#ShowMovies
#Clarkson's Farm
#Clarkson's Farm
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00:00Captions by Red Bee Media
00:30Morning. Morning. How are we looking? We're looking like it's a pub. It's a pub. It's exciting, isn't it?
00:36I've written your menu up. Do you want to see it? Yeah.
00:39What we got?
00:41Chicken, liver, pate, all pressed ham, piccadilly, all garlic mushrooms, sausages of the day, mash,
00:47Oats and gravy, onions, mango salt pot, apple crumble, cheesecake of the day.
00:52Fantastic.
00:54Morning, everybody. Oh, smelling good.
00:57Hi, Jeremy. How are you? Well, how are you?
01:00After our sprint to the finish line, the mood on opening morning was reassuringly calm and upbeat.
01:08Morning. Morning, morning. Are you excited?
01:11Yes. Very so excited.
01:12Oh, is that the bubble squeak? Yes, it is. I love that stuff.
01:15Well done. That's great. That's fantastic.
01:18Morning, everybody.
01:20Bread's arrived this morning. Fresh bread.
01:22There it is. Exciting eggs have arrived.
01:25Yeah, it's all coming together just in time.
01:27It always is. I mean, this is it.
01:29I could have got in a blind panic and run around going, do this and do that, but I've actually learned everybody knows what has to be done, and everybody's doing a brilliant job, if you think about it.
01:39They are.
01:39After my King Charles-style walkabout, Caleb and I set about a job I'd been very much looking forward to.
01:50Where did that go?
01:52Oh, I didn't bother you, so it's too complicated.
01:55Christening the pub with its new name.
01:58I've got to go lower than the sign to start off with, because I've got to slide it between the wood.
02:10So it doesn't fit in the frame?
02:13It fits inside the frame, but it doesn't fit...
02:15At the bottom?
02:16Yeah.
02:18It's not ideal, is it?
02:19I know, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
02:21Let's put the other side up.
02:23Okay.
02:25I've had one slight problem with this, which Lisa spotted the other day, is that she says it's a bit suggestive.
02:32I mean, only Lisa would spot that, but she did.
02:38Yep.
02:43Jobs are good, hmm?
02:44Well, it's not.
02:45Jobs kind of half done, but it'll do.
02:49It's good, actually, isn't it?
02:50The sign looks awesome.
02:50The sign is, because we went through the farmer's everything, didn't we?
02:54Yeah.
02:54But there's nothing more loyal than a farmer's dog.
02:57Your dog is the most loyal thing you'll ever know.
03:00Yours, on the other hand.
03:01Yours are not fucking loyal.
03:04We then hung up various other things.
03:07I'm on this side of you.
03:09No.
03:10There we go.
03:11And just as we were finishing that, Charlie arrived and made a rather alarming observation.
03:17Um.
03:18What?
03:19What about the prices?
03:22Oh.
03:25What are we charging?
03:27Have we not done that yet?
03:28Nobody's done it.
03:30For fuck's sake.
03:31What time is it?
03:32We're opening 40 minutes.
03:35While Charlie hurried off to sort that out, my stress levels once again shot up, as I started
03:42to notice a host of other problems.
03:46Rachel, where's the carvery unit going?
03:48Well, I still think this is the problem with wanting a room to be a private dining room and a carvery room.
03:54I know, but we can't stay there.
03:55But, er, the problem is, it's very heavy.
03:58No, it's on wheels.
03:59These bar stools don't work.
04:06They don't swivel.
04:06They don't.
04:07They're ugly, and they block the bar completely.
04:10So you can't sit in them unless you're actually facing forwards.
04:13I've got carrots on the go up there for veg of the day.
04:20I'll need some beans going through, chef.
04:22Yeah.
04:23What's all this shit?
04:24It's a dojo.
04:25Yeah.
04:25To the tent?
04:26To the tent.
04:27Right, so what are they doing here?
04:30Oh, my giddy-o.
04:31What's all this?
04:33No, we're not doing fucking bins there.
04:36What is the matter with everybody?
04:39Music off!
04:41No music on in here ever.
04:45Come to the Cotswolds, and we'll put a plastic bin in the view.
04:52Prices.
04:53We know what we're charging.
04:54Does it include a profit?
04:58There's a margin over the...
05:00So, you know...
05:00Oh, no, I don't understand money.
05:02It's...
05:03It's...
05:03Really?
05:06Well, I'm just here to spend it, Charlie.
05:08That's all.
05:09That's all I've done for a month.
05:12Rachel, I've got the prices.
05:14Oh, well, um...
05:16Oh, God.
05:17This is what Charlie's just given me.
05:18Oh, right, OK.
05:22So I'm not making the time up.
05:23Quarter to 12.
05:26Right.
05:30Here we go.
05:33Meanwhile, in Lisa world...
05:35Just doing the little finishing off bits, all the nice stuff.
05:38Bit of sewing, bit of gingham hanging.
05:41Um, I've got to hang some more paintings.
05:43But, you know, otherwise, put some more tea towels up there.
05:46Little bits and pieces, but all in control.
05:48Have we only got one bar still here?
05:50Things keep getting moved, and it's not...
05:52So we've just got...
05:53We've got a nest of tables.
05:56What's this shit?
05:57Almost gin labels.
05:59OK, well...
06:00Kevin was walking around with those.
06:01We've got ten minutes.
06:02Yeah.
06:03So who's...
06:04Can we have...
06:05I need an army of people.
06:07Where's all the staff?
06:08They're having a quick briefing.
06:10They've got...
06:10We have to open.
06:11We know that.
06:12So they need to know what they're doing quickly.
06:14Where's the vacuum cleaner go?
06:15And they're kicking this fucking bonnet shot.
06:26Shit.
06:29Whoa.
06:31I can't do this.
06:33Do you want me to come back with that?
06:34Fuck it. No, I haven't got time.
06:34Somebody else can do that.
06:35Fuck it.
06:40Crack on with those.
06:41We do need them ready for service.
06:45Hi, guys.
06:53Here's the bar.
06:54Grab a drink.
06:58Hi, how are you?
07:00Hi, good to see you.
07:01Two?
07:01Inside or out?
07:03Hi there, guys.
07:04How are you?
07:13Yeah, fans are dead.
07:14That cannot stay in here, as I've been saying all along.
07:20Power cut.
07:21Fans are dead.
07:22No gas.
07:23What?
07:23The fans have just died, causing the gas cut out to...
07:27Do you hear that?
07:28Yeah.
07:34It's not like it's a power cut.
07:35Well, the extractor fan, the gas system is locked into the extractor fan, so when the extractor fan goes off, the gas has an auto cut-off.
07:44Chris, we've lost power in here, mate.
07:48Are you all together?
07:49Yes.
07:50Yes.
07:50Yes.
07:50Yes.
07:51Yes.
07:51Yes.
07:52Yes.
07:53Yes.
07:54Yes.
07:55Yes.
07:56Yes.
07:57Yes.
07:58Yes.
07:59Yes.
08:00Yes.
08:01Yes.
08:02Yes.
08:03Yes.
08:04Yes.
08:05Yes.
08:07Yes.
08:08Yes.
08:09Come with me round here.
08:10I'll get you in over here.
08:11How many are you?
08:12Two and a baby.
08:13çıkt a baby.
08:14Two and a baby.
08:15OK, fantastic.
08:16Uh, trunking comes from the top.
08:17Can we have the switch on the right house side?
08:20Yeah.
08:21Curtis, I'll just isolate her.
08:25There must be a pot.
08:28Hi, who's next?
08:34Can you not help?
08:36Don't do anything about them.
08:38It's a specialist.
08:45Do you know there's no food yet?
08:47There's a little problem in the kitchen.
08:50So I don't know how well you can see that.
08:52So that's the isolator switch.
08:54Yeah, turn one of the fans off.
08:57OK.
08:59Now go to the key down below, turn it off,
09:01and turn it back on again.
09:03OK.
09:04You should have gas now.
09:05Yeah, should have gas now.
09:06No, there it goes.
09:07It's just tripped.
09:08Right.
09:09OK.
09:10Unfortunately, I've got no chance of getting that.
09:12OK, cheers.
09:13Bye.
09:14He knows what he's talking about.
09:16He's in Hull.
09:20Jeez.
09:23I was then told Annie urgently needed me
09:26at the bar in the tent.
09:29Our coolers have gone down,
09:30and I can't serve half our range.
09:32You can't what?
09:33We can't serve half the Hawkstone range
09:35because our coolers have gone down.
09:36So I'm limping on one cooler.
09:38Where's Mark?
09:39I don't know.
09:40Jeremy.
09:41Congratulations.
09:42Hello.
09:43Well, yeah.
09:44Yeah, we've got teething problems here.
09:45What?
09:46Yeah, go on.
09:47I've got an issue with the coolers.
09:48Sorry, I know that.
09:49Everyone's telling me what's...
09:50Yeah.
09:51How do we resolve it is the main thing.
09:52Erm, I've already spoke to Brunswick.
09:54They're coming out at the moment.
09:56Yeah, and where are they coming from?
09:57What time will they be here?
09:58Two hours time.
09:59Fucking hell.
10:00What have we got running?
10:01I could do a cider, a lager.
10:02I'm going to have to drop half the range
10:04because at the wastage,
10:05for every pint I'm pouring,
10:06I'm losing a bite.
10:23This is lunch service is a bus, basically.
10:25I put it to Sue and Rachel,
10:27and this is the realistic situation.
10:29No food now until 5.30.
10:31No food now?
10:32No food from now until 5.30.
10:40Well, there's definitely no lunch.
10:41No, definitely no lunch.
10:44But we can send them down to the tent.
10:46They're all happy anyway.
10:47They've been told on the door
10:48they may or may not eat some food,
10:49but there's loads of food down the garden,
10:50enjoy the whole day and the whole site.
10:52So everyone's happy.
10:53It's pouring with wine.
10:54Absolutely pouring down.
10:56No-one can sit in the garden.
11:06The coolers aren't working over here either.
11:07I don't know what's going on.
11:09They're not working over there.
11:10They're not working here.
11:15Hi, guys.
11:16Hello.
11:17The crisps are very good.
11:18Yeah.
11:35As I hid in my office imagining the TripAdvisor reviews,
11:39Charlie and Chris the electrician managed to work out
11:43why the extractor fans were tripping.
11:47Left-hand side.
11:48Yeah.
11:49Up, up, up there.
11:50Yeah.
11:51Yeah.
11:54Okay, there you go.
11:56Yeah.
11:58Well, Sam, Chris, is it mended?
11:59Yes.
12:00You had the urn and the industrial toaster off the fan circuit,
12:04so, okay.
12:05But it overloaded it.
12:07You're grinning.
12:08It is grinning.
12:09All good.
12:112-0-9.
12:12Three sausage, one gammon, one pie.
12:15Quickly, yeah.
12:16Good.
12:17Well done.
12:18Right, then.
12:19Pie sausage, no starter.
12:22Garlic mushrooms on the toast.
12:23Absolutely spot on.
12:25Service, please.
12:26Thank you very much.
12:27By two o'clock, the first of the lunches
12:29finally made it out of the door.
12:33Help yourselves.
12:34Grab yourself a pint.
12:35Grab yourself some great food.
12:36And pay attention to this.
12:37Every single thing you're going to consume in here
12:39was grown or reared by British farmers.
12:43So that's all good news.
12:44In there, not in the bottle.
12:47Mark the brewer also got the beer coolers sorted.
12:51Boys, what can I get you?
12:52Lager?
12:53And outside, Gerald was introducing Caleb
12:56to an old Oxfordshire pub garden game
12:59called Aunt Sally.
13:02If you get this...
13:05Go and sit on there, I'll see if I can take your wig off.
13:07We'll sit him on the top of there.
13:14Oh, yes!
13:16Good one.
13:17By the evening, like everyone, I was exhausted from the ups and downs of the day.
13:31I desperately wanted some sleep, but that was impossible.
13:36Because more night harvesting beckoned.
13:39We're going to call it.
13:40All right, my friends.
13:41Thank you so much.
13:42We're going to call it.
13:43All right, my friends.
13:44Thank you so much.
13:45We're going to call it.
13:46I will call it.
13:47All right, my friends.
13:48Thank you so much.
13:49We're going to call it.
13:50We're going to call it.
13:58All right, my friends, thank you so much.
14:12After a couple of hours' kip,
14:14I returned to the pub which was basking
14:17in some typical bank-holiday weather.
14:24Bloody hell.
14:27However, we were at least hoping
14:29for a smoother day in the kitchen
14:31because instead of the normal menu,
14:36we would be unveiling my new weekend carvery.
14:43Yorkshire's.
14:43Yorkies are going, yeah.
14:46Beef's done.
14:47You're going to love this.
14:48Having toured the kitchens,
14:50I went up to my office for a catch-up with Charlie.
14:54Morning.
14:55Hi, Charlie, how's things?
14:56It's quite damp, isn't it?
14:59Yeah, I'm looking at the weather forecast.
15:00I'm looking at the figures for yesterday.
15:02Oh, Christ.
15:03Yeah, sorry about that.
15:04It's quite a complicated entry procedure to my office.
15:06Yeah, we've lost two waitresses, we've lost a pot washer after one day.
15:14One day?
15:15Mm.
15:16And the lights are still flickering and indeed flickered off.
15:19That's disappointing.
15:20And they've come back on again now.
15:21Given that we've got a generator.
15:23It's not working.
15:24Well, it is.
15:25Well, there is some evidence to suggest it's not working in as much as the light has gone off again and come back on again.
15:32We're still quite short of power, aren't we?
15:36I know.
15:37And the obvious leaks.
15:39What?
15:40I don't know about leaks.
15:41What leaks?
15:46Oh, my giddy aunt.
15:47Oh, it's good news.
15:48No, that's not good news.
15:49Well, it's not on the mural.
15:50No, it's not on the mural.
15:51That is good news.
15:52Oh, Jesus.
15:53Yeah.
15:54That's a big leak.
15:56It's just where the roof...
15:58It's just to join.
15:59Alan's on his way.
16:02On the plus side, the rain did eventually stop.
16:06The replacement pot washers started work.
16:09There's no easy way of doing it, is there?
16:12Well, then, so gravy's on, parrots are on.
16:15So that's fucking happy days.
16:17Sorry about the wait.
16:18And at noon, we open for business.
16:20Bang on schedule.
16:22Here's the bar.
16:23Grab a drink.
16:24It's a carvery today.
16:27It's 20 pounds.
16:28Ladies and gentlemen, the carvery is now open.
16:31The carvery is now open and ready.
16:36There's some cauliflower cheese there,
16:37york's pudding, potatoes,
16:38all the veg and the gravy and your sauces
16:40are over the far side there.
16:42With the electrics holding up
16:44and the carvery going down a storm...
16:46Uh, here we go.
16:48...I breathed a sigh of relief
16:50for the first time in two days.
16:52There we go.
16:54However, I'd forgotten one important thing.
17:00Portion control.
17:03Any more...
17:04There's no more cabbage, is there?
17:05No.
17:06No, it's all gone.
17:07No, it's all gone.
17:08We'd hoped to serve food until 6pm,
17:11but by four, the kitchen was in trouble.
17:15We can do another 25 to 30 people,
17:18and then after that, there's no food left.
17:24I'm going to be brutally honest here,
17:25we are not going to be able to serve you guys food.
17:27It's all gone.
17:35Happily, we could keep operating as a pub,
17:38but then, an hour later...
17:43No, nothing.
17:45Is there no water?
17:47The water's just gone off in the building,
17:50so if you go through the trees, there's some portaloos.
17:54I was hoping the problem was something trivial,
17:57but the plumber quickly realised
17:59it was being caused by the village down the hill.
18:03As far as I know, the water pipe
18:05comes all the way up from Astle Village.
18:07It does, yeah.
18:08It was from Worsham, is it?
18:09Yeah.
18:10So, if it is what's happening,
18:11then everyone in the village is turning their water supply on,
18:14showers, filling up pots, pans, kettles,
18:17and it hasn't got the oomph to push it up the hill.
18:20So...
18:22this isn't going to get any better, is it?
18:25Potentially not at the moment.
18:27But how would you ever resolve it on a permanent basis?
18:32I think so.
18:33I don't think there is another supply
18:36Fucking hell.
18:37All right.
18:38Thanks, mate.
18:39Thanks.
18:41Sorry, everybody.
18:43A thousand apologies for the disasters of today.
18:46We will resolve it.
18:48I will resolve it.
18:49I don't know how, but I will resolve these things.
18:53Sorry.
18:54Sorry.
18:55Sorry.
18:56Then Sue and Rachel said they wanted a word in the upstairs bar,
19:00and they didn't hold back.
19:03We are pubs and we know how to run pubs.
19:06We've done pubs forever.
19:07This building is not really fit for purpose.
19:11There are too many issues for us to run a successful business
19:15from this site with failing water, no toilets, no gas,
19:20leaking roofs, struggling staff.
19:23Everyone is exhausted, even when we say go for a break.
19:26There's no staff room.
19:27They're waiting in a port-a-loo.
19:28It's not lovely conditions.
19:30They love you and they love working here because of that,
19:33and they're excited about the British food and everything
19:35that this pub is, and they want to get behind it,
19:38but they're working 40-year-old days.
19:40It's going to wear off quickly, I would say.
19:41No, no.
19:42I have no problem with the staff.
19:44Not one single problem with the staff.
19:46They were all brilliant.
19:47They're smiley and they're nice.
19:48The kitchen is about to go pop.
19:50Those chefs have had it.
19:53It might be worth popping into the kitchen.
19:56I've just popped in.
19:57Oh, back.
19:58Well done, thank you.
19:59Go back.
20:00What?
20:01Go back would be my first.
20:02Well, do you want me to go and find a new manager
20:03or do you want me to go back into the kitchen?
20:05The former, I'd say.
20:06Or do you want me to get the leak mended?
20:07Okay, fine.
20:08Or do you want me to deal with the car parking issues?
20:09Yeah.
20:10Or do you want me to deal with the neighbours?
20:11Do you want me to deal with the council?
20:13I've got plenty to be doing and I'll get on with it.
20:16No probs.
20:17Come on, let's get on with it.
20:18We're on it.
20:22With no water for the indoor lavatories or for washing glasses,
20:26we couldn't continue to operate.
20:30So at 6pm we had to make the announcement.
20:33Ladies and gents, the pub's shut.
20:41I'm so sorry to let you down.
20:42It's okay.
20:43Goodbye, thanks for coming.
20:44Goodbye, thanks for coming.
20:47As the pub was emptying, Nick was ringing round,
20:51desperately trying to find more British meat for tomorrow.
20:5540kg of beef joint and 30kg of pork joint.
20:58Call it 40 of each.
21:00Does that work?
21:01Is that possible?
21:02Is that possible?
21:03And in his professional view,
21:05today's carvery catastrophe had uncovered deep flaws
21:09in my co-operative scheme.
21:12We're starting to see at this point where Jeremy's plan,
21:16albeit very, very well-meaning,
21:19his lack of knowledge to do with pubs,
21:21we can see where the supply chain for food is starting to crack
21:26and crack quite severely.
21:28What Jeremy doesn't understand is that there's a reason
21:31that food wholesalers exist.
21:33They pick up that slack in the supply chain
21:35between the grower and the end user.
21:37If we're dealing direct with a producer,
21:39there's a lag in terms of when they can dig the produce.
21:42They might not have it ready to harvest that week.
21:45Like, their beans might be two weeks off.
21:47A wholesaler would just go to somebody else.
21:51I was determined to prove Nick wrong on this point,
21:55but that would take time.
21:57In the here and now, I had to harvest water overnight
22:01when the village didn't need it,
22:03so that we could open on what we hoped
22:05would be a very busy bank holiday Sunday.
22:09.
22:10Yeah.
22:19Uh...
22:21Right, sitrep.
22:24Um, we're hanging on just.
22:27We've worked out if we shut the lavatories
22:30and use plastic glasses in the bar,
22:33rather than glass glasses that need washing up,
22:36will have enough water to serve food for six hours, 12 till 6,
22:41so we can do that.
22:43The next problem is Sue and Rachel, who brilliantly set the pub up,
22:48have now left, so it's a Sunday morning,
22:53and I've managed to get a new front-of-house person,
22:59who is the head of the sixth form at the local village school.
23:04So that's good.
23:06Good news here. It's loin of pork.
23:09Nick had also managed to find more meat,
23:12but instead of opening the carvery at 12 as advertised,
23:16he was now saying he wouldn't be ready to go until three.
23:23She's very well presented.
23:25Morning, Jeremy. How are you? Well.
23:27I'm not anymore. I'm not anymore.
23:30But, yeah, let's do that. If Squeezie stays in here with me,
23:33and then you work that with Catherine outside.
23:37Three o'clock.
23:39Can you help me to understand why?
23:42Because you've got people who've driven literally hundreds of miles.
23:46I'll run you from start to finish.
23:47At 7pm yesterday, the water ran out in this kitchen.
23:51I'm well aware of that, and we've mended it.
23:53And we've closed the lavatories,
23:54and we're using plastic glasses behind the bar so we don't have to wash up.
23:57This food is not prepared on the day.
24:01Vegetables are pre-blanched the previous night.
24:05Yeah.
24:06They are blanched using steamers.
24:07Yeah.
24:08And also cauliflower cheese is roasted off.
24:12Some Yorkshire puddings are made.
24:14They are done before.
24:15But they're made?
24:16We have some food.
24:18We don't have enough food for 450 cupboards.
24:21So you're just taking a three-hour service today, that's all you can manage?
24:24No.
24:25Three till six?
24:26It's not all I can manage.
24:28It's all the kitchen as it stands can manage.
24:31That's how this works.
24:33OK.
24:41Mercifully, Nick quickly worked out we could open at one,
24:45providing we ditched the time-consuming puddings.
24:49Where are we?
24:50Basically, we need to cook veg, we need to cook these courgettes,
24:53we need to heat up these potatoes.
24:55Yeah.
24:59There it! We are open.
25:00Yay!
25:02And this is Claire.
25:04She's the head of the sixth form at the local school.
25:06She's helping us out this morning with crowd control.
25:08And if you misbehave, she'll smack the back of your legs with a ruler, so...
25:12Detention for everybody.
25:13Yeah.
25:14With portion control now in place...
25:19We've got river beef, pork, you can have one of each, or beef, two pork.
25:24And with Mrs. Brown wrangling the crowds...
25:27Where are my twos that were happy to buddy up?
25:29Just give me one second, then I'll be with you.
25:31I'll see you, Mrs. Brown.
25:32Hello.
25:33Where's my family of five?
25:34We did manage to achieve our first trouble-free service.
25:38There we go.
25:41But there was no getting away from the fact that the opening weekend had been a disaster.
25:49As his cheerfulness was at pains to remind me.
25:53You know, just stepping back, you know, there might have been some things, you know,
25:57do you...
25:59Let's get through this next couple of days and then have a proper sit down on Tuesday.
26:03You know, they'll...
26:04But do you...
26:05You know, there...
26:06I mean, there's no point going over the hindsight now, but, you know, fundamentally,
26:10some people might say...
26:14It could have been a week or two too soon.
26:25Sorry, I'm not...
26:27I was going to say I'm multitasking, but I'm simply not listening to you.
26:30No, no.
26:31And I didn't even think I would say you're not listening to me, are you?
26:34Because...
26:35The answer was clear.
26:36Yeah.
26:37Erm...
26:38But, erm, I always said that when we open, you know, we're going to...
26:43It's going to start moving and then, you know, some bits will shake loose.
26:47But I hadn't kind of envisaged quite as many bits shaking loose quite as quickly.
26:51No, everything fell apart.
26:52Yes.
26:53Which...
26:54First day and yesterday.
26:55Absolute disasters.
26:56I never want to relive them.
27:00Oh, fuck.
27:01The pub hanging on by the skin of its teeth wasn't my only problem.
27:12Because a serious issue was also developing over at the farm.
27:16By now, at the tail end of August, we should have harvested the Durham pasta wheat, our most valuable crop.
27:25But because of the erratic weather, it was still sitting in the ground, losing its quality.
27:31It's up here, Mark, look. There's a tile missing there.
27:36So we continued to attend to the needs of the pub.
27:40If you could get that in, that would be fantastic.
27:43While waiting for a dry enough day to harvest.
27:4627.4 high.
27:49But a full two weeks later.
27:53When that day still hadn't arrived, I asked Charlie to come over for a crisis summit.
27:59I've told you again and again, you've got three qualities in the wheat which are paramount to make it milling and particularly for pasta.
28:09You've got the protein level, you've got the bushel weight, but the critical one is the Hagberg.
28:16And as that number, it's the Hagberg falling number, if we leave it there too long and that starts to drop, it's using up the seeds resources.
28:24So it won't make pasta?
28:25It won't make pasta.
28:2680 acres of that?
28:27Yeah.
28:28It's our most valuable crop.
28:29And has been the most valuable crop for the last few years, yeah.
28:33So this is looking bleak.
28:36Yeah.
28:37For the first time, you know how optimistic I am generally.
28:39No, I don't know that.
28:41Yeah.
28:43I'm not convinced.
28:45If we can get it out of the ground.
28:47Yeah.
28:48Get it over to the mill.
28:51Yeah, get it analysed.
28:52We will know, but we've got to get it up now.
28:55Correct.
28:56OK then, mate.
28:57It is moisture-o-meter.
29:00All right, mate.
29:01Hello.
29:02How are you?
29:03Want a seat?
29:04Grab this chair.
29:05What's the news?
29:06Oh, it's shit, isn't it?
29:07Just done a moisture test on the durum wheat.
29:0927.2.
29:1027.2?
29:11You bite it, yeah.
29:12It's like biting a jelly baby.
29:1527.2 is red high.
29:16Basically, you go into the river.
29:17Why don't you just run it under a tap?
29:18Yeah, just fill it up.
29:19And then establish that water's wet.
29:20How late...
29:21When was the last time anyone can remember harvest being this late?
29:26No, this is my latest.
29:27Yeah, but you're already four.
29:29Somebody told me it's 70 years since it was this late round here.
29:32So, this is late, on everybody's scale.
29:36Well, what are we going to do?
29:37So, should we combine it early to try and...
29:40Get that Hackberg.
29:41...stop the loss of Hackberg?
29:43Yeah, and then we pay the drying charges.
29:45And then we pay the drying charges.
29:46Why are we paying drying charges if it turns out to be animal food?
29:50Because you don't know where you are on that...
29:52Where you stand now.
29:53Yeah.
29:58In the end, we decided to harvest as soon as we could.
30:02But if we didn't want to break the combine,
30:05we'd still have to wait for the wheat to go from sodden
30:09to merely damp.
30:12Pass it like that.
30:13I wanted to pass the time in my bed, sleeping.
30:18Whoa!
30:19But there were other farm jobs to be done,
30:22like sending the next batch of pigs off to the abattoir.
30:26Come on, girls, on the lorry.
30:30Thank you for being pigs of Diggly Spot.
30:33Go on, Ed.
30:34Then it was time to make a decision I'd been dreading.
30:41The fate of Richard Hamm.
30:44What are we going to do with you?
30:48Hmm?
30:50The problem is, if he goes on the lorry, he's killed.
30:54And all we get in return is a chipolata and a pork chop the size of a walnut.
31:01If he stays here, we've got to feed him.
31:04For no reason.
31:06And that's not farming.
31:07But then I had an idea.
31:17Wait a minute.
31:21The next lot of sows, we're going to use artificial insemination on them
31:26to make them pregnant.
31:28But we can't do that until they get in heat.
31:31And they won't get in heat unless there's a man pig nearby.
31:38So why don't we keep him as the farm's man pig
31:43to get the ladies in the mood?
31:48He could be a fluffer.
31:52Richard Hamm, the fluffer pig.
31:54Having fun over there?
31:55What?
31:56Working hard?
31:57No, I've just made a good decision.
32:01Yeah?
32:02They say you'll like this.
32:03We're going to keep him.
32:05And he's going to be a fluffer.
32:08Okay.
32:09What's his farm come to?
32:10I don't know.
32:12Yes, good old Richard Hamm.
32:14He could be Hugh Hefner.
32:21Finally, it was D-Day.
32:25Turrum Wheat Day.
32:28Here we go.
32:32Jeremy, ready to unload.
32:35Jeremy, ready to unload?
32:39Studying, studying.
32:43Yeah, go for it.
32:48Right, I'm full. I'll get it back to the farm.
32:51Despite our anxieties about whether the pasta wheat would make the grade, we all cheered up when Diddly Squat's reserve combine driver turned up for his traditional shift.
33:05So, what?
33:06So, what?
33:07Talk us as the day we got after us.
33:08Get out here all day with the other try.
33:09It's been in a bigger storm still.
33:10So, what's that all about?
33:11I don't want to get in front of you.
33:12Turn it off mate, I'll come over there.
33:13There are certain annual events we all look forward to.
33:28I think there's Christmas, obviously, and there's Easter, and then there's the harvest.
33:34When we all get to hear Gerald talking on the radio from inside a combine, I actually prefer that to Christmas.
33:43I prefer it to almost anything.
34:02The harvest continued into the next day.
34:05But the suspense was killing me, so I had to break off, scoop up Charlie, and go to the mill with a sample of what we were harvesting to see if it was good enough to make pasta.
34:21So, we've got a bag of ergot.
34:23Durham with some ergot in it, yeah.
34:25So, that'll kill everyone who eats.
34:27Another thing, we keep quiet when we get to the mill.
34:29But it's the Hagberg, isn't it?
34:31Hagberg falling number, yeah.
34:32That's all we're interested in is the Hagberg.
34:35And what does it need to be?
34:37It needs to be over 250.
34:39And we needed our Durham wheat to make the grade more than ever, because Charlie had got the results in from all the other crops.
34:47And the news was not good.
34:50Yield-wise, below par.
34:53So, we haven't got as much as we wanted.
34:56But it's actually, so far, the barley and the milling wheat, all quality.
35:01All two ounces of them.
35:04Actually, I did not...
35:05We've got two ounces of very high-quality wheat, and an ounce of very high-quality barley is what we've got.
35:11Yeah, you're right.
35:12Can you imagine if you were a heart surgeon, and every operation you did was dependent upon the weather?
35:19Yeah, I mean...
35:20For its outcome, or anything. Anything.
35:22I mean, you wouldn't mind...
35:24Because we didn't do anything wrong. Nothing.
35:26Yeah.
35:36Oh, there's Bertie.
35:38Hi, Jeremy.
35:39Hi.
35:40How are you?
35:41How are you?
35:42Very good. Yeah, really good.
35:44Past a week.
35:45Yeah.
35:46Yeah.
35:47Has it got any Hagberg in it at all?
35:50When did you finish harvesting it?
35:51Uh...
35:52Tomorrow.
35:53They're out there now.
35:54Have you got it all in or not?
35:55No.
35:56No.
35:57They're getting it in now.
35:58Oh, right. Okay.
35:59Everything else is going wrong, so I'm assuming this will as well.
36:02That's negative.
36:03I think be positive.
36:04Positive ways.
36:05Be positive.
36:06Yeah.
36:07How long are you going to be?
36:08I think we'll be five minutes.
36:09All right.
36:10We'll get them tested.
36:11We'll cross our fingers.
36:12All right?
36:13All right.
36:14Thanks, Bertie.
36:15See you in a minute.
36:17Oh.
36:18This has not been a fun end to the farming year.
36:20I've got to be honest with you, Charlie.
36:22Well, this is quite a big swing on our bottom line at the year end.
36:25Well, it's £25,000 is riding on this test.
36:27Yes.
36:28Let's not forget, if it passes, I'd £25,000.
36:32Correct.
36:33I don't get it.
36:34You get it and spend it immediately.
36:37But if it fails, then I'm £25,000.
36:43I've got to give you £25,000 of my own money.
36:46Yeah.
36:47And it is mine.
36:49I know you're all going, isn't it?
36:50It's Amazon.
36:51It isn't.
36:52It's mine.
36:53It's yours.
36:54It's yours.
36:55Yeah.
36:56It's Diddly Squat Farm.
36:57We'll have to...
36:58Stump up.
36:59...fund the shortfall to fund next year's farming cycle.
37:02The five minutes turned into ten.
37:16But eventually, Bertie was back.
37:19OK.
37:22So, the reason I took so long is because we had to test it twice
37:27to get the Hagberg, and it's actually failed twice.
37:31Which means it's so low...
37:32What number was it?
37:33It doesn't even get a number because it failed the test.
37:35Oh.
37:36Which is pretty rare.
37:38As it stands, it's not going to be able to be milled.
37:42Um, which is a bit of a disaster.
37:44But we...
37:45Yeah.
37:46Fucking hell.
37:48I'm really sorry.
37:49Because we need it as well.
37:51I'll go.
37:52I'm just really disappointed.
37:53Yeah.
37:54I'm sorry.
37:55I'll go, isn't it?
37:58That's all right.
37:59Yeah.
38:00That's all right.
38:01Yeah.
38:02Right.
38:03Shall I tell him or shall you?
38:04Oh, my friend?
38:05What?
38:06I'm the Hagberg reading on the Durham.
38:07What was it?
38:08Didn't even read.
38:09What?
38:10Didn't even read.
38:11At all.
38:12What, was it a zero?
38:18Oh, a zero.
38:20What, man?
38:21It was about a zero.
38:22I was just like a zero.
38:23Oh.
38:24There I'm not going to be a seven-year-old.
38:25I'll go.
38:26Oh.
38:27I'm not going to be a seven-year-old.
38:28That's all right.
38:29I'm going to be a seven-year-old.
38:30I'm going to be a seven-year-old.
38:31I'm going to be a seven-year-old.
38:32Do it.
38:33Howe?
38:34And then, it's coming for me.
38:35There it is.
38:36It's coming for the eight-year-old.
38:37You got to be a seven-year-old.
38:38Ah, don't you have to be a eight-year-old.
38:39What, she was a zero?
38:41Yeah. Just didn't even register.
38:43Fucking hell.
38:48No! Fuck.
38:51I mean, that's 25 grand a hit.
38:54It's not one thing, it's another.
38:56I know, he's just harvesting shit now, look.
39:09Only for harvesting. At least the sun's shining.
39:17Oh, fuck.
39:23Tragically, we were not the only ones to be kicked in the teeth like this.
39:30Just about every farmer in the country was reeling,
39:34because 2024 had been an absolute monster.
39:47I've never done anything like this, it's biblical.
39:49The winter crops, they're turning yellow,
39:51and they're drowning in the field.
39:53So if this rain doesn't stop in the next two weeks,
39:55we'll have 2,000 acres of bare fields.
40:00This year, the yield has been one of the worst in living memories.
40:04September was the wettest, and those records go back to 1836.
40:08The new report says it is set to see
40:09one of the worst harvests since records began.
40:13People are selling their combines
40:14because they're not going to have anything to cut.
40:19As I'm always at pains to point out,
40:22I don't rely on my farm for an income.
40:25But even so,
40:27it's pretty soul-destroying to work so hard.
40:30And simply, because of the weather, make a loss.
40:39However, I then remembered something Simon had said
40:43during one of our woeful harvesting days.
40:46The thing you have to learn about being a farmer,
40:50do you know what I mean, is that if you want to preserve
40:52a modicum of sanity, you don't ask questions
40:56that you don't want to know the answers to.
40:58Just concentrate on next year's potential.
41:02This mantra of stoic optimism
41:05is what keeps the farmers going.
41:08Fighting the odds, rolling with the blows,
41:10doing what they do
41:13to make food.
41:15Beef, lamb, geese, turkeys.
41:18Pigs.
41:20Potatoes, soft food.
41:22And it's a mantra I realised I'd have to adopt.
41:27You keep going
41:29because you believe next year
41:31couldn't possibly be any worse.
41:33For now though, the diddly squat family had earned its right
41:44for an end of season lunch.
41:46And this year, we had our own pub for that.
41:50Are you waiting boys?
41:52What can I get you?
41:54Sadly however, we couldn't relax there because
41:57although it was now working reasonably well,
42:00there was always something to do.
42:02Oh dear God, that doesn't sound good.
42:05Something to mend.
42:07No, I know, I know.
42:08But the heat dump's not working over it there either.
42:11Something to worry about.
42:13The valley means where two roofs live?
42:15Yes, yes.
42:16How much will it be?
42:17Oh, I hate that. It's going to cost three grand at least.
42:19You know the guy who fell over yesterday?
42:22Yeah? Please tell me he's not suing.
42:24No, no, no, no. He came out of surgery at 8.30 last night.
42:28But he's, we've put his ankle back together.
42:32So we went to someone else's pub instead.
42:37There's probably chaos in the kitchen.
42:39I don't care.
42:41They're probably running out of water.
42:43I don't care, thank you.
42:44When did you realise this?
42:45Oh, God.
42:48Okay, it hasn't been the smoothest of openings.
42:51We can all agree on that.
42:52Well, you've been a genius at getting the tent working well,
42:54but the pub's been tricky.
42:57But it's there now.
42:59Yeah.
43:00Well done, everybody.
43:01We did it.
43:02Yeah.
43:03To the farmer's dog.
43:04To the farmer's dog.
43:05To the farmer's dog.
43:06Brilliant.
43:07And the farmers.
43:08Yes.
43:09The farmers will support it.
43:10Long racey floats.
43:11Right, I'm tucking in, I'm starving.
43:13Oh, Christ, it's not British, is it?
43:15Look, prawns, they'll be from India.
43:17Just for one day, let's just...
43:18Okay, one day we'll eat foreign food.
43:19Just one day, please.
43:20The white bait might be.
43:22You have to eat the guts of the white bait.
43:23Yeah, you just eat everything.
43:24Just...
43:25And the guts.
43:29What's the matter?
43:31Fishy, isn't it?
43:34The white bait, the white bait's fishy.
43:36Did you see what I won Sunday evening, guys?
43:38What?
43:39Did you see what I won Sunday evening?
43:41What does it say?
43:42Walling...
43:43Oh!
43:44No way!
43:45First prize.
43:46You've won a walling competition.
43:47Yeah.
43:48Never mind UEFA.
43:50Never mind the Six Nations.
43:53Gerald Cooper!
43:57Thank you very much.
44:00We then moved on to a more sobering topic.
44:03Because the whole time Alan had been working flat out on the pub,
44:08he'd been waiting for some major heart surgery.
44:12Oh, you're in next Tuesday?
44:13Yeah, we're in next Tuesday at the hospital.
44:15Quadruple bypass coming.
44:19And they've got a test for stroke likelihood as well.
44:22You know last year?
44:23Yes.
44:25It was him, wasn't it?
44:26Yeah.
44:27Because you got yourself better.
44:29Yeah, he has.
44:30So we're ending this year...
44:31I know.
44:33...with our fingers crossed that you're operational.
44:34Yeah, it's pretty routine these days, isn't it?
44:37It is routine, but you must be scared of that.
44:39I'm afraid to death.
44:40I don't even like thinking about it.
44:41So that's why I keep going to work.
44:42Keep out of the way.
44:44They told me, really, just take it easy and stay at home.
44:46But if you stay at home, you'll be worrying to death about it.
44:48Of course, it's all you think about, yeah.
44:50Well, listen, Alan.
44:51Yeah, I know.
44:53Yeah.
44:54We'll be all right, won't we?
44:55Best of luck.
44:56Yeah.
44:57Best of luck to Alan.
44:58If you don't get better.
44:59We'll come through.
45:00Because we couldn't have got that pub open without you.
45:02No.
45:03And we'll name a wing after you.
45:05Oh.
45:06I mean, I'm not saying when you...
45:08I'm not saying if it goes wrong, we'll name a wing after you.
45:09No, no, no.
45:10Oh, no, please.
45:11We'll name a wing after you anyway.
45:12We'll have the Alan Townsend wing.
45:13How about that, then, Gerald?
45:15We've got Gerald's Wood.
45:17Yeah.
45:18But we'll have the Alan Townsend wing.
45:20Yeah.
45:21Yeah, brilliant.
45:22We've got a foot pump, I'll bring him round, don't worry.
45:25A foot pump?
45:26A foot pump?
45:27A foot pump?
45:28Yeah.
45:29Get the old foot pump on him.
45:30I'll put some air back into him.
45:31That'd be nice.
45:32That'd be nice.
45:33Thanks, Gerald.
45:34That'd be fairly nice, right?
45:35If he starts deflating, I'll pump him back up, don't worry.
45:38You know what?
45:39Stop.
45:40What is up with him?
45:47When you're alone
45:49And life is making you lonely
45:51You can't always go
45:54Downtown
45:55Downtown
45:56When you've got worries
45:57All the noise and the hurry
45:59Seems to help, I know
46:02Downtown
46:03Just listen to the music
46:05Of the traffic in the city
46:07Linger on the sidewalk
46:09Where the neon signs are pretty
46:11How can you lose?
46:14The lights are much brighter there
46:17You can't forget all your troubles
46:19Forget all your cares
46:21So go
46:22Downtown
46:23Things will be great
46:25When you're Downtown
46:27No quieter place for sure
46:29Downtown
46:31Everything's waiting for you
46:34Downtown
46:38Downtown
46:40Downtown
46:41Downtown
46:42Downtown
46:43Downtown
46:44Downtown
46:46Downtown
46:47And you may find somebody kind
46:51To help and understand you
46:53Someone who is just like you
46:54Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to guide them along
47:00So maybe I'll see you there
47:04We can't forget all our troubles, forget all our cares
47:08So go downtown, things will be great when you're downtown
47:14Don't wait a minute more, downtown
47:18Everything's waiting for you
47:24Downtown
47:25Downtown
47:27Downtown
47:29Downtown
47:31Downtown
47:33Downtown
47:35Downtown