- 4/21/2025
Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 15 Back To The Ball
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TVTranscript
00:00have your attention please i hold in my hands the official invitation to this year's inaugural ball
00:07it is a rare honor to which a select few are invited and i murphy brown am among them yes now
00:14many of you would like the opportunity to examine this more closely so if you'll just step up one
00:20at a time you could have stopped me sooner personally i think clinton's carrying this
00:31whole open government thing a bit too far i'm just glad you got invited i didn't want to go through
00:37the same kind of scene we went through four years ago hey i was supposed to be invited in 88 it was
00:42a clerical mistake oh some mistake security had pictures of you up at every entrance
00:46when the guard found out i worked with you made me open the trunk of my car okay okay i admit i had
00:53a few problems with the bush administration a few the secret service training center had a tackling
00:59dummy made up to look like you all right the man hated me but that's over now and this proves it
01:09you know i'm surprised it's so formal i mean with the clintons and everything i thought it'd be i
01:13i don't know a little more down home why frank because they're from the south what'd you think
01:19it was gonna say y'all come down for some bills by the cement pond
01:23take it easy on him scarlet he's taking me to the ball and i don't want him bruised
01:38oh uh murph i i've got a date
01:40oh buddha she works at the belgian embassy she speaks no english knows nothing of american customs
01:49i tell you i could eat my baked potato with my hands you wouldn't blink an eye it's gonna be great
01:53you know frank it's only a matter of time before you're dating a woman in a coma
01:57well anyway murph you know since corky's going with miles i i guess that leaves just you unless
02:07really it's a problem for me why would it be a problem for me well you haven't had a
02:12you know a date in a really long time oh right not since i went to the prom with nostradamus back in
02:201509 one thing he predicted we were in for bad times but i date plenty of men frank plenty
02:29morning all did everyone get their um chain letter from dan ruther
02:33it's all okay jen murphy's been invited both like heaven but she doesn't have a date
02:38frank but it's not all her fault it's not easy being a woman like murphy
02:44how many men do you know that are secure enough to ask out a woman who's famous successful
02:51intimidating sometimes violent plus the fact that um plus the fact that since she had the baby
02:56she frequently comes to work with food in her hair i'm i'm sorry slugger but to some men that's a
03:02turnoff well i guess that all depends on how hungry they are and anyway who says i even want
03:11a date dates are awkward and emotionally draining and at my age you don't bounce back from a hippie
03:16the way you used to you know maybe i'll go to the ball alone there's certain advantages to that
03:23i can arrive late even when i want and best of all i don't have to watch tipper gore dance the pony
03:29to fleetwood mac i love this idea
03:32murphy what a surprise
03:41well as long as you're here why don't we join you i'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine
03:48he enjoys snorkeling cross-country skiing and loves to cook
03:53why don't you give a big hello to jeff simon
03:56hi murphy
03:58hi jeff
04:00murphy you won't believe this but jeff is a journalist just like you
04:04that's right he works for cbs news and well he can tell you
04:07i work for cbs news
04:10that's very interesting jeff but actually this is a working lunch for me
04:15murphy you and jeff have so much in common
04:17for example you did your award-winning story on russia after the fall of communism
04:22and jeff why don't you tell her about your russian story
04:25well i recently did a history on all the celebrities that have eaten at new york's famous russian team room
04:30see the angle i took on
04:32hello guys
04:32oh guys hi
04:34sit
04:34sit
04:35jeff simon cbs news
04:38jeff and i just happened to bump into murphy and now they're getting to know each other
04:44but i'm almost done with my lunch and then i'll be going
04:46corky could i talk to you over there
04:51i'm busy
04:52it'll just take a second
04:53come on
04:54what are you doing
05:01i'm helping murphy find a man
05:03and it's going very well thank you
05:05so why don't you just take jim and go away
05:07are you kidding
05:08do you think you're actually fooling anybody with that just happened by act
05:12you better go murphy's not going to tolerate such a blatant and obvious manipulation
05:15oh hi miles
05:16well hey look who's here my good friend bob tabler
05:20i wasn't sure about this jacket you think it's all right
05:24oh gee bob why are you asking me
05:26uh here's an idea as long as you just happen by why not join us for lunch
05:30hey everybody look who just happened by my good friend bob tabler
05:34bob this is murphy brown and uh jim corky and stan
05:37uh jeff simon cbs news bob's a doctor your nose and throat
05:42it is a pleasure to meet you murphy
05:46i've been watching you for years and i must say
05:49you have very well defined nasal passages
05:52oh bob stop my head is spinning
05:55you know you shouldn't really eat that fast
05:59you could get a piece of food lodged in your trachea
06:02cut off your oxygen and run the risk of losing consciousness
06:06really bob how exactly would i go about doing that
06:09murphy may i may i speak with you at the bar
06:13no jim excuse austin
06:15thank you jim thank you thank you
06:18i i know this is extremely costly for you
06:22and i'm sure you'll understand when i say
06:25this is my friend bart bartholomew
06:28he's the golf club like that
06:29hi there murphy
06:30that's floor number three
06:32what's that
06:33oh nothing
06:35oh bart come on over and meet the gang
06:38oh hey everybody this is jim's friend and golf pro
06:42bart bartholomew
06:43let's see we've got miles and quirky
06:45dr bob and jeff simon
06:48cbs news
06:49but i used to work in sports and i never forget a face
06:521983
06:53didn't you come in 43rd in the u.s open
06:56you betcha
06:58i tried golf a while back and everything i hit
07:02went off to the right
07:03well bob if i had a dime for every beginner with a slice
07:06i'll just bet that you're not rotating your wrist like oh excuse me murphy
07:11like this
07:14yeah doesn't he want to flex his knees more to burn
07:18yeah i think i'll just flex your knees a little and they'll just sort of
07:20rotate
07:21wow what looks like you got your work cut out for you and since there seems to be a shortage of cheers i'll just take this wrap to go
07:31well could you wrap this for me please or throw it out into the street and i'll chase after it
07:39oh i feel for you murphy honey but you know your friends are just trying to help you out
07:45hey uncle phil i put on a tie who do you want me to meet
07:50hi you're home oh i want you to meet my friend michael
07:58oh god you two what is this the emergency dating system look i'm sure you're very nice but i'd just like you to get out of my house
08:04i'm not sure i understand what am i the queen bee just keep your stinger to yourself and get the hell out of me
08:16and you wonder why i rarely have friends over
08:19i don't know what that unholy outburst was about but michael just came over to do a sketch avery
08:25oh nice eldon drag the baby into your lie
08:28would you like to see it
08:30oh right you really think i'm gonna believe you did a sketch
08:33oh god
08:34you really did a sketch
08:36oh
08:38um well
08:40i
08:41oh gee you left her speechless
08:43i always thought it would take a ball peen hammer to the forehead
08:46you know i i like this
08:54i really like it
08:56i'm just curious
08:58why were there wings sprouting out of avery's back
09:00i was commissioned to do a mural involving cherubs
09:03i needed a model
09:04a mural really for what a church a museum
09:07no actually it's for a restaurant
09:09the lou's house of heavenly ribs
09:11over on eighth street
09:14yeah you'll be proud to know your son will float right over the rotisserie in the main pit
09:18i told him that it would be okay as long as you couldn't recognize avery's face
09:23i mean we know that he's too young for sudden fame and i once heard a rumor that the gerber baby did time for knocking off a convenience store
09:32here's the oldest angel now excuse me
09:41he's a friend let him live
09:43um about before i feel i should explain you see i've had the most unbelievably miserable day
09:59i'm invited to the inaugural ball and i don't have a date so really with your social skills it's hard to imagine that
10:05all my friends have been trying to fix me up
10:10poor guys must be working around the clock
10:14look if you know i was working toward an apology here could you cut me some slack
10:18all right but i'm warning you start up again i'll be forced to use these pastels to defend myself
10:24okay okay okay i deserve that
10:27you know i really do like this you've managed to capture avery's intelligence
10:33his sense of humor his gums
10:36i'm good with gums i once did a six-foot canvas for a dentist's office
10:40called it gingivitis descending a staircase
10:43nice title
10:47and um it's nice work
10:50but don't you think you're awfully good to be
10:53what doing murals for rib joints
10:55ah look i got a gallery that represents me but
10:58the recession hit the art world pretty hard
11:00and this way i get thirty percent of all chicken and rib combinations
11:04um
11:10tell me do you have any religious or aesthetic objections to wearing a tuxedo
11:15no as a matter of fact i own three of them
11:19yeah i did a penguin fresco once for a tux shop and they paid me off informal wear
11:24great uh
11:26look i know this may sound crazy considering we just met each other a few minutes ago and i tried to kick you out of my house
11:34but
11:35how would you feel about breaking out one of those tuxedos and going to the inaugural ball with me
11:41you're asking me on a date
11:42oh well wait wait wait i feel i should clear that up right now
11:47it's not a date it's um well it's two citizens celebrating the passage of power in a democratic system with free eats and dancing
11:56which reminds me before you answer i have to see you dance
12:00dance
12:01well you know just a few moves whatever you're comfortable with go ahead
12:05you know i'm beginning to understand why eldon sometimes breaks down in tears when we go out for coffee
12:12okay i can explain you see i was planning on going to the ball alone but then
12:20you're a target for every bad dancer in the room at the carter inaugural bert lance
12:25dosey told me into miss lillian so hard her upper plate flew into the punch
12:30i don't want that to ever happen again i'm gonna dance for you i'm the one who owns three tuxes
12:37so what you're saying is you can't dance oh can't dance
12:40cha-cha-cha samba jitterbug foxtrot hustle let me guess you did a mural for the arthur murray dance
12:48studios better i painted the footsteps on the floor
12:51wednesday the 20th i'll be ready at seven
12:58well well well what have we here another meeting of the matchmakers club what's today's plan tie me up
13:16drive me to the nearest prison and see who's getting out on parole
13:22say uh murphy a little bird was speaking to me oh hell i'm not good at this
13:30park told me you were quite a dish
13:35you left me to tell him many things but instead i have an announcement to make the great murphy
13:41date off is now over i found someone to go to the inaugural ball with me and i'm a pig farmer named ed
13:50there is no shame in not having a date well maybe there's a little shame but please don't make it
13:58worse by lying i'm not lying frank and it's not a date it's it's more like an escort oh murphy
14:06this is so sad i didn't think you'd have to pay anyone until you were away in your 50s
14:18please it's not that kind of an escort i'm telling you i found someone in 12 hours what's his name
14:24uh michael something where'd you meet him he was at my house last night he just appeared there out of
14:30nowhere no he's a friend of elders he's an artist what kind of artist he does murals rib joints tuxedo
14:35shops the occasional dentist's office oh why don't you come with uda and me i'll just tell her it's a custom
14:42oh there you are oh hi michael i wonder who this would be this is this is my surprise gail didn't
14:56tell me where i could find you oh i have something for you oh your sketch of avery you had it framed
15:03and i see you put in the spare ribs yeah i'm pretty happy with how he came out but notice how the frame
15:08picks up the color of the barbecue sauce well this is definitely going in a place of honor in my
15:15office next to my picture of queen elizabeth pumping her own gas now if you ever want to see the real
15:21thing remember it's lose on 8th street uh mention my name you'll get extra wet naps
15:27well listen i gotta get going i got an unveiling at a foot clinic i'll uh i'll see the night of the ball
15:33uh wednesday the 20th right right right bye bye
15:42it's amazing he really does exist and he's so cute too oh murphy i have a feeling this is gonna be a
15:51real dream date corky please it's not a date oh for heaven's sake slugger the attraction is obvious
15:59how am i going to break this to bark could be the final blow to his already shaky pudding game
16:05stop it i'm telling you there's no attraction please don't insult me i saw the way you were
16:12talking to him touching your hair casually brushing it aside it was in my eyes what do you want me to do
16:19walk around smashing into walls you did the hair sweep
16:22the hair sweep means nothing i do however recall hearing the girlish laugh
16:29you guys are delirious so i touched my hair so i laughed it means nothing
16:42maybe not but the tummy suck does you sucked in your tummy
16:51jeez will you guys get a wife now if you'll excuse me i've got work to do
16:56oh but i just want to leave you with one final thought it's not a date
17:01oh my doctor said i needed fiber and this one is blue yes it's a very famous museum home to the
17:15mona lisa and venus de milo now where else have we seen venus de milo that's right right up there
17:24next to gold in my hair and the three bears
17:28they noticed that miss venus has no arms but she's still a beautiful piece of art
17:33but always the last one picked when the other statues choose sides for volleyball
17:39anyway olden i don't want you to feel weird about me going out with a friend of yours because
17:43it's not a real date yeah i know michael said the same thing you did oh well that's good it means
17:50we're both in total agreement i hate to start out with a miscommunication this early in the evening
17:55what do you think of this necklace i like it it's all wrong
17:59oh now that was interesting see your mother just exhibited some behavior that could be considered
18:04stereotypically feminine now here's how that works they ask your opinion and you give it and then
18:12they do the opposite at least they would conduct a little experiment just to see if that was a
18:19random occurrence or the start of a new and unsettling pattern
18:26you know the great thing about michael is we have absolutely nothing in common
18:30that's what makes tonight so much simpler there's no awkwardness no expectations
18:35what do you think about these shoes a little uh bold aren't they they're fine i like the pins pins too much
18:46well the gore i think we've seen enough
18:50it's just a simple line out say hi to bill and hillary sprinkle a little hot pepper and oral inspector's
18:55soup and oh jeez oh god i don't believe what i just did they put perfume behind my knees do you know
19:05what that means you're hoping to impress some very short people
19:12it means this is a date no matter what i tried to tell myself no matter how deeply i thought i buried her
19:20she's back the dater
19:25the guys are right the hair sweep the girlish laugh it's only a matter of time before i'm
19:31rummaging through old purses looking for a lint covered clorett
19:35oh and he's here and the dater's heart starts to beat a little quicker she wonders is there time
19:40to put on that final touch of makeup i hate her eldon turn avery away i don't want him to see me like
19:45this good night sweetheart wow you're probably too young to remember this i on the other hand will
19:54no doubt have to sleep with a light on for the next several months
20:0144 years old i'm successful i'm accomplished i don't need a man to tell me if i'm desirable or not
20:08hey pal i don't need you i'm damn desirable
20:11hello could you open the door uh no i don't think i could do that i really don't
20:23okay then goodbye wait
20:33um i can explain do you have any idea how many of your conversations start that way
20:42look i'm i'm not mad at you i'm married myself i think it's better if you just leave you know
20:48that welcome match you got out front some sort of sadistic joke right
20:54it's just that i've been through this too many times and it's just too exhausting
20:59first you've got to get to know the person and then there's the whole compromising thing which
21:03never works out because eventually the guy expects me to do a little bit of it too
21:07there's the whole sex thing it's not that i don't enjoy it but it's kind of like a trip to disneyland
21:15you get so excited about a ride on the matterhorn and then when it's over you realize you wasted all
21:22that time in line for a minute and a half upside down and the chance to throw up
21:32and i'm speaking of sex in general so please don't take it personally
21:36i'm a little lost here my big concern tonight was whether i could find parking on your block
21:43you expect me to believe you didn't even give a thought to the second date
21:48the first overnighter the first weekend in the country the second weekend of the country when we
21:53bring avery whoa whoa i swear i was just looking to get through the next five hours oh there it is
21:59the classic male dating response let's not think about the future let's just stay in the moment where
22:05do you guys get this i want to know and you're the lucky guy who's going to tell me couldn't i just
22:11dance for you i'm serious how do you guys do it how do you stop yourselves from looking beyond the
22:19first five hours i don't know never really thought about it it's instinctual maybe even genetic i know
22:26for a fact my father didn't think about it and his father didn't think about it probably goes all the
22:31way back to the caveman i wonder centuries of man not thinking that explains the fall of the roman
22:37empire the dark ages the national hockey league i'm sorry i don't even know why i asked it's obvious
22:45men and women don't have anything in common hey you're the one who brought this up and by the way
22:51even if guys do just focus on the next five hours it isn't easy and we have to be constantly looking
22:57for clues should i make a move here if i don't make a move will she be offended and you know it
23:03didn't make it any easier you asking me out what was that all about was it just some mad impulse
23:09that's why i stopped by your office give you a chance to back out then you touched your hair
23:14before i knew it i was oh hell i sucked in my stomach
23:19you're kidding remember how i said men and women had nothing in common
23:29well this proves it time to go
23:35the inaugural ball remember oh you're really going through with this why
23:41please a guy who sucks in his stomach it's so pathetic i have to take you
23:45but tonight i'm going to try it your way i'm only going to think as far as the front door
23:56this is going well i'm enjoying it
24:00oh well it'll be a nice change a date without all the usual stupid games people play i was getting
24:07too old for that anyway oh yeah how old are you 28 here's a tip for parents never ever try to sound
24:28cool to your kids well i bet that was rad stay tuned for the disastrous results on roseanne next on nick at night
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