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00:00You! You can take that look off your face, because you know what you are? You're scum, aren't you?
00:19You're scum. You probably think I'm being aggressive. I'm not. I'm being honest with you.
00:24And the winner is... that vicious tongue vixen herself, Vivian Vile!
00:30Anyway, look, all I want to say is that I'm so proud of us and Viv, obviously, and she's not here.
00:38And thank you so much! It's beautiful!
00:44Oh, I can't. Oh, Jesus.
00:47What the fuck is that? Hello?
01:00Woo-hoo! It's me! Come on, babe! Let me in! Let me in!
01:04Oh, shit! Fuck! It's Davey's back!
01:08Oh, shit! Oh, I forgot mine.
01:11It's you anyway. Hello. Is that me? Oh, no, it's me. Oh, hi. Hi.
01:17Um... Hey, Viv!
01:19Hey, Viv!
01:21Hey, Viv! Oh! Right, I'm coming up!
01:25Hey, you and Jara aren't at it, are you? I mean, I...
01:28You know, I don't want to see any, um...
01:30I don't want to see any private bit. I don't want to see no front bottoms. All right?
01:35Who's the dom? Who's the dom? Who...
01:38Whoa! Whoa!
01:39Whoa!
01:40I can't look at that.
01:41I can't look at that.
01:42I can't look at that.
01:43Hello.
01:44Clever girl.
01:45Mwah!
01:46Kiss.
01:47Kiss. What do you think?
01:48God.
01:49I don't know whose fucking floor I ended up on.
01:53But I got there somehow.
01:55Oh, you're about it.
01:56Yeah.
01:57And I... I don't know. What's happened to my pants?
02:00Who was they?
02:01Oh, fucking pats.
02:04And...
02:06Fucking pats.
02:07And everyone's got a fucking camera phone these days.
02:10So, you know...
02:12It was.
02:13Oh, God. I mean...
02:15But there was so much booze at this thing. Free booze, you know.
02:18I just had to celebrate because...
02:20I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
02:22I mean, I don't have a fucking speech.
02:25I love thanking just about everybody.
02:28Good.
02:29But, um, you know, oh, God.
02:30You just have so much action in the loos.
02:32Yeah?
02:33Yeah, yeah. Usual fucking self-specs.
02:35Plus, plus...
02:36Sorry.
02:37Lisa Scott Lee. Who the fuck are you?
02:38Uh-huh.
02:39And the cheeky girls.
02:40Fucking rude girls, actually.
02:42And, you know, with some idiot there called, um, Lemsip, um...
02:46Toothpick.
02:48Oh, God.
02:49Oh, steady.
02:51Careful.
02:52Oh, look.
02:53Okay.
02:56Oh, fuck.
02:57What?
02:59A picture of you?
03:00Yes!
03:02What?
03:03Oh, my God!
03:04Oh, no.
03:06Oh, God.
03:07Oh, God.
03:12Oh, that's so not funny.
03:13I'm gonna...
03:14I'm gonna push myself.
03:15Oh, God.
03:16Where's the bathroom again?
03:17Oh!
03:18Oh!
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:21Oh!
03:22Oh!
03:23Nothing you haven't thought before, I'm sure.
03:24Oh, God.
03:25Can I do anything for you?
03:26God's sake.
03:27She's like a bloody puppy, darling.
03:30You ever see?
03:31Ah, yes.
03:32See, best of both worlds, darling.
03:33You won the award, but you didn't have to prostitute yourself.
03:36Chris Connor.
03:37Chris Connor.
03:38Anything I missed was seeing his face when I won.
03:39Right, so the plan is...
03:42Right, the plan is...
03:44Um, oh, um, Channel Thrilled, by the way.
03:47Uh, yeah.
03:48Channel Thrilled.
03:49Thrilled Channel.
03:50Peter.
03:51Loved it.
03:52Peter?
03:53Who's Peter?
03:54I don't know.
03:55It doesn't matter.
03:56Loved it.
03:57Um, so we have to talk.
03:59Oh!
04:01I'm not feeling very well, Jeff.
04:03Uh, will you do Richard and Judy?
04:05Yes, you will.
04:06Yes, I will.
04:07Good, good, good.
04:08Um, we're going to do a Paula Grady before the end of season show,
04:10which the channel says we can do live.
04:13And, and, darling, now we've got the award.
04:16Uh, because, darling, because now, with the award and everything,
04:20we can do specials, yeah, yeah, yeah, mini-docs, you know,
04:23like celebrities with problems, um, the J's straight out of rehab.
04:27So, vile, rehab, rehab.
04:29You know, don't go to the press to live.
04:32You won't be all Richard and Judy, all Richard and Judy, babe.
04:37You know, dance number on children in need.
04:40You know, I'm sorry.
04:41Is it gone?
04:42Oh, God.
04:43What's the matter, darling?
04:44Why are you being weird?
04:45Here.
04:46Can you keep it down?
04:47No, no, no.
04:48What's the matter?
04:49She's just hungover.
04:50Are you ill?
04:53No, no, don't throw up.
04:55Don't throw up.
04:56No, of course, Jared.
04:58What's the matter, Viv?
04:59Oh.
05:00You're not well.
05:01You're probably getting a flu.
05:02She's just hungover.
05:03Oh, this isn't a hangover.
05:04This isn't a hangover.
05:05I understand a hangover.
05:06I separate.
05:07There's hangover.
05:08This is something else.
05:10No, you cannot be ill.
05:12No, not now, not today.
05:14Now, come on.
05:15I'll get her up fucking Beecham.
05:17Fuck.
05:22Right, I'll see you later.
05:23Stay with her.
05:24Get her well.
05:25Get her ready.
05:26Don't let her be ill.
05:30Fuck.
05:31Where am I going?
05:33Home first?
05:34No.
05:35Office first.
05:36No.
05:37OK, OK.
05:38Office first.
05:39Yeah.
05:40Bye.
05:41Yeah.
05:42Great night.
05:43What did you do after I left?
05:44Did you leave?
05:45Oh, yeah.
05:46With the wife.
05:48Well, don't do that.
05:50She is my wife.
05:51Yeah, I copped off with this bird from the papers.
05:54A 3am bird.
05:55The black one.
05:57She was all over me.
05:59Fucking brilliant.
06:00He stayed at my place on my cell phone.
06:03He made a pass at me at 2 in the morning, and even I turned him down.
06:08You're desperate.
06:09Yeah.
06:10Viv, you're married to the husband of the award-winning Vivian Vile.
06:16I like that.
06:17Ugh.
06:18Ugh.
06:19Ugh.
06:20Ugh.
06:21Do you know who Vivian Vile is?
06:22I am fucking Vivian Vile.
06:23What have you got to say for yourself?
06:24You shut up.
06:25You are on the Vivian Vile show.
06:26I do the talk.
06:27Because I know what I am doing.
06:28This skin, this hair, this skin, this hair, this body, this body.
06:32Get it off.
06:33Get it off.
06:34Get it off.
06:35It's all right, darling.
06:36It's all right.
06:37It's just the award.
06:38Calm down.
06:39Just a dream, darling.
06:40You're all right.
06:41I'm here now.
06:42What was it?
06:43What was it?
06:44What was it?
06:45Oh, my God.
06:46What did you put in that peaches?
06:47What?
06:48Oh, I need a pee.
06:49What time is it?
06:50Well, you've been asleep for half an hour.
06:51Oh, I need a pee.
06:52What do you want me to do?
06:53Just get out of the way.
06:54All right, darling.
06:55Come on.
06:56Oh.
06:57Viv.
06:58Oh, God.
06:59Oh, my God.
07:00Viv.
07:01Oh, my God.
07:02Oh, my God.
07:03Oh, my God.
07:04Oh, my God.
07:05Oh, my God.
07:07Oh, my God.
07:08Oh, my God.
07:09Oh, my God.
07:10Oh, my God.
07:11Oh, oh, my God.
07:12Oh, my God.
07:13Oh, my God.
07:16Oh, my God.
07:18Oh, my God.
07:22Oh, my God.
07:23Oh, my God.
07:26Oh, Christ almighty.
07:28Why?
07:29Why?
07:30I told you not to buy this building.
07:33I told you this flat was wrong.
07:36Come on, Viv.
07:37Pick yourself up.
07:38Oh.
07:39This building is perfectly safe. Look, it's a perfectly strong building.
07:43No, stop that. Don't do that, you fucking idiot. Everything is now moving.
07:48All right, Viv, come on. We've got a big day. Come on.
07:51I'll pick you up something lovely to wear.
08:09You all right?
08:13As well as can be expected after drinking poor quality wine.
08:17It's always the lack of quality that gives you the hangover, innit?
08:25Right. I'm sure you all know a lot more about what went on last night than I do,
08:31so please don't fill me in. All I can say is...
08:35Riz!
08:37And well done team, perhaps?
08:40Jamie and coffee.
09:04Hello? Yes?
09:05It's Jared.
09:07Oh, what?
09:09Jesus.
09:11Here.
09:14Oh, what now?
09:16Well, get a doctor, get her better, get her dressed and get her in a car.
09:21Viv can't stand up.
09:22Well, it ain't from shagging, is it?
09:24God, you're obsessed. I mean, it's all you ever talk about.
09:27Probably cos you don't get any. I mean, even Carol wasn't interested.
09:30Ma? She was all over me.
09:31In your dreams.
09:32Oi!
09:33Look, hang on. Look, Viv can't stand up.
09:35Oh.
09:36Speak to Jared.
09:37Um, look, Jared, I'll sort something out. I'll call you back.
09:39What?
09:40She's dizzy and she can't stand up.
09:42Keeps falling over.
09:43Keeps falling over.
09:44What do you mean?
09:45Like...
09:46Like vertigo?
09:47Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
09:48Well, that's...
09:49Well, that's...
09:50That's very serious then, actually.
09:51I think we should go and...
09:52We should go and talk about this, Helena.
09:53Um, we don't want Viv ill, so...
09:54Um, I don't want anyone to worry about... about Viv at all.
09:57Um, and we're just going to sort this out in the meeting room, Helena.
10:01Yeah, whatever.
10:02Um...
10:03Vertigo can... can be lethal in the wrong hands.
10:04So, let's, um, let's just sort all this out, shall we?
10:18Um...
10:19wrong hands so let's um let's just sort all this out shall we
10:36well i think you should go around or do we need a real doctor oh well i actually don't want to go
10:43around there right well this is a nightmare um you see she always does this she always gets ill
10:49and she's always having check-ups and guess what she's never ill so she gets ill when she's uh
10:57emotionally under pressure yeah so um you talk to her get her better well i can't do it on the phone
11:05when you skype um naomi get the video conferencing up and running into this flat tell jared
11:19hello hello
11:31it's your pants
11:45what's that it's coming through oh gosh can you see me uh yeah yeah i can see you yeah where's viv
12:00i'll go and get her no i'll talk to you how is she oh she's ill yeah you know it's like sea sickness
12:08she says the room's spinning around and she's crawling along the floor
12:12what so you're saying you're saying you're saying she's saying she's not
12:17what are you saying well she's always ill oh yes that's because she's been rather like a hypochondriac
12:21what so you're saying she's not ill darling jonathan says you're not ill you're just a hypochondriac
12:28jared
12:33where's he gone oh my god
12:36my god what's she doing no it's what she does christ she looks rough she hasn't got any makeup on
12:42all right leave her alone get back to your desk now go on stop looking at her it's none of your
12:50business if it wasn't her you wouldn't have a job you've got to come down have i yes come slowly
12:57and do you think i'm not ill she is so beautiful
13:08you think this is all in my head it feels like the whole building is about to collapse
13:14i said to jared when we bought this place i said you know do you want to go down near the
13:18lifts and have a look i mean hardly any of the building is actually touching the ground it's
13:23just little pillars isn't it oh god how's my blood pressure maybe it's just anxiety that's not
13:32anxiety i don't get anxiety but this is this is something this is something isn't it i get things
13:37she does she gets things she catches everything i've got the insurance on no i haven't got a heart
13:42problem you know i haven't got a heart problem no because we check her heart all the time i mean
13:47we're not anxious people it could all be some deep underlying stuff that's what i'm thinking
13:53it's not it's stress-related the only other thing would be hepatitis or cancer so you you think you've
14:00got cancer darling i need you to pee into this right i'm going to do a test for diabetes and
14:06menopause leave it with you all right quickly could be i've got a lump in my ear you see this lump here
14:14see you see my ear certainly never hear anybody she doesn't want to just did you see is that cancer
14:22is it right where my mobile phone goes you see if i let's you think you've got ear cancer all right
14:28darling come on i've said you don't walk so far all right we're just going to move into the kitchen
14:33darling slowly slowly i am going as slow as i can darling up your gear you can do it can you see
14:38dr jonathan can you see jonathan okay oh god how come you and uh jarrod won the awards last night
14:49oh god oh god you you you really missed a bit of a do
14:55i have it in supermarkets don't i because once once you found me propped up against the support
15:02types in cna look mugs and spencers how long have you been having these attacks viv um as long as i
15:08can remember yes it's sort of childhood maybe hmm my childhood okay can you just tell me tell me a
15:14little bit about your symptoms i'm gonna try and lie down well what happens is it's like now the whole
15:25world feels like it's tipping can i get you a coffee it's it's it's yes please it's sort of
15:33it's tipping on its axis and i feel very very dizzy no sugar there's a tight thank you
15:47i can't breathe in my head my head is it's just
15:49what do you reckon it's in a little bag on the table i don't know i reckon it's her pants oh stop
16:02it you are disgusting come on what do you think i can't see anything i can't see ahead of me and i
16:07i just i can't think straight yeah so uh you feel unbalanced what does it look like i feel
16:14the triggers they they tend to be when you've got too much on maybe maybe too much no i don't like
16:21what you're no no no no no no i know what you're thinking i know what you're thinking you're thinking
16:25that this is stress it's not it's not stress so i love stress i thrive on it don't i yes she does
16:31she strives on thrives on stress all right darling come on fill it quickly
16:43do you need any help no i'm fine we are making some um i don't know right coffee
16:55how's it go it's the other way no other way
16:58oh my darling i'm sorry i think i'm a bit dehydrated it's best i can do here
17:08is this the dribble i think i can give a diagnosis yes it's just tell me don't
17:13semitization there's a medical diagnosis i've heard of that oh thank god
17:21it's not really a medical diagnosis it doesn't matter that's what she wants to hear
17:27well done
17:31thanks what are you doing putting together the highlights of squirrel watch which is a challenge
17:37what's going on in there oh viv's just having one of her funny terms she'll be fine
17:47do you reckon they did it then who jonathan and helena don't know don't care
17:53you're a funny one do you still fancy her i'm married
18:08i have got it i'm a somatizer i'm afraid i'm a somatite
18:11oh darling well done no symptoms they have emotional and psychological roots now i think
18:19we need to start talking well okay about what well what about the award what did
18:25what did that mean to you it doesn't have to mean anything does it doesn't mean anything i mean it
18:33it means nothing everybody award
18:37nothing means nothing it's it's it's meaning when you look at me what do you see
18:45i see a beautiful vulnerable woman
18:51i can't be fixed you know lots of people have tried
18:55slap on the back doesn't mean anything what do you mean
19:00surely that means you're the most popular daytime tv talk show host at the moment what
19:08surely that means you're the most successful yes yes yeah i am i am the most successful oh my god oh my
19:15god oh my god it's like it's like i'm on this ladder and i'm just climbing and i'm climbing and i'm
19:21climbing how does the ladder feel it's too high it's all too high now it's all swaying swaying
19:30swaying oh my god everything is swaying when did the ladder last feel safe
19:39i understand what you're saying i understand what you're saying about it but it doesn't feel any
19:44fucking better do you see oh oh you don't need fixing you need love um hello hello so when when did you last feel
20:07safe safe i was safe when there was no pressure on me you know when no one expected anything it was just telly
20:25daytime telly who cared you know these were just people i was just a person doing a job
20:31i think it's outrageous outrageous didn't have to be great it is it's outrageous you know telly could
20:39be a man making a face that was that was telly no one was born a presenter you just learned it as
20:48you went along presenting wasn't a career choice it was just something people did and there's no one
20:52else to do it oh god that felt safe and we just used to read off a piece of paper
21:01ah regional telly that was safe i used to do the birthdays birthdays with millie the mouse
21:09took over from fred when he died i remember millie oh i love millie the mouse
21:16i loved her i loved millie the mouse i mean i
21:18i think that was the last time i i felt safe helena children in need are on the phone they're asking about
21:39it's just a little bit christ i'm coming up
21:46everything all right
21:49i'll take that cap
21:51or should i pop that in the building
22:05i could have done birthday till the cows came home and was the next rung safe
22:09you stop with the ladder thing i get the ladder i understand the ladder thing now stop it i'm not
22:15an idiot
22:17what viv viv viv viv viv viv do this viv do that like helena this morning
22:23oh wait don't let viv be ill viv can't be ill well viv is ill
22:29you're scared no i'm not scared i'm not scared i i just i just feel like i just want to be on my own
22:36for a bit just me left alone just so i can go just so i can you can what i don't know i just want to
22:45just want to be on my own so i can just catch up all right i feel like everyone's at my back just
22:51pushing me and pushing me and pushing me towards what looks like some big precipice and i don't think
22:58i'm ready i don't know where i'm even going anymore and i just want to go back just go back to where i
23:05can think just i used to go back to when you were safe when you when you knew what you were doing
23:11how dare you she does know what she's doing can you stop this let me do this no hang on a minute
23:21i've got to get viv out of this flat this afternoon feeling better about herself and not wobbling all
23:25over the place what are you doing i'm the doctor here and i've been listening to you for an hour now
23:31so it's your turn to listen to me no you hold on i called you to help viv not to lay into her like
23:38some second-rate tv psychiatrist with funny glasses i've been listening to you forever now you're going
23:44to listen to me sit down big man that's what he tells you to do where's your self-respect are you
23:55going to sit there on national television and waste my time with your snivelling self-pity
24:03i'll tell you what to say i'm going to take control i'm going to get a grip i'm going to stop whining and
24:10start taking this one seriously for myself disgust me and most of my audience you're spoilt and you
24:18don't know the meaning of hard work where's your self-respect where's your dignity where is it i can't
24:25see it where's my dignity i'll give you dignity i've got dignity give it me then it's me vivian vile
24:31it's the vivian vile show the award-winning vivian vile show it's me the queen of the daytime talk shows
24:39yes yes and i got there to the pinnacle by hard work and i'm not gonna let anyone take that away from
24:45me not you not anybody did you see that that is dignity you're a genius
24:55you're a genius this is what i do
25:10oh are you ready to come in god you look great i'm so much better yeah i think the beechams has
25:19kicked it listen to this phones i've not stopped ringing do you want to do children in need oh yes
25:28a musical slot baby is cold outside i choreograph oh duet with chris connor
25:36chris connor do we like him darling do you want to do darling
25:55i really can't stay baby it's cold outside i've got to go baby it's cold outside this evening has been
26:17hoping that you drop in so very nice i'll hold your hands it cold as ours my mother will start to worry
26:27beautiful watch your hurry my father will be pacing the floor listen to the fireplace so really i better
26:35scurry beautiful please don't hurry or maybe just the one drink more put some music on while i pour
26:47oh god that was good oh you're fucking fantastic darling you're back listen i'm gonna get your coat
27:06we'll get ready there i mean it's richard and judy they have wonderful makeup all right thanks
27:11thanks what oh hat beechams works wonders uh i'm not expecting any thanks you're not god you know
27:21i know but at least i'm not insane
27:23all right
27:40cheers my pleasure
27:45right
27:46no
27:56right
28:00team yeah we're back we've got phil she's coming in oh yeah come on let's get on it um john coffee um carol i
28:10book viva cough yeah come on come on let's go what turns you on is it fantasy or fetish is it feathers
28:21or fisting is bondage holding your marriage together do you sniff underwear or collect panties as a hobby
28:27or do you have your own dungeon at home dominatrix or slave we want to hear from you i'll be cracking
28:33the whip in the vivian vile week-long special what tickles your fancy contact us we'd love to hear from
28:39me