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Grimsburg Season 2 Episode 12
Transcript
00:00You
00:05These flip-flops were a bad choice
00:09Did you ever consider Crocs less slappy more comfortable, and they make you feel like a sassy overworked nurse?
00:16According to the greatest margarita based songwriter of our generation
00:19R.I.P. JB if you want to blow out a flip-flop all you need is the top
00:30And that's how I bust a nut
00:49Here's your son of salmon I asked for the John Wayne gravy on the side and would it hurt you to frown a little more?
01:00Oh
01:02I can't believe how real it looks right, huh?
01:05John
01:07As head of the criminals union I'm here to say that a heinous crime is being committed right now
01:19And I don't mean the work of the press conference slasher
01:23I'm talking about this city not sharing in the profits made off the hard dishonest work of our members
01:27I'm talking about this city not sharing in the profits made off the hard dishonest work of our members
01:33So until they do we are on strike
01:35While crime tourism rakes in millions many felons feel they haven't received their fair share
01:37I guess one could say crime doesn't pay
01:39I thought of that
01:41Back when I first started you could make a killing killing
01:43But now with inflation I can't even afford a kill room anymore
01:47I had to get a roommate
01:49I will not allow these criminals to hold this town hostage until they begin holding people hostage again
01:53And to prove it I will be forlowing the entire police department
01:55If you have an emergency call your mama
01:57Wait a sec
01:59So does this mean we're out of a job?
02:01Nah we still have our jobs they're just on pause
02:03Like your mail when you go out of town
02:05Or Sydney Sydney Sydney
02:07I don't have to pay
02:09I thought of that
02:11Back when I first started you could make a killing killing
02:13But now with inflation I can't even afford a kill room anymore
02:15I had to get a roommate
02:17I will not allow these criminals to hold this town hostage
02:19Until they begin holding people hostage again
02:21And to prove it I will be forlowing the entire police department
02:23If you have an emergency call your mama
02:25Wait a sec
02:27What's your mail when you go out of town
02:29Or a Sydney Sweeney movie being watched by one of my teenage boys
02:31Technically I'm considered equipment
02:33So I'm being reassigned
02:35I'm replacing a toll booth that's out of order
02:37Don't worry all criminals are idiots
02:39That's why they always go for one last score and get caught
02:41Mark my words
02:43The strike will be over before it even
02:45Why won't it stop?
02:49Make it end
02:51Flute, it's only been three days
02:53How did you grow a beard that full?
02:55I started injecting testosterone
02:57What else am I supposed to do now that these idiots stole my job?
03:01You know treating criminals like they're beneath us
03:03Is what started all this
03:05Everybody deserves some respect
03:07Respect crooks? For what?
03:09Anyone can break the law
03:11And there's a cell full of babies downstairs to prove it
03:13That's the precinct's daycare
03:15Well I'm still never gonna respect them
03:17And you can disregard my request for tinier handcuffs
03:19Good day fellow horrible people
03:21Where do you want me?
03:23How about inside with all your detective buddies?
03:25Seems like lately you've helped solve more crimes than you've committed
03:29So we revoked your membership
03:31Now hold on! I only do that because of my court appointed jury
03:35Yeah, and not a scratch on it
03:37Why haven't you tried to pry it off?
03:39Too scared of what you'd be without it?
03:41If I wanted this off, it would be
03:43Fine, get it off by the end of the month and you're back in the union
03:47It's a bet! Get ready!
03:49Because you're about to learn
03:51How to lose an ankle monitor in a week and a half
03:55Should we just say ten days?
03:57Yep, yep, how to lose an ankle monitor in ten days
03:59That's far superior
04:01So now that you legally can't tell me what to do
04:05What are we doing? Let's do something stupid
04:07No thanks, I've had plenty of fun in my life
04:09Being fun-sized doesn't count
04:11Ha ha, real funny I'm laughing
04:13But I'm not even though I just said I am
04:15Let me ask you this, have you ever heard of Chamoy?
04:17The savory sauce in Mexican cuisine made from pickled fruit
04:19Or the wildly erratic pop star
04:23Before there was Chamoy the superstar
04:25There was Tajin and Chamoy
04:29We were basically salt and pepper
04:31But, Latino, when instead of singing about sex
04:33We vocalized virginity
04:37Spotty screaming yes
04:39But our promise says no
04:41Heat is rising fast
04:43But we're taking it slow
04:45Even if we won't go all the way
04:49We can still have
04:51Everything but sex
04:53What sex
04:57What sex
04:59This is insane, what happened?
05:01I got knocked up, not a good look for a pro virginity band
05:05Her dad was our manager and forced me to make a choice
05:07Take care of the problem or quit
05:09So, I quit
05:11This is the fun I'm talking about
05:13Let's go hang with Chamoy
05:14I haven't really kept in touch
05:15It breaks my heart when I see those stories about her
05:17The rehab rumors
05:19Dancing with chainsaws
05:21Drinking water out of a hamster bottle
05:23I can't help but feel responsible
05:25Clearly she's jealous of my life
05:27Okay, the millionaire superstar
05:29Who has her own clothing line
05:31Is jealous of you
05:32Who has a clothesline in her office
05:33It's not about money
05:35I have five kids, she has none
05:37Uh, I don't have any kids
05:39And look how sad your life is
05:41Stay strong
05:43I think the reason you don't want to see Chamoy
05:45Is because you're scared you made a mistake
05:47Fine, I'll call her and we'll go
05:49But when you realize I came out on top
05:51I want an apology
05:55Sorry, one of my boys cracked the screen
05:57And the other tried to fix it with wood glue
06:07Hey, glad you're here
06:08Can you-
06:09Let me guess, you have a problem I need to help with
06:11You two realize this is a very one-sided relationship
06:14Uh, how many sides is a relationship supposed to have?
06:17Two, three if you're Taika Waititi
06:19I have problems too, you know
06:21I'm about to lose the bet
06:23My scoliosis is acting up on me and
06:27Ah, fine, what's your problem?
06:29I need this strike to end
06:30Without a job my life has no meaning
06:32I have no excuse not to see Stan
06:34And I'm this close to joining a pickleball league
06:37Ah, so easy
06:38Pretend you are a criminal
06:39Commit a few crimes
06:40While the conscramble to find out who is scabbing
06:42They will inevitably turn on one another
06:44Breaking their unity
06:45And start sending the strike
06:47But I don't know the first thing about being a criminal
06:53Perhaps you could learn the keys to being one
06:55If you had the right teacher
06:57To unlock it
06:59Someone with the keen criminal mind
07:01Someone who has outwitted the police
07:03The FBI
07:04And the Columbia House CD Club
07:06Someone who could teach you the lost art of pretending you are helping someone else
07:10When in fact you are secretly serving your own sinister goals
07:16Me?
07:17Yeah, you
07:17Couldn't you be my teacher?
07:18Me? Never thought of it
07:19But once I do solve your problem
07:21You must promise to help solve mine no matter what
07:24Do we have a deal?
07:28Goodbye, Detective Flute
07:30Can't let me get this because I kept losing it
07:40So what's first?
07:47Home invasion?
07:48Light arson?
07:49Maybe a carjacking?
07:50Slow down
07:51I must ease you in
07:52Go too fast and you'll catch
07:54The madness
07:56Solving crimes is one thing
07:58But committing them is
08:00Well, actually it's just the exact opposite
08:04But can you do it?
08:06Mail theft?
08:07Come on, that's too easy
08:09Then why am I not reading this week's supermarket circular?
08:12I'd love to know what cut of beef is on sale
08:14The smart money is on tri-tip
08:21I can't do it!
08:22It's illegal!
08:23I can't steal a kid's birthday card
08:25And why not?
08:26Your livelihood has been taken from you like Liam Neeson's daughter in Taken
08:30Your identity stripped away like Liam Neeson's ability to do any other type of role after Taken
08:35It's time to steal your life, mate
08:40I just robbed a child of their birthday money
08:42I feel like a box of Pokemon cards
08:44Hey! Get out of here!
08:48Mailbox pervert!
08:49It was tri-tip
08:51Still think she's jealous of you?
08:58You getting?
08:59These water features scream?
09:00I wasted my fertile years
09:02It's really you!
09:03Come in!
09:06Mm-hmm
09:08Insane with jealousy
09:10Tahin!
09:11Give me a hug, girl!
09:13Uh, why are you in that?
09:16I was nervous you were coming and Daddy didn't want me biting my nails
09:19Tino's still your manager?
09:21Oh, don't be silly!
09:22He's my conservator!
09:26Don't let the title throw you
09:27Conservators have gotten such a bad rap after Brittany, Amanda Bynes, Lindy Lohan, Brian Wilson, Mickey Rooney, Debbie Lovato, The Blind Side
09:36I just handle the boring stuff so my princess can do whatever she wants
09:41Can I go out with my friends?
09:43No!
09:44But you can have a sleepover
09:46It'll be far more fun
09:48Yes, let's have a sleepover
09:50It will be far more fun
10:00Where'd you learn that?
10:02My father
10:03Huh, I didn't know you had parents
10:05You never asked?
10:07Papa was an escape artist in the circus
10:10Well, that explains everything
10:12What does that mean?
10:13Nothing
10:14Nothing
10:15Say it
10:16Forget it
10:17Say it
10:18Say it
10:19Ha, ha, ha, ha
10:21Ha, ha, ha, ha
10:29That's easy
10:30If I had a time machine, I'd go back and see Oppenheimer first, then Barbie
10:34But you could go anywhere, the Renaissance, the Roman Empire, you could meet the real Oppenheimer
10:40Honestly, I have no idea who he is
10:42I fell asleep
10:43That's why I'm going back to correct the past
10:45We need more wine
10:47We need more wine
10:48To my Bonnie, who was murdered in this fountain by me, all wishing pennies donated to my defense fund
11:02Aww
11:03I wish for my job back
11:04What about you?
11:05He was just about crimes, not of the heart variety
11:09We should probably get out of here before that jaguar mauls us
11:14We should probably get out of here before that jaguar mauls us
11:17Hey, have you noticed anything weird?
11:18I did
11:19Jamoi hasn't mentioned my kids once
11:20What?
11:21No
11:22I mean, that Tino never lets her out of his sight
11:25He's probably worried how jealous she is of me
11:26I am
11:27I am
11:28I am
11:29I am
11:30I am
11:31I am
11:32I am
11:33I am
11:34I am
11:35I am
11:36I am
11:37I am
11:38I am
11:39I am
11:40I am
11:41I am
11:42I am
11:43I am
11:44I am
11:45I am
11:46I am
11:47I am
11:48I am
11:49I am
11:50I am
11:51she is of me i mean what kind of person puts up all these gold records just to hide the fact she
11:56doesn't have a book of wall of fame so what should we do now let's get out of the house just the
12:01three of us she can't leave it's too dangerous for her out in the world but she goes out all the time
12:07to tour actually she doesn't her last tour was all hologram you'd be shocked at how good technology
12:14has gotten see you are shocked now she does it all from the safety of home in fact we're performing
12:23a benefit for the strike tonight so this little one needs her energy come on my dear eat
12:33just as i expected tino's been drugging her he's the reason she's crazy not her jealousy of you
12:38oh well i may have lost our bet but that doesn't mean i regret my decision we're getting you out
12:45of here right martinez oh god is that sam jackson's first tango that could have been mine why did i
12:52have a basketball team of kids look they're talking about us and while the scabs behind these recent
13:01crimes remain unknown it has weakened the strikers unity which may be why the union announced they've
13:07dropped their major demands and the mayor has agreed to negotiate an end to the strike it seems our
13:12little plan worked you got what you wanted and i suppose now it is my turn what if it's not but you
13:19promised to help me if i helped you no i mean what if it's not what i want anymore i did all this to
13:24get my life back but what if i found a better life what are you slowly suggesting committing crimes is way
13:32easier than solving them i have no boss and i'm a natural like robert redford in the sting
13:36but i can't do it alone now i know you'd never ask but i'm taking off that ankle bracelet and i won't
13:42take no for an answer no yes we'd be a modern day thelma and louise but we change the sexes which is
13:50what makes it so modern what do you say i say maybe vicious do come true
13:57like really come true
14:03wait didn't you have a problem nope all solved but i do have a new one now that i should probably get
14:09cleaned up
14:14my ankle is so much lighter i feel as though i could jump and touch this guy
14:19right i still have the scoliosis so what's next i say we go someplace warm i've always dreamed of
14:27getting a sunburn we're not leaving town but once the deal is signed every criminal will be out looking
14:32to kill the scabs who broke the strike that's us you're right
14:41we need to kill all the criminals oh god death the madness they're all at city hall right now one
14:50well-placed bomb and we'll run this town they'll never catch us you sound like every other criminal
14:55right before they get caught but i'm smarter than all the other crooks they also say that one last score
15:02then we're free is this a bit maybe karen was right about you maybe you are no longer the
15:06mastermind your accent makes you appear to be oh really i tricked you into taking my ankle bracelet off
15:14hold on that came out wrong even though all the words were correct so was any of this real it was
15:20real for me but perhaps i was a fool for thinking you cared maybe i do have the madness because i almost
15:27believed you it's over tino we know everything i'm glad i can stop this lie now it's been hard keeping
15:41you both safe keep us safe after she poisoned her choreographer bludgeoned her makeup team and smothered
15:50her social media manager the doctors weren't committed but i knew my little girl was still in there
15:55somewhere so they put me in charge that's how i came up with the hologram concert and the cocktail
16:01of sedatives to prevent her from harming others so you've been protecting her yes of course that's
16:08what a conservador does why no reason real quick what would happen if someone say i don't know took
16:14those sedatives away from her i know a fun sleepover game let's braid each other's organs
16:25hey there dr pentos a little far for you to be out this way no flute extended my range for the day
16:35what a great guy huh can't wait to see him at the concert it's a concert didn't you hear strikes over
16:41and there's a concert outside the mayor's office to celebrate whole town will be there the whole town
16:48well that's too bad i'll have to miss it now may i go through sure thing at 25 cents please
16:54ah shoplifted this from the department store we graffitied spelled wrong thought it might be good
17:04for your scoliosis spelled right he cares this isn't a two-sided relationship
17:13who cares who is it can't believe that guy has a lover and i don't
17:24don't do this you'll lose everything i have nothing to lose she's the one who has everything
17:32kids work a booger wall and if i can't have your life then neither can you and you said
17:38your boy couldn't be jealous of me what let's not anger the crazy knife lady i'm that crazy
17:54i'm sorry this wasn't the fun girl time you were hoping for no i'm the one who's sorry for not
18:14listening to you i'm a mom i'm used to it and tino i hope you could forgive me for thinking you were a
18:19total psycho it's okay this voice does make everything i say sound evil well i should let
18:26them know the show is off
18:33flute you cannot do this well i just did in two hours they're all gonna die so there but it's
18:51over there are innocent people out there celebrating people you care about and how do i know this isn't
18:57another one of your schemes to trick me karen said i never tried to take it off because i was afraid
19:04of what i would have if i was free but i know now that's not true i was scared of what i would lose
19:12you if you're expecting me to get emotional you got the wrong guy my lips quivering from the lack of
19:18potassium in my diet but i will admit that crime isn't as fun without you maybe this isn't who i am
19:25i know it's not now let's get that bomb turned off quick and go home there's plenty of time we've
19:31got 45 minutes 44 now 43 minutes wow time flies when you've made a surprisingly genuine connection
19:37with a friend huh you fool you said it for two minutes not two hours i'm used to diffusing these
19:43not detonating them just flip the kill switch the kill switch come on any criminal worth his salt always
19:49put the kill switch on their master plan that way there's at least a chance they can be foiled at the
19:53last minute by the detectives otherwise where's the fun criminals really do that well so thoughtful
20:00this experience has really given me a newfound respect for you idiots now i may be a terrible
20:05criminal but i'm a great detective and every great detective always has one last heroic move
20:11i just have to become one again and i'll think of it since i'm the deviant who set this i know my
20:16favorite color is blue so that's the wire to come really nailed the blue thing if this doesn't work
20:24i'm sorry for everything dear boy me too no hashtag
20:28i want you
20:37all i want is everything but sex all i need is everything but sex the only thing that feels good
20:46is everything but sex other than that performance anything fun happen while we were furloughed
21:05um no not really martinez and i got to know each other a bit better what about you guys what did you
21:11do oh not much we we fell in love this pickleball the official sport of unemployment
21:21well since nobody's gonna ask kang and i had a blast we caught a fish
21:29they're so jealous