Funniest Moments - How I Met Your Mother p-2 - video Dailymotion

Your Everything Guy

Best Funny Monments of  How I Met Your Mother - 50-59 #funny #sitcom #how I met your mother

Transcript

00:00What's wrong?

00:01Ted's embarrassed. He thought this was a date.

00:04Ted thought this was a date.

00:06Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?

00:09What?

00:09You're not allowed to date a patient. It's an AMA rule.

00:12She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.

00:14She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.

00:17She's not allowed to date...

00:18Yeah, I got it.

00:19We all got it. Ted's a schmuck.

00:22But look, I don't even know if I'll like bacon.

00:30What do you think?

00:36I have seen the face of God.

00:38If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.

00:42What suit?

00:43Ding dong. Oh, what's that? The doorbell?

00:48That's the suit I'm talking about.

00:50I haven't gotten to the door yet.

00:51Oh, okay. Let me know when you get there.

00:54Okay, I opened it, and there's a suit there.

00:57That's the suit I'm talking about.

00:59Barney?

00:59This isn't Barney.

01:01But I hear that guy's awesome.

01:03I hate Barney Stinson!

01:05Me too!

01:08How could you, Mom?

01:09You had the map to heaven, and you never showed me the way.

01:13May you rot in the baconless hell that I've lived in my entire life.

01:16What in God's name are you talking about?

01:20Acting rule number eight.

01:21Don't be afraid to get physical.

01:25Ow!

01:26You know damn well what I'm talking about.

01:28No, I don't.

01:29Yes, you do.

01:31And by God, I'll hear you say it.

01:34Scoundrel!

01:35Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture.

01:37Thank you!

01:39That was a close one.

01:40You think you'll actually let it go?

01:42Tell people what?

01:43Tell people what?

01:44Tell people what?

01:45Tell people what?

01:45Tell people...

01:46There's a black Nissan stanza in the parking lot with its lights on.

01:51Tell people what?

01:52Tell people what?

01:53This isn't right.

02:06God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.

02:08Max, you're great.

02:12You're the old lady on the rascal.

02:14This isn't a race.

02:14Do you ever read my blog?

02:17It's gotten a lot better.

02:19Who is this Barney?

02:21Oh, he's just this guy we know who has like a really lame blog.

02:24I hear it's getting better.

02:26Are you sure they saw us?

02:28A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman.

02:33You had a crush on him for a couple weeks.

02:35I was Ted's best friend for seven years.

02:37Ted said Marshall was his best friend.

02:39Seven years!

02:41It's not a big deal.

02:43I'll just take it home and put it somewhere safe.

02:46Okay, just walking down the street with some money in my pocket.

02:50Don't touch the money.

02:52It's so obvious.

02:52Just be cool.

02:54Oh, no.

02:56The baby's on to me.

02:58Babies can smell money.

02:59Everyone knows that.

03:00I'm carrying a lot of money.

03:03I have 40 hours left on my community service.

03:06And now I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip.

03:12Volunteer of the year!

03:15Lily, what are you doing here?

03:17Oh, I'm here to give Marshall something.

03:19Ah, here to give him something.

03:22Gotcha.

03:23Nice.

03:23Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.

03:25Can I just give it to you?

03:26Sure.

03:27Okay.

03:29And then you'll give it to him?

03:31Hey, oh, hey.

03:32I don't know about all that.

03:34I mean, yours would have to be really good.

03:36What are you talking about?

03:37What are you talking about?

03:39What are you talking about?

03:40This is an honor you will take with you to your grave.

03:43On your tombstone, it will read Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, slapbed commissioner.

03:49And your tombstone will read God slapped by Marshall so hard he died.

03:54Instead of stuffing, I'm going to fill the turkey with a slightly smaller turkey.

04:01It's called a turturkey key.

04:03A turturkey key?

04:05Uh-oh-oh-oh.

04:07Oh, God.

04:09Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?

04:12Come on, Daddy.

04:14Break me off a piece of that white chocolate.

04:16Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.

04:21I'll be right there.

04:23You know, I...

04:25Oh, Ted, how could you?

04:31Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, and you're still the stupidest person

04:36at this table.

04:37Okay, Lily, let's be honest.

04:39We both know your real motivation here.

04:41You hate Karen because she lingered.

04:44You son of a bitch.

04:46Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly, kids, for I am just a docile house cat now.

04:56Meow.

04:58You wrap yourself in a comforter's stuff with rabbit hair.

05:00I'll wrap myself in one stuff with duck feathers.

05:04Who's cosier?

05:05No, no, no, no, no, no.

05:07Feathers cosier!

05:09Hold on, I have to get another book.

05:11You know what, Marshall?

05:20Why don't you have a baby with your dad?

05:21Oh, okay, Lily, why don't you have a baby with your butt?

05:26What?

05:28I can't think straight!

05:30Why do you have to wear that shirt?

05:31This is not how I thought this thing was going to go!

05:38Hey, what's she singing?

05:39Oh, just a little ditty I wrote about how many girls Barney's been banging lately.

05:42Well, count me in for a verse.

05:43Great!

05:56Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for booty is near?

06:02True story.

06:03Une histoire vraie.

06:06You want to make God laugh?

06:08Tell him your plans, right?

06:09What is wrong with you?

06:14Barney, do you have to bite your nails so loud?

06:16I'm not biting my nails.

06:18I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my fingertips.

06:21Fine.

06:22You want it to be a chain of screaming?

06:23It's a chain of screaming.

06:24I came up with a circle idea halfway through

06:26because I thought it was a more elegant metaphor,

06:28but fine, ruin it.

06:30You guys always undermine me

06:31when I'm trying to make a point

06:33and I'm sick of it.

06:34God!

06:35I'm surrounded by idiots!

06:37Idiots!

06:38The first time Barney expresses feelings for a girl

06:41and she rejects him?

06:43And not just any girl.

06:44I mean...

06:45It'll destroy him.

06:49Okay.

06:50Well, first of all...

06:54And...

06:55Second of all...

06:56I'm in that sweet spot

06:58where the Chestel area knows I'm pregnant

07:00but hasn't told the downstairs neighbors.

07:02What are you waiting for, Lil?

07:04Bust him out!

07:05Make him dance!

07:05No!

07:06Let your boobies show!

07:12Le jeu commence.

07:15Je m'appelle...

07:16Marshall.

07:18So, boogie boarding.

07:23Boogie boarding.

07:24Hire a cute assistant

07:25that you can sleep with

07:27but instead you hire a cute assistant

07:28that Robin can sleep with

07:29and of course he's gonna sleep with her.

07:31Ted, look at her.

07:31She's the greatest woman on the planet.

07:33I'm getting off topic.

07:34You're an idiot.

07:35That's my message.

07:36You're an idiot!

07:39No.

07:41One person storming off isn't enough.

07:43Marshall, storm off with me!

07:44So, there really is a sex tape.

08:00Just know this.

08:01When I step up to make my toast

08:03as your best man...

08:05Actually, Marshall would probably be...

08:05As your best man!

08:08Ladies and gentlemen,

08:10I...

08:11had dibs.

08:13No!

08:16Tell me this isn't true.

08:17I...

08:17I had implied dibs.

08:20Oh!

08:21You know, you humiliated me.

08:23You're not going to that show tonight.

08:24Oh, yes I am.

08:26And you know what else?

08:26Tonight, after the show,

08:28Simon and I are going all the way.

08:30Young lady, get back here!

08:33Thanks for your help.

08:36Hey, so today at work...

08:37Not now, Ted!

08:40Barney.

08:41Straight up, Lily.

08:42I'm still mad at you for...

08:44something.

08:45And for that other thing.

08:47Look, I'm sorry.

08:48I hurt your feelings.

08:50But let's be honest.

08:51You've been super sensitive lately.

08:53No, I haven't.

08:55God, how can you say that?

08:57We've had unprotected sex

08:58203 times in the past four months.

09:02Obviously, I'm the problem.

09:04Problem?

09:05You can't get a girl pregnant.

09:07That's the dream.

09:08I'd give my firstborn

09:09to not be able to have children.

09:12Hey, Erickson.

09:13Please, sir.

09:15May I have some more pants?

09:16More pants.

09:33That's it?

09:34That's the whole story?

09:35Dude, dude, dude, look!

09:37Blonde girl heading over to Robin right now.

09:38We are go.

09:39I don't know what to do with my hands.

09:41What do I normally do with my hands?

09:44Dude, Carl's gonna kill us

09:46if we don't take everyone out of here right now.

09:53Barney, I'm serious.

09:54We promised we wouldn't mess the place up.

10:01All right, I guess you have a point.

10:02Did GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian?

10:05No.

10:05Technically, they were eggs.

10:08Did you just say eggs?

10:09I don't recall saying eggs.

10:11Don't you get it, Ted?

10:12We are tearing down the Arcadian.

10:14Either way, it's a stupid, old, piece of crap,

10:17run-down, snake-infested dump.

10:19Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?

10:20Don't mention snakes!

10:22And stop shouting your scaring cottontail.

10:26You named the rabbit?

10:27You took longer to get her than I thought.

10:29We bonded.

10:30I'm keeping her.

10:31Not good enough.

10:33Not good enough!

10:35Woo!

10:37Woo-hoo!

10:40Woo!

10:41Woo-hoo!

10:42Woo!

10:44Oh, yeah!

10:46Oh, yeah!

10:47Oh, yeah!

10:49Oh, yeah!

10:51Oh, yeah!

10:53So which one, A or B?

10:55Marshall, this is an intervention.

10:59It's about the hat.

11:01Dear Marshall,

11:02I do not like that stupid hat.

11:06I want to beat it with a bat.

11:09Or maybe stab it with a fork.

11:11It makes you look like such a dork.

11:14Listen.

11:15Listen to the stories the stones are telling you.

11:20And pick up my dry cleaning.

11:22I will.

11:23Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.

11:26Hey, Ted.

11:30This table just told me you're a douche.

11:34Please only call me that from now on.

11:37Call you what?

11:39You know, it's that new name that you've been calling me.

11:43Say it.

11:45Why?

11:45You guys know what it is.

11:47Say the name.

11:47No, I don't want to.

11:51I hate it.

11:52I hate it.

11:53It's not funny.

11:54It's never been funny.

11:55I've never done any.

11:57No!

11:58While you figure it out at home,

12:00how about we sing you a song about our beavers?

12:06But, hey!

12:08You do not get to hear the beaver song.

12:10It is a sweet song about friendship,

12:12and you guys are being disgusting,

12:13and beavers are adorable.

12:15No arguments here.

12:15Okay, something you need to know.

12:18Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter

12:20an antique sewing machine.

12:22This handy little device has been in our family

12:25for generations.

12:27I used it.

12:28The great-grandmother used it.

12:30Now, her mother didn't use this one,

12:32but she used one just like it.

12:34Of course, back then, they were made out of wood.

12:37And I guess before that,

12:39we just had to do it by hand.

12:42Would you pass the wine, please?

12:43No.

12:44Timmy, how?

12:48That's it, Robin.

12:49Give me the stick.

12:51I'll give you summer teeth.

12:53Summer here, summer there.

12:56Robin, give me the stick.

12:58Take off.

12:59Hoser.

13:00Whoa.

13:00That's it.

13:01Hey, hey.

13:02Get her, boy.

13:03That's it.

13:03Oh, Scraps.

13:04Guys, come on.

13:05From America.

13:06All right.

13:07Bring it up.

13:07All right, bring it up.

13:09Break it up.

13:10Ted, no.

13:12You never break up a girl fight.

13:15Never.

13:17Ted, hurry.

13:19You got to help me.

13:19My boat is sinking.

13:20What?

13:20My boat is sinking.

13:21You have a boat?

13:22Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.

13:23I just got a call from a guy down to the marina

13:25that is leaning starboard at a 45-degree angle.

13:27If I don't get down there right now,

13:27it's going to capsize.

13:28Now, come on.

13:29Oh, I'm going to take this book

13:31and I'm going to shove it so far up in...

13:33The point is, it made us remember

13:34another scrapbook you made.

13:36I know what they were fighting about

13:37and it wasn't peanut butter.

13:39Robin, just...

13:39I appreciate your help.

13:41But there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.

13:44Just...

13:44Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced...

13:47Chameleon.

13:49So...

13:53Class dismissed.

13:54No homework for a while.

13:55Okay, I learned that word by reading it.

13:59That's how I've always pronounced it.

14:00Ted, that wasn't easy.

14:02It took a lot of character to admit that.

14:04Captain, quick question.

14:05How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers?

14:07Ooh.

14:11What is that?

14:12I don't get it.

14:13I don't get it.

14:14I don't get it.

14:15He hates that he loves them.

14:18Why, hello.

14:22I've been waiting for you.

14:25Wait a second.

14:26That's not our chair.

14:27Did you bring that chair yourself?

14:30I needed one that swivels.

14:31Ted, can I chat with you for a second in the kitchen?

14:35No one touched the chair.

14:36It's a rental.

14:38Kids, I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff

14:40at the old apartment over the years.

14:45Sorry, guys.

14:46I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.

14:48It's been 12 minutes!

14:56If I don't get this job,

14:57I might end up working at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.

15:00And nobody wants that.

15:01Or maybe you guys want that

15:02because you'll get free tacos

15:04because you're my peeps.

15:05But right now,

15:06I need all of you to calm down!

15:08Hello?

15:11Hello?

15:12You want me to go ahead and wash my dish?

15:15But maybe I want you

15:18to paint the ceiling.

15:20Right?

15:21Like, maybe I should say,

15:23okay, yeah,

15:24I'll wash my dish

15:26if you get up there

15:27and just, you paint naked babies on the ceiling.

15:31You know?

15:31It's just like...

15:33Huh?

15:34Huh?

15:3540 seconds?

15:37Does this hot piece of ass

15:39look 42 to you?

15:40Or...

15:41Or...

15:42Does she look like her name is Lori?

15:45Have you completely forgotten

15:46what Barney looks like?

15:47You guys bang it?

15:48No!

15:49Why are you in our bedroom?

15:51No!

15:52Why are you in our bedroom?

15:54No!

15:54Ah!

15:55Why is Ellen DeGeneres in our bedroom?

15:57Hey!

15:58This is working.

16:00And then one day,

16:01those somethings came a-busting out.

16:04Boom!

16:06For the last three years,

16:08Marshall has been working so hard,

16:10and I am so proud of you.

16:11Meat is murder!

16:13Ah!

16:14Murder!

16:17Okay, I admit it,

16:18Strawberry was a mistake,

16:20but how could I have known that going in?

16:21Her name was Strawberry.

16:24Ted's just been through a bad breakup.

16:27Look, buddy, tell us everything.

16:28Tell us what happened.

16:30Seriously, spare no details.

16:31What did she say?

16:33What did you say?

16:34How did it feel?

16:36If you were to do it again,

16:38all over,

16:39would you maybe?

16:41I just bought my dream house.

16:46What do you mean you bought this house?

16:48I mean, I made a bid online,

16:49I won the auction the next day,

16:51and I got approval.

16:52I just finalized the paperwork.

16:54And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with,

16:57or did she haggle over the closing costs?

16:59Don't even joke about that, man.

17:01You're fine.

17:02I'll go get the banquet.

17:03No!

17:03Why not?

17:05And remember,

17:06not too much cream cheese.

17:07Half a schmear, max.

17:10Thanks, baby.

17:12Whoa!

17:13Whoa!

17:14No!

17:15Not like this!

17:17Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.

17:19Well, life is ridiculous, Lily.

17:21You love her.

17:23Barney,

17:23how can you be in love

17:25and still be sleeping

17:26with anything that moves?

17:28I'm sorry,

17:29I don't follow you.

17:30That's like saying,

17:32how can an ant

17:33carry 20 times its body weight,

17:35but root beer floats

17:36are still delicious?

17:37Are the two even related?

17:38Really?

17:39Ow!

17:40Okay, guys, huddle up.

17:41Now, Lil,

17:42you can do this.

17:43All you have to do

17:44is look that guy in the eye

17:45so your name is Marissa Heller

17:46and we are golden.

17:47And again,

17:48just so we're clear,

17:48no accent.

17:50Are we sure she not rich,

17:51innit?

17:52No!

17:54Great,

17:54here I go.

17:55I'm doing this.

17:56Broke my tooth!

17:57Do you have

17:58any aspirin?

18:02Maybe there's

18:02a machine in

18:04a restroom?

18:07You!

18:08Get that thing

18:09out of my delivery room!

18:11Weak women disgust me!

18:13Marshall,

18:13do you have the money?

18:14Yeah.

18:15Let's get out of here.

18:16A smooth area?

18:17You gave me the Ken doll!

18:21You...

18:21She left out

18:25Lil' Barney.

18:27Barnacle Junior!

18:30My Barnana is...

18:33Barnito Supreme!

18:35You know,

18:36I feel a little breeze

18:37down there.

18:37It's nice.

18:38Oh, you think that's something?

18:39Yeah.

18:40Stand over this heating vent.

18:41It's like your junk

18:42is on a tropical island.

18:46Little Barney says,

18:47mahalo.

18:48You are just terrific!

18:50Isn't he, Susan?

18:53Robin.

18:54Susan?

18:55Her name is Virginia.

18:55Jesus started the whole

18:59wait three days thing.

19:00He waited three days

19:01to come back to life.

19:02It was perfect.

19:03If he'd have only waited

19:04one day,

19:05a lot of people

19:05wouldn't have even heard

19:06that he died.

19:07It'd be all,

19:07hey, Jesus,

19:08what up?

19:09And Jesus would probably

19:10be like,

19:11what up?

19:11I died yesterday.

19:13And then they'd be all,

19:15uh,

19:15you look pretty alive

19:16to me, dude.

19:17And then Jesus would have

19:18to explain how he was

19:19resurrected

19:19and how it was a miracle.

19:21And then the dude

19:22would be like,

19:22uh, okay,

19:23whatever you say, bro.

19:25I'm going to Ted's,

19:27a man cave

19:28where guys can be guys.

19:30Assert your dominance

19:31as a man?

19:31What is wrong with me?

19:32You have a mother!

19:33Plus, it's Sunday,

19:34so everyone's in church already.

19:36They're all in there,

19:37oh, no.

19:38Jesus is dead.

19:40Then, bam,

19:41he bursts through the back door,

19:43runs up the aisle.

19:44Everyone's totally psyched.

19:45And FYI,

19:46that's when he invented

19:47the high five.

19:48Ooh.

19:48Three days, Ted.

19:50We wait three days

19:51to call a woman

19:52because that's how long

19:54Jesus wants us to wait.

19:58True story.

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Funniest Moments - How I Met Your Mother p-2

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