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01:07Answer the phone, Foggy.
01:10In the jungle, I could have crept up on you and cut your throat from ear to ear.
01:15Come on, wake up, man. It's a beautiful day outside.
01:18It's not unpleasant in here.
01:21Ah! Don't pull that lever! Don't pull that lever!
01:33What lever? Oh, come on, man, what are you talking about?
01:36What have you got that sheet round your neck for?
01:38Have they gone? Has who gone? Them Chinese.
01:41Well, that's the right side on the fire escape with your ferrets, yes.
01:45The last thing I remember, they were leaning on me chest,
01:48trying to put this noose round me neck.
01:50Oh, that's pretty unusual for ferrets.
01:53You've been dreaming, man. Look at your bed. Look at the state of it.
01:57It looks like Liberace's shirt front.
01:59That's the last time I set foot in a Chinese chippy.
02:03Well, I warned you last night, didn't I,
02:05that no good would come of gorging yourself on bamboo shoots.
02:08I mean, to a trained soldier, bamboo is not for eating.
02:11It's for sharpening to a point and sticking up your enemy's fingernails.
02:14Ah, shut up! I've come to Scarborough to try and enjoy myself.
02:19Come along, my little lovelies. Here we are.
02:22Look, we don't want them in here. Get out.
02:24Come along, my little lovelies. Here we are.
02:25No, don't. They smell to hide. Don't put them on my bed.
02:27Put them on yours.
02:28I've got to give them their breakfast, haven't I? What's the matter with you?
02:31I've got to give them their breakfast.
02:33Come along, my little lovelies. Here we are.
02:36Sweet and sour and mushy peas.
02:38Get them, my God. Get them!
02:41Oh, I've got to give them their breakfast, you d...
02:44I know what I'm going to smack you.
02:47He-he-he-he!
02:48Hey, my little lovelies.
02:49Don't worry, don't worry. I know what'll clear your tubes for you
02:52and set you back on your feet with every nerve tingling with the glow of health.
02:56A swim before breakfast.
02:59Oh, God.
03:00Oh, very well. I'll go by myself, then.
03:03Hey-oh, this should be good. We'll come and watch.
03:07You've got a real flair for stupidity, Foggy.
03:13No wonder we used to have an empire.
03:16We'll have a different room and all.
03:19I was talking about the British Empire.
03:22Oh!
03:23No wonder at all when we could breed fearless idiots like Foggy here
03:28who'd go to any lengths to impress the natives.
03:31I think it's lovely.
03:33I don't know what you're making all the fuss about.
03:36In any regime of physical fitness, a dip in the early morning is perfectly routine.
03:42In the North Sea?
03:44Well, other people swim in the North Sea.
03:46Only if they fall off a boat.
03:48Turn your popsicles blue!
03:52What are you talking about, popsicles?
03:56Sounds like a frozen lolly.
03:58No.
03:59It'll be like a frozen lolly, you know.
04:01Yes, my Uncle Fortnum used to swim every morning in one of the coldest rivers of North America.
04:13You must have cost him a bit in bus fares.
04:29He lived there amongst the moose and the caribou.
04:34The what?
04:35Very tall ferrets.
04:38What are we going to do about your smuggled ferrets?
04:41We're going to feed them, water them and give them plenty of exercise.
04:45Well, I'm not exercising the blasted things.
04:47Now, don't get stroppy, foggy.
04:49Otherwise, I could end up showing the wrong side to folk.
04:52Oh!
04:53Ah!
04:54Just get that towel up and eyes to the front.
04:58And you.
04:59I mean, I've got any idea, you know, bringing ferrets into a respectable boarding house.
05:05I couldn't leave them alone to starve, so shut your cake off.
05:08Don't check your eyes to the front.
05:09Oh!
05:12I don't know who you think you're kidding anyway, all this getting undressed.
05:16I bet he doesn't go out any deeper than his ankle.
05:19I shall cut the water like a knife.
05:21It holds no terrors for the Anglo-Saxon.
05:24No, no, there's spiking blood, you know, in these veins.
05:27You notice the blonde hair.
05:29You know, my ancestors...
05:30My ancestors could go for a thousand miles in an open boat
05:33wearing very little more than a few bits of carpet.
05:38Your Harold used to dress like that.
05:40All the time.
05:41Now, they sailed into this bay on numerous occasions.
05:44They probably landed at this very exact spot where we are standing
05:48and then rushed off to do their looting and raping.
05:51It sounds like your Harold.
05:55No, we had to pack it all in since he's hurt his back.
06:00Lifting something heavy, was he, like a security drill?
06:02Yes, well, it's quite obvious that you're looking forward to this swim, Foggy.
06:07You're coming out little tiny goose pimples of pure happiness.
06:12No!
06:14Well, I've got to stop to that by doing a quick sprint into the sea.
06:17Oh, no, don't, Foggy.
06:18Nonsense, nonsense.
06:19That sudden initial shock and then a marvellous feeling of well-being.
06:23Oh!
06:24No, no, no, no, no!
06:26Oh!
06:39Oh!
06:40Oh!
06:41That's a trouble whistle for.
06:42They won't listen!
06:44I suppose he's had that sudden shock that he was on about.
06:48So this must be that feeling of well-being.
06:53Marvellous!
06:54Oh, he has enjoyed it.
06:55Oh!
06:56He's feeling better now.
06:57You should have heard his teeth rattling on the way home.
06:59We're like a spin dryer full of marbles.
07:00It's very invigorating.
07:01What?
07:02We had to massage the leg before they could walk.
07:03Touch a tramp, that's all.
07:04Oh, no, to admit it, it was very pleasant out there.
07:05All them summer greens and blues, and that's all.
07:06Oh!
07:07Oh!
07:08Oh!
07:09Oh!
07:10Oh!
07:11Oh!
07:12Oh!
07:13Oh!
07:14Oh!
07:15What are we going to do today, then?
07:16I'm going fishing.
07:17Oh, that'll make a change.
07:18You've got a good seven days a week at home.
07:19Oh, this is sea fishing.
07:20Oh, what a novelty.
07:21Come with us, Gordon.
07:22What about these?
07:23Oh!
07:24Oh!
07:25Oh!
07:26Oh!
07:27Oh!
07:28Oh!
07:29Oh!
07:30Oh!
07:31Oh!
07:32Oh!
07:33Oh!
07:34Oh!
07:35Oh!
07:36Oh!
07:37Oh!
07:38Oh!
07:39Oh!
07:40Oh!
07:41Oh!
07:42Oh!
07:43Oh!
07:44Oh!
07:45Oh, you're going to be naughty, Nora.
07:46Shall we steal away, just me and me?
07:49Oh!
07:50Are you going to sit there while he insults me?
07:52No, I thought I'd go and have a look at the lifeboat.
07:55Just while he insults you.
07:56What?
07:57They fascinate me, the lifeboats.
07:58Well, I want to go to the zoo and marine land.
07:59What are you going to do, then, Wally?
08:00I thought I'd go and have a look at the zoo and marine land.
08:02They fascinate me, they like boats.
08:05Well, I want to go to the zoo and marine land.
08:08So what are you going to do then, Wally?
08:10I thought I'd go and have a look at the zoo and marine land.
08:15It fascinates me, the zoo and marine land.
08:20Where are you taking me?
08:22I thought I'd keep it as a surprise.
08:24Until you told me.
08:25What about thee, O Great White Leader?
08:28Where are they taking us?
08:30O Great White Leader?
08:32Hey, O.
08:33He's having a little think.
08:35O Great White Leader, Leader, Leader, Leader.
08:41What day is it?
08:42Well, we only got here Saturday, so this must be Sunday.
08:45Ah, yes, Sunday.
08:47See, the day set aside for worship.
08:50Right, church parade.
08:51Church!
08:53Look who's hand's trembling now.
08:54Well, it's just that when you come on holiday,
08:56the last person you expect to see is the Lord.
08:58I suppose because he doesn't advertise as much as Max Jaffa.
09:05Yeah, anyway, there's an excuse for going when you're at home.
09:08I mean, there's no cell so open.
09:12What's up with you, love?
09:14Off your food.
09:15He's thinking about religion.
09:17Oh, heck.
09:18What did you tell her that for?
09:23She'd think I'm weird.
09:26Why should anybody think you're weird?
09:28I'm sure everybody brings his ferrets on holiday.
09:30I'm terribly sorry, but you cannot bring your ferrets into my church.
09:52If they're not diagnosed, you don't care if they've been ordained.
09:56Out, out, out.
09:59Oh, Paddy.
10:00I've got a stuffed-up-me jumper.
10:02Look.
10:02Look, they won't get away again.
10:06Listen, I'll be hot marine drive, fishing.
10:09I'll be back up late to go and duck
10:11and I'll give these two little frisky devils a bit of a gallop.
10:13Oh, come on now.
10:15Boggy and me aren't really frisky little devils.
10:17I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
10:26Oh, don't say that, Boggy.
10:28We've still got nearly a whole day to go.
10:32Does the reckon this thing's safe?
10:35It's not the north face of the Iger we're descending, is it?
10:38Of course it's safe.
10:40Then what are you clutching me arm for?
10:47He thinks he's a U-boat, Commander.
11:04Foggy Von Dewhurst.
11:06I like it.
11:08I'll sink in without trace if he catches those furry little hooligans out again.
11:11They've got to have a bit of exercise.
11:14That's not what the vicar thought when he saw them climbing up his Reridos.
11:16Well, he don't eat a swiper with an in-book.
11:21That's very Christian, I must say.
11:23He couldn't have been nastier if he'd been an atheist.
11:26You'll be sorted out on the day of judgment, ferrets and all.
11:29There'll be one or two witnesses there from the National Assistance Board
11:31and a few very tricky questions asked.
11:34I was prepared to work if they found me out suitable.
11:36Oh, yeah.
11:38How many vacancies do you think there are for poacher to Raquel Welsh?
11:40I told them what I wanted to be.
11:44What?
11:44A big game hunter.
11:46I kept filling in the forms, but it didn't seem to get me anywhere.
11:50You're typical of your sort, aren't you?
11:52All have to go big game hunting as long as it can do it round Huddersfield.
11:56Well, there are quite a few native settlements these days on the banks of the Air and Caldo.
12:01Well, they'd love to go on safari, they would.
12:04Provided the council provides them with a free bus and gets them back in time for bingo.
12:10Hey, what a lick?
12:11Oh, get up and down.
12:13You know what he's looking at through them glasses, don't you?
12:16That old lass over there in the brown hat showing her garters.
12:20I'm trying to identify that shape on the horizon.
12:23That's what I told you, the old lass in the brown hat showing her garters.
12:25It happens to be Gordon, who is gazing very forlornly into the sea.
12:31You know, I think that lad wants cheering up.
12:35They say that our ancestors came out of the sea.
12:39And yet I have this strange feeling that my grandad came from Wakefield.
12:46And granny would never have married him if he'd been wet.
12:51She was that sort of a woman, everything had to be respectable.
12:54There was this unspoken assumption that nice people had no legs.
13:03Did they have fags?
13:06You know what they handed round to people?
13:08What couldn't reach theirs?
13:09Because their sleeves were too long.
13:12Yeah, you rotten lot.
13:14What are you sitting about with a face like that for?
13:38It's the only one I've got.
13:40You can alter it.
13:41It doesn't have to look like a crepe hangers map.
13:45You're not going to a funeral.
13:47No.
13:47With my luck, I never will be.
13:50You're determined not to enjoy it, aren't you?
13:55You talk yourself into being miserable.
13:57No, I don't.
13:59I just have to listen.
14:00I don't know what people must think.
14:06You're on holiday.
14:08Not really.
14:10You'd have come by yourself then, had I been on holiday.
14:15Remember that smashing fortnight when you had to go nurse your mother?
14:18That's how I like to see you.
14:28Come on, give her a nice round of applause.
14:30Well done.
14:30I love you, Dominique, he said.
14:51His eyes, burning like hot coals, looked deep into her own.
14:56She gasped at the touch of his strong but gentle hands.
14:59In the moonlight, she traced the contours of his face with her finger.
15:06The blood raced through her veins.
15:09His lithe body moved next to hers.
15:19A thousand magic sensations shivered through her.
15:23What must it be like?
15:25The joy of waking in the morning to find him there.
15:29There, sleeping by her side, this was her man.
15:34She reached for him, gently.
15:46Oh, my God.
15:49What?
15:50What?
15:50What?
15:52Talk to me.
15:54What?
15:54You never talk to me.
15:57Not even when we...
15:58Well, you know.
16:00Oh.
16:02Not even when we make love.
16:05Not much to talk about, is it, the rate we go at it.
16:07You still do it as if your mother's watching.
16:14It's you.
16:15You're not thoughtful enough.
16:18Thoughtful enough?
16:19I do far more thinking about it than actually getting it.
16:22Well, that's your fault.
16:25You should try and...
16:27You should try and rouse me more.
16:32Rouse you more?
16:33You're playing rusted owl in the old days it is.
16:36Well, you'll shut up shouting.
16:38That's all you're any good at, barging in with two feet.
16:40It's the same when you get that look in your eye.
16:45I always know when you feel like messing about.
16:49Messing about?
16:50Well, that's a lovely way of putting it, isn't it?
16:52That puts it straight on our high spiritual plane, doesn't it?
16:55Oh, where do you put it?
16:56With your smart, sophisticated, romantic approaches.
17:00I'll get a smack across the backside,
17:02a dig with your elbow, one boozy wink,
17:04and that's supposed to throw me senses in a world.
17:08Yeah, it's a waste of time trying it gentle.
17:10Do you remember what you said to me last time
17:12I tried to give you a squeeze in bed?
17:13Will you keep your voice down?
17:16Not quite, but something very similar.
17:21I don't think Gorgie's really wild about this.
17:40I don't think Gorgie's too wild about this either.
18:07Gorgie, gear up, Gorgie!
18:10Gorgie!
18:11I'm dead!
18:38Oh, no.
18:41Our garden still looks buoyed.
18:44It's the loneliness.
18:46Those of us who've been called to military command know all about loneliness.
18:50They said they were only a corporal.
18:53Well, if I'd taken a commission,
18:55who would have finished painting the ten-foot regimental badge on the guardroom wall?
18:59It was all done freehand, you know, in defiance of every tradition.
19:03I have seen sergeants of regimental police fall silent in front of it.
19:09It was my Sistine Chapel.
19:12What your garden wants is a more active hobby, like daydreaming.
19:16What our garden wants is the pain and magic that comes in having a bird.
19:20Isn't it wonderful to think that you can transform your life by just going out and buying yourself a canary?
19:25Pain and magic?
19:27For the sort of woman you've had, what do you know about pain and magic?
19:31Do you mean big or druse to twist your arm?
19:34Oh, the wish you wanted money.
19:36Romance is like that.
19:38Birds is wild and mysterious.
19:42I've heard about that horrible thing you picked up at the labour exchange.
19:47Work?
19:48No, not work.
19:49There were the steel toe caps.
19:51Oh, that one, Edna.
19:53I shall almost remember, Edna.
19:56Well, cover yourself up.
20:12Gordon, your nose is red.
20:14If the cars start to queue up, you'd better find something green to wave.
20:19Oh, Gordon, put your rod down.
20:21We can see it from the window while we have a cup of tea.
20:23Come on, now.
20:25OK.
20:31Is the coat out?
20:32Three.
20:33I'll throw them straight back again.
20:35I like your Gordon.
20:37Do you ever get bored fishing, Gordon?
20:40You can't get bored with fishing.
20:42You're on edge all the time.
20:44Something could happen any minute.
20:46Ah, the cap could blow off.
20:48Or it could start to rain.
20:49No, no, no.
20:50It's exciting.
20:51It's man the hunter pitting his wits against little silvery waterproof ferrets
20:57instead of leaving them to their natural habitat of newspaper chips and peas.
21:02Aye, they're sometimes very cunning.
21:04Gordon.
21:06Has there ever thought about man the hunter pitting his wits against the female of the species?
21:12Ah, it's not always easy to tell whether the fish you've caught is male or female.
21:16Oh.
21:17You see, he's not talking about fish.
21:20He's not talking about ladies in skirts, or in his case, steel-toed boots.
21:26Well, she only wore them for work.
21:28Women, Gordon.
21:29You know what women are, don't you, Gordon?
21:31They're them what scream when they see you handling your maggots.
21:34Ah, bread man screams when he sees me handling me maggots.
21:36What, the one with the lace coughs on his nylon overall?
21:39Aye, that's the one.
21:40A bread man with lace coughs?
21:42Aye, on his nylon overall.
21:44Norman, Norman.
21:45It's a long story.
21:46Oh, well.
21:47I suppose they need effeminate bread men for people who like effeminate bread.
21:53Gordon, one of the joys of coming your way on holiday is that it gives you a great opportunity of meeting interesting people of the opposite sex.
22:02That is, if you're so inclined.
22:04I never know what to say to women.
22:06They never seem impressed.
22:08Ah, well, husbands can vouch for that.
22:10Gordon, sit down.
22:11Sit down, Gordon.
22:12Now, listen.
22:13You teach us how to fish, and we'll teach thee how to chat up the odd bird.
22:18And when he says odd bird, he does mean odd bird.
22:25You bring it back over your head with a gentle sweeping motion.
22:30Well, that sounds very similar to my favourite school of Japanese swordplay.
22:34Then you give it a quick flick.
22:36As any expert at kendo should be quite at home with this.
22:39I'm wrong with this.
22:40Shut the giggle.
22:41I've got to drink it.
22:43And the width of the rod and the weight of the cast sends it snaking out for hundreds of yards.
22:49You'd better stand back.
22:50I don't know how far I'm going to throw it.
22:53Don't let go of the handle, else you'll have to go swimming for Gordon's rod.
22:57He'll soon pick it up.
22:58You'll see.
22:59It gets exciting.
23:01PHONE RINGS
23:24Right, is there, Gordon?
23:25It looks exciting.
23:26I hope he sends us a postcard.
23:33I'd like to know what he's done with my rod.
23:36Well, I don't see why you're bothered, really.
23:37I mean, you keep on chucking them back, don't you?
23:40Hey, look.
23:41It's the old man from the sea himself.
23:44Well, well, well, where have you been?
23:46I've been down that disco.
23:48Oh, there's some lovely bits of stuff down there.
23:51You ought to get down there, Gordon, and sort yourself out a bit.
23:54I'm just getting comfy here.
23:55No, no, Gordon, you can overcome your shyness by pure effort of will.
23:59Or perhaps getting a little stonkers.
24:02See, all you need is the determination to drink that drink up,
24:05get on your feet and go down that disco.
24:07And pick up the best bit of crumpet on the floor.
24:10Or even one that's still on our feet.
24:13You see, it is all in the mind, Gordon.
24:16Once you've made your mind up, you can do it.
24:20I don't know.
24:21Wrong, you do know.
24:22So, go, Gordon, you can feel the determination flowing through there.
24:27Come on.
24:29That's it.
24:30Ha, ha, ha.
24:31Aye.
24:32Go, go, go, Gordon.
24:33Go, go, go, go, Gordon.
24:34Go, go.
24:35Go, go.
24:35Ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:36Hee, hee, hee.
24:38Hee, hee, hee.
24:40That's marvellous.
24:41Well, it's just leadership.
24:43That's all.
24:44You know, I didn't go on the senior NCO's course for nothing.
24:47I didn't know you had to pay.
24:53Fancy saving up to be a corporal?
24:56I was officer material.
24:58Now, if the war hadn't come to an end as soon as it did, I'd have had a commission.
25:03Well, don't blame me for the peace coming so soon.
25:05I wasn't fighting all that hard.
25:08That's not what Nora Batty said on VE, mate.
25:10Come on, drink up, lads.
25:13I'll get another round.
25:14It's my turn, I think, isn't it?
25:16Duh.
25:17Oh, look, there's a chap just like you and Gordon going up the road.
25:21That is our Gordon.
25:23Ha, ha, ha.
25:23His determination has faltered.
25:25Oh, dear.
25:26Oh, dear.
25:27I should have gone with him.
25:29Oh, very irresistible that would have been.
25:32Oh, good mind to go out and pick him up about and take him back to the digs.
25:35Oh, it's not that kind of digs.
25:36Listen, I could pick up a lovely piece of crackly.
25:41What makes you think you could attract any female?
25:44Sit down, lads.
25:51Just watch the old master at work.
25:54Ah, I was born under a wandering sky.
26:00I don't talk much.
26:02Well, I used to engage this big blabbermouth.
26:04I'm probably in the finest condition in all England to appreciate quietness.
26:08Er, it's your move.
26:10Oh, yeah.
26:14Er, is he back yet, your Uncle Bill?
26:17I thought he was with you.
26:18No, the little fool's gone off in search of, er, romantic interest.
26:23You can say women, Foggy.
26:24It's not a four-letter word.
26:27What's that dreadful noise?
26:29Er, er, this is Josie.
26:31Josie comes from Linley Street back home.
26:33Oh, disgraceful behaviour.
26:35How do you do, Josie?
26:36How do you do?
26:37We've, er, just started a, er, game.
26:39Oh, yes, yes.
26:40Oh, I think it must be a ladies choir from a local building site.
26:45Oh, God.
26:47Look.
26:48Look, it's him, that horrible little man.
26:50Oh, man.
26:51Turn him out.
26:52Let's have him on the plane, man.
26:53Just the lining of your wallet.
26:55Hey, God, I...
26:56I've found him a bird.
27:00Oh, er, er, this is Josie, Uncle Bill.
27:03Er, we're just playing chess.
27:04Er, Josie, come here.
27:05Are they with you?
27:06Are you bloody coming or not?
27:08That's her mate.
27:09Yours is all right.
27:10Hey, you're not nasty.
27:12Are we going to stay out here till close in time, then?
27:16Ah, you...
27:17You see, I had to tell him that we worked on an oil rig.
27:22Oh, not an oil rig.
27:23What do you mean, we?
27:25Well, I've got one for each of us, you see.
27:27Look at that one.
27:28We only have a door ring.
27:29We have a blue end on all.
27:31I think the time of Sunderbolt feed your ferret.
27:33Good idea.
27:34No, no, don't leave me.
27:35What am I going to do with four of them?
27:37The mind boggles.
27:39What is it?
27:40Listen, don't you want to be the fun?
27:42I don't want a bit of anything, thank you.
27:45You rotten lot.
27:48Hey, listen, Gordon.
27:49Two apiece could be a bit full.
27:51I will show you a big suspender.
27:56Well, that's it.
28:01That's it.
28:02That's the last time I go out trying to pick up birds for you two.
28:05Thank heaven for that.
28:08Supposing they'd raped us.
28:09Fully clothed.
28:12Doesn't bear thinking about it.
28:14Oh, I don't know.
28:17Anyway, it was a bit of excitement.
28:20Yeah, something to remember.
28:22One of the joys of going on holiday is the opportunity of meeting interesting people of the opposite sex.
28:29They didn't mean any harm.
28:30Oh, well, you can go and tackle them if you like.
28:32But if I were you, I'd tell them it's a very small oil rig.
28:37A lighter fuel.
28:38Oh, well, you're good.
28:39Oh, well, you're extreme.
28:43So the rabbit is, I'm too hot.
28:47Oh, well, you're much more like you can eat again.
28:49Right.
28:50Oh, well...