Lucifer Season 1 Episode 1

PipertheWitch1

6/12/2025

Transcript

00:00I was walking down the street when out the corner of my eye saw a pretty little thing approaching me

00:05She said, I've never seen a man who looks so all alone or could you use a little company

00:10Not even 15 minutes later, I'm still walking on the street when I saw the shadow of a man

00:15Came by the side

00:16And then he swept up from behind, he put a gun up to my head

00:19He made it clean, he wasn't looking for a bite

00:22He said, kill me all you got, I want your money, not your life

00:25If you try to make a move, I won't think twice

00:28Turn the music down, sir

00:42Hey, cut the music

00:46Sorry

00:48You know why I pulled you over?

00:51Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit

00:56It's okay, I understand

00:57So I like to punish people too

01:00Or at least I used to

01:02License and registration

01:04Coming right up

01:06Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

01:11Yes, of course

01:12Is that not enough?

01:16It doesn't take more, it's any money

01:18It's against the law, sir

01:19You people are funny about your laws, aren't you?

01:23You break the law sometimes, don't you?

01:25Sometimes

01:29Put my siren on and drive really fast for no reason at all

01:32Just because I can

01:34Right?

01:35Why wouldn't you?

01:36It's fun

01:36Feels good to get away with something, doesn't it?

01:39Yeah

01:39It's okay, officer

01:44People like to tell me things

01:46There's deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind

01:49It's a gift

01:50Must be something about this place

01:52You're tempted to kick them, aren't you?

01:56Well, what are you waiting for?

01:57Permission?

01:58Go take it

01:58Buy yourself something pretty

01:59You deserve it

02:00If you don't mind

02:02I really must be on my way

02:04Oh, yeah, of course

02:05Hey

02:06Have a nice evening

02:07You too, officer

02:09You too?

02:12You too?

02:13I've never had my cash, but you know I've got an answer

02:15I've got an answer

02:16I've got an answer

02:17You said there ain't no rest for the wicked

02:20Money don't grow on shades

02:23I've got bills to pay

02:25I've got mouths to feed

02:26There ain't nothing if it's well for free

02:28I know there ain't no rest for the wicked

02:31I've got an answer

02:33I've got an answer

02:33Hey, boss

02:34Where have you been?

03:02Oh, holed up at the chateau

03:03Copulating with a young woman named Faith

03:05It's ironic, isn't it?

03:07Thank you, Patrick

03:08You can go

03:09You little devil

03:14What?

03:16I dropped something

03:17Oh, I'm sure you did

03:18Now, Lucifer

03:20I am a big fan of sex

03:21Oh, Lucifer?

03:22But I didn't leave hell to be a bartender

03:25Shouldn't you be spending your valuable time

03:27Doing something more significant?

03:30You're the lord of hell for crying out loud

03:33I'm a retired maize

03:35I've got nothing but time

03:36Thank you

03:37I think you have a visitor

03:51Oh, Amenadiel

03:59How's it hanging, big guy?

04:01Huh?

04:02Your return to the underworld has been requested

04:05Oh, right, okay

04:07Let me just check my calendar

04:08Yeah, here it is

04:10Uh, the 7th of never through to the 15th of ain't gonna happen

04:14How does that work for you guys?

04:16Look, remind dad that I quit hell

04:19Because I was sick and tired of playing a part in his play

04:21I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our father, Lucifer

04:23Yeah, well, our father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time

04:27So pot kettle, don't you think?

04:28You are a mockery of everything divine

04:32Thank you

04:34Thank you, but lately I've been doing a fair amount of thinking

04:37Now, do you think I'm the devil because I'm inherently evil

04:40Just because dear old dad decided I was?

04:42What exactly do you think happens when the devil leaves hell?

04:46All of those demons

04:47All of those tormented and tortured souls

04:50Where do you think they go?

04:52Don't know

04:53Don't care

04:55Not my problem, brother

04:56So consider the position officially open

04:59And you, my feathered friend, can go to hell

05:02Yeah, try it

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