Frasier Season 2 Episode 7 The Candidate
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TVTranscript
00:00all right now quiet it's getting ready to start the following is a paid political announcement
00:08for holden thorpe you dragged us over here to see a commercial for holden thorpe shh the man
00:13is a fascist he's like himmler went out in a whimsy now another american for holden thorpe
00:24hi i'm marty crane oh dear god for 30 years i was a cop walking a beat in seattle then my hip was
00:33shattered by an assassin's bullet an assassin who wouldn't have been on the street if it weren't
00:39for those bleeding hearts we sent to congress i used to carry a gun now i carry a cane
00:46i'm voting to elect holden thorpe he's running because i can't
00:54well oh mr crane i don't know what to say i'm in a state of shock aren't we all
01:04i mean you were wonderful this calls for a celebration what do you have oh give me a beer
01:13dad how did this happen well i took a walk to the park last week and they were having a rally
01:23for thorpe so i started to talk to one of his people and told him i was an ex-cop and next thing
01:30you know they were shoving a camera in my face this is appalling those people are exploiting you
01:35no they're not i like thorpe oh how could you support that odious little hose head
01:40i once heard him say cancer aside tobacco is good for the economy he's gonna put more cops on the
01:49street yeah well it couldn't hurt now that everyone and his brother's walking around armed
01:54makes me glad we don't have so many guns in england you don't need guns you got kidney pie
01:59hello
02:05duke oh sherry i couldn't possibly niles i'm too upset
02:12oh yeah yeah i'm glad you liked it duke that was fun hey i got a lot of showbiz secrets to tell you
02:21you know they can make you cry on cue by pulling a hair out of your nose
02:25what really oh guys quick over here channel 14 they're running my other spot hey duke this one
02:35was my idea remember when lyndon johnson lifted up his shirt to show his scar
02:40hi i'm marty crane crime isn't pretty and if you don't believe me look at this
02:48can i help you sir oh yes yes what are your specials today kenyan blend no no no no no still
03:03poaching elephants over there got something else dark roast brazilian not until they do something
03:10about the loss of our rainforests salvadoran no i've never forgiven them for their human rights
03:16violations well then we're down to the hawaiian kona blend or have they slaughtered too many
03:24macadamia nuts
03:25that'll be fine thank you
03:31niles fraser i can't stand it i just walked by an electronics store and there in the window
03:40were 22 television sets and on every screen was dad's butt
03:46i saw it i don't know which is worse seeing his butt or what it stands for
03:55just can't believe that our father is actually endorsing that
04:02self-serving fear monger i've been giving this a lot of thought and i realized dad isn't the
04:10problem he's just supporting the candidate of his choice the problem lies with us us we haven't done
04:18anything exactly oh the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing
04:25edmund burke i have that quotation in a frame keep meaning to put it up in my office but i never
04:32seem to get around to it
04:33anyway fraser i think the time has come for you and me to get involved
04:41what are you suggesting i propose we throw our support behind thorpe's opponent phil patterson
04:47well of course i intend to vote for patterson
04:50i had something a little more ambitious in mind i spoke to some people down at patterson's
04:55headquarters this morning and your name came up they'd like you to film a tv spot endorsing
05:00their candidate now listen i'd really love to help but surely you must realize that as a radio
05:08psychiatrist i i can't take the chance of alienating my listeners the people that need my help might be
05:16reluctant to call in if they knew my political views well i wish you'd at least think about it
05:22candidate like this doesn't come along that often he's hard working he volunteers weekends at a soup
05:28kitchen he really cares about people finally a politician who believes in the things we believe
05:34in buy a box of chocolates send the kid to camp excuse me can't you see we're talking here
05:39thank you for your call susan we'll be right back after this message
05:53crime it's epidemic it strikes fast and it can strike you i'm holden thorpe you should send me
06:05to washington because it's better than having you here
06:08piece of work isn't he makes it sound like it's either vote for him or be found murdered in your bed
06:19oh i wouldn't be concerned if i were you ross with the chances of finding you there alone
06:24hey sports fan how they hanging okay bulldog i was talking to ross
06:33in seconds so vote for me my crime program will give the streets back to the people
06:52that's good because with your tax program that's where they'll be sleeping
06:57welcome back seattle we'll be back for just one more phone call after this news break and then
07:05next up bob bulldog briscoe
07:09the gonzo sports show
07:14i've asked you not to do that way to be impartial doc
07:19you know i happen to think thorpe's a good man wait who are you voting for that pretty boy phil patterson
07:27yeah patterson's great his reapportionment plan makes a lot of sense forget it ross he's happily married
07:33yeah so's thorpe go figure his wife's a cow and he still loves her there's a bumper sticker
07:42come back in a minute
07:44hey i like that little shot you took at thor
07:48although our next caller doesn't seem to share your opinion
07:52oh really well put him on i welcome contrasting viewpoints
07:56hello seattle we're back ross who do we have on the line online one we have holden thorpe
08:04go ahead caller crane thorpe let me ask you something are you married divorced
08:15do you ever serve in the military
08:17well actually i have congenitally weak ankles it's a family problem
08:22i see i see
08:25so a guy like you unmarried didn't serve his country
08:29sees fit to criticize a patriotic family man who fought in a battle of grenada
08:33i went in on the first wave by the way
08:38on a surfboard i suppose
08:40if you ask me the day we get the likes of you off the radio will be the day america will be a nice
08:50friendly place to live again
08:52all right you've said your piece now you're gonna listen to mine
08:56hang up on me will you
08:59all right even though you may not be listening
09:01the people of seattle are gonna hear what i have to say
09:04no they won't the show ended five seconds ago i had to send it to traffic
09:07oh hello there i'm dr fraser crane many of you know me from my radio show but today i'm speaking to you
09:28as a concerned citizen
09:30as a mental health expert
09:32i've been listening to what my good friend phil patterson has to say
09:37i like the way his mind works
09:41he's a visionary
09:43and he cares about the little people
09:46that's why i'm proud to say
09:48that i'm behind phil patterson for congress
09:52thanks fraser
09:55together
09:56we could live the dream
09:59bill patterson
10:05the same choice
10:07okay guys uh give us about five minutes to adjust the lights and
10:12we'll shoot it
10:13right
10:13yes yes adjust those lights they need to be uh
10:16lighter and
10:18brighter
10:19thanks again fraser
10:30oh our pleasure phil
10:32crane family has a long history of political involvement
10:35you know my wife maris
10:37actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes
10:42thanks
10:45she'd do it herself but the poor thing
10:47can't produce saliva
10:49hello there
11:02oh definitely
11:03i thought we agreed you'd keep him out of here for two hours
11:06yeah well i walked him around the park
11:08but you know how he gets
11:10he starts whining and whimpering until you can't stand it any longer
11:14well don't let him talk about you like that little fella
11:17she was talking about me
11:18hi
11:21marty crane
11:22bill patterson
11:23you look familiar mr crane but i can't quite place you
11:28oh let me give you a hint
11:29yeah
11:30trying to help the guy
11:34my father did a commercial for your opponent
11:39yes it came back to me
11:41hello
11:44daphne moon
11:45hi
11:46you know my uncle was a political writer for one of those london tabloids
11:50i can still remember his biggest scoop
11:53the headline read
11:55high ranking politician coat wearing women's clothing
12:00of course you turned to page two and you found out it was margaret thatcher
12:05but by then you'd already bought the paper
12:07well thank you best
12:17say phil
12:19it's getting a little hot in here
12:20you want to step out on the balcony with me
12:22a little fresher here
12:23great
12:23oh beautiful view
12:29thank you
12:30yes you know i feel very lucky living here
12:34i can say i
12:36i feel lucky to be a part of your campaign as well
12:40hey it's me who's lucky
12:41it's quite a boost for an underdog to get an endorsement from fraser crane
12:45i don't know if my name carries that much weight
12:48oh come on people love you
12:50i've listened to your show
12:52tell the truth i've
12:55even thought of calling in
12:58really
12:59what for
13:01oh it's
13:04kind of sensitive
13:06listen phil as a psychiatrist
13:09anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence
13:13you know it's funny how
13:18the more you bottle things up inside
13:21the bigger they seem to be
13:24well i've never told anybody this before but
13:30okay here goes
13:33six years ago
13:37i was abducted by aliens
13:40aliens
14:03they transported me up to their spaceship for a kind of conference
14:10they're very concerned about what we're doing to our planet
14:13you were right
14:17now that i've said it out loud it doesn't seem like that big a deal
14:21they're ready for you gentlemen come on in here and let's elect a congressman
14:33fraser
14:35fraser
14:45roll it
14:52And action.
15:00Hello.
15:03I'm Dr. Fraser Crane.
15:06Many of you know me from my radio show,
15:09but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen.
15:13A deeply concerned citizen.
15:15As a mental health expert,
15:22I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say.
15:31I like the way his mind works.
15:36He's a visionary.
15:38And he cares about...
15:41the little people.
15:53That's why I'm proud to say that I'm...
15:58behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
16:02Thanks, Fraser.
16:03Together, we can live the dream.
16:14Phil Patterson.
16:17The sane choice.
16:21Okay, Dad.
16:23God, I'm burning up.
16:29Fraser, you were a little nervous on that one.
16:31Why don't you take a couple of minutes,
16:33and we'll try it again.
16:34I got mine in the first tank.
16:39Fraser, may I see you in the kitchen?
16:45What's going on in there?
16:46You look like a zombie.
16:47Oh, God, Niles.
16:49I've got something I'd really like to get off of my chest.
16:52If I told you,
16:53I'd be violating a doctor patient's confidence.
16:55Oh, I see.
16:58Nothing is more sacrosanct
16:59than our professional ethics.
17:01Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them.
17:10For the next few minutes,
17:11I'll be your psychiatrist.
17:12Then you can spill your guts with impunity.
17:16Well, it's borderline,
17:17but I'm desperate.
17:21Just now,
17:23on the balcony,
17:25Phil Patterson told me
17:27that he had been
17:27abducted by aliens.
17:34Apparently, he was
17:35beamed up to the mothership
17:37for a little interplanetary chit-chat.
17:42This is bad, isn't it?
17:56Niles, I...
17:57This is incredible.
17:58It's just awful.
17:59We're going to look like such idiots.
18:01We?
18:01The whole thing was your idea.
18:03I knew I should never have let you
18:04get me into politics.
18:05Hey, I just can't believe
18:07you're the ghost
18:07out there and tell me you.
18:09I want to smoke you.
18:11No, I...
18:11Stop it.
18:12This isn't getting us anywhere.
18:14Oh, put that away.
18:18Hold on.
18:20What are we going to do?
18:23Well, I think we have to convince Phil
18:24to drop out of the race
18:25and seek professional help.
18:27If Phil drops out,
18:28then Thorpe will win.
18:29Forget it, Niles.
18:30Well, then you can forget
18:31education and the environment
18:33and funding for the arts.
18:35Are you saying
18:35I should still back, Phil?
18:37All right, answer me this.
18:39Can you tell me with any certainty
18:40that in such a vast universe
18:42there isn't intelligent life
18:44on other planets?
18:47At the moment,
18:48I'm not sure there's
18:49intelligent life in this kitchen.
18:56All right, all right, all right.
18:58Let's assume that
18:58it's in his imagination.
19:00How often does he see
19:01these aliens?
19:02Well, it's only happened
19:03the one time.
19:04Which might suggest
19:05that it was an isolated incident
19:07brought on by overwork
19:08rather than a pattern
19:09of paranoid delusion.
19:10My diagnosis, exactly.
19:12Yes, Phil has worked hard.
19:14Yes.
19:14He deserves his chance.
19:15Yes.
19:16He's still got to seek
19:17professional help.
19:18Yes.
19:20Yes, there is,
19:21but we're not going to turn
19:22our backs on him
19:23three weeks before the election.
19:25No, damn it, we are not.
19:27So, will you treat him?
19:28Are you kidding?
19:29I'm a doctor,
19:29you're not a miracle worker.
19:35I think it's time
19:36I get my eyebrows waxed.
19:38I'm starting to get that
19:39Romanian peasant look again.
19:42Of course, it doesn't help
19:46that I didn't get any sleep
19:46last night.
19:48Dating a snorer?
19:52You know, Fraser,
19:53I'm getting just a little tired
19:54of your constant insinuation
19:56that I sleep around.
19:58I didn't get any sleep
19:59because of that idiot,
20:01Chopper Dave.
20:02when he gets bored
20:03doing traffic reports,
20:04he likes to buzz
20:05people's apartments
20:06in his helicopter.
20:07Oh, I can see
20:09how that would be annoying.
20:10Well, it didn't bother me much,
20:12but the guy I was with
20:12is a Vietnam vet
20:14and he started having flash.
20:19Greetings, losers!
20:20Have you heard the great news?
20:23What, one of your
20:23overpaid idols
20:25passed his urine test?
20:28Yeah, laugh while you can.
20:30Words out about your pal
20:31Patterson
20:32and those aliens he hits.
20:33Oh, my God.
20:35What alien?
20:35It's all over TV.
20:37What did they find out?
20:40What, are you kidding?
20:40You can't keep something
20:41like this quiet.
20:43Every station in town
20:44is serving his bleeding heart
20:45up on a platter.
20:46Isn't that just like the media?
20:48The day before the election
20:49they find one tiny flaw
20:50on a man
20:51and they try to ruin his career.
20:52Well, you know what?
20:53I have my own conduit
20:54to the public ear.
20:55I'm not letting Phil
20:56go down without a fight.
20:58What aliens?
21:00It turns out Patterson's
21:01got a couple of illegal aliens
21:03from Guatemala
21:04working in his house.
21:09No green cards.
21:10No documents, no chairs.
21:15Hello, Seattle.
21:16I'm back.
21:18This is Dr. Fraser Crane
21:19and I have just learned
21:20during the commercial break
21:20that it has become
21:22public knowledge
21:23that Phil Patterson,
21:26candidate for Congress,
21:27believes in aliens
21:28from outer space.
21:32Not only does he believe in them,
21:34he believes he has met with them.
21:36That he was beamed
21:36aboard their spaceship
21:38for an interplanetary
21:39tent-a-tet.
21:40Shocked?
21:42Well, all right.
21:43But I say,
21:45let's ask ourselves
21:46these questions.
21:48Does this
21:49harmless delusion
21:50most likely
21:52brought on
21:52by overwork
21:54and sleep deprivation
21:56adversely affected
21:57his voting record
21:57in any way?
21:58I ask you,
21:59I ask you,
21:59will I say no?
22:01What great leader
22:02doesn't have
22:03his little quirks?
22:04Ronald Reagan saw
22:05astrologers,
22:05General Patton
22:06believed in reincarnation,
22:08even J. Edgar Hoover
22:10let his slip show
22:11once in a while.
22:13People were talking
22:14about a great leader here.
22:17We shouldn't concern ourselves
22:18with these
22:18minor eccentricities.
22:20What's important,
22:22what really counts,
22:23is what's in here.
22:24I'm pointing
22:27at my chest now.
22:27The results
22:39from the last
22:40precinct are in.
22:41Holden Thorpe
22:42has been elected
22:43to Congress,
22:44garnering a whopping
22:4592% of the vote.
22:48Yay!
22:50Well, at least
22:51Mr. Patterson
22:52got 8%.
22:53Yeah, well,
22:54they must have been
22:55counting absentee ballots
22:56from the planet Krypton.
23:01Oh, come on now,
23:02Dr. Crane,
23:03it wasn't all your fault.
23:05I'm sure having
23:06those Guatemalans
23:07in his home
23:08would have cost him
23:09some votes anyway.
23:10Those Guatemalans
23:11were exchange students.
23:14Bill was giving them
23:15free room and board
23:17as a goodwill gesture
23:18between countries.
23:20Well, I'd like to stay here
23:22and gloat,
23:23but I've got to get
23:24changed to go
23:24to the big celebration
23:26down at Thorpe headquarters.
23:28Hey, you're welcome
23:29to tag along
23:30if you'd like.
23:31You're quite a hero
23:32down there.
23:36No, thank you.
23:39Stupid, stupid, stupid!
23:42When will I learn
23:43it hurts when I do that?
23:45Oh, Phil, call me.
24:01Oh, Fraser, thank you.
24:03Just came by to
24:05return this
24:06good luck tie
24:08you loaned me.
24:08Yes, Phil,
24:12I saw you wearing it
24:14on television
24:14when you made
24:15your concession speech.
24:17A little embarrassing
24:17having to do it
24:18before lunch.
24:22But it gave me
24:23some time
24:23to run some errands
24:24and pick up
24:25my dry cleaning.
24:26Oh, I am so sorry
24:28about the misunderstanding.
24:29Oh, it's okay.
24:31I know you didn't
24:31do it on purpose.
24:32You thought
24:32you were defending me.
24:34The people of Seattle
24:35deserve something better
24:36than Holden Thorpe.
24:37That's politics.
24:39And it's just
24:40one election.
24:41I'll be back.
24:43You really think
24:44you can?
24:45Well, maybe I'm
24:46a dreamer, but
24:47I'd like to believe
24:49anything's possible.
24:53Phil,
24:54I've got to ask you,
24:57do you really
25:02believe it happened?
25:05I honestly wish
25:06I could say it didn't,
25:07but it did.
25:10I guess you'll
25:11never believe it
25:12unless it happens
25:13to you.
25:16So, what's next
25:18for you?
25:21Maybe I'll run
25:22in California.
25:26A thing like this
25:27could actually
25:28help me there.
25:29A thing like this
25:40would be a
25:41good thing.
25:42I'm
25:43going to
25:47my
25:48a
25:49little
25:50ago.
25:50Well,
25:50there's a
25:51good thing,
25:51well,
25:52I'll
25:53get it.
25:53I'll
25:53give it up.
25:54I'm
25:55going to
25:55get it.
25:55I'll
25:56get it.
25:56Anything's possible.
26:22Oh, very funny, Chopper Dave.
26:26Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:44Quite stylish.
26:46And maybe I seem a bit confused, well, maybe, but I got you pegged.
26:52Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:54But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:01They're calling again.
27:05Good night, Seattle. We love you.