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Since Fyre Festival Is Coming Back. Or Isn't.
Cracked
Follow
3/5/2025
If Music Festivals Were Honest. #shorts #musicfestival #coachella #fyrefestival #livemusic #funny #parody #comedy #youtubeshorts
Category
😹
Fun
Transcript
Display full video transcript
00:00
Doesn't this look like something resembling fun, music, the outdoors, spending money twirling
00:07
around these shiny sticks of poisonous bullsh**?
00:10
What if I told you that you could do this for 48 hours straight in an inhospitable field
00:16
or desert or parking lot with little to no food or water?
00:21
Sounds terrible.
00:22
I'll bet you three to four hundred dollars you'll come to see a handful of bands you
00:26
kind of heard of this year at Hortfest.
00:30
Dude, I don't have that kind of money.
00:32
Of course you don't.
00:33
You're a young person.
00:34
But that's the price of a general admission ticket at most major music festivals anyway.
00:39
And because my generation did such a good job convincing you that Woodstock was cool
00:44
and somehow important, when we became capitalists, we turned these noise traps into a multi-million
00:50
dollar industry.
00:51
Sellout.
00:54
Of course, you can choose to pay me the hilariously expensive ticket price in potentially manageable
00:59
chunks.
01:00
I don't care.
01:01
I get my money anyway.
01:03
Just make sure to buy stuff while you're stuck inside.
01:07
That's the important part.
01:08
You see, when I partnered with my buddies over at Potable Chemical Company to sponsor
01:13
Hortfest, our main responsibility became locking you into my music-themed maze and forcing
01:19
you to buy their products.
01:20
And nobody buys products better than rich people do.
01:24
Young people are just kind of okay at it.
01:26
We mostly needed the youths to make going to my sponsored crowd pit look like a cool
01:30
act of defiance before beginning to price them out entirely.
01:34
And after all, isn't three quarters of your rent a small price to pay for all that fun
01:40
you'll have once you're surrounded by other fellow millennial cattle in my noise and drug
01:45
farm?
01:47
Once you're there, you'll be free to listen to music you want in between doing things
01:51
like waiting in line for a port-a-potty, getting shoved by strangers, and taking in
01:56
all the cultural appropriation and mystery pills your rotting brain cells can handle.
Recommended
0:43
|
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