- 5/9/2025
Michael McDonald returns home to Orange County for his debut stand-up comedy special: Model Citizen.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00You
00:08Ladies and gentlemen, Michael McDonald
00:30So I kind of feel like what's happening here is a little bit like you and I are on an internet date
00:51We obviously you got your tickets online and I think the rules of internet dating should apply between us
00:57So I've already started it off by showing up looking a little older than you thought
01:07And so I'm just gonna keep the ball rolling by I'm gonna just be the one who dominates the conversation does all the talking
01:14You guys should just be the ones that just you know drink too much get shit-faced and laugh no matter what I say
01:21And then we'll all go home and fuck
01:27Um
01:30Orange County, this is where I'm from. This is my hometown here. Orange County
01:42I'm actually from Fullerton, which is
01:48Which is the Paris of Orange County
01:50Do you guys um do you guys remember when in order to be famous you had to have some kind of skill like you had to be a singer or a dancer or a
02:02An athlete right?
02:05Now you just have to be an asshole
02:09Like John and Kate at plus eight, right?
02:12Like she's an asshole. He's an asshole. The kids are probably gonna grow up to be assholes
02:19I mean, I hope they're not but the odds aren't good, right?
02:21And then like the Kardashians, you know that show, right?
02:25Like why don't they call that show what it really is?
02:27Armenian whorehouse
02:36And like the mom is the pimp
02:38Right, I mean if you see her the way she's whoring those kids out. She's like
02:42Courtney have you had your sex tape released online yet?
02:45We'll shave your back and get to it. Let's go
02:53And Bruce Jenner what the hell happened to Bruce Jenner?
02:57He was on the Wheaties box and now he looks like he is transitioning from male to female
03:03I mean, he looks like a bird who went through a fire
03:08It's horrible and I mean he's had like a lot of you know plastic surgery and I which he openly admits
03:13It seems like a really nice guy and I'm not against plastic surgery, but don't have your work done at El Pollo Loco
03:23And then of course, you know the the king of all assholes is Octomom. She's getting her own show. Do you know this?
03:30You didn't know this. All right. Well, I don't know
03:31Maybe you guys are probably paying attention to the fact that we're in two wars
03:36Let me tell you what's really important in happening in America
03:38Okay
03:40Okay, so Octomom for those of you who don't know she is a lady who
03:46Was not married
03:48No job. No husband already had six kids and some of them were fucked up, right? You know that some of them are
03:56Okay, she has eight more
03:59Six seven eight
04:14Like her ob-gyn had to close her vagina like it was an old-fashioned suitcase on a bed
04:21Like
04:29And she is training to be a therapist
04:32Those are the facts not the jokes. Sorry
04:36How fucked up do you have to be to go to Octomom for advice?
04:41I
04:43I
04:43Have a family of skunks stuffed in my ass
04:49And I thought you would be the only one who could relate
04:54And then you know like have you seen her like the interviews of her or whatever like she's got that long wavy jet black hair
05:00and uh
05:02This
05:05And a lot of people say that she is having plastic surgery so that she can look like Angelina Jolie
05:10I say no she is just growing a second vagina
05:23Because this one said I quit
05:28Fuck you lady are you crazy
05:37Uh anybody here have a dog
05:39I got a dog I got a dog I love my dog you love your dogs I know that's true
05:42But I think that everybody who has a dog they kind of every once in a while they will stumble across
05:47They'll say the following they'll be like my dog is so smart
05:51She is so smart
05:52She's a really smart dog like my dog isn't my dog is fucking dumb and so is yours their dogs
06:00And that's what makes them fun. That's what makes them entertaining is their stupidity
06:05every
06:06Morning with without exception about an hour after I feed my dog she's laying down very happily
06:13And she looks at me with a look of holy terror
06:26like
06:26Like they have let michael vick out of prison
06:37Oh wait they did
06:38I guess he'll get his own show soon
06:41I like to think of myself as a good person
06:47I'm not but I like to think of myself as well
06:50And uh so every once in a while I don't know I'll like take some stuff
06:54And bring it down to the goodwill
06:55And uh I packed up my car with it's beats doing laundry
06:59Um it was I packed up my car with stuff and uh brought it down to the goodwill
07:04And up in la where the goodwill is it's not a good area like the it's called vaseline alley where you
07:11It's yeah, which I don't the mind wanders. I'm sure
07:15So anyway, the way it works is you know, you kind of drop the stuff off in the back of the store
07:21And then uh, that's the receiving area whatever. So, uh, like I'm pulling stuff out of my car doing loads and uh
07:27Uh, they're they everyone in the store was like you are such a good person
07:31I'm like I agree
07:33And um as I was making my trips back and forth I noticed out of the corner of my eye this homeless dude
07:39And he's kind of sitting on the edge of one of those giant dumpsters
07:42And he's got bare feet and he's trying to pick stuff out of the garbage with his feet
07:48Like how bad is your day when you're
07:51pawing so it's and he's one of those like the the level of homelessness, you know, there's varying degrees, right?
07:57You know, everybody has their first day of homelessness
08:00Where you know like they look kind of like an extra from mary poppins, you know, a little chimney soot. Hello, I'm a little homeless
08:07And then obviously it gets worse over time like this dude was I mean he was like a member of the super homeless
08:12He looked like chaka from land of the lost
08:18It was it was bad is what i'm trying to say so
08:21uh as i'm you know doing my charity work and passing by him and then on my last trip
08:27uh he's gone he's not in the dumpster and I just kind of you know thought oh well and then at the last minute
08:32I'm getting ready to get into my car and I see this like over the edge of the dumpster. Hey, buddy
08:38Hey, buddy
08:39I fell in the dumpster
08:41I can't get out
08:43Now i'm a good person, but i'm not that good of a person
08:49I'm also a germ phobe like and I saw that dude. It was not like pretty, you know, but you know, hey, buddy
08:55I'm like, you know, what do I do
08:59And then I had a thought and I go I don't I'm not gonna let you give up on yourself man
09:04I bet you can climb out of there. I believe in you. You can do it
09:09I've been trying for a while. I haven't eaten in a while. I'm pretty weak
09:13I'm like, fuck
09:16This is not looking good. So finally I just go I bet you 20 bucks you can climb out of there
09:21He climbs out
09:24So, you know, I think to myself like I'm happy to pay up, you know, he earned it and everything
09:27So I give him his 20 bucks and he does this. Thank you, man
09:34And at that point I was like, dear god, please rain Purell
09:38You know
09:43The economy here is horrible as you guys all know and like the housing market is really terrible
09:48I really played it stupidly. I bought a house at the top of the market
09:52And it is my house is now worth approximately what you guys paid for a couple of drinks
09:59So like I would swap my house for two glasses of good wine at this point
10:04Um, and it's it worries me because I also in addition to buying a house
10:08I couldn't afford I had the kitchen and the bathrooms gutted and I filled them with marble and you know all that kind of
10:15I needed a beautiful place to kill myself
10:17That's what it is
10:19So when you see me on the local news
10:21Uh hanging from a tuscan bean
10:29There's gonna be a note on my lapel that says look at the tile it's gorgeous
10:33And you know, we we elected barack obama and he was supposed to fix everything right
10:43And i'm a little worried, you know, I now I think I may have mistaken him for the magical black man from the green mile
10:49Any catholics here in the crowd?
10:58Awesome. Excellent. All right, so for those of you who aren't
11:01The way it works is the like the catholics have a weird system
11:05The boys and the girls can go to school together up until high school
11:08And then they separate the boys and the girls, so they you know, they don't fuck right so
11:14Blow jobs
11:15Negotiable
11:18Anyway, so I went to an all-male catholic school called servite high school right here in anaheim
11:24The girls school was called rosary high school you guys ever heard of that?
11:28Okay, so yeah, it's in fullerton and to me it's like
11:32Naming a girl's catholic school rosary high school is a little bit of like catholic overkill
11:39It's it's like calling a jewish college yarmulke you
11:45Or like I don't know like a muslim soccer team the mad bombers
11:48We're okay
12:02We're all right
12:04Oh, so wait that reminds me so um
12:06I had the great honor and privilege of performing for our soldiers uh in iraq and uh yeah, they're the most awesome people in the world
12:14The most awesome people in the world and it was a great honor to do so and uh
12:22The show that we did was kind of an improvised show where we we made everything up based on the audience suggestions
12:27And you know whenever that we did a scene
12:29Um, I would just sort of uh talk in the local iraqi dialect and just be like that was my little
12:37You know like if we were in a store it'd be like how much for this soda i'd say a dollar ninety
12:41And blah blah blah and blah blah blah sense you know whatever so that was my little bit my very respectful homage
12:47um
12:48To the uh the language and um when the show was over the show went very well, but after the show
12:54um
12:54We all sort of sat at a table and everybody you know had a stack of headshots with them when we signed autographs and took pictures
13:01And most importantly of course thanked the soldiers for their service and everybody had you know like a hundred soldiers in their line
13:08As I did but at the end of my line. I had something a little different which was uh an iraqi woman
13:15And this was the look on her face
13:27So I was getting nervous right and as I was signing autographs
13:30She was just getting one closer and one closer
13:33And I just started to break out in the sweat and stuff and there was just one soldier left and then her and so like as I was signing the autograph
13:40I said thank you for keeping us safe sergeant
13:43And he was like thanks steward and like away he ran
13:56I was like
13:58So there I was face to face with this iraqi lady and you know, she wasn't having it. She was mad. So she said to me, uh
14:06Mr. Macdonald
14:08My name is salim. I am a translator for the american troops
14:14Mr. Macdonald
14:16Because I do this I jeopardize not only my life, but also the life of my entire family
14:24Mr. Macdonald
14:27The way you make my people sound
14:29That is not the way my people sound
14:36They sound like this
14:46Scared the she-eye out of me
14:47When you do uh stand-up comedy you you usually you have to like if you're traveling around
15:01You usually have to do local news or any kind of press you can to get people to come to your show
15:06And so I was in arizona and they had the
15:10Just I don't know. It was a very nice show. It was like this local guy who had been around forever
15:15And sure enough, he was a very nice guy
15:17But it was this real low rent show where it was just kind of like a corner in an office
15:22And you had like a panel where sometimes you talked with one other person
15:25And the worst thing that you can have as a comic is to be paired with you know, someone who's sincere
15:32and um
15:33You know as luck would have it who I was also going to be interviewed with was this lady
15:37Very nice lady who had just overcome bulimia a lifetime of it
15:41And I was like, you know, what are the odds?
15:43So and pat mcmahon, you know, this very nice guy, but he you know kind of not really aware of the his own impact
15:52So he was like, uh, so tell me uh, honey
15:55This bulimia thing. I mean, I just don't get it
15:58What I mean, what's it all about? I don't understand how you get to this point. Can you explain what goes on?
16:04And so the lady was just like, um, well
16:08It is uh
16:10It's consuming
16:14And then I pop in, but only temporarily am I right?
16:19Um
16:20Yeah, it's about it's about how it went
16:24I realized like I've got um, I don't know like
16:27This thing happens with me where I I sort of think uh, you know, and being in comedy for as long as I have
16:33I forget like what is an appropriate statement or not
16:36Uh, so for instance and it happens like even with my own good friends
16:39Like for instance, I was at a dinner party with a large group of friends
16:42There was one person at the party I did not know at the table
16:45And uh, that's all it takes for me is to like go into that mode
16:48Like I gotta get them to like me and I know I'll tell them one of my hilarious stories
16:52And they'll laugh and then they'll like me
16:54So we were at a restaurant and uh, I I divide restaurants into two different categories
17:00Um, there are nice restaurants and then there are restaurants that allow fucking kids
17:05Right
17:08It's not it's not that I don't love kids. I love kids. I just think that they are safer in their cages
17:14I mean, I think that's
17:16That's not me. That's parenthood today that says that anyway, so we're there and um
17:22Next to us is one a table with a mother and you know like the they have these new like
17:28I don't know baby carriages that are like, I don't know lunar modules now
17:31They're huge and there's like they could go over mars with them and everything
17:35And there's a baby in the thing and it's going like
17:38You know making that horrible sound roughly translated from baby to adult is I'm gonna fuck up your night and your night and your night
17:46Like like so
17:50And then the mom is drinking whatever that kind of wine is that makes them deaf to their own children's pitch
17:56Right
17:58So everyone at my table I was doing one of my hilarious stories and everyone's looking over at you know the thing here
18:03So it's like yeah, I got to get them back, right?
18:06I know how I can get back their attention. I will get them back with a little joke
18:09So I lean into my table and I go apparently that woman doesn't realize her abortion is still alive
18:18That's what happened
18:19What are you fucking kidding me? What?
18:23What?
18:25And you know it happens like even like with my own family, it's crazy
18:30You would think that my family would be used to me by now, but apparently not so
18:34I went to a family reunion and I have to say that I went for obviously because I love my family very much
18:42And also because I need material for nights like tonight
18:48So the family reunion was very lovely my mom organizes all that kind of stuff now
18:55She's a very staunch catholic so she wanted to have a catholic priest bless the family reunion and
19:02And so we did we brought a priest but also because my mom is a very good hostess and there were going to be children there
19:08She wanted them to be you know entertained
19:10So she found a priest who could juggle
19:14They exist
19:15Okay, so and you know it's going very well
19:18He's I don't know spinning the plates or the bowling pins whatever he had at the time and saying the prayers
19:23It's all going very well
19:24And one of my aunts turns to me and says isn't your mom wonderful?
19:28She found a priest who can juggle
19:32And I kind of turned to her and I said I don't know
19:34I don't know if it's that hard to find a priest who's willing to surround himself with kids and do this
19:49So my aunt was like what?
19:52She stomps away I lost her right? Okay, so
19:55I went to where the the men in the family were which for me is at the bar and
20:01The safety of it and there was one of my uncles who I had not seen in I don't know 10 or 15 years
20:05And the first thing he says to me after all that time is Michael
20:10Have you had plastic surgery?
20:13And I go yeah, I just had my dick shortened so I could fit in with the family better
20:16Fuck
20:23I was like no, fuck it. I stand by that joke. I enjoyed it
20:29So anyway then all of a sudden I hear from the crowd hey asshole
20:33And I don't know about you, but my experience has been when I'm in a crowd and I hear the words hey asshole
20:38They mean me
20:41So I turned it was one of my cousins and he goes I can't believe you said that to him
20:45I go why and he goes he just had prostate surgery
20:47You just made a dick shortening joke to a man who just had his dick surgically shortened
20:58I was like how should I have known that should I have checked you know his facebook page
21:05Status sad just had dick surgically shortened send
21:11And what about the whole facebook thing and myspace and all those like social things like we know way too much about each other already
21:17Don't you think I think I hate it when somebody like
21:20Sends me whatever I just ate a sandwich yum
21:30Just shit out the sandwich from yesterday yum
21:33Fuck you
21:35I sort of feel like we get our taste in comedy very much like how we get our taste in food
21:42You know we end up liking whatever mama cooked up for us
21:46So like if you're I don't know from an indian family your mom probably cooked spicy food
21:51You grow up liking spicy food and for me comedically my mom cooked up giant vats of fucked up
21:58With crazy gravy and I was like mmm delicious
22:03Like I couldn't get enough of it. I like it. I like things sick
22:09I don't know if you noticed
22:11Um, so if I if I can I'd like to give you a sample of my mom's cooking
22:21So um my mom is a lovely lady and she stayed at home my dad worked and very idyllic childhood
22:28And uh that was all great, but every once in a while there would be a little surprise when I came home from school
22:33I was about seven years old and uh walked in and uh
22:39Opened the door and said mom i'm home and I kind of heard from the distance
22:42Uh, I'm upstairs
22:45So I ran upstairs and by the way our house was like a brady bunch house, you know
22:49Like where upstairs was just three steps like no architectural purpose at all
22:54But just fuck it. Let's put some stairs here. Just three. Fuck it. So
22:57So
22:59Bounded up the stairs to my mom's
23:01Bathroom and there was my mom um and she had a very sad look on her face and I said uh mom what's wrong and she said
23:09this
23:12And on her tongue was the most hideous horrible disgusting growth that I'd ever seen
23:18And I said what is that and she said
23:22It's cancer
23:25And I said oh, no, what do we do?
23:28And she said
23:30Well, I want you to go into the kitchen and get a knife
23:33I'm like, okay, what?
23:37Round down the stairs a little less joyfully
23:39Into the kitchen and grabbed a giant knife and a roll of paper towels because I was a scout
23:47And I went into the bathroom to cut the cancer off my mom's tongue
23:51You've all been there, right? It's a universal story. Yes. Okay
23:55Anyway, as I went to do it at the very last minute, my mom kind of brushed my hand aside and went like this
24:02It was just a contact, honey
24:04As I came to I realized that my mom had you know really given me a great gift
24:22Uh number one she felt that at age seven I was smart enough to get the joke
24:31And also more importantly you could joke about anything with her no subject was off limits like as long as it was a joke
24:39Fucking go for it, right?
24:41So I was like, let's go let the let the comedy begin lady you're on let's let's have at it
24:45And so my my relationship with my mom largely consisted of each of us trying to mess with each other's head
24:53via comedy
24:54So I always felt like that was a game best played out in public
25:01So
25:02Like we'd be at the grocery store and every small town everybody knew who we were and as you know
25:07We were sliding the groceries and stuff. I would just sort of announce to the whole store mom
25:12Why don't we also buy all of your alcohol here as well?
25:20And then my mom knowing the game was on would go oh no
25:27Making her look like the craziest alcoholic that ever lived
25:29And uh we're we're irish catholics uh any any irish folks in the crowd awesome good. Oh, thank god
25:40Uh, so then then you guys know like the way it works with the irish is if it's bleak and dark and horrible. Let's talk about that
25:51Like the sicker illness is really a good one death even better of course
25:55um, but as long as it's really
25:58Messed up and twisted and fucked up. Let's talk about that. Okay, so um, my mom and I were I don't know
26:03I think we were watching like, uh, you know the terry schivo case
26:06That was the lady who was in a coma and her husband wanted to pull the plug and the family didn't it was on the news all the time
26:12And you remember that video of her in the hospital was she looking at the balloon?
26:17You know was her eyes falling right? It was awful, right horrible
26:21And so we're watching that like it was I don't know the only thing to do
26:24And uh, my mom kind of um
26:27After you know just got silent and I always know when she gets silent that something good's gonna come out
26:32So she's watching it where the whole thing happened and she just turns me out of the blue and says
26:37Oh, that's awful. Michael do me a favor if I am ever in a state like that. Just spray me in the face with a can of Raid
26:43Meaning, you know, she didn't want to linger and that if I was any kind of good son at all, I would kill her with bug spray
26:56So, you know, I just tuck that in the back of my mind whatever and uh
27:00Just another one of my mom's gems and my parents are getting older now and I don't know about you guys
27:06But my thought this is my theory about having a conversation with an elderly parent
27:12Having a conversation with an elderly parent is a lot like being on a game show
27:16Where you have to guess the correct answer
27:21In order for the conversation to move forward at all
27:25Right, so typical example, uh went to my parents house and my mom, uh, oh, Michael. Oh, thank god
27:32You're here. Thank goodness. I'm so happy. Um, listen, it's it's awful
27:36The uh, the people that live in the um, uh, uh, the uh, uh, like the neighbors. Yes
27:50What about the neighbors? Oh, it's awful. It's really awful. They, uh, you know, as you know, they have, um
27:58Um, and you probably saw and it uh, it's oh, it's a mess
28:06Um, I'm gonna take a guess and say the neighbors trees are dropping leaves on our property. Yes
28:14What would you like me to do? Oh, if you could talk to the guy the little guy, you know, the little guy
28:20Uh, looks like a child, but isn't
28:23The gardener?
28:24Yes
28:28What would you like me to tell the gardener mom? Well, if you could just have him after he cleans up our yard
28:33Have him clean up the neighbor's yard and we will pay for it. It's just I the the woman next door. It's just awful
28:39She just came down with a terrible case of um
28:45Don't tell me it's
28:48You do not want this
28:49Oh, Alzheimer's
29:00So I turned to my mom and said, uh, mom is it time for me to get that can of Raid?
29:04And my mom sort of snaps out of me and goes, no, no, no, no, no
29:14Um, but if you ever do ask me that question and I don't know what I'm talking about use it
29:19That's my mom
29:29My mom can make a joke about anything and that's what I love about her
29:32Um, it's uh, she's my mom is also sort of the if you haven't already noticed my mom is the inspiration for the character of Stewart's mom
29:40And uh, who was so brilliantly played by mo collins and uh, my mom would she would say like that has nothing to do with
29:50What happened? You know like giving her her due?
29:53She says no, but like for me I all I would do is I on like the set of mad tv
29:58I would just like walk up with scripts and give them to people and they'd be like this is so fucked up
30:02And I was like that was so 1975
30:07Anyway, um, for me I really enjoyed doing Stewart and I'm glad that people liked it and stuff
30:11But I also do know that the universe has a way of letting you know when something is over and done
30:18And that happened for me doing a Stewart sketch one time
30:21We were we were shooting a Stewart sketch
30:23We were on set and I was in my wig and I had you know my big shoes
30:27And I had my rouge on my plaid shirt and my eyes were crossed
30:31And we were doing that soon
30:39It was going really well
30:41And then again time for me to get on the floor
30:43And that's it
30:44And I said don't
30:51And then like out of the blue the sound guy comes out and says I'm sorry we got a cut
30:54There's a sound issue not a big deal sorry just a sound issue
30:56And I was like kind of irritated because I don't like to you know stop and start and
30:59But that's you know the way show business works so I was like all right let's do it again
31:04And uh got back you know re-applied rouge got my wig straightened and uh away we were doing the scene
31:10And it was going really well again and we were having a lot of fun
31:14I was going a little farther and then finally had to get down on the floor and I did
31:18And I said don't
31:21And again the sound guy comes out he goes cut we got to cut and now I'm fucking mad right
31:26He's like I want to know why we have to cut
31:28He's like you want to know I'm like yeah I want to know like I got street but I'm dressed as a baby
31:32I want to know he's like all right I'll tell you every time you kick your leg
31:39Your knee is clicking so loud it's picking up on the microphones
31:45And yeah it hit me like a ton of bricks like holy I'm way too old to be playing a baby
31:53And you know getting older is I don't know it's really um I like to try and find you know the humor in anything
32:00It's really hard to find the humor in getting older because it just fucking sucks
32:05Right like you know if you're a dude like your balls drop
32:09And uh like a good day for for me is when I don't sit on my balls
32:20It's always like oh all right
32:22We're all right
32:30Do you guys all know Kathy Griffin?
32:35So uh she's an old friend of mine and a very funny comic and uh
32:39Kathy and I we've known each other forever and we've always had this little game that we've done where we'll be having a conversation
32:45And then just out of nowhere at a moment of Kathy's choosing without any notification to me
32:50She will just yell out catch me and then she will jump in the air and I have to fucking catch her
32:55Because that's so much fun for me
32:58Anyway so we've done it forever and I hadn't seen her in a long time and we finally got ran into each other
33:04And we're talking about stuff and in the middle of the conversation she just says catch me and I was like catch me
33:08What's that mean? Oh right the game
33:11So I went to catch her but of course I was you know a little slow so I caught her down low like this
33:17And I don't know if you've ever had that thing happen
33:21Like has anybody ever if you've ever been macheted in the back
33:25It's the same thing like have you been macheted from the top of your head to the tip of your heel sliced
33:31Okay, so that's what fucking happened and but I was embarrassed because it meant I was older right
33:36So I didn't want anyone to notice and luckily as I let Kathy go she was talking about her career
33:40So she's like blah blah blah blah she didn't notice a thing at all
33:44But I had to like still walk away and it was like one of the extras in Michael Jackson's thriller videos
33:55So I was in so much pain I had to go see a physical therapist
33:58Anybody here in the medical field or healthcare field?
34:01Okay, great. I would like to report somebody
34:04I
34:07His name is
34:09He works in West LA and I was in so much pain that I had fantasized about what it was going to be like to see a physical therapist
34:17Like I imagined was going to be sort of swooping in on a cloud of dry ice
34:22And just with like a funnel of pills and he was just going to dump in my mouth
34:27Going to float away
34:29Instead this is what I got
34:34I was like what I don't know if no Kathy Griffin, but we do this game
34:41And he was like there are people in show business coming here all the time
34:44I don't care. I don't have time just lay on the table pain side up
34:47Sorry, all right fine. So I'm laying on the table pain side up and again
34:51He does not explain a thing to me
34:52He slides one arm in between my thighs one arm around the back of my neck and then presses his dick like into mine
35:05Manipulating my spine
35:08Saying let it go! Let it go! Let it go!
35:12I pop off the table like am I on youtube? Is this porn?
35:17Am I a porn star?
35:19And he says uh, how do you feel?
35:25And I go uh, like Jodie Foster on that pinball machine
35:29That's how I feel
35:33And I had to go see him for like two months but
35:35I will say this he eventually did it all worked out because look what I can do
35:40Uh, I am trying to figure out what to do with myself now that I have you know all this free time
35:59And uh, one of the things I was thinking about is you know, hey
36:02Mad TV's over, but that doesn't mean I can't go and do other things like
36:06I don't know Al Franken after Saturday Night Live became a senator, right?
36:10Maybe
36:12Maybe I should go into politics
36:15So
36:17Really? I don't have your vote?
36:19Wow
36:20All right
36:21Let me see if I can convince you
36:23Here's my thought is
36:24I only really have a passion for one issue
36:28And that is for the legalization of marijuana
36:31Now
36:36Now she's on board
36:38All right
36:39Um, now I noticed not everybody cheered and I and I get it like that not everybody is in agreement
36:45But that would be my job as a politician is to you know bring everybody aboard to my way of thinking
36:51So let me let me see if I can do it
36:52Um, I think that and I know that this first one's going to sound a little vague
36:57But I think we should legalize marijuana because it would just make everything better
37:04Starting with your friends
37:06Like if you have unfunny friends get high they're going to seem hilarious
37:12And then they're like you know people on the left
37:14Well, you know you guys are all interested in recycling, right?
37:17Well
37:18How about this when you're high you can recycle anything including old tv shows
37:22Like I can watch an old episode of Charlie's Angels that I've seen a million times and I will just stand up and go
37:28I don't think they're going to get out of this one
37:34For those of you on the right, you know, maybe terrorism is an issue, right?
37:37If it was mandatory that everybody in the world had to get high
37:41Terrorists would be like hey, would you like to go kill innocent civilians?
37:45Ahmed and Ahmed would be like how about we kill this bag of Doritos
37:49Right?
37:57For me, you know what would be really my ideal job would be to have
37:59I watch the HGTV, you know that network, the home and garden network
38:03So I would love to have my own show on that network
38:06And it would be called Michael McDonald's High Style
38:09And each episode would consist of me smoking an entire joint on camera
38:17And then I would just rearrange the room I was in
38:28So I have this thing this pet peeve about Christmas letters that are sent out
38:34You know the Christmas letters that people send out that are like
38:36They have everything that you did that year that nobody asked you about, right?
38:43So I want to read a real Christmas letter to you
38:46This is a letter I received and tell me what you think
38:49I hope you enjoy it as much as I do
38:51Dear family and friends
39:01It's already that time of year again when we think of all of our family and friends
39:05Who we don't see very often and hope to hear from
39:11Our highlight of the year was a camera safari to Africa
39:14Everyone had a wonderful time
39:18Dan and I were there 24 years ago and had always said it was our most memorable trip
39:23So we decided to return to some of the places and visit new ones with the kids
39:31That is one area of the world where nothing has changed
39:36There are still military men running around with rifles who shouldn't have them
39:42Did I mention his Christmas letter?
39:44We visited a Maasai village where they continue to make their huts with cow dung, urine, and animal skins
39:54Everyone sounded like they were infected with TB
40:03Ding ding-a-ling, ding ding-a-ling
40:08Dan's mother is still in a nursing home
40:10We visited her in October took her out to dinner and to her home for the afternoon
40:18How fucking insane is that? Remember your home?
40:26Yes
40:26My parents were in an automobile accident in October
40:37The car was totaled
40:39My mother had a deep head gash which required 55 stitches
40:42She also had many bruises and was sore, swollen, and black and blue for weeks
40:48My father had gashes and injured his neck and shoulder
40:52He is now wearing a huge metal contraption which is screwed to his head
40:55May the holidays bring you joyful hours, pleasant memories, thoughts of friends, and much happiness
41:10Yeah
41:11I also had like a lot of great travels
41:17Through stand-up and one of them that I enjoyed very much was going to the city of Chicago
41:23Now anybody ever been to Chicago?
41:26It's a great place
41:29Something very odd about that city though
41:31They have signs I kid you not on their freeway that say hit a worker thousand dollar fine
41:37I looked at the sign and I was like
41:43I've got the money
41:52Hadn't even thought about it until you put a price on it
41:56My rule of thumb is you should be proud of wherever you're from as long as it's not fucking Pittsburgh
42:01Have you guys anybody here from Pittsburgh or ever been there?
42:04Okay, well, I have you have
42:06Okay, well, then you know what I'm about to say is true
42:09Okay, so first of all, it's Pittsburgh or as it's known Schittsburg
42:15Which like God took a shit and a city grew
42:18That's not me. That's the Bible that says that
42:22And so I was there in Pittsburgh and you know, I was playing you know comedy club there
42:26When you travel I sort of feel like you have to kind of get to know the you know the town
42:29And the easiest way for me to get to know the town is to watch the local news
42:33So this is me watching the local news in Pittsburgh
42:35It was like just clicking through the murder the murder the murder the suicide the murder the body was murdered
42:40Buried dug up re-raped and murdered again
42:45And these were the feel-good stories
42:47So and I kid you not the real story that was going on in Pittsburgh was right around this time last year
42:53It was Pittsburgh. I should say to its credit. They have a it's like a I guess a park for the blind
42:59It's like a like a safe place to wander and
43:04Which is like the bushes, you know, don't have prickers or anything like that. So that's that's good
43:08and uh
43:09Apparently like somebody you know vandalized the park for the blind which you know like how big of a
43:14A-hole do you have to be to like, you know, let's stick it to the blind
43:19But Pittsburgh is so horrible that even the blind didn't know it like they're like I can see the shittiness of Pittsburgh
43:25Like anyway, so
43:28The news was reporting on this story all about how the blind you know park had been vandalized and the the way that you know
43:34The news like they throw to the roving reporter
43:37So they kind of threw to her and the lady was so upset that she she literally didn't even hear them and she was just looking
43:44Oh, am I on? Okay
43:45Am I on?
43:52And also
43:55Like she couldn't even get the story out. She was so upset and this is where like I could never be a reporter because I would have been like
44:01Well, let's get to the bottom of it. Uh, did any of the kids see anything?
44:09I also went to spend some time down in the south and one of the things I like about the south is you can never tell
44:14When they say something you never know is it a like are they giving me a compliment or is it a challenge to a fight?
44:21Like you just don't know like I opened up a door for a mother and her children and uh
44:26As I opened the door the kids filed in and the woman at the last minute just says to me
44:31Well, aren't you sweet enough to kill a diabetic?
44:34I was like
44:38That's that's pretty sweet
44:40I'll take it
44:45And like a lot of towns are very particular about what how you say their town like the Louisville, Kentucky
44:51You know, it's spelled Lewisville, Kentucky, right?
44:53And it's not you don't even pronounce it if you call it Louisville, they'll get mad. It's like it's Louisville
44:59It's Louisville
45:02We like to say it that way so that when we're pulled over for DUI we get the town right
45:07I'm from Louisville officer
45:11You may go
45:12It's they're very very particular and a lot of times when I go on on the road
45:18I have to you know fill up the days I work at night and I went to uh
45:21I go to a lot of movies I guess and uh for me my
45:25General experience has been
45:27You know if you work in a movie theater, you are either a teenager or there's something wrong with you
45:33And uh, sure enough that like I already knew I could tell there was something wrong with the person working there
45:41His head was so pointy that if I was a baby, I'd want to stack rings on it
45:48And uh, he had like his shoulder blades jutted out really like far this way like
45:55Like he could applaud with his shoulder blades behind his back
45:58He was it was just a very unfortunate looking fellow and uh, you know, but there's no no big deal, right?
46:03Like everybody has their cross bear or whatever and uh, so sure enough I go to you know
46:08Just I wave the ticket at him because a lot of times they don't
46:11You know necessarily care, but he was like
46:13I need to tear your ticket in order so that you can go to the bathroom if you need to go
46:19And we know that the account and it's like holy shit like okay, it's worse than I thought, right?
46:23Like his voice sounded like a kermit the frog with a brain injury
46:28That's what it was
46:30So like wow, okay sure enough, buddy. Here you go. Here's the ticket and uh, as he
46:35As I handed him the ticket that he said he wanted to tear he like his arms were like, you know kind of crossed like defiantly
46:41And I was like what the fuck is
46:43And then I looked closer and they weren't like this. They were like this
46:47Like a t-rex throwing gang signs
46:52But but they don't come on down, right?
46:57So you know now I'm like holy shit like okay, we're gonna have to work as a team to get this thing done
47:03So I I go to put the ticket in the top of his hands and um
47:09Like they weren't opening and I was like jesus dude, you know help me out
47:13And uh, so he goes um if you put it in the bottom, which you know, like if I had a nickel
47:18I'm kidding so
47:21So like I go to put it in the the bottom, you know the thing and he I get it in the bottom there
47:27And for me, I've just found that like I have a degree of fame that can just get me into trouble
47:34So as I'm trying I get the ticket in the guy's hands and he's trying to turn the tear the tickets
47:40Which I I mean, I can't even that's hard to get the torque from that angle, right?
47:44That's tough for anybody
47:46So, uh, I just turned to my buddy and really quietly just whispered man for him tearing one ticket is like, you know
47:52tearing a phone book in half
47:54And all of a sudden I hear this behind me
47:56And I look and it's this lady like a just a stern lady give me this look like
48:00And then her face changes and she's like
48:06I know you
48:08I watch you every saturday night on television
48:11You're will ferrell
48:12And I was like, yes, I am
48:27So probably my favorite town of all to visit is Nashville, Tennessee
48:31And it's as you know, it's famous for two things country music and it's lesbians
48:39And those are two of my favorite things like I love I love lesbians
48:44I I feel like here we all are and here's lesbians they're up here
48:48Like and the reason is like they have the warm loving heart of a woman the can-do spirit of a man and the best weed
48:55It's true. Love your lesbians. Okay, so I was in Nashville and I wanted to
49:02You know combine my love for country music and for lesbians and we went to a lesbian karaoke bar
49:08And and by the way like I'm not talking about like lesbians
49:12Like you know sorority girls who did a tequila shot off each other's neck. I'm talking about lesbians, right?
49:18You know how like um in um the cartoons like the roadrunner cartoon like the the roadrunner would um you stop mid-air
49:28They'd freeze frame and be like baby and he'd freeze and then underneath it would say like birdus spasticus or whatever
49:34And the lesbians there it's like they they stop boom boom and they've got like sensible hair
49:40And you know like a flannel shirt and a keychain like schneider from one day at a time
49:44I'm
49:48Lesbianus americanus like the real thing okay, so we walk into the lesbian karaoke bar and I was immediately greeted by the head lesbian and
49:59They you know very structured uh society and uh, she said you know, it's nice to meet you. Welcome to my bar. My name is bj
50:06I
50:09Know I know I know I was like wow, you know a lesbian named bj
50:17That is like a gay man being named cunnilingus
50:22You know, it's ironic
50:25So bj introduces herself and then says you know, would you like to get high and I was like yes, please. Thank you very much
50:31And I should just say this right now. I um have medical marijuana
50:37I have a prescription for uh, not doing anything illegal and um, it's all you guys know we have medical marijuana in california, right?
50:46All right, and it's a very you thank god
50:50It's a very strict process you um go to a doctor
50:54Who has a clinic
51:01In a mini mall usually and you um, you know, they put you through a very serious exam and they ask you things like what is your illness?
51:09And I said I am sick of not being high
51:13I
51:20There you go
51:22So anyway, oh, where was I? Oh bj okay, so uh, bj introduced herself we go out to her uh pickup truck to get high
51:29And uh as we get in she hands me the joint and I realize like wow I just met this person there could be anything in this pot
51:34You know, so I turned to her and I said uh bj there's nothing crazy in here, is there?
51:39And uh, she said just a little Tennessee magic
51:43I was like, okay, that sounds legit. Thank you
51:52And as I went to smoke it I committed the ultimate stoner faux pas which was um, I don't know I guess I'm kind of a like a
51:58A nervous person. I've always had kind of a nervous way about me. My hands are a little shaky
52:02I'm just nervous and I don't know it's ever since I was little like and I don't know what it's from
52:07It might be because my mom put a contact on her tongue and said it was cancer
52:10I don't know I'm teasing my problems are my own mom
52:15Um anyway, so as I went to take the joint from her I committed the ultimate stoner faux pas and I dropped the joint
52:23Oh listen to this these guys are like, oh no
52:28You're with me and as it as it fell it just like in slow motion. I was like no
52:32But I didn't get it in time and it disappeared amongst all of the big gulp cups on the floor of bj's pickup truck
52:41And then like a flash she pulls out this thing like an antenna with a grabber on it
52:45And she just fishes in the dark and whips out the joint in nothing flat like a lesbian macgyver
52:49And I go bj how did you do that she goes i'm a lesbian and a school teacher we get shit done
53:00So love your lesbians
53:02I guess i'd have to say that
53:04You can probably tell from tonight like I don't know i've met and known a lot of awesome women in my life
53:09The way I see the world is like women really run the world and they just let men pretend that they do
53:15And that's fine with me
53:17It's too hard too hard to do
53:19But uh one of the other great women that I knew uh growing up it was one of my best friends and uh
53:24His mother was this awesome lady uh as my mom was like my mom taught me certain things
53:30Resilience and you know like being able to find a joke in anything and I'll always be grateful to her for that
53:36And uh my friend mike elliott's mom she was kind of the opposite of my mom my mom was kind of dark and complicated and
53:41And awesome and this she was awesome in a different way she was just this kind of big
53:46Larger than life lady really loud and when I say larger than life I mean she's a very
53:52Heavy woman she's a big fat woman there's no way to put it she's a very
53:55Fat lady like a ball of pizza dough with a wig like that's
54:00Okay
54:01But she never let it get her down like she
54:04Just made it work and she would be the type of lady that kind of announced herself wherever she came into a room or whatever
54:10She'd be like hi. I'm pat elliott
54:13And everybody would kind of turn and then they just instantly fall in love with her because she was so confident
54:17And uh, they took me the elliott's did they took me on a family vacation to mexico with them
54:23And uh pat elliott being who she was big lady and everything she just popped on a bathing suit walked right down to the pool
54:28It's like hi. I'm pat elliott
54:31And in two days she owned the pool like everyone's like hi pat we love you
54:35So it was really great and in mexico they have these things where um, you know
54:39They're like rides where a boat can pull either a parachute or it can pull like a um an inner tube
54:46That's you know, like a hot dog, right?
54:49So one day pat is just looking at the ride being operated and she's standing like this with her legs together
54:54I want to ride on the giant hot dog
55:07So like everyone around the pool is like honey get up pat's gonna ride on the hot dog
55:11Get up you want to see this
55:14And pat kind of you know thunders down the beach
55:17To where the ride operators were and uh the way it works in mexico is like all the important jobs
55:23You know the concierge and things like that
55:25They're all done by like the taller more i don't know caucasian looking or european looking mexicans
55:31You know of the more spanish looking mexicans they do all that you know the front work
55:35And then all the real work is done by these little that come out of the hills, right?
55:39That's the way it is
55:41So these two little dudes
55:44Next to pat like they look like hors d'oeuvres
55:48And they're just like uh you know what the oh okay
55:51How do you guys feel?
55:53And uh she goes I want to ride on a giant hot dog
55:56And they like look at pat they look at the number on the engine with the horsepower
56:04Okay pat go ahead okay and there's like a guy already ready to you know ride
56:08He's like pat why don't you just go ahead and take this
56:09You go ahead so one of the great things about the water is that it's a great equalizer
56:16And so you know pat got in the water very graceful and just kind of slid right up onto that giant hot dog
56:22And she's ready to go and so the little you know mexican dudes just kind of throw the engine into like high gear
56:28And if an engine could talk it would have said like are you fucking kidding me?
56:33And it takes off of pat so sure enough
56:35Pat is going back and forth like you know down the beach
56:38Hi i'm pat elliot i'm riding this way
56:41I'm on the giant hot dog i'm pat elliot now i'm going this way
56:44No hands i'm pat elliot
56:47All of us there's like a hundred people gathered watching this just like
56:52Go pat like everybody's behind her we love her
56:54So sure enough the ride comes to an end and uh she slips off the thing and uh
56:59The way the beaches are they're a little steep and you have to wait for the water to recede
57:03And then in between wave sets you walk up
57:06So pat elliot you know wait does it properly and she's walking up
57:09Hi i'm pat elliot i just rode the giant hot dog
57:13And behind her a giant wave has formed
57:16That she doesn't see
57:18And all of a sudden wave takes her down
57:22She like disappears into the surf and kind of bobs up
57:25One bra strap off a little areola showing
57:30But she's still pat elliot
57:32Hi i'm pat elliot
57:35Rocking up the beach second wave
57:37Boom takes her down
57:39She disappears a little longer
57:41Comes up now she's got a fucking raspberry on her forehead
57:44Both tits are just out
57:46She's holding on to the bottom part and she is confused
57:51Hi i'm pat elliot
57:54Am i pat elliot
57:57Another wave takes her down we're all like this
58:02We're frozen and then we're like holy shit like this is bad you know so we all run down to go get pat
58:07All the men do and they kind of fish her out of the surf and she's just like i mean knocked for a loop and as we carry her past and a giant crowd of people
58:14That have just been watching this horrible humiliating thing pat elliot has the resilience and strength of character to say
58:21Wasn't that fun you gotta try it
58:24And i hope that in life you can do that no matter what life gives you thank you so much you guys are an awesome awesome audience
58:29I really really appreciate it
58:31Thank you very much
58:57mhm
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