Best Funny Monments of How I Met Your Mother - 50-59
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00:00What's wrong?
00:01Ted's embarrassed. He thought this was a date.
00:04Ted thought this was a date.
00:06Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?
00:09What?
00:09You're not allowed to date a patient. It's an AMA rule.
00:12She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
00:14She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
00:17She's not allowed to date...
00:18Yeah, I got it.
00:19We all got it. Ted's a schmuck.
00:22But look, I don't even know if I'll like bacon.
00:30What do you think?
00:36I have seen the face of God.
00:38If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
00:42What suit?
00:43Ding dong. Oh, what's that? The doorbell?
00:48That's the suit I'm talking about.
00:50I haven't gotten to the door yet.
00:51Oh, okay. Let me know when you get there.
00:54Okay, I opened it, and there's a suit there.
00:57That's the suit I'm talking about.
00:59Barney?
00:59This isn't Barney.
01:01But I hear that guy's awesome.
01:03I hate Barney Stinson!
01:05Me too!
01:08How could you, Mom?
01:09You had the map to heaven, and you never showed me the way.
01:13May you rot in the baconless hell that I've lived in my entire life.
01:16What in God's name are you talking about?
01:20Acting rule number eight.
01:21Don't be afraid to get physical.
01:25Ow!
01:26You know damn well what I'm talking about.
01:28No, I don't.
01:29Yes, you do.
01:31And by God, I'll hear you say it.
01:34Scoundrel!
01:35Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture.
01:37Thank you!
01:39That was a close one.
01:40You think you'll actually let it go?
01:42Tell people what?
01:43Tell people what?
01:44Tell people what?
01:45Tell people what?
01:45Tell people...
01:46There's a black Nissan stanza in the parking lot with its lights on.
01:51Tell people what?
01:52Tell people what?
01:53This isn't right.
02:06God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.
02:08Max, you're great.
02:12You're the old lady on the rascal.
02:14This isn't a race.
02:14Do you ever read my blog?
02:17It's gotten a lot better.
02:19Who is this Barney?
02:21Oh, he's just this guy we know who has like a really lame blog.
02:24I hear it's getting better.
02:26Are you sure they saw us?
02:28A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman.
02:33You had a crush on him for a couple weeks.
02:35I was Ted's best friend for seven years.
02:37Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
02:39Seven years!
02:41It's not a big deal.
02:43I'll just take it home and put it somewhere safe.
02:46Okay, just walking down the street with some money in my pocket.
02:50Don't touch the money.
02:52It's so obvious.
02:52Just be cool.
02:54Oh, no.
02:56The baby's on to me.
02:58Babies can smell money.
02:59Everyone knows that.
03:00I'm carrying a lot of money.
03:03I have 40 hours left on my community service.
03:06And now I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip.
03:12Volunteer of the year!
03:15Lily, what are you doing here?
03:17Oh, I'm here to give Marshall something.
03:19Ah, here to give him something.
03:22Gotcha.
03:23Nice.
03:23Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.
03:25Can I just give it to you?
03:26Sure.
03:27Okay.
03:29And then you'll give it to him?
03:31Hey, oh, hey.
03:32I don't know about all that.
03:34I mean, yours would have to be really good.
03:36What are you talking about?
03:37What are you talking about?
03:39What are you talking about?
03:40This is an honor you will take with you to your grave.
03:43On your tombstone, it will read Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, slapbed commissioner.
03:49And your tombstone will read God slapped by Marshall so hard he died.
03:54Instead of stuffing, I'm going to fill the turkey with a slightly smaller turkey.
04:01It's called a turturkey key.
04:03A turturkey key?
04:05Uh-oh-oh-oh.
04:07Oh, God.
04:09Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
04:12Come on, Daddy.
04:14Break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
04:16Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.
04:21I'll be right there.
04:23You know, I...
04:25Oh, Ted, how could you?
04:31Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, and you're still the stupidest person
04:36at this table.
04:37Okay, Lily, let's be honest.
04:39We both know your real motivation here.
04:41You hate Karen because she lingered.
04:44You son of a bitch.
04:46Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly, kids, for I am just a docile house cat now.
04:56Meow.
04:58You wrap yourself in a comforter's stuff with rabbit hair.
05:00I'll wrap myself in one stuff with duck feathers.
05:04Who's cosier?
05:05No, no, no, no, no, no.
05:07Feathers cosier!
05:09Hold on, I have to get another book.
05:11You know what, Marshall?
05:20Why don't you have a baby with your dad?
05:21Oh, okay, Lily, why don't you have a baby with your butt?
05:26What?
05:28I can't think straight!
05:30Why do you have to wear that shirt?
05:31This is not how I thought this thing was going to go!
05:38Hey, what's she singing?
05:39Oh, just a little ditty I wrote about how many girls Barney's been banging lately.
05:42Well, count me in for a verse.
05:43Great!
05:56Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for booty is near?
06:02True story.
06:03Une histoire vraie.
06:06You want to make God laugh?
06:08Tell him your plans, right?
06:09What is wrong with you?
06:14Barney, do you have to bite your nails so loud?
06:16I'm not biting my nails.
06:18I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my fingertips.
06:21Fine.
06:22You want it to be a chain of screaming?
06:23It's a chain of screaming.
06:24I came up with a circle idea halfway through
06:26because I thought it was a more elegant metaphor,
06:28but fine, ruin it.
06:30You guys always undermine me
06:31when I'm trying to make a point
06:33and I'm sick of it.
06:34God!
06:35I'm surrounded by idiots!
06:37Idiots!
06:38The first time Barney expresses feelings for a girl
06:41and she rejects him?
06:43And not just any girl.
06:44I mean...
06:45It'll destroy him.
06:49Okay.
06:50Well, first of all...
06:54And...
06:55Second of all...
06:56I'm in that sweet spot
06:58where the Chestel area knows I'm pregnant
07:00but hasn't told the downstairs neighbors.
07:02What are you waiting for, Lil?
07:04Bust him out!
07:05Make him dance!
07:05No!
07:06Let your boobies show!
07:12Le jeu commence.
07:15Je m'appelle...
07:16Marshall.
07:18So, boogie boarding.
07:23Boogie boarding.
07:24Hire a cute assistant
07:25that you can sleep with
07:27but instead you hire a cute assistant
07:28that Robin can sleep with
07:29and of course he's gonna sleep with her.
07:31Ted, look at her.
07:31She's the greatest woman on the planet.
07:33I'm getting off topic.
07:34You're an idiot.
07:35That's my message.
07:36You're an idiot!
07:39No.
07:41One person storming off isn't enough.
07:43Marshall, storm off with me!
07:44So, there really is a sex tape.
08:00Just know this.
08:01When I step up to make my toast
08:03as your best man...
08:05Actually, Marshall would probably be...
08:05As your best man!
08:08Ladies and gentlemen,
08:10I...
08:11had dibs.
08:13No!
08:16Tell me this isn't true.
08:17I...
08:17I had implied dibs.
08:20Oh!
08:21You know, you humiliated me.
08:23You're not going to that show tonight.
08:24Oh, yes I am.
08:26And you know what else?
08:26Tonight, after the show,
08:28Simon and I are going all the way.
08:30Young lady, get back here!
08:33Thanks for your help.
08:36Hey, so today at work...
08:37Not now, Ted!
08:40Barney.
08:41Straight up, Lily.
08:42I'm still mad at you for...
08:44something.
08:45And for that other thing.
08:47Look, I'm sorry.
08:48I hurt your feelings.
08:50But let's be honest.
08:51You've been super sensitive lately.
08:53No, I haven't.
08:55God, how can you say that?
08:57We've had unprotected sex
08:58203 times in the past four months.
09:02Obviously, I'm the problem.
09:04Problem?
09:05You can't get a girl pregnant.
09:07That's the dream.
09:08I'd give my firstborn
09:09to not be able to have children.
09:12Hey, Erickson.
09:13Please, sir.
09:15May I have some more pants?
09:16More pants.
09:33That's it?
09:34That's the whole story?
09:35Dude, dude, dude, look!
09:37Blonde girl heading over to Robin right now.
09:38We are go.
09:39I don't know what to do with my hands.
09:41What do I normally do with my hands?
09:44Dude, Carl's gonna kill us
09:46if we don't take everyone out of here right now.
09:53Barney, I'm serious.
09:54We promised we wouldn't mess the place up.
10:01All right, I guess you have a point.
10:02Did GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian?
10:05No.
10:05Technically, they were eggs.
10:08Did you just say eggs?
10:09I don't recall saying eggs.
10:11Don't you get it, Ted?
10:12We are tearing down the Arcadian.
10:14Either way, it's a stupid, old, piece of crap,
10:17run-down, snake-infested dump.
10:19Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?
10:20Don't mention snakes!
10:22And stop shouting your scaring cottontail.
10:26You named the rabbit?
10:27You took longer to get her than I thought.
10:29We bonded.
10:30I'm keeping her.
10:31Not good enough.
10:33Not good enough!
10:35Woo!
10:37Woo-hoo!
10:40Woo!
10:41Woo-hoo!
10:42Woo!
10:44Oh, yeah!
10:46Oh, yeah!
10:47Oh, yeah!
10:49Oh, yeah!
10:51Oh, yeah!
10:53So which one, A or B?
10:55Marshall, this is an intervention.
10:59It's about the hat.
11:01Dear Marshall,
11:02I do not like that stupid hat.
11:06I want to beat it with a bat.
11:09Or maybe stab it with a fork.
11:11It makes you look like such a dork.
11:14Listen.
11:15Listen to the stories the stones are telling you.
11:20And pick up my dry cleaning.
11:22I will.
11:23Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.
11:26Hey, Ted.
11:30This table just told me you're a douche.
11:34Please only call me that from now on.
11:37Call you what?
11:39You know, it's that new name that you've been calling me.
11:43Say it.
11:45Why?
11:45You guys know what it is.
11:47Say the name.
11:47No, I don't want to.
11:51I hate it.
11:52I hate it.
11:53It's not funny.
11:54It's never been funny.
11:55I've never done any.
11:57No!
11:58While you figure it out at home,
12:00how about we sing you a song about our beavers?
12:06But, hey!
12:08You do not get to hear the beaver song.
12:10It is a sweet song about friendship,
12:12and you guys are being disgusting,
12:13and beavers are adorable.
12:15No arguments here.
12:15Okay, something you need to know.
12:18Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter
12:20an antique sewing machine.
12:22This handy little device has been in our family
12:25for generations.
12:27I used it.
12:28The great-grandmother used it.
12:30Now, her mother didn't use this one,
12:32but she used one just like it.
12:34Of course, back then, they were made out of wood.
12:37And I guess before that,
12:39we just had to do it by hand.
12:42Would you pass the wine, please?
12:43No.
12:44Timmy, how?
12:48That's it, Robin.
12:49Give me the stick.
12:51I'll give you summer teeth.
12:53Summer here, summer there.
12:56Robin, give me the stick.
12:58Take off.
12:59Hoser.
13:00Whoa.
13:00That's it.
13:01Hey, hey.
13:02Get her, boy.
13:03That's it.
13:03Oh, Scraps.
13:04Guys, come on.
13:05From America.
13:06All right.
13:07Bring it up.
13:07All right, bring it up.
13:09Break it up.
13:10Ted, no.
13:12You never break up a girl fight.
13:15Never.
13:17Ted, hurry.
13:19You got to help me.
13:19My boat is sinking.
13:20What?
13:20My boat is sinking.
13:21You have a boat?
13:22Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.
13:23I just got a call from a guy down to the marina
13:25that is leaning starboard at a 45-degree angle.
13:27If I don't get down there right now,
13:27it's going to capsize.
13:28Now, come on.
13:29Oh, I'm going to take this book
13:31and I'm going to shove it so far up in...
13:33The point is, it made us remember
13:34another scrapbook you made.
13:36I know what they were fighting about
13:37and it wasn't peanut butter.
13:39Robin, just...
13:39I appreciate your help.
13:41But there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.
13:44Just...
13:44Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced...
13:47Chameleon.
13:49So...
13:53Class dismissed.
13:54No homework for a while.
13:55Okay, I learned that word by reading it.
13:59That's how I've always pronounced it.
14:00Ted, that wasn't easy.
14:02It took a lot of character to admit that.
14:04Captain, quick question.
14:05How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers?
14:07Ooh.
14:11What is that?
14:12I don't get it.
14:13I don't get it.
14:14I don't get it.
14:15He hates that he loves them.
14:18Why, hello.
14:22I've been waiting for you.
14:25Wait a second.
14:26That's not our chair.
14:27Did you bring that chair yourself?
14:30I needed one that swivels.
14:31Ted, can I chat with you for a second in the kitchen?
14:35No one touched the chair.
14:36It's a rental.
14:38Kids, I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff
14:40at the old apartment over the years.
14:45Sorry, guys.
14:46I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.
14:48It's been 12 minutes!
14:56If I don't get this job,
14:57I might end up working at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.
15:00And nobody wants that.
15:01Or maybe you guys want that
15:02because you'll get free tacos
15:04because you're my peeps.
15:05But right now,
15:06I need all of you to calm down!
15:08Hello?
15:11Hello?
15:12You want me to go ahead and wash my dish?
15:15But maybe I want you
15:18to paint the ceiling.
15:20Right?
15:21Like, maybe I should say,
15:23okay, yeah,
15:24I'll wash my dish
15:26if you get up there
15:27and just, you paint naked babies on the ceiling.
15:31You know?
15:31It's just like...
15:33Huh?
15:34Huh?
15:3540 seconds?
15:37Does this hot piece of ass
15:39look 42 to you?
15:40Or...
15:41Or...
15:42Does she look like her name is Lori?
15:45Have you completely forgotten
15:46what Barney looks like?
15:47You guys bang it?
15:48No!
15:49Why are you in our bedroom?
15:51No!
15:52Why are you in our bedroom?
15:54No!
15:54Ah!
15:55Why is Ellen DeGeneres in our bedroom?
15:57Hey!
15:58This is working.
16:00And then one day,
16:01those somethings came a-busting out.
16:04Boom!
16:06For the last three years,
16:08Marshall has been working so hard,
16:10and I am so proud of you.
16:11Meat is murder!
16:13Ah!
16:14Murder!
16:17Okay, I admit it,
16:18Strawberry was a mistake,
16:20but how could I have known that going in?
16:21Her name was Strawberry.
16:24Ted's just been through a bad breakup.
16:27Look, buddy, tell us everything.
16:28Tell us what happened.
16:30Seriously, spare no details.
16:31What did she say?
16:33What did you say?
16:34How did it feel?
16:36If you were to do it again,
16:38all over,
16:39would you maybe?
16:41I just bought my dream house.
16:46What do you mean you bought this house?
16:48I mean, I made a bid online,
16:49I won the auction the next day,
16:51and I got approval.
16:52I just finalized the paperwork.
16:54And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with,
16:57or did she haggle over the closing costs?
16:59Don't even joke about that, man.
17:01You're fine.
17:02I'll go get the banquet.
17:03No!
17:03Why not?
17:05And remember,
17:06not too much cream cheese.
17:07Half a schmear, max.
17:10Thanks, baby.
17:12Whoa!
17:13Whoa!
17:14No!
17:15Not like this!
17:17Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
17:19Well, life is ridiculous, Lily.
17:21You love her.
17:23Barney,
17:23how can you be in love
17:25and still be sleeping
17:26with anything that moves?
17:28I'm sorry,
17:29I don't follow you.
17:30That's like saying,
17:32how can an ant
17:33carry 20 times its body weight,
17:35but root beer floats
17:36are still delicious?
17:37Are the two even related?
17:38Really?
17:39Ow!
17:40Okay, guys, huddle up.
17:41Now, Lil,
17:42you can do this.
17:43All you have to do
17:44is look that guy in the eye
17:45so your name is Marissa Heller
17:46and we are golden.
17:47And again,
17:48just so we're clear,
17:48no accent.
17:50Are we sure she not rich,
17:51innit?
17:52No!
17:54Great,
17:54here I go.
17:55I'm doing this.
17:56Broke my tooth!
17:57Do you have
17:58any aspirin?
18:02Maybe there's
18:02a machine in
18:04a restroom?
18:07You!
18:08Get that thing
18:09out of my delivery room!
18:11Weak women disgust me!
18:13Marshall,
18:13do you have the money?
18:14Yeah.
18:15Let's get out of here.
18:16A smooth area?
18:17You gave me the Ken doll!
18:21You...
18:21She left out
18:25Lil' Barney.
18:27Barnacle Junior!
18:30My Barnana is...
18:33Barnito Supreme!
18:35You know,
18:36I feel a little breeze
18:37down there.
18:37It's nice.
18:38Oh, you think that's something?
18:39Yeah.
18:40Stand over this heating vent.
18:41It's like your junk
18:42is on a tropical island.
18:46Little Barney says,
18:47mahalo.
18:48You are just terrific!
18:50Isn't he, Susan?
18:53Robin.
18:54Susan?
18:55Her name is Virginia.
18:55Jesus started the whole
18:59wait three days thing.
19:00He waited three days
19:01to come back to life.
19:02It was perfect.
19:03If he'd have only waited
19:04one day,
19:05a lot of people
19:05wouldn't have even heard
19:06that he died.
19:07It'd be all,
19:07hey, Jesus,
19:08what up?
19:09And Jesus would probably
19:10be like,
19:11what up?
19:11I died yesterday.
19:13And then they'd be all,
19:15uh,
19:15you look pretty alive
19:16to me, dude.
19:17And then Jesus would have
19:18to explain how he was
19:19resurrected
19:19and how it was a miracle.
19:21And then the dude
19:22would be like,
19:22uh, okay,
19:23whatever you say, bro.
19:25I'm going to Ted's,
19:27a man cave
19:28where guys can be guys.
19:30Assert your dominance
19:31as a man?
19:31What is wrong with me?
19:32You have a mother!
19:33Plus, it's Sunday,
19:34so everyone's in church already.
19:36They're all in there,
19:37oh, no.
19:38Jesus is dead.
19:40Then, bam,
19:41he bursts through the back door,
19:43runs up the aisle.
19:44Everyone's totally psyched.
19:45And FYI,
19:46that's when he invented
19:47the high five.
19:48Ooh.
19:48Three days, Ted.
19:50We wait three days
19:51to call a woman
19:52because that's how long
19:54Jesus wants us to wait.
19:58True story.