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00:00What have we got behind us here, Luke?
00:01What have we got?
00:02What haven't we got, probably?
00:04So, what are these for...?
00:05Premier League nightly wins.
00:07Is that from this year?
00:09Probably this year or last year.
00:10Yeah. How many did you get? Five this year?
00:12Four, yeah. Five.
00:14And you get a nice bonus as well, don't you, for winning the night?
00:16We can all do the maths, Luke, what's that?
00:18Whoa, five times, whoa, you're doing all right.
00:21Nice, some nice family photos.
00:23But you can do all this.
00:25You can't pass your driving theory.
00:30Ah! What?
00:32I'm so happy for you.
00:33Whoo!
00:34I feel bad even saying it, but you're half look at it.
00:36Oh, no!
00:39I don't want to go to space.
00:40She's a United fan.
00:42Oh, I've gone right off. There you go.
00:43Oh!
00:44Stop it.
00:45Not a great time to have pizza, is it?
00:47Oh, yeah.
00:49This is what we've tuned in for.
00:50Oh, no.
00:51Oh, tricky air, oh.
00:54Chill, chill, relax and chill.
00:55Fish bug, please!
00:57Wee-hee!
00:58It's literally the greatest moment of my life!
01:00In the week we bid a fun farewell to Beach Boys legend Brian Wilson, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:08There was more happenings at the hospital on BBC One.
01:12All I'm saying is what is the point of having a wedding if you can't cop off one of the groomsmen?
01:17What?
01:20Have an OK, reader?
01:21Yeah.
01:22What do you think is in that bag?
01:24Croissant?
01:25I reckon it's an almond croissant.
01:27A what?
01:28Almond croissant.
01:29But why did you go for almond?
01:31When you order an almond croissant, what do you say?
01:33Almond.
01:34What?
01:35Like all normal people.
01:37What do you mean, all normal people?
01:39Almond.
01:41Almond.
01:42Almond.
01:43No, shut up.
01:44It's an almond.
01:45No.
01:46What?
01:47I'm rubbing off on you.
01:50You're making me northern.
01:52And you're from the Midlands.
01:53Clarkson's Countryside Capers continued on Prime Video.
01:58We had now reached the middle of July.
02:01And under a canopy of blue skies, the crops appeared to be coming along nicely.
02:08I grew up on a farm.
02:09Is it what animals did you have?
02:11We had cows, sheep.
02:13We had otters.
02:16That classic farmyard animal.
02:19I love that bit of old MacDonald had a farm.
02:23And pets were in safe hands with the Yorkshire vet on Channel 5.
02:28Good lass.
02:29It's all right.
02:30You don't eat too with me.
02:33We'll look after you.
02:35My mother once had a golden retriever that used to eat dishcloths.
02:38They used to get all the way through.
02:41Oh my gosh.
02:43And out the other end.
02:44Completely undigested.
02:45And not always come out.
02:46So she would have to stand on one end of the dishcloth and throw a ball.
02:50And the rest of the dishcloth.
03:02In Essex.
03:03They're lovely crisps then.
03:05I like them.
03:06Kettle chips.
03:07They were the kettle ones.
03:09They're nice.
03:10They cook them in a kettle.
03:11Rylan and his mum Linda.
03:13So you know like your kettle.
03:14Yeah.
03:15For example.
03:16You could slice up potato.
03:17Right.
03:18They're saying the wind up.
03:19I'm telling you now mum.
03:20That's why they're called kettle chips.
03:21I'm going to try then.
03:22You slice up potato.
03:23Put it in.
03:24Yeah.
03:25You're winding me up.
03:26Aren't you?
03:28Oh is that your bear's arms?
03:30Sorry.
03:31No.
03:32Do you know what?
03:33Only when you said I'm going to try it.
03:35I thought you'd better not.
03:36You'd burn the ass though.
03:38On Saturday night.
03:39It was time to find out how clever some famous faces were on ITV.
03:44I'm actually getting a little bit hot now.
03:46Thinking about the fact we're going to have to try and answer this question.
03:48And I think you're going to get it.
03:50And I'm not.
03:51Because the 1% Club is not my comfort zone.
03:53How would you say your general knowledge is?
03:56Not good.
03:57No.
03:58I'll be honest.
03:59That was the answer I expected.
04:00Yeah.
04:01And you got the right answer.
04:02You just have no general knowledge.
04:03Because you don't watch the news.
04:04I do watch the news.
04:05Do you?
04:06Yeah.
04:07I always swipe to the little side light thing on my phone.
04:10I don't mean the news on your phone.
04:11I mean on the TV.
04:12Yeah I watch you.
04:13Do you?
04:14When mum puts it on.
04:15Tonight our contestants are all professional footballers and celebrities who support Soccerade.
04:20Why haven't they asked me to play in Soccerade?
04:22Oh I hate it when they do celebrity versions of stuff.
04:27It's never as good as just the normal ones.
04:29The 1% Club Soccerade Special.
04:35I normally do quite alright on this.
04:37You're good at any quiz.
04:38You are.
04:39It's time for our first question.
04:42Right get ready.
04:43Lock in.
04:44Lock in.
04:4590% this is always easy.
04:46This is like what day is it?
04:48Which of the following three pieces doesn't correctly match the image?
04:53Oh I like Jill Scott.
04:54I do.
04:58Easily.
04:59Earring B.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Earring B.
05:02Wait the eye?
05:03No it's not the eye.
05:04No the earring.
05:05What doesn't match?
05:06Doesn't match.
05:07No I think there's an extra wrinkle there and there shouldn't be.
05:10But then it, no because of a mouth.
05:12Oh my god.
05:13I think her eye is okay.
05:14The mouth isn't.
05:15I think it's the eyebrow.
05:16No it's B.
05:17It's A.
05:18It's B.
05:22Nobody should get this wrong.
05:23We can't be out for this one.
05:25See that's the thing as well.
05:26They always make it easy for celebrities because you're all thick.
05:30I've even forgot what we did.
05:32Yeah.
05:33We was naming what we did.
05:34B.
05:35Did we do?
05:36Yeah yeah.
05:37One out?
05:38Right we lost one of you.
05:43He's a referee.
05:44Is he?
05:45Yeah.
05:46You don't know what you're doing.
05:50He's the ref that's always on Sky.
05:52Stands by the wrong decisions.
05:53So I'm glad he's out.
05:54It's B.
05:55Because the earring is different on Jill's ear.
05:57Oh we got it right B.
05:59Yes indeed.
06:0090% of the country got that right.
06:02And you and the ref got it wrong.
06:05Let's move on to the 35% question.
06:07Oh 35 man.
06:08Oh no.
06:09Get on your game.
06:10This is going to be hard.
06:11Oh trickier.
06:12Oh.
06:13Which Premier League football team is this rhyming code for?
06:16Nest Jam.
06:18Nest Jam.
06:19It's not West Ham is it?
06:21Ah.
06:22He's on it.
06:23He's on it.
06:24It's West Ham.
06:25West Ham.
06:26Why is it West Ham?
06:27Nest Jam.
06:29Bird's Nest Jam Jam.
06:31Yeah.
06:32Bird's Nest Jam Jam.
06:34Come on.
06:35Tottenham.
06:36Nest Pot.
06:37Tottenham.
06:38It's a rhyming.
06:39Yes bro.
06:40Tottenham Jam.
06:43Premier League football.
06:44West Ham.
06:45Nest.
06:46West Ham.
06:47Liverpool.
06:48I don't know all the teams.
06:49Nest.
06:50Brentford.
06:51Nest Jam.
06:52Nest Jam.
06:53Don't say Nest Jam.
06:54You said Nest Jam 17 times now.
06:55It's not helping.
06:56West Ham.
06:57West Ham.
06:58What?
06:59Nest.
07:00No idea.
07:02Nest Jam.
07:03Nest Jam.
07:04West Ham.
07:05West Ham.
07:06West Ham.
07:07West Ham rhymes with Nest Jam.
07:10I can't believe you actually got that right.
07:12That's fucking unbelievable.
07:14I'm not going to lie.
07:15That was very quick from me.
07:16I'm quite proud of that.
07:17Nest Jam.
07:18Yeah.
07:19If you say quick and fuck.
07:20Ooh.
07:21Ooh.
07:22Ooh.
07:23Nest Jam.
07:24I don't know their chant.
07:25Yeah.
07:26You've never been to a football game.
07:27Ooh.
07:28Ooh.
07:29West Ham.
07:30It's time for the 30% question.
07:31Come on Perry.
07:32Head in the game.
07:3330% question.
07:35What does that even mean?
07:36Which England footballer is spelt out in this code below?
07:39Oh no.
07:40Eh?
07:41How am I supposed to know hieroglyphics?
07:43I used to know them.
07:44I used to learn them.
07:45I used to have a hieroglyphics bookmark on papyrus.
07:51What?
07:52They've got to be Roman letters or something.
07:54What?
07:55Snake eye bird wave.
07:56Whale comb eye foot wings.
07:59What?
08:00Let me concentrate.
08:03Oh, er...
08:04It's got Frank Kirby, I think.
08:06I think one of us has to just gamble.
08:07You have to go somewhere and I'll go somewhere.
08:09Other buyers are both out.
08:11Hey, Mary Earps.
08:12I'm going to go Fran Kirby.
08:13It's Fran Kirby.
08:14Because the second letter of the first name and the third letter of the last name are the
08:22same in Fran and Kirby.
08:24Makes no sense.
08:25Absolutely not.
08:26I think I'm using a pass.
08:27Definitely use my pass.
08:28Let's see who got it right.
08:29Everyone's going to be out.
08:30This is going to separate the wheat from the chaff.
08:33I'll tell you that for now.
08:36Oh, and they're just ticking them off.
08:39Well, and me.
08:40No, because we used to pass.
08:41Fifteen out!
08:42That's a lot of people like...
08:43Yeah, I think there's a lot of people like me going, what?
08:45It's Fran Kirby.
08:46The only symbol that is repeated represents the second letter of the first name and the
08:50third letter of the second name.
08:51Mmm!
08:53Mmm!
08:54Ross, you need to go on there.
08:56Is that me?
08:57I'm most clever now.
08:58100,000...
08:59Oh, no.
09:00Absolutely not.
09:01You took a guess and I took a guess.
09:02Strategically, we played for each other there because we took a punt each.
09:05After whittling down the sports stars and celebrities here in the studio, we are left with the
09:091% question.
09:10This is it.
09:11Right.
09:12Deals, come on.
09:13The 1% question, because you've never watched this before.
09:15Good luck, first of all.
09:17It's basically impossible.
09:19Yeah.
09:20I can't point to words how hard this is going to be.
09:23In the opening verse to the original version of Three Lions, what two words feet
09:27exactly three times in the lyrics.
09:30Three Lions.
09:31Mum, please don't.
09:32Mum, please don't.
09:33They've seen it all before.
09:36They just know.
09:37They're so sure.
09:38Is it it?
09:42It.
09:43It.
09:44It.
09:45It.
09:46It.
09:47It.
09:48It.
09:49It.
09:50It.
09:51It.
09:52It and no.
09:53No.
09:54It and no.
09:55England is going to throw, blow it away, but no.
09:57Yeah.
09:58So no.
09:59Is it no?
10:00I don't know.
10:02Oh, this game's stressing me out.
10:04Three no's.
10:05It's no and it.
10:06No and it.
10:07Yeah, there's three no's.
10:08No and it.
10:09No and it.
10:10It and no.
10:11It and no.
10:12It and no.
10:13That's what I said.
10:14I said no, did I?
10:15Yeah, you said no.
10:17No and it!
10:19Yeah!
10:20Ha ha!
10:21It's literally the greatest moment of my life!
10:25Why didn't they ask you on then?
10:27Can't believe it.
10:28And they all thought I was dopey.
10:30Yeah.
10:31But why did we get it right?
10:32Because you're fucking intelligent.
10:34You're answering things right and you just do it automatically.
10:38Yeah.
10:39Yeah.
10:40Without thought.
10:41Since you start thinking.
10:42I do everything without thought.
10:43I mean there's nothing worse than fucking thinking is there?
10:45Yeah.
10:48In West London.
10:49You know I was supposed to be a doctor.
10:51Is that like your biggest flex?
10:52No it's not flex.
10:53I'm just saying.
10:54It's a proper job with proper money and proper prospects.
10:57And you would enjoy it.
10:58Krishnan and his daughter Jasmine.
11:01Your mum said your job isn't a proper job.
11:03Well my job isn't a proper job.
11:04She's right.
11:05But I mean.
11:06So you can't look down on me if I don't have a proper job because you don't have a proper
11:09job.
11:10But you literally don't have a proper job.
11:11Because I'm 19.
11:12At least I've got a job that isn't a proper job.
11:13Because I'm 19.
11:14No I know.
11:15But I don't know what you're going to do.
11:16I'll be fine.
11:17I know you'll be fine.
11:18On Tuesday night we were back in the Dales checking in on our furry friends on Channel 5.
11:24You've got the biggest fly on your face.
11:26Oh!
11:27Get it off!
11:28I've never seen the Yorkshire vet.
11:29Do you watch it?
11:30But I think the vet's is about animals isn't it?
11:33Yeah.
11:34Summer's getting put down today isn't it?
11:36I hope not but it is.
11:38In the heart of glorious North Yorkshire.
11:41Just outside the historic market town of Thersk.
11:44Sits Stony Brough Farm.
11:46Have you heard of All Creatures Great and Small?
11:47No.
11:48I mean this is like the real life All Creatures Great and Small.
11:50What's that?
11:51All my family's from Yorkshire bar me.
11:53Who's Lancastrian yeah.
11:54Mum and Dad are Yorkshire.
11:55Grandparents Yorkshire.
11:56The real life Battle of the Roses.
11:58Yeah.
11:59I bet they have random animals these days come in don't they?
12:04Right into vets yeah.
12:05Yeah not just dogs I bet they have hamsters.
12:09Yeah.
12:10Matt's latest exotic patient of the thirst practice.
12:16Oh what are they taking in?
12:17It's an Australian marsupial from Cannon Hall Farm.
12:20A what?
12:21Coalabur.
12:22A sugar glider called Pilot.
12:24What the hell is that?
12:25It looks like a mare cat mixed with a squirrel.
12:28How much do you reckon they'd be?
12:29Not much.
12:30Can we get one?
12:31No.
12:33Who needs castrating?
12:34He's getting his sugar lumps cut off.
12:37Why?
12:38That seems a bit harsh.
12:39And I'm going to be honest on an animal that small that's going to be tricky.
12:43Good luck.
12:44One of the biggest challenges is getting under anaesthetic to start with which is transferring
12:48from his little box to the little anaesthetic chamber that we've got and not losing him.
12:52Look at Pilot there.
12:53No.
12:54He's blissfully unaware.
12:55That little thing don't want to be castrated and live in Yorkshire.
12:59No.
13:00Who does?
13:01Certainly he'll be angry.
13:02He'll be flighty and we're going to need to be quick off the mark.
13:05Dan Brighton's going to be pissed.
13:06Why are you taking away his nuts?
13:07Sometimes you get them quite nice you know but it's very much Jekyll and Hyde and certainly
13:12when you see the teeth you don't want to be bitten by one.
13:14Ooh.
13:15What would be a funny thing?
13:16If someone tried to cut my bollocks off I'd bite them.
13:18How many of them are there in the world?
13:20Yeah.
13:21Has he got lots of experience?
13:22In York around Thirsk.
13:23Knowing he could encounter some turbulence with Pilot.
13:27Some turbulence with Pilot.
13:29Did you get that?
13:30Great banter.
13:31Matt's assembled a crew of nurses.
13:34Frankie, Robin and Amy.
13:36So confused.
13:37There's four of them to deal with the flying gerbil.
13:40Right little Pilot.
13:41Just see how angry they get.
13:42Here we go.
13:43Ooh.
13:44Ooh.
13:45Ripping out.
13:46Oh he's fuming.
13:47He's absolutely livid.
13:48You're always out.
13:49Yeah.
13:50Yeah.
13:51Yeah.
13:52The reason he's come in because he's just had four new ladies put in with him and he's
13:58pestering them.
13:59He's pestering all the ladies.
14:00Sorry Pilot.
14:01They've got to go mate.
14:02They've got to go.
14:03Well I think that's what they should do to all pests.
14:06Send them in to see the Yorkshire vet.
14:08I don't know.
14:09We'll hold them like that.
14:10Ooh look at the size of them.
14:12Oh wow.
14:13Massive nuts.
14:14Yeah.
14:15Man.
14:16For such a small thing.
14:19Definitely gets the award for the smallest scrotum area.
14:24Hang on love.
14:25I might be able to say that.
14:27If you are giving out a cup or something.
14:30A certificate.
14:31Can I throw my name into the hat?
14:35This is slightly different to normal castration.
14:38Is it?
14:39We're just going to use a searing, cautery device like a hot blade to cut straight across from
14:44the testicles and the scrotum.
14:46Ah!
14:47Ha ha ha ha.
14:48It'll provide the least amount of trauma.
14:50Mate.
14:51There he's bald.
14:52The least amount of trauma.
14:54I'd say it's quite a lot of trauma.
14:57No.
14:58Oh my god.
14:59Oh.
15:00Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
15:02Isn't it funny?
15:03That's his job.
15:04It's his job.
15:05To remove testicles off small beards.
15:07There we go.
15:10And just like that.
15:11And just like that.
15:12Look at these tiny little balls.
15:14What do they do with them now?
15:16Pilot is two passengers lighter.
15:18Oh very good line.
15:20He's pleased with that.
15:21Very good.
15:22Look at them laughing here.
15:24You bunch of seedists.
15:25Oh, I don't want to think about mine. I don't even have balls, but imagine you having your balls chopped off
15:35That'll be awkward, especially if I went to the Yorkshire bet. Yeah
15:39I bet you're so many pits. Yeah, you're getting a bit outnumbered now aren't you four dogs and a horse?
15:45You've got a horse
15:47Did you want that many? No, no, did you want the horse? No. Mmm. Did you want the kids?
15:55Oh
16:02In Essex they'll tell you what shocks me to this day. I can't get over it
16:06Joe, we should pack a dishwasher tablet. Oh, I don't know why they're pricing them there. It's you need a small mortgage
16:13For dishwasher tablets best mates Jordan and Perry. Oh, it's sorry
16:18If I take them home and I've got to rip the packet open. Yeah fuming fuming look it's like a little pot that pops
16:23Yeah, but even when you rip the packet open, I find it all the time
16:26It's like putting my hand and you put your hand in it a lot of them are burst
16:29Like all the time maybe I'm just too rough
16:31No, you're heavy-handed. I am quite heavy-handed. I love I'm nine and ever burst. I like doing that and then go
16:37Okay, I think you need to you need to grow up a bit bad. Really? Yeah, that's how you that's how you turn the dishwasher
16:43I think you need to live a little next time next time behind in that packet. I'm telling you do that
16:51Say yeah, but it's it's better without the eye contact
16:58On Friday ITV livened up our morning with more of this wakey-wakey mate fucking this morning's up
17:06Come in B. Let's see how they managed to fill a few hours of television
17:19Come on, bro. This is something called morning TV. Yeah, you know while you're asleep
17:24Yeah, other people are making television. Yeah, you could you've never watched this have you because you've literally never been awake
17:29Yeah, not just any old fish Friday today. No, it's officially officially get it national fish and chip day national fish and chip
17:41Do you like fish and chips? I do a little fish and chips. I like fish chips
17:45Lord something out and curry sauce to dip in
17:49So northern to celebrate we got the potato queen herself poppy oto
17:53Oh, I like poppy the potato. She cooked potatoes in lots of different ways. Yeah, well he's amazing. She's incredible
17:59I've seen this girl do things with potatoes that are inhumant. What's your favorite way to have a potato go?
18:03Dog from what?
18:06So we've got the mega fish and chip butty all of the components are quite flashy. Oh, look at that
18:15Man, that's not a fish bought to me. That's a banquet and I'm all for it 10 30 or not me. I'm in there
18:21So we're starting off with a vodka and tonic battered fish. Yes
18:26Vodka Vodka in the battle. She's muscle. I like her. Yeah, a vodka tonic batter. Yeah, just when it couldn't get any better
18:32You would love that vodka fish and chips. My world's a collided
18:36And then we've got orange chips from the Midlands wait
18:40Orange chips orange chips orange chips orange chips
18:45That's a black country. That's why poppy's from Berlin. Yes, girl
18:48What's your favorite fish to have as fish and chips you cod girl had a card. It's gotta be card. This is journalism. This is good
18:56I'm haddock. I am haddock. I love haddock. They all taste the same. They're in batter
19:00I'd have a remote control for owning a deep fat frayer. What's your favorite fish for a haddock? Is it? Yeah, what's yours?
19:06Haddock as well actually. Oh, that's
19:09Good chat. If you go to fish and chips, what's your normal order? What about a pickled egg? I don't mind a pickled egg
19:15I love a pickled egg. What are you? Oh, chips and a battered sausage
19:19Oh, you love your sausage. I do. And a bit of curry sauce to dip it in
19:28I've got another question. Really?
19:30If you what you drink with fish and chips. Dandelion and burdock
19:35Water you drink water because there's enough going on. Also, you know, I like to make the fish feel at home
19:40Yeah, I go lemonade or a cup of tea. Oh, a cup of tea. Nah, nah. Get Phil back. Get Phil back because he wouldn't drink tea
19:50No, he wouldn't. Get Phil back on
19:53I love a cup of tea with fish and chips. You know what's nice with the fish and chips? A Malbec
19:56A Malbec with fish and chips? Is that wine? Well, I think it is
20:01You don't fucking drink wine, Malbec wine with fish and chips
20:05Unless you're an alcoholic. Well, unless you're a twat
20:09Very nice. What do you drink at home? Just send that in to us so that we know. Let them know, Kelly
20:14Let them know. Who's messaging this morning to tell them what drink they have with a chippy tea?
20:19More people than you think
20:21Oh, hang on one second
20:23I'm just gonna message this morning
20:25I must let Alison and Dermot know
20:26I have a glass of water send
20:27Some of your lovely goujons with your vodka tonic
20:30How are we gonna get our mouth round me? Well, thank you. Well, I'm glad someone said it Alison
20:34That's too big for my mouth
20:36Yeah, you can't open your mouth very wide so that's not burning
20:38Can't do it
20:39Guys, I cannot eat that sandwich
20:41Look at the size of that
20:42That is a big sandwich. Go on
20:44Go on
20:45I would be like, you've got to go to break because things are about to get real freaky with this sandwich
20:49Honestly, you would not want to cut back to me
20:52You come back from break and I'll be on the sofa going
20:57In London
20:58Shall we compare helmets because you got a Vespa here, I got a bike
21:01Wow, yours is very pink and shiny
21:03Mates Munya and Jamie
21:05I'm aerodynamic
21:07Yeah, look at that
21:08Look at that
21:09You look like a professional
21:10Look at the point on that
21:11Yeah
21:12I'm a professional cyclist when I do this
21:14It's unbelievable
21:15Stay like that
21:16Stay like that
21:17Do you know how you can tell if it's good?
21:18Stay like that
21:19Don't move, don't move
21:20This is how you can tell
21:21Ready?
21:22Look at the arch
21:23The arch is crazy
21:24I can keep
21:25No, no, not the water
21:26Because now I can't move
21:27Okay, yeah, yeah, but now do the legs
21:29Do the legs
21:30No, because it's going to spill on me
21:30It's not
21:31You've just trapped me
21:32You've trapped me in some sort of weird twisted sore challenge
21:35Right, if I cycle real slowly
21:37Okay, go and pedal
21:38Look at that
21:39I'm pedalling
21:40I'm just going up a hill
21:41Pedal
21:42I am pedalling bro
21:43Pedal
21:44On Saturday night
21:48There was even more commotion of Tolby General on BBC One
21:52Bit of casualty for you, Claire
21:54Casualty?
21:55God, I've not watched this in years
21:56Is this still on?
21:57Yes
21:58If you're anybody in the world of British acting
22:01You've had a role in casualty
22:02For sure
22:03Who's had one?
22:04Keira Knightley's had one
22:05Kate Winslet
22:06Er...
22:12It's mad that people love this
22:13And it's been on every Saturday night
22:15Everyone's like
22:16Oh, let's settle down
22:17And watch trauma after trauma after trauma
22:20For an hour
22:23Yeah, I found her on the floor
22:24She said her chest hurt
22:25Chest hurts
22:27She needs to be careful
22:28She's having a heart attack, you see?
22:30Oh shit, is that a heart attack?
22:31Hi there
22:32I'm Jan
22:33I'm a paramedic
22:34Yeah, no shit
22:37When you hear someone's called Jan
22:38You trust that lady with your life
22:40Yeah, yeah, Jan
22:41Jan, Sue
22:42Trish
22:44You can trust
22:45I'm out for Ranlio
22:47Training
22:48For the whole behalf
22:50Half marathon?
22:51Bibes
22:52Put your feet up, don't worry about it
22:53Is it okay if my colleague takes your pulse?
22:56What's Frodo doing there?
22:57My son
22:58He's a personal trainer
23:00Says I'm unfit
23:01Well, it turns out
23:02He had a point, love
23:03Am I having a heart attack?
23:04Let's get you in the back of the ambulance and check you over
23:05That's not what you want to hear
23:06I'm not having a heart attack
23:07I'm not having a heart attack
23:08Let's get you in the back of the ambulance and check you over
23:09That's not what you want to hear
23:10I'm not having a heart attack
23:11Let's get you in the ambulance
23:12So yes
23:13Indy, she's getting worse
23:16Let's get you the ad looks. So yes. Yeah
23:26Come on indeed put your foot down blue lights. Oh
23:35What's wrong oh no something's wrong with the car. Oh
23:42Ain't stopping the brakes ain't work. Oh fuck off
23:46I can't stop. It's speed. Oh
23:54God that's not gonna help the heart. Oh
24:01Shit
24:08We're here
24:10We've arrived we didn't want to make a scene
24:20Oh God, who's that? Oh, she's squashed him
24:27He has not trapped that fella with the van my thing get it off me like it's a daddy longlegs or something a whole flipping ambulance
24:33This whole thing is basically loading it together if we move it too fast. Oh
24:38What did you say? This whole thing's holding him together if we move it. Oh my god
24:47I was a power cut. It's all fucking going off. I've got a feeling there's even more disaster pending
24:52I'm just gonna say that because this isn't quite enough yet
24:55Okay, man, he's going into shock. Hey, come on. We got to move this ambulance now. Hmm finally now
25:00They're gonna try and move it. They're gonna move the ambulance. I just feel like if they reverse you might fall apart. Oh for sure
25:08Oh, no, here we go
25:13Now made it worse
25:15Oh
25:17Oh, he's got something lodged into him. No, so make that metal bar sticking out these to me
25:27All the roof's caving in yeah, but that's fine
25:38It's not looking good doctor honestly, it's not looking good
25:41Stomach's distended
25:46Hemorrhaging want me with you. Who's this not bad in the suit like I think he must be like the surgeon
25:51I'm gonna guess I'm gonna go he looks like a surgeon the metal is seriously compromising his blood flow
25:55If you don't like now, he's not gonna make it. Come on. You can save him. Come on. Scalpel, please. Oh god. Here we go
26:01You you might need to turn away
26:04You go just see it all on casualty then now new strokes and
26:08And we're in yeah, oh you don't not a great time to have pizza is it?
26:17Oh
26:18Jesus I can't watch that. It's plastic. It's plastic. It's pretend. No other noise. It's the noise. It's squelching
26:25I know it. You don't have to tell me what the noise I could hear in it
26:28Oh
26:32Fucking hell pepperoni you flew out of him. Yuck. Sausages sausages sausages more sausages more sausages
26:41Look at that. He took it out
26:47Success has he done it? I think he's done it. Well done
26:50Well done. Well done. Brilliant. This all started because someone tried to do a run in the park. I'll tell you now running's bad
26:56Yeah, running is that is what we've learned won't run what we've taken from casualties everyone out there trying to do half marathons and stop
27:03In West London, uh, I've got some new bins. Yeah, go on quite ten
27:16Flamboyant, what do you mean they're flamboyant? I don't think they're flamboyant. It's all right quite dramatic little bit of sexy tortoiseshell
27:22No, before you start giving me grief. I've seen you've got some glasses down there bang them on good friends, Ben and cat
27:28BAM!
27:32Hold on. What?
27:34Come on. All right, Deirdre Barlow
27:36They're not. These aren't. No, these are 70s. Are you kidding?
27:41These are 70s not 80s Deirdre. Do you know who Deirdre Barlow is? You've got Deirdre Barlow's glasses on. No, I haven't
27:46These might be a bit bet lynched, but they're Deirdre Barlow. I'd rather be better than Deirdre
27:50We're gonna get on just fine
27:52We'll have a pint in the Ravers and watch on tele
27:55This week we're off on another jolt to the cockswolds on Prime Video
28:00So we're watching Clarkson's farm
28:02Oh, I love a farm. My dream is to have a farm one day
28:05Bro, I swear to you Sam, but you want llamas
28:08I want llamas?
28:10I just really want llamas
28:13I ain't got time for the other stuff
28:16Oh, I went to one quite recently, a farm
28:21Well, I say farm, it's like a petting zoo
28:23Okay, Clarkson's farm
28:25Clarkson! I'm not gonna do it
28:27Clarkson's farm
28:28Clarkson's farm
28:29Never do that again
28:30I won't do it again
28:31I've never actually been on an actual farm
28:33Nah
28:34But I did Duke of Edinburgh, bronze award
28:37And I had to walk through a field of bulls and cows
28:39The same, not to flex, but yeah, I've done it
28:43In the program, Jeremy was on the hunt for some new livestock
28:47So I decided to go to my first ever cattle auction
28:51And buy some cows
28:53He's gonna take the bull by the arms and buy some cows
28:56I couldn't go and pick a cow
28:58And then be like, right, mince it
29:00Yeah
29:01If I bought a cow, it'd be like living with me
29:03Yeah, in the bed
29:04It'd be here
29:05Hello
29:06Charlie
29:07Hi
29:08I'm just wondering, how many cows do you think I should buy?
29:11We need between six and seven
29:13Between six and seven? Like six and a half
29:16So I'll get eight cows, and these are store cows
29:20Because he's bought the pub
29:22And he wants to open it in about a month
29:24He's got to get cows that are really close and ready to slaughter
29:28You want to buy something that actually we can finish fairly quickly?
29:31Finish them really quickly? Kill them?
29:34I still wasn't totally sure what Charlie was on about
29:43But there was no need to panic
29:45Because Harriet had kindly agreed to come along and hold my hand
29:50I actually don't believe that Jeremy's not got a clue
29:54Yeah
29:55Really? Because he's a fucking know-it-all, innit?
29:58And we started by going through the breeds on sale
30:01There's like a catalogue of cows like it's the Bodhi Argos
30:04How much is it?
30:05Charolais and Angus
30:07Yeah
30:08That any good?
30:09Yeah
30:10These were run on Moorland at altitude
30:12Single suckled, that said
30:14Mm-hmm
30:15That means it only suckled on a single teat
30:17I would want a cow that's been through all the teats available
30:20Got the best fighting chance
30:22Could you buy an Angus cow?
30:24I thought that was a steak menu
30:25I thought that was a steak menu
30:31That means it's starting
30:33All right, ladies and gentlemen, make a start
30:34Of course, you're an expert now
30:35You see that TV up there?
30:37Yeah
30:38That's going to tell you what lot number you want
30:40Oh, it's like Argos
30:41It's like Argos
30:42Yeah
30:43Really, isn't it?
30:44It's like Argos or Cales
30:45And they call your number
30:46That was the last thing I understood
30:48Because at that moment, the auctioneer started speaking
30:56What?
30:57Not all of them are words
30:58What?
30:59Not all of them are words
31:00What number do you know that has rrrr in it?
31:0795, 95, 1,000, 1,000, 1,000, 1,000, 1,100
31:12Bro, one does not have an R in it
31:14It does
31:17I like at the end as well when a little bit Alicia Dixon
31:19Yeah, 15
31:20You know what I mean?
31:22I don't have a 15
31:24Yeah, you know
31:25Right, these
31:27These are good
31:28Two for the price of one, eh?
31:31And the ginger
31:34I did bonus
31:35Perfectly 50
31:36Perfectly 50
31:3750, 40
31:38Local Manor 60
31:3918, 16, 100
31:40There, look
31:41She's big, look
31:42With her head
31:43Yeah, she just did that
31:44Just like that
31:45Just...
31:46Perfectly 20, 16, 20
31:47Go in and rent the ladies' boot and sell away
31:4916, 20
31:50We got them
31:51That's how I'd like to go shopping in a shop
31:52Just look at, like, a pair of shoes and go
31:5416, 20
31:56So you've got two at 16, 20
31:58Two at 16, 20
31:59Just 16, 20, you were
32:0016 pounds, 20 pence
32:02I think it's
32:03No, 1,620 pounds
32:05Wow
32:06At this point, I decided it was time to pull rank
32:10Here we go
32:11Is Jeremy gonna try it now?
32:1211, 10, 20
32:1311, 20, 30
32:14He's doing a finger, like
32:15Yeah
32:16I'm leaving you to it
32:1711, 50
32:18Put a little bit of 50 pound
32:19All up now
32:2011, 50
32:21He's bidding against himself now
32:22Wait, what?
32:23Stop putting your hands on
32:25I don't get it
32:27He bid twice
32:28He bid against himself
32:2911, 50
32:30Nearly twice
32:31Nearly twice
32:32Nearly bid twice
32:33He nearly bid twice
32:34He nearly bid against himself
32:36It's done
32:37I headed back to the farm with my new cows
32:40Come on, new cows
32:42And waited for Charlie to shower me with praise for a job well done
32:48Charlie is Clarkson's adult
32:50Those two limousons are cracking
32:52They're really good
32:53They'll finish quite great
32:54They're the ones Harriet brought
32:55What about the other six?
32:56I don't think this one's pretty cool
32:58No, it hasn't got a round rump on the back, it's bare
33:01He's picked wrong ones
33:02He's spent all that money for the wrong ones
33:04For the wrong ones
33:05He should have just listened to Harriet
33:06Oh God, have I done it wrong?
33:07Yeah
33:08Yeah
33:09We're not done it right
33:10He's not great at it, is he?
33:12They just need to be more bootylicious
33:14Exactly that
33:15We're sat here watching this
33:17Do you know what's going on?
33:18No
33:19I ain't got a clue
33:22In South London
33:24Yo
33:25Oh, look at this
33:26Yeah, man
33:27You got the teapot
33:28I got a teapot, Bev
33:29What cup do you want?
33:30I don't care
33:31I made this one, you know
33:32You can have that
33:33Bro, I'll go pottery
33:34Yeah
33:35I've done pottery
33:36No, no, I'll go to pottery classes
33:37I made this
33:38Good friends Mo and Baba Tunde
33:40You laugh now, 100 years time
33:42This will be on Antiques Roadshow
33:45You reckon you'll have your own collection?
33:47No one is going to buy that
33:52Yeah, this
33:53No one will buy that
33:54It's not just any pottery, do you know what it is?
33:56No
33:57Bloodclark pottery
33:58On Friday, stateside squabbling was headlining the news on ITV
34:05Right, let's watch the news, I love the news
34:07Just before the news stats, just let me adjust
34:10Right, you sound
34:11Yeah, just get me a...
34:12Get your sound holes
34:13Right
34:14Yeah, because if it's not in the right position, I'm not comfy
34:17You're like the regurgitator of news
34:20I'm a news tube
34:21You're like, like, what I'm like one of those little birds that are in the nest
34:25Yeah, and I'm a bird feeder of news
34:26And then I'm like this
34:27This is the ITV Lunchtime News with Charlene White
34:32Oh, I like her denim
34:33It's not when you got the news at one but a bewitch concert at two
34:37Donald Trump and Elon Musk have scheduled a private call
34:40Oh, here we are, the chuckle brothers are back
34:43After a social media spat between the US president and the world's richest man blew up yesterday
34:49Bit late for the private call now
34:51I mean, look, this was inevitable, right, that these two was going to fall out
34:55Have you been in a relationship that's ended this dramatically?
34:58Several times
35:00The world's most powerful man and the world's richest man have fallen out and it hasn't been pretty
35:06Who'd have thought it, eh? Two lunatics falling out
35:09I'm a...
35:10What do you reckon he's saying?
35:11You are a bad boy
35:14That's not unlike Deeley, that finger comes out of me a fair thing
35:17No, but look at that, look how that moves
35:19Trump, take note
35:21The cause of the argument is what the president likes to call his big beautiful bill
35:25Trump's big beautiful bill, right, is really, in it, it basically goes, fuck off electric cars
35:33We want petrol cars
35:35Right
35:36And Musk, basically, makes his main till off electric cars
35:42Right
35:43So he sees Trump now with his bill as fucking him off
35:48Right
35:49You know, I was, like, disappointed to see the massive spinning ball
35:54Why doesn't he just go and occupy Mars?
35:55Go and occupy Mars, please
35:57Occupy Mars
35:58Only a man with a spaceship can wear that t-shirt though
36:01100%
36:02100%
36:03I slightly rate it a little bit
36:06Last night the men started shouting at each other through their social media megaphones
36:11I love a messy argument on social media, that's why I'm not deleting Facebook
36:16The easiest way to save money in our budget, billions and billions of dollars, said the president, is to terminate Elon's governmental subsidies
36:24I don't think I ever really did the arguing across social media
36:27No, Katie Hopkins called me a slag once on social media
36:30How was that, how was that feeling?
36:33I don't really remember
36:34I mean, you didn't really need to say anything to win that one, did you?
36:37I just remember
36:38Didn't she get done for shagging someone in a...
36:39That's what I remember thinking, I'm sure he got caught shagging someone's husband in a field
36:43Yeah, wasn't she bent over a farmer's gate?
36:45I wouldn't worry too much about her calling you a slag
36:48Musk hit back with an unsubstantiated claim
36:50And what's he said back?
36:52This is the big one
36:53That Mr Trump appears in government files relating to the billionaire sex offender Jeffrey Epstein
36:59Wow
37:00Ooh
37:01Ooh
37:02Yo
37:03Uh uh
37:04Yo, he went there
37:05How does he know if he's on Epstein's list?
37:07Lord knows man, I mean the thing is they're both totally flawless kings so
37:11I'm, I'm, I'm as shocked as you are to hear that Trump's on that list
37:15And we've got
37:16Is that him leaving the White House?
37:18Is that
37:19Good like getting your shit back, Elon
37:23The billionaire then appeared to row back on a threat to decommission one of the SpaceX spacecraft
37:28that America's space program relies upon
37:31Well, does he own all those masks?
37:33Yeah
37:34Well I don't want to go to space
37:35How can a man say, I'm taking my spacecraft back?
37:39You can't do that, you don't be the kid who's like, I'm going home
37:43I'm taking my ball
37:44I'm taking my ball
37:45Don't do that
37:46So men are meant to be better leaders because they're less emotional
37:49Are they?
37:50In theory
37:51Who said that?
37:52Who knows, a man
37:53Men are meant to be better leaders?
37:55Hmm
37:56Well, they're doing a fine job
37:58Aren't they?
37:59I've got a random question, what tea bags do you have?
38:10I've never had a tea or a coffee
38:12What?
38:13You've never had a tea or a coffee?
38:16Nope
38:17Friends Luke and Ginge
38:19You're 18 years old, you've never had a cup of tea?
38:21Nope, or coffee
38:22You're taking the piss
38:23I'm not
38:24That's a joke
38:25Seriously?
38:26Never had one
38:27What do you drink?
38:28Just
38:29Anything but tea
38:30Yeah
38:31Or coffee
38:32Wow, that's crazy
38:33In North London
38:36Have you had a good week?
38:37I have actually, it's been quite a busy week
38:39Haven't you been to Wales?
38:40I've been to Wales
38:41Was that random, was it impromptu?
38:43Very random, you know me, I'm a random person
38:46I'm all about spontaneity
38:48Spontaneity?
38:49Spontaneity, yeah
38:50Ellie and her good friend Richie
38:53Would you just wake up in the morning and think, I want to go to Wales?
38:55Well, I needed to go see friends
38:57Oh, okay
38:58Yeah
38:59So I was like, oh, two days off work
39:01Driving my car
39:02Not in Wales?
39:03Can you speak Welsh?
39:04No, can you speak Welsh?
39:05Well, I was supposed to
39:06I didn't
39:07You went to school in Wales?
39:08Yeah, I went to school in Wales
39:09I spoke, went to GCSE in Welsh
39:12And got, guess what I got?
39:14A
39:15Me and A
39:16B?
39:17No, not a B, not a C
39:18A C
39:19T?
39:20A U
39:21For unique
39:22I failed my Welsh GCSE
39:25This week, Hugh Grant was giving us the willies on Prime Video
39:30I very rarely stay awake until the end of the movie, just so you know
39:33So if I start snoring or dribbling, give me a nudge
39:35I remember we knew when we used to watch Dracula
39:38And you used to have to walk home down the dark road
39:41After we watched Dracula and you was on your toes
39:44Yeah, no, I get involved
39:46In the film, we see two young missionaries on their way to spread the good word
39:54This is it
39:58Crippy house, don't go in
39:59Crippy house, don't go in
40:00Crippy house
40:01Crippy house
40:02I mean, that has foreboding written all over it, doesn't it?
40:06I used to sell double glazing door to door
40:08I'm not knocking on that door
40:11Is there someone there?
40:13I'm here
40:16Good afternoon
40:17Oh, it's here, Grant
40:18Hello
40:19I absolutely
40:20Love
40:21You
40:22You know what?
40:23What?
40:24I love you too
40:25Oh, you love me too
40:28Fish bug me
40:29Hey
40:30Good afternoon
40:31I'm sister Paxton
40:32And this is my companion sister Barnes
40:34Oh, they cut the nurses
40:35No
40:36They're mormons
40:38Would you like to come inside?
40:40No
40:41Oh no
40:42Do you have a girl roommate?
40:43So they're not allowed to go in because obviously he's just a man and their beliefs and stuff
40:47That's right
40:48It's just for safety, we don't mind the rain
40:49Oh, my wife is home, does that come?
40:51Yeah
40:52I think he's lying
40:54Oh, I don't like this
40:55No, I think he's lying
40:56You can tell
40:57You can tell
40:58Cardi goes on
40:59Wife is out
41:00Cereal kid
41:01Don't trust him, girl
41:02Do you like pie?
41:03Yeah
41:04Oh, yes
41:05Bit of pie
41:06I'm straight through that door
41:07You should have said
41:09Straight away
41:13My wife is being shy
41:15But the pie
41:16The pie is nigh
41:17Sketchy
41:19Oh, there's no rife, is there?
41:21I think
41:23It is good
41:24Why has he got a candle?
41:25Yeah
41:26To be religious
41:27Well, our work here is done
41:29I just want you to know that before we start
41:31Something's happening
41:32Something
41:33Where's your wife, Hugh?
41:35Can we meet your wife?
41:37Please
41:38Of course
41:39Yes
41:40I see
41:41She's on it already
41:42She's got it
41:43Can we meet your wife?
41:44She's like
41:45Mm-hmm
41:46Sorry
41:47I'll go ask
41:50See, the moment he leaves the room now to go look for the wife
41:52I'm at the door, man
41:54He picked up on a sense, something
41:57That is a little bit woo and a little bit wee
42:02I'm gonna be honest
42:03I don't know what that means
42:04But the candle's gone out
42:05What?
42:06With the candle?
42:07Why?
42:08Why are you looking at the candle?
42:09What is it?
42:10What is it?
42:11What is it?
42:12What is it?
42:13Blueberry pie
42:14Blueberry pie?
42:15Oh, he ain't chopping them up
42:16His wife ain't in the pie
42:18No, he said that the wife was cooking a pie
42:22Oh
42:23But the scent of the candle's blueberry pie
42:25So they thought they could smell the pie being made by the wife
42:27And it's the candle
42:28It's the candle
42:29Oh
42:30Oh
42:31So who's in the fucking pie though?
42:33No, there ain't a pie
42:34Oh, there ain't a pie
42:38Oh!
42:39Oh no!
42:40It's locked
42:41In this situation you just accept it, don't you?
42:42What?
42:43That you're doomed
42:44No
42:46Well, how else are they gonna escape?
42:48So we just need your help with the door
42:50Um, it's a little tricky
42:52We've tried to escape
42:53Open the door for us, you weirdo
42:56The deadbolts are on a timer
42:58Ah
42:59Oh my god, and there's still no pie there
43:03If you are now, regrettably, ready to leave
43:06You'll have to exit through the back of my house
43:09Oh
43:10Oh, we're not doing that
43:13We're not doing that here
43:14I'll go through the front door
43:16Or the window
43:17Or the fucking window
43:18I'm not going through your back door
43:22Belief?
43:26If God is real and he watches when we masturbate
43:29And he has such a fragile ego
43:31That he only helps us when we beg him and shower him with praise
43:34And he hates gay people for being what he made them to be
43:36Well, that's terrifying
43:37Eh?
43:38Oh my god, can I just go home?
43:39Can I go home?
43:40Yeah
43:46I want this spell here that way
43:47There's a belief door and a disbelief door
43:49Which would you pick?
43:50That's the point
43:52You're not, you know
43:53There's no right answer
43:54If there's no god
43:55Then we're just horny microscopic ants
43:57Floating on a rock through space
43:58With no divine purpose
43:59And no hope to achieve eternal life
44:00Well
44:02That's terrifying too
44:03Oh, that's fucking nuts
44:05I like that
44:06Horny microscopic ants
44:07Which one would you choose?
44:08I feel like I don't
44:09I feel like I don't know what he wants them to say at this point
44:13Sister Paxton, do you still believe in God?
44:16Yes
44:17Then let's leave through here
44:20I would stay together, whatever you do
44:23Yeah, whatever it is, stay together
44:24You can always overpower him if you stay together
44:26I reckon I just might move into that room
44:28I actually like it here
44:30I think it's really cosy
44:31Beautiful
44:32You've got a blanket, have you?
44:40Oh, it doesn't look like it's outside
44:42Brother
44:44Thank you for all your mentorship
44:46And thank you for letting us leave
44:49Don't thank him
44:50You don't know you're leaving
44:51Oh, if you think you're leaving
44:53Good lord, you've never seen a horror film in your life
45:01Oh, it's going to the cellar, it's going to the cellar
45:03That's not the back door
45:05They're going further into the house
45:07They're going down, yeah
45:13He's there
45:14Oh my god, he is as well
45:16Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill
45:17Relax and chill
45:19That looks like
45:21Russell
45:23Oh, not Russell
45:24You
45:26I'm getting you, Grant
45:27Mixed up with Russell Grant
45:28Yeah
45:30Who was going to tell them their stars
45:31Yeah, we wrote a song about him
45:34Are you coming too?
45:36No
45:37Course he's not, he knows what's down there
45:40I bet there's a dragon down there
45:44No
45:45No
45:46Oh, no
45:47No
45:48No
45:49No
45:50Yep
45:51Yes
45:52Woo
45:53That happens so good
45:57No
45:58No
45:59No
46:00No
46:01No
46:02No
46:03No
46:04No
46:05No
46:06Drama streaming now
46:07A mother and daughter arrive in town with secrets that won't stay quiet
46:11That's little fly it
46:12That's little fly it
46:13Little fires everywhere with Ruth Witherspoon
46:16A helping hand over one of life's most awkward hurdles
46:19Visit Virgin Island, that's streaming now too
46:22Next tonight the open house welcomes its first gay couple
46:25To be continued
46:26To be continued
46:27To be continued
46:28To be continued
46:29To be continued
46:31To be continued
46:32To be continued