Da Kath & Kim code

Harlow Black

6 days ago

Transcript

00:00:00There's always a joker in the pack, there's always a lonely clown

00:00:07There is a jester, just a fool, as foolish as he can be

00:00:14There's always a joker, that's the rule, but fate deals a hand and I see

00:00:22The joker is me, the joker is me

00:00:31The joker is me

00:00:52The joker is me, the joker is me, the joker is me

00:01:11I didn't think I'd go this far, it's like I've been possessed or something

00:01:27What about Kim?

00:01:32Don't worry about Kim

00:01:41Oh there's Peter

00:01:56Hi Pete

00:01:56I told him we were coming back

00:01:58I got the papers put on

00:01:59Yeah, yeah

00:02:00So we were coming back today

00:02:02And did I show you this Kim?

00:02:04I got in Milan, can you believe it?

00:02:06They've got an AusNits outlet in Milan

00:02:07And these are all the rave in Europe

00:02:09And I got, oh for Ebony, fat little whips

00:02:12Look what I got for you darling

00:02:13Isn't this cute?

00:02:15My grandma went on the Da Vinci Code tour

00:02:17And all I got was this lousy t-shirt

00:02:18I really like that, I could fit into that

00:02:21I can't wear that

00:02:22Anyway Kim, the tour was great this time

00:02:24You know, it first started in the Louvre in Paris

00:02:27Just like in the Da Vinci Code

00:02:28And the group, they were awesome weren't they?

00:02:31And just like in the book

00:02:32They pretended to lock us in the museum overnight

00:02:34It was a hoot

00:02:35Yeah, but I was ahead of them wasn't I

00:02:37Because what I did Kim

00:02:38Is that I went up to the second floor

00:02:39Jumped out the toot window

00:02:41Came around, let Kel out

00:02:43And that's how we gave the Opus Dei Albino the slip

00:02:45The albino's the chap

00:02:46Who runs the whole Da Vinci Code tour

00:02:48He's a fellow by the name of John Monk

00:02:50Yeah, he was nice

00:02:51But he was funny wasn't he?

00:02:53Not funny ha ha, funny weird

00:02:54Oh he's raking it in though

00:02:56Yeah

00:02:56How long has Osso Booko's been sitting here?

00:03:00I just bought them yesterday

00:03:01Well you can't be leaving me out in this weather

00:03:04Can't be leaving me out in this weather

00:03:06Yeah, it was sort of like the Amazing Race Kim

00:03:09You know that TV show?

00:03:10Oh, sounds boring

00:03:11Oh no, it wasn't boring

00:03:12They even had an orgy in a crypt one night after tea didn't they Kat?

00:03:16Oh, it was so real Kim

00:03:17It was amazing how it was done

00:03:18I've got a photo of it here

00:03:19Ew, if it was so awesome how come you're home early?

00:03:23Oh, as it happens

00:03:24At our last stop we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus's

00:03:28Yeah, he runs a B&B with his wife Kerry

00:03:30Kim, he was such a phony

00:03:33You could clearly see he had a stick on beard

00:03:35Yeah, so we just left

00:03:37You know, we'd seen enough

00:03:38John Monk was not happy

00:03:39We nearly came to blows

00:03:41He sent me this weird text, Kat

00:03:43I think he reckons we still owe him 44 euros

00:03:46Oh, what can he do now, Kel?

00:03:48I mean, he's in France

00:03:49He's in the Dordogna Nong

00:03:50And that's your tidy bag for your Mandarin pills, etc

00:03:54Oh, mind your hump, Mr Monk

00:03:58Remember, we drive on the left-hand side of the road

00:04:10In Australia

00:04:12No, go to sleep, please

00:04:16No, it's fine, Kel

00:04:19It's fine, it's not off

00:04:21Yogurt smells like that

00:04:22So tell me, Kim, what's all the goss?

00:04:24What's been happening around here?

00:04:26Brett's had a big promotion

00:04:27Oh, really?

00:04:28What?

00:04:28He's been moved sideways

00:04:30Yeah, so the pressure's really on me now

00:04:32You wouldn't know what it's like to be married to a very successful guy

00:04:35Oh, wouldn't I?

00:04:36What do you call this guy here eating his yoghurt and muesli?

00:04:39So tell me, what's the promotion?

00:04:40Well, Brett is now the official Computer City floater

00:04:45Oh, a floater?

00:04:46Well, what does that specifically entail, Kim?

00:04:48Well, Brett sort of explained it like he's kind of like an octopus

00:04:52You know, spreading his testicles over all departments

00:04:55Oh, that sounds like a big job

00:04:57Yeah, I'm the perks, Mum

00:04:58Yeah?

00:04:58You know, he gets a company car and a new flip phone

00:05:01Oh, you'll be able to move out then soon, Kim

00:05:03Oh, we've got to save first

00:05:05Anyway, anyway, I've got this Christmas party tomorrow night

00:05:07And I really want to get something that I can wipe the floor with

00:05:10Oh, well, look, I can help you with that

00:05:11Look, we can hit Fountain Gate tomorrow

00:05:13First thing

00:05:14Oh, let me see everything now

00:05:14Because, you know, I've got so much to do

00:05:16Only two weeks till Christmas

00:05:17I've got a saucer Christmas tree

00:05:19Settle on a tinsel theme

00:05:20Too sweet

00:05:21Oh, back to life

00:05:22Back to reality

00:05:23But, you know, I love Christmas, Kim

00:05:25It's so exciting

00:05:26Can you grab those bags for me?

00:05:27Bring them up

00:05:27Thank you, Kim

00:05:28Kim

00:05:29See you, Kat

00:05:37Oh, bye, Brent

00:05:39Ooh, you look great

00:05:40I like that khaki suit

00:05:41Yeah, it's

00:05:42You go, boss

00:05:42Oh, muddy balls

00:05:44Muddy balls

00:05:45Bye, babe

00:05:46Twisty fingers

00:05:46See you, Kel

00:05:48Bye, Brent

00:05:49Bloody Pete

00:05:50Paper missing again

00:05:51Oh, there it is, Kel

00:05:53I can see it's in the gutterings

00:05:54I'll have to get it later

00:05:56Oh, hi, Kel

00:05:58Hey, Sharon

00:05:59Oh, no

00:06:01Are you not going out?

00:06:03Oh, no

00:06:05What's happened to your wrist, Sharon?

00:06:07Is that your carpal tunnel flaring up again?

00:06:08Oh, no, Mrs. D

00:06:09It's my CSI from too much computer

00:06:11Actually, that's why I'm here

00:06:12I was wondering if I could use yours

00:06:13I've got a virus

00:06:14Oh, yeah, go for it

00:06:15The back door's open

00:06:16And, by the way, the trip was marvellous

00:06:18Thanks for asking

00:06:18Oh, sorry, Mrs. D

00:06:19How was it?

00:06:20I'm only joshing you, Sharon

00:06:21I'll bend your ear roll later

00:06:23What do you need the computer for?

00:06:25Oh, I'm internet dating

00:06:26I've made a vow

00:06:27I'm not going to spend Christmas

00:06:29on my own again

00:06:29Oh, so we're going to have to buy the turkey this year

00:06:31Kim

00:06:32Anyway, I've got to go

00:06:34I've got guys to Google

00:06:36Oh, will you go, Google girl?

00:06:38Thanks, Mrs. D

00:06:39Gee, internet dating

00:06:40Oh, hope Sharon's careful

00:06:42There's a lot of loonies out there

00:06:43Well, Sharon will be right then

00:06:45Now, sweets

00:06:47Don't go too mad at the shops

00:06:48Oh, are you kidding, Kel?

00:06:49I've got so much to buy

00:06:51For my wrapping paper

00:06:52Gift tags

00:06:53Sticky tape

00:06:54I do not want to know

00:06:55Mum, why do you have to get the tree first?

00:07:22Because, Kim, if I'd left it any later

00:07:24I would have only got a bendy one

00:07:25Oh, look, let's go in there

00:07:27I want to get my table decor

00:07:28Oh, hello

00:07:36Do you sell Chrissy-themed serviettes?

00:07:38No

00:07:39We sell napkins

00:07:40But you'll need to go to Manchester

00:07:42Manchester?

00:07:43Really?

00:07:44Down the back

00:07:45Napery

00:07:46Same to you

00:07:48Hi, Trude

00:07:49I got here as soon as I could

00:07:52Napery

00:07:52How's the court case scoring?

00:07:55Not great

00:07:56Adrian's resigning on every company

00:07:58He's ever had preferential shares in

00:08:00Bloody assic

00:08:01I know

00:08:02They're just bullies

00:08:03They've been sniffing around the roof

00:08:05Graham's had to go and put in a bloody wrap

00:08:07So I can call it a special facility

00:08:09I mean, is who in my hall for such?

00:08:12No, Trude

00:08:13Well, you know, you can't just grow something over that

00:08:16You know, like a Bougainvillea or something

00:08:18Oh, yes

00:08:18Or a truquer van

00:08:20I'll get Paul onto that

00:08:21Yes

00:08:22Oh, poor Adrian

00:08:24Oh, no, Trude

00:08:25Not poor Adrian

00:08:26I have no sympathy for him

00:08:28You know, he gets on a few balls

00:08:29And he goes mad with pa

00:08:30Oh, Graham's the same

00:08:32Pa, pa, pa

00:08:33They love us

00:08:34I know

00:08:34They're all assholes

00:08:35And did I tell you

00:08:36All those lovely white leaves

00:08:38He gave me for my birthday

00:08:39I've had to go back to the National Gallery

00:08:40Oh

00:08:41I know

00:08:43So how are you living?

00:08:45Hand to mark?

00:08:46Absolutely

00:08:46Adrian is still trading though

00:08:48Through his secret Swiss accounts

00:08:50But, you know

00:08:51I'm just glad I'm working

00:08:52That's for sure

00:08:53Yes, your two hours a week here

00:08:55Must really help the coffin

00:08:57They do

00:08:57No, Prue

00:08:58I hate to talk work

00:09:00But this morning

00:09:00We've got that awful guy from Blancor

00:09:03Oh, no

00:09:04He's so mealy-mars

00:09:05He always talks bosh

00:09:06I know

00:09:07He makes me want to gag a door

00:09:08Oh, Trude

00:09:09Me, Trude

00:09:10Oh, no

00:09:12I say for her first back

00:09:14What is she doing, darling?

00:09:16Hang on with her tree

00:09:18Don't you think she could get it delivered?

00:09:19I don't think they deliver where she lives

00:09:22Oh, Trude

00:09:22You're dreadful

00:09:23You're dreadful

00:09:24Bloody joker

00:09:34Could've killed me

00:09:36I'm taking your number

00:09:37Euros 44

00:09:40Oh, God

00:09:48Oh, look, Mum

00:09:50Another present I've got for Eppity

00:09:52It's the bath book version of the Da Vinci case

00:09:54Oh

00:09:55Look

00:09:55It squeezes when you press the albino

00:09:57Right, well, who do I still need to buy for, Kim?

00:10:01I've got my health professionals

00:10:02My physio

00:10:03My osteo

00:10:03My chiro

00:10:04My gyno

00:10:04They're all getting bottles of cockfighter

00:10:06So that's done

00:10:07Now my service providers

00:10:09I've got my posty

00:10:10My garbo

00:10:11My recycles man

00:10:12Coles Online guy

00:10:13Still need to get something for them

00:10:14Still got to get something good for Brett

00:10:16You know, it's really into labels now

00:10:18Oh, really?

00:10:19What?

00:10:19Stick on or iron on?

00:10:20Because we can go down to Officeworks for that

00:10:22I don't know, Mum, his clothes

00:10:23Designer labels

00:10:24Oh

00:10:25You know, Dulcy and Cabana

00:10:26Tony Helfinger

00:10:27Louise Vuitton

00:10:28Oh, gee

00:10:29Who's he dressing to impress?

00:10:30Actually, I've got Brett's present

00:10:32It's great

00:10:32It's the John Grisham Newey

00:10:33The firm client

00:10:34Actually, that sounds a bit more like Kel

00:10:36Doesn't it?

00:10:37Oh, what Brett doesn't read at the moment

00:10:38Now he's a workaholic

00:10:39Yeah, I've noticed

00:10:40He's very driven at the moment

00:10:42Isn't he, Kim?

00:10:43I have to say

00:10:43I think it suits him

00:10:44He did look very spunky

00:10:45Going off in his Ugo boss this morning

00:10:47Yeah

00:10:48He's got his sights set on the top

00:10:49You know, eventually

00:10:50Wants to be owner-manager

00:10:52Oh, well, that's where the kudos is, Kim

00:10:53You know

00:10:54Being a franchisee

00:10:57Gee, one day I'd like to be a franchisee, Kim

00:11:00Yeah, we look more like a chimpanzee today

00:11:04What?

00:11:06Don't be stupid

00:11:07Anyway

00:11:07I've got to go and get your present

00:11:09Where?

00:11:10Where are you going?

00:11:11I'll be in the $2 shop

00:11:12Oh

00:11:13Alright

00:11:13Well, I'm going down to Snappy Legs

00:11:15So I'll see you down there

00:11:16I've got to get a new sports bra

00:11:17For my strictly dancing class tonight

00:11:19Bye

00:11:21Bye

00:11:22Oh, how's it going, Sharon?

00:11:34Have you met anybody yet?

00:11:35Oh, no, not really, Mrs. D

00:11:37Just a couple of lukewarm nibbles

00:11:39Oh, look, whatever you do, love

00:11:40Don't put your photo up

00:11:41Oh, I already have

00:11:42Why?

00:11:44Do you think it would put people off?

00:11:46Oh, no, Sharon

00:11:47You've got a very pretty face

00:11:48It wasn't full length, though, was it?

00:11:50No

00:11:50No, well, I'm just thinking for security, love, you know

00:11:52Oh, okay

00:11:53Yeah

00:11:53Ta-da!

00:11:57Oh, my God, Kim

00:11:59What?

00:12:00Nothing

00:12:01That looks nice, love

00:12:02Turn around

00:12:03What are you holding your arms out like that for, Kim?

00:12:06It's my tanner-canned spray

00:12:08It's nice, isn't it?

00:12:09Yeah, it's different

00:12:10Yeah, it's orange

00:12:11Yeah, it goes perfect with the red

00:12:13Yeah

00:12:14Is that for Brett's drinks tonight?

00:12:15Yeah

00:12:16I'm going to be rubbing shoulders with middle management

00:12:18And Brett is finally going to introduce me to the UFO of the company

00:12:22Oh, Kim, you're just rubbing shoulders with my wall of present

00:12:24Come on, get a chucks and wipe that off, please

00:12:26Oh, my God, Kim

00:12:28You've missed a big patch on your back

00:12:30What?

00:12:31Your fake tan

00:12:32Yeah, well, that's the look I'm going for, Sharon

00:12:35Yeah

00:12:36Yeah, correct

00:12:36Correct

00:12:37Where have you been?

00:12:38Shh

00:12:38No, no, get rid of him

00:12:40We can do that now

00:12:42No, no warnings

00:12:43All right, see you tonight

00:12:45Oh, hello, Christmas

00:12:47I can smell your testosterone from here, Brett

00:12:50Oh, Mum, revolting

00:12:51That's my Ralph Lauren

00:12:52Who are you wearing, Kim?

00:12:55Brett, we're supposed to be there at 6.30

00:12:56I sms'd you as soon as I heard

00:12:59Partners are uninvited

00:13:00What?

00:13:01Kim, you have to check your phone

00:13:03I do check my phone, Brett, every five minutes

00:13:05And I did not get a text from anyone today

00:13:08What do you mean, partners have been uninvited?

00:13:10It's part of the new workplace agreement

00:13:12Partners are now outlawed from workplace drinks

00:13:14And or slash nibbles

00:13:15Oh, Brett, I think I got that text

00:13:17Did you miss us then?

00:13:19Yeah

00:13:19Oh, I still haven't figured this phone out

00:13:21Do you mean I can't come?

00:13:23Oh, you're so selfish

00:13:24Oh, Kim, look, it's not Brett's fault

00:13:27If you're going to blame anybody, blame John Howard

00:13:29Who?

00:13:31Kim

00:13:31No, Brett, let me finish

00:13:32You've had your say

00:13:33I've worked my guts out for these drinks tonight

00:13:36I've had my nails refilled

00:13:38I've had my Botox shots

00:13:39But you have not even mentioned

00:13:41Sorry, Kim, they look great

00:13:42Have you got partner shame, Brett?

00:13:44When have I ever embarrassed you?

00:13:46When?

00:13:46Just tell me, one time

00:13:48Um, actually, Kim, you know

00:13:49There was that last drinks, remember?

00:13:51When Brett was trying to impress that big client from Samsung

00:13:53And you came up and your top fell off

00:13:55When you were blind

00:13:55I was not blind

00:13:58And that was a wardrobe malfunction

00:13:59I've got to run

00:14:01I've got to change my top

00:14:02Oh, run then

00:14:03Go to your stupid party

00:14:05Yes, put my calibre top on, I think

00:14:06Hey, girls

00:14:11Any run for Salza?

00:14:14You right for a dance class, Doc?

00:14:15Oh, Kel, you look gorgeous

00:14:17You look just like Todd McKinney

00:14:18And you'd make a very respectable Nicky Webster

00:14:21If you grew your hair a bit

00:14:22Oh

00:14:22You look bigger

00:14:24You've gone up a size

00:14:25Oh, no, Kel

00:14:25They're these

00:14:26Look, I bought them today

00:14:27Aren't they great?

00:14:28They feel so real

00:14:30And look what I got today

00:14:31They're for our hip-hop street-wrap routine

00:14:34Their reflector

00:14:35Kel, what a fabulous idea

00:14:37And look, we can wear them now

00:14:39Because we're going to walk

00:14:39And it is going to get dark soon

00:14:41I don't need to put the bins out

00:14:42Oh, do you?

00:14:42Oh, hang on, Kel

00:14:43I've got another bag here

00:14:44Okay

00:14:44So, you, uh

00:14:47Desperate housewife tonight, Kim?

00:14:51What does that suppose to mean?

00:14:53Oh, Kel, no

00:14:54It's a joke, huh?

00:14:55Yeah, but your timing's way out, love

00:14:57Here, take this

00:14:58Oh, bum, it's split

00:14:59Oh, bum, it's leaking

00:15:00Oh, quick, quick, quick, quick

00:15:01Bye

00:15:01I really am sorry, Kim

00:15:06Are you not talking to me, Kim?

00:15:11Yes, I'm not talking to you

00:15:12And while I'm at it

00:15:13Do you know what you like?

00:15:14Just don't come walking in the door later, legless

00:15:16Five, six, seven, eight

00:15:23And cross

00:15:24And go

00:15:25And one

00:15:26And two

00:15:26Dolphin, get the dolphin

00:15:29Give it to her, give it to her

00:15:33It's fantastic

00:15:34Get down

00:15:36Get really down

00:15:38A little less showmanship, Kath

00:15:49A little more technique

00:15:50Kel, I like your tune

00:15:53Thanks, Heather

00:15:54Gee, Kath, you've got an oily back

00:15:59What, Kel?

00:16:01I can't help that

00:16:02Oh, no, it's a compliment

00:16:03I mean, your back bends

00:16:04Oh

00:16:04Always knew you were flexible

00:16:05But, wow

00:16:06All right, everyone, gather round

00:16:08I've got a little announcement to make

00:16:10Very exciting

00:16:11I can't believe what a complete hoe

00:16:17I look in this dress

00:16:18I got a few bites tonight

00:16:20We'll get you quarter zone cream

00:16:22No, Kim

00:16:23I mean more internet dating

00:16:24I gave everyone my home phone number

00:16:27So, you know, here's hoping

00:16:28Oh, it's a crime against humanity

00:16:30To keep this locked up

00:16:32Maybe I'll just go to the stupid party

00:16:34No, Kim, don't

00:16:37You and Brett have been getting up

00:16:38One another's goats lately

00:16:39I've noticed

00:16:40And I wouldn't push it if an I were you

00:16:43Sharon, why would I take relationship advice from you?

00:16:47I've had more boyfriends

00:16:48Than you've had hot dinners

00:16:50Actually, that couldn't be right

00:16:52Kim

00:16:53Why can't I meet someone like Shane?

00:16:57Who?

00:16:58Shane, Shane Warne

00:17:00I'm reading his newie

00:17:01SMS and cry for help

00:17:03Oh, he's such a spunk

00:17:05Can't see it myself

00:17:07Why do you like Warne so much?

00:17:11Well, he's not choosy at all

00:17:13So I figure I'd be in with a chance

00:17:15I mean, he pretty much goes for anything on two legs

00:17:19And I have them

00:17:20I'm more of a gilly girl myself

00:17:22Yeah, he's like Brett

00:17:24You know, a long, curled drink of water

00:17:26And just like Brett

00:17:28Wouldn't even think of looking at another girl

00:17:30Very funny, Brett

00:17:51Totally inappropriate

00:17:52There's more

00:17:53There's more, mate

00:17:54I mean, Kylie

00:17:55Kylie

00:17:58Hey, Sharon

00:18:11Brett just sent me a naughty text

00:18:14Look

00:18:14Girls, Kimmy, Sharon

00:18:18Guess what?

00:18:19Exciting news

00:18:20What's happened, Mrs. Dooh?

00:18:21You won't believe it

00:18:22Our dance class, Sharon

00:18:24Has been chosen to be the dancers

00:18:25At Carols by Candlelight

00:18:27And guess who we're backing up?

00:18:29Who?

00:18:30Michael Bublé

00:18:31Who?

00:18:32Michael Bublé, Kim

00:18:34You know, the two-time Zogies performer

00:18:36Sometimes your ignorance astounds me, Kim

00:18:38Oh, Michael Bublé

00:18:39He's a swung

00:18:40Oh, absolutely

00:18:41You know, I bought his new CD overseas

00:18:43I tell you, there is no other man on God's green earth

00:18:45Who puts my buttons the way Michael Bublé does

00:18:47Hey, I don't like the sound of that, Kat

00:18:49Oh, no, sorry, love

00:18:50Kel, this time you just do not rate

00:18:53Oh, my God

00:18:54Look at the time

00:18:55I'm going to get home and check my messages

00:18:57See ya

00:18:57Oh, Kimmy

00:18:58Actually, look

00:18:59Come upstairs while I take my face off

00:19:00And I'll tell you all about it

00:19:01Oh, it's going to be so exciting

00:19:02He's going to do spray

00:19:03You know, his hit single

00:19:04And we're going to do the job

00:19:06And the ranger

00:19:06Yeah, but that is broken, man

00:19:11I'll go out, see ya

00:19:16Oh, thanks

00:19:33Excuse me, could I have the boy toy, please?

00:19:36Oh, jeez, it's early

00:19:48We're going to kick on?

00:19:49Yeah, we're going to go

00:19:50Shona, where's good to go?

00:19:52Herry Canary

00:19:52Yeah, no, no, no, Herry Canary's closed

00:19:54It's closed

00:19:55Oh, hey, hey, hey

00:19:57Where are you going?

00:19:58We're kicking on

00:19:58No, I can't tonight, Brett

00:19:59We've got stacks of stuff to do tomorrow

00:20:01No, you are coming

00:20:02Mountain View Hotel

00:20:04Mountain View, Mountain View

00:20:05No, no, I don't think

00:20:06No, it's late

00:20:07We're going to go

00:20:08All right, love you

00:20:09See you

00:20:09Fair enough, see ya

00:20:10See you

00:20:10Bye

00:20:10Good night, Brett

00:20:22Merry Christmas, Kelly

00:20:24Brett

00:20:25Can I show you a cab?

00:20:47No, Brett

00:20:47Huh?

00:20:48Not a good idea

00:20:49Are you okay, Brett?

00:20:51Never better

00:20:52Who's there?

00:21:20Oh, Brett

00:21:22Bloody stinks

00:21:24What's going on?

00:21:26Brett's chucked in the doona

00:21:28Poor Brett

00:21:29Poor Brett, it's all in my hair

00:21:31Sorry

00:21:32Oh, yuck, it's spilling on the carpet

00:21:35Take it easy

00:21:37Brett!

00:21:38Sorry

00:21:39When marimba rhythms start to play

00:21:46Sway with me

00:21:48Make me sway

00:21:49That's a pretty song, Kat

00:21:51Sway with me

00:21:55Sway with me

00:21:57Oh, shh

00:21:57Kill

00:21:57What do you mean?

00:21:59I've got a good voice

00:22:00Yeah, you're all right

00:22:02But you know Michael Burglo

00:22:03Is that another new suit?

00:22:07Oh, here he is

00:22:08You're looking guilty as hell, Brett

00:22:09What?

00:22:10Heard you got up to a bit of no good last night

00:22:12No, who said that, Kath?

00:22:13Who said that?

00:22:14Oh, no

00:22:14I mean you just had one too many

00:22:16Gee, put the phone down, Russell

00:22:18You'd better go

00:22:19Kelly will have your balls for breakfast

00:22:21Yeah, I'd better go

00:22:22Oh, you still reek

00:22:24Do what?

00:22:25Oof

00:22:28There you go

00:22:29Trouble

00:22:29Kimmy, hurry up

00:22:32I want to get to Target really early

00:22:34To get my sticky tape

00:22:34Before we go see Santa

00:22:36Hi, Prue

00:22:43Got your grande skinny

00:22:45Oh, Trude

00:22:46I can't pay you for that

00:22:47Oh, it's fine

00:22:49I'll just write it down

00:22:51Here

00:22:51Seen the papers today?

00:22:54Oh, don't, Trude

00:22:55It's all lies

00:22:56It's the bloody tall poppy syndrome

00:22:57I know

00:22:58So, Prue

00:23:00Saturday night

00:23:01Oh, can't wait

00:23:02Adrian and I are so looking forward to a boozy night of Coats

00:23:05It's going to be a hoot

00:23:06Just be great to get out of Creon Coat

00:23:07Right

00:23:08Just on that

00:23:09Look

00:23:10I just think we'd be more comfortable if you didn't come

00:23:12You know, I'm only thinking of you

00:23:14You know, and Graham can't afford to be seen with Adrian at the morrow

00:23:18Do you hate me?

00:23:21Look, no

00:23:21I don't, actually

00:23:22I totally understand, Trude

00:23:24Because you know, I do the same

00:23:26I think we all have to lay low at the moment

00:23:28You know, and just until the feds stop bugging us

00:23:30Right

00:23:31So, Prue

00:23:32Do you think Adrian will do time?

00:23:35Well, yes

00:23:36Well, no

00:23:37Look, we just don't know

00:23:38But, you know

00:23:38If he has to go to jail, Trude

00:23:40I'm just going to be totally organised

00:23:42You know

00:23:43Like, I'm reading Martha Stewart's New

00:23:44Have you read it?

00:23:45No

00:23:45Oh, it's great

00:23:46It's called 101 Things to Do Inside

00:23:48And it's got it all, you know

00:23:50Like, it's got Petty Point for Petty Creams

00:23:53Which is great

00:23:53And this is great

00:23:54It's Country Craft for Crafty

00:23:55Can I help you?

00:23:57No

00:23:57You know

00:23:59I've already started collecting stuff

00:24:00Like, I've got some throws

00:24:01That are going to look great

00:24:02On those cute little metal bungs

00:24:04Oh, God, you're good

00:24:05You're such a cool cookie

00:24:07Actually, speaking of cookies, Trude

00:24:09Have you seen these Christmas cookie cutters?

00:24:11Aren't they just so fun?

00:24:13Oh, they're so cute

00:24:15What I'm going to do, I think

00:24:16Is going to wrap those up

00:24:17And put them under the Stockbrokers

00:24:19In Crisis Giving tree

00:24:20I think that'd be great

00:24:21No

00:24:21Bye-bye

00:24:23Bye-bye

00:24:23Gotta get out of fun gate, Trude

00:24:25Oh, that dress keeps riding up, Kim

00:24:37Don't

00:24:37I was from Brett

00:24:40Listen to this

00:24:40Sorry about last night, babe

00:24:42So you should be

00:24:43I'll bring you a bruffin

00:24:44And a skinny latte

00:24:45What do you do?

00:24:47Not going to reply

00:24:48Stuff him

00:24:49No, I wouldn't be playing

00:24:50The cold shoulder role

00:24:51Too often with Brett

00:24:52You know, Kim

00:24:53The way he's presenting himself

00:24:54At the moment

00:24:55Is a most irresistible package

00:24:56Oh, give it a bone, Mum

00:24:58Now, Kim

00:24:59Which ones do you reckon?

00:25:01These little mini flashing Santas

00:25:02Or the mini candy canes

00:25:04Which ones?

00:25:05The candy canes

00:25:06Candy canes, you reckon?

00:25:07They're nice

00:25:08They're different

00:25:08Yeah, yeah, yeah

00:25:09They're subtle

00:25:09Yeah, they are subtle

00:25:11I reckon

00:25:11Yeah, okay

00:25:12Come on

00:25:14Straighten those joysticks

00:25:19For me, Sharon

00:25:19Please

00:25:20B.C.

00:25:23What about you?

00:25:24You must be feeling shocking

00:25:25Excuse me?

00:25:26No, buddy

00:25:27There's a customer over there

00:25:30Kelly

00:25:34Kelly

00:25:35Kelly

00:25:36Look at the way that child is running

00:26:02That mother round her little finger

00:26:04She shouldn't be allowed

00:26:06To get away with that

00:26:07Mum, can I have a giant wonka bar?

00:26:10No, you can't

00:26:11Please

00:26:12I haven't had anything all day

00:26:14No, you just had a packet of nudes, Kim

00:26:16Oh, you're so mean

00:26:17I'm starving

00:26:17Please

00:26:18No

00:26:18Please

00:26:19I said

00:26:20Oh

00:26:21I hate you

00:26:22Kimmy

00:26:24Kim, look at me, please

00:26:26Look at me

00:26:27Now, I've got one way to say it, Kim

00:26:29Oh, yes, alright

00:26:32Oh

00:26:39Oh

00:26:44Oh

00:26:46electromagnetic

00:26:49Oh, my God.

00:27:19You and your waters, you don't know.

00:27:21We don't have to jump down the neck, Kim.

00:27:23I'm just saying, you look guilty as sin.

00:27:25I mean, I don't know what Brett's like.

00:27:27Especially after he's had a few.

00:27:28He's just all for getting things in his wandering eye.

00:27:30Mum, Brett is not having an affair.

00:27:33Why would he go to fillet steak when he's got sausage meat at home?

00:27:36Yeah, Sharon, what is it?

00:27:39What?

00:27:41All right.

00:27:42Is everything all right?

00:27:44Brett had fillet steak last night.

00:27:46I knew it. I told you.

00:27:48Sharon saw him patching Kelly.

00:27:50Oh, he's so dead.

00:27:52Mind Epony.

00:27:52Kim, will I see you at Santa's castle?

00:27:58Oh, bum, I've got the sticky tape.

00:28:00Look, I'll be two secs.

00:28:02Sorry.

00:28:03Excuse me.

00:28:05Sorry.

00:28:12Sorry.

00:28:12Which aisle is sticky tape?

00:28:14Aisle three.

00:28:15Aisle three. Thank you.

00:28:16Brett.

00:28:19Brett.

00:28:22Brett.

00:28:24I know what you did last night.

00:28:26Kelly, I can see you patch rash from here, you mole.

00:28:29That's it, Brett.

00:28:30I want a divorce.

00:28:32D-I-V-O-R-S-E.

00:28:34Kim, shh.

00:28:35I didn't do anything.

00:28:36You know, Brett,

00:28:37it's one thing to crack on to someone else,

00:28:40but what's hurt me more deeply than I can say

00:28:42is that you chose someone as foul as Kelly.

00:28:45Kim, shh.

00:28:45You'll get me the sack.

00:28:47The sack?

00:28:48Would it get you the sack if I did this?

00:28:53Kim, you're being crazy.

00:28:54No, Brett.

00:28:55For the first time in my life,

00:28:57I'm acting rashly.

00:28:58Oh, and don't bother coming home tonight, Brett.

00:29:00It's over.

00:29:01Finished.

00:29:02Burrito.

00:29:09Brett?

00:29:10Can I see you in my office, please?

00:29:21Excuse me,

00:29:21how long's Santa going to be?

00:29:23Because it says here he's due back at half past

00:29:25and it's 22 now.

00:29:26I told you before, madam,

00:29:27he's on his allocated break.

00:29:29I saw him going to the toilet,

00:29:30so I'm sure he won't be long.

00:29:33Santa won't be long, Epps.

00:29:34He's just gone to the toot.

00:29:45Santa must be doing number two's, Epps.

00:29:49Oh, here's Mummy.

00:29:50What'd you say to him, Kim?

00:29:50What happened?

00:29:51We're separating.

00:29:52I've kicked him out.

00:29:53Oh, Kim.

00:29:54And here we go again.

00:29:56No, Mum.

00:29:56This time's for real.

00:29:58Brett's a bald-headed liar

00:29:59and as of now,

00:30:00this little fat duck

00:30:01is officially single

00:30:02and back on the meat market.

00:30:05The meat market?

00:30:06Well, who's going to want to buy

00:30:07a marbled old piece of rump like yours, Kim?

00:30:09Plenty of guys.

00:30:12Hi, Santa.

00:30:12I'm Kimberly.

00:30:13What's your name?

00:30:24It's weird.

00:30:36I'm already over, Brett.

00:30:37I've grown so much in the last day.

00:30:39You wouldn't believe it.

00:30:40I feel so calm and in control.

00:30:43Brett's the one who's freaking.

00:30:44He's really cut up.

00:30:46And it's funny

00:30:47because now Sarah is closed.

00:30:55Who's sent it, Kel?

00:30:56I don't know.

00:30:58And why is it slashed?

00:30:59I guess that's poor old

00:31:01cash-strapped Australia post.

00:31:02And grind

00:31:07and around

00:31:08and lower.

00:31:13Back the other one.

00:31:16Keep it in your pants.

00:31:17Oh, no, Kim.

00:31:18It's the lamb butter.

00:31:30So, Kim,

00:31:31how's Brett coping

00:31:32since you turfed him out?

00:31:33Is he enjoying

00:31:34the Buckingham Motel

00:31:35because I've heard

00:31:36it's very good.

00:31:41No, Kel.

00:31:42So, Kim,

00:31:43how is yours

00:31:44and Brett's separation going?

00:31:46You know, Sharon,

00:31:47for someone who never has had

00:31:48and never will have

00:31:49a whiff of a guy,

00:31:50you're very interested

00:31:51in sticking your nose

00:31:52in everyone else's business.

00:31:54Kim,

00:31:54bite your tongue

00:31:55or I'll come over there

00:31:56and bite it for you.

00:31:57You just wait, Kim.

00:31:59I will so have

00:32:00a whiff of a guy

00:32:00before Christmas.

00:32:01Actually, look, people,

00:32:02speaking of Christmas,

00:32:03while I've got you all here,

00:32:04I want you to all sit down.

00:32:05I want to powwow

00:32:06the Christy lunch, okay?

00:32:08Come on, Kim, sit down.

00:32:09Sharon, can you log off

00:32:09now, please?

00:32:11Come on.

00:32:12I'll do this now.

00:32:13It'll be good.

00:32:13Right.

00:32:14I have decided

00:32:15what, with my myriad

00:32:16of commitments this year,

00:32:17I do not want to be

00:32:18lumbered with the lot.

00:32:19So, I'm going to relegate.

00:32:21Now, Sharon,

00:32:22I've got you down here

00:32:23to provide a one

00:32:24two-litre bottle

00:32:25of Sprite

00:32:26and also, Sharon,

00:32:27can you look out

00:32:27for icebergs

00:32:28in the next couple

00:32:28of weeks, please?

00:32:30Icebergs?

00:32:30Yeah, lettuces, Sharon.

00:32:31Just icebergs this year.

00:32:32I'm over Asian greens.

00:32:33They're just too fiddly.

00:32:35Will do, Mrs D.

00:32:36Now, I'm going to provide

00:32:37all the breadsticks

00:32:37and Kel and I

00:32:38are turkey and chook,

00:32:39respectively.

00:32:40That sounds about right.

00:32:41And I'm going

00:32:42all free range this year.

00:32:43Oh, God,

00:32:43with the way my hormones

00:32:44are at the moment,

00:32:45I do not want

00:32:45to be ingesting any more.

00:32:47Actually, Kat,

00:32:48do you need me here

00:32:48for this

00:32:49because I might

00:32:49pop in the shower?

00:32:50Yeah, that's OK, doll.

00:32:51You are a bit woofy.

00:32:53Speaking of which,

00:32:54seafood.

00:32:55Now, Kim,

00:32:55I've got you down

00:32:56to provide prawns.

00:32:57I think four per person

00:32:58should do it.

00:32:59Seafood's sexy.

00:33:00I'm a single mum now.

00:33:01You know,

00:33:01peeled prawns

00:33:02are 30 bucks a kilo.

00:33:04Well, Kimmy,

00:33:04get unpeeled then.

00:33:05No way.

00:33:06I am not spending

00:33:07my Christmas morning

00:33:08getting poo out of prawns.

00:33:10All right,

00:33:10then we'll just get

00:33:11some seafood extended.

00:33:12That'll be right.

00:33:13Now, partner-wise,

00:33:14Kim,

00:33:15will you be bringing

00:33:15somebody?

00:33:16Yes,

00:33:17don't worry about me.

00:33:18I'll be bringing

00:33:18someone with bells on.

00:33:20Right, OK.

00:33:21And Sharon,

00:33:21love, how are you going?

00:33:23Any luck?

00:33:26Oh, Sharon,

00:33:28you're very unlucky

00:33:29in love, aren't you?

00:33:31Right, so single.

00:33:33That's awkward.

00:33:34Might put you on your own.

00:33:36Make a mental note, Kat.

00:33:37Get card table

00:33:38out of a roof.

00:33:39OK, I think that's all,

00:33:40so I think that's done.

00:33:42Great.

00:33:42Oh, no, Sharon, love,

00:33:50I need the computer now.

00:33:52Sorry.

00:33:54I'll just go to the

00:33:55internet cafe then.

00:33:57See you, Mrs. T.

00:33:58Bye, Sharon.

00:33:59And OK, so www dot.

00:34:13Back on the computer.

00:34:15Oh, look at that photo.

00:34:17Gorgeous.

00:34:18Gorgeous?

00:34:19I reckon I'm a damn

00:34:20sight buffier than him

00:34:20with my shirt off.

00:34:22Listen, I'm going to

00:34:23take some clothes down

00:34:24to Brett at the

00:34:24Buckingham Motel.

00:34:25Do you want to come?

00:34:26Oh, that's a good one.

00:34:27Michael, Michael, Michael,

00:34:29could you be any more divine?

00:34:31So I'll see you later then.

00:34:34Kat?

00:34:37Don't talk to me then.

00:34:38Now I'll get into the fan club.

00:34:42I'll get into the fan club.

00:35:12G'day, Brett.

00:35:22G'day, Kel.

00:35:23Come here, mate.

00:35:24Yeah, just on my way past.

00:35:26This is a nice setup, isn't it?

00:35:29Yeah, very nice.

00:35:30Oh, here's the toot there.

00:35:32Nice size shower.

00:35:33Yeah, very nice.

00:35:34How's the pressure?

00:35:36Well done, Kel.

00:35:38I've thrown away the best thing

00:35:39that ever happened to me.

00:35:40What's that?

00:35:42Oh, you mean Kim?

00:35:43Yeah.

00:35:44Oh.

00:35:45Ooh, got a bit of your toast there.

00:35:47And, uh, little abs.

00:35:50I think you'd better lay off

00:35:50the booze for a while, mate.

00:35:51You get those beer goggles on

00:35:52and you're anybodies.

00:35:53Yeah.

00:35:54I don't want to lose

00:35:55my family, Kel.

00:35:56Oh.

00:35:58Brought you some clothes

00:35:58from home, mate.

00:36:00Thanks, mate.

00:36:01Um, Kim, uh...

00:36:03Kim smashed my coochie, sonny's.

00:36:07I'm sorry.

00:36:09So you really want to

00:36:10get back with Kim, mate?

00:36:14Yeah, I think so.

00:36:19Well, I don't know much, Brett,

00:36:20but I do know one thing

00:36:21and that's how to impress the ladies.

00:36:23I haven't been left at the altar

00:36:24four times for nothing,

00:36:25so listen up.

00:36:26That really is nice toast.

00:36:28Is that sourdough?

00:36:30This is Big Brother.

00:36:32All housemates to the lounge.

00:36:35Oh, that's gonna be me.

00:36:36Don't worry.

00:36:37You'll be okay.

00:36:39I'm not the pole dancer.

00:36:41She shouldn't go.

00:36:42She's ace.

00:36:43Actually, she hasn't got

00:36:44as good a bod as me.

00:36:46I'd be better at pole dancing

00:36:47than her, and guys love it.

00:36:50Oh, Kim, you don't need

00:36:51two snacks.

00:36:52Shh.

00:36:52Watching Big Brother uncut...

00:36:54Oh, what's happening?

00:36:55Nothing.

00:36:57Bye.

00:36:58What are you doing here?

00:37:00Uh, I've come to say sorry, Kim.

00:37:04Oh.

00:37:05Beautiful flowers for a...

00:37:08lady.

00:37:10What are you wearing?

00:37:11Is that Kelly's taste, is it?

00:37:13Oh, no, that's one of Kel's bombers.

00:37:15Oh, and Brett,

00:37:15those anti-cancer council sunnies

00:37:17are doing things to me.

00:37:18Thanks, Kat.

00:37:20Kim, there's nothing going on

00:37:22between me and Kelly.

00:37:24She's way out of my league.

00:37:26She's pretty,

00:37:27thin,

00:37:28smart.

00:37:29I'd stop there

00:37:29if I were you, Britt.

00:37:31Britt, I've told you,

00:37:32you can't just come

00:37:33waltzing in here

00:37:33and expect me to roll over.

00:37:35Oh, I know, Kim.

00:37:36Um, I just want to say

00:37:38I know we haven't got

00:37:40the happiest marriage.

00:37:42We fight all the time.

00:37:44We never have sex.

00:37:45Oh, beautiful words, Brett.

00:37:47I just want to come home.

00:37:49You know, Brett,

00:37:50your passion, Kelly,

00:37:51was a blessing.

00:37:52Not for her, obviously,

00:37:54but for me.

00:37:55Because it's made me realise

00:37:56I can do a whole lot better

00:37:57than a wingnut

00:37:58and a stonewashed bomber.

00:38:00I'm still young, Brett.

00:38:01I want to have another crack.

00:38:03I've given up the alcohol.

00:38:04I promise I'll never

00:38:05look at another woman.

00:38:06Probably.

00:38:08Goodbye, Brett.

00:38:09And close the fly screen

00:38:10when you go play.

00:38:11Kim!

00:38:12Kim, come back here.

00:38:14I knew it wouldn't work.

00:38:16And that's my lucky bomber.

00:38:20Men's lad.

00:38:21Yep, I always buy the best.

00:38:23Come on, Brett,

00:38:24I'll drive you back

00:38:25to the Buckingham.

00:38:26Thanks, mate.

00:38:43Oh, Sharon, love,

00:38:44no, you can't use the computer yet.

00:38:45I'm still downloading

00:38:46Michael Bublé to my iPod Mini.

00:38:48I've been looking up

00:38:49his back catalogue all morning,

00:38:50Sharon.

00:38:50It's huge.

00:38:52Oh, no, that's OK, Mrs. D.

00:38:54I've got some news.

00:39:01I'm getting married!

00:39:04What?

00:39:05Married?

00:39:06Are you doing this

00:39:06to spite me?

00:39:07Oh, Sharon,

00:39:08that's awesome news, love.

00:39:10Oh, thanks, Mrs. D.

00:39:11Can I crack open the tea, Maria,

00:39:12and put on some footy frames?

00:39:13Oh, you absolutely...

00:39:14Actually, no, Kimmy,

00:39:15you do that, please.

00:39:15Oh, Sharon,

00:39:16I'll spill your guts.

00:39:17What happened?

00:39:18Well, I met him

00:39:19on the online, Mrs. D.

00:39:20Yeah?

00:39:21His name's Marriott.

00:39:22Oh, Marriott.

00:39:23And we have been chatting

00:39:24all day and all night,

00:39:26and you know what?

00:39:28This is the one.

00:39:30It's amazing, Mrs. D.

00:39:31I mean,

00:39:32I've never actually

00:39:32met him physically,

00:39:33but I feel I know him

00:39:34so well.

00:39:35Just like I know

00:39:37everything about him.

00:39:38What does he do?

00:39:39I don't know.

00:39:40Well, where's he from?

00:39:41I don't know.

00:39:42What's he look like?

00:39:43I don't know.

00:39:44Oh, Sharon,

00:39:45I'm that pleased for you, love.

00:39:47So, have you set a date?

00:39:48Boxing Day.

00:39:49Oh!

00:39:50What, this year?

00:39:51I've got it all planned.

00:39:53We are going to

00:39:53the Boxing Day test match,

00:39:54of course,

00:39:55then making our way

00:39:57on foot through Jollymont

00:39:58to the gardens

00:39:59where we will be married

00:40:00in Captain Cook's cottage.

00:40:02Captain Cook's cottage?

00:40:03You'll never fit in there.

00:40:05It's tiny.

00:40:06Kim?

00:40:07I think that sounds beautiful, Sharon.

00:40:09And Kim?

00:40:10Yes, Sharon?

00:40:12Kim?

00:40:14Would you do me the honour

00:40:15of being my matron

00:40:17of honour?

00:40:22I hate being put

00:40:23on the spot like this.

00:40:25Well, what am I going to say?

00:40:26Of course I have to say yes.

00:40:27Great!

00:40:28Sharon, you're going to

00:40:29make a super bride, love.

00:40:30Super-sized bride.

00:40:32Well, Kim, you can't talk.

00:40:34I mean, you're hardly

00:40:34Angelina Jollybob-pitch yourself.

00:40:36How much weight have you

00:40:37lost since having Anthony?

00:40:39None.

00:40:39Excuse me?

00:40:40I'm a yummy mummy.

00:40:42Yeah, yummy mummy

00:40:43with a whopping tummy.

00:40:44I heard that.

00:40:46So when do we get

00:40:46to see this, Mr Wright?

00:40:48Well, I've seen him

00:40:48over the airfare.

00:40:50He's coming on Christmas Day.

00:40:51Sharon, that doesn't

00:40:52sound too good, love.

00:40:53Oh, no, it's OK.

00:40:54I had the money saved.

00:40:55No, no, no.

00:40:56I need to know

00:40:56whether he's going to be here

00:40:57for Christmas Day lunch,

00:40:58re-breadsticks.

00:40:59Because, you know,

00:41:00now bread's iffy.

00:41:01I mean, I don't want

00:41:01to be caught short

00:41:02or worse,

00:41:03over-cater and then

00:41:04be left with sticks

00:41:05on my hands.

00:41:07Oh, that's my iPod mini.

00:41:08That's finished.

00:41:08That's good.

00:41:10I've got to get

00:41:11my wedding dress

00:41:12and my shoes

00:41:12and organise

00:41:14the hens night.

00:41:14What are we doing

00:41:16for that,

00:41:17chief bridesmaid?

00:41:18I don't know.

00:41:20Kim,

00:41:21I'm a bit nervous

00:41:22about the wedding night.

00:41:24I really want

00:41:25to surprise him.

00:41:27I know what would

00:41:27really surprise this guy

00:41:28on your wedding night.

00:41:30It's if you did

00:41:30pole dancing.

00:41:32Oh, yes!

00:41:33I reckon I'd be

00:41:34really good at that.

00:41:35Everyone's doing it.

00:41:36Really?

00:41:37Yeah, I could teach you.

00:41:38But we might be better

00:41:39to go to someone

00:41:40who knows how to do it.

00:41:41Oh, thanks, Kim.

00:41:44Brett seems to be

00:41:47coping pretty well.

00:41:49You know,

00:41:49I think Kim's being

00:41:50a bit untied, actually.

00:41:52I mean,

00:41:52what's an innocent

00:41:52pash between work colleagues?

00:41:54Hey, I don't want you

00:41:55getting any ideas

00:41:56like that, missus.

00:41:57Oh, Kel,

00:41:58as if I'd ever want

00:41:59to French kiss anybody else.

00:42:00Except for Michael Bublé,

00:42:01of course.

00:42:03Do me now.

00:42:06Oh, Kel,

00:42:07that feels really nice.

00:42:09You're tense, sweets.

00:42:10Well, you know, Kel,

00:42:11I'm phonetic at the moment.

00:42:13And now with Sharon's wedding,

00:42:14I'm just really scared

00:42:16Sharon's heading for a fall

00:42:17with this fellow.

00:42:18I mean,

00:42:18they've only known each other

00:42:19a couple of days.

00:42:20We hardly knew each other

00:42:21before we got engaged.

00:42:23Yeah, but we locked horns

00:42:24straight away,

00:42:24which I think's important.

00:42:26And your parent

00:42:26still do things to me.

00:42:28Oh, Kel, stop it.

00:42:29This is serious.

00:42:31I mean,

00:42:31what if this fellow

00:42:32turns out to be a psycho

00:42:33or worse,

00:42:34doesn't show up?

00:42:35You're traps,

00:42:36tight, sweets.

00:42:37Yeah, I know.

00:42:38Lou set it up for me,

00:42:38will you?

00:42:39I need this.

00:42:39It's got to be right

00:42:40for Saturday night.

00:42:41I don't want to let

00:42:41Michael Bublé down.

00:42:42Actually, Kel,

00:42:44have you seen those falsies

00:42:45I bought?

00:42:45Because I need those

00:42:46boobs for Bublé.

00:42:48Bloody Bublé.

00:42:49Bublé this,

00:42:50Bublé that.

00:42:52Kel,

00:42:52don't say Bublé this

00:42:53and Bublé that,

00:42:54please.

00:42:55So he happens

00:42:56to push my buttons.

00:42:57Well, get over it, Kel.

00:43:03Sharon,

00:43:04what have you come as?

00:43:06Well,

00:43:07this is my Polish

00:43:08national costume.

00:43:09Kim, why?

00:43:10Oh, I said pole dancing.

00:43:13You well,

00:43:13I'm a pole,

00:43:14Kim Streslicky.

00:43:15Well,

00:43:15half a pole anyway

00:43:16on my dad's side.

00:43:17No,

00:43:18sexy dancing

00:43:19with a pole.

00:43:22That sounds

00:43:23a bit stupid,

00:43:23Kim.

00:43:24Oh, stupid,

00:43:25is it?

00:43:26So are the people

00:43:26on Big Brother

00:43:27stupid,

00:43:27Sharon,

00:43:28because they all

00:43:29do pole dancing.

00:43:30All right,

00:43:30ladies,

00:43:31in your count,

00:43:31find yourselves

00:43:32your pole.

00:43:32Oh,

00:43:32oh,

00:43:33oh,

00:43:34oh,

00:43:35oh,

00:43:36oh,

00:43:37oh,

00:43:38oh,

00:43:39oh,

00:43:39Brett,

00:43:44can I see you

00:43:45in my office,

00:43:46please?

00:43:56Shut the door,

00:43:56Brett.

00:43:59How are you,

00:44:00Kelly?

00:44:01Well,

00:44:01flat chat.

00:44:02What with all

00:44:03the new Christmas

00:44:03hours.

00:44:04Oh,

00:44:04yeah,

00:44:04yeah.

00:44:05Now,

00:44:05Brett,

00:44:05I just have to ask,

00:44:06how are things

00:44:07going at home?

00:44:08Oh,

00:44:09um,

00:44:10oh,

00:44:10me and Kim,

00:44:11yeah,

00:44:11separating.

00:44:13Right.

00:44:14Well,

00:44:14that's good

00:44:15that I know

00:44:15that now,

00:44:16because I really

00:44:16need you to spend

00:44:17the night with me,

00:44:18Brett.

00:44:20Oh,

00:44:21g'day.

00:44:23Really?

00:44:24Oh,

00:44:25babe,

00:44:25yeah,

00:44:26yeah,

00:44:26I'd be happy to,

00:44:27yeah,

00:44:27happy to,

00:44:28yeah.

00:44:28Yeah,

00:44:29Brodie's off sick

00:44:29and I need you

00:44:30down in software.

00:44:31Yep,

00:44:32yeah,

00:44:33software.

00:44:33And back!

00:44:38This is really sexy,

00:44:39isn't it?

00:44:40Yeah.

00:44:41Step,

00:44:43drop,

00:44:43drop.

00:44:44Anyway,

00:44:44Kim,

00:44:45my hen's knot

00:44:45is going to be

00:44:46really nice.

00:44:47All the girls

00:44:48from netball

00:44:48are going to be

00:44:49there and all

00:44:50the girls from

00:44:50indoor cricket.

00:44:52I hope some guys

00:44:52are coming.

00:44:54It's not looking

00:44:54really hot at the

00:44:55moment.

00:44:56Here you are,

00:44:57Kim.

00:44:57Step!

00:44:59It's ironical,

00:44:59isn't it,

00:45:00Kim,

00:45:01that now that I'm

00:45:02the one who's

00:45:02getting married

00:45:03while you are

00:45:05desperate and

00:45:06dateless.

00:45:06Oh,

00:45:06don't worry about

00:45:07me,

00:45:07Sharon.

00:45:08At your hen's

00:45:09night,

00:45:09God's going to be

00:45:10eating putty out

00:45:10of my hands.

00:45:28Well,

00:45:29I thank you

00:45:29very much.

00:45:32Kim!

00:45:39Kim!

00:45:41Oh, wow.

00:45:42You look really

00:45:43gorgeous.

00:45:43I know.

00:45:44I'm loving myself

00:45:45sick in this outfit.

00:45:46Isn't this fantastic?

00:45:48I've always wanted to

00:45:48have a 1980s theme

00:45:50party.

00:45:50So where's your

00:45:51mum, Kim?

00:45:52Oh, she's looking

00:45:52after Epony and

00:45:53Tilkel comes home.

00:45:58Kim!

00:45:58Sharon!

00:45:59Oh, mum!

00:46:00Hi!

00:46:00What a great costume!

00:46:03Oh, wow,

00:46:03Mrs. D,

00:46:04you look hilarious.

00:46:05You're going to win for

00:46:06sure.

00:46:06Where'd you get that?

00:46:07Oh, from my wardrobe,

00:46:09Sharon.

00:46:10Costume?

00:46:11Yeah, it's an 80s

00:46:12party.

00:46:13Oh, no!

00:46:14Nobody told me!

00:46:16Oh, I would have put

00:46:17something funny on.

00:46:18Oh, jeez, Sharon, I'm

00:46:22liking this venue.

00:46:26Zeppany, are you alright?

00:46:27Oh, totally in control.

00:46:29Kel's got it sorted,

00:46:30Kim.

00:46:30When I left, it was

00:46:31beautiful.

00:46:32The two of them are

00:46:32sitting up on the couch

00:46:33watching a DVD of

00:46:35Meet the Pockers.

00:46:36Don't worry, she's fine.

00:46:37Come on, Ips, it's a good film.

00:46:41It's Barbra Streisand.

00:46:42We love Barbra Streisand.

00:46:44Yes, we do.

00:46:45Come on, Ips.

00:46:47It's a good film.

00:46:49It's Barbra Streisand.

00:46:51Just hang on, hang on.

00:46:58Just relax.

00:46:59Just stay there.

00:47:00You'll be alright.

00:47:01Stay there, Ips.

00:47:14I'm sorry.

00:47:16I'm sorry.

00:47:19I'm sorry.

00:47:21I'm sorry.

00:47:24You know, I'm sorry.

00:47:25You're right, guys.

00:47:26I'm sorry.

00:47:28I'm sorry.

00:47:30I'm sorry.

00:47:32Woo!

00:47:35Woo!

00:47:37Woo!

00:47:39Woo!

00:47:41Oh, my God.

00:47:42Woo!

00:47:43Woo!

00:47:44Woo!

00:47:46Woo!

00:47:48Woo!

00:47:50Woo!

00:47:51Well, we can go as strong.

00:47:58Would you like to have Christmas lunch as well?

00:48:01We're having seafood extender.

00:48:03This is the night, yeah.

00:48:06This is the night.

00:48:08This is the time.

00:48:10We've got to get it right.

00:48:12Touch me, touch me.

00:48:15I want to feel your pain.

00:48:16Guys, I'm quite over here, please.

00:48:19We got that right, love.

00:48:20We got that right, love.

00:48:21We got that right, love.

00:48:27Make this way.

00:48:29Oh, Kim, what the doctor say?

00:48:31She said I've cricked my neck and cracked my clack.

00:48:33Oh, Kim.

00:48:35Loyalize the ocean.

00:48:37Shut up, Mum.

00:48:38No, Kim, I've got to rehearse.

00:48:40I've got carols tonight.

00:48:41You know, Kim, I'm just so glad that I can finally put my Buena Vista Social Club TAFE course to good use.

00:48:46No, Epony, Mummy's not pushing you.

00:48:51Hi, Kim.

00:48:52Hi, Mrs D.

00:48:52Oh, hi, Sharon.

00:48:53How's the hen today?

00:48:54A bit peckish, actually.

00:48:56So, come on, Kim, you ready?

00:48:57No.

00:48:57Let's go.

00:48:58I've got to wait for Brett.

00:48:59He's minding Epony.

00:49:00Oh, so what's on for the bride to be tonight, Sharon?

00:49:02Oh, I'm going to go looking for a gown for my wedding, and I'm going to go looking for a guy for Christmas.

00:49:07Oh, can you better let me know?

00:49:09Because I've still got those breadstickle issues.

00:49:11Hi.

00:49:12Oh, hi, Brett.

00:49:12Hi, Breddy.

00:49:13Oh, yes, we're going to have fun today, just you and me.

00:49:16Hi, Kim.

00:49:17Come on, Sharon, let's go to Fountain Gate.

00:49:19I want to inflict myself.

00:49:21Ow!

00:49:22Kel, come on!

00:49:23We've got to get to the Sydney Myer Music Bowl by 6.15 for the dress, doll!

00:49:31Kel, don't eat those.

00:49:32They're not for us.

00:49:33They're for the wiggles.

00:49:34Can't you read?

00:49:35I need to bite my head off.

00:49:37I might have one of those drinks.

00:49:38No, they're Rhonda Birchmore's Gatorades.

00:49:41You're a toey tonight.

00:49:42Yeah, well, of course I'm a toey, Kel.

00:49:44I mean, that rehearsal was a fiasco.

00:49:46Everyone was out of time except for me.

00:49:48Just chill for a minute.

00:49:49Come here and I'll rub your oily back.

00:49:52No, no, Kel.

00:49:53Look, I think I might just pop up and say a quick chugas to Booble.

00:49:56I think that'd be appropriate, actually.

00:49:58You'd better put some clothes on.

00:50:00Yes, I will.

00:50:01Yes.

00:50:08Hey, darling, can you give me a hand with my zip?

00:50:13Oh, sorry, Rhonda.

00:50:14Turn the hands.

00:50:22Oh, I must have banged my nose on that bloody pole as well.

00:50:26No, Kim, there's a carbuncle.

00:50:29Hey, Kim, do you want to see my ring?

00:50:31I bought it so that people will know that I am off the market.

00:50:35There's Santa.

00:50:36I got such a vibe from him the other day.

00:50:38Ho, ho, ho, ho.

00:50:40Thank you, Santa, I am.

00:50:43Hey, Kim, have you noticed the looks that I'm getting at the moment?

00:50:47Oh, Sharon, as if.

00:50:49Sorry, but you're tragic.

00:50:51I am not tragic, Kim.

00:50:52I am engaged and I really need to get a wedding dress.

00:50:56Oh, stop panicking.

00:50:57The shops are open all night.

00:50:58We'll get to Boomba Bridal Wear.

00:51:01That's not very nice, Kim.

00:51:03That's not what it's called.

00:51:04It's a very nice, Kim.

00:51:07G'day, Smiley, what would you like?

00:51:09I'll have a chicken fajata, please.

00:51:11Well, actually, I was talking to your friend.

00:51:13Oh, you're engaged.

00:51:15That's always the way.

00:51:19Ew!

00:51:28Hello.

00:51:31Oh, hello, Michael.

00:51:33My name's Kath Day-Knight.

00:51:34I'm the principal dancer for your number tonight.

00:51:36I just want to say I'm a huge fan.

00:51:38Well, come in, have a drink.

00:51:40Oh, thank you, Michael.

00:51:42Oh, gee, this is big, isn't it?

00:51:43I've got your own toot.

00:51:45Hello.

00:51:47Kath!

00:51:48G'day, mate.

00:52:11We're a bit lost.

00:52:13And we've lost Anthony.

00:52:14Have you seen him?

00:52:15No.

00:52:16So who's Anthony?

00:52:17He's the Blue Wiggle.

00:52:19Stage management said there'd be some sandwiches here for us.

00:52:21Have you seen them?

00:52:23No.

00:52:24Yeah.

00:52:24We've got five minutes.

00:52:26That's our five-minute call.

00:52:27Let's go, guys.

00:52:29Put in the oranges.

00:52:30Oranges?

00:52:31No, no.

00:52:31It's bananas in this song, Geoff.

00:52:32Bananas.

00:52:35Are you blind?

00:52:37This is a men's shop.

00:52:38I know that, Kim.

00:52:40It's a surprise from Marriott.

00:52:42I'm buying him a whole new outfit.

00:52:44Can I help you?

00:52:50Oh, I'm getting married in two days.

00:52:52Congratulations.

00:52:53My fiancé needs a new suit.

00:52:55Not a problem.

00:52:56What size is he?

00:52:57I don't know.

00:52:58Well, it's all right.

00:52:59Is he, say, taller than me?

00:53:01I don't know.

00:53:02Okay.

00:53:03Well, what's his favourite colour?

00:53:04Beige?

00:53:05Powder blue?

00:53:06Is he an apricot man?

00:53:08I don't know.

00:53:09Terrific.

00:53:10I'll just leave you to it, shall I?

00:53:11Excuse me.

00:53:13Are you married?

00:53:14No.

00:53:15Would you like to have Christmas lunch with me?

00:53:18No.

00:53:20Oh, twisty fingers.

00:53:24Yeah, it took us, Michael.

00:53:27Kath, what have you been doing in there?

00:53:30You've been going for ages.

00:53:31Nothing, Kel.

00:53:32Michael just invited me in for a nice drink and a sandwich.

00:53:35Did he just?

00:53:36I know his type.

00:53:37Where is this clown?

00:53:38Kel, that's our five minute call, doll.

00:53:40We've got to go.

00:53:40Come on, I'm not even dressed.

00:53:42You'll keep, Bublé.

00:53:48Hey, thanks for your help back there, Kath.

00:53:50You're obviously an old pro from where back.

00:53:52Oh, right back at you, mister.

00:53:53Kath, remember, save the last dance for me.

00:53:57Oh, I'm so there.

00:53:58Yeah.

00:53:58Oh.

00:54:04And now will you please welcome the one and only Mr. Michael Bublé and the mature age

00:54:26students from the Jazzy B Dance Studio with Sway.

00:54:29When Marimba rhythms start to play, dance with me, make me sway, like a lazy ocean hucks

00:54:54the shore, hold me close, sway me more.

00:54:59I like a flower bending in the breeze, bend with me, sway with me.

00:55:07Oh, when we dance, you got away with me, stay with me, sweat with me.

00:55:15Other dancers may be on the floor, dear, but my eyes will see only you.

00:55:21Only you have that magic technique.

00:55:25When we sway, I go in.

00:55:29Come on.

00:55:37What do you think, Kim?

00:55:39It's a bit tight.

00:55:40I can't walk very well.

00:55:41I can't hover low.

00:55:43Oh, jeez, Kim.

00:55:43I really love it.

00:55:47Oh, my God.

00:55:48I know.

00:55:49It's really nice, isn't it?

00:55:51Oh, that is so funny.

00:55:53Oh, wear that, Sharon.

00:55:55Wear that.

00:55:56I don't want to look funny, Kim.

00:55:57I want to look pretty.

00:55:58Oh, come on, Sharon.

00:55:59You're never going to look pretty.

00:56:00That's it, Kim.

00:56:03I've had enough.

00:56:05I'm not putting up with any more of your abuse.

00:56:08I've done everything for you.

00:56:09I've put my career on hold.

00:56:11I could have been anything if I'd had the talent,

00:56:14but instead I have come around to your house every single day

00:56:17and been your escape goat.

00:56:19Well, I have got some home truths for you,

00:56:22Kimberley, Diane, Craig, Knee Day.

00:56:25You are not a hornbag.

00:56:27And, in fact, you look a whole lot older than what you say you are.

00:56:33And look around, Kimberley.

00:56:34Guys are not lining up to eat putty out of your hand.

00:56:38Oh, so what are you saying, Sharon?

00:56:39They're eating putty out of my hand in my head.

00:56:42Unlike me, Kim, you can't even get anyone.

00:56:45Not even Brett.

00:56:48Thin ice, Sharon.

00:56:51Since I've met Marriott,

00:56:53his love and support has given me the strength

00:56:55to stand up to you, Kim.

00:56:57Marriott?

00:56:58Marriott?

00:56:59You haven't even met Marriott, Sharon?

00:57:03Take that back!

00:57:05I am warning you, Kim,

00:57:07if you say one more thing about Marriott,

00:57:09I swear I will kill you!

00:57:12Do you hear me?

00:57:13I will kill you!

00:57:15When we sway, I go weep.

00:57:27I can hear the sound of violins

00:57:30Long before it begins

00:57:34Make me thrill is only you know how

00:57:38Sway me smooth, sway me now

00:57:41When marimbo rhythms start to play

00:57:45Dance with me, make me sway

00:57:49Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore

00:57:53Hold me close, sway me more

00:57:57Like a flower bending in the breeze

00:58:03Like a flower bending in the breeze

00:58:03Bend with me, sway with me

00:58:07When we dance, when we dance

00:58:08When we dance, you got away with me

00:58:11Stay with me, sway with me

00:58:14When marimbo rhythms start to play

00:58:18Hold me close, make me sway

00:58:21Like an ocean hugs the shore

00:58:25Hold me close, sway me more

00:58:29Like a flower bending in the breeze

00:58:33Bend with me, sway with me

00:58:37When we dance, you got away with me

00:58:41Stay with me, sway with me

00:58:45What the hell are you doing out there?

00:58:59What's your story?

00:59:00Michael Bublé could have been seriously injured

00:59:02He could sue us

00:59:03You put it out there, Kath

00:59:05Put what out where?

00:59:07Come on, Kath

00:59:08You wear those foxy high-waisted jeans

00:59:10You see-through blouse

00:59:11You put it out there

00:59:12And you damn well know it

00:59:14Oh, I do not know it

00:59:16If I knew I knew it

00:59:17I wouldn't do it, would I?

00:59:18You're just being paranoid, Kel

00:59:20I'm not being paranoid, Kath

00:59:22I need some of you

00:59:23Kel, don't walk away from me, please

00:59:26Well, you needn't bother coming home tonight

00:59:30You won't be welcome

00:59:31Could you tell me the correct time, please?

00:59:416.45 in the morning

00:59:42I've been up shopping all night

00:59:46I'm getting married

00:59:47Mm, completely over the limit

00:59:50Well, not a cent

00:59:51No, it looks about right

00:59:53No, I'm happy to

00:59:55Now, thank you

00:59:56Bye-bye

00:59:56The bank's instructed me

00:59:59To do this to your credit card

01:00:01And that comes in a cute complimentary Christmas box

01:00:04Thank you

01:00:05Bye-bye

01:00:06Pru, congratulations

01:00:12I've just been reading about it in the paper

01:00:14So what happened?

01:00:15Oh, hi, Trude

01:00:17Oh, you know, Adrian just did a deal

01:00:19And the courts granted him immunity

01:00:20Well, your hair looks great in this photo

01:00:23I'm so pleased for you, Pru

01:00:26Oh, thanks, Trude

01:00:28And, you know, it has absolutely restored my faith in the justice system

01:00:31Oh, yes

01:00:32So what happened?

01:00:33What sort of deal did he do?

01:00:34Oh, you know, he just rolled over and named names

01:00:36Oh, what?

01:00:37Who?

01:00:38Oh, well, you know, everyone we know

01:00:39Well, not Graham

01:00:41Oh, yes, I think so

01:00:43Oh, Christ, I'm going to go

01:00:45Where are you going?

01:00:46I'm going to go home and hide my wall

01:00:48Oh, all right

01:00:50Bye-bye, Trude

01:00:51See you at Croods

01:00:53Or not

01:00:54Bloody Sharon

01:01:05I am not mean

01:01:07Mummy is a hornbag, aren't I?

01:01:09Hey, Eppony

01:01:09No

01:01:10You little

01:01:11You said your first word?

01:01:13Say it again, say it again

01:01:15No

01:01:16Mum, Eppony just said her first word

01:01:20Oh, that's nice, Kim

01:01:21But I've got issues at the moment

01:01:22Kel and I have separated

01:01:24So have Sharon and me

01:01:26So what happened?

01:01:28Kel's green-eyed monster

01:01:29That's what happened, Kim

01:01:30Reared its ugly head big time last night

01:01:33Ew

01:01:33Well, I wouldn't expect you to understand, Kim

01:01:36Because guys don't naturally flock to you

01:01:37But they seem to go insanely jealous over me

01:01:40I don't know

01:01:41I've got this aphrodisiac that does things to them

01:01:44Anyway, Kel lost it last night big time

01:01:47I've chucked him out

01:01:50He's gone to the Buckingham

01:01:51I have to say, now you've split up

01:01:53I never liked him

01:01:54He's tragic

01:01:56His hair, his zip-up shoes

01:01:58The way he eats his yoghurt and muesli

01:02:01Shorty dressing gown

01:02:02Oh, stop it, Kim, stop it

01:02:03Oh, you're just reminding me of his myriad of virile ways

01:02:06Oh, Kath, you've been a fool

01:02:09Kim, you'll have to drive me over there to the Buckingham

01:02:15I've got to go back to him

01:02:16Quick, get your keys and drive me

01:02:17I can't possibly drive

01:02:18I'm too upset

01:02:18Yeah, you kicked me once during the night

01:02:28But besides that, I slept beautifully

01:02:30Looks like we're both in a doghouse now, eh, Kel?

01:02:34Yeah, my jealousy could have cost me my marriage

01:02:36You know, I went deep inside myself last night, Brent

01:02:40Yeah, I heard you

01:02:41And I realised that I don't own Kath

01:02:44Oh, she can't help being a fox

01:02:46And I know now more than ever that I can't live without her

01:02:49She's my H2O

01:02:51You must feel the same way about Kim

01:02:53You must want to wake up, turn over and see that face staring back at you

01:02:58Every single morning for the rest of your life

01:03:00Hear that voice in your ear hole

01:03:03Every second of every day

01:03:04Day in, day out

01:03:05Till the day you die

01:03:07Oh, it gives you a warm feeling inside, doesn't it, mate?

01:03:14Would you stop texting, please? It's dangerous

01:03:16Shut up, Mum, I'm getting a new ringtone

01:03:18Oh, Kim, look, there's the newsagents

01:03:22I might deliver Peter's present while we're here

01:03:24Oh, good

01:03:24Yeah, just slow down here a bit, that's great

01:03:30Merry Christmas, Peter!

01:03:37Kel, Kel, it's me

01:03:57Let me in

01:03:59Kel

01:04:00Kel, I'm sorry

01:04:05Come home, Kel, please

01:04:08No, Kath

01:04:10You come in here

01:04:12Oh, Kel

01:04:13Oh, this is nice, isn't it?

01:04:20Oh, and there's your toot

01:04:21Oh, nice-sized shower, Kel

01:04:23What's the pressure like?

01:04:24Would you like a nice glass of complimentary bubbles?

01:04:26Oh, yes, please

01:04:28Now, Kath, I have to ask

01:04:35You and this boo-blay character

01:04:38Did anything happen in the dressing room?

01:04:41Kel, no

01:04:42He just gave me some performance tips

01:04:44And I backcombed his hair a little

01:04:46That's all

01:04:47Come here, Foxy

01:04:50Oh, Kel

01:04:51Oh, Kel

01:04:53Oh, that feels nice

01:04:55What do you call that?

01:04:56Sorry, Kath, it's my piccolo

01:04:58Oh, oh

01:04:59Oh, Kel

01:05:03Oh, Kel

01:05:05Sorry, y'all

01:05:30Kel

01:05:37Oh, that guy looks like John Monk

01:05:40The albino

01:05:41What would he be doing out here?

01:05:43You don't think he's come out to get the 44U

01:05:45As he reckons we're still alive, do you?

01:05:47That wasn't him

01:05:48He's paranoid now

01:05:50Oh, you're probably right, Kel

01:05:52But then again, albinos don't grow on trees

01:05:55Well, do they

01:05:58We wish you a merry Christmas

01:06:00We wish you a merry Christmas

01:06:02We wish you a merry Christmas

01:06:03We wish you a merry Christmas

01:06:04And a happy new day

01:06:05Oh, look, look

01:06:07He's bleeding

01:06:08He's bleeding

01:06:09He's bleeding

01:06:10Look, Epps

01:06:11Oh, how exciting

01:06:12Where is it?

01:06:14Where is it?

01:06:15Oh, look, Santa's had his Baileys

01:06:16And his Tim Tams

01:06:17And he's eaten the whole packet

01:06:19Where's your sack, Epps?

01:06:20Look

01:06:21It's full, Eppony

01:06:22Oh, where's mine?

01:06:23Where's mine?

01:06:24Oh, I think that might be mine

01:06:26No, it's Eppony's

01:06:27Oh

01:06:30Do you like that, Epps?

01:06:32No

01:06:33What the hell?

01:06:36Oh, Kim, what'd you get?

01:06:38Oh, they're exercise bands, Kim

01:06:40They're perfect for you, clever Santa

01:06:42And Kel, Kel

01:06:44Here's one from me

01:06:46Thanks, Kath

01:06:47Oh, what is it?

01:06:49Oh

01:06:50A Buckingham dressing gown

01:06:53Yes

01:06:54Must have cost you a fortune, Kath

01:06:56I didn't pay for it

01:06:57And here's one of mine to you

01:06:59Oh, Kel, what is it?

01:07:01Oh

01:07:02I bet it's a book

01:07:03A CD

01:07:06The very best of Kel Knight

01:07:08What's this?

01:07:09I recorded it at work

01:07:10In the cool room

01:07:11Terrific acoustics

01:07:12All original compositions

01:07:14Oh, you're kidding

01:07:15What's it got?

01:07:16Kath come home

01:07:17There's a hole in the bed

01:07:18Lady in mango

01:07:20Making love on the ensuite floor

01:07:23Oh

01:07:24Remember the Buckingham, Kath?

01:07:25Oh, Kel

01:07:26I'll never have it off again

01:07:28I, uh, might put the kettle on

01:07:33What are you looking all mealy-mouthed for, Kim?

01:07:37Well, put yourself in my feet for a minute, Mum

01:07:39I mean, no one cares about me

01:07:41Sharon's not talking to me

01:07:42Brett's left me

01:07:43Santa obviously doesn't give a fat rats

01:07:45Oh, that's not true, Kim

01:07:47Brett has been trying to make it up with you

01:07:50Come on, why don't you take him back?

01:07:52Where's your spirit of Christmas?

01:07:54Maybe you're right

01:07:56Maybe I should take him out of the freezer

01:07:58He's probably been in there long enough

01:08:00Oh, no, the freezer!

01:08:01The turkey

01:08:02I was meant to take it out of the freezer last night

01:08:05Oh, damn it

01:08:07Oh

01:08:09Don't open anymore without me

01:08:11Oh

01:08:13Oh

01:08:15Oh

01:08:20I'll put it on the windowsill here to thaw out

01:08:22Merry Christmas, everyone

01:08:24Oh, Brett

01:08:25Merry Christmas

01:08:26Merry Christmas, Brett

01:08:28Present for you

01:08:30Merry Christmas

01:08:31Brett

01:08:32I just got you a present

01:08:35Your filthy text

01:08:36What?

01:08:37I didn't

01:08:38I loved it

01:08:40And Brett

01:08:42My present to you is

01:08:44Oh, Dane to take you back

01:08:46Dane?

01:08:47I think you're desperate to have him back, aren't you, Kim?

01:08:49She hasn't had one iota of interest from anybody else, Brett

01:08:52Shut up, mate

01:08:53Merry Christmas, Brett

01:08:54That's from me

01:08:55So, Brett, are you over the moon?

01:08:58Oh

01:08:59Yeah, okay, yeah

01:09:01Buckingham's getting pretty exy

01:09:03I really miss Ebbs

01:09:05Yeah, okay

01:09:07Can we use Spank?

01:09:08No, I can't, actually

01:09:09I've got to go to work

01:09:10What?

01:09:11On Christmas Day?

01:09:12New workplace at Grimm's Cowl

01:09:13Oh

01:09:14Bloody Howard

01:09:15I bet he's not working on Christmas Day

01:09:16Who?

01:09:17Well, anyhow

01:09:18I didn't know if I was going to be invited here

01:09:19So I volunteered

01:09:20I didn't want to be on my own

01:09:22Merry Christmas, Ebbs

01:09:24Bye-bye

01:09:25Bye, Kim

01:09:26Oh, bye, Brett

01:09:27See you, Miss Dane

01:09:28How nice of going

01:09:29I'll save you some put, babe

01:09:30Yeah

01:09:41Oh, no

01:09:42Oh, it's still completely frozen in the middle

01:09:56How can that be?

01:09:58Oh

01:09:59Oh

01:10:00Oh

01:10:05Oh

01:10:06Oh

01:10:07Oh, God

01:10:08Oh

01:10:09Oh

01:10:10Oh, can you help me, Kim?

01:10:11What are you doing?

01:10:12Oh

01:10:13Get up

01:10:14It's all greasy

01:10:15Oh

01:10:16I've got grease all over the Chrissy Capris now

01:10:19Oh

01:10:20Wait, have you seen Sharon, Kim?

01:10:22No

01:10:23Not since she threatened to kill me in the middle of Fountain Gate

01:10:25No, I haven't

01:10:26Well, she's meant to be here

01:10:27Wasn't she going to pick up Marriott from the airport

01:10:29and bring him for lunch?

01:10:30Oh, what?

01:10:31Well, she's meant to bring the icebergs

01:10:33I've got to get those dressed

01:10:34Too sweet

01:10:36So, let me get this straight

01:10:38The turkey's not ready

01:10:39Kel's only bought one chook

01:10:41What are we going to eat?

01:10:42You know, I'm always ravishing on Christmas Day

01:10:44Oh

01:10:45I don't know, Kim

01:10:46Look

01:10:47Just get these chicken fillets in the freezer

01:10:48Get those out

01:10:49We've got chicken tonight

01:10:50We can have chicken tonight today

01:10:51Oh

01:10:53Jingy's

01:10:54My capris

01:10:55The turkey

01:10:56The icebergs

01:10:57What else could go wrong?

01:11:17Oh

01:11:18Kel

01:11:19Oh

01:11:20Must have

01:11:21Dropped off

01:11:23Oh

01:11:27Is someone outside, Kel?

01:11:36It's the albino, Kel

01:11:37It's John Monk

01:11:38What's he doing here?

01:11:40He's coming inside

01:11:42Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph

01:11:44What?

01:11:45The code

01:11:46The code, Kath

01:11:47I've just realised all the signs were there

01:11:49I've cracked it, Kath

01:11:50Yeah, I think I have two, Kel

01:11:52No, I've cracked the code

01:11:53The Da Vinci Code

01:11:54Listen, it's like a puzzle

01:11:56First there was a card that nearly ran over me

01:11:58Then there was a slash painting

01:11:59And our names, Kel

01:12:00I've always thought

01:12:01I've always thought

01:12:02Kill Knight, Knights Templar, Kath

01:12:03Day, Opus Day

01:12:04Now John Monk has come here to kill us

01:12:05Just like in the end of the Da Vinci Code

01:12:07Is that what happened in the end?

01:12:08Because I didn't finish it

01:12:09I lost dangerous

01:12:10Oh no

01:12:11You cracked the code yet?

01:12:17Yes

01:12:18You're gonna kill us

01:12:19No, no, I'm not

01:12:20You haven't read the clues properly

01:12:21You haven't worked it out, have you?

01:12:22Where is that painting?

01:12:23The painting?

01:12:24Is it there?

01:12:25Is it there?

01:12:34So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet

01:12:37And it spells out the magic word franchisee?

01:12:40Well what does that mean?

01:12:41It means that I want to offer you and Kel

01:12:44The Da Vinci Code tour franchise

01:12:46What?

01:12:47Oh

01:12:49Sorry John, the flies are terrible this year

01:12:52Look, Kath, when I saw you jump out of that bog window in the louver

01:12:56I knew you'd make the perfect tour guide

01:12:59But I couldn't be certain

01:13:01I had to put you to the test

01:13:03That's why I left that clue in the Bible

01:13:05What clue?

01:13:07I circled the passage

01:13:09And Jesus spake under the franchisees

01:13:13Oh, right

01:13:14And what about the 44 euros?

01:13:16What was that all about?

01:13:17You texted me, it was on your car

01:13:19Is that another clue?

01:13:20You've got to think about the letters

01:13:2344 euros

01:13:26Rearrange the letters

01:13:27Yes!

01:13:28It's a mammogram

01:13:3044 euros

01:13:31Your tour's offer

01:13:32Yes

01:13:33What does that mean?

01:13:34Our tour's kill

01:13:35We're going to be tour operators

01:13:37Oh, I can't believe I didn't crack that earlier

01:13:39And me being a Sudoku nut

01:13:41Well, I was a bit surprised you were snow on the update cuff

01:13:44Oh, look, we'll make it up to you, John

01:13:45You wait

01:13:46We'll be the best damn franchisees this side of Bomb Beach

01:13:49It's getting hot here, isn't it?

01:13:50Oh, it is hot

01:13:51Yes

01:13:53I'll help you with that, eh?

01:13:54Oh, it's a dry survey, John

01:13:57Here we go

01:13:58So, John

01:13:59Why are you selling the franchise?

01:14:01I'm his hairdresser's orders, really

01:14:02I'm not really an albino

01:14:04Oh

01:14:05No, this is peroxide

01:14:07Oh

01:14:08Amazing, isn't it?

01:14:09Vidal says that if I'm not careful

01:14:11This could turn into one great big dried up frizzy old perm

01:14:15Oh

01:14:16That'd be awful, wouldn't it?

01:14:17I wouldn't want one of those

01:14:19Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?

01:14:22Well, what is it?

01:14:23Yeah, we're just going to have some seafood

01:14:25Leftover seafood

01:14:26Australian seafood, very nice

01:14:28Yeah, we've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I?

01:14:30Yeah, and we've got the chicken tonight

01:14:31that we didn't have today

01:14:32that we can have tonight

01:14:33Oh

01:14:34Fancy a walk before dinner, John?

01:14:36Oh

01:14:37Not a problem

01:14:38Where's Kim?

01:14:39Where'd she get to?

01:14:52Oh

01:14:56Oh

01:14:58Chicken tonight

01:14:59It's bloody bread

01:15:00He was meant to be home hours ago

01:15:03Well, I didn't think I'd go this far

01:15:05It's like I've been possessed or something

01:15:07What about Kim?

01:15:11Don't worry about Kim

01:15:13So you're really separated?

01:15:20Yeah

01:15:21This is doing my glutes no end a good girl

01:15:34So

01:15:35What book is your next tour going to be based on, John?

01:15:37Oh, it's the new biggie

01:15:38The CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet

01:15:41It's got everything

01:15:42It's got gluttony

01:15:43Denial

01:15:44Murder

01:15:45Absolutely no carbs

01:15:47Put me down as your first guest

01:15:49Hey, come on you boys

01:15:50Go and freshen up

01:15:51Kel, show John where the guest hood is

01:15:53And has anybody seen Sharon?

01:15:55Oh

01:15:56It's exciting isn't it?

01:15:57Okay

01:15:58Merry Christmas everybody

01:15:59Let's pull our bonbons

01:16:00Here Kimmy

01:16:01Oh

01:16:02Oh

01:16:03Oh

01:16:04Oh

01:16:05Oh

01:16:06Oh

01:16:07Oh

01:16:08Oh

01:16:09Oh

01:16:10Oh

01:16:11Oh

01:16:12Sorry

01:16:13Hello everyone

01:16:14Merry Christmas

01:16:15Merry Christmas

01:16:16Come here

01:16:17Thank God you're here Brett

01:16:18Have a breadstick

01:16:19Thanks Kat

01:16:20Here you go

01:16:21Where have you been?

01:16:22Oh really busy work here

01:16:23Flat out

01:16:24Oh John, this is my husband Brett

01:16:26G'day John

01:16:27Here's some extender

01:16:28We've got oodles of that

01:16:29Oh nice

01:16:30So John

01:16:31What do you think of Australia?

01:16:33Oh yes, tell us

01:16:34Be honest, be honest

01:16:35It's the best place in the world isn't it?

01:16:37Well to be perfectly frank with you

01:16:39I was a little bit disappointed in Edith Vale

01:16:42And Aspendale

01:16:43And to some extent more dialogue

01:16:44But once I got past Parkdale

01:16:46And into the Golden Mile

01:16:47Oh

01:16:48Oh I was blown away

01:16:49Oh yeah

01:16:50I mean with Ikea on one side

01:16:52And Ray's tent city

01:16:54And barbecues galore on the other

01:16:55It doesn't get much better than that

01:16:57Does it?

01:16:58It doesn't

01:16:59It doesn't indeed

01:17:00This chicken

01:17:01It's rubbery

01:17:02Oh

01:17:03Thank you John Sam

01:17:05Thank you very much

01:17:07No

01:17:08No I mean it really is rubbery

01:17:10Oh no

01:17:11They're not chicken breasts

01:17:13They're mine

01:17:14They're like chicken fillets falsies

01:17:16That's where they got to

01:17:17Oh

01:17:18Oh no

01:17:19Oh John

01:17:20I'm so

01:17:21Oh Sharon

01:17:22Sharon

01:17:23Sharon

01:17:24Is everything alright?

01:17:26No not really

01:17:27Where's Marriott?

01:17:28Marriott is nowhere

01:17:30What?

01:17:31He is nowhere and nothing

01:17:33Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam

01:17:36Yeah

01:17:37After he didn't turn up at the airport I went to an internet cafe

01:17:40When I discovered that Marriott

01:17:42My beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriott

01:17:46Is nothing more than a blog

01:17:49An internet address

01:17:51Marriott.com

01:17:53The site that's been offering to marry women all around the world

01:17:56Oh Sharon

01:17:57And you were getting so much pleasure just from the touch of a mouse

01:18:01Yeah and all my money's gone

01:18:03Oh

01:18:04But you know

01:18:05The weird thing is Mrs. D

01:18:08I still love him

01:18:10Oh Sharon

01:18:12Kim

01:18:13Say something

01:18:15I knew you wouldn't get married

01:18:16I knew it

01:18:17It's good news Sharon though

01:18:18Brett and me are back together

01:18:20Oh

01:18:25Poor Sharon

01:18:26Come on everyone

01:18:27Let's have a dance

01:18:44What?

01:18:45I didn't do anything

01:18:46It's why you throw this yet

01:18:50Who's taking you home

01:18:52Ellie

01:18:53Who thought you're gonna be

01:18:55You alright with that Kel?

01:18:57Oh yeah

01:18:58I've got a vac packed my green eyed monster in

01:19:00Put it away forever

01:19:01Good

01:19:04Would you like to see my marimba's job?

01:19:07What?

01:19:08Telling that you can give my cat

01:19:09Is the thing

01:19:10To say

01:19:11On a bride

01:19:13On a royal Christmas day

01:19:15I'll send my way

01:19:17To you

01:19:20Mother

01:19:21Hello

01:19:22Come ready, sit on

01:19:24Hello mum

01:19:25He's an Australian icon isn't he?

01:19:26Yep

01:19:27And she's an icon

01:19:28Mmhm

01:19:29He's an Australian icon isn't he?

01:19:30Yeah

01:19:31And she's an icon

01:19:32Mmhm

01:19:33He's an icon

01:19:34He's an icon

01:19:35He's an icon

01:19:36He's not an icon

01:19:37He's just a con

01:19:38Oh

01:19:39The Wiggles

01:19:40They're icons

01:19:41Yeah

01:19:42Oh

01:19:43Kim did I tell you

01:19:44When they sang Hot Potato at Carols

01:19:45I went off

01:19:46Literally

01:19:47Ew

01:19:48I'm more a hooloo dooly girl myself

01:19:49Sharon likes the Wiggles

01:19:50Kim did I tell you

01:19:51Sharon and Mary are back on together

01:19:52Well how does that work?

01:19:53Oh

01:19:54You know relationships Kim

01:19:55I mean

01:19:56You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors do you?

01:19:58I mean she's obviously pushing his buttons and he's pushing hers right back

01:20:01I think it's beautiful and it works for them doesn't it?

01:20:03Oh

01:20:12There we go

01:20:14There we go

01:20:16Oh

01:20:17I've just got another naughty text from Brett

01:20:18Listen to this

01:20:19Meet me down the back in Playstations in five minutes

01:20:22I mean how does he expect me to get to Fountain Gate in five minutes?

01:20:25Oh jeez keen Kim

01:20:26He is

01:20:27You go girl

01:20:28Yeah

01:20:29In a minute

01:20:30Gee, Mum, you look huge in that shirt. You look like Jordan.

01:20:35Oh, I wish. No, they're my chicken fillet falsies, Kim.

01:20:38I just rinsed off the chicken tonight and popped them back in.

01:20:41Well, one looks bigger than the other.

01:20:43Oh, yeah, that's because John Monk ate the left one.

01:20:45But it's OK, because I'm naturally much bigger on that side anyway,

01:20:47so I think it balances out.

01:20:49Isn't it amazing, Kim, that my franchisee dream finally came true?

01:20:52Can you believe John Monk sold us his business?

01:20:55How'd you pay for that?

01:20:57In kind.

01:20:58Oh, that sounds nice.

01:20:59Yeah, it was nice.

01:21:01You know, Mum, evidently the Da Vinci Code

01:21:03has been proven to be completely untrue.

01:21:05Yes, Kim, I know that. I'm not stupid.

01:21:08But the second one, you know, Da Vinci Code 2, G'day, Leonardo,

01:21:11they show that that is absolutely historically correct.

01:21:14Yeah, and what a boon for us.

01:21:16It's set right here in ye olde Melbourne.

01:21:17I can't believe it.

01:21:19Oh, it's nice. It's nice. It's different. It is nice. It's different. It is nice.

01:21:31Without it.

01:21:32Do you know what I'm saying.

01:21:33Yeah.

01:21:35See you soon.

01:21:36OK.

01:21:37All right.

01:21:38No.

01:21:39Go.

01:21:40Go.

01:21:41Now, there's Field.

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