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Transcript

00:00:00this or not yes please all right then shut the fuck up and pay attention

00:00:04now obviously i wasn't there from the beginning but based on what i know now i'm pretty sure i

00:00:12can piece the whole thing together i'm pretty damn sure the whole thing started with one big

00:00:18fucking comic accident it's a beautiful night for feeling lonely a beautiful night for being

00:00:26afraid so raise your hands one and only's i'm one of the kinds who feel this way i don't want to talk

00:00:36i don't want to explain it i don't want to fuck and i don't want to fight it's only a feeling

00:00:44it's bleed and fade it's all over the world and it's all that's a night cause it's a beautiful night

00:00:51it's a beautiful night

00:00:54it's a beautiful night

00:00:58it's a beautiful night to be here

00:01:03it's a perfect time for being wasted

00:01:11perfect time to watch the stars

00:01:15so throw back your head come on embrace it

00:01:18it's a beautiful night wherever you are

00:01:22it's a beautiful night

00:01:24it's a beautiful night here

00:01:28it's a beautiful night

00:01:31it's a beautiful night to be here

00:01:37and all good things will come to you

00:01:44made a night

00:01:46made a night

00:01:48it's not true

00:01:49i don't know

00:01:53and all good things to those who dream

00:01:59and made a night

00:02:01made a night

00:02:02all right

00:02:32fellas

00:02:33no midges today

00:02:36i'm looking for at least a two pounder

00:02:38yeah how about saving one for me huh buddy

00:02:40hey

00:02:47first five of the season it's mine

00:02:50all mine

00:02:51bill

00:03:00bill

00:03:02bill come on

00:03:05bill

00:03:06come on man

00:03:07bill

00:03:08oh no man don't do this

00:03:10come on

00:03:10bill

00:03:12now

00:03:21now loela

00:03:29i told you once before when ben and bill get together with homer limon and otto up at that lodge they're doing one of two things fishing or drinking

00:03:37fishing every once in a second

00:03:39yeah

00:03:41i don't suppose you're familiar with the term personal space

00:03:48sorry

00:03:50excuse me

00:03:52excuse me deputy do you think i could make a goddamn pie hole

00:03:56you're right

00:03:57you're right

00:03:57it was terribly selfish of me to ask

00:03:59well take the pills i don't care

00:04:04all right

00:04:06all right you take care okay

00:04:08jimmy ray

00:04:09jimmy ray

00:04:13go get the van

00:04:15go get the van

00:04:15bring her on back

00:04:16right to the door

00:04:17don't even leave this much room you understand

00:04:19for god's sake next time hold the mustard will you please

00:04:22well gentlemen

00:04:27much as it pains me it looks like i'm gonna have to drag your asses over to jackson county

00:04:32it's very disappointing

00:04:34very disappointing indeed because i was looking forward to having some shall we say

00:04:38quality time with you gentlemen

00:04:40much like i had with your brother

00:04:42hey singer

00:04:43correct me if i'm wrong

00:04:44but doesn't your ex-wife live in jackson county

00:04:48god i miss her

00:04:50you push me boy

00:04:54jimmy bob

00:04:57take these malcolm tents out of here before i kill them you got it

00:05:02wait wait wait they cage my 20 i swear

00:05:10i must state again that any attempt to avoid payment will be met with immediate leg action

00:05:25righteously reverend eldon farnsworth praise the lord

00:05:30did you get all that sister amy

00:05:31yes i did reverend

00:05:32um but now what do you mean by leg action

00:05:36um that's uh legal action amy what is your mind today

00:05:42i'm so sorry

00:05:43all right try to keep your mind on what you're doing

00:05:47you're damn moron

00:06:01i'd arrest you a dumbass for reckless driving

00:06:04you're so bitch

00:06:05are you all right

00:06:09oh bless you honey

00:06:11i'm just a little tired

00:06:13from all this driving

00:06:14you shouldn't have dismissed your driver this weekend

00:06:17i wanted this time to enjoy our fellowship

00:06:21i have so many things i want to be telling you today

00:06:24oh tell me reverend my heart is always open

00:06:29perhaps i phrased it poorly

00:06:35amy amy sister amy please understand sister amy i do love my wife

00:06:45but ever since the lord saw fit to extend her from a size 6 to a size 12

00:06:50i have had great difficulty expressing my physical love

00:06:54but then god blessed me with you

00:06:56i i do not mean to dishonor you dear child

00:07:00but ever since god brought us together

00:07:02i have been unable to rid my mind of your intense loveliness

00:07:06my every waking moment is is filled with with impure thoughts of of you

00:07:12you see a man must have a clear mind if he's to minister to the faithful

00:07:19he could not stand before his congregation with a painful wicked throbbing

00:07:24please reverend stop

00:07:25i have dreaded this day for so long

00:07:30but i know now it is god's will

00:07:35he has set me here

00:07:39ah

00:07:41ah

00:07:45ah

00:07:47ah

00:07:49ah

00:07:51ah

00:07:53ah

00:07:58ah

00:08:00ah

00:08:04Don't move!

00:08:24Jesus H. Christ!

00:08:26Timothy, it's me!

00:08:28Candy, what the hell are you doing?

00:08:31I want to borrow your hoop earrings. The ones with the CZs in them. Why are you so goddamn grumpy?

00:08:39I don't know. Could it be because you're going through my drawers?

00:08:44Maybe it's because I'm the only one who's been in your drawers lately.

00:08:50Believe it or not, sis, not everyone judges their relationships on how many orgasms they have.

00:08:56So can I borrow them or what?

00:08:59Jury stand. Second draw. All you had to do was ask.

00:09:03Well, now, I didn't want to wake you. I know you were late.

00:09:09Well, that panned out real well, didn't it? Nearly got yourself killed over a pair of earrings.

00:09:14A really cute pair of earrings.

00:09:17Not that they would have been much use with your head blown off.

00:09:20Oh, for corn's sake. Don't be so dramatic. Come on. As long as you're up, make me some damn coffee.

00:09:30All right. This looks like the river on the map.

00:09:34Stop. Hold everything. My toothies are killing me.

00:09:43I don't know why I agreed to break away from the group. They're probably back at the lodge with ice-cold drinks by now.

00:09:48Stop worrying. I can read a map better than that yutz guide. These pretty boys kill me.

00:09:56They grow a beard, throw on a plaid shirt, and suddenly they're Daniel friggin' Boone.

00:10:00I took one look at that idiot and knew he couldn't find his way to the bathroom.

00:10:05I was kind of hoping he might find his way to my bedroom before the weekend was over.

00:10:12Guys today have more between their legs than between their ears.

00:10:16Claudia, why do you have such a problem with men?

00:10:20I don't have a problem with men. I just hate them. You know what it...

00:10:26What are you waiting for?

00:10:28I think it's better if I don't.

00:10:31Let's take him.

00:10:33Be a man.

00:10:35Well...

00:10:37Okay.

00:10:38I think so.

00:11:01I don't know why

00:11:15What the hell?

00:11:18What's this...

00:11:19Ow! Ow! Ow!

00:11:49Where are my nuts?

00:12:19Where are my nuts?

00:12:49Okay, all right, I'm in.

00:13:00Grab that ladder.

00:13:02I don't smoke.

00:13:04It might come in handy.

00:13:07Okay.

00:13:11So, where are we going?

00:13:13Leaving.

00:13:13What?

00:13:14It's illegal.

00:13:15We're convicts.

00:13:16Besides, we're not going to get anywhere in a flat tire.

00:13:18Spare.

00:13:19They don't have one.

00:13:21Huh?

00:13:22Yeah.

00:13:23Don't you read the papers?

00:13:24Watch the news?

00:13:25Budget cuts, man.

00:13:26A lot of the essentials were downsized.

00:13:28Tires, uniforms, chewing tobacco.

00:13:32But hey, it was a good plan.

00:13:33And I admire your driving initiative.

00:13:35That's rare than a douchebag.

00:13:36Um, those were the handcuff keys.

00:13:47Son of a bitch!

00:13:48Get out!

00:13:50Ow!

00:13:52Yeah, you know, I hate when that happens.

00:13:55Where'd they go?

00:13:59Over the river and through the woods.

00:14:01Over the river and through the woods.

00:14:01I know you're not going to be a goodman.

00:14:02That's right.

00:14:04I know you're going to be a goodman.

00:14:07So, what did you do?

00:14:08Oh, boy.

00:14:08Lo Brown.

00:14:09Oh, boy.

00:14:09And then you're going to go to bed.

00:14:10You're going to be a goodman.

00:14:11Oh, boy.

00:14:12okay so the escape was a bust let's just turn ourselves in and when we get back to jail i'll

00:14:37recommend you for a stay of execution what do you say oops oops what oops i have the lighter

00:14:44and the keys you you tossed them

00:14:46almost forgot

00:15:07amy are you all right darn high heels oh here let me fix those

00:15:30those are my best shoes i'm sorry i just thought well now you can walk at least

00:15:42oh yeah you're right i'm sorry it's just that i'm tired i'm the one who should apologize i'm the one

00:15:51who brought us out what it needs to be the lord doth indeed provide that old road well private road

00:15:59means a private residence and a private residence means a private phone exactly oh thank god

00:16:07i'm so hot and sweaty my clothes are sticking to me like a second skin

00:16:13do you think they'd let me use their shower i won't rest until you realize that divine wish

00:16:29that's all right

00:16:37oh

00:16:39you're sitting on your fridge

00:16:44You're sitting on your free time, you're building a time.

00:16:53Sidney?

00:16:54Sheriff Bodine, hi.

00:16:55Can I'm in the middle of something?

00:16:56Well, Luella's calling already.

00:16:57Well, she knows the reception up there is hit and miss, right?

00:17:00Bill and the guys do more drinking than fishing.

00:17:03Yeah, I'm sure she'll hear from them once they run out of beer.

00:17:06But hell, I suppose I could send up Jimmy Ray.

00:17:09No, it's federal running, my jurisdiction.

00:17:12I'll be heading up to the station in about an hour or so.

00:17:14If I get a chance, I'll run over and check on them then. Bye.

00:17:17Bye.

00:17:42Well?

00:17:43Well what?

00:17:44We're lost, aren't we?

00:17:45What's with the attitude crap?

00:17:46I knew it.

00:17:47Of course, there's no reception out here.

00:17:49Look, I'm sorry, all right?

00:17:50You're sorry.

00:17:51My phone bill is higher than Whitney Houston.

00:17:53I can't even get a signal.

00:17:55No, I mean about the other thing.

00:17:56Look, I'm sorry that I touched you with this dream.

00:17:58Terrific.

00:17:59Well that's what you're mad about, isn't it?

00:18:00Of course, there's no reception out here.

00:18:04Look, I'm sorry, all right?

00:18:06You're sorry.

00:18:07My phone bill is higher than Whitney Houston.

00:18:09I can't even get a signal.

00:18:12No, I mean about the other thing.

00:18:14Look, I'm sorry that I touched you with the stream.

00:18:20Terrific.

00:18:21Well, that's what you're mad about, isn't it?

00:18:23You haven't spoken to me in over an hour.

00:18:26Claudia, forget about the stream.

00:18:28I'm not worried about you.

00:18:29I'm worried about bears.

00:18:31They have much bigger hands, and they don't do their nails.

00:18:34It's not my fault.

00:18:35It's this fucking map.

00:18:37I mean, there's supposed to be a road around here somewhere.

00:18:40Let's move it then.

00:18:41I want to beat rush hour traffic.

00:18:42I want to be back.

00:18:43I want to be back.

00:18:43Oh, man.

00:18:45I want to be back.

00:18:46I don't know.

00:19:16I don't know.

00:19:46I don't know.

00:19:53Dispatch, that's Jimmy Ray.

00:19:56I just found Jimmy Bob dead.

00:19:58Dispatch, did you hear me?

00:20:02Come on, please.

00:20:06Come on.

00:20:07Okay, I'm coming.

00:20:18Ow, ow.

00:20:19Okay, let the blood flow.

00:20:20Chafing.

00:20:21Now what?

00:20:36Now what?

00:20:37Now what?

00:20:38Now what?

00:20:39Now what?

00:20:40Now what?

00:20:41Hey!

00:20:42Now what?

00:20:43Now what?

00:20:47I didn't know are they playing.

00:20:50Now?

00:20:52Close that door.

00:21:22Not bad for a starter. Guess we could always trade up later.

00:21:32Hey, what do you think that's all about?

00:21:39No power.

00:21:44Let's go to the bedroom.

00:21:52Two, four, six, seven. Seven baits.

00:22:11Dwarves?

00:22:14I hate them little fuckers.

00:22:22I hate them little fuckers.

00:22:29Two, four, six, seven.

00:22:35I hate them little fuckers.

00:22:37I hate them little fuckers.

00:22:40empty what a surprise so tell me bob is this our new home now and where do you see yourself

00:22:54this time next year in hell shit i was kind of hoping you'd say hawaii

00:23:02thank god maybe we can use their phone maybe paris hilton is camera shy you're right it does look

00:23:29pretty deserted what about that dirt road we just crossed what about it well maybe we should just

00:23:36go back it'll be dark in a half hour does that road have a roof well no but welcome to camp claudia

00:23:59looks like a real fixer-upper yeah early american creepy i say we get the hell out of here

00:24:17and i say you get comfortable and start looking at that map while we still have some light

00:24:21it doesn't look like this place has electricity i'll fix this something

00:24:32food

00:24:36yeah we don't even know who owns this place or anything this could be where all the redneck

00:24:40hillbillies bring their sisters and farm animals for sex it's a fishing lodge

00:24:46then why are all the windows boarded up to keep the fish from getting away here have some freeze-dried

00:24:53snow peas and relax

00:24:57oh my god oh my god shut up oh my god oh my god shut the fuck up

00:25:02give me your backpack fuck you gomer

00:25:20fuck you

00:25:23say uh bob you remember what we used to say back in high school whenever we found ourselves at one of those

00:25:28really dull parties where's all the girls remember high school yeah or fifth grade whichever you made

00:25:36it to anyway i was thinking why not keep around a bit you know just just to liven things up i think

00:25:41how dull it's gonna get with just the two of us not that you're dull bob i mean what with these last

00:25:47few hours and all i'm gonna be pissing pure adrenaline for weeks but hey what's a party without girls you

00:25:54know let's have some fun with them you know tell some off-color jokes cracks and farts smack them

00:25:59around a bit then tomorrow morning you can wake up roll over kick one of them in the ass and say hey

00:26:04bitch wake up and make me some freeze-dried snow peas

00:26:10come on bob see look at that girls are fun they're great but if you blow their brains out

00:26:18then they won't be around to clean up the mess afterwards girls are whiny annoying pains in their ass

00:26:31not all girls bob though right i mean your mother was a girl i assume

00:26:38i killed her serves her right the whiny cow um let's see if they have any more food um would you like to

00:26:44join us

00:26:50yeah

00:26:54take that thanks

00:26:58so do you ladies have anything to declare alcohol tobacco mexicans

00:27:05ixnay on the acbay octay this guy just ill-caden op-cay

00:27:13what'd you say i said oh look at all the goodies we have we've got freeze-dried snow peas and powdered

00:27:20soy milk bars and for dessert trail mix with organically grown pine nuts christ the shotgun would be more humane

00:27:35it doesn't really have that lived in quality faith amy we must have faith you must believe

00:27:49i believe if there's a phone in there i'm madonna may i

00:27:55what are you doing i am giving you back your bracelet i think we should start seeing other felons

00:28:09there you go

00:28:18thank you

00:28:25somebody's coming get into the bedroom get into the bedroom

00:28:37hello is anyone home

00:28:52be at ease sister amy it was only the wind

00:29:03hands up who are you i'll ask the questions

00:29:07easy amy yea though we walk through the valley of death we shall fear no evil

00:29:12well you haven't met bob yet have you shut the fuck up

00:29:15now son let's just do what he says

00:29:19well now see here bob we're gonna get along with these people just fine now

00:29:24who are you and what the hell are you doing here just a couple of stranded travelers

00:29:30lost and tired search them

00:29:33sorry this isn't my regular job i'm just working for him until i get my degree degree

00:29:45in what running and hiding

00:29:49clearly okay bob they're unarmed

00:29:52that's not true brother we're wearing the armor of faith and carrying the sword of righteousness

00:29:57well get back to me when you have a holy hand grenade

00:30:00okay what we have here is a reverend eldon farnsworth

00:30:07and amy smootz you a reverend that's correct brother

00:30:12but you're not mrs reverend eldon farnsworth all right rev cast those filthy thoughts out of

00:30:22the gutter of your mind i'll show you the back of my hand okay bob you can shoot him now oh god no

00:30:30please prison chaplain used to get me extra food used to write letters for me

00:30:36oh so sleep by that time pal so what are you gonna do with us don't know we're in the middle of

00:30:49nowhere we won't be able to reach the cops for days why not just let us go that would be the christian

00:30:56thing you know actually we could go ahead and shut up all of you shut the fuck up

00:31:06i gotta think well folks we might as well get comfortable this could take some time

00:31:36so

00:32:06Oh, my God.

00:32:36Oh, my God.

00:33:06Oh, my God.

00:33:36Oh, my God.

00:34:06Oh, my God.

00:34:36Oh, my God.

00:35:06Oh, my God.

00:35:36We haven't seen any of them since we got here.

00:35:40Maybe you and your partner murdered them before we arrived.

00:35:43Whatever.

00:35:44Didn't I see you on TV last week?

00:35:50That's right, brother.

00:35:51Last week and every week.

00:35:53Two million viewers and growing every day.

00:35:56Yeah, I remember.

00:35:58Still can't believe it took them so long to kick you off that frigging island.

00:36:01What?

00:36:02What?

00:36:04What?

00:36:11Shit.

00:36:13What shit?

00:36:14Ranger.

00:36:16Girl ranger.

00:36:17First one who makes a sound, he's dead.

00:36:25He's dead.

00:36:25Nice secluded spot you picked here, Bob.

00:36:33What, are we on top of a subway station or something?

00:36:35One more person shows up.

00:36:37We can just lose ourselves in the crowd.

00:36:40No problem.

00:36:41We'll just wait till she gets close, sir.

00:36:50Then I'll blast her.

00:36:52Uh, sir?

00:36:55You don't have to do that.

00:36:56I can get rid of her for you.

00:36:58She won't suspect a thing.

00:36:59Stay out of it, Sherry.

00:37:00Oh, bite me, Claudia.

00:37:01Claudia.

00:37:24Oh, you startled me.

00:37:33I guess that makes us even.

00:37:35Mind telling me who you are and what you're doing here, man?

00:37:38Oh, I'm just visiting my uncle.

00:37:41Oh, well, I'll be.

00:37:42You're Betty Jo.

00:37:44Bill talks about you all the time.

00:37:46I know.

00:37:46It's kind of embarrassing.

00:37:49Uh, is he around?

00:37:51No, he's still up at Renaissance Creek fishing.

00:37:54with the guys.

00:37:56Yeah, okay.

00:37:58Well, I must say hi.

00:38:00I will.

00:38:02Oh, uh, one other thing.

00:38:05What's that?

00:38:06Bill's niece's name is Bobby Jo, not Betty Jo.

00:38:09No, don't shoot.

00:38:09Get away from the door.

00:38:10Do it now.

00:38:11Oh.

00:38:16Oh.

00:38:18Oh.

00:38:19Oh.

00:38:21Oh.

00:38:23Oh.

00:38:24Stay down.

00:38:30Okay.

00:38:34Okay.

00:38:36Fuck.

00:38:45Oh.

00:38:46Oh.

00:38:47Oh.

00:38:47Ah!

00:39:03Oops.

00:39:10After I kill that ranger, I'm gonna kill you.

00:39:14I don't know, Bob, that might put you over your limit.

00:39:17Hey, Ranger! You still alive out there, Ranger? Huh? You still alive?

00:39:27Cause I know that had to hurt. Come on, girl. Get out here and face me like a man.

00:39:33Come on! Come on! Come on, bitch. Get your ass out here and face me like a man.

00:39:41You killed her. You killed that woman, you foul, filthy murderer.

00:39:50Elton, please. This is not a cultured person. What are you gonna do with us? It'll be dark soon.

00:39:58I demand that you release us this instant. Hey, the only thing my man Bob is gonna release

00:40:04is an ounce of buckshot in the general direction of your ass.

00:40:08Now, my cheap advice to you is to sit down and shut up.

00:40:15This is absolutely the last time I save your fucking life.

00:40:20Food. Snow peas.

00:40:30Wasn't I gonna kill you?

00:40:32Uh, yeah. But you changed your mind.

00:40:40Yeah.

00:40:52Move!

00:41:02There's a half a can of peaches left if you want.

00:41:18Thanks.

00:41:19Yeah, thanks.

00:41:21Is there anything else from our backpacks you'd like to offer us?

00:41:25Give me a break. It's all I could get away from him. The guy's a human garbage disposal.

00:41:34Why don't you do something?

00:41:36Come on, Claudia. Be real.

00:41:38He's just a man.

00:41:40No, he's not.

00:41:42He's a pit bull minus a sweet temperament.

00:41:44That and he has a gun the size of a ride at Disneyland.

00:41:46Men. Can't live with them. Can't castrate them.

00:41:51Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

00:41:53Do you kiss anybody's mother with that mouth?

00:41:55Suck my dick.

00:41:58Nice.

00:41:59What are you doing with her?

00:42:09Sorority sisters.

00:42:10So?

00:42:14What are you doing with him?

00:42:15Oh, we're pen pals.

00:42:18Funny.

00:42:20I mean, why were you in jail in the first place?

00:42:23I rear-ended a truck at an intersection.

00:42:25They arrested you for a traffic accident?

00:42:27No, it was for DNA.

00:42:32My brother's doing a stretch for Grand Theft Auto.

00:42:35Local sheriff figures it's in the blood,

00:42:38so he pretty much likes to ride me every chance he gets.

00:42:44Did I mention it was his truck I hit?

00:42:46You hit the sheriff's truck?

00:42:47Yeah.

00:42:49Brand new, fresh off the lot truck, yeah.

00:42:52And I'm not ashamed to admit I actually popped a little wood

00:42:54at the moment of impact.

00:42:55Oh, my God.

00:43:00You know, it's good to hear you laugh.

00:43:03Yeah.

00:43:05So do you have a name or just a bunch of aliases?

00:43:10Clarence.

00:43:13Sherry.

00:43:14I know.

00:43:15I searched your room.

00:43:17You're lucky.

00:43:18I usually don't let a man search me on the first date.

00:43:21Well, yeah, but I bought your dinner and I paid for this room.

00:43:25Okay.

00:43:26But since I don't know you, my mom says I'm supposed to pretend not to like it.

00:43:32That's cool.

00:43:33Because my dad says I'm not supposed to care whether you like it or not.

00:43:36Christ.

00:43:37Please stop before you make me throw up.

00:43:40I see nothing humorous about wanton lust and adultery.

00:43:43No, I can see you take that very seriously, Farnsworth.

00:43:49Watch your forked tongue.

00:43:51We are not all animals in this room.

00:43:53Do I really have a forked tongue?

00:43:56Could be interesting.

00:43:57Cast not that pearl before swine.

00:44:05This is no accident.

00:44:07No, sir.

00:44:09There is every type of human depravity and degradation in this room tonight.

00:44:13Atheists, fornicators, murderers.

00:44:17Lesbians.

00:44:19Hmm?

00:44:21I realize now.

00:44:23You were all sent here to test me.

00:44:26But I am strong in the Lord and the Lord's spirit is strong in me.

00:44:32Amen.

00:44:33Why can't you just sit there and be miserable like everyone else?

00:44:35Nobody has been sent here to test you.

00:44:38You've just got a bad travel agent, like me.

00:44:41I'm supposed to be booked with the same group.

00:44:48I believe in God.

00:44:56Really? Since when?

00:44:59Since my execution.

00:45:02Excuse me?

00:45:05I was sitting in a chair all strapped in and ready to fly.

00:45:09And there was this blinding flash.

00:45:12And all I could see was this big, beautiful light, and I just knew it was God.

00:45:18And he wanted to be my pal.

00:45:21But how did you?

00:45:23Just unstrapped me.

00:45:25When I got up.

00:45:28And everyone was looking at me all funny and making the signs of the cross and whispering about miracles.

00:45:39Well, I guess God wanted to spare me because they committed my sentence to triple life.

00:45:46Do you feel any different?

00:45:50I never felt better.

00:45:54My hair will lie flat no more.

00:46:00The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways.

00:46:04Do me a favor and shut the fuck up.

00:46:08You're worse than him, you little hypocrite.

00:46:12That's all right, sister.

00:46:14I don't blame you for your anger.

00:46:17It's not your fault you grew up in a twisted world that encourages your perversion.

00:46:21That's it.

00:46:22You're the pervert.

00:46:26You in that backwood country fuck.

00:46:29Now you listen, you're you lesbian slut.

00:46:32That is a man of God.

00:46:35He's dedicated his whole life to bringing lost sheep to salvation.

00:46:38Is that what you're doing up here, Farnsworth? Looking for lost sheep?

00:46:43He was looking for something soft and wooey all right.

00:46:46But I doubt he'll shoot.

00:46:47Why you little!

00:46:48What the fuck?

00:46:49Knock it off!

00:46:50Fuckin' dykes!

00:46:51Yes!

00:46:52Ha ha!

00:46:53Lick me, cunt biscuit!

00:46:54Ha!

00:46:55Yes!

00:46:56Ha ha!

00:46:57Now it says knock it the fuck off!

00:46:58That's it.

00:46:59That's it.

00:47:00Well, don't just stand there.

00:47:01Re-cuff him while I call for help.

00:47:02It's a pleasure.

00:47:04And then I think it's up here.

00:47:05What a horror movie from my guys.

00:47:07A horror movie of my friends is a story.

00:47:09Oh my god, I didn't leave.

00:47:10What a horror movie of my friends is something that I'm in my room to do with a dream.

00:47:11But in his friends, I would never have to mean to help him.

00:47:12Yeah.

00:47:13Who's everybody?

00:47:14Who's everybody?

00:47:15I'm in the house?

00:47:16Yeah.

00:47:17Who's everybody?

00:47:18Yeah.

00:47:19Who's everybody?

00:47:20I'm in the house?

00:47:21Who are you?

00:47:22I'm done.

00:47:23Who are you?

00:47:24Who are you?

00:47:25I'm in the house?

00:47:26while I call for help.

00:47:27It's a pleasure.

00:47:31Is that my phone?

00:47:33Yeah, but I can't get a freaking signal.

00:47:34It's because of the friends and family

00:47:36you never want to speak to plan.

00:47:38Annie, Annie, are you around?

00:47:41My mouth.

00:47:42You're going to be okay.

00:47:43My mouth is bleeding.

00:47:44You got to go now.

00:47:46Come on.

00:47:46Come on, let's go.

00:47:48Let me snap out of it.

00:47:48Come on.

00:47:49Going somewhere?

00:47:51Away from this place of evil.

00:47:53Oh, don't be stupid, Farnsworth.

00:47:54There's some kind of animal out there,

00:47:55and it is already killed once.

00:47:57Out there in the dark,

00:47:58you don't have a prayer.

00:47:59There's an animal right here.

00:48:01He killed that woman out there.

00:48:02And make no mistake,

00:48:04I've always got a prayer.

00:48:11All right, get something

00:48:12to tie his legs with, too.

00:48:13Oh, oh, oh, there should be

00:48:14some fishing line

00:48:15in one of the tackle boxes.

00:48:18Okay.

00:48:19He is cuffed.

00:48:21Don't be stupid.

00:48:22What?

00:48:25What?

00:48:36Where's going?

00:48:37I'm also going.

00:48:38Forget it.

00:48:41Forget it.

00:48:41We've got to go.

00:48:42Please.

00:48:44What's wrong?

00:48:45We're fine, darling.

00:48:48We're fine.

00:48:49The dirt road's just up ahead there.

00:48:51Now, as long as we have faith,

00:48:53we will be delivered.

00:48:54All right?

00:48:55Now, you just lean on Eldon,

00:48:56and soon we'll be away

00:48:56from this place of wickedness.

00:48:58All right?

00:49:07What happened to you, Farnsworth?

00:49:08What happened?

00:49:21What happened?

00:49:23They're in danger every minute

00:49:25they're out there.

00:49:25Don't rush me, okay?

00:49:27I only get to die once.

00:49:29So please,

00:49:30let me do it my way,

00:49:31will you?

00:49:33What happened?

00:49:36Where's Amy?

00:49:36He took her.

00:49:40Calm down, Reverend.

00:49:41Calm down, okay?

00:49:43Just take a breath,

00:49:44relax.

00:49:45When you're ready,

00:49:45just tell us exactly

00:49:46what happened.

00:49:50Oh, shit.

00:49:51What is it?

00:49:52It's Yelzebub.

00:49:54His eyes are as dark

00:49:55as the pits of hell.

00:49:56He struck my Amy down.

00:49:58We've got to get this window

00:49:58covered like the rest.

00:50:00Why?

00:50:00What's going on?

00:50:01There's something out there.

00:50:03I didn't see anything.

00:50:04Oh, shit.

00:50:06Oh, shit.

00:50:07Oh, my God.

00:50:08Oh, no.

00:50:09Oh, shit.

00:50:10Shoot him.

00:50:11God, hold.

00:50:12What are you doing?

00:50:14Oh, shit.

00:50:16Give it back.

00:50:17Shoot the goddamn thing.

00:50:19I don't know how safe to shoot him.

00:50:20Oh, shit.

00:50:21Oh, shit.

00:50:23Oh, shit.

00:50:24Oh, shit.

00:50:25Oh, shit.

00:50:26Oh, shit.

00:50:27Jesus Christ.

00:50:28What the fuck was that?

00:50:30Was that even human?

00:50:31It was big and ugly.

00:50:33That's what it was.

00:50:36Listen.

00:50:46What hit me?

00:50:47Oh, not with that fire going.

00:50:48I don't know what the fuck that thing was, but it definitely ain't Santa Claus.

00:50:51It's Satan.

00:50:52They come to punish me for my wickedness.

00:50:55Shut up.

00:50:56Well, then why don't you go out there, bend over, and take it like a man for it?

00:50:59That way the rest of us can get out of here alive.

00:51:01We've got to get this window boarded up.

00:51:15Nobody move.

00:51:17This is why the cops always cuff a suspect's hands behind him.

00:51:21Well, excuse me for not sharing your jailbird expertise.

00:51:25It's coming back down.

00:51:26Now, fuck this.

00:51:28Whatever that thing is, I'm going to go kill it.

00:51:30And then I'm going to come back.

00:51:32And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:33And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:34I'm going to kill you.

00:51:35And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:36And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:37And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:38And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:39And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:40And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:41And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:42And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:43And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:44And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:45And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:46And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:47And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:48And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:49And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:50And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:51And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:52And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:53And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:54And I'm going to kill you.

00:51:55I don't know.

00:52:25What the fuck are you?

00:52:55I don't know.

00:52:57Shoot him!

00:52:59Shoot him!

00:53:01Fucking shoot him!

00:53:03Shoot him, Jerry!

00:53:05Shoot him!

00:53:07Shoot him!

00:53:09Oh!

00:53:11Oh!

00:53:13Whoa!

00:53:15Ooh!

00:53:17Oh!

00:53:19You're so delicious.

00:53:21Oh, you're so sweet.

00:53:23I'm so sweet!

00:53:25No!

00:53:27No!

00:53:31SNEETZE

00:53:34No!

00:53:35No!

00:53:36No!

00:53:42Shei!

00:53:43Shei!

00:53:44The buffet is closed, you slimy little fuck.

00:54:03So it used to be a liquid.

00:54:06Yeah, but real thick and gooey, like oil.

00:54:11Most of it latched onto Bob's face

00:54:13and turned him into some sort of zombie or something.

00:54:19And it was alive?

00:54:22We think it's some sort of parasite

00:54:24since it seems to need a host.

00:54:26Or else it ends up like this, huh?

00:54:28Yeah.

00:54:29Is it dead?

00:54:31No, most likely in a state of suspended animation

00:54:34until it comes in contact with another host.

00:54:37It could probably survive years like this.

00:54:40Molecular biology.

00:54:44We're med students over at Mercy General.

00:54:47Really?

00:54:48I thought you were a phys ed major.

00:54:51Loamy.

00:54:53Nice bedside manner, Doc.

00:54:54So, I mean, have you guys ever heard of a parasite

00:54:58controlling its host the way these things seem to?

00:55:00Affecting, yes.

00:55:03Controlling, no.

00:55:07So how do we kill it?

00:55:08Good question, since the shotgun's empty.

00:55:12Well, there's got to be something around here

00:55:15we can use for weapons.

00:55:16Yeah, right.

00:55:18I mean, Bob couldn't kill it.

00:55:20And that was his major.

00:55:21We're still human, Claudia.

00:55:24We have minds.

00:55:25We can think and reason,

00:55:26which is more than that thing out there can do.

00:55:28How do you know?

00:55:30We don't even know what that is.

00:55:33It's Satan.

00:55:35Come to claim our forsaken souls.

00:55:39Nothing's snacking on sweetbreads, Reverend, not souls.

00:55:42The point is, it's just an animal.

00:55:45It's running on pure instinct.

00:55:47We can outthink it.

00:55:49We just, we can't give in to panic.

00:55:52Now, let's find some weapons.

00:55:55I'll check the bedroom.

00:55:56I'll check the kitchen.

00:56:16I'll check the kitchen.

00:56:45Well, with any luck at all, that thing will starve to death once it realizes Bob has no brains.

00:57:06You can't vanquish Lucifer.

00:57:09Only God can do that.

00:57:10I guess it comes down to helping them or listening to you.

00:57:17You lose, Padre.

00:57:18I thought there might be us.

00:57:48A scaling knife or two in one of the tackle boxes.

00:57:52Good idea.

00:57:53Yeah.

00:57:59Hey, Reverend, how you doing?

00:58:06Farnsworth?

00:58:09Are you okay?

00:58:09Okay.

00:58:10Okay.

00:58:11Okay.

00:58:19Oh.

00:58:20Hmm.

00:58:21Perfect.

00:58:22I'll take that exam.

00:58:49Fucking disgusting.

00:58:52How's she doing?

00:58:59We're fine. Thanks for asking.

00:59:02Yeah, well, we've all had a pretty rough night tonight.

00:59:05Look, I think we need to put our heads together and come up with a plan to get out of here before that thing comes back.

00:59:11Let me in! Let me in, please!

00:59:15That sounds like...

00:59:16Amy? By Amy? No, no, no, no, no!

00:59:19Thank you, God, for delivering my Amy back to me.

00:59:34Oh, thank you, thank you.

00:59:39Thank you, thank you, Lord, for delivering my Amy to me.

00:59:42How is she?

00:59:44Probably just in shock.

00:59:46A lot of that going around today.

00:59:50Christ, Claudia, can you not be a bitch for, like, two seconds?

00:59:54I held him?

00:59:57Amy!

01:00:01You left me.

01:00:05You left me out there with that thing.

01:00:08I almost died.

01:00:09Oh, please forgive me, Amy, my love.

01:00:11Please forgive me.

01:00:15Forgive yourself!

01:00:17Fuckface!

01:00:18You...

01:00:28You dick!

01:00:48so what's the plan hey man

01:00:56i don't know are we on a regular bus route here

01:01:00maybe we should just pack all of our stuff and get the hell out of here before that thing comes

01:01:09back do you remember bob because he's still out there and he was no picnic when he was a human

01:01:15and i doubt being a mutant parasite zombie puppets improved his mood anyway listen claudia was right

01:01:22about this thing being a parasite but it's also acting like a single cell organism you mean like

01:01:30an amoeba oh yeah believe it or not i was a b plus student i only dropped out to help my mom with the

01:01:36farm after my brother got arrested okay anyway i think this parasite enters the skull of the

01:01:45its host and feeds on its brain matter somehow enabling it to control the host's basic motor

01:01:54functions then it kills others in order to feed on their brain matter until it's gorged itself

01:02:03enough to divide divide you mean like reproduce

01:02:08are you telling me there could be more than one bob running around out there

01:02:14and the longer we wait the more of them we'll have to face

01:02:18what about amy

01:02:24could she be one of them

01:02:27she's alert and verbal no signs of brain damage

01:02:33yeah that and she's not all gross and zombie like

01:02:37yeah there's that that ranger had a gun

01:02:42yeah so

01:02:45well if you made it to her body then you could get the gun

01:02:49wait if i could get her gun why me

01:02:52brother that weapon could be our deliverance

01:02:56well then you go out there and get it

01:02:58you're the one who believes in all this afterlife crap

01:03:00me i'm an atheist if that thing gets my ass it's forever

01:03:03oh what are you nuts

01:03:15here reverend

01:03:17at least take this

01:03:19all right god damn it wait a minute

01:03:32we head straight for the body

01:03:40you get the gun

01:03:42and i'll keep an eye out for bob and any other amoeba mutant fox that might be out there

01:03:50lock the door behind us and don't open it till we come back

01:03:54hang on a second

01:04:12it's taking so long

01:04:25well i guess only the rightful king of england can pull it out

01:04:28i think i blew out my o-ring

01:04:36come on guys move it

01:04:40move it

01:04:42okay let's go

01:04:44farzworth you okay

01:04:57oh i'm trapped

01:04:58on what

01:04:59let's not stand on ceremony reverend

01:05:04just get the gun and let's get out of here

01:05:06it's not here

01:05:10what's going on i can't see anything what's going on

01:05:14okay no it's shaking my arm

01:05:22hey

01:05:24how the hell did that thing get in here

01:05:46how the hell did that thing get in here

01:05:51it hit amy it hit in her uterus

01:05:53what

01:05:53what the hell kind of an amoeba does that

01:05:55i don't know a drogen amoeba what the hell difference does it make

01:05:59this door is not going to hold much longer

01:06:01get in the closet

01:06:05it's jam

01:06:09of course it is

01:06:11bring me to the chair

01:06:14come on

01:06:15come on

01:06:20come on

01:06:21you try

01:06:22there's a trap door

01:06:30there's a basement underneath us

01:06:37it's pretty dark so be careful when you go there

01:06:39let me go first you go first

01:06:41let me go

01:06:43let me go

01:06:44let me go first

01:06:44what are you waiting for

01:07:06is this a bad time to mention

01:07:08i'm really really claustrophobic

01:07:10well i'm a death-a-phobic get in the fucking basement

01:07:13oh

01:07:17ive a

01:07:22ive a

01:07:24love a

01:07:26it a

01:07:29it a

01:07:30oh

01:07:35whoo

01:07:36The zombies packing

01:07:47I don't know, it looks like some kind of homemade space thing

01:07:53Or spaceship, I...

01:07:56I mean, that alien amoeba thing?

01:08:00It's a computer programmer from outer space or something

01:08:03So much for outsmarting the dumb animal

01:08:06What is this made out of hubcaps?

01:08:11Those aren't just hubcaps, it's a 16-inch pen

01:08:12All right, asshole, you want us to come and get us

01:08:21The joke's on you, because I already lost most of my brain cells to heavy drinking

01:08:25I think it's trying to tell us something

01:08:29What, give me some head cheese?

01:08:30No, if it wanted to kill us, it would have attacked by now

01:08:33It's obviously here by accident

01:08:37Maybe it just wants to go home

01:08:40Go home, go home

01:08:44Come, come home

01:08:45Come, come home

01:08:52Go, go, go

01:09:00Hey, big head!

01:09:30Oh, that's just wrong.

01:09:55Oh my god, we should have taken pictures.

01:10:09How often do you get to see the inside of an alien workstation?

01:10:12How would your brain like to see the inside of an alien's colon?

01:10:15Let's just get out of here before more of those things show up.

01:10:17But now nobody's gonna believe us.

01:10:19As soon as we get out of here, we'll call 60 Minutes,

01:10:23and we'll get Ed Bradley up here with a camera the size of a Volkswagen.

01:10:27Promise.

01:10:28I prefer Morley safer myself.

01:10:32So, did you ever go back?

01:10:34Only to show the police where the place was.

01:10:37Clarence was right.

01:10:39There were more of them.

01:10:41The place was stripped clean by the time we got there.

01:10:44Except for the bodies.

01:10:46For some reason those creatures are just into head.

01:10:53So how have these extraordinary events affected your life?

01:10:57Well, we were celebrities for a few days.

01:11:01I sold my story to the Inquirer.

01:11:04They put me on the front cover.

01:11:06Of course, all that money went to Clarence's lawyer.

01:11:09Not that it did much good.

01:11:12It took the jury all of 20 minutes to come back with that verdict.

01:11:17Oh yeah, and I got kicked out of med school.

01:11:22You know, if stupid was a sport, well that boy, he'd have a room full of trophies.

01:11:27He came in here with a crock of shit about the dead rising from the earth eating people's brains.

01:11:32But the people in that courtroom, well they knew that the only brain that got Ed was his.

01:11:37From the inside, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

01:11:40Personally, I thought they should have fried his ass, but he only got life.

01:11:43Something about retards like him make those jury folks go all soft and fuzzy inside.

01:11:50It's a pity.

01:11:51A real pity.

01:11:53He's a psycho.

01:11:56Everybody in that court could tell just by looking at him.

01:11:59He blew a hole straight through my baby sister's face.

01:12:04And that ain't right.

01:12:08Even if she wasn't the pretty one.

01:12:12Of course they didn't believe me.

01:12:17Would you?

01:12:18I mean, the only reason it took those freaking Hicks 20 minutes is because none of them could even spell guilty.

01:12:24But didn't Sherry testify for you?

01:12:26Yeah.

01:12:27And they thought she was lying to protect me.

01:12:29Of course, when they found us, we were holed up at Sparky's Motel off Route 9.

01:12:37Banging our amoeba-free brains against the headboards.

01:12:43So it's as if the alien amoeba never existed at all.

01:12:46Oh, it existed all right.

01:12:48You tell all your viewers.

01:12:49You tell everyone you know.

01:12:50If they see anything that even looks like a slug to shit their pants and run like hell.

01:12:55Yo, bitch!

01:12:56What you doing?

01:12:57Get your ass over here, boy!

01:12:59Excuse me.

01:13:00That's my husband.

01:13:01I better go.

01:13:02Mmm!

01:13:03Mmm!

01:13:04.

01:13:06Muuuuum.

01:13:08.

01:13:09.

01:13:23.

01:13:25.

01:13:30You

Brain Dead - 2007

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