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Best Funny Monments of How I Met Your Mother - 50-59
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Transcript
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00:00
What's wrong?
00:01
Ted's embarrassed. He thought this was a date.
00:04
Ted thought this was a date.
00:06
Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?
00:09
What?
00:09
You're not allowed to date a patient. It's an AMA rule.
00:12
She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
00:14
She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
00:17
She's not allowed to date...
00:18
Yeah, I got it.
00:19
We all got it. Ted's a schmuck.
00:22
But look, I don't even know if I'll like bacon.
00:30
What do you think?
00:36
I have seen the face of God.
00:38
If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
00:42
What suit?
00:43
Ding dong. Oh, what's that? The doorbell?
00:48
That's the suit I'm talking about.
00:50
I haven't gotten to the door yet.
00:51
Oh, okay. Let me know when you get there.
00:54
Okay, I opened it, and there's a suit there.
00:57
That's the suit I'm talking about.
00:59
Barney?
00:59
This isn't Barney.
01:01
But I hear that guy's awesome.
01:03
I hate Barney Stinson!
01:05
Me too!
01:08
How could you, Mom?
01:09
You had the map to heaven, and you never showed me the way.
01:13
May you rot in the baconless hell that I've lived in my entire life.
01:16
What in God's name are you talking about?
01:20
Acting rule number eight.
01:21
Don't be afraid to get physical.
01:25
Ow!
01:26
You know damn well what I'm talking about.
01:28
No, I don't.
01:29
Yes, you do.
01:31
And by God, I'll hear you say it.
01:34
Scoundrel!
01:35
Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture.
01:37
Thank you!
01:39
That was a close one.
01:40
You think you'll actually let it go?
01:42
Tell people what?
01:43
Tell people what?
01:44
Tell people what?
01:45
Tell people what?
01:45
Tell people...
01:46
There's a black Nissan stanza in the parking lot with its lights on.
01:51
Tell people what?
01:52
Tell people what?
01:53
This isn't right.
02:06
God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.
02:08
Max, you're great.
02:12
You're the old lady on the rascal.
02:14
This isn't a race.
02:14
Do you ever read my blog?
02:17
It's gotten a lot better.
02:19
Who is this Barney?
02:21
Oh, he's just this guy we know who has like a really lame blog.
02:24
I hear it's getting better.
02:26
Are you sure they saw us?
02:28
A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman.
02:33
You had a crush on him for a couple weeks.
02:35
I was Ted's best friend for seven years.
02:37
Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
02:39
Seven years!
02:41
It's not a big deal.
02:43
I'll just take it home and put it somewhere safe.
02:46
Okay, just walking down the street with some money in my pocket.
02:50
Don't touch the money.
02:52
It's so obvious.
02:52
Just be cool.
02:54
Oh, no.
02:56
The baby's on to me.
02:58
Babies can smell money.
02:59
Everyone knows that.
03:00
I'm carrying a lot of money.
03:03
I have 40 hours left on my community service.
03:06
And now I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip.
03:12
Volunteer of the year!
03:15
Lily, what are you doing here?
03:17
Oh, I'm here to give Marshall something.
03:19
Ah, here to give him something.
03:22
Gotcha.
03:23
Nice.
03:23
Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.
03:25
Can I just give it to you?
03:26
Sure.
03:27
Okay.
03:29
And then you'll give it to him?
03:31
Hey, oh, hey.
03:32
I don't know about all that.
03:34
I mean, yours would have to be really good.
03:36
What are you talking about?
03:37
What are you talking about?
03:39
What are you talking about?
03:40
This is an honor you will take with you to your grave.
03:43
On your tombstone, it will read Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, slapbed commissioner.
03:49
And your tombstone will read God slapped by Marshall so hard he died.
03:54
Instead of stuffing, I'm going to fill the turkey with a slightly smaller turkey.
04:01
It's called a turturkey key.
04:03
A turturkey key?
04:05
Uh-oh-oh-oh.
04:07
Oh, God.
04:09
Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
04:12
Come on, Daddy.
04:14
Break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
04:16
Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.
04:21
I'll be right there.
04:23
You know, I...
04:25
Oh, Ted, how could you?
04:31
Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, and you're still the stupidest person
04:36
at this table.
04:37
Okay, Lily, let's be honest.
04:39
We both know your real motivation here.
04:41
You hate Karen because she lingered.
04:44
You son of a bitch.
04:46
Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly, kids, for I am just a docile house cat now.
04:56
Meow.
04:58
You wrap yourself in a comforter's stuff with rabbit hair.
05:00
I'll wrap myself in one stuff with duck feathers.
05:04
Who's cosier?
05:05
No, no, no, no, no, no.
05:07
Feathers cosier!
05:09
Hold on, I have to get another book.
05:11
You know what, Marshall?
05:20
Why don't you have a baby with your dad?
05:21
Oh, okay, Lily, why don't you have a baby with your butt?
05:26
What?
05:28
I can't think straight!
05:30
Why do you have to wear that shirt?
05:31
This is not how I thought this thing was going to go!
05:38
Hey, what's she singing?
05:39
Oh, just a little ditty I wrote about how many girls Barney's been banging lately.
05:42
Well, count me in for a verse.
05:43
Great!
05:56
Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for booty is near?
06:02
True story.
06:03
Une histoire vraie.
06:06
You want to make God laugh?
06:08
Tell him your plans, right?
06:09
What is wrong with you?
06:14
Barney, do you have to bite your nails so loud?
06:16
I'm not biting my nails.
06:18
I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my fingertips.
06:21
Fine.
06:22
You want it to be a chain of screaming?
06:23
It's a chain of screaming.
06:24
I came up with a circle idea halfway through
06:26
because I thought it was a more elegant metaphor,
06:28
but fine, ruin it.
06:30
You guys always undermine me
06:31
when I'm trying to make a point
06:33
and I'm sick of it.
06:34
God!
06:35
I'm surrounded by idiots!
06:37
Idiots!
06:38
The first time Barney expresses feelings for a girl
06:41
and she rejects him?
06:43
And not just any girl.
06:44
I mean...
06:45
It'll destroy him.
06:49
Okay.
06:50
Well, first of all...
06:54
And...
06:55
Second of all...
06:56
I'm in that sweet spot
06:58
where the Chestel area knows I'm pregnant
07:00
but hasn't told the downstairs neighbors.
07:02
What are you waiting for, Lil?
07:04
Bust him out!
07:05
Make him dance!
07:05
No!
07:06
Let your boobies show!
07:12
Le jeu commence.
07:15
Je m'appelle...
07:16
Marshall.
07:18
So, boogie boarding.
07:23
Boogie boarding.
07:24
Hire a cute assistant
07:25
that you can sleep with
07:27
but instead you hire a cute assistant
07:28
that Robin can sleep with
07:29
and of course he's gonna sleep with her.
07:31
Ted, look at her.
07:31
She's the greatest woman on the planet.
07:33
I'm getting off topic.
07:34
You're an idiot.
07:35
That's my message.
07:36
You're an idiot!
07:39
No.
07:41
One person storming off isn't enough.
07:43
Marshall, storm off with me!
07:44
So, there really is a sex tape.
08:00
Just know this.
08:01
When I step up to make my toast
08:03
as your best man...
08:05
Actually, Marshall would probably be...
08:05
As your best man!
08:08
Ladies and gentlemen,
08:10
I...
08:11
had dibs.
08:13
No!
08:16
Tell me this isn't true.
08:17
I...
08:17
I had implied dibs.
08:20
Oh!
08:21
You know, you humiliated me.
08:23
You're not going to that show tonight.
08:24
Oh, yes I am.
08:26
And you know what else?
08:26
Tonight, after the show,
08:28
Simon and I are going all the way.
08:30
Young lady, get back here!
08:33
Thanks for your help.
08:36
Hey, so today at work...
08:37
Not now, Ted!
08:40
Barney.
08:41
Straight up, Lily.
08:42
I'm still mad at you for...
08:44
something.
08:45
And for that other thing.
08:47
Look, I'm sorry.
08:48
I hurt your feelings.
08:50
But let's be honest.
08:51
You've been super sensitive lately.
08:53
No, I haven't.
08:55
God, how can you say that?
08:57
We've had unprotected sex
08:58
203 times in the past four months.
09:02
Obviously, I'm the problem.
09:04
Problem?
09:05
You can't get a girl pregnant.
09:07
That's the dream.
09:08
I'd give my firstborn
09:09
to not be able to have children.
09:12
Hey, Erickson.
09:13
Please, sir.
09:15
May I have some more pants?
09:16
More pants.
09:33
That's it?
09:34
That's the whole story?
09:35
Dude, dude, dude, look!
09:37
Blonde girl heading over to Robin right now.
09:38
We are go.
09:39
I don't know what to do with my hands.
09:41
What do I normally do with my hands?
09:44
Dude, Carl's gonna kill us
09:46
if we don't take everyone out of here right now.
09:53
Barney, I'm serious.
09:54
We promised we wouldn't mess the place up.
10:01
All right, I guess you have a point.
10:02
Did GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian?
10:05
No.
10:05
Technically, they were eggs.
10:08
Did you just say eggs?
10:09
I don't recall saying eggs.
10:11
Don't you get it, Ted?
10:12
We are tearing down the Arcadian.
10:14
Either way, it's a stupid, old, piece of crap,
10:17
run-down, snake-infested dump.
10:19
Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?
10:20
Don't mention snakes!
10:22
And stop shouting your scaring cottontail.
10:26
You named the rabbit?
10:27
You took longer to get her than I thought.
10:29
We bonded.
10:30
I'm keeping her.
10:31
Not good enough.
10:33
Not good enough!
10:35
Woo!
10:37
Woo-hoo!
10:40
Woo!
10:41
Woo-hoo!
10:42
Woo!
10:44
Oh, yeah!
10:46
Oh, yeah!
10:47
Oh, yeah!
10:49
Oh, yeah!
10:51
Oh, yeah!
10:53
So which one, A or B?
10:55
Marshall, this is an intervention.
10:59
It's about the hat.
11:01
Dear Marshall,
11:02
I do not like that stupid hat.
11:06
I want to beat it with a bat.
11:09
Or maybe stab it with a fork.
11:11
It makes you look like such a dork.
11:14
Listen.
11:15
Listen to the stories the stones are telling you.
11:20
And pick up my dry cleaning.
11:22
I will.
11:23
Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.
11:26
Hey, Ted.
11:30
This table just told me you're a douche.
11:34
Please only call me that from now on.
11:37
Call you what?
11:39
You know, it's that new name that you've been calling me.
11:43
Say it.
11:45
Why?
11:45
You guys know what it is.
11:47
Say the name.
11:47
No, I don't want to.
11:51
I hate it.
11:52
I hate it.
11:53
It's not funny.
11:54
It's never been funny.
11:55
I've never done any.
11:57
No!
11:58
While you figure it out at home,
12:00
how about we sing you a song about our beavers?
12:06
But, hey!
12:08
You do not get to hear the beaver song.
12:10
It is a sweet song about friendship,
12:12
and you guys are being disgusting,
12:13
and beavers are adorable.
12:15
No arguments here.
12:15
Okay, something you need to know.
12:18
Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter
12:20
an antique sewing machine.
12:22
This handy little device has been in our family
12:25
for generations.
12:27
I used it.
12:28
The great-grandmother used it.
12:30
Now, her mother didn't use this one,
12:32
but she used one just like it.
12:34
Of course, back then, they were made out of wood.
12:37
And I guess before that,
12:39
we just had to do it by hand.
12:42
Would you pass the wine, please?
12:43
No.
12:44
Timmy, how?
12:48
That's it, Robin.
12:49
Give me the stick.
12:51
I'll give you summer teeth.
12:53
Summer here, summer there.
12:56
Robin, give me the stick.
12:58
Take off.
12:59
Hoser.
13:00
Whoa.
13:00
That's it.
13:01
Hey, hey.
13:02
Get her, boy.
13:03
That's it.
13:03
Oh, Scraps.
13:04
Guys, come on.
13:05
From America.
13:06
All right.
13:07
Bring it up.
13:07
All right, bring it up.
13:09
Break it up.
13:10
Ted, no.
13:12
You never break up a girl fight.
13:15
Never.
13:17
Ted, hurry.
13:19
You got to help me.
13:19
My boat is sinking.
13:20
What?
13:20
My boat is sinking.
13:21
You have a boat?
13:22
Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.
13:23
I just got a call from a guy down to the marina
13:25
that is leaning starboard at a 45-degree angle.
13:27
If I don't get down there right now,
13:27
it's going to capsize.
13:28
Now, come on.
13:29
Oh, I'm going to take this book
13:31
and I'm going to shove it so far up in...
13:33
The point is, it made us remember
13:34
another scrapbook you made.
13:36
I know what they were fighting about
13:37
and it wasn't peanut butter.
13:39
Robin, just...
13:39
I appreciate your help.
13:41
But there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.
13:44
Just...
13:44
Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced...
13:47
Chameleon.
13:49
So...
13:53
Class dismissed.
13:54
No homework for a while.
13:55
Okay, I learned that word by reading it.
13:59
That's how I've always pronounced it.
14:00
Ted, that wasn't easy.
14:02
It took a lot of character to admit that.
14:04
Captain, quick question.
14:05
How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers?
14:07
Ooh.
14:11
What is that?
14:12
I don't get it.
14:13
I don't get it.
14:14
I don't get it.
14:15
He hates that he loves them.
14:18
Why, hello.
14:22
I've been waiting for you.
14:25
Wait a second.
14:26
That's not our chair.
14:27
Did you bring that chair yourself?
14:30
I needed one that swivels.
14:31
Ted, can I chat with you for a second in the kitchen?
14:35
No one touched the chair.
14:36
It's a rental.
14:38
Kids, I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff
14:40
at the old apartment over the years.
14:45
Sorry, guys.
14:46
I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.
14:48
It's been 12 minutes!
14:56
If I don't get this job,
14:57
I might end up working at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.
15:00
And nobody wants that.
15:01
Or maybe you guys want that
15:02
because you'll get free tacos
15:04
because you're my peeps.
15:05
But right now,
15:06
I need all of you to calm down!
15:08
Hello?
15:11
Hello?
15:12
You want me to go ahead and wash my dish?
15:15
But maybe I want you
15:18
to paint the ceiling.
15:20
Right?
15:21
Like, maybe I should say,
15:23
okay, yeah,
15:24
I'll wash my dish
15:26
if you get up there
15:27
and just, you paint naked babies on the ceiling.
15:31
You know?
15:31
It's just like...
15:33
Huh?
15:34
Huh?
15:35
40 seconds?
15:37
Does this hot piece of ass
15:39
look 42 to you?
15:40
Or...
15:41
Or...
15:42
Does she look like her name is Lori?
15:45
Have you completely forgotten
15:46
what Barney looks like?
15:47
You guys bang it?
15:48
No!
15:49
Why are you in our bedroom?
15:51
No!
15:52
Why are you in our bedroom?
15:54
No!
15:54
Ah!
15:55
Why is Ellen DeGeneres in our bedroom?
15:57
Hey!
15:58
This is working.
16:00
And then one day,
16:01
those somethings came a-busting out.
16:04
Boom!
16:06
For the last three years,
16:08
Marshall has been working so hard,
16:10
and I am so proud of you.
16:11
Meat is murder!
16:13
Ah!
16:14
Murder!
16:17
Okay, I admit it,
16:18
Strawberry was a mistake,
16:20
but how could I have known that going in?
16:21
Her name was Strawberry.
16:24
Ted's just been through a bad breakup.
16:27
Look, buddy, tell us everything.
16:28
Tell us what happened.
16:30
Seriously, spare no details.
16:31
What did she say?
16:33
What did you say?
16:34
How did it feel?
16:36
If you were to do it again,
16:38
all over,
16:39
would you maybe?
16:41
I just bought my dream house.
16:46
What do you mean you bought this house?
16:48
I mean, I made a bid online,
16:49
I won the auction the next day,
16:51
and I got approval.
16:52
I just finalized the paperwork.
16:54
And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with,
16:57
or did she haggle over the closing costs?
16:59
Don't even joke about that, man.
17:01
You're fine.
17:02
I'll go get the banquet.
17:03
No!
17:03
Why not?
17:05
And remember,
17:06
not too much cream cheese.
17:07
Half a schmear, max.
17:10
Thanks, baby.
17:12
Whoa!
17:13
Whoa!
17:14
No!
17:15
Not like this!
17:17
Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
17:19
Well, life is ridiculous, Lily.
17:21
You love her.
17:23
Barney,
17:23
how can you be in love
17:25
and still be sleeping
17:26
with anything that moves?
17:28
I'm sorry,
17:29
I don't follow you.
17:30
That's like saying,
17:32
how can an ant
17:33
carry 20 times its body weight,
17:35
but root beer floats
17:36
are still delicious?
17:37
Are the two even related?
17:38
Really?
17:39
Ow!
17:40
Okay, guys, huddle up.
17:41
Now, Lil,
17:42
you can do this.
17:43
All you have to do
17:44
is look that guy in the eye
17:45
so your name is Marissa Heller
17:46
and we are golden.
17:47
And again,
17:48
just so we're clear,
17:48
no accent.
17:50
Are we sure she not rich,
17:51
innit?
17:52
No!
17:54
Great,
17:54
here I go.
17:55
I'm doing this.
17:56
Broke my tooth!
17:57
Do you have
17:58
any aspirin?
18:02
Maybe there's
18:02
a machine in
18:04
a restroom?
18:07
You!
18:08
Get that thing
18:09
out of my delivery room!
18:11
Weak women disgust me!
18:13
Marshall,
18:13
do you have the money?
18:14
Yeah.
18:15
Let's get out of here.
18:16
A smooth area?
18:17
You gave me the Ken doll!
18:21
You...
18:21
She left out
18:25
Lil' Barney.
18:27
Barnacle Junior!
18:30
My Barnana is...
18:33
Barnito Supreme!
18:35
You know,
18:36
I feel a little breeze
18:37
down there.
18:37
It's nice.
18:38
Oh, you think that's something?
18:39
Yeah.
18:40
Stand over this heating vent.
18:41
It's like your junk
18:42
is on a tropical island.
18:46
Little Barney says,
18:47
mahalo.
18:48
You are just terrific!
18:50
Isn't he, Susan?
18:53
Robin.
18:54
Susan?
18:55
Her name is Virginia.
18:55
Jesus started the whole
18:59
wait three days thing.
19:00
He waited three days
19:01
to come back to life.
19:02
It was perfect.
19:03
If he'd have only waited
19:04
one day,
19:05
a lot of people
19:05
wouldn't have even heard
19:06
that he died.
19:07
It'd be all,
19:07
hey, Jesus,
19:08
what up?
19:09
And Jesus would probably
19:10
be like,
19:11
what up?
19:11
I died yesterday.
19:13
And then they'd be all,
19:15
uh,
19:15
you look pretty alive
19:16
to me, dude.
19:17
And then Jesus would have
19:18
to explain how he was
19:19
resurrected
19:19
and how it was a miracle.
19:21
And then the dude
19:22
would be like,
19:22
uh, okay,
19:23
whatever you say, bro.
19:25
I'm going to Ted's,
19:27
a man cave
19:28
where guys can be guys.
19:30
Assert your dominance
19:31
as a man?
19:31
What is wrong with me?
19:32
You have a mother!
19:33
Plus, it's Sunday,
19:34
so everyone's in church already.
19:36
They're all in there,
19:37
oh, no.
19:38
Jesus is dead.
19:40
Then, bam,
19:41
he bursts through the back door,
19:43
runs up the aisle.
19:44
Everyone's totally psyched.
19:45
And FYI,
19:46
that's when he invented
19:47
the high five.
19:48
Ooh.
19:48
Three days, Ted.
19:50
We wait three days
19:51
to call a woman
19:52
because that's how long
19:54
Jesus wants us to wait.
19:58
True story.
Recommended
20:26
|
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