Virtue vs Lust! Listener Question

Stefan Molyneux

In this episode, we address a listener's struggle with the balance between love and virtue in relationships. He questions his lack of an 'in love' feeling for a kind woman he’s dating. I discuss the distinctions between love and lust, stressing that genuine connections are built on shared virtues rather than superficial attraction. The conversation explores how prioritizing lust can lead to heartbreak and emphasizes the importance of choosing partners based on character and integrity. Ultimately, I encourage embracing relationships rooted in mutual respect and moral alignment for lasting fulfillment.  GET MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING', THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI, AND THE FULL AUDIOBOOK! https://peacefulparenting.com/  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  Subscribers get 12 HOURS on the "Truth About the French Revolution," multiple interactive multi-lingual philosophy AIs trained on thousands of hours of my material - as well as AIs for Real-Time Relationships, Bitcoin, Peaceful Parenting, and Call-In Shows!  You also receive private livestreams, HUNDREDS of exclusive premium shows, early release podcasts, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!  See you soon! https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2025

Transcript

00:00All righty, righty. Good morning, everybody.

00:03Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain.

00:04Great question from a listener.

00:07And it goes a little something like this.

00:09He says, Dear Steph, I sent this question here

00:11because I never catch the shows live.

00:12Time difference.

00:14I don't know quite how to phrase this.

00:17One should choose a partner based on his or her virtues,

00:19not just lust.

00:21But what if there's lots of virtue, but not much lust?

00:27I've been dating a woman for a few months.

00:29She's kind, a great cook.

00:31Her family seems to be really friendly.

00:33She definitely wants to make this official and move forward.

00:37So why aren't I feeling in love?

00:42And how important is actually that in love feeling?

00:46We're both in our early 40s.

00:49Love is our involuntary response to virtue if we're virtuous.

00:52And I definitely say we're both virtuous,

00:55but I don't feel I can commit to her

01:01unless I'm all in.

01:04Regarding looks, I'd rate myself an eight and her a six.

01:09Could that be the reason?

01:11It's really ripping me up

01:12because if I could just go for this,

01:14I think she could be a truly wonderful potential wife.

01:17If I end this, it will break her heart.

01:21And who knows when I'll meet another woman

01:22with all these great qualities.

01:25I deeply appreciate any thoughts you might have on this.

01:29Thank you for all you do.

01:30Kindness, warmest regards,

01:32and donations from name.

01:34Well,

01:35that's a very interesting question.

01:43It's a very interesting question.

01:46So

01:46you want lust.

01:48And I'm, of course, a big fan of lust,

01:51but not at the expense of virtue.

01:52Lust serves virtue.

01:54Not the other way around.

01:56So

01:56I don't know.

01:58I mean,

01:59you're both in your early 40s.

02:01You've just started dating.

02:02So I'm going to go out on a limb,

02:04and I'm going to assume that kids are not on the menu

02:06because she's too old.

02:09So you're looking for companionship.

02:11You're not looking,

02:12you're not choosing on the basis of her fitness

02:13as a mother for your children

02:15because

02:15you're too old to have kids.

02:18Well, she's too old to have kids with you.

02:19So you are choosing someone based upon companionship

02:22rather than co-parenting and all these other things.

02:24And of course, a lot of the virtues overlap,

02:26but it's a slightly different equation.

02:29So you're in your early 40s.

02:30Let's say you started dating 25 years ago, right?

02:3316, 17.

02:34So you've run your whole life

02:36on this hot pursuit of bottomless lust.

02:38And how has that served you?

02:40Well, you're single in your early 40s.

02:42So

02:43I don't know how many hearts you've broken.

02:45I don't know how many women you've pursued based on lust

02:47where it's turned into a

02:49utter intergalactic

02:50tornado shite storm,

02:52but I assume it's more than zero.

02:55So

02:55if you want different outcomes in life,

02:59you have to do

02:59different things.

03:01And so you've run things based on lust

03:02that has not worked out for you.

03:04You're single

03:04in your early 40s.

03:08And

03:08what kind of trail have you left behind?

03:12Now,

03:12look,

03:13I

03:14remember

03:15my teenage years.

03:17I mean,

03:17it's been

03:18over 40 years

03:20since I entered my teens,

03:22but I remember my teenage years very well.

03:24And the lust that grips you in your teenage years,

03:26particularly if you're raised in a chaotic household,

03:29is

03:30truly staggering.

03:32I mean,

03:32it's,

03:32you're deranged.

03:33You're mad.

03:34You're,

03:34you're just lusting all the time

03:35and you can't think about anything else.

03:37And,

03:37and it's very,

03:38very R selected if you know the sort of

03:40nomenclature that we talk about here.

03:42So

03:42if you want,

03:45if you're having trouble letting go of lust,

03:47it could be because you're having trouble letting go

03:49of your youth.

03:50Now you haven't made very good decisions if you're in your early 40s and you're single

03:55and you want to be married.

03:57Maybe you wanted to have kids.

03:58That's,

03:59I assume that you don't have kids.

04:00You probably would have mentioned something about the challenges of a blended family.

04:04So you haven't made very good decisions.

04:06And I say this with all humility.

04:07It wasn't like I made all the great dating decisions.

04:10I got married in my 30s.

04:12So it's not like I made all great dating decisions back in the day.

04:15So I say this with all humility and sympathy,

04:17but you've made,

04:18you've made bad decisions.

04:20And I assume you've made bad decisions based on lust.

04:24So you,

04:24you have to make different decisions and those decisions are based on virtue.

04:30And you say,

04:30ah,

04:31but you see,

04:32if I have a virtuous woman,

04:35I don't feel the lust.

04:36I think that's sort of the,

04:37but you've got to look at how you've programmed yourself,

04:40right?

04:40If you've been a pornography addict,

04:41you've programmed yourself one way.

04:43If you have pursued women based on lust,

04:45then you have,

04:47and those women didn't,

04:48it didn't work out.

04:49And now if you're a virtuous guy and it didn't work out,

04:51it's because they're not virtuous women.

04:53So by pursuing lust,

04:55you have an acting upon lust.

04:57You,

04:57you've strengthened the association between lust and dysfunction,

05:01right?

05:01This is the biggest trap that men fall into.

05:03Again,

05:04I say this with all humility,

05:05but the biggest dysfunction that men fall into is programming their lust to only respond to madness,

05:11to dysfunction,

05:11to chaos,

05:12to narcissism,

05:14to selfishness,

05:14to,

05:15you know,

05:15you,

05:15you name it,

05:16right?

05:17And so,

05:18right,

05:19you know,

05:19like the,

05:20the meme of those two guys,

05:21like talking about,

05:22I know how we can get an exciting girlfriend and they're outside of a mental institution,

05:28right?

05:28So the great challenge for women is to lust after super aggressive or violent men.

05:38And the great challenge for men is to try and rescue crazy women by screwing their brains in,

05:45so to speak.

05:46That's a complicated analogy,

05:47but I think you know where I'm coming from.

05:49So,

05:50so yeah,

05:52I would assume that you've programmed yourself to associate lust and dysfunction.

05:59And now you have a functional woman and you're saying,

06:01gee,

06:01the last thing isn't really working.

06:03Well,

06:04I mean,

06:04if you've been a chubby chaser for 25 years and then you find a woman who's slender,

06:11you've programmed yourself to do the chubby chasing thing.

06:13So the slender thing isn't going to do it for you until you change your programming,

06:18right?

06:18You have to reprogram yourself.

06:20So you've spent a quarter century chasing crazy women off a cliff.

06:24And now there's a sane woman and you're saying,

06:26gee,

06:27I just don't feel the same spark.

06:28And it's because you programmed yourself to do it that way.

06:31Or you were programmed by perhaps a dysfunctional mother and seeing how she related to men and in the world,

06:37right?

06:37We,

06:37we are programmed as men to do what our fathers did because by definition,

06:41they're sexually successful and our genes want to reproduce.

06:44So our genes say,

06:44copy,

06:45paste the father,

06:46photocopy the father,

06:47do what the father did,

06:48because whatever the father did works.

06:50So,

06:50um,

06:51if your father chased your mother who was dysfunctional,

06:53you're going to program your program to chase women who were dysfunctional.

06:56The longer you do that,

06:57the deeper the programming gets.

06:59And of course,

06:59you know,

07:00pornography doesn't exactly help that.

07:01And also,

07:02uh,

07:03there are lots of movies where the guys are like trying to get these crazy women and so on.

07:08Right?

07:10So I took a Louisville slug and a four headlights or something like that.

07:17Both headlights.

07:18So recognize where you are after a quarter century of dating and the fact that you're not responding in the way that didn't work in the past is good,

07:32right?

07:33It's,

07:33it's good.

07:34So if you,

07:35if you are programmed to lust after dysfunctional women,

07:39then when you're around a functional woman,

07:41you're going to have to change these,

07:43these kinds of things.

07:43Cause you,

07:44you have a fetish for crazy,

07:45I assume,

07:46or you have a fetish for dysfunctional,

07:48or you certainly have a fetish for,

07:50I'm going off incomplete information here,

07:51but you certainly have a fetish for what doesn't work out.

07:55So if you have spent a quarter century and maybe even before that,

07:58if your father was chasing after crazy women and got one with regards to your mom,

08:04then you had 40 plus years of being programmed to chase and lust after crazy women.

08:12And so if you've got a sane,

08:13healthy,

08:14happy,

08:14virtuous woman,

08:15it's going to take time to turn that super tanker around.

08:19See how I complimented your penis.

08:20That's how I communicate.

08:23So,

08:24uh,

08:24that's number one.

08:25Um,

08:26bro,

08:27bro.

08:29I,

08:30you know,

08:30I know I've used these rating systems myself and they're not a bad shorthand,

08:33but honestly,

08:34it seems a little bit shallow in your forties to go,

08:37well,

08:38you know,

08:38she's only a six and,

08:40and I'm an eight and so on.

08:42I mean,

08:43that's a little shallow for your forties.

08:45That's kind of a younger person's game.

08:47Look,

08:48nobody,

08:48I mean,

08:48I think I was a reasonably attractive guy.

08:50I,

08:50when I was younger,

08:51but,

08:52uh,

08:52I'm in my,

08:53you know,

08:53late fifties.

08:55I'm semi ghoul.

08:56I'm waiting for my nose to fall off.

08:58Right.

08:59And,

08:59um,

09:00I don't know that anyone's objectively an eight in their forties.

09:06So,

09:07you know,

09:07this rating thing,

09:08it's a little shallow.

09:09And of course,

09:10this means that you've gone for looks in the past and women have gone for you

09:13based on your looks,

09:14right?

09:14If you're in the top 20% of attractive men.

09:17So you might want to revisit that,

09:21uh,

09:21kind of stuff where the looks thing becomes,

09:24should become less important as you age.

09:25Right.

09:26So like basic pair bonding,

09:27one-on-one,

09:28if we solely focused on looks,

09:30we could not pair bond for a lifetime because our looks fade as we age.

09:35Right.

09:36There are no good looking 80 year olds.

09:38I mean,

09:38they're just not,

09:39I mean,

09:40compared to 20 year olds.

09:41Right.

09:41So,

09:42um,

09:44so we,

09:46we have to grow out of looks as our primary focus or our singular focus.

09:52And you are historically speaking,

09:55you'd be old enough to be a grandfather.

09:59Right.

09:59So I put you in the category guys in their forties,

10:02right?

10:02You get married at 20.

10:04Your kids have kids at 20.

10:06So in your early forties,

10:07you're holding your grandchild.

10:09Now,

10:10as a grandfather,

10:12and,

10:13uh,

10:14I remember this,

10:15it's only happened once,

10:16but I do remember somebody asking me when I was out with my daughter,

10:19um,

10:20how old is your granddaughter?

10:22And yes,

10:22I'm an older parent,

10:23right?

10:23So that's just a fact.

10:24It's the way it is.

10:26So would you respect a grandfather who was kind of obsessively rating,

10:32uh,

10:33men and women based upon a one to 10 scale of looks,

10:36a grandfather,

10:37right?

10:37Cause that's your age,

10:38right?

10:39So,

10:40I mean,

10:40my wife and I have been married for 23 years.

10:45We don't look the same as when we got married.

10:48I mean,

10:48I think we've kept us all.

10:50I mean,

10:50no,

10:50she's kept herself fantastically.

10:51I've kept myself fairly well,

10:53but we just don't look the same.

10:55Now I love her.

10:58It's crazy.

10:59I love her more and more every day.

11:00She's just absolutely wonderful,

11:01but we are not the same.

11:04Uh,

11:05we were just talking about,

11:06we went for a nice,

11:06uh,

11:07two hour hike yesterday and then,

11:08uh,

11:09had a lovely dinner and we were just sort of talking about aging and all that kind of stuff.

11:13And yeah,

11:14when we're not the same,

11:14I mean,

11:15but I love her more because she's grown in virtue and consistency and she's just so kind and so thoughtful and so morally strong.

11:23And,

11:24and I just,

11:25I,

11:25like I worship the lilacs,

11:27her feet touch because she doesn't touch the ground everywhere she walks.

11:30It's just lilacs,

11:31right?

11:31It's just lilacs underneath and booing her up.

11:33Not much because she's Greek.

11:35So not super tall or anything like that.

11:38But,

11:38uh,

11:38you,

11:39you have to can like for pair bonding to work,

11:41you have to let the look stuff go and you have to have that focus on,

11:46uh,

11:47the virtues,

11:48right?

11:49So that's number one.

11:50Well,

11:51sorry,

11:51that's number two.

11:52Number three is that let's say that the last thing is a big deal for you and last is great.

11:59And I think last is wonderful.

12:01If the last is a big deal for you,

12:02then you need to work to have a lifetime of great sex.

12:07And the way that you have a lifetime of great sex is you choose a woman for something other than her looks.

12:13Choosing a woman just for her looks is like a woman choosing a man just for his money.

12:19Now,

12:19if a woman chooses a man just for his money,

12:24he will enjoy spending money on her initially.

12:30And then he will start to resent it because he doesn't feel visible and loved for who he is.

12:34Right.

12:34So he's just,

12:35uh,

12:36used for his money.

12:37Right.

12:38So he'll,

12:39it doesn't tend generally last in terms of happiness.

12:42Right.

12:43Whereas if a woman,

12:44you know,

12:44the man grows rich with her participation and her help and all of that,

12:49then,

12:49you know,

12:50he knows she's not just there for his money.

12:52She's there for him.

12:53And the money is a byproduct of their,

12:55uh,

12:55her support and her respect and,

12:57and his work and everything they do together.

12:59So then he's going to love sharing his money because it's collectively earned and it's not the only reason she's there.

13:05So just,

13:06I'm trying to sort of explain this to you as a man so that you can understand how it works for women.

13:11That if you choose a woman based upon her looks primarily,

13:16which is doesn't mean exclusively,

13:17there's no such thing as one motive and something as complicated as a relationship.

13:21But if you choose a woman primarily because of her looks,

13:24then that's exciting for both of you in the beginning.

13:28And there'll be a fair amount of sex,

13:29maybe a lot of sex.

13:30And then the resentment starts to kick in,

13:33which is she does not feel loved and treasured for who she is,

13:35but she feels used for her flesh.

13:39Which I suppose if she has a bit of a humiliation fetish,

13:41she'll find sexually exciting to begin with,

13:43but the resentment kicks in.

13:45So if you choose a woman based upon lust,

13:48you will get a lot of sex very early on,

13:50and then it will peter out and become a dry,

13:54desert,

13:54sexless,

13:55barren relationship of,

13:57uh,

13:58no joyful,

13:59naughty parts,

14:01starting a fire called life.

14:03So if you want to have a lifetime of great sex,

14:08choose a woman for her virtues.

14:09And then the sex is an added bonus.

14:11If you choose a woman based upon her sex appeal,

14:13you get sex,

14:14a lot of sex at the beginning,

14:15and then you get,

14:17it's a,

14:18it's a drug,

14:18right?

14:19It's like a drug.

14:19If you choose cocaine for your happiness,

14:20you'll get a lot of happiness early on,

14:22and then you'll get a lot of misery.

14:23And it's the same thing with choosing a woman based upon her flesh is a sexual addiction.

14:29It means that you want the high now,

14:32and you don't care about the,

14:34uh,

14:34the,

14:35the,

14:35the barrenness and the negativity and the destruction later.

14:39Right?

14:39So you,

14:39let's say you get married to a woman based upon lust alone,

14:42then you have a lot of sex and,

14:44and you get that sort of weird bonding without the trust,

14:48right?

14:48So if you choose a woman based on lust,

14:50you have all of the sex,

14:51which releases all the bonding hormones.

14:52And then you end up bonding to people.

14:54You both are bonding to each other without a virtue.

14:58And,

14:58and what virtue is designed for is to bring predictability,

15:01stability,

15:01and trust into your relationship,

15:05because you have to really trust people to have children with them.

15:09Uh,

15:09certainly these days,

15:10uh,

15:10with the craziness of the government courts and,

15:12uh,

15:13how the woman can take you for,

15:14you know,

15:15three kidneys and a gonad,

15:16uh,

15:17you have to have a lot of trust in her virtues.

15:18So you end up pair bonding and building a life that psychologically and emotionally requires

15:24absolute trust,

15:26but you don't have that trust,

15:28right?

15:29So trust may rhyme with lust,

15:30but it's kind of an antonym if those are the only considerations.

15:34So you end up bound together legally,

15:39morally,

15:39and because of your vows.

15:41And also you end up bound together,

15:43not in your case,

15:44but for the most part with,

15:45with children,

15:46right?

15:46Because you have children.

15:48So you end up with a lifelong commitment and a lifelong commitment requires absolute trust,

15:53not a little bit of trust,

15:54like absolute trust.

15:55And absolute trust is only earned through consistent moral behavior.

16:01Consistent moral behavior is only achieved through integrity and virtue.

16:05Like my wife and I don't wake up in the morning and say,

16:08Oh gee,

16:09I wonder what mood my partner is going to be in.

16:11I mean,

16:11it's not like we don't have moods,

16:12but there is a,

16:13a consistency.

16:14There's a sort of return to norm,

16:15uh,

16:16like a metronome,

16:17right?

16:17It doesn't keep going,

16:18but it,

16:18you know,

16:18it gets back to the norm.

16:19And so we,

16:22um,

16:23we wake up in the morning and,

16:24you know,

16:24we hug and kiss and,

16:25and a planner day.

16:27And,

16:27and it's,

16:28it's just,

16:28it's great fun.

16:29And we don't sort of sit there and say,

16:30Oh,

16:30I wonder what kind of mood.

16:32This is consistency and,

16:33and trust,

16:33right?

16:33And,

16:34you know,

16:34I hope that you have that in what I do philosophically,

16:37that I'm not going to start making,

16:39uh,

16:39you know,

16:40rageful emotions based upon reason and react,

16:42uh,

16:42based upon emotion and reaction,

16:44right?

16:44I'm going to try to be rational and work with all of that.

16:47So lust is great.

16:50And you want to plan for a lifetime of,

16:55of,

16:55of lust of,

16:56of great physical contact.

16:57And you do that by choosing a woman based on virtue so that sex becomes a

17:01celebration of your love and trust and respect for each other rather than,

17:04uh,

17:05using each other as semi-masturbatory devices without really liking the person.

17:09Uh,

17:09a woman who feels used for her body will,

17:12uh,

17:13it will kill her sex drive over time.

17:15Uh,

17:15it really will.

17:16And,

17:16uh,

17:17I've certainly talked to enough people who chose a woman based upon looks who

17:21end up,

17:21uh,

17:22in sexless marriages or lust is like happiness.

17:27You want to choose it for that,

17:29which lasts,

17:30not for that,

17:31which,

17:31uh,

17:32you,

17:33you buy in the present at the cost of the future,

17:34right?

17:35Again,

17:35happiness,

17:36uh,

17:36reason equals virtue equals happiness.

17:38Uh,

17:39and that's sustainable.

17:40And it's the same thing with sexuality,

17:43with lust.

17:44You want to choose it to be sustainable,

17:45which means choose a woman based on for choose so she doesn't feel used for her

17:49body and therefore will resent you as a whole.

17:53So,

17:54uh,

17:54that's number three.

17:56Um,

17:57are you a status guy?

18:02Are you a status guy?

18:03Now a status guy will choose a woman based upon her looks because he wants to

18:08be envied or to impress other men.

18:11And,

18:11uh,

18:11that is a,

18:12that's a very high price to pay to be with a dysfunctional woman.

18:15Now,

18:15of course,

18:16I'm certainly not saying that all very attractive women are dysfunctional.

18:22I mean,

18:22I think my wife is very attractive,

18:24completely functional.

18:26So,

18:26um,

18:27it's not like you have to choose like,

18:28you know,

18:28the hot,

18:29crazy matrix.

18:29It's not like you have to choose,

18:30but if you're,

18:33you're an eight and your wife is a six and you say,

18:36well,

18:37gee,

18:37you know,

18:38when I'm out and about,

18:38if I'm at a business meeting,

18:39if I'm,

18:40you know,

18:40having lunch with an executive and my wife shows up,

18:43they're going to be like,

18:43Oh,

18:44what are you doing with her?

18:45You know?

18:46And I,

18:46I get all of that.

18:47I get all of that,

18:48but you spend a whole lot of your life,

18:50not in status situations.

18:53And if you are really focused on status,

18:56you are too easy to control and you have to be willing to let go of status in

19:02order to have integrity.

19:03I mean,

19:04status is fine.

19:05Nothing wrong with status,

19:06but I mean,

19:07I can tell you this from personal experience,

19:09having been severely canceled,

19:10you have to focus on integrity and you have to be willing to forego status.

19:15If you want to maintain integrity,

19:16because otherwise you have this big giant set of dials called status on your

19:20heart or your nads or your face,

19:22or I guess I could get a lot on my forehead and people would just,

19:25they'll just play you.

19:26They'll just flick switches.

19:27They'll run up and down dials that turn knobs to get you to do what they want

19:31by just withholding status from you.

19:33So if you want to have integrity,

19:34you have to be willing to let go of status.

19:37And if you are hesitant to commit to this woman because of a status thing,

19:42well,

19:42I'm just more attractive than her.

19:43Well,

19:44first of all,

19:44you're both relatively quickly going to end up pretty unattractive.

19:47I mean,

19:48by the standards of people in their twenties and all that kind of stuff.

19:51Right?

19:52So holding on to status based upon looks is a fading game.

19:56Anyway,

19:57again,

19:58think about when you're 70,

19:59nobody's going to be looking at you and your wife and saying,

20:02well,

20:02gee,

20:02he's two points higher than her.

20:04I mean,

20:04you're both low just based on age,

20:08right?

20:09Physical attractiveness is a lure to bring moral people together to pay a bond for

20:13a lifetime as they slowly decay.

20:15It's just the way that it is.

20:20So

20:20I would say that if she is a moral woman,

20:28you need to,

20:29you know,

20:29and I sort of hate to be harsh,

20:31but we all need this,

20:32you know,

20:32slap with a wet carp in the face from time to time.

20:35You just need to grow up.

20:36I mean,

20:37in your forties focusing on,

20:39well,

20:39I'm an age and she's a six and,

20:41and all of that.

20:44It's a,

20:45it's a little shallow.

20:46It's a little like you're,

20:47you're too old.

20:47You're,

20:48you're a grandfather age,

20:49evolutionarily speaking,

20:50like you should be in grandfather mindset.

20:53And if you had a grandfather who was like rating women,

20:55uh,

20:56as they walk by,

20:56ah,

20:57she's a seven.

20:57Ah,

20:57she's a nine.

20:58I mean,

20:58just be like,

20:59okay.

21:00I mean,

21:01you're not,

21:01you're not 15 anymore.

21:02You're not 17 anymore.

21:04So,

21:05uh,

21:05and of course you focusing on lust has not worked.

21:08If you want a lust for your lifetime,

21:10then you want to choose a woman based on her,

21:13uh,

21:14virtues because then,

21:15uh,

21:15sex becomes a celebration rather than a using of the body at the expense of an evaluation of the soul.

21:21So I think that if you wait for another virtuous woman to come along,

21:27uh,

21:30I think that's a bad idea,

21:31man.

21:32If you've,

21:32if you've spent a quarter century looking for a virtuous woman and you finally found one,

21:37but she's two points below you in physical attractiveness,

21:40bro,

21:41it's a little,

21:41that's a little fussy.

21:42You understand?

21:43That's a little fussy.

21:44You're not going to get a spoiler fact reality.

21:48You're not going to get,

21:49um,

21:50Ayn Rand in Megan Fox's body.

21:52You're not going to get even why Megan Fox drinks blood and Ayn Rand was a little nutty too,

21:57but you're not going to get everything you want in a woman.

22:02You're not,

22:03and spoiler,

22:04you're not everything she's looking for either.

22:06She probably wants a guy who's not disturbed by the fact that you're an eight and she's a six and less,

22:12less,

22:12less.

22:12Like she probably wants a guy who falls in lust with her for who she is rather than her flesh.

22:18So you're not going to get everything you want in another person.

22:24She's not getting everything she wants because she'd like you to be just a little bit less shallow,

22:29I think.

22:30And again,

22:31I say that having been down that road and I say that with all humility,

22:34I also say that having,

22:36you know,

22:36like 15 years on you,

22:37uh,

22:38of,

22:39uh,

22:39maturity and aging up and becoming wiser.

22:42Oh,

22:43and I'm old and wise.

22:45So,

22:45uh,

22:48you're,

22:48you're not going to get,

22:49you don't get to assemble people in,

22:51in ideal ways.

22:52You,

22:53you take people who they are on balance.

22:55If they're virtuous and moral,

22:56I mean,

22:58it's been 25 years of you dating.

22:59This is the first moral woman you've come across.

23:02Um,

23:03it's not like people are getting saner these days.

23:06So,

23:07um,

23:08odds are you're going to be in your late sixties before you find another woman like this.

23:12And,

23:13uh,

23:13then you'll miss out on 25 years of great meals,

23:16great companionship,

23:16great conversation,

23:17mutual moral,

23:18uh,

23:19inspiration and nobody's perfect.

23:24Nobody's ideal.

23:26And neither are you.

23:28So you have to focus also on,

23:31let's say that,

23:32uh,

23:33Oh,

23:33I wish she was exactly who she is,

23:35but a 10.

23:36It's like,

23:36okay,

23:36well,

23:37sure.

23:37Whatever.

23:38Right.

23:38Of course,

23:38if she was a 10,

23:39she probably wouldn't be like this.

23:41If she was like,

23:42also in your forties,

23:43this is like finding a Renoir at a garage sale.

23:45So in your forties,

23:47it's mostly broken people.

23:49Scraps,

23:50psychos and leftovers.

23:51It is right.

23:53I mean,

23:54it's like the used car market,

23:56so to speak,

23:56to use a coarse analogy,

23:57right?

23:58A really good used car is not on the market because people don't sell it.

24:02Right.

24:02Everything that's on the market is something other people haven't wanted,

24:06including you,

24:08right?

24:08You're single in your forties.

24:10She would have every right to say,

24:11this guy's an eight and he's still single in his forties.

24:14Why hasn't he been snapped up and kept now?

24:18Right.

24:18It could be the case that you're both are just so moral that the general

24:24a morality or immorality of the world has,

24:26has,

24:27has spurned and,

24:28and scorned you.

24:29And right.

24:30And,

24:30and okay.

24:30And that's certainly a possibility.

24:32And I'm not,

24:32but you know,

24:33given what you're saying,

24:34a little bit of the shallowness,

24:35that may not be the case.

24:36So my guess is you spent a,

24:38you know,

24:3825 years chasing holes,

24:41right?

24:41Holes being vaginas.

24:42And of course the absence of a virtue,

24:45avoid,

24:45avoid virtue,

24:48pursuing the void of the holes.

24:50And,

24:51and that's left you with some scars and that's left you with some shallowness.

24:55And that has left you with some immaturity.

24:58And again,

24:59I have aspects of immaturity.

25:01So,

25:02you know,

25:02this is just something we need to point out and reflect on.

25:04I'm not trying to be superior here or,

25:06you know,

25:07whack my finger from some mountaintop of infinite maturity.

25:10I mean,

25:10I don't know how many dick jokes I've made.

25:12It's never zero.

25:15So I'm with you there on some of the boyishness,

25:18but so,

25:21so if in the scrap psychos and leftovers of most men and women in their forties who are still single,

25:27or,

25:27you know,

25:27they've got a bunch of kids or they're economically crippled by divorce settlements and alimony and child support,

25:32or they have medical or health issues or mental health issues,

25:38or they're workaholics who don't have any capacity to relate or relax.

25:42Or they're socially awkward or shy and can't connect with people very easily,

25:47or they have weird habits or hobbies.

25:50They are secretive because they have things they do at home that they don't want anyone else to know about.

25:54I mean,

25:54it's just in your forties.

25:57Why?

25:58Why?

25:58Why still single,

25:59right?

25:59That's a very valid question.

26:01And so if you've,

26:03if you're a virtuous man,

26:05and I,

26:05I don't doubt that,

26:06right?

26:06I mean,

26:06I,

26:06I mean,

26:07a couple of tweaks we all need,

26:08but I don't doubt that.

26:10So if you both have found each other in the general detritus and a refuse and asylum sloth from people in their forties,

26:22you guys better hang on to each other like grim life because man,

26:26the odds of,

26:27of this happening again is virtually zero.

26:30I mean,

26:32I mean,

26:32grow up,

26:33bro.

26:33And I say this with love and affection and I thank you for your support,

26:36but grow up.

26:37She's a great woman.

26:38You're a great guy.

26:39Get together and love each other.

26:43And I promise you,

26:44if you focus on getting together for virtues and values,

26:49your lust will be perfectly satisfied for the rest of your life and you won't continue the mistakes of your last quarter century.

26:57So,

26:57uh,

26:58go forth.

26:58Don't multiply,

27:00but love.

27:01Thank you so much,

27:02everyone.

27:02Freedomain.com slash donate to help out the show.

27:04I really do appreciate that.

27:05Bye.

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