- 6/14/2025
#ShowMovies
#notgoingout
#notgoingout
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FunTranscript
00:00We're not going out, not staying in, just hanging around with my head in a spin, but there is no need to scream and shout.
00:12We're not going out, we are not going out.
00:23Hi.
00:25I believe you can provide a complimentary toilet bag with toothbrush and toothpaste.
00:30No, I haven't forgotten mine.
00:32Well, because there might be something else in there that I want.
00:35I don't know, like that little cotton bud thing that an elf could use on gladiators as a weapon.
00:40Look, it says complimentary, so can you just provide it, please, with your compliments?
00:46Oh, and I've got a question about the free wine that comes with the room.
00:50Yeah, it's about the year.
00:52What year are you thinking of delivering it?
01:00So what's the hotel like?
01:07I'm on the bed now, in my free dressing gown, my free slippers, eating my free peanuts.
01:12Have you just had a shower?
01:14No.
01:14Well, a shower's not free.
01:17So why is that on your head?
01:18Oh, I forgot about that.
01:20I just put it on to remind me to bring it home.
01:23How would you want that?
01:24Because it's free.
01:25I still don't get why you're doing all of this.
01:28I've already told you, we had loads of loyalty points about to expire.
01:31By combining our Nectar card, Club card, Groupon, Woucher, Marks and Sparks card, my Waitrose, my Morrison and Asda Club card, I was able to book the VIP package completely free of charge.
01:42Hello, Lucy, have you frozen?
01:47I'm sorry, sir, this is the paramedic. I'm afraid your wife died of boredom during that last monologue.
01:54You might not be impressed, but the hotel staff were. They know a serious traveller when they see one.
01:59It's not round the world in 80 days, Lee. You're only five minutes away from the house.
02:03It's still overnight in a nice hotel with breakfast included and it has not cost me a penny.
02:11What do you think?
02:13It's not exactly the Ritz, is it?
02:15Oh, I don't know. It's got hints of the Savoy. By which I mean it slightly smells of cabbage.
02:22Hey, it's not too late to join me, you know. Room 14, my lucky number.
02:27Is it?
02:27Well, it will be if you join me.
02:29Why would I want a random night in a mid-range hotel?
02:32Mid-range? I don't think a mid-range hotel would have the words Premier and Lodge in their title.
02:39What's that door behind you?
02:41Oh, I don't know, actually.
02:43Well, open it. Might lead back to the 21st century.
02:52Oh. Just leads into the room next door.
02:55That should be locked.
02:57Luckily, it's empty. Otherwise, someone could have walked in and seen me just wearing my shower cap.
03:02That's a point. I could get another shower cap.
03:05Oh. Got to go. Batteries low. And I forgot to bring my charger.
03:10Oh. You mean you want to go so you can watch TV and shove free peanuts in your mouth?
03:15No. Because I want to spend the night with another woman.
03:18I know that's definitely not true.
03:20Why?
03:21Because you just said you weren't paying for anything.
03:27One bottle of wine and one overnight bag.
03:29Who the hell's that?
03:31The company sent the wrong escort. I asked for naughty nurse. They've sent cheeky chambermaid.
03:36What?
03:36Relax. It's just room service, but thanks for the trust.
03:40Anyway, I'll speak to you tomorrow, if I'm not a wrung-out husk of sexual exhaustion.
03:44I'm not a chambermaid, sir. I am a member of guest liaison services.
03:51Well, could you liaise with someone to sort out that connecting door, because it's not locked?
03:55Oh. Apologies, sir. I must have missed it on my morning inspection. I'll get that seen, too.
04:01Well, actually, um...
04:02Janet, it has caused me quite considerable inconvenience.
04:08How?
04:09Well, it's hard to actually put into words, but I'm sure a complimentary bag of cheese and onion crisps will help quell the distress.
04:15Yeah. You're the gentleman with all those different loyalty points, aren't you, sir?
04:19Oh. Words got round about me, has it?
04:22Oh, yes.
04:25Toothpaste and a mini shaving kit, is that all?
04:28I could throw in a few tampons.
04:31Are they complimentary?
04:33Just for clarity, sir, you have now claimed every single complimentary goods or services that the hotel provides.
04:40If you require anything else, the mini bar is fully stocked.
04:44I'm fine, thanks. I'm not remortgaging my house for a fun-sized Mars bar or a mini can of Tizer.
04:49I'm quite happy with the free coffee and the free peanuts.
04:52Free peanuts?
04:54Yeah. In the basket, in the wardrobe.
04:55Oh, sir, the snack basket's actually part of the mini bar. There is a price list clearly displayed.
05:02Where?
05:03Where?
05:03Where?
05:03Oh, silly.
05:07Yeah.
05:10I don't know.
05:10I don't know.
05:11Oh, silly me. It was stirring me in the face all along.
05:36Six quid for a packet of peanuts?
05:38It'll be put on your credit card, sir.
05:40Er, no, it won't, because I haven't actually eaten them.
05:44Well, that's interesting, because there seems to be quite a few peanuts on your bed, sir.
05:50Yeah, well, I brought them from home.
05:53If the minibar peanuts are eaten, then the cleaners will make a note
05:57and it'll appear on your credit card that you swiped for services
06:00not covered by your very impressive wad of vouchers.
06:06Fine by me, because I haven't eaten them and I don't intend to.
06:09Right.
06:11Is that everything?
06:12Yep.
06:16Oh, just so you know, I usually like to tip 20%.
06:19Oh, very generous.
06:21And seeing as this was free, that comes out to nothing.
06:26I mean, stealing a bag of peanuts, it's not a major crime, is it?
06:44Well, unless they're assaulted peanuts.
06:48Even without an audience, I'm hilarious.
06:50Oh, better view from this room.
07:19And it comes with a free bottle of perfume.
07:23Oh, and a, er, brush.
07:26What the hell?
07:52Where are the peanuts?
07:53Oh, it's...
07:54Oh, it's...
07:55Oh.
07:58PHONE RINGS
07:58PHONE RINGS
07:59Hello?
08:03Hi, Ava.
08:05It's me, Harvey.
08:06Your number didn't come up.
08:08I'm phoning from work.
08:09You, er, at the hotel?
08:11Yeah, you booked us quite a seedy one.
08:14Well, if you don't like seedy, you met me on the wrong app.
08:21Don't worry, I'm not here to look at the decor.
08:23Well, maybe the ceiling.
08:26I'm just finishing work.
08:27It's only round the corner, so I'll be about ten minutes.
08:30Meet me in the bar.
08:32You'll recognise me from my profile picture.
08:34Except I'll have clothes on.
08:35Not for long, I hope.
08:38Bye.
08:39Oh, my God.
09:09Who is it?
09:12The member of guest liaison services.
09:18Sorry to disturb you.
09:20I just wanted to apologise about your interconnecting door not being locked, which it now is.
09:25Oh, but that's fine. I didn't even notice.
09:27But while you're here, I did notice an issue with the minibar.
09:30The peanuts are missing.
09:32That's odd. I filled those snack baskets myself this morning.
09:36Do you mind if I quickly check?
09:37Mm-hmm.
09:39It's over here.
09:45It's weird. I'm sure there were peanuts in there this morning.
09:51Well, I haven't eaten them, if that's what you mean.
09:54Oh, no. Of course not, madam.
09:56Oh, have the peanuts replaced.
09:58Oh, before you go, can I get some ice for the champagne?
10:02Yes, there's an ice machine in the corridor. I'll show you.
10:18I actually like it just to go and get some ice.
10:20No-one's going to break in.
10:21And you can't count me. I'm trying to break out.
10:31Right.
10:32It's a new one floor up.
10:34Even if I fell.
10:35Sprained ankle at most.
10:37Well, maybe broken, but...
10:39At least the police wouldn't be able to fit the ankle tag over the cusp.
10:42One minute!
11:07Come in!
11:16Hello.
11:18I could have sworn I booked a room with a balcony.
11:20Can I help you, sir?
11:22Yes, please.
11:36Couldn't I help notice you were hanging outside the window, sir?
11:40Yes.
11:41And, er...
11:42There's a very good reason for that.
11:44I was just trying to clean the dirty mark off that glass.
11:51I'm trying to advise our guests to climb outside the windows, sir.
11:56Oh, I didn't see a sign.
11:58Is it in the drawer with the minibar prices?
12:02So, how can I help you?
12:03I just wanted to let you know that I've now locked the interconnecting door.
12:07A few minutes ago, I did knock, but, er...
12:10You weren't here.
12:11Hey, you were, er, somewhere else.
12:15In the bathroom.
12:17Is that right?
12:18Yep.
12:20Just so you know...
12:22I can see you're nuts.
12:30Well, I was hanging on for dear life.
12:32These nuts.
12:37They are your nuts, aren't they, sir?
12:40I mean, who else's could they possibly be?
12:44Exactly.
12:45I'm a bit confused, actually, because I thought you said you weren't going to eat your minibar nuts.
12:51I'm not.
12:51So, why did I just get these out of your pocket?
12:56I was just looking at the ingredients.
12:58I'd like something to read on the loo.
13:02Ingredients.
13:03Peanuts.
13:05Not really a page-turner, is it?
13:09Anything else?
13:10Excuse me.
13:11Here.
13:13I see you.
13:13Hey.
13:17Wow.
13:18Wow.
13:32Wow.
13:32I see you.
13:36Who the hells is this phone?
13:57Oh, it's me again.
13:59I just wanted to apologise for earlier.
14:01I feel bad that you're there all by yourself.
14:04I'm sorry, who are you?
14:06Who am I?
14:10Who the hell are you?
14:12My name's Ava.
14:14And what exactly are you doing answering my husband's bloody phone?
14:19Put him on.
14:20Look, I don't exactly know what's going...
14:22Right this second.
14:23I'm warning you.
14:24Where the hell is my husband?
14:25Look, if you just shut up for a moment and let me explain...
14:28Don't you bloody dare tell me to shut up!
14:31OK, I tell you what.
14:32How about you take a deep breath and call me back in a moment once you've calmed down?
14:36Where the hell is my phone?
14:39I don't know.
14:40Oh.
14:40Oh.
14:41Oh.
14:42Oh.
14:42Oh.
14:43Oh.
14:44Oh.
14:45Oh.
14:46Oh.
14:47Oh.
14:48Oh.
14:49Oh.
14:50Oh.
14:51Oh.
14:52Oh.
14:53Oh.
14:54Oh.
14:55Oh.
14:56Oh.
14:57Oh.
14:58Oh.
14:59Oh.
15:00Oh.
15:01Oh.
15:02Oh.
15:03Oh.
15:04Oh.
15:05PHONE RINGS
15:22Hello.
15:23Hi.
15:25Erm, this is going to sound a bit weird.
15:28Erm, but I'm in a room next door.
15:31Ah, it's not that weird. It's a hotel, it happens.
15:35And the thing is, I've lost my phone.
15:39And when I called it, it seemed to be ringing from in here.
15:44I didn't hear anything.
15:46I was actually watching a TV show.
15:48About ringtones, actually.
15:50So, you've not got my phone?
15:53Nope.
15:54Just this, er, empty packet of peanuts.
15:57Although they don't cost peanuts, they should be called Expensives.
16:01Hmm, see, it's, er, very strange.
16:05One minute I'm using my phone and the next it's gone.
16:08Almost as if someone had been in my room.
16:12Well, the only person that keeps coming in and out of these rooms is that woman, isn't it?
16:16Janet.
16:18You, you think she took it?
16:20Saying she might have taken it.
16:22I mean, you hear about these things all the time, don't you?
16:24Do you?
16:25Well, I've just said it twice.
16:27They have whole TV shows about it.
16:30When chambermaids turn bad.
16:32Is that on After World's Greatest Ringtones?
16:35It's very weird because I, I also found a phone in my room.
16:41Oh, it's not mine.
16:42I never said it was yours.
16:44The one I found belongs to some guy whose wife's looking for him.
16:48I'm not even married.
16:50Yeah, my name's not even Lee.
16:55Lee?
16:56I never said anyone's name was Lee.
16:58Yeah, well, I'm, I'm not.
17:00No, er, my name's...
17:03Lou.
17:06Lou?
17:07Yep.
17:08Lou.
17:10I was just coming to your room, madam.
17:12And why's that?
17:14I was bringing you some peanuts to replace the ones that mysteriously went missing.
17:19Shall I pop them in your room?
17:21No, thank you.
17:22I've locked my room now.
17:24Don't want anyone just walking in.
17:26I'm meeting someone downstairs now.
17:28But when I get back, I'll be having a good search.
17:31See if I can get to the bottom of all this.
17:39She's not going to find them, is she?
17:42What?
17:43The missing peanuts that mysteriously vanished.
17:51These are your uneaten peanuts from your minibar.
17:57Is that correct?
17:59Of course.
18:00It's confusing.
18:01Why?
18:03Because...
18:05Whose...
18:06are these?
18:09Well, they must belong to the previous guest.
18:12The bins obviously haven't been emptied.
18:14You know, it's this kind of shoddiness that can affect your TripAdvisor ratings.
18:18No, I double-check that all of the bins are emptied by the cleaners and I never forget.
18:24I am like an elephant.
18:27Obsessed with peanuts.
18:30Obviously, you did forget.
18:33Because they aren't mine.
18:35Because I'm swinging my nuts in your face.
18:39Right now!
18:41Anything else?
18:44Ah, excuse me, sir.
18:45What?
18:46Oh, God!
19:02Oh, God.
19:31See?
19:33Told you that phone wasn't in my room.
19:35Yeah. These people.
19:41I'm telling you, I definitely saw a guy climbing around outside on the ledges.
19:46Outside this room?
19:47Well, I'm not sure exactly, but it was on this floor.
19:50It almost fell off at one point. It was hanging on by his fingers.
19:53Did you see his face?
19:54No.
19:55But he had awful pasty legs, like two tubes of porridge.
19:58It's been such a weird evening, Harvey. Firstly, my phone disappears.
20:06What? You mean? It's fine.
20:08Well, I...
20:11I could have sworn that the ring was coming from the other room.
20:15I almost accused him as well.
20:16Who?
20:17The odd bloke in the room next door.
20:20Looks like a cross between Jimmy Nail and Roland Ratt.
20:22Where the hell has the other phone gone?
20:29Let's just, er, forget the phone, shall we?
20:32Something tells me we're not going to go back down to the Barber Cocktails.
20:36Well, if it's a Harvey Wallbanger you want, I'm sure I'm going to rank something.
20:47Lee! Are you in here?
20:55Peanuts on the bed.
20:57Definitely his room.
20:59Although I should check for we on the loose seat and make W sure.
21:01Can I help you, madam?
21:05Yes. I'm looking for my husband.
21:08Husband?
21:09Oh, no. The gentleman in this room is unmarried.
21:13Who told you that?
21:15Er, no, but I heard him tell the very attractive woman in the room next door that he wasn't married.
21:23He was really insistent on that point.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27"!
21:30I know he's really nervous.
21:32Oh
22:02You gotta be kidding me
22:09Who the hell is that
22:14Oh just ignore it someone's probably got the wrong room
22:16Oh yeah well that would be in keeping with this weird day
22:18People knocking on the wrong door
22:20Women ringing the wrong mobiles and wives wrongly
22:22Telling me to lay off their husbands
22:24What woman
22:26I found a phone in this room and the woman calling it
22:29Clearly thought I was in here with someone who shouldn't mean
22:31Oh my god
22:33She's found me
22:36Who has
22:37Are you telling me that you've got a wife
22:42Well the same wife
22:43Soon to be widow once she gets hold of me
22:45Oh my god I don't believe this
22:47You know I lost my phone yesterday
22:49And now I know where
22:50You lost it in this room
22:52Well it's not exactly the first time
22:57I've used this hotel room
22:58I'm a bit of a regular
23:00Is this your shag pad?
23:04I've got naughty points
23:05One more night and I get a free gift from the minibar
23:10And I'm going for the peanuts
23:12Have you seen the price?
23:17It's a woman and she does not look happy
23:19She must have used the find the phone app thing
23:21Get rid of her
23:22I lied
23:23She's bound to look in there
23:26Only a moron hides in a wardrobe
23:28It's only one floor up
23:32Even if I fail to sprain an ankle at worst
23:34Oh close it
23:44I'm in the curtain
23:51I'm in the curtain
23:51Hello
24:05Where is he?
24:08Who?
24:09You know damn well who
24:10My husband
24:11I have no idea what you're talking about
24:13I'm here on my own
24:14Oh yeah
24:15Always drink champagne from two glasses
24:18Do you?
24:19You obviously don't know him very well
24:20Otherwise it would be one glass of champagne
24:23And one can of iron brew
24:24He likes to burp the alphabet as a party trick
24:28So where the hell is he?
24:33OK
24:34Well then
24:35If you can't find your husband
24:37How about we take a good look for him together then shall we?
24:41Is he behind the curtain?
24:44Apparently not
24:45Shall we look under the bed?
24:48Oh no monsters
24:49No cheating hubby
24:50Maybe the scarlet pimpernel is in the bathroom
24:54Oh no not there
24:58Unless he flushed himself down the toilet
25:00Oh dear
25:02He doesn't appear to be anywhere does he?
25:05Oh
25:06But there is one more place isn't there
25:08We haven't checked the obvious
25:13The hiding place of all good 1970s farces
25:16The old classic
25:17Is your Randy Rogue of a husband in the wardrobe?
25:21Let's take a look
25:32Hello
25:38I'm alright in saying this lift isn't working
25:43If I could just have a moment
25:47To explain
25:48So I have never seen this woman before in my life
25:55But the connecting door between our rooms wasn't locked
25:58So I came through thinking no one was in here
26:00But it turns out you were in here
26:02So I tried to get out
26:03But you had locked the door
26:04So I went out through the window instead
26:06But I accidentally took your phone and left mine here
26:09So when you went out
26:10I tried to get back in to swap the phones round
26:12By sneaking back through the window
26:13Like the milk tray advert man
26:15Which you probably don't remember
26:16Because you're far too young
26:17And you're too young as well to remember darling
26:19You look great by the way
26:20Have you done something with your hair?
26:21And then you came back with Mr Loverman
26:23So I hid in the wardrobe
26:25And I only did any of this in the first place
26:27Just so I could steal your peanuts
26:29I knew it
26:33So if this is all true
26:42Where's this lover man?
26:46That is not my wife
26:48See?
26:51I think someone owes me an apology
26:53Maybe something for later
26:59I never cheat on you Lucy
27:03You know that
27:04So he's not a weirdo?
27:08Oh I wouldn't go that far
27:09Shall I charge £6 to your credit card, sir?
27:16Make it £12
27:17We're not going out
27:24We're not staying in
27:26Just hanging around
27:27With my head in a spin
27:29But there is no need to scream and shout
27:31We're not going out
27:35We are not going out
27:38We're not going out
27:39We're not going out
27:40We're not going out
27:41We're not going out
27:42We're not going out
27:43We're not going out
27:44We're not going out
27:45We're not going out
27:46We're not going out
27:47We're not going out
27:48We're not going out
27:49We're not going out
27:50We're not going out
27:51We're not going out
27:52We're not going out
27:53We're not going out
27:54We're not going out
27:55We're not going out
27:56We're not going out
27:57We're not going out
27:58We're not going out
27:59We're not going out
28:00We're not going out
28:01We're not going out
28:02We're not going out
28:03We're not going out
28:04We're not going out
28:05We're not going out
28:06We're not going out
28:07We're not going out
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