Lets.Start.A.Cult.2024

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00:00:00Why do you think you're ready to transcend?

00:00:14Why?

00:00:16Because I've listened to every word you've said.

00:00:21I've studied the scripts that you have wrote.

00:00:24I've listened to every speech.

00:00:26I've cataloged every moment.

00:00:30I don't think there's a way that I'm not ready to transcend.

00:00:35I hate hunger for the next realm.

00:00:40I can't wait.

00:00:43I mean, because it sounds fucking sick, honestly.

00:00:47This tree that we're on is burning.

00:00:50It's telling us to get off.

00:00:52It's too hot.

00:00:54It's full of pain.

00:00:56In my heart, I know that we're meant to be so much more.

00:01:02I had a family before, and I left them to come with you.

00:01:06Because of your teachings, I convinced a Chinese lady with dementia I was her son.

00:01:12I don't even know how it happened, but just kind of channeling you.

00:01:16I was like, and I got like $13,000 out of her before she realized I didn't actually know how to speak Mandarin.

00:01:22I was just kind of doing the sounds.

00:01:25Any final thoughts?

00:01:27It's just...

00:01:33I feel too lucky to have met this family.

00:01:37Me and you.

00:01:39Fucking getting slurped up.

00:01:42God's watching.

00:01:44Buddha will probably be there.

00:01:46Let's all try to get along.

00:01:49Marilyn Monroe.

00:01:50Aww.

00:01:51You're getting her from the back.

00:01:52Aww.

00:01:53You know what I'm saying?

00:01:54Even if there's one person that we may not like.

00:01:57Maybe Marlon Brando.

00:01:58You ever see him when he was young?

00:02:00Piece of ass.

00:02:01And in heaven, being gay's not bad.

00:02:03It's actually cool.

00:02:05Let's welcome him into our fold.

00:02:09I can't wait to spend forever with you, dawg.

00:02:13It's gonna be awesome.

00:02:15Me and you, forever.

00:02:18Forever.

00:02:25Worms.

00:02:28That's all we are.

00:02:31Wasting our days writhing in the mud.

00:02:35Bound to vessels that suffocate our potential.

00:02:40But for this family.

00:02:43For those who know the truth.

00:02:45Today, we reject our earthly bondage.

00:02:50And embrace our rightful destiny.

00:02:54Today, we grow legs.

00:02:58Sprout wings.

00:03:00And open eyes that see for the first time.

00:03:04Today, we return to Jalanzana.

00:03:07To Jalanzana!

00:03:10Hey.

00:03:11Hey, dude.

00:03:12Check it out.

00:03:13What?

00:03:14Look down, dude.

00:03:15Look.

00:03:16Fuck you.

00:03:17You're disgusting.

00:03:18What?

00:03:19Fuck you.

00:03:20Fuck you.

00:03:21You're disgusting.

00:03:22What?

00:03:23What?

00:03:24What?

00:03:25What?

00:03:26What?

00:03:27What?

00:03:28What?

00:03:29What?

00:03:30What?

00:03:31What?

00:03:32What?

00:03:33What?

00:03:34What?

00:03:35What?

00:03:36What?

00:03:37do we have um a rag i could wipe this with or honestly a whole new cup would be a lot better

00:03:55actually no just drink it but kathleen just rubbed her whole mouth on it right before me

00:04:00so what so what so i'm clean as a whistle i'm not trying to get herpes all over my thinking

00:04:05balls because you rubbed your ass lips all over the fucking thing chip fine

00:04:09all right that's it we're done what come on it was just a practice run who cares punishment barn

00:04:23i've been in the punishment barn all month fuck you kathleen

00:04:35shut your mouth

00:04:55stupid raccoons ain't on my kettle corns and on the go desserts

00:05:08what's up

00:05:20how we doing what's up gabe good morning

00:05:25good morning

00:05:26how's your coffee

00:05:28fuck you dude i'm fucking around should i get some coffee or what dude

00:05:32morning family

00:05:33thank you

00:05:40william hello good morning will um i was just wondering and you know

00:05:45how i hate bringing stuff up over and over again so i'm hoping we can just settle this right now

00:05:49i'm just wondering if i could have a gun

00:05:51or or a long sword like longer than what i got now because the setup now dude is not snagging

00:05:58these raccoons and they are running buck wild on my various oats and approved crackers

00:06:04that's the question

00:06:05may i have a gun

00:06:06no

00:06:07okay agenda b is it possible to get the generator in the mix because it might not feel like it indoors

00:06:13but when you're sleeping outside it gets pretty cold at night and i would love to just plug in the space heater

00:06:18are we hearing this somebody seems to forget after tonight he's gonna be kept plenty warm by the celestial bosom

00:06:26i know i'm sorry i'm fucking stupid it's gonna be awesome the bosom and i'm jacked for that shit so

00:06:34rescinded request rescinded uh everybody gather around

00:06:37so today is obviously a joyous day and we have so much to do

00:06:45but it is tuesday so you know what that means

00:06:50it's ice cream tuesday

00:06:53i thought that it couldn't possibly be ice cream tuesday but it is ice cream tuesday

00:07:00yeah i'm gonna win

00:07:02all right

00:07:04all right well elizabeth and i are going to get ready to go to town and

00:07:23when we get back i'm trusting all of you to have everything ready for our special night

00:07:28okay

00:07:29all right

00:07:31all right

00:07:53all right

00:07:57all right

00:07:59all right

00:08:03all right

00:08:17all right

00:08:21all right

00:08:23what a meal oh

00:08:25gabriel and jefferson that's got to be in your top ten stews and the little birdie told me there might be a cake

00:08:33yeah but i mean the stew was so rich and good i mean cake on top of that a little over the top right

00:08:39no i don't think so

00:08:41no i don't think so well time for cake

00:08:43yeah no i know but i'm just saying like you know we got the whole we're transcending

00:08:47and we got the whole ceremony who wants to be like bloated for that

00:08:51yes jefferson would you mind going to get the cake it would be my honor

00:08:57yeah he should he should get the cake that's right

00:09:01only thing better than a stew and a cola is a stew and a cola and some cake

00:09:05that's so true

00:09:07you just yeah that's good

00:09:09huh

00:09:23well personally i would have made the cake a little bigger myself but it is a beautiful message guys

00:09:29we right we're on a roller coaster this life of ours huh

00:09:37chip did you eat the cake for the last time no outside now

00:09:47it wasn't even that much of a little bit

00:09:53you

00:09:57clearly punishments don't work

00:09:59so instead of punishing you

00:10:01i'm going to empower you

00:10:03i had a task i had planned to entrust to jefferson

00:10:07but obviously now he has to bake a new cake

00:10:10yeah whatever it is i'll do it

00:10:12i just need you to mail an envelope

00:10:14are we sending a bomb to city hall

00:10:16no it's our tape

00:10:18that we're sending to newsline to georgian jennings to show the world what we've done here

00:10:22yes that's a beautiful plane and i will execute it to perfection for you

00:10:25it's already stamped and addressed

00:10:27all you have to do is put it in the mailbox outside the snack and go

00:10:31can i get a mr. slush

00:10:33once the envelope is in the mailbox you may get a mr. slush

00:10:36yes

00:10:37thank you william thank you so much i will not squat this opportunity

00:10:45i love crackers

00:10:47it would have been nice

00:10:49would you guys like to join me in the basement i'd love to run something by you

00:11:04god damn it

00:11:11guys

00:11:17bad news

00:11:19somebody tried to jump me

00:11:32i fought him off obviously but he did pour his slush all over the envelope we were gun and eating you one

00:11:37hello

00:11:40what the fuck is everybody

00:11:43what the fuck is everybody

00:12:07what the fuck is everybody

00:12:13that's right

00:12:19it's a lot of ah

00:12:30Oh my god, Chip, my chippy is old.

00:12:51My brother.

00:12:52Oh, my big baby.

00:12:54Hey.

00:12:55How are you?

00:12:57My son's old.

00:12:58Look at you.

00:12:59Oh, smart.

00:13:00What the hell happened to you?

00:13:16Stop eating off.

00:13:17It's time to go to work.

00:13:18You want me all backed up in the workplace, dumbass?

00:13:21You need to learn to cum faster.

00:13:24All due respect, Ma, how about a fucking pancake every once in a while?

00:13:31Pancakes didn't get your father, brother, and me losing over 300 pounds combined.

00:13:36Doesn't that motivate you?

00:13:38Make you want to make that number 600, maybe 700?

00:13:41700?

00:13:42How fucking fat do you think I am?

00:13:44How am I supposed to perform at work if I'm operating a caloric deficit all day?

00:13:49You mean clock in and play minesweep for eight hours?

00:13:51Is that what you're talking about?

00:13:52Work?

00:13:53Take a look around you, Chip.

00:13:54Look at this beautiful home with the clothes on your back.

00:13:57The certified pre-owned Ford Taurus in the driveway?

00:13:59You think your father could have given us all that if he'd been playing computer all day?

00:14:04The answer's no.

00:14:05It took determination and the ability to sell the shit out of some gravel.

00:14:10Your brother gets it.

00:14:12It's more than just piles of rocks.

00:14:14Chip, I'm sick of the excuses, kid.

00:14:16You either make a sale today or you start looking elsewhere for work.

00:14:20Elsewhere for work?

00:14:21How?

00:14:22I have no other skills.

00:14:23Maybe you shouldn't have spent five years being a sumo wrestler in China.

00:14:26For the last time, Mom, I was trained to be a karate champion in Tokyo,

00:14:29but the day before the big championship, my sensei betrayed me

00:14:32and stole my beautiful girlfriend, Akiko.

00:14:34I was too heartbroken to fight.

00:14:35And that's why I lost.

00:14:36Doesn't anybody fucking listen to me in this house?

00:14:38Enough!

00:14:39Make a sale today or you're fired.

00:14:46Hi, this is Chip Harper from Harper & Son Gravel.

00:14:49Now, it's your lucky day because we have some incredible new deals

00:14:54on some fresh, hot rocks.

00:14:59Well, I don't know.

00:15:00Would you consider sharing information with a friend a threat?

00:15:05So you're saying you've never had us out there for gravel maintenance?

00:15:08Your driveway must look like fucking shit.

00:15:10You know, people are talking.

00:15:12They're saying, if that's what the outside looks like,

00:15:14imagine how fucked up it is inside.

00:15:16Yeah, your driveway's so fucked up,

00:15:18an officer of the law believes you got junkies in there

00:15:21shooting up, sucking and fucking all over your carpets.

00:15:24I need you to go into your mommy's purse,

00:15:26take out her credit card,

00:15:28and then just really slowly read me every num-

00:15:33It's five o'clock, idiot.

00:15:35You're fired.

00:15:36You're fired!

00:15:37What the fuck? I was gonna close that!

00:15:39Saboteur! Serpent!

00:15:41Serpent!

00:15:42Fire!

00:15:43I'm gonna fucking kill you, Cody.

00:15:46The disgraced zoologist was eventually cleared

00:15:48of any inappropriate conduct with the chimpanzee.

00:15:51For Newsline, I'm Georgiane Jennings.

00:15:54What the fuck even is this little round rice?

00:15:57It's called quinoa,

00:15:58and it is an ancient grain from the jungles of Peru.

00:16:01The people who grew it have never even seen civilization before.

00:16:04Our top story tonight, a grisly discovery in an upstate cabin

00:16:09as the decomposed remains of five individuals have been found,

00:16:12the result of an apparent mass suicide.

00:16:16A group of local teens made the grisly discovery

00:16:18after breaking into the abandoned cabin,

00:16:21possibly to explore one another's bodies.

00:16:25Authorities speculate that this was a doomsday cult

00:16:28and have released this photo found at the scene.

00:16:31Police asked for any information regarding the red-haired man in the center.

00:16:36Police are also searching for a potential seventh member of the cult

00:16:40as a mysterious obese hand can be seen at the very edge of the photo.

00:16:47Look at these bozos.

00:16:49We're a bunch of dopes.

00:16:50That's probably for the best.

00:16:52If I dressed like that, I'd kill myself too.

00:16:56And that guy in the middle needs to cut that hair.

00:16:58Pumpkin-headed bitch.

00:16:59I bet they're all banging each other.

00:17:02I'm sure nobody else wants to.

00:17:05You know what? Five less freaks walking around if you ask me.

00:17:09What do you think, Chip?

00:17:13Chip?

00:17:16Chip?

00:17:17Chip's a bit real here.

00:17:19Aaaaaaaaah!

00:17:21William, you fucking piece of shit!

00:17:23I'm coming against you, motherfucker!

00:17:31You see this guy?

00:17:32Nothing.

00:17:33You see this person?

00:17:34Don't look at me like that.

00:17:35Shit.

00:17:36Shit.

00:17:37Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:17:40I thought you were this guy that ruined my life.

00:17:41Well, obviously, I'm not. Jesus.

00:17:43Okay, relax. You're really milking this lady.

00:17:46Hey, where'd you get that?

00:17:48None of your business, you shit-ass.

00:17:50God!

00:17:59Hey, hi there.

00:18:01Yeah, hi, listen. You ever see this piece of shit?

00:18:03I wish. I'd love to see a cartoon in real life.

00:18:08No, it's a real guy.

00:18:10No, he looks like one of our old regulars.

00:18:13Yeah, bad guy.

00:18:15I don't think I can prove it.

00:18:17But I think he stole our birthday prize wheel.

00:18:21Yeah, I haven't seen him in months, though.

00:18:23Shit.

00:18:24You know what? I wouldn't be surprised

00:18:26if he was mixed up in that cult stuff in the news.

00:18:29But why do you ask? Are you a policeman?

00:18:31Yeah, I'm undercover.

00:18:34FBI.

00:18:36Listen, you happen to remember this freak's favorite flavor?

00:18:39Oh, sure. Yeah.

00:18:41Strawberries.

00:18:42Yeah, I prefer vanilla myself, you know.

00:18:45Pal, listen.

00:18:46All due respect, I don't need your life story.

00:18:48I'm on an investigation, okay?

00:18:50So what I need you to do right now,

00:18:52get me two scoops of strawberry

00:18:53in a cone with sprinkles on the house.

00:18:56I gotta get in the mind of this freak.

00:18:58Can you help me scoop the ice cream?

00:19:01Can you help me scoop the ice cream?

00:19:05Oh, God damn it.

00:19:19What?

00:19:32Get the fuck out of here.

00:19:33Oh man.

00:19:34Oh man.

00:19:36I found it.

00:19:41Oh.

00:19:48Oh.

00:19:51Oh, you stupid asshole.

00:19:57I'll kill you.

00:20:02I'll kill you.

00:20:03How could you cut me out?

00:20:06I don't know what you're talking about.

00:20:07I'm Silly Billy, huh?

00:20:08Oh, you're Silly Billy, huh?

00:20:09Well, I was looking for my old pal, William.

00:20:11But I guess I'm gonna have to kill the fucking crap.

00:20:12It's me, William.

00:20:13Is it?

00:20:14Is it?

00:20:15Yes, it is.

00:20:16Why aren't you dead?

00:20:18And why aren't I dead either?

00:20:19I can talk.

00:20:20I just need you to get off me.

00:20:21I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.

00:20:23You were dead lying with the rest of them.

00:20:25The universe had another plan for me.

00:20:28Fuck this, I'm going to the cops.

00:20:33I did die, Chip.

00:20:43But I was sent back to get you.

00:20:47To get me?

00:20:48Why the fuck did you just take me with you in the first place?

00:20:50Believe me, I wanted to.

00:20:52But the others insisted we transcend without you.

00:20:55I was overruled.

00:20:56Bullshit.

00:20:57And I think because they had so much hatred in their hearts for you,

00:21:01that they didn't return to Jalanzana at all.

00:21:04They went to Golgomorth.

00:21:05And because I had nothing but love in my heart for you,

00:21:08I was spared.

00:21:09No, fuck that.

00:21:11You're fucking lying.

00:21:12Didn't you see me there, dead, with your own eyes?

00:21:22Yeah.

00:21:27Why else would I be back from the dead?

00:21:29I'm not a magician.

00:21:30I don't know.

00:21:31Maybe you had some, like, unfinished business or something.

00:21:34Right.

00:21:35Maybe you had to fix the biggest fuck up for your whole life.

00:21:38Exactly.

00:21:40You couldn't transcend without me.

00:21:42We need each other.

00:21:44That's right.

00:21:45We need each other.

00:21:46We have to start a new family.

00:21:49What's that?

00:21:50You said it yourself.

00:21:51The last one was full of snakes.

00:21:53They betrayed both of us.

00:21:55You weren't meant to die with them, and I wasn't meant to sell fucking gravel.

00:21:58They sent you back for me.

00:22:00We get another crack at this, dude.

00:22:01We're going to do it right this time.

00:22:03With your knowledge and my power, we're unstoppable, right?

00:22:06That's what you're saying, right?

00:22:08More or less.

00:22:09And we're actually going to transcend this time.

00:22:11Because we'll both be leaders.

00:22:13Co-leaders.

00:22:15Oh.

00:22:17Or you could go to fucking jail.

00:22:31Why are you a clown, dude?

00:22:33Well, think about it.

00:22:38I've been living in the woods for a while.

00:22:40Eventually I ran out of food.

00:22:42I have to go out, so I figure nobody can tell who I am in this.

00:22:46So, I go out.

00:22:48I get work.

00:22:49I get money.

00:22:50I get food.

00:22:51I go back to the woods.

00:22:53Kind of an ideal situation given the circumstances.

00:22:56But now, the heat's probably off a little bit.

00:22:59I'm kind of looking forward to starting over.

00:23:02Dating.

00:23:03Who knows?

00:23:04Dating?

00:23:05Dude, they found the bodies yesterday.

00:23:08No, they didn't.

00:23:10They found the bodies months ago because once Newsline got the tape,

00:23:13the police would have went to the house.

00:23:15Um.

00:23:16See, the thing about the tape actually is due to circumstances that were not under my control,

00:23:25I wasn't able to mail the tape.

00:23:27You didn't mail the tape.

00:23:28So, where is it?

00:23:29Well, think about me.

00:23:32You send me out on this important mission and it gets fucked up.

00:23:36Not my fault.

00:23:37So, I'm running back to make sure everything goes according to your plan.

00:23:40And how am I rewarded?

00:23:42So, I'm pissed off.

00:23:43And I build a fire.

00:23:44And I take off all my stuff from the family.

00:23:46I take off my uniform.

00:23:47I throw that in there.

00:23:48My sandals.

00:23:49So, you burned the tape.

00:23:51Yeah.

00:23:52Yeah, I burned it.

00:23:54I burned it.

00:23:55Oh.

00:23:56I burned the tape.

00:23:57You saved my life.

00:23:58You know that?

00:23:59Really?

00:24:00Really?

00:24:01Yeah.

00:24:02They had that tape.

00:24:03I'd be in prison right now.

00:24:04Holy shit.

00:24:05This is really meant to be, isn't it?

00:24:07It is.

00:24:09Hey, I got something I gotta do, so I'll be right back in just a few hours, okay?

00:24:14No way, dude.

00:24:15From now on, we're going everywhere together.

00:24:17We're gonna be like that type of twin that's like two guys mashed into each other.

00:24:21We're sharing armpits and shit.

00:24:23That's gonna be us.

00:24:26I hear it's somebody's birthday!

00:24:31Well, kids, my name is Silly Billy, and this is my partner, Pancakes.

00:24:36But Pancakes is not allowed to speak because Pancakes is in training.

00:24:43So, how did you find these guys?

00:24:46Well, we had a Power Ranger bought, but apparently his house exploded.

00:24:52The skinny one there, he's always giving me balloons in the park, so.

00:24:56I fell faster.

00:24:58Pancakes fell off the horse.

00:24:59I have to give him CPR.

00:25:03I gotta piss.

00:25:04All right, now you need to touch the show.

00:25:07It's gonna happen.

00:25:13Well, actually, Pancakes needs to go inside right now and do something else.

00:25:17So, he'll do that, and we'll see what we got in here.

00:25:22I need to get in shape.

00:25:23I guess I'll jump rope.

00:25:24Oh!

00:25:25Oh!

00:25:26Oh!

00:25:27Oh!

00:25:28Sorry about that!

00:25:29Oh!

00:25:30Oh!

00:25:31Oh!

00:25:32Oh!

00:25:33Oh!

00:25:34Oh!

00:25:35Oh!

00:25:36Oh!

00:25:37Oh!

00:25:38Oh!

00:25:39Oh!

00:25:40Oh!

00:25:41Oh!

00:25:42Oh!

00:25:43Oh!

00:25:44Oh!

00:25:45Oh, let's blow one up, huh?

00:25:47Oh!

00:25:48Oh!

00:25:49Oh!

00:25:50Oh!

00:25:51Oh!

00:25:52Oh!

00:25:53Oh!

00:25:54Oh!

00:25:55Oh!

00:25:56Oh, oh!

00:25:57Oh!

00:25:58Oh!

00:25:59I'm gonna wonder where Pancakes is. Where's Pancakes?

00:26:05Better hurry up and get back up here.

00:26:08And come back upstairs right now.

00:26:12Look at the hot dog.

00:26:15Now, did you see a lot of people think that?

00:26:18But the fighting is actually an easy part of karate.

00:26:21What's hard is the iron law and the discipline.

00:26:24See, not a lot of people got the kind of discipline I do.

00:26:27But I think you got it in you, kid.

00:26:30Thanks, Pancakes.

00:26:32Faster!

00:26:33Take it easy, lady, I'm high.

00:26:34Your mom is so small!

00:26:36What's happening?

00:26:37This woman thinks I'm trying to fuck her son.

00:26:39I never said that.

00:26:40Good, because I wasn't.

00:26:42Okay, you perverts need to get the hell out. Now!

00:26:45We are so sorry, ma'am.

00:26:46We will just take our payment and be out of your hair.

00:26:48Payment? This lunatic gave drugs to my son!

00:26:51Hey, he smoked me out!

00:26:57I don't know.

00:26:58I don't know.

00:26:59I don't know.

00:27:00I don't know.

00:27:01I don't know.

00:27:02I don't know.

00:27:03I don't know.

00:27:04Are you mad at me?

00:27:05Yeah, I am.

00:27:06I guess we really needed that 80 bucks, huh?

00:27:09Yeah, we did.

00:27:10That was kind of the whole point.

00:27:12I guess we should probably just give up.

00:27:16Yeah, I think that's the play.

00:27:18Yeah, maybe it is.

00:27:19We're out.

00:27:20Maybe it fucking isn't, you fucking dummy.

00:27:24Look at this shit, huh?

00:27:25There's 200 bones in here!

00:27:27Serves that lady right, leaving her purse unattended in her own home.

00:27:31Hey, and that's not it.

00:27:33Huh?

00:27:34That's real gold.

00:27:35We came up like 600 bucks just now, William.

00:27:38Cheer up, you little fucker.

00:27:41Hey, if you're gonna do stuff like that, though, you gotta run by me, okay?

00:27:45Okay, we're co-leaders now.

00:27:48You deserve...

00:27:49You know what?

00:27:50I should never go rogue ever again.

00:27:51Co-leaders always aligned.

00:27:53And from now on, I will run everything by you.

00:27:56Starting now, what do we do next, co-leader?

00:27:59Okay, I have a place we can go, but we cannot show up like this.

00:28:04I could use a shower, too.

00:28:06Yeah, dude, uh, you're right about that.

00:28:09I didn't want to say anything, but you smell like an armpit took a shit in a lady's pussy.

00:28:12You smell like stinky?

00:28:15Mm-hmm.

00:28:16I cannot wait to get some followers.

00:28:19I think we need like 10 or 15 to start.

00:28:22We can start with one, and we'll see how that goes.

00:28:26Okay.

00:28:35Whoa.

00:28:36That guy looks strong.

00:28:37Yeah, but he's not what we're looking for.

00:28:40Okay.

00:28:44Oh, that guy looks strong and cool.

00:28:47Not our guy.

00:28:51Who exactly are we looking for here, man?

00:28:53Someone with a certain energy.

00:28:59That's our guy.

00:29:01Oh.

00:29:02Oh.

00:29:06Your team.

00:29:09Wow.

00:29:10Look at you go.

00:29:11Oh, excuse me.

00:29:12Sorry.

00:29:13Sorry about that.

00:29:14Oh, gosh.

00:29:15The Army sure is lucky to have you.

00:29:17Yeah, well, they actually decided to go in a different direction today.

00:29:22Oh, no.

00:29:23Why's that?

00:29:24They said I have something called celery bones, which is like where the bone is a horseshoe style instead of round.

00:29:31So I can't do it.

00:29:32Somebody as strong as you, and you even have the outfit.

00:29:35They say dress for the job you want, right?

00:29:37They don't say how to dress when you don't get it.

00:29:40About how old are you?

00:29:41Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

00:29:42I'm Tyler.

00:29:43And I'm 25.

00:29:44It's nice to meet you.

00:29:45Nice to meet you, too.

00:29:46Yeah.

00:29:47That's a great name, by the way.

00:29:48Tyler, I gotta tell you, if I was the Army, I'd make you a five-star general.

00:29:52I appreciate that, sir, but you are not the real Army, and they don't want me.

00:29:57Yeah, well, I do.

00:29:58I agree with William.

00:29:59I would make you like a eight-star general.

00:30:01He's William, by the way.

00:30:02I'm sorry.

00:30:03I didn't catch your name.

00:30:04I'm Chip.

00:30:05Well, William and Chimp, it was nice to meet you guys.

00:30:08Chip.

00:30:09I don't know.

00:30:10I just have to go figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

00:30:15So, adios, I guess.

00:30:17Maybe we could help you with that.

00:30:19Do you like bowling?

00:30:22Yes.

00:30:23I do.

00:30:31The balls are fucked here, dude.

00:30:33So you guys are like a family?

00:30:35We're not like a family.

00:30:37We are a family.

00:30:39Except we don't have the petty squabbles a family has because we've chosen one another.

00:30:44That's right.

00:30:45No asshole brothers barging on your privacy.

00:30:48Dad threatening to fire you.

00:30:50No Uncle Aaron stuffing you in a sleeping bag, not letting your ass out.

00:30:53Swinging you around like a sack of wet meat.

00:30:56And you're like screaming like...

00:30:58Ah!

00:30:59Help me!

00:31:00Let me out!

00:31:01And yet he doesn't let you out and you nearly sweat to death.

00:31:05Right.

00:31:06None of that shit, no.

00:31:07And we'll fuck your uncle up if you want.

00:31:08Oh, he was in chronic pain.

00:31:09He ended it.

00:31:10Oh, well.

00:31:11If he was alive, we'd fuck him up.

00:31:12Even if he was like old as shit or in a wheelchair or had one of those fucked up little hands.

00:31:25It's true.

00:31:26We would.

00:31:27Really?

00:31:28I appreciate that guys.

00:31:29Gosh.

00:31:30Dude, you're going to learn so much from us.

00:31:32It might be hard for you to imagine, but I wasn't always just good at leadership.

00:31:36William taught me.

00:31:37And together, we're both going to teach you.

00:31:40That's right.

00:31:41Cool.

00:31:42We should hit the road, but maybe you want to pick up a change of clothes.

00:31:45Perhaps anything else of value you might own.

00:31:48It's a beautiful thing.

00:31:49We share it all.

00:31:51I'm kind of in like a transitional phase right now, but I might have a couple things back in my place.

00:32:00I got to say, I'm not really finding much here.

00:32:05Dude, speak for yourself.

00:32:06Look at this thing, huh?

00:32:07This will come in handy the next time we need to send a tape to the news, huh?

00:32:10Hey, um, Tyler, I had a question about this.

00:32:12Um, is this gold?

00:32:13Is this made of gold?

00:32:14Oh, chill, chill, chill.

00:32:15That's actually not mine to give away.

00:32:17Whose is it?

00:32:18I don't know.

00:32:19I mean, Sheriff, by the way.

00:32:20No.

00:32:21No, no, no, no.

00:32:23Uh-oh.

00:32:24You said you were joining the army or going to Vietnam or whatever.

00:32:29You can't be in here with a bunch of homeless people.

00:32:32You play with my mind too much, baby.

00:32:34She's playing, guys.

00:32:35She's just kidding.

00:32:36William, Chip, this is my beautiful fiancee, Meredith.

00:32:39You can't call someone your fiancee if they say no.

00:32:44Hey, guys.

00:32:45My name is Bo.

00:32:46I hope I'm not intruding.

00:32:48Meredith and I just had a lovely steak dinner.

00:32:51However, despite the food being delicious, he could not even hold a candle to the conversation.

00:33:01Sounds awesome, man.

00:33:02I'm Tyler.

00:33:03Pleasure to meet you.

00:33:04Thank you for your service, sir.

00:33:06Meredith, I had a lovely night, but I think I'm going to go home.

00:33:09What?

00:33:10No.

00:33:11I'm not done with you yet.

00:33:13You're staying here tonight.

00:33:14Meredith, I think you should know I am leaving town to try and find myself.

00:33:19And God willing, if I come back, I pray I may become a better man.

00:33:24Perhaps the man of your dreams.

00:33:27Leave the keys.

00:33:28Come on.

00:33:34Jesus Christ, dude, are you alright?

00:33:36I'm fine, dude.

00:33:37What are you talking about?

00:33:38I'm chilling with my new best friends.

00:33:40I'm having a good time.

00:33:42We should get going, though.

00:33:44It's about that time.

00:33:45Listen, we're about to go on an amazing journey, right?

00:33:48We're going to go see crazy stuff.

00:33:50Let me just give us one gift before we go.

00:33:53A gift of hospitality.

00:33:55Tonight, why don't we stay Casa Tyler style?

00:33:59Sleep over right here, like we did when we were babies.

00:34:03Going crazy sounds awesome, but we do kind of need to get going.

00:34:06I'm not taking no for an answer, dude.

00:34:08We're staying here tonight, and we're going to have fun.

00:34:11And you're going to have some drinks out of my fridge.

00:34:13We're going to play some games.

00:34:15We're going to have snacks.

00:34:17What kind of snacks?

00:34:18Dried fruit.

00:34:24You're really good at this game, dude.

00:34:26Thanks, man.

00:34:27Sike, I'm about to blast your little nuts.

00:34:30I've never played with someone else before.

00:34:36It was so much more fun.

00:34:38Here goes nothing.

00:34:39Oh.

00:34:40Oh, my God.

00:34:42Oh, yeah.

00:34:43Here comes everything.

00:34:45Oh!

00:34:46You guys just remember, nobody asks.

00:34:50We're here for the conference.

00:34:51Nobody ever asks.

00:34:53Do you know how many free hotel breakfasts I've gotten in my fucking life?

00:35:00When you make a wish on a star, every dream in your heart might actually come true.

00:35:07What a joke.

00:35:08No, it's a song.

00:35:09It's from a movie about the wooden child.

00:35:12I can't remember the name right now.

00:35:14I can't remember the name of the movie, but he was a wooden boy, and he taught me so many things.

00:35:20He taught me that if you lie, guess what?

00:35:23Your nose will grow as long as a hot dog.

00:35:25Somebody ought to tell her that.

00:35:26She better watch her nose.

00:35:27Who?

00:35:28Judge Linda Booch?

00:35:29Yeah.

00:35:30Why?

00:35:31What'd she do?

00:35:32I was just trying to participate in the conference.

00:35:33No.

00:35:34You know?

00:35:35Yeah.

00:35:36And I asked her a really simple, straightforward question.

00:35:37Okay.

00:35:38And she refused to answer.

00:35:39Everybody embarrassed me.

00:35:41You see those women over there?

00:35:43They're in charge of this stupid event.

00:35:45They also screamed at me.

00:35:47And they made me leave the room.

00:35:49Well, that puts them on the naughty list.

00:35:51Yeah.

00:35:52I got a target on my back.

00:35:53I'm Tyler, by the way.

00:35:54It's nice to meet you.

00:35:55Hi.

00:35:56Hey.

00:35:57I'm Diane.

00:35:58Nice to meet you, Diane.

00:35:59Why don't we tell Tyler about transcending?

00:36:01Because I said we'd do it now.

00:36:03Get him pumped off the rip.

00:36:05Not yet.

00:36:06It takes time.

00:36:07You have to build trust.

00:36:08All right.

00:36:09Well, can we tell him about the galactic palace of Namha Bajar?

00:36:11No.

00:36:12The energy dolphin swimming through an ocean of cloud?

00:36:14Not yet.

00:36:15The seduction of Balnatham?

00:36:16The ceremony of endless beginnings?

00:36:18Why can't we tell him anything cool?

00:36:19Let me lay it out for you in a way you might understand.

00:36:22Would Colonel Sanders share his secret spice recipe with somebody he just met?

00:36:27Of course not.

00:36:28He's famously tight-lipped with regards to his chicken.

00:36:31And look how successful he is.

00:36:36Holy shit.

00:36:38Morning, ladies.

00:36:39You are all looking very lovely today for a bunch of snakes.

00:36:44Um, that's my friend right there.

00:36:46That's Diane.

00:36:47That's my new friend.

00:36:48And she was just telling me about your frankly disgusting conduct that you showed her this morning.

00:36:53Vile.

00:36:54You are all being vile to her.

00:36:56And that does not sit right with me.

00:36:58Okay?

00:36:59So I'm asking you, I'm asking you as an American citizen, to go apologize to her right now.

00:37:06No threat.

00:37:07No threat.

00:37:08Not threatening you.

00:37:09But you must do it.

00:37:15Um, guys, this is Diane.

00:37:18And I feel like she might be exactly the kind of person we're looking for.

00:37:21Hi, guys.

00:37:22Hell yeah.

00:37:23Welcome, Diane.

00:37:24Um, well, hold on.

00:37:25The way you guys were talking, you said this group's all about community.

00:37:28It's all about helping kindred spirits or whatever.

00:37:30Yup.

00:37:31Mm-hmm.

00:37:32She's awesome.

00:37:33Right.

00:37:34It's just, you know, kind of a vetting process.

00:37:35And I'm sure you're a lovely person, but-

00:37:37Say no more.

00:37:38I totally get it.

00:37:39I don't want to be a burden on you.

00:37:40I've been a burden my whole life.

00:37:41Been pretty much a drain on everyone I've ever met.

00:37:43Nice.

00:37:44It's all good.

00:37:45It was nice while it lasted.

00:37:47Bye, guys.

00:37:54Hold on.

00:37:55Um, you didn't let me finish.

00:37:57We were just about to leave, and we just realized that none of us know how to use a map.

00:38:04So we could use someone to help us navigate, and we would like you to join us.

00:38:09It's my idea.

00:38:10Oh.

00:38:11Oh, my goodness.

00:38:12Oh, my goodness.

00:38:13Hell yeah.

00:38:16Awesome.

00:38:17Awesome.

00:38:18I just have to do one thing really quick.

00:38:20Um, so can I meet you in the parking lot in a couple minutes?

00:38:22Yeah.

00:38:23Yeah, for sure.

00:38:24Cool.

00:38:25Okay.

00:38:26See you then.

00:38:27Yay.

00:38:28I can't believe it.

00:38:29Diane.

00:38:30This is awesome.

00:38:31Yeah.

00:38:32It's good.

00:38:33Cool.

00:38:34Dude, I saw what you were doing back there, but I'm actually awesome at maps.

00:38:39The thing you gotta do is follow the roads.

00:38:41Oh, that's a good trick.

00:38:42I know.

00:38:43I hate you.

00:38:44You're gonna tell me who's a good mother, huh?

00:38:47You think you know everything about kids?

00:38:49You think you're Barney?

00:38:50No, you're not even Mr. Rogers.

00:38:51You're just a dumb old bitch.

00:38:52Let him down.

00:38:53Look at me.

00:38:54Fuck you!

00:38:55Fuck you!

00:38:56Fuck you!

00:38:57Fuck you!

00:38:58You think you're Barney?

00:38:59You think you're Barney?

00:39:00You think you're Barney?

00:39:01You're not even Mr. Rogers.

00:39:02You're just a dumb old bitch!

00:39:04Let him down.

00:39:05Look at me!

00:39:06Fuck you!

00:39:07Fuck you!

00:39:08Fuck you!

00:39:15So, uh, I was pretty fucking wild back there, huh?

00:39:20What was that about?

00:39:22I know.

00:39:23I'm really sorry.

00:39:24I guess I should explain.

00:39:26So that judge, that little bitch, decided to ruin my life like out of nowhere, and she

00:39:33wouldn't even reconsider her insane ruling today.

00:39:35That's what I was doing there.

00:39:37Because of her, I'm not allowed to see my son anymore.

00:39:39What?

00:39:40Not really.

00:39:41And you know, I'm not even exactly sure why.

00:39:43I used to do this really fun thing with him where I would take him to abandoned houses,

00:39:48and I'd help him through the window, and he'd unlock the door for me, and then we would

00:39:52sneak in, and we would go exploring.

00:39:54He loved it.

00:39:55He really did.

00:39:56Wow.

00:39:57But then one day we went into this house that I really thought was abandoned because

00:40:00it looked like such shit, you know, and really, really bad, but it turns out that

00:40:03some guy was living in there.

00:40:05Oh.

00:40:06And they took him away for that?

00:40:08Basically.

00:40:09We set off some fireworks too, but I never would have done that if I knew that somebody

00:40:12was living in there, you know?

00:40:13Like, I'm not that kind of person anymore.

00:40:15I would never do that.

00:40:16Right.

00:40:17I just, my ex, Shawn's dad made up some really bad shit about my work situation right

00:40:21now, and the judge took his side even though I'm his mom.

00:40:24There's nothing like a mother's love.

00:40:26He needs him.

00:40:28I know that was a lot, so I understand if you guys want to pull over to the side of the

00:40:32highway and dump me off.

00:40:34No.

00:40:35Yeah, I know it's hard, but I appreciate your understanding.

00:40:38We all do.

00:40:39No, I love the way you handled yourself back then.

00:40:45My family would never fight for me like that.

00:40:49I remember when I was a little kid.

00:40:51One time I was wrongfully accused of stealing six bags of Reese's Pieces from the J&F market.

00:40:55My mom didn't take my side.

00:40:57She made me give back all her candy to the old ladies that saw me take it.

00:41:00I wish I had a mom that would destroy a Plymouth for me.

00:41:03Really?

00:41:04You too.

00:41:05Yeah.

00:41:06Thanks, guys.

00:41:07You're really special.

00:41:09I guess my only thing is that you did assault that concierge that pulled you off of the judge's car.

00:41:18So I'm fairly certain that the police are looking for us.

00:41:22Okay, so they're probably looking for this car.

00:41:25We dump it and steal a new one.

00:41:26Easy.

00:41:27That's perfect.

00:41:28And we add Grand Theft Auto to the charges.

00:41:36Wait.

00:41:38I think I got it.

00:41:40I hate doing the ceiling.

00:41:42I mean, every painter knows.

00:41:43Like, doing a ceiling, painting the ceiling.

00:41:46Like, when it drips in your mouth.

00:41:49You get sick.

00:41:50Yeah.

00:41:50That's the worst.

00:41:51That's probably...

00:41:52That's got to be my least favorite.

00:41:53I think every painter...

00:41:55If you're a painter, you know you hate doing the ceiling.

00:41:58Then you got that.

00:41:59You got to take a week off.

00:42:00You're bedridden.

00:42:01Yeah.

00:42:01And then you're staring at the ceiling.

00:42:03You're looking at the ceiling.

00:42:04That made you sick.

00:42:04That's a great sort of irony.

00:42:05Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:42:06What the fuck are you guys doing, huh?

00:42:09What are you doing?

00:42:10Oh, we were painting the garage.

00:42:13Yeah, no shit, you're painting the garage.

00:42:14You're painting my garage, and I don't want my garage painted.

00:42:17Wait.

00:42:18Wait.

00:42:19Well, when we were talking on the phone, you were like, paint the garage.

00:42:23And you weren't as mad.

00:42:25No.

00:42:26What's the address?

00:42:28767 Maple Avenue.

00:42:30Maple Avenue.

00:42:31Yeah.

00:42:31It's yummy, like the syrup.

00:42:33It's yummy at the syrup.

00:42:33That's how you remember it.

00:42:34That's how you remember it, yeah.

00:42:35This is Maple Lane, dickheads.

00:42:39Oh, fuck.

00:42:41Shit.

00:42:43Yeah, you fucked up big time.

00:42:44Are you sure?

00:42:45Am I sure?

00:42:46It's my fucking house.

00:42:48Get the fuck out of here.

00:42:49Go.

00:42:49Man, this has happened before.

00:42:51Yeah, no, this.

00:42:51We're sorry about it.

00:42:52Sorry.

00:42:54No, no, no, no, put that down.

00:42:55You don't take your stuff.

00:42:56You get your stuff when you come back with white paint,

00:42:58and you paint my garage white the way it was.

00:43:01The way my beautiful wife designed it.

00:43:03Sorry about that.

00:43:04Sorry.

00:43:05Sorry.

00:43:05Sorry to you and your wife.

00:43:06Don't apologize.

00:43:07She's gorgeous.

00:43:08She's an acclaimed Pilates instructor.

00:43:09Whoa.

00:43:10Yeah, it's fucking cool.

00:43:12Now leave!

00:43:16We got the crew.

00:43:26Who's ready to become the most awesome version of themselves possible?

00:43:30Yeah, we might be looking at a couple strubs right now, but when we get to William's, uh,

00:43:35William, William, tell Diane about this place, man.

00:43:39Uh, well, you know, it's big.

00:43:41It's on a leg.

00:43:42I own it.

00:43:43Um, it might just be the chrysalis from which we emerge our true selves.

00:43:49A little slice of paradise.

00:43:50Ha, ha, ha, ha, paradise.

00:43:52Fuck yeah.

00:43:53William's paradise.

00:43:54William's paradise.

00:43:57William's paradise.

00:43:58And now the sun is shining.

00:44:02All day long there'll be no more clouds in the sky.

00:44:07Just the sun for you and I.

00:44:12Sunshine.

00:44:13There's only sunshine waiting for you and me.

00:44:26Here's all the happiness we dream that it would bring.

00:44:34There'll be no more clouds in the sky.

00:44:36No more wonderin' white sunshine.

00:44:58What's going on?

00:44:59Oh, just, uh, had to, uh, help, uh, injured moose across the road.

00:45:05Where are we?

00:45:06Why are you dressed like Dad?

00:45:07Well, we were all going pretty stir-crazy in the car.

00:45:10We figured, fuck it, let's stop and get some new threads.

00:45:13Went to a little camping store.

00:45:14Got decked out.

00:45:16Don't worry.

00:45:16We got some for you, too.

00:45:18What?

00:45:19You wanted to drive through the whole night?

00:45:22Yeah.

00:45:23That's crazy.

00:45:24We need a little break.

00:45:25We deserve to kind of chill out, maybe have some dinner, huh?

00:45:29We stopped at a grocery store, and guess what?

00:45:31We're gonna have a little barbecue.

00:45:33Camping style.

00:45:34Our friend Diane here called ahead, got us a great plot.

00:45:37She's a hell of a negotiator, this one.

00:45:39Why didn't you wake me up?

00:45:41Well, come on, dude.

00:45:42You were out cold.

00:45:43We tried.

00:45:45I don't want to go camping.

00:45:46So, basically, I think my dream, if it were to come true, would be to finally guess the

00:45:55amount of jelly beans in the jar of my mom.

00:45:58That would be fucking awesome.

00:45:59That's a great fucking answer, dude.

00:46:00Thanks, man.

00:46:01Hell yeah.

00:46:02How about you, Diane?

00:46:04Wildest dreams.

00:46:05Wildest dreams.

00:46:06I would want to get a parrot.

00:46:14Okay.

00:46:15That's nice, but come on.

00:46:16Think bigger than a parrot.

00:46:17We can get you a parrot.

00:46:18Anything in the world.

00:46:19What do you want your life to look like?

00:46:22Okay.

00:46:23I've never told anyone this before, but I would want to be an actress in TV commercials.

00:46:30You know?

00:46:32Like, I want to be one of those women by the shower, and they're spritzing it, and they

00:46:36go, just look at that shine.

00:46:39Like that.

00:46:40Wow.

00:46:41But I could never.

00:46:42I could never.

00:46:42Nobody would want me to do that.

00:46:43What do you mean you could never?

00:46:44You just did.

00:46:46Yeah.

00:46:46Yeah, I would buy $1,000 worth of cleaning supplies off that pitch alone.

00:46:51You're a natural.

00:46:52For real.

00:46:53And if you're this good now, just imagine what it's going to be like when we transcend.

00:46:57What does transcend mean?

00:46:58I meant, I didn't say it.

00:47:02I said tan skin.

00:47:03When we tan skin at William's Paradise, there's going to be so much, by the lake, so much sun,

00:47:10and everybody likes a tan actor, right?

00:47:12Hey, Diane?

00:47:13Yeah.

00:47:13Diane, would you mind going to get us some sodas from the vending machine?

00:47:17Totally, yeah.

00:47:18I hope we have a great diet for me.

00:47:24You like to tan skin, right, dude?

00:47:26I've never been able to.

00:47:28My skin is like paper.

00:47:36They should put beer in those, don't you think?

00:47:40Yeah, I guess so.

00:47:42I ain't never seen you stay here before.

00:47:44I'd know, because I'm always here.

00:47:48That's mine.

00:47:48You ever been in one of them before?

00:47:54Oh, man.

00:47:56It's like a big car with a bed.

00:48:01I didn't catch your name?

00:48:03It's Gertrude.

00:48:04Gertrude, I'm going to stop beating around the bush.

00:48:08I ain't seen something as pretty as you in a long, long time.

00:48:12And even though you got the name of a real old lady,

00:48:15I'd like to invite you on to my house.

00:48:19They have sex with me.

00:48:21My wife is taking care of her sister this week.

00:48:28No, thank you.

00:48:29Bye.

00:48:30The door's always open.

00:48:38Thanks.

00:48:40Love you.

00:48:42Just in time.

00:48:44A little soda to wash down these dogs.

00:48:48Hey, Tyler, you got to double it up.

00:48:49What are you doing with a single dog?

00:48:51I don't even know.

00:48:52You're embarrassing yourself.

00:48:54Yeah.

00:48:56What's the most hot dogs you ever had in a day?

00:48:58Hey, look who it is.

00:49:04What's up?

00:49:05Yeah.

00:49:06What's up, dude?

00:49:07What is this?

00:49:08Does somebody want to tell me what's happening?

00:49:09Who is this?

00:49:11I'm Jim Smith.

00:49:13I'm part of the family.

00:49:16Okay.

00:49:17It's time we come clean.

00:49:18And earlier, we weren't stopping to help a moose across the road.

00:49:22We were picking up Jim Smith.

00:49:24Yeah.

00:49:24The family grows stronger with another member.

00:49:27Hey, listen.

00:49:28I know what you're going to say.

00:49:29We vetted him.

00:49:31Don't worry.

00:49:31Yeah.

00:49:32It's all good.

00:49:33William's paradise.

00:49:35Sounds like a dream come true.

00:49:39Chip.

00:49:42Chip.

00:49:44What?

00:49:45Let's talk.

00:49:46I'm doing hot dogs.

00:49:47Now.

00:49:48Jimmy, why don't you take it over for me, buddy?

00:50:01You like hot dogs?

00:50:05Mm-hmm.

00:50:07This is not working.

00:50:10What are you talking about?

00:50:11I gave you a chance.

00:50:13I gave you the keys.

00:50:15And you're just...

00:50:15And I'm doing a fucking great job.

00:50:17You're doing the opposite of a great job.

00:50:19You're doing everything I said we should not be doing.

00:50:22You're building too fast.

00:50:24You're telling them about transcending before they even know the teachings.

00:50:27You're spending all our money on camping gear.

00:50:29You picked up a hitchhiker who may well be a murderer.

00:50:32Jim Smith's cool.

00:50:33You're overreacting.

00:50:34I really don't think I am.

00:50:36And you're not going to like this.

00:50:37But I've made a decision to demote you from the position of co-leader of this family.

00:50:42You can't demote me.

00:50:43No, we're co-leaders.

00:50:45You don't make that decision by yourself.

00:50:46I already have.

00:50:48No, fuck that.

00:50:49Because you forgot our arrangement.

00:50:50Either we do this together as co-leaders, or I'll take you to the cops.

00:50:54Oh, interesting.

00:50:55Okay.

00:50:55Yeah, call the police.

00:50:57And they'll come and they'll haul me away.

00:50:59And then, what do you think is going to happen with all those people?

00:51:02And you have nowhere to take them.

00:51:04They're going to leave.

00:51:05And you're going to be alone.

00:51:06This is fucked up, dude.

00:51:08Hey.

00:51:10It's only temporary.

00:51:12We can reassess once we get to the lake house.

00:51:14How about that?

00:51:15I mean, maybe there was one or two things I could have run by you, but this is fucking extreme, dude.

00:51:19Look.

00:51:20One day, when we've transcended together, you'll understand.

00:51:25This is a song I used to know in another lifetime.

00:51:48So I apologize if I'm a little rusty.

00:51:50They woke up in the dark.

00:52:00They learned to walk in the dark.

00:52:05They sang their songs.

00:52:18They said, don't go.

00:52:19You'll be afraid.

00:52:20They said, don't go.

00:52:21You'll be afraid.

00:52:22I smiled.

00:52:23I smiled.

00:52:24Turned my eyes.

00:52:25Turned my eyes.

00:52:26You'll be afraid.

00:52:27I smiled.

00:52:28Turned my eyes.

00:52:30Toward the sun.

00:52:31She wandered from the path they laid.

00:52:32She wandered from the path they laid.

00:52:33She wandered from the path they laid.

00:52:37She wandered from the path they laid.

00:52:40They said, don't go.

00:52:41You'll be afraid.

00:52:46I smiled.

00:52:51Turned my eyes toward the sun.

00:52:57You'll be afraid.

00:53:00There is an image to the star.

00:53:18That's crazy.

00:53:36You can go over it ever and ever.

00:53:40You're cheating.

00:53:41You have to be a straighter.

00:53:46Morning, family.

00:53:48Good morning, William.

00:53:50Got you a cup of coffee.

00:53:52I thought you might like some of that.

00:53:54Thank you, Tyler.

00:53:55You're welcome.

00:53:58I slept like a baby last night.

00:54:00That's great to hear.

00:54:02Diane, good morning.

00:54:03Good morning, William.

00:54:04Uh-oh.

00:54:05You have a little leaf in your ear.

00:54:07Uh-oh.

00:54:08Oh, no.

00:54:10It's so soft.

00:54:11It's like feathers.

00:54:13Good morning.

00:54:15I gotta say,

00:54:16you three are brimming with potential today.

00:54:19Oh, my God.

00:54:21I mean it.

00:54:23Ah, Chip.

00:54:25You decided to join us.

00:54:27Yeah.

00:54:29You missed a really wonderful discussion last night.

00:54:32Basically, we are all worms.

00:54:35Yeah, I know that one.

00:54:36All right, gang.

00:54:40I'm going to hit the showers.

00:54:42Chip, why don't you go ahead and start breaking down the tents for us, okay?

00:54:45Hey, Chip, dude, um, is everything okay, man?

00:55:02Yeah, dude.

00:55:02Everything's fucking awesome.

00:55:04Good.

00:55:04It's just, uh, you seem kind of down.

00:55:07What?

00:55:08Nah, dude.

00:55:08I was up all night thinking about all the chicks I slammed, actually.

00:55:11Oh, my God.

00:55:12Yeah.

00:55:12That's excellent.

00:55:13It was fucking sick.

00:55:13That's so sick.

00:55:14It's just, uh, I'm pretty sure I saw you crying last night at the fire.

00:55:18What the fuck, dude?

00:55:20Don't you ever fucking lie about me again.

00:55:21I don't cry, dude.

00:55:22If you saw anything and you didn't, probably what you saw was me being sad because William's

00:55:28song sucks so much dick.

00:55:30I thought the song was awesome at rock.

00:55:32Yeah, dude, you would think some shit like that.

00:55:34You're fucking weak-minded.

00:55:35I just want to let you know, man.

00:55:37Like, if you're hurting, trust me, I've been hurt before.

00:55:40I've been hurt in ways that are illegal.

00:55:43But if you are feeling bad, just let me know, man.

00:55:47I'm here for you.

00:55:47We're a family now.

00:55:48Dude, I don't need shit like that.

00:55:50I'm at the top of this thing.

00:55:52I'm-I've been here longer than you.

00:55:53You don't help me with stuff.

00:55:54I help you with stuff.

00:55:55Okay, I'm sorry.

00:55:56I've stepped over a boundary and I-

00:55:58Yeah, you did.

00:55:58I'm very sorry.

00:55:59I'm sorry about that.

00:56:00You fucked up, dude.

00:56:00Okay, I'm sorry for bothering you, dude.

00:56:03You're slowing me down.

00:56:03I'm sorry.

00:56:04I have an important job.

00:56:05Were you assigned a job?

00:56:06I don't know.

00:56:06No, because you're not trustworthy enough.

00:56:09Sorry, dude.

00:56:10All yours, ginger dick.

00:56:25Thanks.

00:56:27Holy shit.

00:56:29Holy fucking shit.

00:56:31Three balls, Billy.

00:56:33How's that third nut, brother?

00:56:34Oh, you must be thinking of somebody else.

00:56:36Oh, bullshit.

00:56:37It's me.

00:56:38It's Robbie.

00:56:39Come on, man.

00:56:40How you been?

00:56:41You still hanging out with all those busted theater girls?

00:56:44Follow you around?

00:56:45Call you a wizard?

00:56:46Different guy.

00:56:48Come on.

00:56:49Robbie.

00:56:50You around.

00:56:50I shit in your history book.

00:56:52Smushed it shut.

00:56:54You mistaken me for someone else?

00:56:56No, no, no, no.

00:56:57I'm pretty sure it's you.

00:56:58Matter of fact, I was just thinking about you.

00:57:00Saw a picture of a fucking guy on the news.

00:57:03Thought it was you, but wasn't sure.

00:57:05Had a lady's haircut.

00:57:06But seeing you here in person, I think it was you.

00:57:09What's going on, man?

00:57:11That wasn't me.

00:57:14Oh, all right.

00:57:16I get it.

00:57:17Hey, I'd do the same thing, too, if they were looking for me.

00:57:21Well, good seeing you, Bill.

00:57:24Okay, everybody, it's time to go.

00:57:36Time to go.

00:57:37Let's get in the car.

00:57:39Let's leave everything.

00:57:40Trust me.

00:57:41Tyler, I'd love to invite you to drive for us today.

00:57:44Are you serious?

00:57:45I am.

00:57:46And Diane, our navigator.

00:57:49We couldn't do it without you.

00:57:50Please resume your position.

00:57:51Ah!

00:57:52Okay, leave everything.

00:57:54Let's go into the car.

00:57:56We won't need tents where we're going.

00:57:58And we'll all have our own bedrooms overlooking the lake.

00:58:13I think it's going to be the perfect place for us to become who we were always meant to be.

00:58:18Hello?

00:58:47Hello?

00:58:47Hey, Aunt Bev?

00:58:50It's Billy.

00:58:51Sandra, is that you?

00:58:55I'm not too hungover today to party, girl, but you can hang out if you want.

00:58:59Your bikini's in the bathroom.

00:59:03Aunt Bev, is that you?

00:59:04Who is that?

00:59:08I'm Billy.

00:59:09Can we in here?

00:59:10Honey, where have you been?

00:59:19Where have I been?

00:59:21I mean, I've been a lot of places.

00:59:23Where's my aunt?

00:59:25Honey, I'm sorry to have to say this, but your Aunt Bev passed about six months ago.

00:59:30Oh, she was sick for a couple years.

00:59:36I didn't know that.

00:59:38But she cared for you a whole lot, you know that?

00:59:41Yeah, I mean, she was my favorite aunt.

00:59:44She was my only aunt.

00:59:45And you didn't think to call in, what, six years?

00:59:53Yeah, I should have called.

00:59:56Who are you?

00:59:58I'm Dorota.

01:00:00Did your aunt's hair for years.

01:00:01I started getting friendly when she got sick.

01:00:04I helped her out.

01:00:05I miss her, I do.

01:00:07Ah, she was so kind to me.

01:00:10She left me this place, she didn't have to do that.

01:00:13She always said she was going to leave me the house.

01:00:16She wanted to.

01:00:18It broke her heart, honey.

01:00:20How hard is it to pick up the phone?

01:00:22It's probably the prettiest place I've ever been in my whole life.

01:00:28I knew two boys that drowned in a leg once.

01:00:37Sorry, guys.

01:00:38This is not my property.

01:00:40It's my aunt's, and she's dead, and she left it to her hairdresser instead of me.

01:00:47So, this whole thing is over.

01:00:50Thanks for coming.

01:00:50This whole thing just wasn't meant to be.

01:00:55Wow.

01:00:56That really sucks.

01:00:59What?

01:01:02Chip, what are you doing?

01:01:04Chip?

01:01:07Hello?

01:01:09Ma'am?

01:01:10I told you to leave.

01:01:13Who are you?

01:01:15Oh, hi.

01:01:15I'm Chip.

01:01:16I'm friends with William.

01:01:17Uh, I'm not sure how much he told you, but our group is really depending on this house.

01:01:23Group?

01:01:23He didn't say anything about a group.

01:01:25That little shit just came in here and threatened me with legal, said he was going to get me out of my house.

01:01:30Yeah, no, that sounds like him.

01:01:32He could definitely be a dickhead sometimes.

01:01:33The thing is, though, me and my friends just really don't have anywhere else to go.

01:01:39Whoa.

01:01:40Sick pinata.

01:01:41Is that beer smoking weed?

01:01:43Yeah, me and myself.

01:01:45You keep a really nice home.

01:01:46Uh, anyway, it's just, we've been on the road just trying to get here for days, and everyone in the crew is so awesome.

01:01:53You have Tyler, who's this tall, strong, physical specimen, and Diane, she's beautiful and nice and just trying to get her son back.

01:02:01And then there's Jim Smith, who's a foreign man of some kind.

01:02:05We'll do whatever it takes to stay here.

01:02:06We'll do your laundry.

01:02:07We'll cook for you.

01:02:08We'll clean.

01:02:09Uh, we'll secure the premises.

01:02:11We just, we just really need a place to become our best selves.

01:02:13I'm sorry, honey, I don't think I can house a whole crew of people, I don't know.

01:02:19No, I know, you're right, it's just, I owed it to everybody to give it a shot.

01:02:25Um, thank you for hearing me out.

01:02:29It's a shame, too, this really is such an awesome place.

01:02:33Is that a vintage Derota the Destroyer poster?

01:02:37God, now you're just trying to butter me up.

01:02:39What?

01:02:43No way!

01:02:50Are you kidding me right now?

01:02:52Come on.

01:02:53You know who I am?

01:02:54Do I know who you are?

01:02:55I remember this exactly.

01:02:57May 9th, 1981, the Superdome.

01:02:59You got fucked.

01:03:00The ref turned his back and Marvelous Mabel hit you over the head with a steel chair, pinned you.

01:03:04She stole the championship from you.

01:03:05You should have been the champ.

01:03:06You got fucked.

01:03:08God, that thing was rigged.

01:03:10He's breaking to you, kid.

01:03:11They're all rigged.

01:03:12You had such cool moves.

01:03:14The Dance of Destruction, Thigh Blaster.

01:03:17Come on, are you kidding me?

01:03:19That was a long time ago.

01:03:21God, but you were so electric.

01:03:22What's going on?

01:03:22Why are you here?

01:03:23You should be headlining main events right now.

01:03:25Yeah, that was a lot of fun, but nobody wants to watch an old lady parade around next to nothing

01:03:30and crush a man's head with her thighs.

01:03:32Well, speak for yourself, sister.

01:03:41What the hell is he doing?

01:03:48Oh, my God.

01:03:50That was one of the coolest ways I've ever busted.

01:03:55I'm not even close to being done with you yet.

01:03:57I'm not even close to being done with you yet.

01:04:27Thigh Blast me.

01:04:42Like that little piggy?

01:04:44Yes!

01:04:45Prove it!

01:04:46Oink!

01:04:47Oink!

01:04:48Oink!

01:04:49Oink!

01:04:56Paintball.

01:04:59Holy crap, dude.

01:05:00It's so cool that Chip saved the day.

01:05:07Oink!

01:05:07Hey, everybody.

01:05:09I have something I'd like to say.

01:05:11I've decided to step down from my position as a leader.

01:05:16Because I think we've all realized something.

01:05:19Actually, I want to get this on camera.

01:05:22William, what are you talking about, man?

01:05:23I'd like to give a toast to Chip.

01:05:30He's the one true leader of this group.

01:05:32And he always has been.

01:05:33To Chip!

01:05:35Let's go!

01:05:36Would you follow Chip anywhere?

01:05:39Oh, without hesitation.

01:05:44Chip is an awesome leader.

01:05:47He got us this beautiful new home.

01:05:49He's the smartest man I've ever met.

01:06:19Dear Chip, this isn't an easy note to write, but last night it became clear to me that

01:06:41I shouldn't be here anymore.

01:06:44I've always feared I never had a real purpose here, and now I know for sure.

01:06:49I'm certain you will continue to be a powerful leader to everyone else, but I know that I'm

01:06:54not worthy to receive your leadership, and perhaps I'm not even worthy of this life.

01:07:02Goodbye, William.

01:07:13Today we lost an important man.

01:07:15He was wise.

01:07:16He was brilliant.

01:07:17He was smart.

01:07:18But perhaps his greatest attribute was understanding when he was no longer needed.

01:07:23Yes, his greatest masterstroke was knowing that to stand in the way of the supernova of leadership

01:07:29I've become would have been completely futile.

01:07:33To this family that William abandoned, I promised to take us to heights that he couldn't even

01:07:37imagine.

01:07:38And William, though you've now transcended and are likely experiencing pleasures we can't

01:07:44even comprehend, the festival of endless beginnings, likely seated at the table of Garnatham himself,

01:07:53gorging yourself on his fat berries and juices, we miss you.

01:07:57One day we'll all be with you, William.

01:08:00We'll be where you are.

01:08:03And on that day I will, of course, maintain my leadership position over you.

01:08:07But you won't have a problem with it this time.

01:08:10You won't have a problem with it this time.

01:08:11To William.

01:08:12To William.

01:08:13To William.

01:08:14To William.

01:08:15You're not allowed in Europe, but you don't remember why?

01:08:32I think it's a family thing we did long ago.

01:08:35Where are your family from?

01:08:38Middle of Germany.

01:08:41Wait, go back!

01:08:41Wherein my client, William Davenport, was held captive for years, forced to sleep in

01:08:48an unheated barn by the leader of the cult, Chip Harper.

01:08:53This sick, depraved individual forced my client to take part in a myriad of twisted acts, including

01:09:02a group suicide ritual, during which my client was finally able to escape, only to be tracked

01:09:09down several months later by Mr. Harper, who at which time threatened and forced poor Mr.

01:09:16Davenport to join yet another suicide cult.

01:09:20Only through cunning wit and the bravest of hearts was my client able to escape this dangerous,

01:09:26disgusting, unregulated militia and flee to safety.

01:09:31At which point he contacted me, Don Wright.

01:09:34At this time, we're gonna open it up for questions.

01:09:36Ooh, yes.

01:09:37Beautiful woman in the front row.

01:09:38How are you?

01:09:39He's fuckin' lying.

01:09:40He never spent a night in the punishment barn.

01:09:42I find it was too good to be true.

01:09:44It's not.

01:09:45What we have is real.

01:09:46I can clear this all up.

01:09:47You gotta believe me.

01:09:48And you guys gotta believe me, too.

01:09:49A lot of that was very concerning, man.

01:09:53Oh, no, dude.

01:09:54What?

01:09:55Fuck, gosh.

01:09:56I'll explain everything, but we gotta go now.

01:09:58We gotta go now.

01:09:59We gotta go now.

01:10:00We gotta go now.

01:10:01I'll buy you some time.

01:10:02Y'all don't deserve this kind of trouble.

01:10:04Fuck.

01:10:05I can't get in trouble with the police.

01:10:08You're a good woman, Dorota.

01:10:10I'm doing this for them, Chip.

01:10:12Not you.

01:10:13Oh, D, what are they doing to you, baby?

01:10:35Guys, this way.

01:10:36Sam, Chip, was that all true?

01:10:39Is this a suicide cult?

01:10:41No.

01:10:42William's full of shit.

01:10:43He's the leader of the old family, not me.

01:10:45Were you gonna kill us?

01:10:46No, of course not.

01:10:48When the time came, I was hoping you would wanna

01:10:49kill yourselves with me.

01:10:52I know how that sounds, but it's not death.

01:10:53It's transcending.

01:10:55Is that what transcendence means, killing yourself?

01:10:58It's about so much more than that.

01:11:00There's so much bullshit here.

01:11:01When we transcend, that all goes away.

01:11:04No dumb judge taking advantage of you,

01:11:05stealing your family, no one to break your heart.

01:11:08You're just hanging out with your best friends all the time.

01:11:11Doesn't that sound awesome?

01:11:13Best friends don't lie to each other, and they don't manipulate each other.

01:11:16I thought we were supposed to help each other, man, and make the best of this life right

01:11:19now.

01:11:20We are, guys.

01:11:21Come on.

01:11:22You don't get it.

01:11:23That sounds a little far-fetched, and I didn't want to tell you this, but I know it's true,

01:11:27because I brought William back to life.

01:11:31I'm serious.

01:11:32I saw him.

01:11:33He was dead.

01:11:34The old group, they tried to transcend without me, but they were a bunch of snakes.

01:11:37They had hate in their hearts, so they couldn't do it right.

01:11:39They all died.

01:11:40William, too.

01:11:41They brought him back for me.

01:11:43We were supposed to get a second chance at this.

01:11:46I was supposed to transcend with a good family this time.

01:11:52Guys, I think we should just go back, explain to the police everything that happened, and

01:11:56just pray for the best.

01:11:58It's so sad how people can lie to themselves.

01:12:19Could Chip hear himself?

01:12:20Some people can't face reality even when it slaps them in the face.

01:12:24It's pathetic.

01:12:25I don't understand why all these bad things keep happening to me.

01:12:28Well, I'm doing so good.

01:12:30And I promised Meredith I'd come back a better man.

01:12:33Let's hope she forgot about that one.

01:12:36Wow.

01:12:38I hope this doesn't come off really nasty.

01:12:41But when it comes to delusion, Chip has nothing on you two.

01:12:45Diane, when are you going to admit that your life is a result of your own choices?

01:12:50And Tyler, no matter how much you don't want your relationship to be over,

01:12:55you have to face the facts.

01:12:57She's just not that into you, dude.

01:13:00Then again, who am I to judge?

01:13:03When I first met you guys, I was still reeling from losing my position within the ranks of

01:13:08a top secret government program.

01:13:10After a failed assassination attempt on the Vice Premier of Morocco, I was shot four times

01:13:16and left for dead in the Aegean Sea.

01:13:21Thanks only to the kindness of the fisherman whose nets lifted my near lifeless body from

01:13:27the frothy waters did I survive.

01:13:30I heard rumors of a false flag terrorist attack being coordinated by the United States and Saudi Arabia.

01:13:38I was hitchhiking to Wyoming, planning to execute Vice Presidential Candidate Richard Cheney,

01:13:45who my sources indicate is the chief architect of this plot.

01:13:51After just a few hours with you guys, I felt so foolish.

01:13:56I realized I've been wasting my life committing violence so I could feel a sense of purpose.

01:14:03I realized that hanging out with cool friends, that's all I really need.

01:14:09This family taught me to love again.

01:14:14But now it seems like it's falling apart, and there's nothing we can do.

01:14:20And it sucks.

01:14:22Jim Smith is right, except for I do think you're wrong about one thing.

01:14:26You are wrong about the fact that we can't do anything about this.

01:14:30Chip might be all messed up in the head, but listen, he's our friend, okay?

01:14:36And I think we gotta go back for him.

01:14:40Let's do this thing.

01:14:44Chip!

01:14:45Where are you, buddy?

01:14:48Yeah, come on, man.

01:14:51Chip?

01:14:52Chip!

01:14:53Chip, I'm coming for you, buddy!

01:14:54Oh my God, Chip!

01:15:01Chip, dude, come on, man.

01:15:03I got you, I got you.

01:15:05Dude!

01:15:10Fuck!

01:15:11Where the fuck am I?

01:15:13We brought you back, buddy.

01:15:15What? Why?

01:15:16I screwed you guys big time.

01:15:18You guys sold some bogus, dude.

01:15:20We figured you could use some help sorting out the bad from the good.

01:15:24You guys are the best.

01:15:25When I was just dead right now, nothing fucking cool happened at all.

01:15:28It fucking sucked.

01:15:29I didn't grow wings and fly on the celestial orbit.

01:15:32I didn't get the fucking crown jewels of princess Namahar no more.

01:15:37I believe William's bullshit.

01:15:39He fucked my head up so bad.

01:15:41And then I was so charming and seductive when you met me, I fucked your heads up bad.

01:15:46I almost lost you guys.

01:15:49I'm not gonna let it happen again.

01:15:51Now that you've passed my test.

01:15:53Chip.

01:15:54Okay, I'm sorry.

01:15:55Now that you've saved my life and I'm very appreciative for you,

01:15:59I'm gonna repay the favor.

01:16:01I'm gonna save your lives.

01:16:03I know how we could clear our names.

01:16:08Yeah.

01:16:09Okay, so with that last cult, the night before we were all gonna kill ourselves,

01:16:12William made us do this fucked up tape.

01:16:14Okay.

01:16:16So on this tape, that motherfucker is clearly the leader.

01:16:19He's admitting it himself.

01:16:20He wants the whole world to know.

01:16:22The rest of the tape now.

01:16:28The important thing is, William thinks I burned the tape.

01:16:31He thinks all the evidence is gone.

01:16:34But I didn't burn it.

01:16:35As embarrassed as I am about it now,

01:16:37I just couldn't bring myself to destroy those memories.

01:16:40Now the bad news is...

01:16:41Fuck!

01:16:42The problem is, that tape is all the way the fuck back at that first house

01:16:46where William brainwashed me.

01:16:49Isn't that like really far?

01:16:50If you're dicking around, yeah, it is.

01:16:52But if we drive straight through, no stopping for hotel breakfast,

01:16:55no video games, no hitchhikers, we can get there in less than a day.

01:16:59We just need a real set of wheels.

01:17:03Oh, I have an idea!

01:17:12Well, well.

01:17:14Who do we have here?

01:17:15I was wondering if that offer for sex while your wife's away still stands?

01:17:19You're just in time, Gertrude.

01:17:21My sister-in-law's back on solid food.

01:17:23Means the missus will be back any day now.

01:17:25I just have one problem.

01:17:27I need to do it outside.

01:17:29It's the only way that I like it.

01:17:31It's beautiful and natural.

01:17:33Just the right amount of knotting, you know?

01:17:35Oh, girl!

01:17:36Careful now!

01:17:37I'm all boned up.

01:17:38You're getting me to shoot right here where I stand.

01:17:40Uh-oh.

01:17:42Come and get me before I change my mind.

01:17:44Good things do happen to good people.

01:17:56Hey!

01:17:57It's my grandmother, Garvey!

01:17:59Hey!

01:18:00Hey!

01:18:01The gravel has scraped my penis!

01:18:04Behind me stands what most would call a normal-looking home just outside a sleepy Midwestern town.

01:18:23But within those walls, it was anything but normal.

01:18:28Meet Billy Davenport, an innocent man who fell under the spell of one of the world's most depraved criminals.

01:18:37It's honestly a little uncomfortable being back this close to the house.

01:18:42And why is that?

01:18:44I can still hear Chip screaming at me.

01:18:48But maybe that was the allure.

01:18:49The more he pulled away, the more I felt the need to prove myself because he was just so charming and special.

01:18:56Billy was talking about Chip Harper, a.k.a. the Manson of the Midwest, and leader of the suicide cult known as the Cosmic Dynasty.

01:19:09How did you first meet Chip Harper?

01:19:12Well, I was very fat at the time, and I was in a fast food restaurant arguing with one of the workers about the amount of food I'd been given.

01:19:19I was insisting that they hadn't given me my order, even though I'd already eaten all the sandwiches in question.

01:19:26Chip saw my desperation and pounced.

01:19:29What do you think Chip thought when he first saw you?

01:19:33If I had to speculate, hey, here's a guy I can get to do all the menial, degrading tasks that I aim to relieve my followers of in the hopes that they'll fall more deeply in love with me.

01:19:47If I had to guess, that's it.

01:19:49Wait. Why's that news vet here?

01:19:54What's going on?

01:19:58Fuck! He's here! That piece of shit is here! And he brought Georgian Jennings here!

01:20:04He's probably in there telling her a bunch of lies about us right now!

01:20:07No, hold on. We're fine.

01:20:11He said tape's in the barn.

01:20:13You don't know about the barn?

01:20:15As long as you didn't take her to the barn, we're golden!

01:20:18He wanted to show me the barn, far away from the house where he was forced to sleep, often without electricity, left to deal with the elements and the wildlife.

01:20:29Fuck! They're going to the barn! I'm fucked! I'm going to fucking jail forever!

01:20:37No. No. I'm gonna get there.

01:20:42William, consider your ass plucked.

01:20:46Did you ever think about leaving?

01:20:51I was too stupid to go anywhere else.

01:20:54Hmm.

01:20:55And to tell you the truth, I've blocked a lot of memories of this place out on account of all the trauma, but I will do my best to answer any questions you may have.

01:21:08Did you ever have sex with Chip?

01:21:11Stop! No!

01:21:13Dude, I'll listen to a word this man says, Georgian Jennings. He is a liar and a huge piece of dog shit.

01:21:19Georgian, you should run and hide and disregard everything this lunatic is saying.

01:21:22Keep rolling. Keep rolling.

01:21:24Keep rolling's right. Keep rolling's right. You're one of them gonna wanna roll on this.

01:21:28Cause I got it all right here, Georgian.

01:21:31I have in this tape, I will expose this man for the snake he really is and clear my good name.

01:21:37It's probably a tape of him showing you his penis. And once you see that, you can't unsee it and that's-

01:21:42It's not my cock!

01:21:44Your time has come, William.

01:21:46Georgian, it's gonna work, I promise.

01:21:48He's stalling, Georgian. We should leave now while we still have the chance.

01:21:51Shut the fuck up, William!

01:21:53Mr. Harper, if you don't have anything you can show us, I'll have no choice but to call the authorities.

01:22:11Georgian, it is gonna work. I know it is.

01:22:13I know it is.

01:22:21Whoa! Yes! Yes! Look at this!

01:22:25This doesn't prove anything. That looks like CGI to me.

01:22:28Video game or something like that?

01:22:30My name is William Davenport.

01:22:32And I am the father, shepherd, and spiritual leader of the Cosmic Dynasty.

01:22:38If you are watching this tape, Georgian, we have transcended successfully.

01:22:45And it is your job to spread our message to the unfortunate...

01:22:51Jesus Christ.

01:22:52Well, that's obviously a joke. The whole thing is a prank! Why isn't everybody laughing? It's time for laughing now!

01:23:00Whoa!

01:23:02What the fuck, dude? Chill out!

01:23:04Calm down.

01:23:05You calm down! Unhand Georgian Jennings right now!

01:23:07Oh, big man. Big man. He's trying to impress you, Georgian.

01:23:11But she's not impressed, because you're a fool.

01:23:13Georgian, did you know that Chip here thought I died and magically came back to life just for him?

01:23:22I didn't drink that poison, you stupid fuck.

01:23:29You know what, dude? That little comment would have really hurt the old me.

01:23:32Because I thought you rocked. But it turns out you fucking suck.

01:23:35Yeah, I feel sorry for you, honestly. Your vibes are fucked, you got a bad attitude, and you're a terrible hang. Always were.

01:23:43Bullshit. People love me.

01:23:46Not me! I think you're a loser!

01:23:48Yeah, you think you're all that, but you're actually a total scrub.

01:23:52And I still like you, but not as much.

01:23:54Who cares? Give me that fucking tape!

01:23:57Okay, man. Just don't do anything crazy.

01:23:59Get on your knees! Get on your knees!

01:24:00Do what he says!

01:24:01Everybody on your knees!

01:24:02Let Georgian go.

01:24:05Okay.

01:24:06Okay, okay.

01:24:08I should have let you drink that fucking poison.

01:24:12Fucking idiot.

01:24:17Oh!

01:24:18You got raccoon trapped, bitch! You're gonna fucking die!

01:24:40I love when my enemies perish!

01:24:42He's probably dead, you guys.

01:24:45Chip Harper landed on his feet after that fateful day.

01:24:49Once spending half a decade under the spell of William Davenport,

01:24:54Harper is now an in-demand motivational speaker.

01:24:58Today we kill our Williams, and today you're all gonna become the best versions of yourselves possible!

01:25:05Possible!

01:25:12Though his wife is currently serving 25 years to life in prison for the murder of four police officers,

01:25:19these two lovebirds are expecting a beautiful baby girl.

01:25:22You know, it wasn't easy, Georgianne.

01:25:25You know, at first we thought I'd have to cover my frozen seed in chocolate and sneak it into the facility with a candy bar wrapper.

01:25:33Eventually we were granted conjugal visits, but trying to make love to your wife in a cold, concrete cell.

01:25:38All the other inmates hooting and hollering.

01:25:41They can smell my pheromones.

01:25:43I suppose it comes with territory of being an alpha male, but it's not easy on the erection, Georgianne, I'll be honest with you.

01:25:49Luckily I was able to bust soft, and our little miracle is on the way any day now.

01:25:56Oh, precious.

01:25:57And even though your immediate family was recently killed in a gravel spill,

01:26:03it seems like you've managed to persevere and create kind of a new family of sorts.

01:26:08You know, what can I say, Georgianne? I'm blessed.

01:26:11Right, as difficult as this ordeal was, I'm at the best palace of my entire life through this thing.

01:26:16That's great.

01:26:18Yeah.

01:26:20What's she going for?

01:26:25Mommy!

01:26:27John!

01:26:30Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

01:26:34Tyler!

01:26:36I think it's safe to say that everybody that lived through this situation,

01:26:40we're all the absolute best versions of ourselves possible now.

01:26:44As for William Davenport, after 36 hours of surgery,

01:26:49they managed to remove the sword from his head and save his life.

01:26:53But now, he's a shit for brains.

01:26:55The type that laughs when a train goes by.

01:26:58Put aside your sad unhappy endings.

01:27:02Turn away from the world that's gone and turned its back on you.

01:27:08Who knows what tomorrow is beginning?

01:27:09All I really know is that I want to be with you for all we'll ever have.

01:27:13All I really know is that I want to be with you for all we'll ever have.

01:27:18All I really know is that I want to be with you for all we'll ever have.

01:27:22All I really know is that I want to be with you for all we'll ever have.

01:27:29All I really know is that I want to be with you for all we'll ever have.

01:27:32All I really know is that I want to be with you for all we'll ever have.

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