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Short Tales
  • 2 days ago
#ShowFilm98
Transcript
00:00Ave Maria, Jungfrau Wild,
00:17er höre eine Jungfrau Fleur, aus diesem Felsenstorten.
00:32She is risen.
00:33Olivia!
00:35Shared bathroom!
00:36It's all over social media.
00:54Did you not think to check the advert before it went up?
00:57No.
00:58What before?
00:59How am I supposed to do an accurate stock check of the mushrooms when there's new ones growing
01:03on the old ones?
01:04I'm a bit busy to focus on fungus, Linda.
01:07I've got a car park full of activists planning an all-night protest.
01:13On the bright side, Simon, that was definitely one of our tomatoes.
01:16I can tell.
01:17It had a real pellix quality to it.
01:19Stop it.
01:20I thought I was saving the company money, you know?
01:22One billboard, two products.
01:25Ladies' razors and condoms side by side.
01:28Legs so smooth, you're gonna need protection.
01:31Just, it's clever, it's clever.
01:33At its heart, it's clever.
01:35It says, lady boys, get out.
01:38Oh!
01:39Oh, no.
01:41This is a bloody nightmare.
01:43I fully support transgender people, alright?
01:49I just, I just, I want that out there.
01:52Er, my mum, she, she dressed me like a little girl till I was five or six, so, I get it?
02:00You know?
02:01I get it?
02:02Don't.
02:03Okay, this can be recovered.
02:04Erm, what's the quickest way to show we're a fully inclusive workplace?
02:08Beefy Linda.
02:09Don't know.
02:10Nothing.
02:11You ain't got nothing?
02:12Er, I work here.
02:13Oh, my God.
02:14Erm, ah, right, erm, does anyone know any transgenders?
02:18I'll look it up.
02:19Erm, transgender woman in my area.
02:22Ooh.
02:23I was not expecting that.
02:25Let me see.
02:26Erm.
02:27No, no.
02:28Ah.
02:29Mmm.
02:30Of course.
02:31Yeah, but I'm just saying, most women sit down, till we.
02:52Most women have no comeback to an unsolicited dick pic.
02:56At least I can aggressively reciprocate.
02:58Look, can you please tidy up after yourself?
03:00I haven't got time to re-stack shelves.
03:02We've got to get to work to re-stack shelves.
03:05And there's no way you're destroying the blood chimera on your own.
03:08So call in sick and help me.
03:10Well, I'm not sick.
03:11Well, I've seen your anime collection, agree to disagree.
03:14All I'm saying, Thomas, is it feels like you don't want to hang out with me anymore.
03:18Liv, I work nights.
03:20It's not my fault you choose to start your day at 9pm.
03:23Unless, of course, you've confused being transgender with Transylvanian.
03:27Anyway, what's the point of you dolling yourself up every day just to sit on your arse?
03:31Get out, meet people.
03:32Thomas, why would I want to leave this flat when all of my favourite people are right here?
03:36Well, look, seeing as you are up, it's now officially three months.
03:41I thought it would be a good time to pick up that conversation about you contributing to rent.
03:46Timothy, I would love to contribute. I really would. I'm not going to do that, though, and I'm going to tell you why.
03:52That's because I have very recently decided that I am in fact saving up for the old gender realignment surgery.
03:58I thought you didn't want a vagina. You said you were scared of a bee flying up in it.
04:02Oh, who are you, my gynaecologist? It sounds like you're accusing a transgender woman of lying about her desire to acquire a clunge just to get out of paying the rent.
04:10It's definitely not what's happening.
04:11Well, how are you going to pay for the surgery without a job?
04:13Oh, I'll just get a job. Shall I?
04:15I'll just go get myself a job. That's the most normal thing in the world.
04:18Thomas, if someone wants to call up and give me a job, then I will take that job, but that is never going to happen.
04:22Yeah. Right, I'm off. How do I look?
04:28Like the Milky Bar kid, after a long, drawn-out battle with...
04:36Heroine.
04:52Oh, my God. I can't believe you missed me so much.
04:56Liv, grab one of my uniforms and get changed. There's no time to explain.
05:05Yes, there is.
05:06Oh, for God's sake, fine. You are now a proud member of the Pellocks Supermarket Night Shift.
05:11And I, pause for dramatic effect, am your new supervisor.
05:17Yeah.
05:22Let's research the book store!
05:26It sounds like cha-ching.
05:32When I walk in, boom bang, let my money do all of the talking.
05:37It's cheap, so think before you speak, cause you can't even afford it.
05:40I'll let you ever see it though, like you will want.
05:42Fool asleep in the sky, walk up in New York.
05:44Roll the street couldn't open and put me-esque.
05:46Welcome to the night shift.
05:58While the customer snores, we sweep up the floors.
06:03Okay.
06:04A little motto, isn't it?
06:05Yeah, something.
06:06A credo, a ditty.
06:07I don't know what you want to call it.
06:08You wrote it.
06:09It's fun, isn't it?
06:10It's just a fun.
06:11I have fun.
06:12We have fun.
06:15Welcome to the ship.
06:16Now, listen, going forward, do you prefer Olivia or Liv?
06:22I think I would prefer to be at home,
06:25pleasuring myself to a VHS of the 1998 musical Cats.
06:30Now, Thomas tells me that you are saving up for gender reassignment surgery.
06:38Tell us something about that.
06:39Am I?
06:41I am.
06:42Yeah.
06:43No, you're right, I am.
06:44Can't wait.
06:45It's going to be great.
06:47Okay.
06:48Now, tell me.
06:49I mean, you don't have to, but is that the carrot or the tatties?
06:54Oh, great, there's a book.
07:04Et voila, madame.
07:05The Pellick's Employee Handbook.
07:0865 sizzling pages of safety guidelines and interpersonal etiquette.
07:14Strap in.
07:14Ah, it's a real page turn-up.
07:17I haven't got so lost in a book since Harry Potter.
07:20Have you read those?
07:22Pay no mind to the noise outside.
07:25There's been a bit of a misunderstanding, but rest assured, we here at Pellick's are a fully
07:30inclusive workforce.
07:31Hitler, we want trans rights.
07:35Forget that.
07:35We want trans rights now.
07:37Come out here, you Pellick.
07:38Fasten!
07:41We want you to be as loud and as proud as you like.
07:44And to that end, perhaps you'd like to put something up on your socials about how proud you are to
07:51be part of the Pellick's Rainbow.
07:53Hashtag, we are Pellick's.
07:55Hashtag, competent management.
07:57Something like that.
07:58And of course, if there's anything we can do to make your time here at Pellick's even more
08:03inclusive, my door is always open to you.
08:06And that is because I've lost my key.
08:10And I don't want to shut it, so I might not go back in.
08:13I'm glad you mentioned inclusivity there, Simon, because, um, well, I don't know about
08:18you, Millie, but I, like you...
08:20I like you too.
08:21Okay.
08:21I, like you, am a woman.
08:24And as a woman, I noticed a lot of phallic produce on the way into the store this evening.
08:31Your bananas, your bratwursts, your aubergines.
08:33I mean, Simon, come on, what are we doing here?
08:39I've become completely lost.
08:40Well, you know, as a trans-gentrified individual, I was born with a penis that I didn't ask
08:46for.
08:47Do you really think a woman like me wants to be reminded of that all bloody night long?
08:51No, I don't.
08:52Hmm.
08:52Okay.
08:53So, what I think you're saying is I should remove everything from the store that looks
09:01like a penis.
09:02Man's a genius.
09:03Yes.
09:04Yes.
09:05Yes, I am, Miss Pussy.
09:10Liv, as your supervisor, I forbid you to quit on the first night.
09:13I simply forbid it.
09:14Oh, stand back, everyone.
09:15He's got a little plastic name badge.
09:17Tom, why didn't you tell me I was a prop?
09:19The only reason they're offering me this job is because they're obviously going through
09:22some sort of PR shitstorm.
09:24Simon wants to wheel me out like a prized transgender ham.
09:27Look, just give it a chance, okay?
09:2965 weeks from now, when you've saved up for your GRS, you can shove your shiny new vagina
09:33in my face.
09:35That came out wrong.
09:38What you said to Simon about the male-dominated workspace was so inspiring.
09:42I look up to you so much.
09:44Okay.
09:45Probably going to leave that one alone.
09:48Liv, this is Millie.
09:49You two have already met, obviously.
09:51Um, Linda.
09:53Olivia.
09:54So you're a woman?
09:55You should see me park her car.
09:57Linda, Olivia is just as hard-working, responsible and deserving to be here as anyone else.
10:02No, no.
10:03I've already had my hours cut this month and now I've got to make room for you.
10:07I'm sick of you lot shoving your PC-ness down our throats.
10:11Well, it's pronounced penis, but she's got a point, Thomas.
10:14I mean, how much more bloody diverse does this place want to be?
10:19We look like the set-up to a joke that would get you uninvited to Christmas dinner.
10:24Sorry, ladies.
10:25I just need to quickly go and...
10:27Liv, please.
10:28I'm asking you as a friend.
10:31Simon's my boss and this is an opportunity to impress him.
10:34Plus, you said if you got offered a job, you'd take it.
10:37Please don't quit.
10:39Fine.
10:42I can't help if I get fired.
10:44Wait, what?
10:45Why would you get fired?
10:47Spoken like a man with zero imagination.
10:49Liv, you won't get fired if you follow the rules.
10:54Olivia, look me in the eye and promise me you're going to follow the rules.
11:02Let the games begin.
11:03...
11:04...
11:05...
11:06...
11:09...
11:10...
11:11...
11:12...
11:13Rule 1. Employees are encouraged to be proactive when it comes to replenishing stock.
11:43Rule 21. Staff doors must remain closed at all times.
12:07If you see something obstructing an aisle, remove it immediately. Oh, would you look at that?
12:12A for effort, Liv. But you're in my world now. And I've got eyes in the back of my head.
12:21Oh, you're sucking all the fun out of this game.
12:24What game? At what point did I get... Hold that thought.
12:34You weren't thinking about throwing these all away, were you?
12:37Oh, God, no. No, no, no. What would you suggest we do with them?
12:42Well, I mean, it's not enough to simply throw all the phalluses away, Simon.
12:46You must publicly destroy them in front of the naysayers.
12:49Prove to the world how Pellix feels about transgender women.
12:52To think I was going to donate all this to a homeless shelter like an idiot.
12:56While I've got you, there are some bath bombs in the toiletry section that look an awful lot like testicles.
13:01I'm so sorry. Beefy, change the plan. Come on.
13:05Will you make up your bloody mind?
13:08You were saying?
13:10At what point did I give you the impression that your employment here is a life-size game of mousetrap?
13:15When you told me I couldn't get fired if I followed the rules.
13:18Excellent premise. Challenge accepted. Why are you so annoyed by the situation?
13:21Because I didn't even want you here. This is where I come to escape your insanity.
13:25But Pellix needed a transgender woman and lo and behold, there's one mooching on my sofa.
13:29This is a job, Olivia.
13:38Oh, for fuck's sake.
13:54Guys!
13:55Gutt!
13:56People!
13:57Please, if you just watch the demonstration, I wish to make Pellix's position on transgender women very clear.
14:07We are clear.
14:08We are clear.
14:09We are clear!
14:10We are clear!
14:11We are clear!
14:12We are clear!
14:14We are clear!
14:15What do you mean to the police?
14:17I will be clear!
14:18We are clear!
14:19They're clear!
14:20We are clear!
14:21Please, stop!
14:22Stop!
14:23Please, please, stop shouting!
14:24Please, please, stop shouting!
14:25People, friends, I don't know!
14:31I'm trying to be intrusive.
14:32Just stop shouting.
14:34I don't know! I'm trying to be intrusive, just... Okay.
14:40I will it!
14:45What are you trying to say? We won't try!
14:47I don't know what you want, I don't know...
14:57UGH! Come on!
15:04Fuck!
15:07What?! Oh my god! BC deployed!
15:16Oh no!
15:26Shit!
15:35So you... you settling in?
15:37All right?
15:41Good.
15:43You know that little stunt you pulled with a fire alarm? It's a sackable offence.
15:47I know, right?
15:48It's like, knock knock, who's there? Being responsible.
15:51Not today, thanks very much!
15:53Enough, enough, all right? Um...
15:55I'm really sorry to have to say this, but...
16:00I'm afraid you're fired, Thomas.
16:04Thomas? What?!
16:05Yeah, what?
16:06Well, you are Liv's supervisor.
16:09Simon, I...
16:14Fine.
16:16Sit down, Thomas!
16:17Simon, let me tell you what I think's going on here.
16:20You've got yourself a vag-load of bloodthirsty trans rights activists on your doorstep.
16:25And no matter what I do, the last thing you can do right now is fire a transgender employee.
16:32But here's the thing, the only thing worse than firing me would be if I quit amidst, I don't know, accusations of a discriminatory work environment.
16:42You wouldn't do that to me.
16:43You wouldn't do that to me.
16:48Tom stays, or I quit.
16:51Loudly...
16:53And proudly.
16:58Ooh.
16:59Liv, you in there?
17:13Yes, Thomas.
17:15Despite the objections of the right-wing press, I am in fact in the ladies' bathroom.
17:19Haha.
17:21Wow.
17:23Look, I'm...
17:25You didn't need to do that for me.
17:26I mean, obviously that is just a saying.
17:29You definitely did.
17:31Morally, ethically, entirely your fault, but...
17:34Still, thanks.
17:36Uh...
17:38And I understand if you want to leave, I do, but I just...
17:41It's important for you to know that I'd like...
17:43I'd like for you to stay.
17:45Thomas.
17:47Why would I leave?
17:49This is the most fun I've had in months.
17:51Apparently, I can do anything I like.
17:53I'm never going to get fired.
17:54The buffet is amazing.
17:55Again, not a buffet, those are products, uh...
17:58I think he'd probably misunderstand what I mean by stop-take.
18:00Plus, you know...
18:03All my favourite people are here.
18:10Here.
18:12The protesters are breaching the building.
18:15I repeat, the protesters are breaching the building!
18:17I don't think!
18:20Do you want to...?
18:21Sort it out?
18:22Yeah.
18:23Yeah, all right, fine.
18:24Yeah.
18:25Cool.
18:26S-sorted.
18:28I'll stay here.
18:30Linger in the women's...
18:31I probably shouldn't linger in the women's toilet.
18:32I'll...
18:34Hold hard!
18:36To me, my X-Men!
18:42Not to them!
18:44Don't be faked!
18:46Simon!
18:48Please, be reasonable!
18:49I fully support!
18:50I fully support the transgender community!
18:52Sometimes, I even pop a bit of chamomile into my own bar!
18:56It's true, I've seen him do it!
18:57What?
18:58What it was?
18:59No!
19:09When I told my dad I was becoming a woman,
19:12he looked me up and down and he said...
19:14that I could never pull it off.
19:19I said I'd probably get a doctor to do that bit, Father.
19:22I imagine it's quite a complicated procedure.
19:26Everybody's got opinions.
19:29But opinions are like arseholes.
19:34Worth exploring.
19:40Pelix may have shat the bed,
19:42but it's time we cleaned up our mess.
19:46I made a change.
19:48And if you'll give us a chance,
19:50Pelix can change too.
19:53For the better.
19:59Our new transgender employee, Olivia, everyone.
20:17I'd say give her a big hand, but I think she's already got two.
20:19Am I right?
20:20Just clap, clap.
20:21Clap, clap.
20:23Clap, please.
20:24And starting tonight, we're launching our very own in-store fundraiser
20:42to help pay for Olivia's gender reassignment surgery.
20:46Come again?
20:46So join us in saying goodbye to her unwanted penis
20:50and hello to a brighter future together.
20:54What the fuck is that?
21:00Oh shit.
21:24Oh shit.
21:25Oh shit.
21:26Oh shit.
21:27Oh shit.
21:28Oh shit.
21:29Oh shit.
21:30Oh shit.
21:31Oh shit.
21:32Oh shit.
21:33Oh shit.