- 7/10/2025
From touring with Kevin Hart, winning BET awards, and starring on television, Tony Roberts has done it all in comedy. In his brand-new concert film, I'm Different, you'll hear his hilarious takes on Eddie Murphy, parenting, sex and everything in between. You may think you've seen it all - but Tony Roberts is different.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:01:38Goddammit.
00:01:40God damn it.
00:01:50They asked me, who's my favorite comedian ever?
00:01:53Of all times, I said Eddie Murphy.
00:01:55I want to get down like Eddie got down.
00:02:01Roll Charlie over. Roll Charlie over.
00:02:05Then I realized when I put this shit on, ain't no fucking way I can do a show on this shit.
00:02:10I feel like a now later, right now.
00:02:16My nuts, they never met my stomach till tonight.
00:02:20Oh my God.
00:02:22What the fuck?
00:02:24He did an hour in this shit.
00:02:28Clap your hands for Eddie Murphy, the greatest comedian of all time.
00:02:33I have to pay on this to him.
00:02:35He's paid some ways for us.
00:02:38He's opened doors for a lot of comedians.
00:02:40Like myself.
00:02:42So I said, let me get the Eddie Murphy thing off.
00:02:44It took a lot.
00:02:49When they fitted me for this suit, I thought I'm going to get a colonic.
00:02:53They was all up in the ass area.
00:02:56This, I don't think I can take this bitch off.
00:03:01They got, is that my landlord?
00:03:02Oh, I thought, is this following me?
00:03:09I just want to come out and let you know that I believe pound for pound, people think it's
00:03:16Richard Pryor, Red Fox, there's a lot of names out there.
00:03:22But Eddie Murphy, pound for pound, out of all the things he's accomplished, is the best comedian of our time.
00:03:28I'm talking about he has done it.
00:03:29You name it, he has done it.
00:03:32And for me to come out here with this fucking wristband on, then you know that, God damn, I feel like I'm in court.
00:03:43I got to walk so I can breathe.
00:03:50I want to sit still, but I'll pass the fuck out.
00:03:53I got to go out and change, man.
00:03:55I got to come out as me.
00:03:57And do what I came to do.
00:04:00Kid, get me out of here, man.
00:04:03I'll be right back.
00:04:04You got one chance to go take a shit.
00:04:07I'll be right back.
00:04:08I just bought my tickets for Tony Roberts.
00:04:25Can't wait to see him.
00:04:25It's going to be a good night.
00:04:26I'm excited.
00:04:27I'm excited.
00:04:28I'm dying for something else.
00:04:30I've seen dude, I grew up watching dude, dude, ever funny.
00:04:33I'm not lying.
00:04:36Ladies and gentlemen.
00:04:38Please welcome my man, what crazy dude, Tony Roberts.
00:04:53You need your ass beat.
00:04:55You need your ass beat.
00:04:57You ball with bangs.
00:05:00You need your ass beat.
00:05:02You're in the class reunion with a G-E-T.
00:05:05You need your ass beat.
00:05:06You need your ass beat.
00:05:08You're out your damn mind.
00:05:09You need your ass beat.
00:05:11You're a top of the dance.
00:05:13You put your titties, touch your G-String.
00:05:16You need your ass beat.
00:05:18You need your ass beat.
00:05:20You got your wisdom tooth in your purse.
00:05:23You need your ass beat.
00:05:24You need your ass beat.
00:05:26You're latina motherfuckers.
00:05:29What up, y'all?
00:05:33Y'all ready to have some fun?
00:05:36You're goddamn right.
00:05:37Y'all out here dressed in all kind of shit.
00:05:40They said dressed in press.
00:05:41Some niggas came from work.
00:05:44Look at this shit.
00:05:45Look at those shoes.
00:05:46You know, they make those in new.
00:05:55Goddamn, white people laugh like the black people.
00:05:59Black people know how to laugh.
00:06:00We work hard.
00:06:01We live hard.
00:06:02We have a good time.
00:06:03We want to laugh hard.
00:06:04White people hear a good joke.
00:06:05They go like this.
00:06:06That's peculiar.
00:06:09Black people knock your tooth out of it.
00:06:11When people that heard,
00:06:11that motherfucker said peculiar.
00:06:13That nigga funny!
00:06:17Who is this nigga?
00:06:18Who is he?
00:06:20I need him for my daughter's party.
00:06:22Who is he?
00:06:24I love this town, man.
00:06:25I'm telling you.
00:06:26Because you got pride.
00:06:28People feel good about theyself.
00:06:30No matter where they're at in their life.
00:06:31I see those homeless bitches
00:06:32laying on the stove door
00:06:34with eyeshadow on.
00:06:39The bitches, you crazy?
00:06:43But she feels, she look good.
00:06:48Sacramento's so beautiful.
00:06:49I'm telling you.
00:06:52Everybody, I'm from Detroit.
00:06:53We got some bad parts in Detroit.
00:06:55Sacramento got bad parts.
00:06:56I've been out there.
00:06:57I've been in the area.
00:06:59You know the area I'm talking about.
00:07:00I've been in the old park.
00:07:03You guys damn right.
00:07:04I've seen niggas running out of the street
00:07:05with a fence in his hand.
00:07:08Ain't nobody saying shit.
00:07:09I want to talk about the silver fence
00:07:10with the gate still on it.
00:07:11The door on it.
00:07:12Bootlegs out the craze.
00:07:19They crazy out their fucking mind.
00:07:20I bought a bootleg copy
00:07:21of The Passion of the Christ.
00:07:22Took it home.
00:07:23I knew it was bootleg
00:07:24because Jesus was fighting back.
00:07:27I was like, what the fuck?
00:07:30I said, this can't be Jesus.
00:07:31He no karate.
00:07:33I looked at the box.
00:07:34It was Passion of the Chris.
00:07:36It was Chris Brown.
00:07:37This ain't even Jesus.
00:07:38I can't even get this.
00:07:41I can't buy no bootleg no more.
00:07:45I'm different.
00:07:46I go in the bank,
00:07:47I buy a roll of quarters.
00:07:49I break them bitches open
00:07:50right there and count them.
00:07:52He goes, sir, what's wrong with you?
00:07:53I said, you count my money
00:07:54when I give it to you.
00:07:5510, thank you.
00:08:03I'm gonna trust you bastards.
00:08:10I'm different.
00:08:12I ate dinner this morning.
00:08:13What the fuck?
00:08:14Steak and potatoes.
00:08:17I don't give a fuck.
00:08:18I'm different.
00:08:21I hate normal shit.
00:08:23I mean, fuck that.
00:08:24I hate it.
00:08:25I do shit.
00:08:26I got road rage so bad,
00:08:28I'm in a driveway practicing.
00:08:29I don't give a fuck.
00:08:31I got road rage greatest hits.
00:08:34Well, cut your motherfucking hands off
00:08:35if you ain't gonna use a bitch.
00:08:38Well, goddamn, Mr. Flintstone,
00:08:40can you drive faster?
00:08:41I'm in a patient.
00:08:46I'll be in the DMV
00:08:47arguing at this lady.
00:08:48Why do I need ID
00:08:49to get ID, bitch?
00:08:52If I had ID,
00:08:53I wouldn't be in this line.
00:08:55Let me see a supervisor, bitch.
00:08:59I'm from Detroit, Michigan.
00:09:00We are black people
00:09:01and white people.
00:09:01We ain't got all these nationalities.
00:09:03We don't have them.
00:09:04We ain't mixed up.
00:09:04Y'all got mixed up.
00:09:05I seen a boy with good hair
00:09:06and nappy eyebrows.
00:09:09Every time he do this,
00:09:10it hurts.
00:09:11Stop looking surprised,
00:09:13nappy eyebrow motherfucker.
00:09:16Y'all got the Filipinos,
00:09:18the Asians,
00:09:18the white,
00:09:19the Arabs,
00:09:20the Arabics,
00:09:21whatever the fuck you call them.
00:09:23Y'all mixing it up.
00:09:24It's only four races in this world.
00:09:26I don't give a fuck.
00:09:27Black, white,
00:09:28Chinese, and Mexican.
00:09:29You fall under one of them categories.
00:09:32Forget all this other mixed shit.
00:09:35I'm Puerto Rican.
00:09:36Get your Mexican ass over there
00:09:38and build that driveway.
00:09:39You Mexican.
00:09:44I'm from Venezuela.
00:09:46Bet you if you don't get your Mexican ass
00:09:49back to Home Depot,
00:09:51they're fucking around.
00:09:55I'm from Australia.
00:09:56Get your nosey white ass.
00:09:58Over there,
00:09:59tell on some people.
00:10:01Go in there,
00:10:01feed the sharks with your white ass.
00:10:02I'm Australian.
00:10:05White,
00:10:05black,
00:10:06Chinese,
00:10:06and Mexican.
00:10:09My girl Filipino.
00:10:10She's talking about,
00:10:10I'm Filipino.
00:10:10No, you ain't.
00:10:12You Chinese.
00:10:13Rice is rice.
00:10:16It's rice.
00:10:19You this tall,
00:10:20you talk shit.
00:10:21You make the fuck out some rice.
00:10:23If you're Filipino,
00:10:26you're Chinese.
00:10:27Mexican,
00:10:28black,
00:10:28I'm from Nigeria.
00:10:30Get,
00:10:30nigga,
00:10:30if you don't vote,
00:10:32get your black ass.
00:10:33I don't care where you're from.
00:10:34Look at your skin.
00:10:35Look at your hair.
00:10:37Hair napping like an airplane tire.
00:10:40Get your black ass over there
00:10:41and read.
00:10:45Black,
00:10:45white,
00:10:45Chinese,
00:10:46and Mexican.
00:10:46I don't know why y'all mixing this shit up.
00:10:49Separate.
00:10:52Kill me with this shit.
00:10:56You can't even trust nobody no more.
00:10:58I'm gonna get a bomb some money.
00:11:00He laying on the ground.
00:11:01I don't get crackhead's money.
00:11:02Nuh-uh.
00:11:02I know you're a crackhead.
00:11:03You try to wipe your sweater off
00:11:04and look regular.
00:11:07I know you're the crackhead.
00:11:08You don't want any nigga
00:11:09dancing to saucy music.
00:11:10Ain't no music playing.
00:11:11Get the fuck out of here.
00:11:18I'm gonna give a bomb some money.
00:11:19I ain't giving him 50 cents.
00:11:20I'm getting my blessings on.
00:11:21I'm giving this motherfucker $3.
00:11:24Boom!
00:11:24$3 feathered in his lap.
00:11:26This nigga phone rang.
00:11:29I said,
00:11:29you motherfucker!
00:11:35You ever kick a bomb?
00:11:37Shit fly out of his jacket
00:11:38you ain't never seen.
00:11:39Pencils,
00:11:39pictures of other people,
00:11:40birth certificates,
00:11:42lint,
00:11:42fleas.
00:11:44I'm tired of crazy motherfuckers.
00:11:46You wanna be crazy?
00:11:47I'm crazy too.
00:11:49If these motherfuckers
00:11:50come to you,
00:11:50homeless people,
00:11:51running up on you,
00:11:51these motherfucking bums,
00:11:53play crazy with their ass.
00:11:54That's what I do.
00:11:55I'm sitting there just chilling.
00:11:56This bum come to me.
00:11:57Hey, hey.
00:11:58I know he's a bum
00:11:58cause he's on six hoodies
00:11:59and a sweater vest
00:12:00over the hoodie.
00:12:02And he smell like
00:12:03the bottom of a birdcage.
00:12:05This nigga stink.
00:12:06Have some Hello Kitty house shoes.
00:12:10I don't give a fuck.
00:12:11I got time for that shit.
00:12:12He goes,
00:12:12you know who I am?
00:12:13I said,
00:12:13Jesus.
00:12:16That's who you're gonna tell me you are.
00:12:19Dusty bastard.
00:12:22I'm sick of this shit.
00:12:24You ever did some dumb shit?
00:12:26Let's talk about stupid shit.
00:12:27I spent $475
00:12:29in a 99 cent store.
00:12:32I couldn't stop
00:12:33picking shit up.
00:12:35Everybody in here
00:12:36that walked in a 99 cent store
00:12:37for the first time
00:12:38said the same thing.
00:12:39Ain't no fucking way
00:12:40all this is 99 cent.
00:12:43Ain't no fucking way.
00:12:44All this...
00:12:46Oh, hell no.
00:12:47I gotta call somebody.
00:12:50Everything ain't 99 cent.
00:12:51You can buy 15
00:12:52in everything.
00:12:54Woo!
00:12:54Give me all these motherfuckers.
00:12:56Woo!
00:12:58I'm pushing my cart
00:12:59like a car out of gas.
00:13:04Cause I don't want
00:13:05to take a 99 cent store
00:13:06and spend a thousand
00:13:07goddamn dollars.
00:13:10You ever try
00:13:11to catch a fly?
00:13:13This the dumbest shit
00:13:14in the world.
00:13:14You ever try
00:13:14to catch a fly?
00:13:16You feel like
00:13:16you gotta act like the fly
00:13:17to catch the motherfucker.
00:13:19You ever see the fly
00:13:20and get your newspaper
00:13:21and you end up like this?
00:13:22You don't see the fly
00:13:31on the table.
00:13:32You sneak up on it
00:13:33like it's human.
00:13:38Who's the stupid ass?
00:13:41You ain't got time
00:13:41for that dumb shit.
00:13:44You do stupid shit.
00:13:45When you floss
00:13:46and get the meat
00:13:46out your teeth,
00:13:47do you eat the meat?
00:13:48Oh, whatever.
00:13:51Whatever.
00:13:51I'm the only thing
00:13:52that eat the meat.
00:13:54You eat the meat,
00:13:55white man.
00:13:58I see some big people
00:13:59here know
00:13:59what I'm talking about.
00:14:01They get all the meat
00:14:02out their teeth
00:14:02at one time
00:14:03and put it back
00:14:03in the bread.
00:14:05You eat the meat,
00:14:06you eat the meat.
00:14:10I see some women
00:14:14in here looking good.
00:14:15I like dark women.
00:14:17I like them dark.
00:14:19My woman's Filipino.
00:14:21I like dark.
00:14:22When I like them black women,
00:14:22I like them like this.
00:14:24I like them.
00:14:24But you can't get
00:14:25the hickey in your neck.
00:14:27They take too long.
00:14:31I'm putting a hickey
00:14:31in one girl's neck.
00:14:32I'm sucking for 20 minutes.
00:14:34Nothing.
00:14:34I burned her neck
00:14:35with a lighter.
00:14:37She's like,
00:14:37what's wrong?
00:14:37I'm purple.
00:14:39I'm purple.
00:14:40You better take your time.
00:14:44Do what the fuck you do.
00:14:45There's some young people
00:14:46in here.
00:14:46What's up, young ass?
00:14:48I hate kids.
00:14:51I got three at home.
00:14:52I can't stand them.
00:14:54I'm going to burn
00:14:54a kid's feet for the truth.
00:14:55I'll turn them
00:14:56to this goddamn chair.
00:14:58I will abuse a kid.
00:15:00Who was wishing
00:15:01when you broke the lamp?
00:15:02Who was...
00:15:03You're going to learn,
00:15:04motherfucker.
00:15:04You're going to tell
00:15:04when your pinky toe
00:15:06fry off,
00:15:07you motherfucker.
00:15:10That's how I was raised.
00:15:15Ain't got time.
00:15:16My mama ain't got time
00:15:17for this.
00:15:18Who got the old school mama?
00:15:19Who got the old school mama
00:15:20will come in here
00:15:21right now
00:15:22and look for you,
00:15:24find you,
00:15:25and slap you in your mouth
00:15:26in front of your friends.
00:15:27Who got that mama?
00:15:30Was you that mama?
00:15:31Shit, my mama come here
00:15:32right now.
00:15:32Excuse me, baby.
00:15:33Pardon me.
00:15:33Excuse me.
00:15:34You left the fucking iron on.
00:15:37You left the goddamn iron on,
00:15:39Tony.
00:15:43My mama don't give a fuck.
00:15:46That's what we need to do.
00:15:47We got punk-ass parents today.
00:15:49Scared of the kids.
00:15:51I thump a kid in a tooth
00:15:52right in front of her fucking teacher.
00:15:55Well, she is.
00:15:56No, let me miss.
00:15:57Bam!
00:15:57Do your fucking homework.
00:16:00I'm going to kick a kid's ass.
00:16:03Kick these kids
00:16:04with their pants down.
00:16:06Ass out.
00:16:07What the fuck is that about?
00:16:09They can't even walk.
00:16:10They got to walk like this
00:16:11because their pants down.
00:16:13The belt on the hamstring
00:16:14is down here.
00:16:15They're doing this shit.
00:16:16We need to start
00:16:17an organization right now.
00:16:18We need to take back
00:16:19our community.
00:16:21God damn it.
00:16:23If your nephew and your son
00:16:24going out,
00:16:25his pants down,
00:16:25his ass out,
00:16:26he won't listen to you.
00:16:27You call the organization.
00:16:29My son is going out
00:16:31with his pants down.
00:16:32He won't listen to me.
00:16:33Ma'am,
00:16:33we got his location.
00:16:34Hang up.
00:16:36Six big football players
00:16:38walking outside
00:16:38with tight bubble vests on
00:16:40with skull caps.
00:16:41They naked with socks
00:16:42on their dick.
00:16:44They looking for your son.
00:16:46His ass out.
00:16:47That's what he want.
00:16:48Yeah,
00:16:51where he at?
00:16:52He walking all cool,
00:16:53his ass out.
00:16:55Cheeks juggling.
00:16:57He and somebody go,
00:16:58hey,
00:16:58he look,
00:16:59they come to the ass eaters.
00:17:01That's what they call them,
00:17:02ass eaters.
00:17:03They about to eat that ass.
00:17:05They chase your son down,
00:17:07they turn him over,
00:17:08they put his pants down,
00:17:09if this was what he want.
00:17:11They take the sock off their dick,
00:17:12they put the dick around his butt,
00:17:13then they stop.
00:17:14You gonna put your pants up tomorrow?
00:17:15Yep.
00:17:16I swear to God,
00:17:18I'm a boy.
00:17:19Next day,
00:17:20he got his pants up here
00:17:21with a rope around his shit
00:17:23and suspenders.
00:17:26Because the ass eaters
00:17:27are out there,
00:17:28people.
00:17:32We should have
00:17:33kick a kid ass day.
00:17:34You ain't got to know him.
00:17:38You're in the red light.
00:17:39You see kids fucking up.
00:17:40What the fuck?
00:17:42Bam, bam, bam, bam.
00:17:44What the fucker?
00:17:49Yo,
00:17:49I just kicked two kids' ass.
00:17:51I don't know
00:17:51who the fuck they were.
00:17:54Just kick a kid ass day.
00:17:55Everybody love their mama.
00:18:02If you had a hard mama,
00:18:03you better love her more.
00:18:04Because you sitting in this chair right now,
00:18:06you ain't dead or in jail
00:18:06because you was getting your ass beat.
00:18:11Right, ladies?
00:18:12You grew up getting your ass beat?
00:18:14Mm-mm.
00:18:15Time out.
00:18:17This is my mama time out.
00:18:18You motherfucker.
00:18:20You motherfucker.
00:18:21Motherfucker.
00:18:21Time out.
00:18:22Time out.
00:18:22Time out.
00:18:23Time in, motherfuckers.
00:18:31Time out.
00:18:34Mama does hard.
00:18:36One day I was sick.
00:18:37I said, ma, I got the pink eye.
00:18:38She said, you better wear
00:18:39a pink shirt with it.
00:18:40You better get the fuck out of here.
00:18:41You're going to school.
00:18:43You got the pink eye, mama.
00:18:48You think you're getting
00:18:49a Halloween outfit?
00:18:50You think you're getting a mask?
00:18:51You can hang it up.
00:18:53Hell, no.
00:18:55Getting too sick around your eyes.
00:18:57You a raccoon tonight, motherfucker.
00:19:00Don't go to the door.
00:19:01Go on, the people garbage.
00:19:04Because you a motherfucking raccoon.
00:19:11I had the real mama, goddammit.
00:19:15My mother didn't have no chance,
00:19:16no time for no babysitter.
00:19:17We had no money.
00:19:18She go to the club, leave me in the car.
00:19:19She don't give a fuck.
00:19:21I'm in the car in the alley, coloring.
00:19:25I ain't got no crayon.
00:19:27I got eyebrow-pressed lipstick.
00:19:28Everything ain't black and red.
00:19:30My mama will be back in two hours.
00:19:35Somebody can relate what I'm fucking talking about.
00:19:38Somebody with their mama right now,
00:19:39staring at them like,
00:19:40you did this shit to me.
00:19:41I ain't seen my mama without a wig on
00:19:46until I was eight years old.
00:19:48I thought it was her goddamn hair.
00:19:50I ain't never seen her without a wig on.
00:19:52She was chasing me outside.
00:19:53I ran under this tree branch.
00:19:54The tree branch caught her hair
00:19:55and ripped her hair back.
00:19:56I thought it was her brain.
00:19:57I said,
00:19:57mama's in the hospital.
00:20:01She's like,
00:20:01boy, what ain't wrong with you?
00:20:03I just collapsed.
00:20:04I'm eight years old.
00:20:05I can't take this shit.
00:20:07My mama's a goddamn alien.
00:20:09You can talk with your brain now?
00:20:11Oh, motherfucker.
00:20:13Where you come from, alien bitch?
00:20:16You're not my mama.
00:20:21Where's the blood at?
00:20:23What the fuck is going on?
00:20:24I'm only eight.
00:20:24I don't know these things.
00:20:27Son of a bitch.
00:20:30Give me a break.
00:20:38Who over 35?
00:20:41Remember you had to be at home
00:20:42before the street lights come on?
00:20:44You goddamn right.
00:20:45I'd like to see a lot of people going,
00:20:46yeah.
00:20:47You ain't got to be home.
00:20:48You ain't got to be in the house.
00:20:49You got to be on the porch.
00:20:51But you don't give a fuck.
00:20:51Them lights come on.
00:20:52You never hear the lights.
00:20:54You just playing.
00:20:55Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:20:55You it.
00:20:56You it.
00:20:57All of a sudden you see the light.
00:20:58What the, when the fuck that happened?
00:21:00You ain't nowhere near the house.
00:21:02It don't come on right away.
00:21:03Turn blue and start trickling
00:21:04like it's trying to come on.
00:21:05I got time, goddamn.
00:21:07You take your...
00:21:08We were tough back there.
00:21:10Kids today, weak as shit.
00:21:12Riding bikes with helmets on
00:21:14and mouthpieces
00:21:15and shoulder pads.
00:21:16What the fuck you doing with a helmet on?
00:21:19If you got a helmet on,
00:21:20you riding a bike, guess what?
00:21:22You fucking retarded.
00:21:24You don't need nobody.
00:21:25You need a nurse, goddamn it.
00:21:29Bike with shoulder pads,
00:21:31a helmet.
00:21:31I rode a bike
00:21:31with one training wheel missing.
00:21:33I rode a different sideways.
00:21:35I don't give a fuck.
00:21:35We were tough back then.
00:21:38I'm running home.
00:21:39This is how tough we were.
00:21:39I'm running home.
00:21:41I ran out in the street.
00:21:42I wasn't paying attention.
00:21:42I got hit by a car.
00:21:43Bam!
00:21:44It knocked me into a parked car.
00:21:45Old lady came up.
00:21:46Baby, let me help you.
00:21:47I said, I ain't got time for you, bitch.
00:21:50Mama, I'm gonna kick my ass.
00:21:51I ain't got time for this shit.
00:21:52Nothing wrong with me, bitch.
00:21:52For some eternal bleeding.
00:21:56You make it home just in time.
00:21:57Mama, I'm here, mama.
00:21:58I'm here, I'm here.
00:22:00My hand on the step, mama.
00:22:01I swear to God, I was here.
00:22:04My mama got the kitchen laying,
00:22:06ripped off with the nails in the front.
00:22:07You better have made this, motherfucker.
00:22:16Because I believe in the pop and teach method.
00:22:18You pop and then you teach.
00:22:21People try to teach their kids,
00:22:22yelling at them.
00:22:23I don't yell at the kid, but one time.
00:22:25You gotta pop them, teach them.
00:22:27You gotta see them, bam!
00:22:29Then teach them,
00:22:30stay the fuck off the ground.
00:22:34Kids don't learn when you teach first.
00:22:36Make them think you psychic.
00:22:39You got a son home right now,
00:22:40sleeping, he five years old.
00:22:41Move the nanny out the way.
00:22:42Wake him up like this.
00:22:43Flake the fuck up.
00:22:46What'd I do?
00:22:46Two days ago, think about it.
00:22:53You gotta be ahead of your child.
00:22:56I'm talking about kids.
00:22:56Like, I got two in the trunk right now,
00:22:58don't I?
00:22:59I will burn this ass, I swear to God.
00:23:02Y'all smoke weed?
00:23:03You smoke weed?
00:23:05He looking like, yeah.
00:23:06The police right here, goddammit.
00:23:09You ain't gonna make it home.
00:23:10You about to get high.
00:23:10I can't use, I can't smoke weed.
00:23:14All my boys smoke weed.
00:23:15I can't, I can't, uh-uh.
00:23:18Two pups.
00:23:19I was fucked up.
00:23:22I went to my job and called off.
00:23:23I'm in the lobby.
00:23:26Yeah, this ain't gonna happen for me today.
00:23:29Why are you here?
00:23:30I'm here?
00:23:32Shit.
00:23:32I'll call you right back, man.
00:23:33This is bullshit.
00:23:35I forgot not to go to work.
00:23:36I ain't know what to eat.
00:23:39I'm in the bathroom.
00:23:40Locked myself in the bathroom with a taco shell with pancake mix and M&M's in it.
00:23:43I'm cutting the onion over Snickers.
00:23:47I don't give a fuck.
00:23:49This shit look good as shit.
00:23:51Cornflakes all around it.
00:23:52I'm about to eat my ass off.
00:23:53Let's see.
00:23:55I got so high, I went and told the police where I got it from.
00:23:57I'm in a car with the police.
00:24:00I'm in a backseat.
00:24:01Officer, second house off the corner.
00:24:02That's where he got it from.
00:24:03They sell it every day.
00:24:05Look at my hand.
00:24:06I've been like this until I smoked that shit.
00:24:07Look, I can't put a stop to that shit, officer.
00:24:10Bad boy, bad boy.
00:24:11What you gonna do?
00:24:14They didn't bring a nigga to the car.
00:24:15I don't told her.
00:24:16Don't bring him here, dumbass.
00:24:18I'm like, I'm caught.
00:24:19What's up, Jay?
00:24:19They got me too.
00:24:23Son of a bitches.
00:24:25Can't be trusting nobody in the dope game.
00:24:29Smoke that weed.
00:24:30They smoking blunts now.
00:24:32Big ass blunts this big.
00:24:33I'm back in the day when they had joints.
00:24:36Six people in this little motherfucker.
00:24:38He getting fucked up.
00:24:41This shit is good.
00:24:43Nobody smoking.
00:24:50One blunt by yourself.
00:24:52They don't even look high.
00:24:53They said, what do you want to do now?
00:24:54I said, let's go to the hospital.
00:24:55Shit.
00:24:58One time I was supposed to join by myself in the house.
00:25:00My heart said, boom, boom, boom.
00:25:01I would answer the door.
00:25:02Who is it?
00:25:04What the fuck is going on?
00:25:07The fuck?
00:25:08Is that my heart?
00:25:09Shit.
00:25:11I'm going to give a shout out to this motherfucker.
00:25:15Look at this watch.
00:25:19Come on, dude.
00:25:23Look at this shit here.
00:25:25I ain't took it off in four days.
00:25:28They tried to baptize me.
00:25:30You go to church, get baptized.
00:25:31Just watch out.
00:25:32You can't let the bitch hit the water.
00:25:34Soon they dip you.
00:25:35Your hand got to stay up like this.
00:25:38Thank you, Red.
00:25:41This bitch is cold.
00:25:43He think he's getting it back.
00:25:45When I say goodnight, I got an airplane.
00:25:48I got a car taking me to the airport right now.
00:25:50This is going to be some bullshit.
00:25:53I see a lot of people hugged up.
00:25:55I'm telling you, I'm from Detroit.
00:25:56I've been watching you women.
00:25:57You women are so thick and nice.
00:26:00Even in Oakland and in Sacramento.
00:26:02Look at their ass.
00:26:03I hate skinny ass bitches.
00:26:06Ass is like two knuckles.
00:26:09They walk and want you to look.
00:26:11They're like somebody shooting dice.
00:26:13The ass is all over the place.
00:26:15You're talking to your boy.
00:26:15This bitch walks past.
00:26:16All you hear is clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.
00:26:20If you got a big ass, let it be big.
00:26:23Let it be thick.
00:26:25Look at mama right here.
00:26:27You was killing them back in the day.
00:26:28Just killing their ass.
00:26:30Ernestine was in the house.
00:26:34Don't let these skinny girls make you feel bad because you got a big ass.
00:26:36Flomp that bitch like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
00:26:44Knock that bitch down with that ass.
00:26:47I live in L.A. also.
00:26:48I got an apartment in L.A.
00:26:50These are how the women look at L.A.
00:26:54I walk past.
00:26:55Excuse me, bitch.
00:26:58I need a real woman.
00:26:59I got an aunt.
00:27:01She big as shit in Detroit.
00:27:03She don't give a fuck.
00:27:04490.
00:27:05They be fighting over her.
00:27:06She a diva.
00:27:07She got a microwave in the bathroom.
00:27:09She don't give a fuck.
00:27:11She on the toilet heating up Hot Pockets.
00:27:14Bam!
00:27:14You got to be a bad bitch to eat on the toilet.
00:27:19How do you push and swallow?
00:27:22God damn it.
00:27:23You don't know the fuck you do.
00:27:25Ain't no ordinary person do that shit.
00:27:28This bitch.
00:27:33She be in the club dancing doing this shit.
00:27:36You don't see none of this moving.
00:27:37You just...
00:27:38I love my family, man.
00:27:54I got an uncle.
00:27:55His motherfucking ass stupid.
00:27:56He think his funeral's not gonna go right.
00:28:00He got a whole list of shit he want done with his funeral.
00:28:02I said, look here, dude.
00:28:03When your heart starts, you're going in the oven.
00:28:05I'm burning you.
00:28:05I ain't got time for this shit.
00:28:07A funeral will take a whole week to do.
00:28:09And $1,000, $10,000.
00:28:11I got $800.
00:28:12This nigga got an oven.
00:28:13That's all we need.
00:28:15This nigga bought a casket that he owned today.
00:28:18Rented a funeral home out and had her own funeral.
00:28:21Made us view his body.
00:28:22He in the casket.
00:28:22Lay in the casket looking at us.
00:28:24Go ahead.
00:28:25Keep it going.
00:28:25Looking good.
00:28:26Why you ain't crying, Tony?
00:28:28Because you're looking at me, motherfucker.
00:28:30Hate your weird ass.
00:28:33Fuck.
00:28:34Make the family look bad.
00:28:37Keep a little shit.
00:28:42My grandfather old.
00:28:44Old people, I love them.
00:28:46They make me laugh.
00:28:47Old people make you laugh?
00:28:49Oh, shit.
00:28:49My grandmother fell down the stairs.
00:28:53I ain't lying.
00:28:54I cracked the fuck up.
00:28:55Not because I don't love her.
00:28:56Because she talked the whole way down.
00:28:58Lord have mercy.
00:28:58Jesus.
00:28:59Holy God.
00:29:00Somebody grab my hand.
00:29:01This don't make no sense.
00:29:02Please, God.
00:29:03How many stairs in this bitch?
00:29:06Lord have mercy.
00:29:07I love my grandmother.
00:29:16My grandfather, 90.
00:29:19He got sounds in his car.
00:29:20He spent $11,000.
00:29:22He got 15 speakers.
00:29:23Wolf was a tweeter in a trunk.
00:29:25He's 90.
00:29:25He's about to be in a nursing home.
00:29:26What the fuck you doing with sounds?
00:29:28You get in this car.
00:29:29You ever heard Al Green real loud?
00:29:31Nigga.
00:29:33So you get in the car.
00:29:34Back, back, back, back, back, back.
00:29:37And then, then, then, then, then, then.
00:29:39Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
00:29:50He be in the car.
00:29:51I don't hear shit.
00:29:53Because you got hair in your ears, motherfucker.
00:29:54You got damn right you don't feel you don't hear shit.
00:29:58What the fuck going on?
00:30:00I can't wait to get this shit.
00:30:02Get my move on tonight.
00:30:05When are you going to bring pop-locking back?
00:30:10I'll be the only nigga doing this in the club.
00:30:11Shit.
00:30:13I'll be having white gloves on.
00:30:14Wait for a bitch to ask me to dance.
00:30:19You're going to whisper that shit.
00:30:20You want to dance?
00:30:20You done fucked up, bitch.
00:30:24Eat your head.
00:30:32Yes, sir.
00:30:39My signature move, when I, I was on, you got served.
00:30:46They keep cutting me out.
00:30:47Because I don't want too much of this shit.
00:30:50I did shit.
00:30:52I was at eight.
00:30:54I was a 293rd guy in the movie 300.
00:30:59I was way in the back.
00:31:01Because I ain't had the abs.
00:31:02I had the drawers and the cake, though.
00:31:05They ran out of spears with me.
00:31:06I was back there with a cigarette.
00:31:08Spartus!
00:31:11Cold as fuck out here.
00:31:14Get your shit right.
00:31:17See, people coupled up.
00:31:18Y'all can't really have sex.
00:31:19Serial killer.
00:31:23You see a bald-haired white dude, he's like a serial killer.
00:31:25I ain't gonna fuck.
00:31:27He kill you and keep you.
00:31:33You ever made a sex tape with your girl and watched it?
00:31:37She don't know about it?
00:31:38You a freaky motherfucker.
00:31:39Oh, shit, I gotta try that shit.
00:31:44Fellas, you make a sex tape with your girl, do not watch yourself fucking.
00:31:47When you having sex, you feel sexy.
00:31:50You feel good.
00:31:51You think you're doing good.
00:31:53Watch yourself on tape.
00:31:54Don't fuck with it if you ain't been to the gym.
00:31:56Because they're gonna fuck yourself esteem up.
00:31:57Don't look at yourself esteem up.
00:32:00So we made the day I threw it in.
00:32:02I'm like, bitch, who the fuck is he?
00:32:05This nigga here.
00:32:07You ain't never seen your ass on the back.
00:32:09You don't know how you look.
00:32:10I got two dents in my shit.
00:32:12I ain't never seen him before.
00:32:13I ain't know who this guy was.
00:32:14Bitch, you cheating on me?
00:32:16I'm hitting it from the side.
00:32:17I said, bitch, you pregnant?
00:32:18She said, nigga, that's you.
00:32:19I got the kangaroo.
00:32:27This is her ass.
00:32:28I'm my stomach on the ass.
00:32:39I took the DVD to the gym that night.
00:32:43The trainer said, what you want to work on now?
00:32:44I said, nigga, look at me.
00:32:45What you mean what I want to work on?
00:32:47I look a goddamn panda.
00:32:48Look at this shit.
00:32:50I need crunches.
00:32:57It ain't here.
00:33:01What the hell do I want?
00:33:02I need crunches, goddamn it.
00:33:05Fuck that.
00:33:06If you over 35 right now, you know what this is.
00:33:09Stamina.
00:33:12Who can understand this?
00:33:13You know how long I can do this?
00:33:17Two hours of this.
00:33:18You're getting old-school music.
00:33:22Cold.
00:33:23Toot, toot, toot.
00:33:23Toot, bloody.
00:33:25Freeze.
00:33:26Toot, toot, toot.
00:33:29You can go all over the room.
00:33:30Bring your ass back right here, though.
00:33:33That's what you're getting.
00:33:35You young dudes ought to be fucking off sideways.
00:33:38Picking bitches up.
00:33:39Uh-uh.
00:33:40Uh-uh.
00:33:40You're getting this.
00:33:41This is very effective.
00:33:53Many women have cooked me breakfast because of that.
00:33:57You want some of that, mama?
00:33:58I'm sick of this shit.
00:34:06Motherfuckers act like they the king.
00:34:08Be, don't be something you ain't.
00:34:10Fellas, old school.
00:34:11It's old school over here.
00:34:12Stay in your bracket, goddamn it.
00:34:14Young cats be sitting over girls like this.
00:34:17One hand.
00:34:18Yeah.
00:34:18Yeah.
00:34:18I tried this.
00:34:23I'm going to put my girl like this.
00:34:24My arm getting a shake of this shit.
00:34:27I got a makeup shit.
00:34:28Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
00:34:30Oh, God, my arm burning.
00:34:33Get on top.
00:34:34This is the bullshit.
00:34:37I can't even hold it.
00:34:38My arm down like this.
00:34:40Like some Christmas decoration.
00:34:43I'm like that green thing on Yo Gabba Gabba.
00:34:48I'm just saying, if you old school, be old school.
00:35:02Do that dumb shit.
00:35:03You know how to do it.
00:35:04You doing this shit, you getting tired.
00:35:06You know you about to get yours.
00:35:07You know, it's smooth.
00:35:08You can.
00:35:10You want to get up and try to move.
00:35:12And she just keep grabbing you.
00:35:13Let me go.
00:35:14Let me go.
00:35:16You don't want this right now.
00:35:18Yeah, I want this.
00:35:28I like older women, too.
00:35:29I like them real old.
00:35:30I'll hit a woman like this.
00:35:31Oh, you kissing this pussy.
00:35:46I'm like, share that oxygen with me, girl.
00:35:59Come on.
00:36:01Give me some of that helium.
00:36:04You getting fucked up while we fucking.
00:36:06I don't like women too young.
00:36:10These young girls get you put in jail.
00:36:12They'll fuck your night up in one world.
00:36:13You like that, young girl?
00:36:15You like that?
00:36:15Yes, mister!
00:36:16I know you ain't coming no goddamn mister.
00:36:26Get your shoes with the lights on the back.
00:36:27Get the fuck out of here.
00:36:28Oh, this bitch.
00:36:31I knew the Mickey Mouse tattoo was a different.
00:36:35It was a goddamn...
00:36:36I shouldn't have did it.
00:36:36I don't know what they feeding these young girls today.
00:36:42Fellas, you have been in the red light.
00:36:45Man of your business.
00:36:47Three high school girls, seniors, walk out with backpacks and fat asses.
00:36:51You like, what the fuck is this?
00:36:56You like, you be talking to yourself.
00:36:58Oh, look at this, look at this.
00:37:00Walk that walk, big bitch.
00:37:01Look at this.
00:37:02What they feeding, what they putting in the milk today.
00:37:04Look at this.
00:37:05Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:37:07Lord, that mercy.
00:37:08Anything up with you, you can watch.
00:37:11Soon you turn your hair, you're going to jail.
00:37:14You are going to jail.
00:37:16The police don't give a fuck.
00:37:17That's wrong with the police in this town.
00:37:21I don't know how they do in the South Sac.
00:37:23They must be busy out there.
00:37:24Because they ain't doing shit in Rancho Cordova.
00:37:25I live out there.
00:37:26They so bored.
00:37:27These motherfuckers stopping each other.
00:37:30Why are you going so fast?
00:37:31I'm in pursuit.
00:37:32Tell it to the judge, nigga.
00:37:35I'm bored as shit out there.
00:37:39I love it out there.
00:37:40Fat asses, everything.
00:37:44I fly a lot.
00:37:44I'm going to fly tomorrow.
00:37:50I don't trust motherfuckers no more.
00:37:52Especially the airline.
00:37:53They letting anybody through.
00:37:55They strip searched me to the point.
00:37:57I thought they were going to rape me.
00:38:00This bitch at the gate.
00:38:01You don't know who this bitch is.
00:38:17I don't care.
00:38:18We on high alert.
00:38:20Fuck that religion.
00:38:21You got to snap this shit off her head and look at her.
00:38:24Sorry, bitch.
00:38:25You can't get on.
00:38:25Looking like a superhero.
00:38:26I'm sorry.
00:38:28I need to see your chin, bitch.
00:38:29Don't get smart with me.
00:38:31Clear your throat over there, ma'am.
00:38:45Watch her ass.
00:38:47I'm on a plane with her.
00:38:48I wish you would have gone to the bathroom twice.
00:38:50Second time, she go to the bathroom.
00:38:54Get out.
00:38:55She got something.
00:38:57She got three bags of peanuts and some lemon on the floor.
00:38:59This bitch good.
00:39:01Land the plane.
00:39:02Land the plane.
00:39:03This bitch about to blow us up.
00:39:06She's got lotion.
00:39:08They don't let you on with lotion because you're going to blow us up.
00:39:11Lotion.
00:39:13We're getting too fucking paranoid.
00:39:15You let this bitch all on the plane.
00:39:17I can't take lotion on the plane.
00:39:21Because I'm going to blow it up.
00:39:23With some goddamn jergens, I'm going to blow it up.
00:39:28I can't wait to set this fucking lotion on fire.
00:39:34The shit keep going out and the matches keep going out.
00:39:37Because lotion is not flammable.
00:39:41Son of a bitch.
00:39:45This bitch got a knife in her stockings.
00:39:47What do you think is in here?
00:39:53Plans.
00:39:58You take this bitch off.
00:40:05Tackle that bitch.
00:40:09I'm going to tell you the smallest place in the world.
00:40:11The airplane bathroom.
00:40:12You ever been in one?
00:40:13Niggas.
00:40:14Soon you walk in the bathroom.
00:40:15Everything right here.
00:40:25You trying to pull your dick out.
00:40:30You come out the bathroom like this.
00:40:36They need to expand this motherfucker.
00:40:38I flew from London to L.A.
00:40:44Non-stop.
00:40:45Non-stop.
00:40:4614 hours.
00:40:47Took two tired and all p.m.
00:40:48Let me tell you how tough these motherfuckers are.
00:40:51You don't yawn.
00:40:51You don't get no warning or nothing.
00:40:54You be talking to somebody.
00:40:55Yeah, no.
00:40:55Because I have.
00:41:00Dude, this motherfucker is comatose.
00:41:02I don't sleep so hard.
00:41:03I woke up on a nigga's chest like this.
00:41:06I woke up.
00:41:07What the fuck?
00:41:10What you doing here?
00:41:14Say my butt in somebody.
00:41:16Just some bullshit.
00:41:17I ain't even sitting there no more.
00:41:20I'm in the eye way giving out drinks with this bitch.
00:41:22There you go.
00:41:24You want some tea?
00:41:25You want some tea?
00:41:26She said, sir, you don't have to do this.
00:41:28Just the fuck I do.
00:41:29I'm about to get molested and you don't give a fuck.
00:41:33No, bitch.
00:41:34I didn't write that love letter.
00:41:35That ain't my handwriting.
00:41:37Sick of you niggas out there.
00:41:39Let anything happen to me.
00:41:41I'm Twittering on the plane.
00:41:48I like to do it in the morning.
00:41:49I get my Twitter on.
00:41:50Tweet and shit.
00:41:52Cut your phone off.
00:41:53The plane about to leave.
00:41:54Yeah, I think you still got a little time.
00:41:56Old white lady writes,
00:41:57sir, you have to cut your phone off.
00:42:01I said, it's your fucking plane, bitch.
00:42:05Nosey bitch at 12B.
00:42:08Angry face.
00:42:11You shut the fuck up.
00:42:16You got time for this shit.
00:42:20Some people don't like to fly.
00:42:21I'm superstitious.
00:42:22I hate that superstitious shit.
00:42:24I'm sweeping my feet.
00:42:24I'm going to jail.
00:42:25You got warrants.
00:42:32I'm in an exit row.
00:42:33The lady going to ask me,
00:42:34you going to help me with the door
00:42:35in case of an emergency?
00:42:36I'm like, no, bitch.
00:42:37That's your job.
00:42:38What the fuck do you mean?
00:42:38I'm going to help the door.
00:42:39You got the wings.
00:42:40You got your training.
00:42:42The fuck?
00:42:42I can't help you with the door.
00:42:43You let this plane start going down.
00:42:45I'm going to start fucking all the women
00:42:46I get my hands on
00:42:47before we crash.
00:42:50We crash it.
00:42:51Oh, shit.
00:42:51We crash it.
00:43:01We crash it.
00:43:02We crash it.
00:43:02We crash it.
00:43:02We crash it.
00:43:04We crash it.
00:43:06We crash it.
00:43:06We crash it.
00:43:10People, we crash it.
00:43:14God damn it.
00:43:14Somebody fuck somebody, please.
00:43:20I'm eating ass and everything.
00:43:22Up in the ass.
00:43:22I don't usually eat ass.
00:43:24But this day, we dying.
00:43:27Who going to tell?
00:43:29I ate some ass.
00:43:30So what?
00:43:31We about to burn.
00:43:34You would eat some ass, too.
00:43:35I got bad luck, though.
00:43:39I'm going to be having sex with somebody.
00:43:40They're going to say,
00:43:40this is your pilot.
00:43:41We've gained control of the plane.
00:43:42Everything okay.
00:43:46Sorry, ma'am.
00:43:47Sorry.
00:43:47I thought we were dying.
00:43:48Bitch, I said I'm sorry.
00:43:49I didn't want you either.
00:43:50They play too much.
00:43:51I got to get the meat out of my teeth.
00:44:04And eat it.
00:44:08We laying.
00:44:08I got five rape charges.
00:44:11But this mother going to be a hero.
00:44:13Fuck that.
00:44:15I'm in court trying to represent myself.
00:44:17You know, I know we was all nervous.
00:44:19We was all fucking somebody.
00:44:20It wasn't just me.
00:44:22They lying on me.
00:44:25Shit.
00:44:33I got a phobia.
00:44:35I can't sleep naked.
00:44:37I don't know where it come from.
00:44:38I feel like I got to leave out the house real fast.
00:44:41Who sleep naked with their woman?
00:44:43What brother?
00:44:43Brother with the white shirt on.
00:44:44You sleep naked?
00:44:46You ain't got to.
00:44:47I don't want to, motherfucker.
00:44:48I'm at...
00:44:49I said, look at him.
00:44:51He's all blushing.
00:44:55I said, you sleep naked?
00:45:02Straighten your shit up.
00:45:07Put the camera on Dr. Sexy right here.
00:45:08I can't do this shit.
00:45:14My girl, let her go to bed naked.
00:45:15I go to bed naked.
00:45:1730 minutes later, I got a short T-shirt on, shoes right here, ready to go.
00:45:21I don't know what might happen.
00:45:22What if we catch...
00:45:22What if the house catch fire?
00:45:23And we sleep, deep sleep.
00:45:25The smoke's so thick, we can't even see.
00:45:27Like, what the fuck?
00:45:28The smoke, the smoke.
00:45:29And the firefighter put his wet, big, cold-edged glove up my ass and started taking me outside
00:45:34naked.
00:45:34Because this is his job.
00:45:36He running me outside.
00:45:37I'm on his shoulder.
00:45:38Please, but the firefighter, don't let me outside like this.
00:45:41I got neighbors, motherfucker.
00:45:42Let me burn.
00:45:43Let me down.
00:45:43I'm going to tell you I'm superiors.
00:45:47I'm a hero, sir.
00:45:48I need to take you outside.
00:45:50Throw me outside in the cold, wet grass.
00:45:52My neighbor's looking.
00:45:52My dick them shivered up because it's cold and wet.
00:45:55They go, look, oh my God, he's an infant.
00:46:00Shit, it's cold out here.
00:46:02I can't do it, dude.
00:46:05My girl loves to do shit I don't like to do.
00:46:08She woke up one morning to my...
00:46:10Oh, I had a dream that you bought me a car.
00:46:12So you better go back to sleep and drive that motherfucker then.
00:46:15Because he ain't here.
00:46:17Matter of fact, pick me up while you're at.
00:46:19I want to drive in your dream car.
00:46:21Let me go back to sleep with you.
00:46:22Let's hang out in your new shit.
00:46:25You need to stay woke because you're having nightmares.
00:46:32When you get married, I want an expensive ring.
00:46:34All right, I'm going to go to Japan and call you.
00:46:36You answer that bitch on the first ring and see how much it costs.
00:46:40Yeah, it's going to be expensive.
00:46:41I ain't got time for that shit.
00:46:46There's some big dude right here with the hat on.
00:46:48What's up, brother?
00:46:48How you doing, man?
00:46:49Looking for a bodyguard job?
00:46:51I wish I would have had you for a bodyguard.
00:46:52I'd pick a fight.
00:46:53I don't give a fuck.
00:46:55I'd look for somebody to pick up.
00:46:56I'd be anywhere.
00:46:56You ain't got no ranch dressing.
00:46:58Knock this bitch out.
00:47:00Knock her out right now.
00:47:01That bitch ain't got no ranch dressing.
00:47:04Hope you got some ketchup, bitch.
00:47:05They're going to hit you again.
00:47:06Thugs.
00:47:11I see some thugs ahead now.
00:47:12Thugs out.
00:47:13These niggas.
00:47:16Hell yeah.
00:47:17Don't be too thug.
00:47:18I got thug friends in Detroit not afraid of nothing.
00:47:21Let me tell you something.
00:47:22Fear is good.
00:47:24Let fear in sometime.
00:47:27Don't be too thugged out.
00:47:28Fear is going to tell you what to do next.
00:47:29If you have a girl house chilling, you trying to get some ass, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:47:34What's up, baby?
00:47:34You know what I'm saying?
00:47:35And then some of you here just at the door.
00:47:37Who in that bitch about to come in right now?
00:47:39I'll kill you.
00:47:39I got my gun.
00:47:40Anybody in there with you?
00:47:41Fuck him.
00:47:41I'm about to kill both of y'all right now.
00:47:43Let fear in right now.
00:47:46Fear is going to tell you you got enough time to jump up and tie your sleeves.
00:47:49Take your sleeves off your shirt.
00:47:51Tie your shirt up in the front.
00:47:52And when he busts in the door, say, girl, he is fine.
00:47:57Call me tomorrow.
00:48:00Because you a damn motherfucker.
00:48:04Fear is good.
00:48:05I don't give a fuck what you say.
00:48:07Don't be a tough motherfucker.
00:48:08And don't be out there putting your hands on these females.
00:48:11I mean, it's other methods.
00:48:14No, you hear me right?
00:48:15It's other methods.
00:48:17You want to hit your woman.
00:48:19You ever had a fight with your wife?
00:48:20They just want to slap the shit out of her?
00:48:23Well, you a white man.
00:48:24You cut throats.
00:48:27White people kill you and drag you out in the trunk.
00:48:30Put your head in their lap.
00:48:31Don't give a fuck.
00:48:34You want to slap the fuck out your girl, Wayne?
00:48:37Just like, ah!
00:48:38This will make a man hit you, ladies.
00:48:40We losing an argument.
00:48:40You in our face with this shit.
00:48:43Fuck you punk, you weak-ass punk nigga.
00:48:45Do it.
00:48:46I dare you fuck.
00:48:47You're tired of your shit.
00:48:49You be like, ah!
00:48:52Ah!
00:48:54That's your face, bitch.
00:48:55That's your face.
00:49:01Do it.
00:49:02Do it.
00:49:02I dare you.
00:49:04Fuck you.
00:49:04You can't hit her because you're going to jail.
00:49:08The police can come in.
00:49:09Your nose is bloody.
00:49:10Your face scratched up.
00:49:11Your eye black.
00:49:12They'll tell you, take his ass to jail or something happen.
00:49:15You the one that's beat up.
00:49:17You can't hit her.
00:49:18But I'll tell you what you can do.
00:49:19I did it before.
00:49:22Let it get in your face real deep.
00:49:24Fuck you.
00:49:24Fuck you.
00:49:26Poke that bitch in the eye.
00:49:29I ain't never heard nobody go in jail.
00:49:31Poke somebody in the eye.
00:49:32Don't put your hand up like that.
00:49:36She'll block it.
00:49:38Act like you just walking away and sneak her ass.
00:49:40If you hate her, dig in the corner.
00:49:44Somebody looking at...
00:49:45Somebody looking at their woman right now.
00:49:48Bitch, you as good as poked.
00:49:51You about to be poked the fuck out.
00:49:54They're going to be at home.
00:49:55Make up an argument.
00:49:57Who put the TV on channel three?
00:49:58Bitch!
00:49:59I'll be doing dumb shit.
00:50:08I had an old lady in the bank with me.
00:50:10Real old.
00:50:11Like this old.
00:50:12Doing this right here.
00:50:13I go, why you saying no?
00:50:14I ain't actually shit yet.
00:50:20I said, baby, can you help me check my balance?
00:50:23I pushed over.
00:50:23I said, yeah, your balance all fucked up.
00:50:25Man, you got to open your legs more.
00:50:28God damn it.
00:50:29Let me...
00:50:30I'm going to do it again.
00:50:31Bite down.
00:50:32Bite down!
00:50:40What's that, dude?
00:50:41That's funny as shit.
00:50:46I'm glad y'all came out.
00:50:47This is my second one.
00:50:48I was special.
00:50:48Let me tell you something.
00:50:49We was running out here giving out tickets.
00:50:53To give this...
00:50:53I like this shit.
00:50:54Y'all motherfuckers, they're supporting.
00:50:57Got some old school in the house.
00:50:58What's up, old school?
00:51:00These niggas are here.
00:51:02These niggas don't come in the club right away.
00:51:03They put one foot in.
00:51:04JJ, what they doing up in there?
00:51:05I ain't got time for this shit.
00:51:10These are old coos cats.
00:51:11They be in the club with the young girls.
00:51:13Putting all the young girls.
00:51:14I rap ain't got shit on theirs.
00:51:16No matter what we talk about.
00:51:17But these niggas in there with something the girls ain't never seen before.
00:51:20They in there with a real yo-yo.
00:51:21Ain't nobody ever seen a real yo-yo in a club.
00:51:24These niggas walking the dog and shit.
00:51:26Young girl like, oh, that's impossible.
00:51:29You ain't seen shit yet.
00:51:32Ah-ha.
00:51:34Ah-ha-ha.
00:51:40They say, old school females in here.
00:51:42What's up, mama?
00:51:42How you doing?
00:51:43Uh-huh.
00:51:44They're just stinging.
00:51:47Hell, yeah.
00:51:50Tim, I see my grandma on my neck.
00:51:51It was peril.
00:51:52It was, ooh.
00:51:53She ran out of the house.
00:51:54Titties hit the road.
00:51:55Babe, I know you was home.
00:51:56Just titties down here.
00:52:03I just knocked her down and started ironing her.
00:52:05Come here, grandma.
00:52:07I know it's hot.
00:52:07It's steam.
00:52:08You need this.
00:52:09You're like a winter leaf.
00:52:10Damn, grandma.
00:52:14Shit.
00:52:14You're like a...
00:52:15You're gonna sleep with somebody.
00:52:26Fellas, you'll wake up and your woman's staring at you.
00:52:30You wake up.
00:52:30Bitch, what's wrong with you?
00:52:31I'm gonna count my money.
00:52:34I don't trust you.
00:52:37What you doing up?
00:52:38Why you up?
00:52:41Anybody up but you?
00:52:43What you doing?
00:52:46You up, but you're looking at me.
00:52:48Come check your ass, babe.
00:52:49I don't trust my girl.
00:52:50I hold her hand while we sleep.
00:52:52Where you going?
00:52:53To the bathroom?
00:52:54Yes, we are.
00:52:56I'm in it while she's peeing.
00:52:57Hurry up.
00:52:57I hear you.
00:52:58Hurry up.
00:52:58We gotta go back to sleep like that.
00:53:01We gotta fish eyes.
00:53:03We gotta do our thing.
00:53:04Fuck this shit.
00:53:07I like to please my girl.
00:53:09I like to do shit.
00:53:10Ain't nothing never...
00:53:11No man never did to her.
00:53:12That's what you gotta do.
00:53:13You gotta be different.
00:53:14You gotta think out the box.
00:53:16That's what I'm saying.
00:53:17Some fellas just want the same old mood.
00:53:20Let me hear it in front of the back.
00:53:21Let me get on top.
00:53:24Do some different shit.
00:53:25You make her your love to your woman,
00:53:26just look at her.
00:53:28Yeah.
00:53:29So she go, yeah.
00:53:31Thump her in the tooth.
00:53:33She ain't never had that.
00:53:36She go, this is what's wrong with you.
00:53:37You ain't never had that, have you?
00:53:44You think I'm bullshit?
00:53:46Please your woman.
00:53:49I see you looking at me.
00:53:52I had an old lady, 70 years old,
00:53:54wanting to fuck me in Houston, Texas.
00:53:55I said, come on.
00:53:56No, come on.
00:53:58Fuck it.
00:54:03I'm gonna be here, lay down,
00:54:04try to look sexy.
00:54:05This bitch taking pills.
00:54:11I'm gonna get you, young man.
00:54:12You wait a minute.
00:54:15Then you better not die on me,
00:54:16goddammit.
00:54:17I hate to go out with my boy
00:54:27and he meets somebody sexy
00:54:28and he wants you to take care of her girlfriend,
00:54:30like, I want you to take one for the team for me.
00:54:33You look over, let me see the,
00:54:34well, fuck that, nigga.
00:54:36This bitch over there chewing the speaker.
00:54:37Ain't no way.
00:54:44I thought, I'm in the room with her,
00:54:46you know what I'm saying?
00:54:46I'm waiting for her,
00:54:47he let him do his thing.
00:54:48I'm under the cover with a coat on,
00:54:50with the hood, everything.
00:54:52This bitch rubbing my head,
00:54:53I can feel her hand,
00:54:54it's got the bumps on her hand
00:54:55like a cat's tongue.
00:54:56I said, you know what I hate?
00:55:03I said, people don't understand me.
00:55:07I said, because you're a velociraptor.
00:55:11Oh, God.
00:55:22That's right, bitch, you're a velociraptor.
00:55:26I don't care what you're about,
00:55:28I will fucking please you.
00:55:30Women are hard to please.
00:55:31Women think,
00:55:32men think you gotta do a lot of shit for women.
00:55:35You don't.
00:55:35All you gotta do is do something to her
00:55:37and do something for her
00:55:38that her friends never had done.
00:55:40You gotta be different.
00:55:41That's what the name of this show is.
00:55:43I'm different.
00:55:44You gotta be the next dude.
00:55:46Be a new dude every week.
00:55:47It don't make,
00:55:48it's not like you're not you.
00:55:50You're the new dude.
00:55:51Bring something different to your life.
00:55:53I'm new.
00:55:53I don't give a fuck.
00:55:54Do some different shit.
00:55:55Let your girl come in
00:55:56and just do something different to her.
00:56:00Be different.
00:56:02Let her come in the room naked.
00:56:03You got three goldfish slapping in your hand.
00:56:07Baby, what you doing?
00:56:08Hit her with the goldfish
00:56:09and fuck her till the goldfish die.
00:56:12Do some different shit.
00:56:14Fuck y'all.
00:56:16I'm telling you,
00:56:17what kind of wrong with a trench coat
00:56:19and an ax in your hair
00:56:20and get in the bed like this?
00:56:22You ain't gonna believe
00:56:23do what I'm about to do to you, bitch.
00:56:25Because you different.
00:56:27Let that same dude no more.
00:56:30Let her come to bed.
00:56:31You want to do some role play.
00:56:33She got an attack dog suit on.
00:56:35She don't understand it.
00:56:36Let her real jump a ship
00:56:37and out on this bitch.
00:56:40Masterbate while she fighting.
00:56:42Fight her back, baby.
00:56:44Because you that different dude now.
00:56:47Being different.
00:56:53Make love to your woman
00:56:54while you fucking to draw a picture of her.
00:57:02Be different.
00:57:03Let her come in the room
00:57:06in the house with groceries and shit.
00:57:08You behind the couch.
00:57:12Baby, you home?
00:57:13I'm gonna show you I'm home, bitch.
00:57:16Buck's upside the head.
00:57:17Eat a pussy real fast.
00:57:18And go out the window
00:57:20like you don't live there.
00:57:21Go out the window.
00:57:25She'll be like,
00:57:26What the fuck?
00:57:27I love you!
00:57:30You're so different!
00:57:38Eat a pussy real fast, too.
00:57:40Like the gremlin.
00:57:42When they eat them blue things.
00:57:43Don't act like you don't do it, either.
00:57:51That's what's wrong with men.
00:57:52We're creatures.
00:57:53We're not men.
00:57:54We're not human.
00:57:55We're creatures.
00:57:56We eat vagina.
00:57:57We're gonna get fucked.
00:57:57Where's from?
00:57:59Yes, we will.
00:58:01You're gonna have a guy
00:58:02tell you don't fuck with her.
00:58:03She's nasty.
00:58:04First thing, you're gonna really.
00:58:08Ain't nothing five baths
00:58:09can't fuck with.
00:58:10So I'm disinfected.
00:58:11You can lift up a girl's shirt.
00:58:14She got a sign of a pussy that said,
00:58:16This pussy may cause dizziness,
00:58:17drowsiness,
00:58:18and blindness.
00:58:19We'll look rad and go,
00:58:20There ain't nothing to side effects.
00:58:27We're creatures!
00:58:34Live your life.
00:58:35Fuck all that healthy-ass eating.
00:58:37I don't eat sugar.
00:58:38I don't eat salt.
00:58:39I don't eat pork.
00:58:40Who the fuck don't eat pork?
00:58:42Who eat pork?
00:58:42Clap your hands and eat pork.
00:58:45Pork is good.
00:58:47I eat the pig eyebrows.
00:58:48I don't give a fuck.
00:58:50I'll catch him about surprise, huh?
00:58:51And rip the surprise off this nigga.
00:58:53I'll eat the pork.
00:58:54Fuck that shit.
00:58:56My grandmother had me
00:58:56eating some prunes.
00:58:58Tell my...
00:58:58Forget that they're colonic.
00:59:00You get them prunes in you
00:59:01with some hot tea.
00:59:04Come out, it's good.
00:59:06She don't tell me prunes
00:59:07don't wait on nobody.
00:59:07I'm on the show one night
00:59:10prunes in my ass like this.
00:59:11Excuse me.
00:59:11Excuse me.
00:59:13Open up.
00:59:13I'm prunes.
00:59:16Open this goddamn tub.
00:59:19You don't want no prunes
00:59:20to come out your ass.
00:59:20Ain't nothing with it but teeth.
00:59:22You ever feel prunes?
00:59:24Prunes got a sharp edge.
00:59:26That shit come...
00:59:27You ever eat corn?
00:59:27Take a shit?
00:59:28Cook your steel corn?
00:59:31The prunes coming out your ass.
00:59:32Gonna cut your ass creases.
00:59:33Whistlin' like a frisbee
00:59:37coming out your ass.
00:59:40Fuck that shit.
00:59:42Be you.
00:59:44I don't do shit.
00:59:45I'm lazy.
00:59:46I jogged two days ago
00:59:47and caught a cab home.
00:59:49I went to a motherfucking farm.
00:59:52I'm laying in the cab
00:59:53and getting my house kids here.
00:59:54Go in the dresser.
00:59:55Get $25.
00:59:58And bring some more money back.
00:59:59Take me to the hospital.
01:00:00Get your health together.
01:00:09Fuck.
01:00:10Eat right.
01:00:11Eat.
01:00:12Enjoy yourself.
01:00:13You can eat right
01:00:13and still have salt.
01:00:14You know what food tastes like
01:00:16without salt?
01:00:16Jewelry.
01:00:20Let me tell you something
01:00:21I went through.
01:00:24Chick wanted to have sex
01:00:25with me one day.
01:00:28I went to a novelty store.
01:00:29I got some condoms.
01:00:30He said,
01:00:30you want some new shit?
01:00:31I said,
01:00:31what new shit?
01:00:33Got some pulsating condoms
01:00:34right here.
01:00:34I said,
01:00:35what?
01:00:36When you put them
01:00:37on your penis,
01:00:39the heat from your body
01:00:40make the condom
01:00:41and the pulsate.
01:00:43Fuck that.
01:00:44Give me five packs
01:00:45of them shits.
01:00:48I had the girl
01:00:48in my house
01:00:49sitting ready too.
01:00:49I said,
01:00:50ooh,
01:00:50good shit.
01:00:52There's new condoms.
01:00:54It's out.
01:00:55Oh, shit.
01:00:56I kicked her out.
01:00:57Get out of my house.
01:00:57I don't need you.
01:00:59Get out of my house, bitch.
01:01:02Oh, my God.
01:01:04I ran the box
01:01:05that said,
01:01:05the more heat applied,
01:01:06the faster pulsate.
01:01:07I'm on the bed
01:01:08with a lighter
01:01:08under my dick.
01:01:09I had a chick
01:01:25in a wheelchair.
01:01:25That shit was beautiful.
01:01:27She was going to tell me,
01:01:28she had walking pneumonia.
01:01:29Bitch, I ain't walk nowhere.
01:01:30He had a rolling flute.
01:01:34We just love having sex.
01:01:35The phone plane was a motherfucker.
01:01:36Oh, my God.
01:01:41She says,
01:01:41I'm getting dizzy.
01:01:42I said,
01:01:42shut the hell up.
01:01:45I love y'all.
01:01:46I got to go.
01:01:47I'm Tony Roberts.
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