- 5/2/2025
Gary Owen hilariously bridges the "lanes" of black and white cultures as only he can, both in his home and on social media.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Gary Owens!
00:00:25I know! I know!
00:00:30I got it, I know, I feel the same about myself, trust.
00:00:46Appreciate you guys coming out, man.
00:00:52It's a little off.
00:00:55I know, I know.
00:01:01Well, I don't know why I did this special in San Antonio and bought a leather jacket.
00:01:11I got a film to be sweating like Samuel L. Jackson at a time to kill in about 30 seconds.
00:01:17He was sweating that whole movie, he was innocent, he was sweating.
00:01:21Yeah.
00:01:23Well, the year's flying.
00:01:25I can't believe we're, I can't believe it's been so long, man.
00:01:29The new year was crazy.
00:01:31It started off with Lifetime Television, Aaron surviving R. Kelly right off the bat.
00:01:37I appreciate that.
00:01:39Could've waited another couple months so I could enjoy his music for a little while longer.
00:01:43You gotta let somebody know when you're airing all the dirty laundry out.
00:01:47What's crazy about R. Kelly is, I watched that documentary, Surviving R. Kelly, it was six episodes.
00:01:53And it's crazy, his whole career is like before the piss and after the piss.
00:01:57That was like the whole timeline.
00:01:59You know?
00:02:01And I didn't tape Surviving R. Kelly, I watched all six episodes live.
00:02:05Like, by episode four, I was the guy on Twitter.
00:02:08Fuck R. Kelly.
00:02:09I ain't listen to his shit no more.
00:02:11He's deleted forever.
00:02:14Three days later I'm at a party.
00:02:16Step, step, side to side, bring your back.
00:02:19I went, aw, shit!
00:02:22I ain't supposed to be dancing this no more.
00:02:25But I couldn't stop dancing.
00:02:27I go, oh my God, he is the Pied Piper.
00:02:30His music has taken over my legs.
00:02:34I swear, after watching Surviving R. Kelly and all these other scandals that happen every week,
00:02:41I'm to the point in my career where I'm just happy to be an entertainer without a scandal right now.
00:02:46You know?
00:02:47I mean, it's gotten to the point where I'm scared to open up my laptop in the morning.
00:02:55Cause I used to be looking at it like, aw, shit!
00:02:58It's today, today!
00:03:00Cause I've never done anything to anybody, I'm not worried about that.
00:03:03Still don't mean somebody can't accuse me of shit, you know?
00:03:06Like, it'd be nothing for a woman to come out of left field and be like,
00:03:09Gary Owen smacked my ass in 1992!
00:03:14He was at a Criss Cross concert!
00:03:17I keep waiting for a white lady to come after me, I keep waiting for a white lady to be like,
00:03:31Gary Owen sexually harassed me!
00:03:33Now you know you're lying!
00:03:34Even my wife would be like, she bullshit!
00:03:48He ain't do that!
00:03:50I guess what's messing me up lately is like, comedians are getting a lot of scandals now.
00:03:56It used to be like, athletes and rappers had all the scandals.
00:03:59Now it's like, comedians, we leading the charge.
00:04:01You know?
00:04:02You got Bill Cosby, he's in jail, you know?
00:04:04It seems like every year, Kevin Hart's gotta go through something.
00:04:07Like, this last year was the Oscars.
00:04:09Like, I didn't like how the Oscars did Kevin.
00:04:11Like, how you gonna ask that man to host the Oscars?
00:04:14And then the very next day, he asked him to apologize for some tweets he sent on over ten years ago
00:04:19that you should've known about before he asked him to host the show anyways.
00:04:22And plus, he would just bullshit with his boys.
00:04:24There was nothing malicious behind his tweets.
00:04:26But all of a sudden, he did some gay tweets.
00:04:28And now these people were like, Kevin Hart's a homophobe.
00:04:30He's a homophobe.
00:04:31Let me tell you something, that dude is definitely not a homophobe.
00:04:33I've known the guy 20 years, done three movies with him.
00:04:35One movie was called Ride Along.
00:04:37In that movie, I had nothing but underwear and honey on my chest.
00:04:40That was my whole wardrobe, you know?
00:04:42And Kevin, you know, Kevin had to lay on my chest, you know?
00:04:47So, when you see that movie, that scene's only like two, three minutes long.
00:04:51But when we shot it, it took like 30, 35 minutes to get that scene right.
00:04:54And to Kevin's credit, he never left my chest.
00:04:57He stayed there all 35 minutes, you know?
00:05:00What kind of homophobe is going to lay in a man's chest for 35 minutes straight?
00:05:04Get the fuck out of here.
00:05:05True professional, committed to the craft, you know?
00:05:10But I do remember, we were shooting Ride Along, right?
00:05:12Like, every time before the director would say action,
00:05:14I had Kevin in the headlock and his head be right here.
00:05:16I just started whispering to him, just messing with his head right before we shoot the scene.
00:05:20I used to be sitting there like, I dreamed of this.
00:05:24Can you believe we're here right now?
00:05:28Look at God, won't he do it?
00:05:31Kev be so mad.
00:05:34Gary, shut the fuck up, get on me, shut up.
00:05:37Dang, Kev, you strong.
00:05:39Like a little ninja turtle.
00:05:42But it was crazy, like when Kev had to go through all that shit with the Oscars,
00:05:49it reminded me of shooting Ride Along with him.
00:05:51But it also reminded me how I got the part in Ride Along.
00:05:53Like, out of all the films I've done, that was the most random movie I ever got.
00:05:57Because literally, I was at my house watching a football game on TV.
00:06:00And I get this text from this producer, Will Packer.
00:06:03He's like, gee, I'm getting ready to do a movie, Kev and Ice Cube.
00:06:06I'm going to bring you in for an audition to send me a picture with your clothes off.
00:06:10I was like, what the fuck?
00:06:12So I'm thinking, Will's kidding, he's bullshit, it's a joke.
00:06:14So I text Will back, naked, or can he keep my shorts on?
00:06:17Will texts back, up to you, with the wink emoji.
00:06:20I was like, what the fuck?
00:06:23So I called Kev on the phone.
00:06:25I said, Kev, are you getting ready to do a movie, Cube?
00:06:27He goes, yeah, we started shooting this week in Atlanta.
00:06:28I said, oh, so this is a jet.
00:06:30So I'm trying to get the part.
00:06:32So I drop my shit, I send a naked pic in, right?
00:06:36Now, I ain't take the pic immediately.
00:06:38I mean, I prep my shit a little bit, you know?
00:06:41I mean, I got a little blood, got a little arch in it, you know?
00:06:45I mean, it wasn't here.
00:06:46I mean, about 60, 65%, you know?
00:06:48Just in case my shit gets released, right?
00:06:51Because I remember I prepped my shit, dropped my stuff,
00:06:55and I took like a Captain Morgan's pose.
00:06:57I was like...
00:07:04So I sent the pic to Will.
00:07:07I could see on my phone that he opened the pic,
00:07:09but he don't said nothing back.
00:07:11So now I'm like, ah, shit, did I go too far?
00:07:14Right?
00:07:16So two days go by, I still ain't heard from Will.
00:07:18So now I'm thinking, did I get catfished?
00:07:20So now I'm on the internet, checking all these websites,
00:07:23making sure my shit ain't out there, you know?
00:07:25I'm worried, but I ain't super worried,
00:07:27because I prepped my shit, you know?
00:07:29Because if my shit got released, I was going to be like,
00:07:32that shit's regular.
00:07:34That's just me walking around.
00:07:36That's just everyday me.
00:07:38I don't know who took that pic.
00:07:43So then five days later, Will finally calls you back.
00:07:46He goes, gee, I got good news, baby.
00:07:47You got the part.
00:07:48I said, got the part in what?
00:07:49He goes, ride along.
00:07:50I said, oh, oh, I thought you wanted me to come audition for that movie.
00:07:52He goes, Gary, I sent that exact same text to five other actors.
00:07:55You're the only one that sent in a butt-naked pic.
00:07:58I had to give you the part.
00:07:59You got to warn the baby balls out.
00:08:08I was thinking other comedians messing up.
00:08:10Roseanne.
00:08:11Roseanne's messing up, man.
00:08:13Hell, Roseanne got fired from Roseanne.
00:08:15How the hell did that?
00:08:18When Roseanne got fired from Roseanne,
00:08:20that's the only headline I saw.
00:08:21I didn't know why she got fired.
00:08:22So then I went back and talked about Twitter getting people in trouble.
00:08:24I looked at her tweets, and she sent some racially insensitive tweets
00:08:28about the head of her network.
00:08:29So I'm reading it, and then I went,
00:08:31I guess I'm always just a little taken back, but not a lot, not a lot.
00:08:34Just how some white people just don't realize what you can and cannot say
00:08:39about black people.
00:08:40Like, I'm around black people a lot, like a lot, you know?
00:08:45Honestly, it's pretty easy what you can and cannot say, you know?
00:08:48Like, you can't say what Roseanne said on Twitter.
00:08:50I'm not going to repeat it.
00:08:51You can't say that, you know?
00:08:52You can't say the M word.
00:08:53That's obvious, you know?
00:08:54Just some white people won't let that word go.
00:08:56They just want it to go, you know?
00:08:57Why can't we say it?
00:08:58It's just a word.
00:09:01Why can't we say it?
00:09:05They be looking at me like I know the answer and shit.
00:09:08Gary, why can't we say it?
00:09:11I don't know.
00:09:12I don't know.
00:09:13That's the rules.
00:09:16I got bigger shit to worry about than that one goddamn word.
00:09:19Hell, I watch that spelling bee on ESPN every year.
00:09:22There's a lot of goddamn words out there we ain't using.
00:09:24Use one of them motherfuckers once in a while.
00:09:27There's so many words just sitting in the dictionary right now, unused.
00:09:30Because I'm the only white person in my house.
00:09:34I hear the M word every day, room to room.
00:09:36Just ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:09:39I still can't say it.
00:09:40And I'm paying the goddamn mortgage.
00:09:45That's just the rules.
00:09:53Yo, that'd be crazy if black people change the rules one day.
00:09:56Just black people come out.
00:09:57All right.
00:09:59We don't give a shit.
00:10:00You can say it now.
00:10:01You'd have white guys walking around.
00:10:03Hear the news.
00:10:08Yeah, yeah.
00:10:09Yeah.
00:10:10Black people said we're allowed to say the M word.
00:10:11We're clear.
00:10:12We're good.
00:10:13We're allowed to say it.
00:10:14Are you fucking shitting me right now?
00:10:16Nah.
00:10:17We're approved.
00:10:18We're allowed.
00:10:19We can say it.
00:10:20We'll say it.
00:10:22Fuck that.
00:10:23You say it first.
00:10:28I ain't gonna lie though.
00:10:29Sometimes when me and my wife are having sex, she calls me the M word.
00:10:31It makes me feel good.
00:10:32It does.
00:10:33Yeah.
00:10:34I'll be sitting there like, what the fuck you said?
00:10:40I'll be in the bathroom after where it's flexing up.
00:10:42What the fuck?
00:10:47Be calling all my friends up.
00:10:48You ain't gonna leave.
00:10:49What the fuck?
00:10:50My wife called me.
00:10:52What's she call you?
00:10:53Can't tell you.
00:10:54She said it.
00:10:55She said it.
00:11:07See, I'm telling you there's a big military bases on here too, man.
00:11:10I was, I was staying, yeah.
00:11:15I was stationed here a long time ago.
00:11:17Yeah, I was stationed at Lackland a long time ago.
00:11:19Right?
00:11:22Yeah.
00:11:23It's funny too, looking back, looking back at my life.
00:11:24I was thinking like, like, I joined the Navy like right after high school.
00:11:28And I was, I was thinking, why did I join the Navy?
00:11:30And I remember, I remember all the reasons because, you know, I was,
00:11:33listen, I was, I was a broke kid living in a trailer park in Southern Ohio.
00:11:37The military is looking at me like, we can get that motherfucker right there.
00:11:40You know?
00:11:43Cause it was like my senior high school, there was about a week run
00:11:45where every day I came from school, there's a different recruiter at my trailer
00:11:48trying to get me to sign up, you know?
00:11:50And they just kept showing up, you know?
00:11:52Cause I remember the Marine guy showed up first, the Marine recruiter.
00:11:55And I remember he got out of his car in front of my trailer
00:11:57and I thought Marines had the best uniforms.
00:11:59When I saw him in that uniform, I said, damn, that motherfucker looks sweet.
00:12:03I told my mom, I'm gonna join the Marines.
00:12:06Then he walked in my trailer.
00:12:07He was like, Gary, we are the few, the proud.
00:12:11I go, what's that mean?
00:12:12He goes, when shit pops off, we the first ones in, we the few.
00:12:15I was like, ooh, I better be part of the mini.
00:12:17I'm good on that shit.
00:12:19What the hell you trying to be first for?
00:12:21Shit, pace yourself, slow down.
00:12:24Anybody trying to be first in the fight?
00:12:25You don't know what's popping off.
00:12:26You the first one to fight, shit.
00:12:28Who's second or third?
00:12:29I'll join the third.
00:12:31I ain't trying to join the first.
00:12:32Who's third?
00:12:33I'll join third.
00:12:34I ain't trying to join first, I'll join third.
00:12:38Cause I will, listen, I'll give it to Marines.
00:12:40They are better Americans than me.
00:12:41Cause you'll be in stories about the Marines.
00:12:43You know, they be in Iraq, be in a desert.
00:12:45You know, they'll be, yeah.
00:12:47You'll be in a story like, like, you'll be just like, 33 Marines will be in Iraq, be in a desert,
00:12:53stand around and then a grenade will drop in the middle of them.
00:12:56And one Marine will jump in a grenade, take the blow to save the other 32 Marines lives.
00:13:01I'm like, man, if we in a desert and there's 33 of us and a grenade drops in the middle and I see it first,
00:13:09either 33 people die or 32 people die.
00:13:14But if one's going to make it, it's going to be me, motherfuckers.
00:13:17For the ocean grenade.
00:13:20God damn it.
00:13:31Chris.
00:13:33Chris.
00:13:41Shit, the Army guy came to my trailer.
00:13:42He was lying the whole time, lying his ass off.
00:13:46Army.
00:13:48Army recruiter walked in my trailer with a straight face and was like, Gary, I heard you wrestle.
00:13:52I heard you're in your high school wrestling team.
00:13:53I said, yeah, I wrestle.
00:13:55He said, you know, if you join the Army, you could try out for the Army wrestling team.
00:13:58And if you make it, you just wrestle the whole time you're in the Army.
00:14:04I said, sir, I am three and 30 right now.
00:14:07I've won three times and lost 30.
00:14:10I am literally the worst wrestler in the state of Ohio as we speak.
00:14:14I didn't wrestle to wrestle.
00:14:15It was either come to the trailer park after school or I could hang on the wrestlers and wrestle every now and then.
00:14:19I go, fuck it, I just wrestle.
00:14:21I ain't gonna fuck if I won or lost.
00:14:22I used to pin myself half the time.
00:14:24You know, because every time I get ready to wrestle somebody, I run on the mat.
00:14:27I look across.
00:14:28They'd be resetting the time clock.
00:14:29I go, you ain't gonna need that.
00:14:30This ain't gonna take that long.
00:14:31You don't need that clock.
00:14:33I've been looking at that guy.
00:14:34I'm about to wrestle.
00:14:35My boy is sweating, warming up, smacking his leg, got his headphones on.
00:14:38I go, you're doing too much, man.
00:14:39This ain't that kind of match.
00:14:42This dude listening to NWA, getting all fired up.
00:14:44This is more of a Kenny G type wrestling match.
00:14:46This is smooth jazz.
00:14:48We're gonna do this shit together.
00:14:49And when I tell you my senior in high school, I won three times and lost 30.
00:14:56I didn't beat three different people.
00:14:58I beat the same motherfucker three times.
00:15:00One dude.
00:15:01He was trying to lose too.
00:15:03Because the first time I saw him wrestle, I go, oh, this motherfucker trying to lose.
00:15:06My coach was like, how can you tell?
00:15:08Because I try to lose, coach.
00:15:09I can tell when a motherfucker trying to lose.
00:15:12I met the first time I had arrested.
00:15:13We was both trying to lose.
00:15:14At one point, we land on the map right next to each other.
00:15:16Both trying to pin ourselves.
00:15:19Oh shit, you're trying to lose too.
00:15:28Shit, honestly, the Navy recruiter, he was just the most honest.
00:15:31He didn't promise me nothing but a flight out.
00:15:33That's all he promised me.
00:15:34Because the Navy recruiter walked up my trailer and looked around and went, I can get you out of this shit.
00:15:47Just put down my trailer, motherfucker.
00:15:50And then he didn't tell me what I was going to do in the Navy or nothing.
00:15:52I said, what would my job be?
00:15:53I said, what would my job be?
00:15:55He goes, what's the matter?
00:15:56Look where you at right now, dude.
00:15:58All right, I'll go with you.
00:16:00Shit.
00:16:01Shit, I remember my first year in the Navy.
00:16:03I made $24,000 for the year.
00:16:06I called my mom.
00:16:07I said, you ain't got work no more.
00:16:11You're done, Mom.
00:16:12I got you.
00:16:13I got you.
00:16:16$24,000, baby.
00:16:17I told you I was going to do so with my life, man.
00:16:20I remember my first check in the Navy was $512.
00:16:24I'll never forget it, man.
00:16:25You're lucky it wasn't Instagram back then.
00:16:27I don't know.
00:16:28Look now, haters.
00:16:30Get on my level.
00:16:31I got another one coming in 13 days.
00:16:34Can't stop, won't stop.
00:16:35512 every two weeks.
00:16:37I was a cop when I was in the Navy too.
00:16:48I was a cop.
00:16:49I was a great cop to the public.
00:16:51I was terrible for the Navy itself.
00:16:52Cause I just, you know, I just let everybody go.
00:16:55You know, there's a lot of paperwork when you arrest people.
00:16:57I didn't know that.
00:17:00Like I, and I was a cop.
00:17:01That's why I got to stay to San Antonio.
00:17:03Cause I was, I was at Lackland.
00:17:04That's where the police academy was.
00:17:05So I go to a police academy in San Antonio.
00:17:08And then it's like, I, yeah, I graduate.
00:17:12Then they send me to San Diego.
00:17:13I'm on a big ass base.
00:17:14They put me on nights.
00:17:15I'm working 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.
00:17:17You know, when I first got on the base, I wanted to be a good cop.
00:17:20I was like, okay.
00:17:21Crime's about to cease.
00:17:23Office of Owen is here.
00:17:24Shit's about to change.
00:17:27My first Friday night on the base, I pulled this guy over.
00:17:29I gave him a DUI.
00:17:30I was like, fuck you.
00:17:31I'm a first DUI.
00:17:32Now, keep in mind, I pulled this guy over at 3 in the morning.
00:17:35Supposed to be up working 6 in the morning.
00:17:37At 9 a.m., I was still on the base doing paperwork on his DUI.
00:17:42I looked at my partner.
00:17:44I was like, this is the last.
00:17:46Motherfucker, do I ever give him that shit?
00:17:47This is about to be a dangerous base.
00:17:49I ain't getting paid overtime for this bullshit.
00:17:53I had a whole new outlook on drunk driving after that day.
00:17:56I really did.
00:17:57Cause before that day, you drink a driver going down, no excuses.
00:17:59After the day, I didn't look at it like that.
00:18:00Because 9 times out of 10, guys I was pulling over, they were coming back from Tijuana.
00:18:04Right?
00:18:05They were too young to drink in the States.
00:18:06They were too young to go and drink.
00:18:07And I can always tell when somebody's fucked up when you're trying to get on the base late at night.
00:18:10Because other than your driving test, the only time you 10 and 2 on a steering wheel is when you're fucked up.
00:18:15You know?
00:18:16So if I see 10 and 2, I light you up.
00:18:18Woo!
00:18:19And everybody gives you the same answer.
00:18:21You've been drinking tonight?
00:18:22Oh, two beers.
00:18:23Just two beers, man.
00:18:24Two beers.
00:18:25Be honest, man.
00:18:26This might work out for you.
00:18:27Just gotta be honest with me.
00:18:28Oh, 14 tequila shots also.
00:18:30Didn't lie about the two beers.
00:18:31Forgot about the 14 tequila shots.
00:18:33Okay, man.
00:18:34Just want me to get your story straight.
00:18:35So you went down to Tijuana and you got drunk and you made the irresponsible decision to get behind the wheel of the car.
00:18:43As you was driving back to the base, somehow you got past the Federalis.
00:18:47Somehow you got past the Border Patrol.
00:18:49Somehow you got past California Highway Patrol.
00:18:51Somehow you got past San Diego PD.
00:18:53Son, you did what you had to do to get back to the base.
00:18:56Welcome home, baby.
00:18:57You made it.
00:18:58You made it.
00:19:06I ain't gonna pull him over there.
00:19:07That motherfucker was focused.
00:19:09Shit.
00:19:10I let him know.
00:19:11Be proud of yourself.
00:19:12You can handle your liquor.
00:19:15Sometimes they wouldn't leave.
00:19:16They'd be staring at me.
00:19:17Are you serious?
00:19:18Go, motherfucker.
00:19:21And I'm off in three hours.
00:19:22Just stay on the concrete.
00:19:23Hit the grass.
00:19:24Make a left.
00:19:25Bring it back down.
00:19:26You're good, man.
00:19:27You know, I forgot, too.
00:19:29I was talking about Kevin earlier, man.
00:19:31Like, he had to go through the Oscar shit this year.
00:19:33But then I forgot, like, last year was when he really was going through it with that Vegas scandal.
00:19:37Man.
00:19:38See, when Kevin went to Vegas and his homeboy tried to set him up and extort him for me,
00:19:41the thing about that was every married comic had to go through that shit with Kevin.
00:19:46You know?
00:19:47Because Kev goes to Vegas.
00:19:48He gets in trouble.
00:19:49You know?
00:19:50I don't hear nothing about it.
00:19:51I come home the next day.
00:19:52My wife knows all about it.
00:19:53I don't.
00:19:54My wife's looking at me like I was with Kevin.
00:19:56You know?
00:19:57Like, as soon as I walk in the house, here comes my wife.
00:19:59You see what happened to Kevin?
00:20:01You see what happened to Kevin?
00:20:04I act like I don't know what she was talking about.
00:20:07I go, who you talking about, Kevin Durant?
00:20:09You know what the fuck I'm talking about.
00:20:12Don't let that happen to you, Gary.
00:20:14Don't let that happen to you.
00:20:15I was like, don't let that happen to you.
00:20:16But I'm glad Kevin and his wife are still together.
00:20:18I like you, Nico.
00:20:19I like Kevin.
00:20:20They're nice people.
00:20:21I don't see him break up over that.
00:20:22Just a little speed bump in the relationship, you know?
00:20:23But now that it's, the time has passed and it's been over a year and stuff, now, now the timeline all makes sense because Kev went to Vegas, his homeboy tried to extort him for money, set him up in the hotel room.
00:20:41And the week before Kev went to Vegas, it had gotten published.
00:20:46He's the highest grossing comic in the country.
00:20:48He's worth like $200 million.
00:20:49So I remember, I remember when the shit first happened and I found out Kev's worth $200 million.
00:20:54I was telling everybody, I go, I got a feeling his wife's going to forgive him.
00:21:00I do.
00:21:03I think she's going to find it in her heart to give him a second chance, man.
00:21:09Shit, I wish my wife was worth $200 million.
00:21:13Man, if my wife's worth $200 million, there is nothing.
00:21:18Fucking nothing.
00:21:20She can do to make me leave her, man.
00:21:22I'm like herpes.
00:21:23I'm like, lay low.
00:21:24I'm going to pop up on you and that shit.
00:21:27Ain't no cure for this shit.
00:21:28It's for life, man.
00:21:30Let me tell you something.
00:21:32If my wife's worth $200 million, I would love to see TMZ try to hit me up at the airport on some bullshit with their cameras out there.
00:21:38Trying to fuck up my relationship.
00:21:40I'd have an answer for everything.
00:21:42There is nothing they can say to me or show me to shake my foundation.
00:21:45You know, I'd be sitting at LAX waiting on my bags to come out.
00:21:49TMZ comes around the corners with their cameras.
00:21:51Gary Owen, Gary Owen.
00:21:53Did you see what happened?
00:21:54Your wife has a sex tape, but it just got released.
00:21:56Have you seen it?
00:21:57I'd be like, who the fuck you think taped it?
00:22:00All my boys be calling me up.
00:22:01You're huge.
00:22:02Gonna let your wife fuck some other dude.
00:22:03She ain't fucking him.
00:22:04He fucking her.
00:22:05She ain't get on top, man.
00:22:06She fucks me.
00:22:07Shit.
00:22:08Let me tell you something.
00:22:09If my wife's worth $200 million, she could tell me she's going to see another dude.
00:22:23I wouldn't give a shit.
00:22:24She could tell me, Gary, I'm going to see my friend this weekend.
00:22:28You tell him I said hello.
00:22:30If you happy, we happy.
00:22:33Shit.
00:22:34Shit, my wife could be gone for the weekend with some other dude.
00:22:37I'd be at the house making Instagram posts.
00:22:39I just want to take a second and thank my lovely wife for all she does for this family.
00:22:44You are the best wife, mother, friend a man could have.
00:22:49You have provided us with this beautiful home.
00:22:54You enjoy your weekend away.
00:22:56We will be here when you get back.
00:23:03Hashtag unbreakable.
00:23:05Who else is messing up as a comedian?
00:23:17Monique.
00:23:18Oh, Monique keeps messing up, man.
00:23:20And I like Monique a lot, man.
00:23:22But god damn, Mo.
00:23:23She's going after everybody, you know?
00:23:25She went after Steve.
00:23:26Steve Harvey tried to help her out, you know, on his show.
00:23:28And then the next day, she's throwing Steve Harvey under the bus.
00:23:31I knew Monique went too far when she started going after Oprah.
00:23:34I was like, ooh, some shit you got to keep to yourself, man.
00:23:37You can't go after Oprah.
00:23:39Oprah starts making phone calls.
00:23:40You ain't working no more.
00:23:41Bottom line, you know?
00:23:43Because here's the thing about the entertainment business, man.
00:23:45When you ain't in movies like you think or TV shows like you think,
00:23:48your brain starts playing tricks on you.
00:23:50You start thinking there's a conspiracy against me.
00:23:52You know, people don't like me anymore.
00:23:54When it's really not the case,
00:23:55because you never know when your name's coming up behind closed doors
00:23:58for a movie or a TV show.
00:24:00Like, so when Monique went after Oprah, I said,
00:24:02God, Mo, don't do that.
00:24:03Because, you know, Oprah's got her own TV network,
00:24:05producing four or five movies a year.
00:24:07Monique didn't know what Oprah had coming up.
00:24:09Oprah might be getting ready to do the color purple too.
00:24:11Sealy had a baby.
00:24:18She was going to bring in Monique for Sealy had a baby.
00:24:32But I was just looking at like,
00:24:34I was looking at all the people Monique start going after.
00:24:36So it was Tyler Perry, Lee Daniels, Steve Harvey, Oprah Winfrey.
00:24:41You know, she went after my buddy Will Packer.
00:24:45The same guy that put me in Ride Along Think Like a Man
00:24:47is the exact same guy that put Monique in that Christmas movie a few years ago.
00:24:50And Monique tried to compare a Will Packer movie producer,
00:24:52a Harvey Weinstein movie producer.
00:24:54And I thought that was a little too far.
00:24:56So I went on my Instagram page and I did a video directed towards Monique, right?
00:25:00Now, I never called Monique at her name, nothing like that.
00:25:03I just said, listen, Mo, when you got a lot of different problems
00:25:05with a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons,
00:25:08it might be you, you know?
00:25:11And I'm not stupid.
00:25:12I knew when I did the video, I knew I was going to get some backlash, right?
00:25:15What I didn't know, I didn't know there was this thing out there called Black Twitter.
00:25:20I didn't know what the fuck Black Twitter was, right?
00:25:23All of a sudden, I do this video towards Monique,
00:25:26and man, Black Twitter's real.
00:25:28And they was in my ass for three days straight.
00:25:32If you don't know what Black Twitter is,
00:25:34if you say anything on social media that Black Twitter needs disrespectful
00:25:37to Black people or a Black person, they come after you.
00:25:40And I don't know how many people are on Black Twitter.
00:25:42I don't know if they have an office building with cubicles,
00:25:45or it's a group text that goes out, I don't know.
00:25:48All I know is I do this video towards Monique,
00:25:51and for the next three days, every time I got on Twitter,
00:25:54it was over a hundred mentions of my name,
00:25:56and it was just Black Twitter down the line coming after me.
00:25:59And everybody was kind of saying the same thing, just in their own way.
00:26:03You know, stay in your lane.
00:26:05This don't concern you.
00:26:08Leave Black shit to Black people.
00:26:11Somebody went, newsflash, dot, dot, dot.
00:26:14You ain't Black.
00:26:16I was like, damn!
00:26:19Woo! Motherfucker dropping knowledge today!
00:26:29Shit, the dot, dot, dot fucked me up a little bit.
00:26:32I go, damn, did I just get a dramatic pause?
00:26:35But listen.
00:26:40Listen, I give respect, and respect is due, man.
00:26:44Some people on Black Twitter hit me with some good-ass put-downs.
00:26:46I mean, there was some good ones.
00:26:48I was looking at my phone like, ooh, that motherfucker got me on that one.
00:26:50That's a good one right there.
00:26:51I was showing my friends, look at that motherfucker, call me.
00:26:53I think, I think my favorite put-down from Black Twitter was somebody said,
00:26:58Stay in your lane, white cracker breed.
00:27:02I was like, God damn!
00:27:04That is the whitest shit I've ever been called in my life, white cracker breed?
00:27:08Holy fuck, that's white!
00:27:10How do you combine two separate white put-downs and make it one?
00:27:16White cracker breed.
00:27:19That's so white!
00:27:25I didn't even get mad when I saw it, I just got thirsty.
00:27:28Holy shit, that's a dry-ass put-down.
00:27:31At least put some milk on that shit.
00:27:33White cracker breed.
00:27:36That's so white!
00:27:40Shit, every time I go to Starbucks, I make them write that shit on my cup.
00:27:43You know?
00:27:45How you doing?
00:27:46Can I get a latte?
00:27:47What's the name?
00:27:48White cracker breed.
00:27:51And I make them say it like they mean it.
00:27:53I got a latte for white cracker breed?
00:27:55Say it like I said it.
00:27:57White cracker breed.
00:28:00Appreciate it, thank you.
00:28:01Have a good day.
00:28:07Shit, I didn't know what stay in your lane meant.
00:28:09I didn't know what that meant.
00:28:10I had to call one of my friends.
00:28:11I said, hey man, somebody on Black Twitter told me stay in my lane.
00:28:13What exactly does that mean?
00:28:14I guess there's a white lane and a Black lane on Twitter.
00:28:18And you're not supposed to cross the lanes.
00:28:20That's stupid.
00:28:22Like if somebody's gonna tell me stay in my lane, I've been thinking, have you been to my house?
00:28:27I'm like the only white person in my house, by the way.
00:28:30Like my wife's there, she's Black.
00:28:32Her mom lives with us, she's Black.
00:28:34We got our kids, they're mixed.
00:28:36Then my oldest son, and he's mine.
00:28:38It's my stepson.
00:28:40He's full Black.
00:28:42And I sent them to college.
00:28:43And I sent them to college.
00:28:44All four years.
00:28:45I paid for everything.
00:28:46Room, tuition, board, all that shit.
00:28:48So basically, I sent a Black kid to college that wasn't mine.
00:28:52And you gonna tell me stay in my lane.
00:28:56Shit.
00:28:57How many Black kids you sent to college, Black Twitter?
00:29:00You can suck my white cracker bread dick.
00:29:01So fall off, ho.
00:29:02Call it wonder.
00:29:03White cracker bread.
00:29:04Ha.
00:29:05Ha.
00:29:06Ha.
00:29:07Ha.
00:29:08Ha.
00:29:09Ha.
00:29:11Ha.
00:29:12Ha.
00:29:13Ha.
00:29:14Ha.
00:29:15Ha.
00:29:16Ha.
00:29:17Ha.
00:29:18Ha.
00:29:19Ha.
00:29:20Ha.
00:29:21Ha.
00:29:22Ha.
00:29:23Ha.
00:29:24Ha.
00:29:25Ha.
00:29:26Ha.
00:29:27Ha.
00:29:28Ha.
00:29:29Ha.
00:29:30Ha.
00:29:31Ha.
00:29:32Ha.
00:29:33Ha.
00:29:34chapter five.
00:29:35Mm-hmm.
00:29:36Getting older, man.
00:29:37I can tell I'm getting older, too.
00:29:38I can feel it.
00:29:39I can feel it.
00:29:40You know.
00:29:41Like, I used to go to cities.
00:29:42I used to, I go out every night and get to nightclubs and party and club and shit.
00:29:45Now, I'm going to hotels and asking for the breakfast coupons and shit like that.
00:29:48Ha.
00:29:49Ha.
00:29:50Ha.
00:29:51Ha.
00:29:52Ha.
00:29:53Ha.
00:29:54Ha.
00:29:58Ha.
00:29:59Ha.
00:30:00remember when I was in my 20s, man, we in the nightclubs, we used to have a good time. Now,
00:30:04seems like everybody wants to pop bottles at a nightclub. That's like the thing. Like,
00:30:07especially when I go, they immediately think I want to pop some bottles and want sections
00:30:10and tables. I'm like, no, fuck that. You know, because I'm still trying to figure out the
00:30:17mathematician that came with bottle price at a nightclub, right? Like everyone in this theater
00:30:23could go to a liquor store after the show and buy a bottle of liquor for $40. That same bottle
00:30:28at a nightclub might be 500. I was like, man, I'm glad most of these nightclubs don't serve food.
00:30:34You know, how you doing, man? Can I get a Twix? $850 for a Twix. God damn, for a candy bar? There's
00:30:40two of them in it. I swear there's only been, there's only been one time in my entire comedy
00:30:52career where, you know, I went out and tried to pop bottles one night. One time I was, I was down in
00:30:57South Beach. My boys are in town. I'm trying to floss, be the big man that night. I got the front
00:31:01door of this nightclub. I was like, what's up, baby? I got my boys in town. I'm going to get a
00:31:04couple of banzai, get a section, get a table. Dude goes, no problem, Gary. That's going to be
00:31:07$10,000. I was like, I'm going to go get a Hyundai. Fuck this shit. I spent $10,000 on the table. I'm
00:31:13taking the fucking table home. Where you going? Taking this back to the crib. I paid for this shit.
00:31:19This shit's oak.
00:31:23I think the Amish made that. That's solid right there.
00:31:25I don't, I don't, dude, I do not do the pop and bottle shit. And anybody that's ever hung out
00:31:33me, they'll tell you, I don't do that, man. Like if I go to a nightclub, all's I want to do is sit
00:31:38at the bar, have a couple of drinks, listen to music, blend in. I don't need shout outs. I don't
00:31:43need special treatment. I don't need none of that shit. Only problem is if I sit at the bar,
00:31:47takes one person and get on a cell phone and be like, oh shit, I think Gary Owen's struggling.
00:31:55This motherfucker at the bar with everybody else. He came to afford his own section. Yes,
00:32:02I can. I don't want a section. I don't want to spend $1,000 popping bottles. First of all,
00:32:08I don't drink that much. Two drinks, I'm good. Three, I'm fucked up. I ain't going to spend
00:32:13$1,000 popping bottles. Why? So me and my boys can drink. We ain't fucking. Get your own look
00:32:21to your thirsty motherfucker. Shit. Looking at me all night. Hey Gary, you going to get a bottle?
00:32:27I'm going to get a glass. Plus, plus if I did want to order a bottle, I can't do it discreetly.
00:32:36I can't be like, hey man, let me get one bottle. And they slide me a bottle in the low. Nah,
00:32:40comes with a goddamn sparkler on it. Little light show happens throughout the club. A siren goes off.
00:32:45Takes eight girls to bring one fucking bottle out. Like one girl's got the bottle. One's got the
00:32:53sparkler. Five girls got these big ass letters to spell somebody's name out. Where the fuck do
00:32:57the letters come from at the club? They used to be coming out the back, you know, David.
00:33:08And I tell you what, you've never been to a nightclub and see the dude order one bottle
00:33:13and then call it a night. Nah, but at night, dude got five, six bottles on his tab. And everybody
00:33:17thinks it's the bottle girls that make dudes want to order more bottles. No, no, it's not. It's the
00:33:22DJ. DJ's the mastermind behind it all. Because as soon as the DJ sees that first bottle come out
00:33:27with that sparkler on it, DJ gets on a microphone, starts hyping that dude up, basically mindfucking
00:33:31him, making it feel like he's the man that night, makes him want to pop more bottles, you know?
00:33:36Because as soon as that first bottle comes out, here comes the DJ. Oh shit! Oh shit!
00:33:42I see you, table six! I see you, table six! One bottle, two bottles, three bottles, four
00:33:48bottles, somebody getting it in tonight! Girls coming out the back, David.
00:34:04Every time I see a dude who be popping bottles, I be sitting at the bar with my one drink,
00:34:08watching it all play out. So while the DJ's hyping David up, I'll be over at the bar doing
00:34:23the math. I'll be like, oh shit. David got the big bottles of Hennessy. That's just $750 a bottle.
00:34:32So the DJ's going, one bottle, two bottles. I'm over going $750, $1,500, $2,250, $3,000, $3,750.
00:34:40David gonna be man in the morning.
00:34:44I mean, I be trying to tell dudes, man, you ain't got to pop bottles and make girls like that.
00:34:49Because I think 9, 10 out of 10, guys go to nightclubs. This is to meet girls. I get it,
00:34:52you know, but if you ain't got $1,000 of pop-up bottles, you ain't got to do it, man. I be
00:34:56telling dudes, man. If you want to meet girls, you ain't got the money like that, just listen.
00:34:59Just wait outside, wait for the club to close. Everybody got to leave, you know.
00:35:05You know, hopefully a food truck pulls up. It's so easy to meet girls at the food truck when the club
00:35:10closes. Because usually, the girls leave in a nightclub when they wait to close, those girls are a little tipsy,
00:35:16discombobulated, got their shoes in their right hand, you know. They in the parking lot looking
00:35:21for the girls they came with, just walking around. Karen? Karen? Who the fuck is Karen?
00:35:35I be telling dudes, man, just wait for the food truck to pull up. Hopefully it's a taco truck.
00:35:40Everybody likes tacos late at night, you know. So when it's your turn, just wait in line. When it's your
00:35:45turn to order some tacos, look behind you, find a nice looking lady, offer some food. Just sit
00:35:50there. What's up? Wait, wait, wait. You want some tacos? Right there. You want some tacos?
00:36:00I'll take a taco. All right. Two tacos. Hey, man, let me get two tacos. Two dollars. Here you go.
00:36:07Have a couple tacos.
00:36:29Her girlfriends come over. Where'd you get them tacos at? That dude right there, he nice.
00:36:32You want some guacamole on it? Let me get a side of guacamole. 50 cents. Here you go.
00:36:39Put some guacamole on tacos. You spent two dollars and fifty cents. You got the same phone number David
00:36:43got. David spent six thousand dollars popping bottles in a nightclub. You know?
00:36:48And trust me, she's going to remember you over David, you know. You know, the next day. You know,
00:36:55you put food in her body. You nourished her. You know? The next day, think about it. David ain't
00:37:01going to wake up to one, two o'clock, got all the Hennessy running through his system. All you got to do
00:37:04is get up 9, 30, 10 in the morning, shoot a little good morning text. Good morning, beautiful.
00:37:08Good meeting you last night. Taco, taco, taco emoji. Shit, that's a taco dude. Yeah. Yeah, I like David's
00:37:15cool. That's a taco dude. Yeah. Then you got a cheap-ass anniversary date. Most people on anniversaries
00:37:23got to go to nice steak houses, nice restaurants. Nah, you and her right back at the taco truck.
00:37:27She on Instagram. Becker, we met. He got me extra cilantro. Doing it big this year.
00:37:39Now, I don't, I don't, now listen. I don't want people to call me a liar or anything. Like,
00:37:43I don't pop balls in real life. I don't. I don't. But on Instagram, I do. Like,
00:37:49I be lying my ass off on Instagram. I'm living, I'm living a life that ain't mine half the time,
00:37:53you know? Shoot, I'll, I'll do some little Bow Wow shit. I'll just lie on Instagram.
00:38:03Yo, that's it. That shit was funny last year though. If you know what I'm talking about,
00:38:08like a little over a year ago, like guys, I think it's a year and a half ago, like Bow Wow went on
00:38:13Instagram, right? And he posted a picture of a private jet. And he said, I'm flying from LA to
00:38:18New York. Start working on this new TV show. So Bow Wow gave the impression that he was flying across
00:38:22country on a private jet. Well, Bow Wow makes the post. Then this guy is on a United Airlines flight,
00:38:29looks in the back of the plane. Bow Wow's sitting there, you know, regular ass 32B middle seat.
00:38:38So this dude gets on his Instagram was like, this motherfucker lying. He on my flight right now.
00:38:43He takes a picture of Bow Wow, you know? So they had this thing for like three weeks on Instagram
00:38:48called the Bow Wow Challenge. It was hashtag Bow Wow Challenge. And all it was was people posting
00:38:53shit that they wouldn't do, but they said they was doing it, but they wasn't doing it,
00:38:55but they act like they was doing it, right? And I never did the Bow Wow Challenge. I never did,
00:38:59because I didn't want people going to my Instagram page looking at all the lies I be posting, you know?
00:39:03Because like I said, I don't pop bottles in real life. Oh my God, but I'll be in a nightclub,
00:39:07I'll grab two big ass Ace of Spades bottles. Tell my homeboy, take a picture of me real quick. I'll be on
00:39:11Instagram. Yeah, I'm double fisting tonight, motherfuckers. I'm going in. Hashtag doing what
00:39:16I do post. Appreciate that. Thanks a lot. Yeah.
00:39:24I'm just going to get a butt light. Thank you.
00:39:29See, I remember one time I was at a marina. I was walking by all these boats and right in the
00:39:32middle of the marina was a big ass yacht. I got on for the yacht. I was like, yep,
00:39:36about to take my new boat out for the day. See what the ocean's talking about. Hashtag doing what I do.
00:39:41Lies. I was never on that yacht. I was at Five Guys and the cheeseburger when we made that post.
00:39:45Shit. Let me tell you something. If you ever on my Instagram page and you see hashtag doing what I do,
00:39:51I'm lying. I'm fucking lying. That is COVID. I am lying. I'm going to lie about these shows.
00:39:58Watch. Watch when this shit airs. I'm like, damn, San Antonio showed out. We sold out the AT&T
00:40:04center four days straight. Damn, you did four shows? Hashtag doing what I do.
00:40:21And don't be fucking on my lie. I'm like, damn, fuck you, man. You was on the river
00:40:28walk by the Empire Theater. Just go with it. Be like, Gary, I was there that night. I was in
00:40:33the suite. Hashtag suite live. Shit. Just go with the lie. Ain't nobody going to know it. See the
00:40:39stage. Ain't nobody going to know where the fuck we at. It was funny. I was talking to my wife right
00:40:46before I came on stage, man. It's funny. I've been with my wife for 20 years now, right? And it's funny
00:40:50when you're with somebody that long. You figure at this point of our relationship, there's nothing
00:40:59she can do that could surprise me as far as the racial stuff, right? The difference between black
00:41:04and white stuff. But she still be doing stuff that confuses me, right? Like we got a pool in our
00:41:08backyard and my wife put on, my wife put on bathing suit and she'll head to the backyard. I'll be
00:41:12looking at her. I said, what are you doing, baby? Going swimming? She was, no, I'm just gonna go lay out.
00:41:17Like for what?
00:41:21You're already black, baby. Shit. I mean, you have won the tanning game. I just don't know what the goal is
00:41:28back there, you know? Like literally my wife will go outside and an hour later she'll come back in. She'll be like,
00:41:33Gary, look how dark I got. I was like, it was dark when you left. She don't get no darker. I don't do
00:41:39that shit in the winter. I don't go in the snow and come back in. Baby, look how white I am.
00:41:44It's like I'm a snowman. I feel like I'm in the movie Powder. Shit.
00:41:49We got two boys and a girl, man. You know, you know, my daughter's the youngest and you know,
00:41:54she's the, she's the militant one in the family though. Man, she, she don't want to be white at all.
00:42:00My boys don't care. They ain't tripping off nothing, but my daughter, man, everything that
00:42:04goes wrong in her life is my fault. My fucking fault. Like I said, we got a pool in our backyard
00:42:08and the whole family be in the backyard swimming. You know, my wife and the boys, they'd be out there
00:42:12all day. My daughter's fair-skinned, so she's the last one in the family. So every 20, 30 minutes,
00:42:16me and her got to duck back in, put some aloe vera on, come back out. She'll be mad. It's your fault,
00:42:21dad. Like I already, I already know when my daughter gets to college, she gonna believe in
00:42:29all the protests and all the marches, you know. Goddamn, I call her Kennedy Kaepernick. She's
00:42:34Christ. She's serious with her shit, you know. Like my, my daughter got mad at me last year
00:42:41because I stood up, I stood up during the national anthem. She goes, you just gonna stand. I go,
00:42:46it's the seventh grade volleyball game. Let's break it down just a little bit, okay? Damn,
00:42:50there's 18 people in a junior high gym, okay? Like my, my daughter's never watched NFL football
00:42:56in her life. Never watched a game. All of a sudden, all the Kaepernick stuff's been going on.
00:43:00Here comes my daughter. Hey, dad, you watching NFL football? I go, fuck yeah, I'm watching it.
00:43:04She goes, oh, I can't believe you. I'm not watching another game of Colin Kaepernick's back in the
00:43:09league. I can't believe he ain't gonna stick with me. I was like, oh, fuck. All right,
00:43:13I won't watch it on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. She ain't even know. She ain't know. I appreciate
00:43:19that, dad. Hey, we just, we in this family together, baby.
00:43:28It's crazy too, because like, like, like both my boys, both my boys like white girls,
00:43:34both of them. They both like white girls. But my daughter likes black guys.
00:43:43Oh, she gonna make me work.
00:43:51I wish she'd bring a little white kid home. I could punk a white kid. What the fuck? Sorry,
00:43:54sir. I don't know about that. Black kid. What the fuck? What the fuck, sir?
00:43:58Oh, okay. All right. I see what you did there, young man.
00:44:02All right. Like my daughter went to, my daughter went to her first homecoming dance last year,
00:44:11right? You know, big ass brother after I'll two, big ass brother. I mean, this kid was six, seven,
00:44:18two 70, 15 years old. That ain't normal, right? But I will say this, the young man that took my
00:44:24daughter to homecoming, his parents are raising him right because his mom and dad made him call me
00:44:30to ask permission to take my daughter to homecoming. So I wasn't mad about that.
00:44:38It still was a weird phone conversation, you know, because the kid's 15, his voice is deeper than
00:44:42mine, you know, answer the phone. I was like, hello? Uh, Mr. Owen? What the fuck?
00:44:49Yeah. Uh, yeah, this is PJ. Uh, I really, really want to take your daughter to homecoming.
00:44:55I was looking at my daughter, like, who is this Green Mile motherfucker on the phone?
00:45:00Who the hell's taking the homecoming? John Coffey? Shit.
00:45:12And then my daughter, my daughter don't tell me he's six, seven. I think a little
00:45:1650 year old come to my house. I got my game face on. I'm a punk this little motherfucker, right?
00:45:20And as soon as he opened the door, I was like, what the, you ain't telling me he was this tall.
00:45:23Then he walked in the house and tried to build some kind of rapport with me, you know? Uh, Mr.
00:45:32Owen, um, I just want you to know, sir, I think you're really funny. I said, ain't no funny around
00:45:36here, motherfucker. He, he, he, my ass. I know what the fuck you want, young man.
00:45:43Because everybody knows how horny teenage boys are.
00:45:45Shit, my 17 year old son, that little horny motherfucker, man,
00:45:49my 17 year old son cannot keep his hand off his dick all day. But he got a tambourine
00:45:53to test to that shit. Be up in the morning, pour the cereal for the night.
00:46:13What the fuck is your hand on your dick all day?
00:46:15Y'all tell you, I finally, I finally put my 17 year old son aside and I just asked him,
00:46:24I said, Hey man, let me ask the serious question. Okay. Are you, um, are you leaving yourself open
00:46:30to dating black girls? It's just, it's just white. He goes, I think it's just white. I was like, okay.
00:46:36Okay. Okay. Why, why do you think that is son? Why do you think that is? He said, dad, I just,
00:46:40I never met a black girl pretty her mom. I said, yeah, that's why I fuck her.
00:46:49I ain't say that. I ain't say that. I ain't say that. Hashtag doing what I do.
00:46:57I ain't say that shit.
00:47:01That'd be the only time my son's hand stopped moving. What?
00:47:05Kidding. Better be.
00:47:10I guess, you know, I guess I just thought, I thought, you know, with my kids, I thought one
00:47:15of my boys take after me. I thought one of my boys did a black girl, but like white girls,
00:47:19it's fine. You know, it's cool. I don't care. As long as everybody's cool, I don't care who they date.
00:47:22But I, you know, I just, I guess for me, I just knew at an early age, I had a thing for black girls.
00:47:28I knew it, man. Cause I didn't grow up around a lot of black people. I didn't.
00:47:31My school had like two black girls in it. Uh, Lili and Shauna. That was it, you know?
00:47:35And, uh, you know, but I, I just knew it, man. But I, like, I didn't tell anybody growing up,
00:47:41I like black girls though. You know, I didn't tell anybody. Cause to me, it was like being gay,
00:47:45you know? Cause you know, cause you know how gay people, they know they're gay at an early age,
00:47:50but they don't want to tell people. They're scared of people going to say about them.
00:47:53I was the same way. I didn't tell nobody like black girls, but I knew I was different.
00:47:58And listen, I want to be very clear. When I say I like black girls, this is not a put down
00:48:12to white ladies, Latino ladies, Asian ladies. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's beautiful women
00:48:16everywhere. It's not like that. It's just, I don't know, something going on. I don't know what it is.
00:48:21You know, like, like I could be on the beach and you can line up 10 beautiful white girls on the beach,
00:48:26badass white chicks in bikinis, line them up. And at the very end of the line,
00:48:31have a black girl that works at Starbucks in a barista outfit. I'll be on the beach like,
00:48:35I want some coffee. How you doing?
00:48:42You want cream in that? No, black like you, baby. You want a cream on cover?
00:48:47And here comes my son. I'll take that cream, dad. Come on, dad. Let me get that cream, dad.
00:48:52Get that cream for me. Okay. My son wants the cream. Put white cracker bread on the cup, please.
00:49:00That's the thing too. I'll be watching a lot of like, uh, I'll be watching a lot of
00:49:03shit on my phone and iPad. Let me ask you this. Why is it every day I get on my phone or my iPad
00:49:11and it seems like at some point during the day, I'm going to see someone getting their ass kicked
00:49:14every day. Like, I'll be wondering, how do people got their phones out at the exact time people
00:49:18would get knocked out? You know, because I honestly, I've never seen people get knocked out in real
00:49:22life and I'm happy about that. I must be hanging out in the right areas. I'm good with that, you know?
00:49:26Because, you know, every time I see somebody get knocked out on the internet, first thing that goes
00:49:30to my brain is, uh, hope that dude ain't got no kids. Especially when it's a dude, like, I hope that
00:49:34dude ain't got no kids, man. I mean, honestly, can you imagine being a dad and you get knocked out
00:49:40and somebody films it and that shit goes viral? Your kids ain't listening to you no more.
00:49:45What the hell are you going to tell your son? Hey, be home at nine o'clock. Oh, you awake now, dad?
00:49:55But I tell you, watching all these people get knocked out on the internet, it opened my eyes to
00:49:59shit. It opened my eyes to how easy it is to get knocked out. It's helped me, man. Like, I don't get,
00:50:03I don't get in fights at all. I don't get in arguments. I will walk, run, skip high, duck. There's
00:50:08nothing you can say to me, make me want to fight. Nothing, you know? Even when I go with my guys,
00:50:12man, I got, you know, I got my guys that open up for me and then my road manager, Brad. Every time
00:50:16we go out, you know, before we hit a club or something, they'll be asking me, hey, Gary,
00:50:18man, shit pops off now. You got our back? I was like, I don't. No, no, I don't. Better find the
00:50:23exit, run. I'm out, man. Shit, walk away. Walk away. And every time I like go to the city,
00:50:30man, I always be getting messages with people like, hey, man, you need a bodyguard.
00:50:33Were you in town? Need security? And every time I go to these people's pages,
00:50:36there's always big swole muscle bound motherfuckers trying to be my bodyguards,
00:50:39you know? Let me tell you something. If I ever get to the point where I feel like I need a bodyguard
00:50:43just to go out and hang out, I ain't hiring some big swole motherfucker. No. You want to be my bodyguard?
00:50:48I'm going to ask you one question. How fast are you? You got to be faster than me because if
00:50:53shit pops off, you got to be at the car for where I am, you know? I can't be over here waiting on your
00:50:57swole ass. Come on, man. It's shooting. Come on, man. It's shooting. All right, Gary, here it comes.
00:51:15Honestly, all the years I've been doing stand-up, over 20 years, right? There's only been one time
00:51:20in my entire comedy career where I felt like I was going to get my ass kicked after a show. I almost
00:51:24did. I'll never forget. It was just a couple years ago. I was in Detroit, Michigan. It was after my
00:51:28show. We had a little after party, and I don't know what this dude thought. I said to him, and I didn't
00:51:32say nothing to him, but he had me henned up against the wall, and I had nowhere to go. And I was like,
00:51:36fuck, I'm going to get out of this shit, right? But this is how I got out of the fight. All I did was
00:51:40I put my hands up. I stopped making eye contact with a dude, and I just started agreeing with him.
00:51:44Whatever he said, I just went with it, you know? He's like, hey, man, I'm about to beat your ass. I said, yeah,
00:51:49you probably will. Hey, man, you acting like you're scared right now. Ain't nobody acting.
00:52:05Man, what the fuck is you looking at? Not you, bro. I got out of it, right? So the fight didn't
00:52:11happen, but I backed down. I did. I'll be the first time I backed down. So the next morning,
00:52:15I'm in my hotel room, right? It's about 9 a.m. My road manager Brad comes in my room. He's like,
00:52:19Gary, what happened last night? I said, no, man, that dude tried to start to fight me. I told you
00:52:22I ain't fighting nobody. He goes, um, Gary, can I balance with you right now? I said, yeah,
00:52:26what's up? He goes, you, uh, you kind of looked like a pussy last night. I said, what do you mean
00:52:31I look like a pussy? He goes, I'm just saying, man, you back down in front of everybody. You kind of
00:52:34look like a pussy. I said, well, who exactly did I look like a pussy to? He goes, everybody was in that
00:52:39club. I go, well, who's in the club? He goes, I don't know. I go, exactly.
00:52:42I don't give a fuck about some strange motherfuckers. I'm leaving in three hours. Shit.
00:52:48Now, now my flight left Detroit at noon at 4 p.m. I was saving sound back in my own house.
00:52:55I was no longer state of Michigan. I was no longer city Detroit. That's when I got on my
00:52:58Instagram page. I was like, oh shit. Somebody almost got these hands last night.
00:53:03They're lucky. I was feeling generous and shit. Hashtag doing what I do.
00:53:20I have motherfuckers on my page making comments. Motherfucker, I was there. You back down.
00:53:24Delete. Not on my page. You wasn't. Shit. Better take that shit to your page. On my page,
00:53:29some of us got these hands. Shit. It was jazz hands, but still. Fuck that.
00:53:38Texas is an interesting state. It's a big ass state. Jesus Christ.
00:53:50It's hard to drive through this mug. Shit. There's a bunch of Buc-ee's and Whataburgers.
00:53:55Everybody playing the next one. I always have a good time in San Antonio, man, but I wish you
00:54:07guys had an NFL team. That was the one thing I wish you guys had was an NFL team, right?
00:54:12Yeah. I'm such a, I'm such a football fan, man. You know, I think it's funny too,
00:54:17because I watched, I watched, I mean, I watched every kind of high school, college, pro, man. I think,
00:54:22you know, back in the day, I used to love watching like the, the Cowboys and they had Aikman and Emmett
00:54:27and Michael Irvin and stuff like that, right? It was funny because to this day, and I cannot find
00:54:33on YouTube, to this day, one of the greatest things I've ever heard after a football game was Michael
00:54:38Irvin and it was the, the Cowboys had just beaten the Packers and they were getting ready to go play
00:54:42the Steelers in the Super Bowl, like, like 23 years ago, right? And this was when, this was when it was
00:54:47cocaine Mike. This was Mike Mike, right? This ain't the Mike now. This was Mike, right?
00:54:53But it was funny because they're interviewing Troy Aikman, right? He's right here. And Michael
00:54:56Irvin's behind Troy Aikman. He ain't got nothing but a towel on, right? He can already go to the Super Bowl
00:54:59now. Mike's got a towel. He's running back and forth yelling. It was the greatest shit I ever heard,
00:55:03right? All's Mike said was, tonight, it's limos, hoes, and papados. I was like, damn, man, dang.
00:55:11I had never been to Papados. I had never been to Texas. I didn't know what the fuck Papados was,
00:55:21man. I remember the first time I came to Texas, they said, where you want to go out? Shit,
00:55:25let's hit Papados. Shit. I'm going to Papados like, where the hoes at? Bunch of lobsters in this
00:55:33motherfucker. This a restaurant? What the fuck? Oh, so Mike wanted to eat after the game. Okay.
00:55:48That's a cool, and honestly, that's the cool thing about standup, man. It's like, I am, I am, listen,
00:55:52I am very aware, and I am very appreciative that I get to do a lot of things that I probably wouldn't
00:55:55get to do if I wanted to stand up. Like, like last summer, I got invited to go to Essence Music
00:56:01Festival for the first time down in New Orleans, right? Now, I've been in New Orleans a lot in my
00:56:04life, but I had never been during Essence Music Festival, so I'm there for three days, right?
00:56:09And this is what I learned after being at Essence for three days. When black women get really drunk,
00:56:16I somehow turned into Tommy from Power. I don't know how that shit happened.
00:56:28I have never been mistaken for someone else so much in three days. Like every time I walked in on
00:56:35Burberry Street, that's all I heard. Tommy! Tommy! I'm not him! I ain't him!
00:56:43You ain't got me scared, Tommy. Ghost ain't here. You ain't got me scared. Come on, I'm
00:56:47fucking him! Shit, by Saturday, I gave up correcting people, you know? Tommy! Thanks for watching
00:56:53Power. Watch season six. Thank you so much, yeah. We're nothing without our fans, you know?
00:56:59Like, I left New Orleans on Saturday night, right? On Monday morning, I called my agent. I said,
00:57:03hey man, can I get on one episode of Power? Just one. I don't want to be on it. I could die the same
00:57:07episode. I just want to do like one scene with Tommy so people can see us on screen together and know
00:57:14we're not the same person, you know? Like literally, I could just like, I could just show up one episode
00:57:18as like his older brother that he never knew, you know? Like Tommy just walks out of a building in the
00:57:24middle of Manhattan. I'm in the middle of the street. Tommy! Yo, Tommy! Yo, who is you?
00:57:35Timmy!
00:57:37I'm your older brother, Timmy, Tommy. I just been trying to meet you, man. I've been here since
00:57:44hit Tommy in the streets of talking, Tommy. I don't want to see you get hurt. I want you
00:57:47get out the game, Tommy. Come on, Tommy. Come with your brother, Timmy, Tommy. Come on, Tommy.
00:57:51Come with Timmy, Tommy. Come on, Tommy. Come with Timmy, Tommy.
00:57:58I'd have Tommy convinced to come with me, you know? All of a sudden,
00:58:02ghost comes out of nowhere, shoots me in my back. I'll just,
00:58:07Tommy!
00:58:08I'm going to die in slow motion. Fuck it.
00:58:29Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy shot me in my back, Tommy.
00:58:49Tommy! Shit, I hurt.
00:58:55My shit! It was ghost! Tommy, ghost shot me in my back. It was ghost!
00:59:03Tommy be... Tommy be confronting ghosts and shit. Yo, what the fuck, ghost?
00:59:09What the fuck did you shoot my brother Timmy before? I just met that motherfucker,
00:59:11man. How you can shoot my brother Timmy like that?
00:59:13Nah, Tommy. Nah, Tommy. That ain't Timmy. That's white cracker bread.
00:59:26Tommy! Tommy, I'm not dead yet. I'm almost dead.
00:59:33Tommy! Come here, come here, Tommy. I'll tell you something.
00:59:37Tommy, I think... I think ghost is on black Twitter.
00:59:43You tell him I said stay in your lane, mother...
00:59:51Then we find out the whole episode's fake. It was directed by Jussie Smollett.
01:00:01It's an interesting crowd.
01:00:16Oh, too soon, mother!
01:00:18Funny, too, like, um, somebody asked me the other day, too, they asked me, like, uh, somebody asked me, like, what's the biggest difference between stand-ups that are starting out today compared to when you started 20 years ago, Gary?
01:00:34And I said, well, I think the biggest difference is social media, you know, because when I started doing stand-up, you just had to be funny on stage, and that's how you built your audience.
01:00:41Now, with Instagram and Snapchat and Twitter and YouTube and all these other outlets, there's so many different ways for comedians to build their audience.
01:00:48And, you know, and me being a stand-up, you know, I like to pride myself on knowing what's funny and what's not, you know?
01:00:53And so sometimes I'll get on my Twitter page, and I'll post something, and in my brain, I'm like, oh, this shit's funny as hell.
01:00:58This is gonna get a lot of retweets, and I'll post it, nothing.
01:01:02No retweets, no comments, I'm like, man, did this shit go through? Shit!
01:01:05Then other times I'll post it on social media that I don't think's funny, and it should go viral, right?
01:01:12Like, I've had a few things go viral in the last couple years.
01:01:15The biggest one, it was a little over a year ago, and it got like 80 million views between Instagram and Facebook.
01:01:21And all it was was something my wife said, and I made like a 45-second post, and the shit went everywhere.
01:01:28And I didn't think the shit was funny. I just said what she said, and the shit went everywhere.
01:01:31If you didn't see the post, this is all that happened, right?
01:01:33It was Memorial Day last year, and I called my wife on the way home.
01:01:38I said, babe, I don't want to go anywhere this year. Let's just stay home with the kids.
01:01:40Me and the kids, don't invite nobody over, just us.
01:01:42And she goes, okay. So my wife makes a cake for the family on Memorial Day.
01:01:46So she goes to the pantry to get some icing to put on the cake.
01:01:48So she opens a container of icing, immediately puts her finger in the icing, puts her fingers in her mouth.
01:01:53Then she starts icing the cake with the same icing she just put her finger in.
01:01:57I said, babe, get some different icing, put your finger in the shit, and you put it on the cake.
01:02:01She goes, what? I said, get some different icing, put your finger in the shit, and you put it on the cake.
01:02:03She goes, Gary, ain't nobody eating this cake but people in this house, okay?
01:02:08And the only people in this house either came out of me or came in me.
01:02:18I was like, eat that motherfucking icing, baby.
01:02:21You eat that motherfucking icing.
01:02:24Shit, that is my line to my wife now, man.
01:02:27Shit, every time we have sex, I be pulling my shit out.
01:02:29Come on, baby, eat that motherfucking icing, baby.
01:02:31Eat that motherfucking icing.
01:02:33You know I'm lying.
01:02:34I ain't saying that shit to my wife.
01:02:36I ain't saying it.
01:02:37Hashtag doing what I do.
01:02:38I'm lying.
01:02:40All right, so I gotta get there.
01:02:41Thanks for seeing me, San Antonio.
01:02:43Thanks for coming out.
01:02:44I appreciate y'all.
01:02:45I appreciate y'all.
01:03:15I don't know.
01:03:19Ask Lisa.
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