In this parody of the sword and sorcery films, a princess is deposed by an evil sorcerer. She enlists the aid of Deathstalker to battle the forces of evil, including a clone of the princess, and win back her kingdom.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:19So where she keeps it
00:00:30I
00:01:00Oh
00:01:30Oh
00:02:00I
00:02:15Don't have my revenge and death stalker, too
00:02:30So
00:03:00So
00:03:30I
00:03:52Quiet or you'll eat steel for dinner
00:03:55You've eaten everything else shut up you little wench this town's got no room for beggars I
00:04:03Am NOT a beggar. I'm a seer even the king knows that all too well girl
00:04:08You're lucky to get away with your life
00:04:10Look his highness asked for a prophecy and that's what he got
00:04:13In my kingdom a man would delight to learn his wife would sue me with child, but not by another man a Marco
00:04:20I see him good or bad
00:04:23Even I can predict what's gonna happen to you. Give me a break
00:04:26How's an oracle supposed to make a living the king wants you off the castle grounds now?
00:04:31You can't treat me like this. I'm a princess
00:04:34Right, right. I'm Merlin the magician. Yeah, I'll be off with you princess of beggars
00:04:41You'll be sorry. You're the one that's gonna be sorry. Let's get her
00:04:50Oh
00:04:53The hell are you
00:04:55Ordinarily, I don't mind seeing a woman get a good beating if she deserves it. Yeah
00:04:59But this doesn't look like much of a contest to me. You picked the wrong town to stop in stranger
00:05:06He's gonna stop here permanent. You know who we are
00:05:11Village idiot the two runners up
00:05:19I
00:05:28Take it easy, I don't even know these guys
00:05:46Hi
00:05:48Well
00:06:19I
00:06:30Got a nice big room upstairs
00:06:37What do you say the three of us I need to talk to you wine forms of the right you gotta help me
00:06:44One rescue a day. That's my policy
00:06:48It's a matter of life and death
00:06:50Do the words walk east till your head floats mean anything to you? Hey you princess
00:06:55I thought we told you to get out of town
00:07:18I
00:07:48I
00:08:18I
00:08:48Get out of here
00:09:18I
00:09:48I
00:10:18I
00:10:21You're good
00:10:22Helps in my line of work. What line of work is that? Oh
00:10:26I like to call it the wealth redistribution business. Oh, so you robbed from the rich and give to the poor
00:10:32No, I robbed from the rich and pretty much keep it. Do you think we lost him?
00:10:38You got to get up pretty early in the morning to catch the Prince of Thieves
00:10:43It is pretty early in the morning
00:10:46Yeah
00:11:03Hold it
00:11:16Yeah, I think we finally lost them
00:11:23Starving here just a second. Haven't had a thing to eat since last night at the booze
00:11:32Here try it it's my specialty. Oh specialty, huh?
00:11:38Like it
00:11:40Mm-hmm
00:11:51Thank you, that was great great boy, you must have really been hungry. Mm-hmm more. Oh
00:11:58No
00:11:59Couldn't eat another bite. Couldn't eat another bite. I know I kind of messed things up for you before
00:12:03I
00:12:08Just struck me funny
00:12:10But I'm willing to make it up to you. I'm listening. I can tell your future
00:12:15No, really. I'm a seer. It's a gift. I've had since childhood
00:12:20Okay, things can't get much worse. I guess shoot
00:12:25Spirits of tomorrow hear my call
00:12:28I
00:12:33Want to keep that to a minimum I see you embarking on a heroic quest
00:12:37It shall become legend and storytellers shall recount your many exploits down through the ages
00:12:43Well, I sure hope they get my name, right an image is coming to me
00:12:48Yes, I see it so clear a young woman
00:12:53No a princess a princess she rich she's calling to you help me
00:13:00Help me Deathstalker. Only you can save me. She's in trouble. Oh big trouble a matter of life or death
00:13:11What I see someone else dark and evil
00:13:16This is bad. This is real bad. The princess is being imprisoned by Jarek
00:13:22evil sorcerer
00:13:24Are there any other kind?
00:13:26He's also a great swordsman even greater than Deathstalker
00:13:30Better than me wait
00:13:33He's laughing at you. Come and get me Deathstalker if you dare
00:13:39What the sorcerer where do I find him in the land of Jafir?
00:13:44Where the hell is that? Oh, it's a long and perilous journey
00:13:48Many dangers witches dragons ogres must cut down on the tourist trade
00:13:54You shall confront them all emerge victorious and reap a fabulous reward
00:13:59The all-seeing eye never lies
00:14:03And this is gonna get me into the legends right up there with Conan. Oh
00:14:11Whoa
00:14:13Huh, sorry
00:14:15You're right. Yes. What about the reward when I know more you know more
00:14:21Well that settles it then I'm out of here
00:14:24Where you going?
00:14:26Let's go
00:14:27Not getting any younger, you know go
00:14:30to Jafir now
00:14:32You got it sis
00:14:34Wait a minute. Well, wait a minute
00:14:37There's still more soup
00:14:43Oh
00:14:55Next
00:14:59Have you found the princess yet? I'm working on it. She won't get far
00:15:03a
00:15:11Wave pretending to be a princess who would believe it. Why don't you just kill her?
00:15:20Evie darling, we've gone over this a dozen times before I
00:15:26Created you from the original soul of the princess an exact duplicate in all respects
00:15:32Fortunately, I haven't had time to work out the bugs
00:15:37In other words if she dies
00:15:41You die
00:15:42But once I've made a few minor adjustments in the formula, I can duplicate anyone then eliminate the original now, my dear
00:15:49Please run along these brief practice sessions are the only leisure. I allow myself and
00:15:55I enjoy them so much more alone
00:16:01I'll be in my chamber waiting as you wish my dear as you wish
00:16:08Next
00:16:13Sultana
00:16:15You know how I hate standing in line
00:16:18Look marvelous
00:16:19Lovely as a rose we can dispense with the pleasantries if you don't mind
00:16:24After what you've done to me, I'd hardly call this visit a pleasure. Whatever. Do you mean my dear?
00:16:29You never would have been able to put that little blonde bitch of yours up on the throne without my help
00:16:34Let alone get rid of the real one. You were paid handsomely. I did not come here to bicker with you. Jeric
00:16:40My dear, I have a proposition for you. You wish to have the princess Evie returned to you
00:16:45I wish to settle a score with a certain varlet who is escorting her back here
00:16:49I have a man shadowing them now doubtless. You'll remember chin the buccaneer
00:16:54Chin the one eye the man's a second-rate amateur in any event. He will assist him
00:17:00Evie is mine and the meddler death stalker
00:17:04death stalker Oh
00:17:07Very well. He's yours. Enjoy done
00:17:12Always a pleasure Sultana likewise, I'm sure next
00:17:24Oh
00:17:44Which way Oh mighty Oracle, why did they call you the Prince of Thieves?
00:17:50Some the best but you're not a
00:17:54Which way?
00:17:55the West Road
00:17:57Are you sure? Absolutely the crystal ball never lets me down the West Road
00:18:03sure
00:18:05West Road
00:18:07If you had the chance to marry a real princess, would you do it? No, I wouldn't
00:18:13Because being a princess brings out the worst
00:18:16Always whining and pouting and acting like a spoiled little brat if they don't get their own way
00:18:24I
00:18:36Give it to me chin. What do you got that stalkers as good as in the grave look sailor
00:18:41Don't carve a tombstone so readily
00:18:44He has as many lives as a cat and remember the last one belongs to me
00:18:50If he's made of flesh and blood he can die never underestimate the strength of an enemy
00:18:56Especially an accomplished fighter like stalker you telling me how to do my job Sultana
00:19:03Well, keep it to yourself I'll bring stalker to you on a platter like a piece of raw meat. Oh, yeah
00:19:10Yeah, I've got just the butchers to do it
00:19:13Say hello to crazy Otto Reingold the mad Prussian solely responsible for the Lemurian massacres that killed hundreds and left thousands
00:19:21Homeless, I'm sure you'll recognize Ed the Hedge Shemansky five years on the Genghis Khan strike force part-time consultant to Attila the Han
00:19:29Next John the Baptist Bombasso drownings a specialty beside him Nick the Crippler of Kashmir
00:19:36I think his name says it all
00:19:39And last but not least a real fine buddy footstool Rosa only recently dismissed by Ivan the terrible for excessive
00:19:47brutality
00:19:50Still skeptical you bet I am
00:19:55Suit yourself
00:19:57Come on boys
00:19:59Oh
00:20:07Okay, man, let him have it
00:20:17Most men but don't kill not yet
00:20:29I
00:21:00I
00:21:12Think we better find another way. Oh, really you think so West Road, right?
00:21:21You tell me you're the seer whether trying to kill us somebody get the lady a cigar
00:21:28Look they were trying to kill us. They could have done it way back down the road. No, they're they're after something
00:21:34You sure you're telling me everything. I told you it was gonna be a long and perilous journey, didn't I?
00:21:39Yeah, yeah, which is ogres all that bad stuff
00:21:48You and your visions
00:21:53Anything come in handy
00:21:57Where you going just stay put I want to help done plenty already
00:22:09That'll be fine boys save your arrows
00:22:27I
00:22:57I
00:23:27I
00:23:57Oh
00:24:09Throw your sword down or I'll cut her pretty little throat. Go ahead. Got it
00:24:24Now what I do a thing like that
00:24:27Come on, let's go find that horse and get the hell out of here
00:24:30Oh, and would you mind taking that knife out of that guy for me? It's the only one I got left
00:24:57You're back minus the fearless five
00:25:01You should have listened to me. You want a bitch bitch to Jared. I'm calling him right now
00:25:05I
00:25:24Hate bad news. It spoils my day. I got an idea
00:25:31I'll kill that son of a bitch if it kills me
00:25:35Oh
00:25:53So long sailor
00:26:06Ah
00:26:11Well, look what we have here pookie, huh? Yeah
00:26:24Stalker I
00:26:25Still don't understand why you want to break in there because we're broke. That's why what's that got to do with anything?
00:26:33That's a family mausoleum
00:26:35There are probably
00:26:37More jewels in there than we could carry out
00:26:40You're about to become a very rich woman. I was just starting to enjoy poverty. Come on. Where's your sense of adventure?
00:26:48This is an adventure. It's just damn scary. Yeah, but when legends told I want people to think we face this brave
00:26:57When the legends told nobody's gonna believe we were this stupid
00:27:01I
00:27:05Heard somewhere it was bad like to walk over grave. I heard it was only the open
00:27:11Wait a minute, I
00:27:13Just remembered my hat. I left the door unlocked. We got to go back. You don't have a door. I don't oh
00:27:22Yeah
00:27:25What was that
00:27:29The wind it should get oiled it came from in there
00:27:34You bet it did
00:27:37Sucker, you're not really going in there
00:27:47Don't go in there. It's dark. Look relax. Oh, yeah
00:27:54Oh, come on in what are you waiting for? Oh, come on, it's a little smelly but what could happen
00:28:25You
00:28:49You know
00:28:52Grave robbing is not only morally repulsive, but I believe it carries a rather stiff penalty in these parts
00:28:59Who the hell are you forgive me for not introducing myself properly, but I assumed a person with even your limited deductive powers could have guessed
00:29:21I
00:29:41Offer you my hand sir, but it's both tiring and inconvenient to be at two places at once
00:29:48Even for a sorcerer, so if you'll be so good as to excuse me
00:29:52I have a rather pressing engagement to attend to and oh, by the way, I've arranged one for you as well
00:30:12The old crushing wall routine, huh?
00:30:17I
00:30:42Got a secret lever in here someplace
00:30:47I
00:31:17I
00:31:47Leave you alone five minutes
00:32:17You
00:32:28Don't you know another tune
00:32:47I
00:32:49You
00:33:16Come
00:33:19I won't bite
00:33:50You
00:34:02Yes, I'm funny's going on here
00:34:05First we get attacked by bandits
00:34:07Then those damn zombies. What's next? Don't answer that
00:34:13Every time it's like they're waiting for us
00:34:16It's jerk guys playing for keeps I told you the path would be filled with perils. Yeah
00:34:22We can forget the legend if you want to there's still time to turn back a ward still up for grabs in it
00:34:28Uh-huh, who said anything about turning back?
00:34:31Not me
00:34:35Here it's like you could use this
00:34:39What are you gonna use fire won't last but a few more minutes, I'll be all right
00:34:45Sure, there's plenty of blanket here
00:35:05Isn't it cozy
00:35:07Yeah stalker, hmm, is that your sword or are you just happy to see me?
00:35:15Well, what's the old crystal ball say about this one just follow the road to Bagot turn west at a tree that looks like a rock
00:35:22Where you cross a dry riverbed where the water is most shallow
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01:05:56Still ready for that demonstration?
01:05:58Spoken like a true gallant
01:06:00And soon to be a legend
01:06:02But not a living one
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