Frasier Season 3 Episode 21 Where There's Smo Ke There's Fired
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00:00Coming!
00:03Oh, Dr. Crane.
00:05My God, after all our years together, all the good times, all the bad times,
00:12you can't loan me a meager $4,000.
00:17You must appreciate how hard it is for me to approach you about this.
00:21I thought I meant more to you than this, but apparently I don't.
00:26They call themselves the Friendly Bank.
00:30What do you need to borrow money for?
00:33I saw the most exquisite Biedermeyer footstool.
00:38For $4,000? Miles, your mother and I didn't pay that much for our first house.
00:44I know, Dad. I lived there.
00:48Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris' money to throw around anymore.
00:52You're going to have to start cutting back a little.
00:53I have cut back. Last month I told my masseur I could only see him once a week.
00:57Oh, I remember that scene in Grapes of Wrath when Ma Jobe did that.
01:04Well, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do and cut out coupons.
01:10Coupons? What a wonderful way to economize.
01:15I could clip them and give them to my personal shopper.
01:17Oh, Miles. Good morning.
01:22Hey.
01:23Uh, Daphne, has BB Glazer called back yet?
01:26Fred, no.
01:27You're still consorting with that barracuda?
01:30Well, a barracuda's what you want in an agent.
01:33No, it's just that, uh, the station's been sold.
01:37I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner.
01:40Must admit, she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
01:44Oh, really?
01:45I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted,
01:47I summon thee three times.
01:49Hello, Ross.
01:55Hey.
01:55Hi, Ross.
01:56Hey, Ross.
01:57We've got the grubber.
01:58What have you called? I'm a new owner.
01:59Oh, plenty.
02:00Yeah.
02:00His name is Wilfred S. Boone, but he likes to be called Big Willie.
02:04Well, there's a little snapshot of his psyche right there.
02:07Yeah.
02:09He's an 85-year-old Texan.
02:12Mm-hmm.
02:13Perhaps in no formal education, but he went from errand boy at a radio station
02:17to owning his own media empire worth $600 million.
02:21This is great.
02:23I don't even know what renews it is, but it's 20 cents off, and I want it.
02:29You're clipping coupons?
02:31I'm economizing.
02:33Oh, well, it's about time.
02:34You spend money like a drunken sailor.
02:37She said authoritatively.
02:40Look, may we get back to the subject at hand?
02:43What are you so antsy about?
02:44Dad, Wilfred S. Boone.
02:46Big Willie.
02:48Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, all right?
02:52Wilfred S. Boone owns 30 radio stations across the country.
02:56If he likes you, he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide.
03:00So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common, an angle, if you will.
03:05So, what are his interests, Roz?
03:07Well, it's all in there.
03:08He likes whittling, rodeos, the novels of Zane Gray.
03:12Gee, Brace, like you two were separated at birth.
03:15He also owns a 5,000-acre cattle ranch and the world's largest collection of antique six-shooters.
03:25Oh, dear God.
03:26I'm sucking up to Yosemite Sam.
03:28I think if we really want to impress Big Willie, we should think of some Western theme to do for the show today.
03:39Great idea, Roz.
03:40Why don't we just start the show off with a segment on how to get in touch with your inner young'un.
03:45What a fascinating theory.
03:47Duke and...
03:48What's going on?
03:49Oh, this is great.
03:50I told Gil the new station owner is a Greek tycoon.
03:55Fell for that?
03:56Hook, line, and soufflaki.
03:57Oh.
04:00You can keep your overripe camembert and malodorous stilton.
04:05They can't compare with the salty and souciance of Greece's glorious feta.
04:11It's not just for shepherds anymore.
04:19This is Gil Chesterton saying bon appétit, or as we say in Athens, carlyorexia.
04:29Oh, Gil, you've been had.
04:31The new station owner isn't Greek.
04:33He's from Texas.
04:34You are so easy.
04:36Well, I hope you're happy.
04:38I've just given full stars to a restaurant called A Taste of Greece, which, trust me, is no misnomer.
04:45Why, it's what you deserve trying to suck up to some senile old coot.
04:50Oh, he probably can't eat anything but strained peas and farina.
04:55Oh, Mr. Boone.
04:57Eh, that's right.
04:58It's pleasure to see you.
04:59I'm Dr. Fraser Crane.
05:00This is Roz Doyle.
05:02Gil Chesterton.
05:03I'm Skippy, the lunch boy.
05:04So, uh, it's, uh, two strained peas and, uh, farina for the big guy.
05:10Oh, uh, Skippy, change my order.
05:13I've got a sudden hankering for baby back ribs and cornbread.
05:19Oh, I've been looking for you, Dr. Crane.
05:22I have a little problem.
05:24They told me you're just the fellow who could fix it.
05:27Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
05:29Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
05:31Well, actually, I prefer Big Willie.
05:34Don't be silly, Big Willie.
05:39You see, I'm engaged to be married.
05:42Oh, congratulations.
05:44Well, sweet young thing, just nuts about me.
05:47Problem is, she smokes.
05:49Oh, Lord, it's a very bad habit.
05:52Oh, it's a vile habit.
05:54Wouldn't have destroyed my affection for her.
05:57Well, if she didn't possess certain compensating gifts.
06:03Anyway, as a favor to me, could you help her?
06:09Well, I'll, I'll certainly try.
06:11Just keep in mind, though, addiction is fraught with many complex issues.
06:17A length of habits.
06:19Motivation.
06:20Forgive me.
06:22Sometimes I don't express myself too clearly when I say, could you help her?
06:26What I meant to say was, help her.
06:30Consider it, Doc.
06:32What's the plan?
06:33She'll be in touch.
06:35That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler.
06:42Frasier, stop it.
06:43This is a golden opportunity.
06:45You make this little tootsie quit smoking, we're halfway to syndication.
06:48Did someone just say the word syndication, or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favorite client?
06:55Oh, baby.
06:58Is something wrong, dear?
07:00We just met Big Willie.
07:02Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician, he wants me to play therapist to a little fiancé, no doubt, some gold-dicking piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin, just, oh, dear God.
07:14Isn't it wonderful?
07:19We met last month and it was love at first sight.
07:22First sight of what?
07:24His bank book and a cardiogram?
07:27Two minutes.
07:29I'm hurt that she could even joke about such a thing.
07:32I love that dear, sweet old man with every fiber of my being.
07:36Oh, I'm sure you do.
07:38I'm afraid there won't even be a wedding if you can't get rid of that rotten habit.
07:42He's just ordered me to see that you do.
07:44God, you'd take a touch of emphysema with the end of the world.
07:48What's that in your hand, woman?
07:52Sorry, Porton.
07:54BB slipped.
07:55Just that all-important last puff.
08:02Oh, see, there it is.
08:05Well, now, Dr. Crane, I'm heading out of town for three days.
08:09When I get back on Sunday, I expect my little gal here to be smoke-free by then.
08:14In three days?
08:17Well, now, you do whatever it takes to help her, Doc.
08:22Drugs, straight jackets, electroshock.
08:25You'll see how he delts on me.
08:36Excellent progress, BB.
08:39We have really dived into the emotional void that is the root of your addiction.
08:44Your fear of abandonment.
08:45Your fear that those you trust will suddenly turn their backs when you expect them to...
08:50Excuse me.
08:50My God, it all seems so clear now.
08:59You're a miracle worker.
09:00If I had a dime for every time, I would have...
09:05Diles!
09:07Hello, Frasier.
09:08I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this.
09:12Thank you, Charles, but, uh...
09:22Why so many?
09:23I just discovered a place called Price Buster's Warehouse.
09:30You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection.
09:34I found French fries and French doors in the same aisle.
09:40Well, the next time you go back, be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.
09:47You laugh, but I could do it like that.
09:52So, how goes the great smoke-out?
09:55Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your brother is.
10:01He has tunneled his way into the very depths of my psyche.
10:05Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.
10:13Well, I'll be running along.
10:16Well, I'll see you at ten tomorrow.
10:20In the meantime, it's exercise, lots of fresh spring water, and nicotine gum for the cravings.
10:28That's my girl.
10:29Oh, Bibi, you know, I'm writing a paper on addiction, and I'd love to ask you some questions,
10:33unless there's some reason you're eager to be off.
10:37Me?
10:40No.
10:42No.
10:43Not at all.
10:44Well, I just need to discuss a personal matter with Frasier first.
10:49Of course.
10:49I'll give you some privacy.
10:51All right, thank you.
10:52It's time for my water, anyway.
10:54Good girl.
10:56Yes, now.
10:57Let her out that door.
10:58She'll smoke half a pack before the elevator hits the lobby.
11:02How can you know that?
11:03You hardly spoke to her.
11:04Well, obviously, you didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
11:08She always looks like that.
11:08She's an agent.
11:14I know about addiction.
11:17It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years.
11:25The only way to deal with it is to lock her up, take her money, and wash her like a hawk
11:30till it's out of her system.
11:31That means she would have to stay here for the weekend.
11:33Who's staying all weekend?
11:35Bibi Glazer.
11:36Here?
11:37What does she have to stay here for?
11:39Well, she's trying to quit smoking.
11:40Oh, great.
11:41That means she'll be extra lovable.
11:45Not to worry, Dad.
11:46There is no reason she has to stay for the weekend.
11:48Bibi and I made a real breakthrough today.
11:51If you don't believe me, just come out of the kitchen.
11:53You'll see that I'm right.
11:58I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with the paper, Niles.
12:01Wedding preparations and all.
12:04But I'll remember those helpful hints.
12:06It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.
12:16Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.
12:23I know.
12:23Secure the door.
12:25Bibi, you are not going anywhere.
12:27You're staying for the weekend.
12:28Now give me that purse.
12:30All right.
12:31Just let me remove one very precious memento.
12:36Very well.
12:37Oh, stop it!
12:38Oh, damn it!
12:49More?
12:51What again?
12:52It's the third serving.
12:54Oh, no, no.
12:55It's just flattering to death as the Bibi finds her food so tasty.
12:59I'm orally fixated.
13:00I'd eat a half-stunned wolf rat if you put some gravy on it.
13:06I'll bear that in mind called breakfast time.
13:10No, please, please.
13:11Let's all try to remain supportive of Bibi.
13:14I think she's really doing rather well.
13:15So, uh, I hear your fiancé is well-to-do.
13:21Very.
13:22You're going to eat that fat?
13:28Well, uh, marrying money can have its perils.
13:32Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means,
13:37you can find yourself cast aside a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
13:47Now, this big Willie's 85.
13:49He's on his third pacemaker.
13:51Oh, Mazel Tov.
13:58It's not a curiosity.
13:59Did this guy ever see you eat?
14:02After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most.
14:05As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
14:07Well, this is very good, Bibi.
14:08You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
14:12Yeah, yeah.
14:13No, no, really.
14:14Perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone.
14:17Dad is an egg smoker.
14:18Dad, can't you tell us about when you craved a cigarette most?
14:22Ah, when I had insomnia.
14:26I'd get up, pour a water glass full of bourbon, light a cigarette,
14:30next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open.
14:34Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette.
14:38Of course, gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
14:41Well, I smoked for years, but I never became addicted.
14:51To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two,
14:55toss them in a drawer, and not crave another for months.
14:58You know, there's a word for people who can do that.
15:01What is it?
15:02Oh, yes.
15:04Bitch.
15:04There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling
15:15with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
15:17It isn't disgusting as wonderful.
15:20Oh, now, baby, tell me, what is so wonderful about smoking?
15:27Everything.
15:27I like the way a fresh, firm pack feels in my hand.
15:35I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane
15:38and seeing a twinkle in the light.
15:41I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place
15:49and bringing it slowly up to my lips,
15:53striking a match,
15:56watching it burst into a perfect little flame
15:59and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me.
16:05I love the first puff,
16:07pulling it into my lungs,
16:10little fingers of smoke filling me,
16:13caressing me,
16:15feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper
16:20till I think I'm going to burst,
16:24then whoosh.
16:30Watching it flow out of me
16:32in a lovely, sinuous cloud,
16:37no two ever quite the same.
16:40More potatoes, anyone?
16:50More potatoes, anyone?
16:50More potatoes, anyone?
17:10And people?
17:11Yes, no one ever quite the same.
17:12Oh, anotheruted oil.
17:13Between a swoop,
17:14I don't like to hit those bacteria
17:15and I don't like to close.
17:16Humble, until,
17:17like,
17:19watch this thing.
17:21games begin in a swoop.
17:24Lord,
17:26come to my tree.
17:28ères are so wonderful.
17:31Lauren,
17:33let's go.
17:34I'm sorry.
17:35Don't.
17:37Oh my God.
17:39Oh hey,
17:40You're up early, Miss Moore.
17:46God, you startled me.
17:50Ever since your little speech about smoking,
17:53I haven't been able to think about anything else.
17:57Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
18:00Silence has its price, dear.
18:03And I think we both know what that is.
18:06Forget it.
18:07You can't make me give you one of these.
18:10Oh.
18:12Can't I?
18:14You open it right now!
18:16All right, Missy, here's the drill.
18:18You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door.
18:20You kick them over to me.
18:22Capisce?
18:23No!
18:26Oh, is it cold outside?
18:31All right.
18:33You asked for it.
18:35No!
18:36Please, I beg you!
18:38Oh, no.
18:40My fingers are getting weak.
18:42Oh!
18:42Oh, I'm losing my grip!
18:44Stop!
18:45Please!
18:45I'll give you anything you want, huh?
18:48I'll make you starve!
18:49What the hell's going on out here?
18:55Daphne was smoking.
18:59She made me!
19:01Well, give me those.
19:05Oh, look at me.
19:06I'm all damp and chill to the bone.
19:09Get to a towel.
19:10I got it.
19:105.30 in the morning.
19:12I'm sorry.
19:26You slips!
19:27People all lost your minds.
19:29All right, now listen.
19:32Get back to bed, every one of you.
19:35Thank God you came in when you did.
19:38She was praying on my weakness.
19:40Who knows what I might have done.
19:43Probably this.
19:44Oh, get her.
19:45Stop that.
19:47Maybe you will not be allowed the smokers that are at this house.
19:51Don't even think about it.
19:53Just get me.
19:53All right, now that's it.
19:56Back to bed.
19:57Oh, my God.
20:00That's it.
20:03That's it.
20:04No more houseguards.
20:07Get off me, you crew.
20:10Stand them over.
20:11Never.
20:13That'll be the neighbors.
20:16Hello?
20:18Oh, hello.
20:20One moment, please.
20:22It's Big Willie.
20:25Big Willie.
20:26Hello.
20:27No, no, it's not Willie.
20:29Everybody's up.
20:31Yes, well, you know, there's been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of it.
20:37Oh, yeah, I know she'd love to say hi.
20:40Hang on.
20:40Oh, hello, Puddin.
20:44I'm fine.
20:46And you?
20:47Oh, nothing's too much trouble for you, Daddy.
20:51Bye now.
20:52Yes, sir.
20:54Yes.
20:55Oh, really?
20:56Well, no, no, I'm very flattered.
20:58Yes, of course, I'd love to.
20:59I'll talk with you this evening.
21:02Bye-bye.
21:03Thank you, Daddy.
21:05All right, now listen up.
21:07He thinks I'm very gifted.
21:09He thinks I'm wasting my talents in just one city.
21:11I got a woman.
21:12He wants to take me national, don't you get it?
21:14Unless you ruin it for me.
21:17Oh, my God.
21:19I'm sorry.
21:20Here.
21:21Take him.
21:22I don't know what came over me.
21:28Well, don't be too hard on yourself, baby.
21:31After all, the addition of the nicotine is a very, very different one.
21:35Hey, wait a minute.
21:36This pack is half empty.
21:40For God's sake, I don't care anymore.
21:43You know I can't help you.
21:45Nobody can.
21:46You want to ruin it for both of us?
21:47Here.
21:48Go ahead.
21:48Knock yourself out.
21:50I only wish I could be there when it happens.
21:56When what happens?
21:58You see that newspaper headline?
22:02Big Willie Boone.
22:05Millionaire.
22:06Dead.
22:09How I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news.
22:15Watch the casket being slipped into the ground.
22:19Only, you won't be watching that.
22:22No, no.
22:22You'll be watching the Widow Boone.
22:26Tiffany, perhaps.
22:29Oh, no.
22:29Better yet.
22:30Kelly with an eye.
22:32Stop it!
22:34You'll picture her wearing your jewels.
22:38Sailing in your yachts.
22:41Sleeping with your gigolos.
22:43But, oh, you won't be sad.
22:44No, no, no.
22:45Because you'll have your cigarette.
22:50Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth.
22:54Smoke whirling about your once pretty, now creased, leathery smoke rabbit.
23:01It's not.
23:04God.
23:04You are one hell of a therapist.
23:10Hey, you back from the wedding already?
23:29There was no wedding.
23:32No wedding.
23:33No syndication deal.
23:35What's she doing here?
23:37No money.
23:38No fame.
23:39Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag.
23:41No beach house.
23:42No pool boys.
23:43Oh, will you get a grip, Ross?
23:47What went wrong?
23:48Well, they were halfway down the aisle.
23:52Big Willie beaming proudly.
23:55Bebe radiant.
23:56Supporting Big Willie on her arm.
23:58But suddenly he clutched his heart.
24:00And his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder.
24:04Of course, we were all concerned at first.
24:06But then, suddenly it seemed like he was all right.
24:08Because they kept moving on down the aisle.
24:12But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little bicep bulging through her wedding gown.
24:17And I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willie's dress boots and the carpet.
24:25Well, once they got up to the minister, the jig was pretty well up.
24:29Despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck.
24:39You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.
24:43Well, if I were you, I'd get her away from that balcony rail.
24:46Well, the doorman gets ticked if you even throw a piece of gum over the side.
24:55Bebe, dear.
24:57Please.
24:57Come on in.
24:59That's a girl.
25:01All right, let me have a look at you.
25:03Come on.
25:05Here we are.
25:05Well, I don't really blame you, dear, you know.
25:12Roz and I are both upset, too.
25:15You know, look at it this way.
25:18You should have no worse off than you were before.
25:21You don't know the things I did for that man.
25:24The depraved, western-themed appetites I satisfied.
25:28He was eighty-five.
25:33How bad could it have been?
25:35Ever want a saddle?
25:40Do I have to answer that?
25:44Well, you know, there are other big willies out there.
25:48Better ones.
25:49Richer, older, impotent.
25:52Oh, dear.
25:55You always know what to say.
25:59I know what hell I put you through over this.
26:03I insist that you take this as a small token of my gratitude.
26:09Oh, Bebe, really?
26:11Look, Ralph.
26:12It's a gold Rolex.
26:14Oh, my goodness.
26:17Bebe?
26:19Where did you get this?
26:20Just don't wear it to the funeral.
26:32Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:35Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:38Oh, my
26:40And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:43Well, maybe
26:44But I got you pegged
26:47Ha!
26:48Ha!
26:49Ha!
26:49Ha!
26:49But I don't know what to do
26:52With those tossed salads
26:53And scrambled eggs
26:55They're calling again
26:59Thank you!
27:01Thank you!