Chris AKA Akewsticrockr's only Video Game Parody. He did around 3 Video Game Reviews, including "Dash Galaxy & The Alien Asylum", then quit and did Guitar and review stuff around 2007.
00:00The first Ninja Turtles game is undoubtedly the creation of a very low intelligence group of people.
00:19And it's an extremely frustrating experience to navigate.
00:22I didn't think it deserved all the bad PR that it got until I actually went back and played it again.
00:28I haven't done it since I was a child.
00:30I absolutely loved the other Ninja Turtles games, which were better in almost every way.
00:35In fact, those games were a blessing from on high compared to this poop load of crap created by the servants of Satan.
00:41But what exactly makes this game more haunting than The Exorcist?
00:45Ah, well, where does one begin?
00:48How the sex am I supposed to get up there? What the sex is this, poop?
00:52Come on! Get over here, you useless heathen!
00:55It's time to go back to hell where you came from, you sex and spawn of the devil himself!
00:59Oh, that's great!
01:01I came the whole way up through this sex and room, losing life and patience just for a piece of pizza!
01:06Son of an unwed mother!
01:08I hate this poop!
01:09Ultra games, huh? More like ultra lame!
01:12How about the fact that really only two of the turtles are any use at all?
01:17That's right!
01:18Leo and Don are the only two characters you should ever bother using because Mike and Raf's weapons are so small that they're more useless than Marilyn Manson's autograph.
01:27You wanna know something seriously sexed up?
01:30Anyway, anybody who's watched the cartoon at all can tell you this.
01:34The turtles live in the sewer.
01:36Let me ask you this, have you ever heard of a turtle that couldn't swim?
01:40These turtles live in the freaking sewer and they can't survive if they fall in the water?
01:45What a crap load of poop!
01:47They're not Teenage Mutant Ninja Tortoises!
01:50Turtles can friggin' swim, you ****s!
01:53I'd like to meet the creators of this piece of garbage so I can smash in their faces with an animal biology book.
01:58Then while they're lying there clutching their broken noses, I'll drop the book on their chests and say,
02:03There, buttholes! That's for the sex and sewer!
02:06Turtles, they can't friggin' swim!
02:09Would you make a game where you're a bird that can't fly? No?
02:13Then what's the excuse for this?
02:15Oh, and here's the best part of all.
02:18There's a swimming level!
02:20So you're telling me a turtle can swim all over underwater not taking a breath and deactivating friggin' bombs that'll blow up a dam,
02:28but if they fall in four feet of water they're just screwed?
02:31Idiot heathen programmers!
02:34Wasn't this game supposed to be for kids?
02:36Little children who loved the Ninja Turtles growing up?
02:40This game is impossible!
02:43Like, I've played it cheating and I've barely gotten anywhere.
02:46I've gotten to the last level, but...
02:49What a piece of poop!
02:55And another thing that really upsets me...
02:58You don't ever get your health given back to you.
03:02Every single level that you go through, you're stuck with the turtles having the same life, which is absolute crap.
03:09Because, you know, if you're not good, if you don't have save states like I did on my emulator and you get hit too many times and there's not enough pizza for you to recharge your turtles, you're screwed way back from the beginning.
03:20This game is so unbalanced and unfair, and as if the challenge of the game isn't even enough, the fact that they just totally botched the license on this game.
03:31I mean, occasionally you see foot soldiers, but for the most part, it's balloons dropping missiles on you and these weird butt-yellow pokey things that float toward you and this man who's made of fire and this guy walking around with a chainsaw.
03:44None of those people were on that Ninja Turtles cartoon, so I don't know where they came up with that crap, but...
03:50What a poop load of sex.
03:52Cowabunga, dude!
03:55Cow-a-freaking-piece-a-dog poop! This game is diarrhea coming out of my urethra!
04:00Shredders my butt and splinters my testicles.
04:03It's sexin' sucks, it's suckin' sex, it's a piece of poop!
04:07And I don't like it.
04:14Another thing that seriously pisses...
04:19Another thing about this game that seriously grinds my gears is the fact that you can't predict what enemies are gonna be coming.
04:27You can jump into a little tiny part of the screen that's like...
04:31You know, you have six inches between you and the wall, but you can't see that six inches, and somehow, in that space, they spawn a new guy who knocks you out of the air and knocks you down into the water.
04:41It's like there's no way for you to prepare for it.
04:47What a piece of shit.
04:49And as if somehow that wasn't enough...
04:54What a sexin' piece of crap.
04:57It freakin' sucks, it's suckin' freaks!
05:00Wait...
05:02It's sex...
05:04It's...
05:05I would rather eat...
05:06What a sexin' piece!
05:07I have no sixth rig子 but easily eat.
05:08I have no infantry means that I have no time to eat.
