- 7/9/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Yesterday as we mentioned was Valentine's Day. I hope you had a nice one. I did. I spent Valentine's Day
00:06With the most romantic person I know. I'm talking of course about our show's associate producer Jordan Slansky. There he is right there. Yeah
00:16Nothing says romance
00:19Like a Charles Manson-like stare. Yeah, I know
00:22Yeah, anyway, you know sometimes on the show in the past I've hung out with Jordan
00:26I thought I'd hang out with him on Valentine's Day. So we got together at a local bar to talk about love and
00:33Just chat about it. Chat about love romance and well here's what happened
00:38Hey, I'm here at Timmy Nolan's Tavern and
00:42It's just a couple of blocks away from the Warner Brothers studio and I'm sitting with one of our associate producers Jordan Slansky
00:49You the only associate producer there are other ones. I'm the only one. Okay. What does an associate producer do? I have various responsibilities
00:53Okay, are you a romantic person? I believe I am a romantic person when you first came to our show you were a
01:01Quivering nerd what happened? I find with greater life experience. There's a greater awareness of the outside world and the inside world
01:07What are you reading from is there a?
01:09Is there a script back here? How do you dress to attract a woman? What do you like to wear?
01:13I feel like it's most important that you're comfortable with yourself
01:15You dress with something that will make you feel comfortable and confident right and the rest is irrelevant
01:19Right well that so not this because you look like Jerry Van Dyke on coach
01:27You think you could get married one day or do you prefer the life of a swinging single?
01:31I think it's a fallacy to expect that you can predict your future, but these are things I anticipate might have
01:36I can predict your future. You're fired
01:38You don't answer my questions succinctly. I'm drinking and it's I think 11 o'clock in the morning. There's never a good sign
01:45I want to hear what what turns you on physically about a lady. Do you like it when they're showing a little?
01:52Got the headlights on there's a little cleavage the puppies are on display in the window
01:57They put their moccasins out to be cleaned by the hotel staff
02:01Do you like it when the the two bald priests are staring out the highway?
02:07Boobules what is that do you like that kind of look? I find that there's a general consistency between the way somebody looks on the outside and the way
02:13They are in the inside if you talk about the inside one more time
02:15I'm gonna pull your face off with my hands. Is this something you would ever give a girl you were interested in?
02:21Possibly really it's not as romantic as you think this is a bear that was born with its heart outside its chest
02:28Look at the bear's like I'll kill me
02:33Die my heart's outside my chest
02:40No, no, no bear
02:43No
02:46Anyway, I hey take it easy now. You and I have talked about a lot of hypotheticals. I'd like to
02:52See what a woman thinks so I've asked one of our researchers Sarah Bruno to join us. Sarah try your approach on Sarah
02:59How are you?
03:00Fine. How are you?
03:01You know, this is the first Irish bar I've been to in Los Angeles and I find that it's really different than the ones that they were in New York
03:07It's almost more upscale and I didn't even know they were popular here
03:09Now what do you think of that approach?
03:11Uh, very talkative
03:13Very talkative. I haven't been to an Irish bar. I've noticed this. I've done that
03:19Me, me, me, me, me, me. What are you an opera singer? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me
03:24I think our notes for Jordan are
03:28Say less
03:30Definitely
03:31Don't shop at Kids Gap
03:34Physically relax a little bit. Open up. Come on. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Look at that. See those parts move
03:43I like that. Jordan, you're back to your pose. Look what happened to you naturally. You contracted
03:47I think it's important to be in a pose that makes you comfortable and relaxed
03:50Sure. I know this. This is a Tai Chi position. It's called rod up the ass
03:56Thank you
03:58Well, there you have it. Nobody's learned anything and I'm drinking at 11 o'clock in the morning
04:02Lauren, thank you for seeing us
04:04Absolutely. My pleasure
04:05And Jordan, thank you for agreeing to this. I know this is a bit of a shock
04:08Jordan is engaged. What is the name of your intended?
04:17Emma. Emma. You're marrying a woman. Yes. Emma.
04:27Jordan, I'd love to hear from you just a little bit more about Emma and how you met her
04:33I met Emma in a CVS drugstore
04:38I don't remember what I was buying
04:41Was it a male self-grooming utensil by any chance?
04:47No. The product I use is not sold at CVS
04:53What product is that?
04:54The Norelco Body Groom
04:56Do you use the Norelco Body Groom?
05:01Yeah
05:02Do you use it every day?
05:03No
05:04And what do you, what areas do you tend to with the Norelco Body Groom?
05:08You can speak openly here
05:09Of course, because I hope this is a safe space for both of you
05:12Yes
05:13You could trim hair on almost anywhere on your body
05:17It gets into all the nooks and
05:20Painlessly
05:21Crannies
05:22In fact, the new model, the BG2038 has the advantage of a lithium ion battery
05:27Is this all true what you're saying?
05:28Yes
05:29You're not making this up
05:30What's it called? The
05:31The BG2038
05:32Why do you know the model number of your body?
05:34Well, to replace the 2020
05:36Which unfortunately had a nickel metal hydride battery
05:40It would take eight hours to charge
05:43It is very important that you don't overcharge it
05:45Otherwise it decreases battery life
05:49I'm just wondering if maybe you could tell me how you actually met Emma
05:51That's all I really want to know
05:54Well, we met walking into CVS
05:56I don't want to judge and I know this is not a judging space
05:59Not a judging space
06:00But this is a shitty story about how they met
06:02I think it's just crappy
06:05And that's without judgment
06:06It's like you're disappointed in him almost
06:08I want to smash his face
06:10Yeah, so you're angry
06:11Yeah
06:12I want to just keep hitting his face
06:13Until it's like it crumbles like a mask
06:15And then you see the circuits beneath
06:17And it's revealed that he's a robot
06:18Conan expressed a concern that you're not super emotional
06:21And you seem to have a bit of a wall up
06:24I'm a deeply emotional man
06:26A deeply emotional man doesn't say that
06:29I'm a deeply emotional man
06:31I have deep feelings and deep thoughts
06:34I can be moved to tears
06:36By warm sunlight on my face
06:39Can you share this?
06:41Wait, warm sunlight on your face moves you to tears?
06:43That's just the eye being irritated by the sunlight
06:45That's some emotion
06:47I think what moves you to tears is you show up at CVS
06:49For the new groomer and the shelf is empty
06:52Maybe we could try doing a little bit of a role play
07:05Maybe I could play Emma
07:07So maybe Emma
07:08And we'll just
07:09And we'll talk
07:10And we'll see what goes
07:11Let's try that
07:12I don't like air conditioning
07:15Emma likes air conditioning
07:17Often we have disagreements about air conditioning
07:19Why don't you just let me have air conditioning?
07:21It's over here
07:23It's over
07:24It's 110 degrees in the valley
07:27Why can't we have air conditioning?
07:29So Conan, as Emma
07:30What I want you to do right now
07:31Is try to identify the feeling
07:34Hot
07:35Very hot
07:37You're just staring at me
07:39You're a monster
07:41Monster
07:43I want air conditioning
07:44And you will not let me have air conditioning?
07:46And you just stare at me like that
07:49You don't say anything?
07:50Then you go in that closet
07:52And I hear buttons being pushed
07:53And you talking in an alien voice
07:55Who are you talking to?
07:57You don't seem human to me
08:00Why can't I have air conditioning?
08:03Oh, I want air conditioning
08:08And you just stare at me
08:10Can I say something?
08:17Yes
08:18When your partner breaks down crying
08:22First thing you do is you don't stare at them
08:25Like you just fell out of the book American Psycho
08:28You move towards them and you put your arms around me
08:32And comforted me
08:34That's what we women respond to
08:36Comfort in that moment
08:37Are you cold and distant and vague like this at work?
08:41Is this how you behave at work?
08:43Is this why no one at work wants to hang out with you?
08:47Why you're always alone?
08:49Is this how you treat Conan?
08:52Do you treat Conan like this with this sort of cold detachment?
08:56You shouldn't, he's brilliant
08:58He's a brilliant comic mind
09:00And I find him very attractive
09:03And so do all women
09:05Women love him
09:08I love him
09:10He's so sexy
09:16Why do you always smell like perfume?
09:20You're a man
09:22It's not right, Jordan
09:24It's not right
09:25Unfortunately, I think in today's society
09:31At least in Western society
09:32We've learned to cover up our natural smell
09:35Look at me!
09:37I'm right here and I love you
09:39In East Africa, you'll notice that
09:42Because deodorant is not used
09:44Jordan, you're not listening!
09:46Help me!
09:47AHHHHHHH!
09:48AHHHHHH!
09:50AHHHHHH!
09:56AHHHHHH!
09:58Thank you, Jordan
10:00I knew you were laughing at you
10:04AHHHHH!
10:07AHHHHHH!
10:09AHHHHHH!
10:10AHHHHHH!
10:11um i think you should be emma for a second and i will be jordan and i will show you
10:18i will show you what it's like what are you usually doing in the kitchen cooking okay
10:25all right and you make the pasta yourself sometimes i use double zero flour five extra
10:32large eggs 200 a double zero flour is the same flour as all purpose however 50 brown all purpose
10:38flour which is a corset round with cake flour i'm sorry what did you ask him just what is he doing
10:44in the kitchen let's take it from the top and go i would like to turn on the air conditioning
10:50why i'm hot it's humid you should experience the climate as it is meant to be experienced
10:58there's no reason for you to have a different temperature human comfort human what is this
11:06human oh yes you humans i mean er we humans hold on
11:13the female unit is suspicious of me what should i do
11:18proceed as planned the invasion begins tomorrow thank you lord overmore
11:25can i invite you to this wedding we haven't made plans yet
11:32i miss us i like Conan at the wedding
11:38he's such an amazing man he's a god all women think so he's true can i just have him there
11:51what makes me happy is to make you happy
11:59oh Conan's telling his wedding
12:02when you care about someone
12:05what gives you joy
12:06is to give them joy
12:08when i care about someone
12:10when i care about someone
12:11oh he said i
12:18what gives me pleasure
12:25is for me to give you pleasure
12:28i love you i love you
12:34i thought we made a real breakthrough there
12:36that was you know what that was fantastic
12:38group hug what do we do at the end of a session usually
12:41that's great
12:41smells
12:44yes
12:46yes
12:48he's really sweet he's put product on his forehead
12:51and stop asking me yes
12:58Jordan is a real person
12:59two star wars movie force awakens opens this week
13:06we're all very excited about it
13:08no i'm not
13:08but anyway go ahead
13:10i'm so excited i had the moon on our set replaced with the death star
13:13isn't that cool check it out
13:14that's awesome
13:15isn't that neat
13:16just for the week
13:16we put this up about two hours ago
13:18and i understand the producer jordan schlansky
13:21has a problem with it
13:22let's bring him out here
13:23jordan
13:24boo
13:25hate mail
13:26hi jordan
13:27what a dick
13:27hi jordan
13:29who would tolerate him in a marriage
13:31oh
13:31boo
13:32at least he's got something on his schedule today
13:34jordan
13:35we went to great trouble to make this death star
13:37i understand you
13:37you you have a comment you'd like to make
13:39is that true
13:40well i appreciate the effort
13:41in terms of accuracy there are some significant issues
13:44okay what do you mean
13:44what's what's wrong with it there chopper
13:45well the first glaring error is the size of the death star
13:48you depicted it being exactly the same size as the moon
13:50that normally hangs in the backdrop which poses a problem
13:52if the death star fires its primary weapon the super laser
13:56the incredibly tight orbit effectively removes the option
13:58to fire the weapon which would laughably be in a tactical error
14:02it simply wouldn't happen
14:03so basically you're saying the death star should be smaller
14:05well the second major inconsistency is the lack of a middle ring
14:08within the large concave dish on the dish's northern hemisphere
14:10the third complaint pertains to the width
14:12why did he run away on camera
14:20all right
14:23all right
14:24you got away just in time jordan you're safe
14:26right
14:26that's the thing about the death star
14:29once you see that laser coming
14:31can i say something
14:37kill him earlier
14:38kill him earlier
14:38oh yeah i think kill him earlier
14:40and i've always felt that way
14:41i never knew that its main
14:47its big weapon is called the super laser
14:50what a good name for it
14:52i actually had the moon on our set replaced with the death star
14:56and uh
15:04i think it looks pretty cool
15:06we put this up two hours ago
15:08and tried it for the first time at rehearsal
15:10and i was told that one of our staff members had an issue with it
15:14and of course it's our show's resident star wars expert jordan schlansky
15:18let's bring him out here
15:20and find out what the problem was
15:22so can it in
15:37he's just soaking it in
15:38what a what a stylish mortician jordan
15:40jordan what do you think of our death star
15:44i thought it was pretty accurate but you have a problem is that right
15:47well look i appreciate the effort but in terms of accuracy there are some significant issues
15:50okay what do you mean what is wrong with it
15:52well the first glaring error is the size of this death star
15:55it's depicted here as being far too large astronomically speaking
15:57you see earth's moon is just under 3,475 kilometers in diameter
16:01it's in fact 3,474.574 kilometers to be precise
16:05however the original death star was only 216 kilometers in diameter
16:09that means for it to appear as large as it does in the night sky
16:12it needs to be much much closer to the earth
16:13however the empire would never maneuver the death star so close to a potential target
16:18as it would essentially be placing the crown jewel of its own fleet within the blast radius of an exploding planet
16:22if the death star fires its primary weapon the super laser
16:25this incredibly tight orbit effectively removes the options
16:28so let me get this straight this audience was incredibly happy to see him show up
16:49but even happier when he was when he was killed
16:52when he was vaporized
16:53he's dead
16:54you know
16:57i don't understand
16:58yay he's here
16:59oh bigger yay he's dead
17:01hey thanks for watching
17:04please subscribe to my youtube channel
17:06so they will stop making me shoot these videos
17:10please
17:11i believe that one of the most compelling pieces of sculpture in cinematic history
17:15is the darth vader mask
17:17as it appeared in the first three star wars movies
17:20it made a big impression on me as a young child
17:24and i've often longed to own an accurate replica
17:28made to full size
17:29now i've brought some examples of the various darth vader masks
17:33this is the john post mask from the 1990s
17:38and it is the empire strikes back version
17:40which is a very gleaming glossy pristine version
17:43it has very soft features
17:45it has a large chin vent
17:47it has a very smooth peak on the dome
17:51recently a company in southern california
17:53can i interrupt you for just one brief second
17:56yes
17:57you will die alone
17:59continue
18:03recently a company in southern california called efx collectibles
18:07released a version of the 1977 mask
18:10and have made it available in very limited quantity
18:13how did you find out
18:16that the new 1977 one was available
18:20i routinely monitor the star wars community
18:23and then one day you were probably sitting at your desk
18:26i'm gonna guess
18:27in my office
18:28not working for me
18:30but scanning some star wars obscure helmet website
18:34when you got the word
18:35from your pal
18:37jubjub86
18:38at nerdnet
18:40that oh my gosh
18:42the new helmets are in
18:44oh the new helmets are in
18:46the new helmets are in
18:49limited quantity
18:51is that more or less what happens
18:59these are benevolent pursuits
19:01i spend a long time and i get a lot of pleasure out of looking into this mask
19:08what kind of pleasure
19:09visceral pleasure
19:11sensual
19:12sexual
19:13sensual in the sense that it's visual
19:15kinesthetic in the sense that it gives me a sense of satisfaction
19:20did you become aroused when you put on that helmet
19:21yes
19:22what
19:25are you applying sexually aroused
19:27that's what everyone thinks
19:29yes
19:30aroused means
19:30i'm not concerned with what other people think
19:32i've become aroused
19:34oh i know
19:34i know that you're not concerned with what other people think
19:37that's quite apparent
19:39do you think it's possible
19:40and just be honest
19:41that while looking at this
19:43you would ever pleasure yourself
19:45possible
19:46possible
19:47let me tell you
19:49there is an implication of judgment here
19:51are you a fan of art
19:52do you stare at art
19:53do you walk into a museum and stare at a sculpture or a painting
19:55why is this sculpture
19:56which is sculpted by a british man named brian weir
19:59why is this sculpture any less valid
20:01i'm not saying it's invalid
20:03i'm not
20:03no
20:04you're completely misunderstanding
20:05you're finding a judgmental tone to what i'm saying
20:09which i did not intend
20:10my question was very simple
20:11when you're looking at this halloween mask you get a jerk off
20:14no judgment there
20:25come on man
20:26i'm just having a little fun
20:27cheer up
20:28let's see the actual product
20:30may we
20:30i've kept it in its box
20:32i'm having a custom case
20:33built for me in the united kingdom
20:36it will take many months for that case to be completed
20:38and arrive here in the united states
20:40in the meantime i have kept the product in its original box
20:43and chosen not to take it out of the box
20:46in the interest of keeping it pristine and untouched
20:49okay
20:50can you open the box please and show it to us now
20:52i can show you the box
20:54i can open the box
20:57yeah
20:57i would not like us to be in a position where
21:00the product can be at all damaged
21:03i swear i won't do that
21:04i promise you
21:05your definition of damage may differ from my definition
21:09i don't want your greasy fingerprints on the mask
21:12greasy
21:13i don't want
21:14what is that is that like an anti-irish slam
21:16i don't want your greasy potato chomping
21:19white beaten mitts on it is that what you're saying
21:22in fact it's scientific fact
21:23our skin secretes oils
21:25those oils keep our body moisturized
21:27in fact oils trap a lot of the dirt that plagues us
21:30the whole point of soap is it's an emulsifier
21:32that bonds the oil
21:33i'm stopping you there
21:34because i've been with you
21:35and i know that you're going down a rabbit hole
21:37and we're not coming out for six years
21:38so you tell me what i need to do
21:42to see the mask
21:44and not sully it
21:45so there you can see a
21:47full-scale replica of the 1977
21:50darth vader mask
21:52notice the two-tone black gunmetal design
21:56on the face
21:57quite a marvel of cinematic sculpting
21:59you know it looks exactly like the
22:01other ones i've seen
22:02i don't think uh your view on this matter is precise
22:08may i remove it from the
22:10uh no
22:10no you can't
22:12can you
22:12uh no
22:13no i'd like to keep it uh
22:15in the case as i mentioned
22:17that's it you're not going to let us take it out
22:18no there's no reason
22:20all right let me ask you a question
22:21why am i wearing gloves
22:24if you're not going to let me even touch it
22:25due to your unpredictable nature it seemed like
22:28this is incredibly anticlimactic
22:35we opened a box
22:37we're looking at two pieces of plastic
22:40we can't touch it
22:41we can't display it
22:43we can't assemble it
22:43that's correct
22:44so
22:45this
22:47magic moment of television brought to you by jordan schlansky
22:50and please stop asking me
22:58everywhere i go people ask me is he real
23:01he is 100% real
23:04that's him
23:05okay
23:06stop asking me
23:07please stand
23:09you and i have talked many times
23:14over the years
23:15but this is serious
23:18okay
23:18i'm talking to everyone on staff
23:20one name has come up
23:22repeatedly
23:23i believe nine times
23:25it's you jordan
23:27people don't know what you do
23:30they don't understand your job
23:33you fill your brita filter with water
23:36is this in fact
23:37the water
23:39that's often being filled in the hallway
23:40the choice to remain hydrated
23:41doesn't imply that i have no work to do
23:43how much of this water do you drink a day
23:4578 ounces
23:47what are you a weeping willow
23:49are you a tree
23:51that's a ton of water
23:52how much of this day are you urinating then
23:54how many times do you go to the bathroom during the day
23:56ideally once an hour
23:57you urinate once an hour
24:00why ideally once an hour
24:02well i have to make sure my urine is almost clear
24:04you drink 78 ounces of water a day
24:08i drink more than 78 ounces of water a day
24:10i drink 78 ounces of water while i'm here
24:12how much water do you drink in a day
24:14double that
24:15double 78
24:17correct
24:18you drink 160 some odd ounces of water a day
24:21156
24:22every time i ask you what you do
24:29and we've had numerous remotes
24:31where i've talked to you numerous times
24:32you use the word numerous
24:34various
24:35assorted
24:36but you never
24:38give one
24:40specific thing
24:42what do you do
24:44if you're not going to tell me
24:46who are you going to tell
24:47the people that need to know
24:49already know
24:50what do you mean
24:54that's me
24:55jordan are you essential yes or no
24:57yes
24:58were you to disappear now
25:00then man is it tempting
25:03would the show be affected
25:07with the exception of yourself
25:08i could argue that any particular staff member
25:11can be eliminated
25:12with no visible result on air
25:14you have the body language of lee harvey oswald
25:17jordan schlansky
25:22and his new coffee machine
25:23ladies and gentlemen
25:23okay i'm headed back into
25:29jordan schlansky's office
25:30to confront him
25:31about this espresso machine
25:33uh
25:33his office is not accessible
25:35like everyone else's
25:36it's hidden away
25:37that was jordan's choice
25:39let's find out
25:39go through this
25:42and you gotta go through here
25:45then
25:47you gotta go through here
25:49jordan
25:50hey
25:51put an o'brien here
25:52first of all your office is a mess
25:54okay
25:54this is disgusting
25:56have you been on hoarders yet
25:57uh
25:58you have an espresso machine here
26:00there is an espresso machine here
26:02what's the difference between what you said
26:03i don't have it
26:04pardon me
26:05i don't have it it's here
26:06doesn't mean i have it
26:07what do you mean
26:08i don't understand
26:08i use it but i don't have it
26:10have it implies that i own it
26:11i don't own it
26:12oh you don't own it
26:12no i don't own it
26:13who purchased the machine
26:14you actually own it
26:16you purchased everything in this office
26:18i did
26:19yes
26:20did i buy you this
26:23italian almond biscotti
26:25no that was free
26:26this is a free biscotti
26:28yes
26:29biscotto
26:29pardon me
26:30it's a biscotto
26:31biscotti
26:32that would be if there's more than one
26:34there's only one
26:34would you take me out and show me the espresso machine please
26:40yes
26:40this is a lavatsa blue lb 2312 espresso machine
26:44the machine retails for between five and seven hundred dollars
26:49mm-hmm
26:49it's an expensive machine
26:51i suppose that's relative
26:53there are espresso machines that cost five thousand dollars
26:56why didn't you go for one of those
26:57i didn't want to spend your money needlessly
26:58do you feel that you were
27:02forthcoming about the location of the machine and that everyone was welcome to use it
27:06i want you to understand that it's not my responsibility to be forthcoming and to make an absence of any times
27:10i suggest that this purchase be made
27:12i'm not its caretaker or its wrangler
27:14do you think you find it
27:15do you find it
27:16do you find it at all interesting
27:18that the machine is located
27:20let me see how many steps
27:21one two three four five six seven
27:26seven feet actually a little more because i've got big feet and ladies do the math
27:31i'm noticing right now that the instructions on the machine are in italian
27:36do you think that's at all off-putting to people who want to use the machine and don't speak italian
27:40i think you're making the assumption that i chose the display language
27:42furthermore italian is a beautiful language and i don't see the problem with having italian instructions on the machine
27:47so you made a decision for the group
27:49yes i did
27:51the way mussolini made a lot of decisions
27:53for this country
27:55another account who had a dream
27:58of things running smoothly
28:00i've been very welcoming of everybody to use it and i've tried to
28:02very welcoming the fuhrer
28:05uh was behind fewer doors
28:07in his bunker in 45
28:09i'm gonna make that clear
28:10i had to walk through i believe seven doors to get here
28:13you could not hide a coffee machine
28:15better
28:16if osama bin laden
28:18was cringing near this coffee machine
28:20he'd be alive today
28:21because no one would ever have found him
28:23i take it this is the infamous sign
28:27espresso 101
28:28you wrote these instructions
28:29i used this as an opportunity to educate
28:32the staff who's largely american
28:34on what a proper italian espresso should be
28:36i'm noticing that you talk about united states and americans almost with contempt
28:40do you realize
28:41that you're from buffalo
28:43you have a derisive tone towards these americans
28:47i have a derisive tone towards the quality of coffee served in the u.s
28:51you hate american coffee
28:52i've never had a sip of american coffee
28:54you won't drink coffee in this country
28:57i don't believe in drip brew coffee
28:59jordan quick question
29:01what are your responsibilities on this show
29:03i have various duties my title is associate producer
29:06that's the greatest non-answer i've ever heard
29:09various duties and this is my title
29:11care to come clean what is it you do
29:14i have various production related tasks
29:17if you use the word various one more time i'm having you arrested
29:19what is your job associate producer
29:23what do you do when you come in to work
29:25various from data
29:29very various this is my title
29:33you are one crafty fake italian
29:37what i'm going to do is remove this machine for a period of time
29:41i'm going to replace it
29:42with this machine
29:46this is the windmere
29:48as far as i know it's not even a coffee company
29:50i think they made lawnmowers until they went out of business
29:53it's dirty
29:55it's old
29:56it has a simple on-off switch
29:58in english
29:59because god bless america
30:01you son of a bitch
30:02and you will make your coffee
30:05i think this is blood by the way
30:06i'm not sure
30:07you will make your coffee out of this machine
30:10that's right drip coffee
30:11and you will drink it for a week
30:13well
30:13my investigation is complete
30:15punishment's been meted out
30:17this is conan o'brien saying
30:18this is conan o'brien
30:19saying this guy's in your account
30:20i love you
30:21hey i'm in my office sitting here with julie naylon
30:27and julie you're a professional organizer
30:29yes
30:29okay
30:30do you know why we brought you here
30:32one of the producers here has an office that's unorganized
30:36his name is jordan schlansky
30:38and his office is disgusting
30:41i'm also worried about liability
30:43his office is a fire trap
30:45we think there might be vermin
30:47in his office
30:48not including jordan himself
30:50i'm worried also maybe some of this debris could fall onto jordan
30:54is that possible that jordan could
30:56yeah it could collapse and fall on him
30:57or a fire
30:58leave it then
31:00just leave it
31:02yeah another thing i'm uh
31:03not judgmental whatsoever
31:05so i've seen everything
31:06you might be judgmental after you meet jordan
31:08he's um trying to think of what the word is
31:12i want to be delicate here
31:13douchebag
31:15does he know that we're coming
31:18i should make that very clear jordan
31:20doesn't know we're coming
31:22let's do it
31:24jordan
31:26how are you
31:27oh my goodness
31:28maybe you two should meet
31:30this is julie
31:31hey julie how are you
31:31nice to meet you
31:32pleasure
31:32julie is a professional organizer
31:35okay
31:35and i realize this is a surprise
31:38you did not know we were coming
31:39that's correct
31:40clearly because you're eating
31:41what is this
31:42uh that is some uh
31:44criminelli salami
31:45with some uh coffee rub cheese on top
31:48on a baguette
31:49okay
31:50yeah
31:51well that's not happening now
31:53okay
31:53put this over here
31:55um
31:56we're gonna move on to cleaning your office
31:59okay
31:59julie you said that changing someone's space
32:01can change the individual
32:03that this could be
32:04a life-altering experience for jordan
32:06jordan
32:07do you feel changed
32:08no
32:10well you don't know
32:14isn't it possible
32:15pete
32:15julie's right here
32:16it's possible
32:17look her in the eye
32:19it's unlikely
32:20look
32:20you didn't look
32:21look at that
32:21you went to look her in the eye
32:23and then at the last second
32:25if you show that on replay
32:26you look down and away
32:27why don't you look people in the eye
32:32i suppose it's awkward to turn my body
32:35you're pressed up against me tightly
32:36i'm not pressed up against you tightly you creep
32:38gee
32:40dream much
32:41don't be in the eye
32:42okay don't
32:44that was awful
32:46oh my god
32:47i just saw
32:49the end of the world
32:50in your eyes
32:51i thought maybe we could celebrate with a little wine
32:54to jordan's new office
32:57congratulations
32:58it seems to really have changed you
33:00immensely
33:01thank you both
33:02thank you both
33:02thank you both
33:06star wars movie force awakens opens this week
33:08we're all very excited about it
33:10no i'm not
33:10but anyway go ahead
33:12i'm so excited
33:13i had the moon on our set
33:14replaced with the death star
33:15isn't that cool
33:16check it out
33:16that's awesome
33:17isn't that neat
33:18just for the week
33:19we put this up about two hours ago
33:20and i understand
33:21the producer jordan schlansky
33:23has a problem with it
33:24let's bring him out here
33:25jordan
33:26boo
33:27hate mail
33:28hi jordan
33:29hi jordan
33:32who would tolerate him in a marriage
33:33oh
33:34at least he's got something on his schedule today
33:37jordan
33:37we went to great trouble to make this death star
33:39i understand you
33:40you have a comment you'd like to make
33:42is that true
33:42well i appreciate the effort
33:43in terms of accuracy
33:44there are some significant issues
33:46okay what do you mean
33:46what's wrong with it there chopper
33:48well the first glaring error
33:49is the size of the death star
33:50you depicted it being
33:51exactly the same size as the moon
33:52that normally hangs in the backdrop
33:54which poses a problem
33:55if the death star fires its primary weapon
33:57the super laser
33:58the incredibly tight orbit
33:59effectively removes the option
34:01to fire the weapon
34:02which would laughably be in a tactical error
34:04it simply wouldn't happen
34:05so basically you're saying
34:06the death star should be smaller
34:07well the second major inconsistency
34:09is the lack of a middle ring
34:10within the large concave dish
34:11on the dish's northern hemisphere
34:13the third complaint
34:14pertains to the width
34:15why did he run away on camera
34:22all right
34:25all right
34:26you got away just in time jordan
34:28you're safe
34:28right
34:29that's the thing about the death star
34:31once you see that laser coming
34:33can i say something
34:39kill him earlier
34:40kill him earlier
34:40oh yeah yeah
34:41i think kill him earlier
34:42and i've always felt that way
34:43i never knew
34:48that its main
34:49its big weapon
34:50it's called the super laser
34:52what a good name for it
34:54i actually had the moon
34:55on our set replaced
34:56with the death star
34:58check it out
34:59and uh
35:06i think it looks pretty cool
35:08we put this up two hours ago
35:10and tried it for the first time
35:12at rehearsal
35:12and i was told that one of our staff members
35:15had an issue with it
35:16and of course
35:17it's our show's resident star wars expert
35:19jordan schlansky
35:20let's bring him out here
35:22and find out what the problem was
35:24thank you
35:26thank you
35:32thank you
35:34now jordan
35:35yeah
35:38soaking it in
35:39he's just soaking it in
35:40what a
35:41what a stylish mortician
35:42jordan
35:43jordan what do you think of our
35:46uh death star
35:46i thought it was pretty accurate
35:48but you have a problem
35:49is that right
35:49well look i appreciate the effort
35:50but in terms of accuracy
35:51there are some significant issues
35:53okay what do you mean
35:53what is wrong with it
35:54well the first glaring error
35:55is the size of this death star
35:57it's depicted here
35:57as being far too large
35:59astronomically speaking
36:00you see earth's moon
36:01is just under
36:013,475 kilometers in diameter
36:03it's in fact
36:043,474.574 kilometers
36:07to be precise
36:08however the original death star
36:09was only 216 kilometers in diameter
36:11that means for it to appear
36:12as large as it does
36:13in the night sky
36:14it needs to be much
36:15much closer to the earth
36:16however the empire
36:17would never maneuver
36:18the death star so close
36:19to a potential target
36:20as it would essentially
36:21be placing the crown jewel
36:22of its own fleet
36:22within the blast radius
36:23of an exploding planet
36:25if the death star fires
36:26its primary weapon
36:26the super laser
36:27this incredibly tight orbit
36:28effectively removes the option
36:30of firing the four mental
36:31super laser
36:32so let me get this straight
36:48this audience was incredibly happy
36:50to see him show up
36:51but even happier
36:52when he was
36:52when he was killed
36:54when he was vaporized
36:55he's dead
36:56you know
36:59I don't understand
37:00yay he's here
37:01oh bigger yay
37:03he's dead
37:03hey thanks for watching
37:06please subscribe
37:08to my youtube channel
37:09so they will stop
37:10making me shoot
37:11these videos
37:12please
37:13I believe that
37:14one of the most compelling
37:15pieces of sculpture
37:16in cinematic history
37:18is the Darth Vader mask
37:19as it appeared
37:20in the first
37:21three star wars movies
37:23it made a big impression
37:25on me as a young child
37:26and I've often longed
37:28to own an accurate replica
37:30made to full size
37:32now I've brought some examples
37:33of the various
37:35Darth Vader masks
37:36this is the Don Post mask
37:38from the 1990s
37:40and it is the
37:41Empire Strikes Back version
37:42which is a very gleaming
37:44glossy pristine version
37:46it has very soft features
37:47it has a large chin vent
37:50it has a very smooth
37:52peak on the dome
37:53recently a company
37:55in southern California
37:55can I interrupt you
37:56for just one brief second
37:58yes
37:59you will die alone
38:01continue
38:05recently a company
38:07in southern California
38:08called EFX Collectibles
38:09released a version
38:10of the 1977 mask
38:12and have made it available
38:14in very limited quantity
38:15how did you
38:16find out
38:18that
38:19the new
38:201977 one
38:22was available
38:22I routinely monitor
38:24the star wars community
38:26and then one day
38:27you were probably
38:27sitting at your desk
38:28I'm gonna guess
38:29in my office
38:30not working for me
38:32but scanning
38:33some star wars
38:35obscure helmet website
38:36when you got the word
38:37from your pal
38:39jubjub86
38:41at nerdnet
38:42that
38:43oh my gosh
38:44the new helmets are in
38:46oh the new helmets are in
38:48mmm
38:50the new helmets are in
38:52limited quantities
38:53is that more or less
39:01what happened
39:01these are benevolent pursuits
39:04that were causing
39:04the name of the home
39:05I spend a long time
39:07and I get a lot of pleasure
39:08out of looking into this mask
39:10what kind of pleasure
39:11visceral pleasure
39:13sensual
39:14sexual
39:15sensual in the sense
39:17that it's visual
39:17kinesthetic in the sense
39:19that it gives me
39:20a sense of satisfaction
39:22do you become aroused
39:22when you put on that helmet
39:23yes
39:24what
39:27are you applying
39:28sexually aroused
39:29that's what everyone thinks
39:31yes
39:32aroused means
39:33I'm not concerned
39:33with what other people think
39:34I become aroused
39:36oh I know
39:36I know that you're not concerned
39:38with what other people think
39:39that's quite apparent
39:41do you think it's possible
39:42and just be honest
39:43that while looking at this
39:45you would ever pleasure yourself
39:47I think it's unlikely
39:49possible
39:49let me tell you
39:51there is an implication
39:52of judgment here
39:53are you a fan of art
39:55do you stare at art
39:56do you walk into a museum
39:56and stare at a sculpture
39:57or a painting
39:58why is this sculpture
39:59which is sculpted by a British man
40:00named Brian Weir
40:01why is this sculpture
40:03any less valid
40:03I'm not saying it's invalid
40:05I'm not
40:05no
40:06you're completely misunderstanding
40:07you're finding a judgmental tone
40:10to what I'm saying
40:11which I did not intend
40:12my question was very simple
40:14when you're looking
40:15at this Halloween mask
40:16you get a jerk off
40:17no judgment there
40:27come on man
40:28I'm just having a little fun
40:29cheer up
40:30let's see the actual product
40:32may we
40:33I've kept it in its box
40:34I'm having a custom case
40:36built for me
40:36in the United Kingdom
40:38it will take many months
40:39for that case to be completed
40:41and arrive here
40:41in the United States
40:42in the meantime
40:43I have kept the product
40:44in its original box
40:45and chosen not to
40:47take it out of the box
40:48in the interest
40:49of keeping it pristine
40:50and untouched
40:51okay
40:52can you open the box
40:53please and show it to us now
40:54I can show you the box
40:57I can open the box
40:59I would not like us
41:01to be in a position
41:02where the product
41:04can be at all damaged
41:05I swear I won't do that
41:07I promise you
41:08your definition of damage
41:09may differ from my definition
41:11I don't want
41:12your greasy fingerprints
41:14on the mask
41:14greasy?
41:15what is that?
41:16is that like an anti-Irish slam?
41:19I don't want your greasy
41:20potato chomping
41:21white beaten mitts on it
41:23is that what you're saying?
41:24in fact it's scientific fact
41:26our skin secretes oils
41:27those oils keep our body moisturized
41:29in fact
41:29oils trap a lot of the dirt
41:31that plagues us
41:32the whole point of soap
41:33is it's an emulsifier
41:34that bonds the oil
41:35I'm stopping you there
41:36because I've been with you
41:37and I know that you're going
41:38down a rabbit hole
41:39and we're not coming out
41:40for six years
41:41so you tell me
41:42what I need to do
41:44to see the mask
41:46and not sully it
41:47so there you can see
41:49a full-scale replica
41:51of the 1977
41:53Darth Vader mask
41:54notice the two-tone
41:56black gunmetal design
41:58on the face
41:59quite a marvel
42:00of cinematic sculpting
42:01you know it looks exactly
42:03like the other ones
42:04I've seen
42:04I don't think
42:07your view on this matter
42:10is precise
42:11may I remove it
42:11from the
42:12no
42:13no you can't
42:14can you
42:14no
42:15no
42:16I'd like to keep it
42:17in the case
42:18as I mentioned
42:19that's it
42:19you're not going to let us
42:20take it out
42:20no
42:21there's no reason
42:22all right
42:23let me ask you a question
42:23why am I wearing gloves
42:26if you're not going to
42:26let me even touch it
42:27due to your unpredictable nature
42:29it seemed like
42:30this is incredibly anticlimactic
42:37we opened a box
42:39we're looking at
42:41two pieces of plastic
42:42we can't touch it
42:44we can't display it
42:45we can't assemble it
42:46that's correct
42:46so
42:47this
42:49magic moment of television
42:51brought to you by
42:52Jordan Schlansky
42:52and please stop asking me
43:00everywhere I go
43:02people ask me
43:03is he real
43:03he is 100% real
43:06I think Abigail is an attractive woman
43:27however I don't think this situation is conducive to sexual arousal
43:30I might have something that's more Jordan's speed
43:33I did my best
43:54I appreciate the sentiment
43:56to give you a great bachelor party
43:58and then just put his testicles in my face
44:03how did it feel to you this time
44:06chick alms
44:11yes sir
44:12good to see you sir
44:13how are you
44:14I'm fine
44:14and you?
44:15I'm doing very well
44:16where'd you get the name chick?
44:18oh I don't know
44:19that was just a nickname
44:21that's quite a total tale you just told chick
44:23that's quite a yarn
44:25what's your real name?
44:26can't tell it
44:27really?
44:28is it sillier than Conan?
44:31probably
44:31really?
44:32Cheryl
44:33can I
44:33what?
44:34Cheryl
44:34Cheryl
44:35your parents named you Cheryl
44:38yep
44:38so you decided
44:40I'm going to change the name Cheryl
44:41to something much more manly
44:43and you went with chick
44:45I want to have to be my mother good boy
44:47you ever come across someone
44:48who just doesn't look good
44:50in western clothes
44:51or does it always work?
44:54it just always works
44:55I got a challenge for you
44:57I brought a friend of mine
44:58he's from New York City
45:01don't get mad
45:02but he's from New York
45:03some people have to be from there
45:04and he's what we call a metrosexual
45:08you know what that is?
45:09I don't believe it
45:09okay
45:10take it easy
45:11it's not what you think
45:12it's not someone who has sex with trains
45:15but
45:16he's a creep
45:18his name is Jordan Schlansky
45:22well I wake up
45:24I have cappuccino
45:26and a savory pastry
45:27twice a week
45:29I shave
45:30remove excess hair
45:32do you shave exclusively your face?
45:35I shave other areas
45:36what other areas do you shave, Jordan?
45:41various areas
45:42and other regions?
45:45that's a personal matter
45:46Jake
45:47what do you think about a man
45:48that shaves his body?
45:51gosh
45:52I don't know
45:54I think it fits you suitably
45:58what is the problem?
46:00there's a lot of excess bulk
46:03where?
46:04everywhere
46:04the legs are tubular
46:06not here
46:06gotten good, Jake
46:15gotten good
46:16this is fantastic
46:19look at this
46:20Jake
46:21I love this belt
46:23this is a fantastic belt
46:25it's got a little color to it
46:27some cowhide
46:28with hair on
46:29look at that
46:30that's actual cow hair
46:31that's in there
46:33Jordan
46:33one tip
46:34don't shave this hair
46:36make me sick
46:40I'd throw up under your shirt
46:42but it looks like someone already has
46:44this
46:47and we keep the bag on
46:48this way
46:50he's protected
46:51if your coffee
46:53when you're making it
46:54with your little Italian machine
46:55and if I tire of listening to you
46:57I can close this off
46:59I can close this off
46:59and in the minute you're dead
47:02you know it's interesting
47:03because it's a misconception
47:04that the cowboy hat
47:06was the hat of the west
47:07traditionally speaking
47:08it was an impractical design
47:09because it would easily
47:10blow off someone's head
47:11cowboy hat as we know
47:13it didn't come to promise
47:14until after the civil war
47:16due in large part to
47:18John Stetson
47:19who was from New Jersey
47:22it's probably from
47:23the Spanish
47:24tan galan
47:25which basically means
47:27very gallant
47:27which is
47:28a description of the hat
47:30as it appeared at the time
47:31for those who were under me
47:32this is the same screen
47:35that Jordan sees in his mind
47:36every time he tries
47:37to register an emotion
47:38looks familiar
47:39Jordan
47:42tell us what you know
47:43about the roasting process
47:44well it's important
47:45that when coffee is brewed
47:46the beans are at the right level
47:48after the roast
47:49too soon
47:50the beans are still degassing
47:51too late
47:52the beans have become stale
47:53I degassed
47:55about three minutes ago
47:56how do you like your meat?
47:59medium rare
47:59it's a rare
48:00see
48:00so for coffee
48:02a lighter roast
48:03is essentially
48:03a more medium rare
48:04than a well done
48:06I don't agree
48:06with that analogy
48:07you're disagreeing
48:09with the coffee expert?
48:10coffee is like
48:10black truffles
48:11it's true flavor
48:12comes out only through heat
48:13hold me back
48:14get out of you
48:17yeah you take it back
48:20has anyone ever
48:22fallen into this machine
48:23and been mixed in
48:25with the beans
48:25accidentally
48:26and when they went
48:27to drink it
48:28it was filled with
48:28human bone
48:29and blood
48:30and gore
48:31Jordan why don't you
48:33take a closer look
48:34Jordan just lean in
48:37is this your favorite?
48:51this might be my favorite
48:52yeah
48:52you know what
48:52hold on
48:53that's very good
49:07does exist in Italy
49:09although this whipped cream
49:10is an artificially
49:11processed product
49:11once again
49:12what were you saying?
49:20this is artificially
49:22processed and overly sweet
49:23there are no qualities
49:24of the cream
49:25that come forward
49:25I inhaled a lot
49:34of the gas propellant
49:34I have to assume
49:35that standards as well
49:36I think you'll be fine
49:38it only affects
49:39ah
49:40humans
49:40the contrast
49:43between the dark
49:43and the lights
49:44even in the ceiling
49:45with the dark beams
49:45and the white
49:46no no no
49:46there's the dark
49:47and the light
49:47there's the soft
49:48and the hard
49:49there's the smart
49:50and the dumb
49:50they have every
49:52context
49:53and contrast
49:54I don't like
49:55that the cabinets
49:56stick because of
49:57the layers of paint
49:58although I understand
49:59this is an old place
50:00I understand
50:00I consider charming
50:02and quaint
50:02but I don't like it
50:03so you just
50:05you know
50:05it's called sandpaper
50:06it's five minutes
50:07and some sandpaper
50:08little WD-40
50:09and those drawers
50:10will slide off
50:11as quickly
50:11as your drawers
50:12slide off
50:13and then a male actor
50:14walks down the street
50:15I don't want to do
50:17any physical paper
50:17did you see the knives
50:20Jordan?
50:21yes
50:21you did see the knives
50:22yeah those are hankles
50:23not now
50:28I don't feel the energy
50:31that I am looking
50:32for so far
50:33what kind of energy
50:35are you looking for?
50:36an energy that
50:37makes me feel like
50:39I'm in the right place
50:39okay
50:40because I could taser you
50:41in the throat
50:42I'm just joking with energy
50:44Jordan why don't you
50:45just put your hand
50:46on this part right here
50:47just run your hands along
50:48do you like that?
50:50it's rough
50:51and it's raw
50:51it's arched
50:53and dramatic
50:53it's sloped
50:54and it's full of life
50:55you don't have to
50:55just keep making lists
50:56everything's a list with you
50:58it's creamy
50:58and it's corny
50:59it's got cheese
51:00and chives
51:01it's an onion
51:01but it's also a beet
51:02everything I've noticed
51:04with you is
51:04ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da
51:08a freak show
51:09freak show
51:10freak show
51:12just go
51:12just sit on that toilet
51:13just see
51:14because sometimes
51:14that helps
51:15people know
51:16okay
51:18is that how you sit
51:19on the toilet
51:19with one leg
51:20over the other
51:21comfortable
51:22okay
51:24because I think it's not how you do it.
51:30How do you feel about this plant next to you, Jordan?
51:32You see, now, you're using your eyes.
51:34Picture using your imagination.
51:35There are speakers there.
51:36You're sitting out here in a nice warm night.
51:38If I had a balloon filled with acid,
51:39I'd throw it at you right now.
51:41You asked me to meet you at Douay tonight
51:43because you wanted me to experience a fantastic Italian meal.
51:48Yes, a good meal, good service.
51:49They have the whole package.
51:51Hi, how are you?
51:52What's that?
51:53A quick thing I wanted to tell you.
51:59Someone once told me that good olive oil,
52:01you can, uh, should taste like the Tuscan sun.
52:04Does that make sense to you?
52:06If it's Tuscan olive oil.
52:08Yeah, that's what I mean.
52:11But you can taste the sunshine.
52:13Of course, you can taste the sunshine.
52:14You can taste the water.
52:15Can I just say, of course, you can say, like, oh, yeah, that's interesting.
52:17When you say, of course, it makes me, it feels like a put-down.
52:19Like, oh, right, idiot.
52:21Do you know what I mean?
52:21You can just say, like, oh, yes, yes, that's a good point, Conan.
52:24Yes, yes, I've heard the same.
52:25Just understand that these are artisanal works.
52:28This wine, this olive oil,
52:29are the product of a number of factors.
52:31The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
52:33Stab me in the head.
52:35Stab me in the freaking head.
52:36Just right here.
52:38Just right here.
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