we'll all be with you, William.
01:07:59We'll be where you are.
01:08:01And on that day I will of course maintain my leadership position over you.
01:08:06But you won't have a problem with it this time.
01:08:09To William.
01:08:12To William.
01:08:13To William.
01:08:14To William.
01:08:29You're not allowed in Europe, but you don't remember why?
01:08:31I think it's a family thing we did long ago.
01:08:35Where's your family from?
01:08:37Middle of Germany.
01:08:39A little more in your mind?
01:08:40Wait, go back.
01:08:41Wherein my client, William Davenport, was held captive for years,
01:08:46forced to sleep in an unheated barn by the leader of the cult, Chip Harper.
01:08:52This sick, depraved individual forced my client to take part in a myriad of twisted acts,
01:08:59including a group suicide ritual, during which my client was finally able to escape,
01:09:06only to be tracked down several months later by Mr. Harper, who at which time threatened and forced poor Mr. Davenport to join yet another suicide cult.
01:09:19Only through cunning wit and the bravest of hearts was my client able to escape this dangerous, disgusting, unregulated militia and flee to safety.
01:09:31At which point he contacted me, Don Wright.
01:09:34At this time, we're gonna open it up for questions.
01:09:36Ooh, yes, beautiful woman in the front row. How are you?
01:09:39He's fucking lying. He never spent a night in the punishment barn.
01:09:42I find it was too good to be true.
01:09:44It's not. What we have is real. I can clear this all up. You gotta believe me.
01:09:48And you guys gotta believe me, too.
01:09:50A lot of that was very concerning, man.
01:09:52Oh, no, dude. Fuck, gosh. I'll explain everything, but we gotta go now.
01:09:58Gosh, we gotta go now. We gotta go now.
01:10:00I'll buy you some time. Y'all don't deserve this kind of trouble.
01:10:03Fuck. I can't get in trouble with the police.
01:10:07You're a good woman, Dorota.
01:10:09I'm doing this for them, Chip. Not you.
01:10:13Oh, D. What are they doing to you, baby?
01:10:34Guys, this way.
01:10:35Stop him. Chip. Was that all true? Is this a suicide cult?
01:10:40No, William's full of shit. He was the leader of the old family, not me.
01:10:43Were you gonna kill us?
01:10:45No, of course not. When the time came, I was hoping you would want to kill yourselves. With me.
01:10:50I know how that sounds, but it's not death. It's transcending.
01:10:53Is that what transcendence means? Killing yourself?
01:10:56It's about so much more than that. There's so much bullshit here.
01:11:00When we transcend, that all goes away.
01:11:02No dumb judge taking advantage of you, stealing your family, no one to break your heart.
01:11:07You're just hanging out with your best friends all the time. Doesn't that sound awesome?
01:11:12Best friends don't lie to each other, and they don't manipulate each other.
01:11:15I thought we were supposed to help each other, man, and make the best of this life right now.
01:11:19We are, guys. Come on. You don't get it.
01:11:22I know it sounds a little far-fetched, and I didn't want to tell you this, but...
01:11:25I know it's true, because...
01:11:28I brought William back to life.
01:11:31I'm serious. I saw him. He was dead.
01:11:33The old group, they tried to transcend without me, but they were a bunch of snakes.
01:11:37They had hate in their hearts, so they couldn't do it right. They all died.
01:11:39William, too. They brought him back for me.
01:11:42We were supposed to get a second chance at this.
01:11:45I was supposed to transcend with a good family this time.
01:11:48Guys, I think we should just go back, explain to the police everything that happened, and just pray for the best.
01:11:56All the things you said is really crazy.
01:12:05You let us down, man.
01:12:15It's so sad how people can lie to themselves. Could Chip hear himself?
01:12:19Some people can't face reality even when it slaps them in the face. It's pathetic.
01:12:23I don't understand why all these bad things keep happening to me when I'm doing so good.
01:12:28And I promised Meredith I'd come back a better man. Let's hope she forgot about that one.
01:12:33Wow. I hope this doesn't come off really nasty. But when it comes to delusion, Chip has nothing on you two.
01:12:42Diane, when are you going to admit that your life is a result of your own choices?
01:12:48And Tyler, no matter how much you don't want your relationship to be over, you have to face the facts.
01:12:57She's just not that into you, dude.
01:12:59Then again, who am I to judge?
01:13:02When I first met you guys, I was still reeling from losing my position within the ranks of a top secret government program.
01:13:09After a failed assassination attempt on the vice premier of Morocco, I was shot four times and left for dead in the Aegean Sea.
01:13:18Thanks only to the kindness of the fisherman whose nets lifted my near lifeless body from the frothy waters did I survive.
01:13:28I heard rumors of a false flag terrorist attack being coordinated by the United States and Saudi Arabia.
01:13:37I was hitchhiking to Wyoming, planning to execute vice presidential candidate Richard Cheney, who my sources indicate is the chief architect of this plot.
01:13:49But after just a few hours with you guys, I felt so foolish.
01:13:55I realized I've been wasting my life committing violence so I could feel a sense of purpose.
01:14:02I realized that hanging out with cool friends, that's all I really need.
01:14:08This family taught me to love again.
01:14:11But now it seems like it's falling apart.
01:14:16And there's nothing we can do.
01:14:19And it sucks.
01:14:21Jim Smith is right.
01:14:22Except for I do think you're wrong about one thing.
01:14:25You are wrong about the fact that we can't do anything about this.
01:14:29Chip might be all messed up in the head.
01:14:32But listen, he's our friend, okay?
01:14:35And I think we gotta go back for him.
01:14:39Let's do this thing.
01:14:41Chip!
01:14:44Where are you, buddy?
01:14:47Yeah, come on, man.
01:14:50Chip?
01:14:51Chip!
01:14:52Chip, I'm coming for you, buddy.
01:14:53Oh my god, Chip!
01:15:00Chip, dude, come on, man.
01:15:02I got you. I got you.
01:15:04Dude.
01:15:05What the fuck?
01:15:06What the fuck am I?
01:15:10We brought you back, buddy.
01:15:13What?
01:15:14Why?
01:15:15I screwed you guys big time.
01:15:17You guys sold some bogus, dude.
01:15:20We figured you could use some help sorting out the bad from the good.
01:15:22You guys are the best.
01:15:24When I was just dead right now, nothing fucking cool happened at all.
01:15:27It fucking sucked.
01:15:28I didn't grow wings and fly on the celestial orbit.
01:15:32I didn't get the fucking crown jewels of princess Namaha no more.
01:15:37I believe William's bullshit.
01:15:39He fucked my head up so bad,
01:15:41and then I was so charming and seductive when you met me,
01:15:44I fucked your heads up bad.
01:15:47I almost lost you guys.
01:15:49I'm not gonna let it happen again.
01:15:51Now that you've passed my test...
01:15:53Chip.
01:15:54Okay, I'm sorry.
01:15:55Now that you've saved my life and I'm very appreciative for you,
01:15:58I'm gonna repay the favor.
01:16:01I'm gonna save your lives.
01:16:03I know how we can clear our names.
01:16:08Okay, so with that last cult,
01:16:10the night before we were all gonna kill ourselves,
01:16:12William made us do this fucked up tape.
01:16:14Okay.
01:16:15So on this tape, that motherfucker's clearly the leader.
01:16:18He's admitting it himself.
01:16:20He wants the whole world to know.
01:16:22Where's the tape now?
01:16:28The important thing is, William thinks I burned the tape.
01:16:31He thinks all the evidence is gone.
01:16:33But I didn't burn it.
01:16:34As embarrassed as I am about it now,
01:16:36I just couldn't bring myself to destroy those memories.
01:16:39Now the bad news is...
01:16:40Fuck!
01:16:41See, the problem is, that tape was all the way the fuck back
01:16:44to that first house where William brainwashed me.
01:16:47It's not, like, really far.
01:16:49If you're dicking around, yeah, it is.
01:16:51But if we drive straight through, no stopping for hotel breakfast,
01:16:54no video games, no hitchhikers,
01:16:56we can get there in less than a day.
01:16:58We just need a real set of wheels.
01:17:01Oh, I have an idea!
01:17:11Well, well.
01:17:13Who do we have here?
01:17:14I was wondering if that offer for sex while your wife's away still stands?
01:17:18You're just in time, Gertrude.
01:17:20My sister-in-law's back on solid food.
01:17:22Means the missus will be back any day now.
01:17:24I just have one problem.
01:17:26I need to do it outside.
01:17:28It's the only way that I like it.
01:17:30It's beautiful and natural.
01:17:32Just the right amount of knotting, you know?
01:17:34Oh, girl!
01:17:35Careful now!
01:17:36I'm all boned up.
01:17:37You're getting me to shoot right here where I stand.
01:17:39Uh-oh.
01:17:41Come and get me before I change my mind.
01:17:46Good things do happen to good people.
01:17:49Hey!
01:17:50It's my grandmother's hierarchy!
01:17:51Hey!
01:17:52Hey!
01:17:53The gravel has scraped my penis!
01:18:16Behind me stands what most would call
01:18:18a normal-looking home just outside a sleepy Midwestern town.
01:18:23But within those walls, it was anything but normal.
01:18:27Meet Billy Davenport, an innocent man who fell under the spell of one of the world's most depraved criminals.
01:18:35It's honestly a little uncomfortable being back this close to the house.
01:18:41And why is that?
01:18:43I can still hear Chip screaming at me.
01:18:46But maybe that was the allure.
01:18:48The more he pulled away, the more I felt the need to prove myself because he was just so charming and special.
01:18:55Billy was talking about Chip Harper, AKA the Manson of the Midwest, and leader of the suicide cult known as the Cosmic Dynasty.
01:19:05How did you first meet Chip Harper?
01:19:06Well, I was very fat at the time, and I was in a fast food restaurant arguing with one of the workers about the amount of food I'd been given.
01:19:18I was insisting that they hadn't given me my order, even though I'd already eaten all the sandwiches in question.
01:19:24Chip saw my desperation and pounced.
01:19:27What do you think Chip thought when he first saw you?
01:19:32If I had to speculate, hey, here's a guy I can get to do all the menial, degrading tasks that I aim to relieve my followers of in the hopes that they'll fall more deeply in love with me.
01:19:46If I had to guess, that's it.
01:19:49Wait, why's that news van here?
01:19:53What's going on?
01:19:55Fuck! He's here! That piece of shit is here!
01:20:01And he brought Georgian Jennings here!
01:20:03He's probably in there telling her a bunch of lies about us right now!
01:20:08No, hold on. We're fine.
01:20:10Because the tape's in the barn.
01:20:12You don't know about the barn.
01:20:13As long as you didn't take her to the barn, we're golden!
01:20:17He wanted to show me the barn, far away from the house where he was forced to sleep, often without electricity, left to deal with the elements and the wildlife.
01:20:29Fuck!
01:20:30They're going to the barn!
01:20:32Oh, I'm fucked. I'm going to fucking jail forever.
01:20:36No.
01:20:38No.
01:20:39I'm gonna get there.
01:20:41William, consider your ass plucked.
01:20:45Did you ever think about leaving?
01:20:48I was too stupid to go anywhere else.
01:20:53Hmm.
01:20:58And to tell you the truth, I've blocked a lot of memories of this place out on account of all the trauma, but I will do my best to answer any questions you may have.
01:21:07Did you ever have sex with Chip?
01:21:09Stop!
01:21:10No!
01:21:11Do not listen to a word this man says, Georgianne Jennings.
01:21:14He is a liar and a huge piece of dog shit.
01:21:17Georgianne, you should run and hide and disregard everything this lunatic is saying.
01:21:21Keep rolling.
01:21:22Keep rolling.
01:21:23Keep rolling.
01:21:24Keep rolling's right.
01:21:25Keep rolling's right.
01:21:26You're one of them that I want to roll on this.
01:21:27Because I got it all right here, Georgianne.
01:21:29I have in this tape, I will expose this man for the snake he really is and clear my good name.
01:21:35It's probably a tape of him showing you his penis and once you see that you can't unsee it and that's how he-
01:21:40It's not my cock!
01:21:43Your time has come, William.
01:21:57Georgianne, it's gonna work, I promise.
01:21:59He's stalling, Georgianne.
01:22:00We should leave now while we still have the chance.
01:22:02Shut the fuck up, William!
01:22:04Mr. Harper, if you don't have anything you can show us, I'll have no choice but to call the authorities.
01:22:10Georgianne, it is gonna work.
01:22:12I know it is.
01:22:20Whoa!
01:22:22Yes!
01:22:23Yes!
01:22:24Look at this!
01:22:25This doesn't prove anything.
01:22:26That looks like CGI to me.
01:22:27Video game or something like that.
01:22:29My name is William Davenport, and I am the father, shepherd, and spiritual leader of the cosmic dynasty.
01:22:39If you are watching this tape, Georgianne, we have transcended successfully.
01:22:44And it is your job to spread our message to the unfortunate master-
01:22:50Jesus Christ.
01:22:51Well, that's obviously a joke.
01:22:54The whole thing is a prank!
01:22:56Why isn't everybody laughing?
01:22:57It's time for laughing now!
01:22:58Oh!
01:22:59What the fuck, dude?
01:23:02Chill out!
01:23:03Calm down.
01:23:04You calm down!
01:23:05On hand, Georgianne Jennings, right now!
01:23:06Oh, big man.
01:23:07Big man.
01:23:08He's trying to impress you, Georgianne.
01:23:09But she's not impressed, because you're a fool.
01:23:12Georgianne, did you know that Chip here thought I died and magically came back to life just for him?
01:23:25I didn't drink that poison, you stupid fuck.
01:23:28You know what, dude?
01:23:29That little comment would have really hurt the old me, because I thought you rocked.
01:23:33But it turns out you fucking suck.
01:23:35Yeah, I feel sorry for you, honestly.
01:23:37Your vibes are fucked, you got a bad attitude, and you're a terrible hang.
01:23:41Always were.
01:23:42Bullshit.
01:23:43People love me.
01:23:45Not me!
01:23:46I think you're a loser!
01:23:47Yeah, you think you're all that, but you're actually a total scrub.
01:23:50And I still like you, but not as much.
01:23:53Who cares?
01:23:54Give me that fucking tape!
01:23:56Okay, man.
01:23:57Just don't do anything crazy.
01:23:58Get on your knees!
01:23:59Get on your knees!
01:24:00Do what he says!
01:24:01Everybody on your knees!
01:24:04Let Georgianne go.
01:24:05Okay.
01:24:06Okay, okay.
01:24:10I should've let you drink that fucking poison.
01:24:12Fucking idiot.
01:24:17Oh!
01:24:18You got raccoon trapped, bitch!
01:24:33You're gonna fucking die!
01:24:35I love when my enemies perish!
01:24:42He's probably dead, you guys.
01:24:44Chip Harper landed on his feet after that fateful day.
01:24:49Once spending half a decade under the spell of William Davenport, Harper is now an in-demand motivational speaker.
01:24:57Today, we kill our Williams, and today, you're all gonna become the best versions of yourselves possible!
01:25:04Though his wife is currently serving 25 years to life in prison for the murder of four police officers, these two lovebirds are expecting a beautiful baby girl.
01:25:21You know, it wasn't easy, Georgianne.
01:25:24You know, at first, we thought I'd have to cover my frozen seed in chocolate and sneak it into the facility with a candy bar wrapper.
01:25:31Eventually, we were granted conjugal visits, but trying to make love to your wife in a cold, concrete cell, all the other inmates hooting and hollering.
01:25:39They can smell my pheromones.
01:25:41I suppose it comes with the territory of being an alpha male, but it's not easy on the erection, Georgianne, I'll be honest with you.
01:25:48Luckily, I was able to bust soft, and our little miracle is on the way any day now.
01:25:54Oh, precious.
01:25:56And even though your immediate family was recently killed in a gravel spill,
01:26:02it seems like you've managed to persevere and create kind of a new family of sorts.
01:26:07You know, what can I say, Georgianne?
01:26:09I'm blessed.
01:26:10Right, as difficult as this ordeal was, I'm at the best palace of my entire life through this thing.
01:26:15It's great.
01:26:16James Smith.
01:26:17Uncle James Smith.
01:26:18What's she got for it?
01:26:24Sorry!
01:26:25Sean!
01:26:26Sean!
01:26:27Sean cheer!
01:26:28Sean cheer!
01:26:29Thank you!
01:26:30Thank you!
01:26:31Thank you!
01:26:32Thank you!
01:26:33What's up, man?
01:26:34Tyler.
01:26:35I think it's safe to say that everybody that lived through this situation were all the absolute best versions of ourselves possible now.
01:26:43As for William Davenport, after 36 hours of surgery, they managed to remove the sword from his head and save his life.
01:26:52But now, he's a shit for brains.
01:26:55The type that laughs when a train goes by.
01:26:58Put aside your sad, unhappy endings.
01:27:03Turn away from the world that's gone and turned its back on you.
01:27:10Who knows what tomorrow is beginning.
01:27:17All I really know is that I want to be with you.
01:27:23For all we'll ever have may be what we share tonight.
01:27:33The future's promised to no one.
01:27:43So stay with me in paradise.
01:27:48Time is like a river flowing.
01:27:53Winding down through all our memories.
01:27:56Making islands of the happiness we've known.
01:28:06Down to the sea of life and loving.
01:28:11Watering our days and all the seeds that we have shown.
01:28:17For all we'll ever have may be what we share tonight.
01:28:31The future's promised to no one.
01:28:37So stay with me in paradise.
01:28:42And all you've ever have…
01:28:43Yes, all you've ever have may be what we share tonight.
01:28:53Yes, all you've ever have may be what we share tonight.
01:28:55The future's promised to no one.
01:29:02So stay with me in paradise.
01:29:07We'll see you next time.
01:29:37We'll see you then.
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